today has been my body's way of telling me to stop, so I took a sick day off war, having woken up with a throbbing headache after having been in bed for 10 hours, with a cough still going and a blocked nose, I was not getting out of bed.
why...because I have not stopped.
The youth confirmation retreat went really well - i hope the kids got a lot out of it - if they didnt, then I certainly did. I cried one evening on my own after the celebration of the Eucharist and the sacrament of Reconcilliation....it was a healthy cry - i had stored so much up...anger, stress, fear, anxiety, loneliness...joy, praise, understanding, opennings....there was a lot going on I was just so confused, so just cried, a long messy cry - but man - it was truly needed. I did not want the kids to see...even singing the psalm during the Mass for them nearly got me going - the power of music is just stunning.
anyway, I went straight from that to a choir rehearsal for holy week singing. Love the little choir we have going, and we have learnt some beautiful moving music for people to contemplate on.
Which led straight to my finishing writing the slides for my presentation, listening to my interview recordings and finalising things..then Chris, my professor and I made our way to Paris to present our research on qaulity of working life, and how that fitted into our research schemes - for me how changing work patterns in the nhs are impacting upon quality of working life for staff and ultimately how this effects patient safety and service quality. there were very important profs in the room, and i was the last paper presented...after two nights of being wined and dined, and having left with a sore throat beginning, i was beginning to feel very ill...the presentation done (successfully as well), adrenaline over, on the eurostar home i felt very very ill.
Then onto the Friday...Poznan girls reunion - it was really good fun - even better if I had not been sneezing and coughing through it. This started with a taize prayer, shared meal, sleep over and fun in London town the next day...which led to a full of cold me going home to...
...babysit the nephew who was over for the weekend. We took him to palm sunday mass, then I had choir rehearsal and then in the evening a Taize service which left me voiceless!
had to go into work yesterday as I had an interview booked in, but by the end of the day - that was it - just gone - no energy left!
so today was just relax, sleeping, fluids and rest.
have an interview to do tomorrow, but the rest has hopefully done the trick now, as have choir tomorrow and then the holy week triduum!
right, that is it for now...stuff going on, stuff i need to sort out

what, a post..again...two days, two posts!

why?

well today, well this evening more correctly I was told good news....what? good news?
As you may have gathered, I have been doing a course of CBT, to help with my continual anxiety and depression. At my first session in November, I was rated severe - in fact so severe they thought I should not do the course and do some more severe psychotherapy. But my person said he saw something in me, and because to quote him "you appeared intelligent, motivated and I wanted to work with you"...so he did

Today was my last session, and my final assessment. I knew that I was doing a little better, i realised that there was some rationality behind me seeming irrationality. but my person was basically a little dumb-founded with my scores. I was still severe in one test, but not extreme severity, but was only 2 points from moderate! For my other scores, I was still clinical, but not as bad as i was before, on some of the test scores i was down 0.75. My person could not believe it - he was really surprised - especially as he had to argue a little bit to take me on!

I have to thank this person so much, he listened to my moaning, my doubts, fears, and helped me see with my thought plans that I was sometimes justified with my thought processes, and made me see my key points to where my negative thoughts could arise - this has been amazing. the best thing about him, and I told him this tonight - he did not patronise me - not one bit. he was not "the world is a happy place, and we must all dance for joy at everything" - he was realistic, allowed me to be realistic, and did not patronise me one bit - and this was key. absolute key.

so have a right to be proud. I am beginning to realise when i am on the path of the down ward spiral I can try and stop my thoughts going down that path, and get myself thinking in a positive way.

so yes...still clinical, but much less severe then I was...

Last thing I said to my person....celebratory gin! (i have not had this...)

paper was sent to the conference organisers yesterday, after only minor editting from the prof..

phone call went like this:
prof "hello zofia. I have read your paper. It was actually very good, I was very impressed"
me "you sound surprised David"
prof "well you were not selling to me, and I know you have been anxious about it, but there was nothing to be anxious about"

When meeting him to talk about the interviews i have been conducting, and to pick up said changes, he did the, we really must look at this self-confidence issue of yours and work on it. You seem to work well under pressure, maybe this is the answer (it is not by the way).

St James have finally decided the dates for this years Taize trip - the first week of August. i will already be there, as I am going for two weeks - the week before, and this week, and so will meet people there. if anyone is interested in coming, let me know, and I will see what I can do. The prayer last Friday was just so lovely, and seeing people again was just great. next week I have a reunion with the girls I met in Poznan...we are starting this with Taize prayer, a shared meal, and the hope to do a retreat style 24 hours....am muchos looking forward to it. taize stuff at St James is reallt getting there as well...we have a service every month now, and on Good Friday we wil also be doing prayer around the cross. something that really got me in my silent week was: "I am sure I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Yes I shall see the goodness of the Lord, hold firm trust in the Lord". If you cant hold firm on anything else, you sure can in the Lord.

Something else has really struck me this week as well: "If we hope for something that we have not yet got, wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25). The Lord hears my hopes, they are in His amazing creating hands....

and so, back to work, preparing presentations, and preparing to do more interviews...good stuff.

ps - if anyone is in the Petts Wood area on the 16th May, Petts Wood Festival Chorus have our annual concert - this year Vivaldi's Gloria (and a few other pieces). Money is being raised for Dumelza House - a local childrens hospice. a good way to bring the churches together.

and finally, if people have a spare 2 minutes, this weekend I am taking confirmation candidates on retreat, so they can have some focussed prayer time. Please pray they are open to the experience.

hello fellow blog readers
I hope all of you are well

this week has been hugely stressful, but i managed it. I had three days to write my first conference paper...one day i had brain freeze as i had been interviewing for data collection that day...so two days, 7,000 words later a shoddy paper was handed into my prof 5 minutes before the deadline...we shall see what he has to say about it.

but the friday improved, when I met with some beautiful people to go to a Taizé prayer around the cross with Frere Paolo. i met up with various people before going there, and when there, so many familiar faces were there it was so good to see. The prayer was beautiful...it just gave that brilliant time to reflect after a very busy week. to meet people who are so excited about prayer and Christ is just fantastic. it was a special evening, and I had good conversations afterwards, and the playing of stupid games...nearly the last train home and i was so full excitedness that I found it hard to sleep...

...which was a shame as yesterday I was doing a 10 mile sponsored walk on the Thames path to raise money to help send somebody to Lourdes with HCPT...it was a beautiful walk aross the city, and so glad that I did it...and when doing something like this, you realise how many little things in London you miss when you rush through it everyday.

today, i have a holy week choir rehearsal and a taize meet up for people in my area who have gone...and the next working week begins.

data collection for one part of the PhD has started - this is good news. I think the interviews the other day went well, but they are very draining! but should not complain, they are providing me some info...just have to get about 10 more people to agree...the project is being implemented a week later then thought, which gives me an extra week to collect data - hurrah.
had a night out with the girls last night - much needed...but has left me very very tired today, so it will be an early night. It also meant that i have not been able to work on the paper that I need to have written by Friday...never mind - will just have to continue to write it around the busy week I have this week. good stuff.

other then that, met with a lovely friend recently and had good faith chat, and they remain in my prayers as they make some decisions about their future.

not much else to report - life just goes on