a wohooooooooo!

i am in exeter! and i am feeling very strange being sat here in the library (students these days actually do go to lectures!), i feel as if i am a bit of an intruder, but its good to be down....you see i had 25 hours of flexi-time to use up, and even now, i will only be using about 12 of them....but its all good, it will mean i can take time off at christmas....i keep on bumping into people i know, and they are all like - what are you doing here? - which is quite funny - and many have remarked on my new blondness (do they really have mroe fun!)...but charlie is keeping me informed of all the goings on at owrk which is good - got to kepe up on that office gossip!

i hope that everyone else is ok - i am needing this break like anything - i even got to lie in till 9:30 this morning, thats three more hours than normal - and even then it was a bit of a struggle to get up - oh never mind...i cant complain....

meet my tearfund people in a fortnight so that should be interesting...i am very much looking forward to putting names to faces....but on a more serious note, in lesotho where 40% of the population are suffering from AIDS/HIV, i think that this just highlights the gravity of the situation that people there are faced with...and a reasib why i am going out there to help...so although its fun at the moment, there is a deeply important reason to this trip that people have to realise...

anyways, apart from that, will just do some research for my mphil now i have access to the library computers (thanks Lis!)

hope to see the exeter people that read this aound sometime...

zosh
xxx

sorry

it appears that i have not blogged for a long itme....there is reason for this (well kind of). last week i had to give up denying the existence of a hoorid cold, as i had got one full and proper...so bad that when i had picked up the phone i was told i sounded awful, and when i put the mediator through to my boss she apparently told my boss to send me home - she didnt though, and there was a slight phone ban for a while - so instead i got to design the inside of our divisions christmas cards, and stick them in the cards! so i was ill, and i hate being ill.

being ill meant that i could not visit my babcia for a week. i didnt want to pass any germs to my grandad, because that would have been truly awful...anyways, i saw them this weekend just gone. my grandad was a sleep all the time, and when he was awake he bears a kindof blank expression - confusion, and his eyes are all glazed..its sad. i go in all jolly, and give him a big hello and a big kiss - he has no idea who i am - he hasnt for about 5-6 years - thats something hard to come to terms with. one thing that is keeping me going, and one thing that so many people have said to me is that God obviously has a plan, and he is watching me, and telling me to keep on going with it all, but man is it hard sometimes.

have been emailing my lesotho people loads, and they all sound lovely - i get to meet them all in three weeks time at my induction weekend and that will be so exciting - when i have muy medical done, then my true fundraising will begin - so watch out, some full on begging will be done!

also been doing some research for my proposal for my Mphil - have finally had a response from a certain uni which i am very interested in...but am keeping a bit quiet as to what i am doing exactly, as it is a hard course to get on, and i dont want abig slp in the face

work has been busy but enjoyable, i do have a laugh there even though i work exetremely hard...the people (well most of them) are great, and i love the flexi-time aspect of it all...its this that is allowing me to go to Exeter for my long weekend, and hopefully this that will allow me to take the time off between christmas and new year - i have 22 hours 20 mins at the mo, some of that will be used by the end of the week, but then i have time to make it all up again!

thats enough from me for now - good luck Lis - if they cant see your desire and want to be a teacher at your interview tomorrow - then all the fool them!

zosh
ps - eight weeks and no anti-deppressant - result for me! thats the longest it has been in a long time - i have been tempted, but i have managed without - a wohoo!

hello

I have spent the last four days desperately trying to deny the existence of colds (colds are for week people i say), but having being told by countless family mediators and solicitors as to how awful i sounded on the phone (after my doing the usual, good morning/afternoon, children and family services, zosia spekaing, how may i help you?), and coughing through it, i really dont think i can deny it anymore. unfortunatly i feel i have caught a cold, and it does well and truly sux, as it makes a tiring week, even more tiring - i feel i have worke four days already, and i have only worked two - never mind - i think today will be the worst - so it can only get bet - thankfully we have a chemist next door to the commission - i was greatful anyways!

other than that nothing much has happend, have been hearing from my lesotho people which is always exciting, and have been wanting to sleep, but not been able to!....my flexi-time is now lookng very healthy indeed - and i am looking forward to my long weekend that i have booked off - i hope you guys that we can do some fun stuff - and i will need some cheap drinking!

see you all soon
hope you're all weel and good

love and coughs
zosh xx

hello blog

what a week - work has been manic, its had its ups and downs....charlie the poor girl has had a touhg week - but we get to have her in the office till christmas - a wohoo! pity she has been banned from talking to me in the office - thats ok - we have just abused the email sustem, and take very well timed loo breaks! (we've done nothing worng at all - dont get me wrong - its just theres been a bit of a personality clash and some people want to make it difficult for poor charlie)

grandad is out of hospital - thank you for your prayers - howeer he is still poorly - he sleeps for the vast majority of the day, and just is still very ill. if it were me, i would not have let him out of hospital, as things arent really very good, but the way the health system is, there are not enough beds - etc etc etc, and so off home he went - its strabge how sytrong he can battle, from 24 hours to live, to being let out of hospital - too much for my little head to take in.

i had my first panic attck in 2 1/2 months today - the events and stress of the last few weeks ahve finally caught up with my body, and my body just doesnt like it too much - unsurprisingly...so i took a beta blocker 0 and i have not had to take one of those in aaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssss, but still no a-d for 6 1/2 weeks, and that i think is bloody week, after the fortnight that i have just had!

and lastly i know my lesotho team - we got each others emails in the week, and we have started emailing each other getting to know each other - and everyone seems lovely, and so i think it will be a very exciting time.

and now i mean lastly am going wedding dress fitting with dav in london tomorrow - i can see a very long day ahead - eek!

zosh x

blunt

well, as many of you know over the last yera i ahve had a lot on my plate...illness, depression, thoughts of ending it all, being dumped, finals, leaving uni....ive had it hard - i know people have it harder, but its fair to say that i have had it hard.

over the last few dys, i feel like i have been to hell and back...at the weekend my grandad was dying...there seemed as if there was no hope...now all of a sudden he has made a recovery...i swear dementia has to be the biggest head messer i have ever come across. this has worn me out emotionally and physically, and i just dont know what to think any more. obviously its great that he is still alive, but really the quality of life is so poor its untrue....i just dnt know what to think...sometimes (now i dont want anyone to think that i am being horrid here, as it is so hard for me to say this), but sometimes i wish that it was over...then i know my grandad wont be in any pain and sufferring, and his life will be much better...but then when i think like this i hate myself,a s i know it will lead to the demise of my nan. you see how it plays with your head. its horrid, and nasty, and i hate myself for having such thoughts, like you would not believe....oh i feel messed up by it all. hence the roller coaster of emotions people experienced at the weekend with me, and i am so sorry for that.

other than that, work has been veru hectic this week - had an internal relaunch of our department - children and family division at the legal services commission (a not for profit government organisation - dont you know), and i always have a hell of a lot of work at the beginning of the month, as i have to process many mnay payments.

sorry for the eekness of my blog as of late - gives you an insight into the life of me - lucky you're just reading it then hey?

Blunt

I really want to be quite blunt about the way i feel about things, and so this might be a hard read for some people, but believe you me, you're not the people that have to live with my thoughts...you're very lucky.

obviously my grandad has been very ill recently - almost at death's door that it was frightening, and i hated it...but now, well tonight he will be having his last dose of anti-biotics as they say that he is recovering. now, i am so confused...this illness is one of the biggest head messers i have ever come across - more then the way that i have been treated by some people...its just the most confusing most dreadful thing ever. i just dont know where i stand, at some points i am told that he isnt going to survive the weekend and now there is talk of him returning home. Now dont get me worng, it is great that he has not died, but at the same time, he is not going to be the same as he was before...he is going to be weaker and less capable fodoing stuff, and his quality of life is alomost going to be in-existence. now is this fair? its so hard for him and the family. we are just so yp and down in our emotions - really i just dint know whether i should laugh/cry, be happy/sad...i just dnt know what to think or feel anymore its untrue. its such a horrid horrid illness. it snot fair? everyone has been so nice and helpful, and lovely, putting up with my mixed up head, my mixed up emotions, but then i feel guilty for putting this on everyone to take...i am so sorry guys.

i just have so many thoughts zooming around my head, it is sometimes so hard for me to think logically abut what is going on...nobody knows how or when this dreadful....bloody awful disease ends, and i just cant cope with this uncertainty. everytime a phone rings i get scared about what news i hear on the other side...on the train home, i wonder what news i am going to arrive home to...its a fucking awful way to be living a life, and i am fed up of it.....no-ones to blame...its just too hard to take, that sometimes i feel like i just cant continue when its like this all the time..

i know shit happens, and life goes on...but really soemtimes shit can happen too much in too short a space of time for it to be at all healthy.

sorry if that has confused/annoyed/upset/hurt anyone

thank you

i will blog about u-nite another time, but i just want to say prayers must be working as today my grandad came off his drip...he is still being pumped with anti-biotics and has a bit of a temperature but it is good he is not on his drip anymore....we will just have to keep on going...

was pushed off a train yesterday by an angry woman, landed on all fours on blackfriars platform - ow.

zosh
x