not happy

That is it. in these last few weeks I have felt myself drifting into glumness. I have not been myself. I dont like it. i just don't like not being happy. I feel like crying all the time. i have lost my appetite and just generally very tired a lot of the time. All in all it is not good. Why? Could be the PhD, or it just could be the fact that I am not where I want to be with my life at the moment, and I see other people are living the life that I crave.

I have had some good chats with my priest - but at the moment I am kindof talked out. I know that sounds funny, and very unlike me, but I am just talked out. I wish I could just cry to remove this feeling of wanting to cry...but even that doesnt seem to be very forthcoming...until, after I have been praying and one or two tears slowly begin to trickle down.

so yeah, generally just not very happy - but this has meant that I am throwing myself into work and analysing my data in a big way. have found some good things, but am still nowhere near the level of data collection I need to be for this PhD, with time very much running out.

I pray this improves...after nearing 5 months of not taking any medication - i really fear it may be time to go back on them - even though i really dont want to.

So the last post I wrote was when I was in Maastricht. I am back from there now! And it was an amazingly tiring conference.
My first presentation was on a Thursday afternoon - I was also chairing the session. That presentation was the dodgier of the two, as my claims were being made on very few interviews...but I got through it...I had one question from a Professor that I already know. After the session was over, someone came to introduce themselves to me. They said their name...and the penny dropped. I have read their work many time, and used it quite extensively in my lit review. For them then to say to me that they really enjoyed my presentation, it being the best in the session, and they had never thought about temporary employment in such a practical method just blew me away! I could not really believe it!

On Friday I had a day off - my boss was doing his key note and a debate which I went to, and I asked many many questions in a symposium about HRM and temporary employment, and I rehearsed my paper for Saturday a lot...and then went out for a lovely meal with Ali that evening. We had a great chat and listen, and consumed the drink of the trip - Kriek.

On Saturday was my most daunting presentation - an invited symposium in the main auditorium, sandwiched between Denise Rousseau (of psychological contract fame) and John Arnold (every occ psych student has probably got a text book of his). These two psychologists are mega high profile, and here was I, not a publication to my name (not even a PhD to my name) being invited to speak in the same symposium as them. I was nervous. But present my paper I did...and it went well. My boss said that he was proud of me, and that it was a very confident paper, with other people loving the data I was presenting. So I left EAWOP with a smile on my face, having presented two good papers and getting good feedback.

I got back late and was knackered, but had family over so could not even go to bed...and was then actually engaged in a long conversation about trauma centres!

This week at work has been people asking me about my conference debut etc, and just generally trying to get back to normal - have been kanckered post Maastricht...and my office mate submitted her PhD so that was party time for us! also I found that my PhD is changing its remit also which is quite daunting, but hopefully will be for the better...who knows?

It has been a weird time...my head and heart are being drawn in about 20 directions and I am so confused and I need some prayer for clarity - this would be helpful.

First of all - bloody big congratulations to James and Ella on the news of their newest addition! Am so happy for you both...may your family continue to grow in strength and love, and I am very much looking forward to meeting the new addition! you are all in my prayers.

Secondly - am writing this in Maastrich and blogger has gone a little dutch on me! Am here for my first big international work and organisational psychology conference. I have one presentation tomorrow - that being the work my PhD is based on...ane one on Saturday. Saturdays presentation in a symposium that I was invited to attend and I am sandwiched in between 2 very regarded professors in my field...so no pressure at all then!

luckily i am here with my two office mates, so we have some time to have some fun and drink and laugh as well!
the reading material in my hotel room has already provided amusement - "the penguin book of short stories for lesbians"...If i get bored I am sure to have a look!
xx

At the moment, I am in a confused state of affairs - not knowing what is going with my PhD (prayers for this will be very much appreciated), and not knowing what is going on in relationships (prayers for this also appreciated). In both issues, some clarity will be welcomed with open arms.

In other news - birthday with work was greatly celebrated, and I had a lovely night of laughter. I have booked some tickets for the Proms, booked in to sing The Messiah from Scratch at the Royal Albert Hall in November, and got a free ticket and went to see The Creation at the RAH the other week - twas very good indeed.

Now, just need to get some presentations written for a conference, and sort out my life and that should be good. Matters of the head are always so much more confusing when the heart gets involved.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-13145354

I would just like to see more smiles too!

This Bishop is a legend. Pray for him

I never really want to have a birthday on Good Friday again!
It seemed wrong to celebrate your birthday on the day when you remember the suffering of Christ...
So I didnt! In fact, instead I threw myself into all the local services that were going. I attended the Petts Wood Churches Together stations of the cross, our own Good Friday service, and then I held a Taize prayer around the cross in the evening! In a way, as someone said to me, after Taize, that I had a huge smile on my face - who needs to have a drink and a lot of food when that happens...true, but a gin would have been lovely!
But fear not, as my birthday was on a bank holiday, and on a day of fasting and abstinence - my birthday will be extended, and celebrations are planned for the next few weeks! woop woop!
Happy Easter people - may this be a blessed season for you all
xx

These last few weeks have been very very busy. So, I upgraded which was a tough ordeal...15 minute presentation, what was supposed to be 20 minutes of questions, but was much much longer then that, and then I had to wait outside while the panel decided. They did, and I passed. My professor was happy, he said I did well, and had a way of charming the panel...he doesn't know how I do it, but he said it was a quality that I should keep as it was good to have the academics on my side. He also said the panel were very impressed with my document - he had told me what one of them had said before my upgrade the day before as a way to calm me down. So that was done on Ash Wednesday - a day of fasting an abstinance. So I could not celebrate at all!! I went to seminar then made me way to church.
So I celebrated quite royally the next day...work spoilt me horrendously, and I had a brilliant night, just made mast train home...and had a 10 o'clock meeting the next day..I made it, but the rest of the team who came out were somewhat broken...!

On one weekend I went to the CYMfed congress for youth ministry. I was asked to help out at one of the stands - you can probably guess which one...Taize! I was there with Frere Paolo for the day - it was lovely seeing him out of Taize, and spending time with him (weird texting a Taize brother!). He told me that these type of events were not really his thing, and so he was very thankful to see me there, and has since emailed me to say that he would not have managed the day without me. He also said something along those lines to the organisers who said similar things to me as feedback. I had a good day...speakers variable, ending awful, but it was lovely to see so many friends there, and also to go out drinking with the SCYS afterwards...drinking with Johnny is dangerous.

Then the next weekend was Petts Wood Festival Choruses annual choir performance. This year we sang Mozart's Requiem and other choral works. This year we had the return of Ben who sang for us at our first year we did this...but he was not singing tenor, but he was our fraudulant bass. It was lovely seeing him again, and we got on really well, and shared a good gin and tonic and some wisniowka. The concert was the best that we have ever sang, the soloists were amazing (and I am not being biased), they were amazing, and the choir, we did well too. I struggled to get the Mozart at first, but have ended up loving the music - loved it. Just so moving. And it was great seeing Ben again, and having a giggle, and setting some tongues gossiping among other choir members. The aim of the choir is to get churches together from the community for outreach for the community. This year we sang in aid of the Special Baby Care Unit at the Princess Royal University Hospital. After all the expenses, we raised £2000 - for a bit of singing this was great. I personally love the choir, and got A LOT of it this year - firstly a love for Mozart's Requiem, a beautifully touching piece of music.

This last weekend, on Friday I spent a lovely evening with a very good Taize friend of mine who was in London for the day...Saturday I had a girly evening starting with Gin and Elderflower liqueuer cocktails (thanks to Ben for this delicious treat recommendation) and on Sunday we had our monthly Taize service at St James.

So yes, you will see, wow it sounds like she has had a good few weeks...and in this way yes!

But, there is always a but....my PhD has hit a stumbling block in that people at the trust do not want to be interviewed. There is no engagement from any doctors or nurses,which makes the PhD hard to complete as I have very limited data. I have cried about this, prayed about it, gone into hysterics and hit rock bottom. So, the plea here is some prayer that I actually get some participants soon, so this PhD can actually work.

Also, stuff happened in the last weekend that has thrown me into a whirl wind of confusion, and so I hope that settles soon too. Prayers just to get through would be good, to come out on top will be even better.

for all the praying types - tomorrow I have something called an upgrade - I have to defend my work so far, present it to a panel, answer questions, and then wait to hear what the panel says. This could determine whether people think my PhD is worth it or not, and whether I can continue as I am, or need more focus. So if people can pray that I get through this then I would much appreciate it...i am quite scared!

Yesterday's daily reading struck a major chord with me. It was a reading that I used to quote to someone who used to be a very good friend of mine, but someone I am no longer in touch with. In actual fact, reading that, and then looking at what has happened since - I could not do anything but cry. and not just a little weep - but a full on snotty cry. "A faithful friend is a sure shelter, whoever finds one has found a rare treasure. A faithful friend is something beyond price, there is no measuring his worth". Just so stunningly beautiful. so beautiful. and so true.

The day before i met up with two Taize friends in London, we went to a Taize prayer, and for a dinner. That was lovely, so much laughter and care. Two faithful friends.

This helped, as the Sunday before I had a mini breakdown. My family (and I do love them) have a tendency to measure your worth by your relationship status. I am the only grandchild not to be married or in a relationship - somewhat the black sheep, and I was made to feel like that a week back. It hurt - it really hurt. Maybe it is my fault that I am not in a relationship, maybe it isnt...I don't know. But i felt so unsupported so useless, that I literally just broke down.

That is why the reading got me. When I feel like that, I turn to my friends, those real friends, those real treasures...and it saddened me deeply that one is lost.

After having met with a Taize friend for a gin and tonic last night, I realised I had said that I would write about Taize in Rotterdam, but I have not...until now!
so on the 27th of december, i make my way to victoria station to meet friends, and unknown people (who had contacted me) to get the eurolines bus to rotterdam. a wine drinking ferry crossing ensued, a moody dutch coach driver, and a two hour earlier then planned arrival meant that about 12-15 very tired people from the uk landed at rotterdam central metro at 4 in the morning.
when the metro opened we made our way to the English welcome point, to be welcomed in that cheery manner by brother Matthew "oh great Zosia - you're here". we had our usual tortuous Taize welcome (when you have sat through many - they are very tortuous)we were given our host churches. I volunteered to work (having worked out that for one meal this means not having to stand in the food queue for an age), and off to the host church I travelled. On arrival - we were the first group to get there, we found out we would all be hosted by a family - it was a Praise the Lord moment. My host family this year spoke dutch and spannish - i do not speak dutch and spannish, and neither did Licy, a friend I travelled with. luckily we meet Baiba - a lithuanian english and spannish speaking girl who wanted to live with us and who had the same job as us! Our host 'Oma' looked after her granddaughter Nella - a girl we grew to love, and who I deeply missed. Nella was 14, but had the mental age of a 5 year old - she called us her sisters...she was a beautiful hearted young girl.
We got to the host house, we welcomed with delicious choco milk and croissants, set up camp, and showered. the flat was in a dodgy suburb or rotterdam, was smalll but homely - we were very happy.
we made our way to Ahoy - the place where Taize was beign held to go to our job...I was working for Steve, a taize friend of 4 years now...we had said that we would look out for each other at meal distribution, but to work for him was a bonus. food served, and job done (my job was to stop people entering the food hall the wrong way, and to make sure people did not take food out of the eating halls), and to evening prayer we went...Taize prayer with so many people - beautiful! we made our way back to the host mothers, and fell into bed - knackered.
Mornings at european meetings you spend in your host parish - we had taize morning prayer - but the pianist played the chants so fast it was so funny. after that, i realised this is where my real job would be - helping out with the music in the parish. so when the animators were having their morning meeting, I helped the pianist learn the chants at the speed they were to be played, got a few singers learning the parts, and hey presto morning prayer music improved. Aftet morning prayer, we had small sharing groups. I have to say my group this year was amazing - shared so much, and had a laugh and a giggle at the same time. After our sharing groups, we then said goodbye to Nella, and made out way to Ahoy for lunch and mid-day prayer. on the second day, i found Fr jerry from the summer, and so we sat with him for the rest of the prayers for the meeting - as he is just an amazing priest and person and was one of the people of the meeting for me. One evening prayer, Fr Jerry helped carry a disabled person to the Taize cross so they could venerate it - my meagre help was carrying the wheel chair after them). it was an incredible moving thing to see, and has us both in tears. after mid-day prayers, the various work shops begin. I went to one work shop about a lady from Rotterdam who was taken, and eventually died at Auscwitz, and on the second day i took some time out with my friend jack to explore Rotterdam a little bit (a weird city, as the majority of it was completely destroyed in the Rotterdam blitz in the second world war). Obviously, we then had our evening work which was a great place to work as everyone had to walk past you, so I got to see so many taize friends, including a very good friend of mine Koen - who I sat with and sang with through evening prayer - it is always good to see him. Having been in a summer small group with him two years ago we have kept in touch and we can talk in such depth for such a long time!
New years eve was slightly different. after mid-day prayer we had our country meeting, so we went to the church designated for english speakers to meet with dearest frere Paolo...who then got us lost on the way back to Ahoy for the afternoon prayer...this prayer was deliciously lovely as it was the festival of light service. 30,000 people praying by candlelight - you cannot beat it. tearful!
after this prayer (Nella and Oma always came to Ahoy for evening prayer) we went back to our host family for a meal that they had prepared for us (I did have to inform Oma that being a vegetarian meant that I did not eat chicken)...and then back to our host parish for the prayer vigil for peace, a prayer walk to the partnered Catholic church, for the celebration of new year! The Dutch go crazy for fireworks - unbelievably so!! I had some gin with me, started the new year by congratulating one of the hosts on their preganancy...they were not pregnant (she took it very well, and has since become a very good friend) and then splling lemonade in the church. However, all was redeemed when the UK stepped up first in the festival of nations, singing Amazing Grace, then unleashing on an unexpecting audience Lady GaGa meets Rotterdam, followed by a resounding victory for "If you're Taize and you know it".
Well fed, and well entertained, 2011 had started very well. a fire working dodging walk home, nothing could have prepared us for the tear fest that was new years day. morning prayer was great...by this time, singing and playing in the parish had muched improved, and after the service the pilgrims showed our appreciation in a marathon clapping, whooping and feet stamping session - leaving the host parish in floods of tears - and then that sets everyone else off. the pastor then adapted the reading to send us pilgrims away with a message of hope from Rotterdam. Oma and nella were so hard to say good bye to. tears everywhere. Our host church had made a buffet out of an immense amount of food, and then one by one the pilgrims left. The Uk were the last to leave, after having a version of the chant 'Let all who are thirsty' recorded, resulting in yet more tears.
We had 8 hours before our coach left...find a pub was our plan. Rotterdam central was shut!! then we found a pub with a few people inside, but doors looked. Seeing us in our pilgrim hoodies they let us in (not knowing that the number was going to grow) and we purchased drinks. It basically turned out that we had crashed a Dutch singers private new years day function for his friends and family, but they welcomed us Taize pilgrims openly, and they seranaded us when we had to leave to catch our coach!
The coach journey on the way back had limited sleep once again, but a jollier coach driver who kept us entertained...we were at the front of the coach...and we arrived back to London victoria on the 2nd January at 7am!!! A train home, and I was back...to be welcomed by my nephew matthew, and the news i could not go to bed, as there were people in it....so I waited to go to church (it being the feast of the epiphany) still wearing my pilgrim hoodie, and when I got home, I napped on the sofa, to be woken by the nephew "coca, its no nap time any more...play trains"

So that was the Taize experience for another new year!! bring on Berlin!! Rotterdam was great, but it was sad to come home to the news about Bishop Michael, and I ask if people could continue to hold him in their prayers...

so, turns out that the person felt a little guilty about not turning up when they had originally said they would, that they turned up completely unannounced outside my office on Friday afternoon about 5 minutes after I had left it. So, I waited for them to catch me up, and they had my attention for the 20 minutes that I had until I got to my old office as I was meeting with my old boss. A goodbye said, and that was relief - i felt relief.
It was absolutely brilliant to see my old boss again - just so good! It had been far too long since we had last met, so long, and we just had a laugh and a giggle and a great catch up. We went to an amazing bar in Pimlico where I was treated to some lovely fruit beer and a lovely glass of rose, a lot of banter and a lot of good memories. Just a lot of fun.
then this weekend I have been writing a presentation that I have to give tomorrow at a launch of a new interdisciplinary research centre openning at uni, i had a girly night with champers and chocs with some fabulous ladies, stayed over at my frieds, and then today has been church, choir, taize service planning and the continuation of presentation writing!
I am quite tired, but just have a sense of relief. maybe this was in God's hand after all

I have a problem - I seem to be too nice. Last night someone at last felt my wrath. As I said a few posts ago someone is going on mission, but they wanted a catch up before they left. Thursday night they asked...sure I said, I will have a quick drink with work and meet with you then. Time and place arranged, I made a good luck card and to work I went. Just about to leave work drinks, I rang to check if said person was at pub already...No, they decided not to come into town after all...and even better, they had decided not to tell me. Dick. Complete dick.
Luckily, work rallied round, purchased me gin, and let me rant.
On the train home a very close friend rang to see if I was ok...I explained the situation, and when I got off the phone, the train carriage gave me sympathy to the tones of "he sounds like a cock, the quicker you get rid of him the better". he got a full blown rant from me when I got in. I a not one to get angry often - I was fuming.
I am a mug. A mug that is too nice. I hate being treated like that. I have heard a few things this week that makes me think, has respect really been lost??

I will write about Rotterdam soon I promise, but at first I am asking for your prayers:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-12105289
this man gave me an unbelievable prayer experience in the summer...I have just come back from one amazing journey to find out that he is starting a rather sadder one. Keep Bishop Michael in your prayers
xx

Rotterdam for new year avec the Taize community!! wohoo! will be leaving in a few hours to meet with my dearest Licy and Charis, and potentially many others who will also be on the coach!
at 23:00 on the 31st December the prayer vigil for peace will begin, and that is how we will bring in the new year...followed by our festival of nations and a party! I am praying like anything for a host family...a nice bed, but an air mattress is packed just in case a community hall is what I get!
So hopefully good times will be had...4th year in a row now - that shows how good it is (previous years: Geneva, Brussels and Poznan!)
So I will wish you all a happy new year now! 2011 will be my year apparently! Santa failed to bring me my husband for Christmas...I am thinking he may have been delayed in the snow....
wishing you all a fabulous continuation of the Christmas season!
much love to you all
Zx

I always feel that a week before Christmas is a good time to be told by someone that even though we are beyond friendship and have a deep deep bond that they have not had with someone else, they have found someone else who could be perfect marriage material (even though they live in France, and they have actually known them for a long time), and that the man is going on mission abroad as well. I always feel that is what you need to hear to get you into that festive mood. It is what you need to be crying at work, at choir, in front of your priest...It really makes you feel so Christmassy.

What I have however learnt is to listen to work people who said I was being played the first time they met the person, and that I have gorgeous friends who ring me up at times when I most need it, who offer to give said person customer service hell, and for choir members who make me laugh, and do not mind if I turn up pissed to choir rehearsals (and a priest who does not notice, or who does not comment).

So i cant bloody wait until new year comes, when I can start out again, and find someone who does not think I am a mug, and I can choose someone who is not a prick, who will treat me like I should be treated and so i can finally be happy. the best thing is, I am going to Rotterdam with the Taize community - so I can bring in the new year praying for peace, not just in the world, but in my heart. I can celebrate a new year with many people and celebrating many nations, and with some good friends of mine.

so yes, this does all sound a bit bar-humbug. But can you blame me? timing is just great. I am trying no tears, but at the moment the even tiny things are setting me off - even writing this hurts me.

but the carol service at church should cheer me up - even if there is one carol that gets me when I sing it...oh bloody hell.
x

It is time for me to do my Papal visit update, as it has been just over a month, have done some thinking about the event, and yeah, just to give people an account of the event from my perspective.
the introduction to the event for me was a few months before the actual event as I had been chosen by my deanery to be the deanery youth co-ordinator for Bromley. So all the people in my position for Southwark diocese had a meeting at Archbishop House. We were given a training session about the day, about looking after the youth, and we talked about what we wanted to get out of the day. We also had the chance to meet and talk to Archbishop Peter Smith which was good.
In all honesty the time before the event, I hadnt given it much thought, I had been on holiday in Taize, taken some time out in Spain, and so when the week finally came and the media impact was going strong, it really hit. That week I had a meeting with the 7 youth I was looking after for the day - and they really and truly were a breath of fresh air - really excited about the day, happy they were chosen to go, and taking the opportunity to learn about their faith.

On the Saturday, I was up early for a Saturday - 5:30! I got everything together for the day and went down to my local station where I was meeting 5 of the youth - they all came on time for the train...and the other two came on at their stop also - I had them all, and we would get to the meeting point on time - good stuff. On the train I was trying to get a group photo, another passenger offered to take it for us, and seeing that we were all in our regulation Diocesan tops asked us what we were doing. The youth all looked at each other, so I said "we are going to see the Pope"...his response was "cool, have a great day. Its good to see people excited about it". I thanked him for that positive attitude, and he said that everybody was entitled to express their faith without other people having a say about it. Breathe of fresh air.
When we arrived into Victoria, I immediately bumped into a friend from another diocese which was a lot of fun, and then somebody else who recognised me from Taize. On the way down to our Diocesan meeting point I spotted a few more people I knew in other dioceses - it was lovely to bump into people I had not seen for a while, or who I just did not expect to find. When all the groups from the diocese where present, we made our way into the Cathedral Square, where we were sat near the lovely EA. We had quite a good seating spot, and we waited. It was very very cold sitting on the floor, but we dealt with it. Just before the celebration of Mass started, we had prayer outside to get us in the prayerful mmod - and we were quiet until the large screen outside the cathedral began to show images of the Pope making his way into the Cathedral - applause and cheers errupted.
The celebration of Mass was lovely, really special - a number of priests came out to distribute communion among us, and then it was the time we had all been waiting for. The Pope came out to talk to us. One diocesan youth gave a talk on behalf of us, and then the Pope spoke. To be honest it was quite hard to hear what was being said - but there was talk of finding time each day to find peace and silence to hear what God is saying to us, and listening to what God is calling us to do. When this was said, maybe I shouldnt say this - but it did remind me of the Taize philosophy and what Frere Roger has for us.
When this had ended, we were waiting for the square to empty, and I clocked Anne Widdicombe being interviewed. so when there was a lull in the crowd noise, I shouted "Anne, Good Luck on Strictly...how is the Cha Cha Cha". She looked over and saw people having a giggle and kind of pointing to me, and so she asked us all to vote for her, and then I shouted back "Give our love to Anton Du Bec" - and then we moved on.
A police escort from the Cathedral to Hyde Park occurred, where a few rubbish protestors tried to get the youth to leave the church, or tell them they were wrong to believe in God...but we just joined in with the Diocese of Northampton who were merrily singing "I you're Catholic and you know it clap your hands" - brilliant.
A collection of our picnic, our VIP passes, and then we made our way into the VIP area of hyde park. the atmosphere here was just amazing. the media has described this as similar to a Christian Glastonbury. the mood was just so happy - we were singing praise, praying, listening to the talks, meeting with friends (lots of Taize people - and seeing the EA people again was just lovely), and then all the Bishops came on. i was actually cheering for Bishop Michael of EA after the Taize experience I had, and the lovely card he sent me, and all the banners were going. Nick, who was holding the banner for my church heard me shout his name out, so he saw where I was stood.
When the Papal arrival was imminent the choir started singing some of the beautiful movements from the Messiah - moving moving music. And then the arrival - just chaos, excitement and cheering - I cannot really describe the atmosphere. What happened next just moved me to the extreme. I hyde park, 80,000 people knelt in prayer for adoration of the blessed sacrament. two Taize chants proceded the exposition, and then we all knelt in prayer. Tears flowed. Tell out my soul was the hymn being sung at the end when Nick came to find me to give me a huge hug, and my youth, who by then were calling me "mummy" were just smiling and moved by the whole thing. On the walk back to Victoria station, the youth were telling me how lucky they had felt to have been chosen for the day, that the experience was amazing, and they had never felt prayer like that before. I thanked the youth for the day - they had really made it so enjoyable for me. they were lovely, engaging, inquisitive, prayerful, joyous and just special. I was blessed to look after them - they really did make my day. At the station I met people from my Parish, and we chatted about the varying experiences, while we made our way home.
I got in late - I heard from all my youth that they had got home safely and thanking me for the day, and was very very tired.
I had a shower, a gin, some food, and then got everything I needed ready, and then headed back to church to get the coach to Birmingham.
I had no sleep on the coach - was just full of adrenaline still, and we arrived in Birmingham at about 4:30. It was at about 5:00 when we arrived at a rainy and still dark Cofton park. We set up the St James camp (we had our church banner with us), and sat and chatted to other people in the parish, and the people infront of us, who had me down as too cheery for somebody at this time of the morning. Watching the sunrise was lovely, and everything all started coming together when there was more light. At about 8, Boyce and Stanley came on to sing, and we were live on Radio 4 singing the old classics "Bread of Life" and the Magnificat. there was also a listening to the rehearsal of the choir that would be singing during the service, and then a procession of a ridiculous number of priests. I have never ever seen so many - I was just wondering who was celebrating at the various parishes that morning.
The rain stopped for the Pope's arrival. It was funny that beforehand, when it was raining and there was a blanket of unbrellas, an announcement came saying that during communion the priests would be seen as they would have an umbrella - for those of us who were awake this provided a giggle. But it had stopped raining, and there were many cheers.
The service was lovely - the beatification occurred, Pat from uni was doing the second reading, and we all had time to think and pray among about 60,000 other Catholics (I may have had a little doze during the homily - just a tiny one), but still, it was a lovely service.
At the end the rousing hymn got us all going, and we cheered even more when a husband of one of the parish members sent us a text to say that we had been spotted on BBC footage with the banner - hurrah! At the end I looked at my phone to see a missed call from James, as I had texted on my arrival asking if they had been allocated tickets, but thinking there would be no hope in finding them. However, I was wrong. With the use of our parish banner, their flag and good positioning of cameras, we spotted each other, and so i went down to see them. Having had James, Ella and the girls over for dinner just over a week before, and on their leaving said to them "see you in about a year", it was lovely to see them again. It was here I found out that Ella had juggled for the Pope - genius!
Back to the parish group - we ate our pic nics, and danced to the music coming from the stage, and having banner fun (how many situations could we get the banner photographed with), and as a parish we made our way back to the coach. Now during this time a lady who had come from my parish and I had many discussions. A few years ago I had a very teary service in church, and she came up at the end, and gave me a huge hug, chat and prayer, and I have never forgotten that simple gesture. We talked about relationships and loneliness and kind of giving up hope. She was saddened to hear that I was giving up hope on this, and was praying for me, and has continued ever since.
On the coach I cracked open a can of gin and tonic, toasted the Pope and the other parishoners who were travelling with me. We all had a laugh and a giggle and had experienced this journey together. Very very rarely do you get to see the sunrise and pray with other people in your parish, and share such a moment together. This was almost as important to me then the actual papal event - it is what I will remember and think about when I look back at the weekend.
On returning home, I was knackered, but still too excited to sleep. my little nephew was in when I got back so I had a play and a cuddle with him. I then sat down, and then all the adrenaline left, and tiredness hit. Having had no sleep since 5:30 am Saturday morning, it hit me, and at 9:30 I went to bed.

The visit was positive - very positive. I had a debrief with my kids a week later. they had all be so encouraged by it. One felt that she had never really been given the chance to publicly express her faith, and so expressing it with 3,000 other people her age was just a release for her. another had just had a brother return from 6 months duty in Afghanistan, and so had so much to be thankful for, and she had so much praise. The boys said it was something they would never forget, and had really kicked start their faith, and they all said they would not have changed the day for the world. and they all said they had gained another mum from it!

I had a great time - i really did. However, i dont know how much of it was down to the Pope being there, or how much was to do with being able to celebrate faith with so many people my age, seeing lots of friends, and spending time with people in my parish who I may not necessarily would have spent time with previously. the papal visit was the vehicle that let all this happen - but it should happen more frequently, and that is the feedback I have had from other people as well.

so there we have it - that was my papal weekend. lovely, special and fulfilling prayer wise. tiring but worth it. I would not have changed it for the world - the experience will be with me for a long long time.

I promise I will write about the Papal visit soon - I have had my debrief with the kids, I just need to do my own personal debrief...but it will be done shortly.

I am writing for a few things:

- most importantly, I would like to as for prayers for Bishop Michael of EA diocese...his health is not so good, and could do with them. Bishop Michael gave me the best prayer experience this summer in Taize, and listened to me, and welcomed me as part of EA...prayers for him would be fantastic.

- I would kind of like prayers for me. I am going through a down patch, and struggling to push my way out of it. Work is busy, moving but busy, but I am having that panic of I dont know whether I am good enough

- thirdly, another one of my closest friends is thinking about leaving to do mission for 2 years. I just dont think I can have any of my close friends go anymore. I rely on friends around me, more then people can imagine. Obviously I want them to do what they are being called to do, but I am being selfish, as I need my friends, and to be away for two years is just so upsetting.

sorry for a bleak post...

so tired - and will blog more about my weekend soon - but two days, 3 papal homilies, many friends met with, no sleep, lots of talking, lots of singing, lots of laughing, lots of praying - just amazing!
and the 7 bromley deanery youth I was in charge of - were just a pleasure! pure delights!
loved it!
"If you're Catholic and you know it, clap your hands!"

Dear Bloggers

I am going to write about my Taize experience for this year...so those who think I write too much about Taize may not want to read this post.
This year was the third year in a row that I have been to Taize for two weeks. I love going for more then one week - I find I get so much more out of the experience, and it gives time for my prayer time to develop, and more time to explore the real me without the complications of everyday life.

As with two years ago, my first week was spent with the Diocese of East Anglia, as I have many friends in that group - many of which were cemented this year through long discussions - especially regarding vocations - as one of my good friends has recently been ordained. The group is led by Bishop Micheal Evans - a Bishop who i grew to love and admire in that week - spending so much time with us - the youth, answering our questions, joining in with our jokes, and being the true shepherd - to us his sheep. One of my most powerful prayer experiences came in that week. I had a really hard day one day, and after evening prayer I had questions, anger, upset that I needed to get off my chest. So I went to talk to Bishop Michael who sits in church in the evening to hear confessions. I spoke to him about what I feel God is asking me to do with my life, the problems that I have in my diocese and parish, my loneliness, depression, self-harm and masks that I have developed over the years, and how that has had an impact on my relationship with God. He sat, listened, gave advice - told me to write to my Bishops quoting him, and when I was about to leave, he asked to pray for me. When he did, I felt a surge of love and warmth, my muscles went tingly, I felt I had lost control, and at the end without warning I just burst into tears. Not knowing what to do with myself - my legs felt heavy - I could not move, Bishop Micheal hugged me - such a grand fatherly hug - it was just a special moment - and one when I knew that the 'dirty southwarker' had been fully accepted into the East Anglia group. the week just improved from then on...We wrote a parody of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance - it becoming "Writing a Taize chant"...I ofetn find myself humming that from time to time. We were being taught about St John's Gospel in the 25-35 bible study group by Frere Emile, a brother I had last year who just personifies happiness and peace. The candle-lit service at the end of the week was tearful for my dearest friend Alicia and I, but we dealt with it, as we knew we had another week there.

My second week was when the group from my church and surrounding churches was arriving. There is now a solid core of us, with one or two new people each year - which sounds good, but there is scope for development. I was welcoming the adults on Sunday, in one of the biggest thunderstorms I have ever encountered - quite scary for somebody with a fear of thunderstorms. It was here when I welcomed a man naed Jerry from Ireland in 2 minutes - he had been there 22 times before - I am not one to patronise...and from that moment I became his favourite. As my job for the week was a welcomer - giving the chant books, and liturgy sheets at one of the doors to the church, every morning he would have saved a space for me to sit, and then give me a reassuring pat on the head when he went! It was only on the Saturday morning did I find out he was a priest, and then we had amazing chats as well! This week, I went to the 25-35 study again - it was being done by Fr Paolo this week - who came out with pearls of wisdom, such as "St Johns Gospel is like one of those nee ecological light-bulbs". But I also went to the Bible study for the second weekers, run by Frere Maxime, who started the session bu saying "I like talking about God and I like talking about food, so I am going to combine the two. And you can all understand French can't you, as you know that French is the language of God". During the week Frere Maxime spoke freely about many topics, about some of his life before becoming a brother, and some of his experiences about being a brother. When he told us about the impact of Frere Rogers death for him, it had me streaming. Frere Maxime also took us on a mini pilgrimage to a nearby town of Bray with a 12th century church...we did out bible study in the field, and les Anglais (licy and I) led the Taize chants in the church after having sung for the whole walk up! The week also was very vocation based, especially when somebody, who I had considered to be a close friend told me that becoming a mother was a waste of time, and I could do something better with my life. I discussed my vocation of motherhood with some of the brothers and some other close friends. I have a close friend who is training for the Anglican priesthood - who after evening prayer on day asked if I could go for a walk with him and a chat, as he needed to cry and needed someone to talk to. I have been in Taize with him for my last 4 times, but have never had this opportunity to talk to him so deeply. It was another special moment, and really confirmed a special relationship there, and this was confirmed when we had a leaving card for each other on our last day, and an almighty immense hug. Licy was my rock for the week, and we truly kept each other going. There were also some beautiful new chants being trialled - the English one just fills me with joy when I sing it - purely beautiful. I also met with my contact sister and had a long conversation with her about my year, how I had developed from my melt down the previous year, and what I was doing. On leaving she also gave me a beautiful card and rosary to help me continue in my spiritual development.

Daniel was also out that week. I thought this could have been awkward - but it wasnt. we found time to have our time to talk about the year and last few months, and how we were both developing in prayer and how our friendship was changing and growing, and how we can continue to help and encourage each other. I find it very easy to talk to him, and he likewise - I see a lot of me in him, and can empathise with some of what he has been through, which helps incredibly. We had a good chat by the Source and that was a good way to end the week.

Sunday Eucharist the day I left was another teary event. I always find leavign Taize quite hard - you develop a routine, you meet people, you have a greater sense of freedom, but when Fr Jerry came up to me to tell me what he thought of me, and how there was one person that always touches him in a visit, and how that was me this year - that was it - I was gone. Brother Matthew gave me a reprieve of not having to sit through this is how you welcome adults meeting as I had done it the week before, giving me time to pack my belongings and my tent, get lunch, and say goodbye to my church group before I started to welcome adults (and two people who I met last year) before getting on the coach home. I also met a few of the girls from my silent week last year which was great, and all in all had a moving two weeks.

Taize never fails to surprise me in one way or another...be it the people I meet, the laughs I have, the spiritual experiences I encounter, or seeing and actually realisng who is important to me in my life, and who it is I need...all really important findings. I had a few mutterings with a few people about going for longer next year, but this is completelt dependent on the PhD...but a month would be good. If anyone reading this, thinks I have completely lost it - I havent. but the community provides me with the support, both spiritually and mentally that sometimes I feel I lack at home.

On my return I wrote to Bishop Michael thanking him for his support and kindness during the week, only got a two days later to have a response from him. I pray for his health, and his continuing ministry, and I pray the EA diocese know just how lucky they are!

Thank you Taize

quick post - just back from an amazing two weeks in Taize - a little sleep deprive however, so am going to have a nap!
will do a Taize update soon...so mcuh happened, that i have to digest it a little first