guys - not done this for a while, but I seem to have hit a real low. scared, anxious, tearful all the time. not sleeping greatly either. probably many things have triggered this, cannot put it down to one thing, or put a maximum on it either. please put a word in for me when you can

ps - mark will get Skype soon, I just need to get a new computer first.

It has been a long time since I last blogged - I have been doing a lot of thinking - a lot.

"Just as the day declines to evening, so often after some little pleasure my heart declines into depression. Everything seems dull, every action feels like a burden. If anyone speaks I scarcely listen. If anyone knocks, I scarcely hear. My heart is as hard as flint." (Saint Aelred of Rievaulx)

I read this, and it hit me. This perfectly describes how I often feel. It is something so very hard to put into words, when you so earnestly want something, or try for things, but it is your own body/mind that is keeping you back. It is not something you can just snap out of - my word I would love it if it was...but no. It is hard work - and so mentally and physically exhausting. In the mornings when I have to really make an effort to get going, and actually put my life into action - it is hard work. When I go through a very bad patch, I not only sink inwards but I physically get ill as well - my immune system goes. I have been ill for over three months - thankfully I am getting better now...I have suffered some amazing headaches though. Anxiety and depression is hard. I am trying though. I really am. But this, really did touch me as a good description of what it is like.

So, I have now done 7 weeks of my studies...it is tough going if I am being honest. it is solitary work, buy I am learning new things, and thinking about things in new ways, and that has to be good. It involves a lot of self motivation which sometimes it harder then other days, but I get there.

I have been spending time with my gorgeous nephew as well - I mean he is just lovely - I love him to pieces, and I long for the day when I can have a child of my own. The joy that he brings to the family when we see him is just amazing.

The church choir for Handel's Messiah is coming along - we are all working hard - this happens in 3 weeks time. No young, attractive famous tenors this year to my disappointment! no matter how much I begged my priest to get one in - nope - not this year! Money is going to our local childrens hospice, so I really do hope we get local support.

I have been heavily reliant on some friends recently, and I greatly thank them for their it seems never-ending support, and I do not thank you enough. I have had to move back home, which has been hard for me , and the support I get is great. I miss Erica in Oz loads, must stop making friends with people who live over a 24 hour flight away...its not fair!

and that is just about it - well there is probably tonnes I have forgotton, but that is enough for you all now.

just where has January gone?
well...it has involved the starting of the PhD...I have done lots of reading, anf quite (very sadly) enjoying being in a library again...it is hard reading....and I dont have an exact topic of focus yet, but that supposedly is ok according to my superviser who says to give it about 6 months! he had so much faith in me during our meeting it was quite scary...well this is why we hired you Zofia came up a lot! so yeah, that has been that,

Yesterday I went with Chris to see Chicago at the theatre- the tickets were one of my leaving presents from work - just bloody brilliant, and all that jazz! loved it! work got a thank you email this morning.

I have to stop making friends with people from the other side of the world. my housemate left the other day to go back to Oz to sort out her visa and get over glandular fever, and i miss her already. am actually moving out of the house for many reasons (econmic being one), so only a few more weeks living here - and a lot to pack up...am moving back home for a bit - just while i get settled with uni etc.

we have started out rehearsal for the Messiah - great piece of music, am loving learning it, although hard in a few places...

and that is about it

********news flash update*********

my little nephew is called Matthew

***************NEWS FLASH***************************

I am an auntie!
Congratulations to Peter and Davina and my little nephew (name still unknown). A hefty little 'un at 9 lbs and 3 oz.

Cannot wait to see him, but that is my news...

...and it is getting warmer apparently!

Happy New Year everyone!

I hope that yours has started a lot more healthily then mine....

yes I was ill in December too - but Brussels did not do much for my health, and now I am on many an anti-biotic to make me better! so much so, I had to miss the first meeting with my PhD superviser - as both are agreed that it is much better for to be healthy!

Well...why was I in Brussels - well for the Taizé european meeting of course! Geneva welcomed the year in last year, Brussels this year. once again around 40,000 young people coming together to pray is just brilliant - and a prayer vigil for peace being the best way to start in the new year. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I was not feeling so shocking - but such is the problem with illness - you just never know when it is going to strike! but just in general, I had good God time, and so that was great for me. Oh and I was also interviewed for Brussels telly and that was shown in New Years Day...good times!

Now, I am not really going to make any solid resolutions. Last year was a bit of a toughie, with Karl and Ben issues, losing a job etc...but it also had good points including moving house and making a fab friend in my new housemate, good church stuff, two fabulous weeks in Taizé, and at the end of the year finding out that I was going to start a PhD in a field I am excited in. but the general things such as keeping fit and being healthy is in there, finding good prayer time, and just generally wanting to get on with my new studies and understand what I will be doing over the next three years!

Leaving work was hard - I cried quite a bit - I have made such special friends there and we all had good fun which was lovely, and I am sure that I will keep in touch - in fact they rang me already today!

so that is it...I am in bed trying to get better...happy new year!

I have been struck down by the dreaded cold...on Monday I was in work for 40 minutes before I was sent home, yesterday I went in for the afternoon, and I am going in for mid-morning today. It is not very nice especially as this is my last few days at work now. have got some enrolment details for my PhD now, so it is real, it is happening.

yesterday was a special night. i went to the Royal Mews children Christmas Party - it was really cool. we got to see loads of the carriages and horses, and Lizzie was there, but I completely missed her - apparently she came in for a few minutes very hidden..grr!

Tonight I am going to see Imagine This again with a group of people - before it closes down. It is a brilliant show - I just hope that I can stop coughing enough for it!

Work Christmas do tomorrow, and maybe a little leaving do before I go.

will be sad to leave work, but will be in touch with them lots.

right, time to get ready for work

it has been a while since I have blogged and a lot has continued. I have officially given in my notice - horay! 12 more days of employment as I know it...

I have been trying to get more info about my PhD and the uni I am going to be studying in - it is quite daunting to be starting out again...but it is something that I have been wanting to do for a while.

I have been to see "Imagine This" at the theatre - it was brilliant! now, please do not believe everything you read in the press about this show - it was fabulous! It was a play about hope and had me in tears - just fabulous - a musical about the Warsaw Ghetto is not meant to work - bt this one really does - go see it if you can.

Have also been to see Sleeping Beauty at the Coliseum - I have not been to the ballet for so long, and this was something just super special to see - also an amazing night.

Have been doing a lot of choir stuff as we are doing a Christmas service, and then singing in mid-night mass, and this has been challenging but good. I am singing out of my usual range so my throat has been sore, but it is always good to learn new music - bring on the new year and the Messiah! what a challenge and a half.

and have been to an American Thanksgiving, and now the Christmas celebration season is in swing, and a few leaving drinks to go to...and maybe something quite special for Erica and I if Chris can sort it for us...we shall see.

anyways, that is enough from me for now

Hi all

I am a bit drunk when typing this - so sorry!

Why you may ask...well yesterday was just a whirlwind

as you may have gathered from my blog, there has been another job opportunity in the pipeline that would stop me from taking a bloody good salary that the internal job would give me! well yesterday this excitement was concluded...I was offered the PhD that I went for...what is that..a PhD...

Yes, for some strange reason - I decided that it would be a good idea to apply for one, and apply I did - an interview I got, and an interview I passed, and the position was offered! It is a fully funded PhD, for three years, in London, so I am quite excited..

I am in a somewhat envious position in that I have two jobs offered - went for two and got both...did not think that would happen at all...but it has. decisions will have to be made this weekend, but I think I know which one I am going to go for....

oh well!

Zx

Gott lass meine Gedanken sich sammein zu dir. Bei dir ist das Licht, du vergisst mich nicht. Bei dir ist die Hilfe, bei dir ist die Geduld. Ich verstehe deine Wege nict, aber du weisst den Weg fur mich

(Taizé chant)

Just beautiful, and kind of sums things up at the moment.

share it

everything else wise, they advertised my job at work today - a kick in the teeth...but hey win some, lose some, life goes on

It has been a stressful few weeks, which is why I have been silent. As people know, my work contract was not extended so I have been having to find a new job, and with the crisis that is going on at the moment, I was frightened about not getting a job.

That worry kindof ended this week, when I found out I had been offered the internal job that I went for. having never really been through a proper assessment centre before it was so very stressful, and I was literally stressful, but I must have done something right. The position is two levels above the one that I am currently at, and a different focus - but it looks good. It is in Steves department, but not his team, but that is a weight off my mind. I have not accepted the job yet, as I am waiting to hear about something else I have applied for, and if I get the other placement, then some decisions will have to be made....so that has reduced the worry somewhat.

otherwise, I have been a bit up and down moodwise, but I have had some lovely people here to help me through it all, and I am doing God stuff to help me too. I have thrown myself into church stuff, helping with the youth group (youth ministry training has now been completed), and tomorrow Brother Paulo from Taizé is in London, and so I am helping with that.

I have been to the Mews again which was fun, and have had various people round to tea, and Erica is back from her holiday which is just great - it is good to have her back. have fed the ducks in St James' Park a lot with work colleagues in our lunch break, and just generally trying to keep myself going...

we shall see

It has taken a while, but St James is now a Fairtrade church!

http://www.stjamespettswood.org/

it is good news....

Had a Taizé reunion meal last night - was very much fun...talking about our planned trip to Taizé next year - will do two weeks again - am ready for the week in silence, and think it would be good to do...but am looking forward for Bro Paulo coming to London, but also Taizé in Brussels this year. I get a lot of peace from Taizé music at the moment - it is so relaxing, and really helps me focus. Fr B has not put my new stuff onto the web-pages yet, about the trip this year, but that should happen soon.

stuff wise, have been very stresses, and excema on the eye-lid is not very pleasant...

have had a very busy week - was introduced to baby samuel - so so so so so so very very cute...and a good choice in name as well!

also, have been to Buck Palace, and stroked the queens horses...indeed...

other than that, have had a lazy day today as it was much needed, and also at last had a hair cut, with the hairdresser being very careful, as excema on the scalp is causing a lot of pain in the washing and the brushing of hair....

hope all is well else where...am tired, so I am signing out for the eve

xx

its been a bit of a weird month:
Housewise - Ewa moved out as her girlfriend came over from Poland and they are now living together - miss Ewa...but we gained a Daria, another Polish girl who is just as great. Sammy was kindof evicted....the boiler is broken - waiting for the gas man tomorrow, as we just want a little warmth in the house now. Since Sammy has left it has been a better house....

Jobwise - am still working, applied for a new job last week, and am doing another random application this week...the random one is potentially very exciting, but am still looking for other things...we moved head offices so I now work near Victoria, which is good, as I can do things like go to Mass, or just go and pray in Westminster Cathedral in my lunch hour, or before and after worl.

Church wise - am still going! we have been doing a youth ministry course, last session this tuesday. we are going to start a senior youth group aside from the junior one. have been challenged by a few things, but some good prayer has come of late...

me wise - still up and down...have been hit by stress headaches, and eczema...not so good. i have done a 13 k walk/run for charity (see facebook as to how to sponsor...you still can!), have purchased my first ever pair if skinny jeans....

...but it is the 10th anniversary of my gran dying...the first member of my family that I remember going to a funeral of, and the granny that I actually saw pass away. that has been on my mind, but i know she is resting in peace now...just cannot believe it has been 10 years - it is insane...

will continue getting applications written this week...and am working from home tomorrow morning so I can let the gas man in!

take care one and all

x

Today at church in the second reading, we had the phrase that often...and still does cause me a great deal of confusion, "Love your neighbour as you love yourself". Hard...why? well as many of you know, if you are regulat blog readers...I do not love myself. In fact there are many things that I despise about myself. Now, does that mean that I cannot love others? In my opinion no. I can love others - I deeply love my family (well most of the time!), and I love some of my friends dearly.

Fr B in his sermon today, said there were people out there who do not love themselves, and see nothing good about themselves, and so not have an over-riding ego, when they are the people who need one - he then went on to say, how this was sad, and that things should be done to help these people. Now, I am not saying that I need a huge ego, and that I don't have anyone to help me. But it is sad. When I see people really happy with where they are, with their life, and their body - I wish and pray that at some point I can be like that.

But this does not mean that I cannot love. In fact, this came up in Taizé, and I was so upset about it, I talked for a long time to one of the Brothers about it after an evening prayer - a very emotional talk it was as well. I will not say what I said, or what was said to me - some things have to be kept personal, but it helped. Not completely - I was told by anither friend that the hardest part for me in this was to learn to love myself...

I am missing Taizé a lot at the moment. I am missing the honesty with myself that I had when I was out there, as I had the time to think about what was going on, and work out how I actually felt about different situations. Being depressed isnt just about feeling down - its feeling helpless. useless, worthless, angry with yourself, not understanding what is going on, powerless. Different situations lead to different feelings. In normal life, I dont have time to think about things so deeply, and meditatively, and have so much prayer time - yes I should make more time, but here I dont have the time for meditation three times a day, a church 5 minutes away from my accomodation that I can walk into at whatever time of the day, and people i can talk to when i need to. so yeah, I miss it.

all in all, this piece of scripture does baffle me a little, but i am trying to get to grips with some of the interpretations that I have been given of it.

enough from my tonight

Ok, it has been a while since I last blogged...reason being Taizé.

This year, I went for two weeks, easily could have stayed for longer, but got so much out of the two weeks it was immense. Now, a lot has happened to me in the last year, a lot happened to me in the few weeks before going, so I had a lot of food for thought. This year, I went seperately from my group on the coach, but met with the lovely people from East Anglia - some of whom I knew from last year. They adopted me, and let me camp up with them! I waved in Petts Wood when they arrived on Sunday evening.

The first week I did a verse by verse bible study on the first 3 chapters of revelations - absolutely fantastic, I litter collected in the morning, partook in Dr Who lands in Taizé, and on the Saturday night candle-lit service, cried my way through a brother making his life commitment to the Community.

On the second week, I thought I was going to be very lonely, with Petts Wood and East Anglia leaving - I thought wrong. I did a Bible study for 25-35 year olds, and was part of an amazing small group, I met some lovely Irish girls, I worked in Oyak, and I had the chance to speak to many brothers about my problems, including the famous Br Paulo!

Of course, and most importantly I had loads and loads and loads of time to spend with God which was my main intention for going to Taizé...with my busy year, and life just generally spent running around, sometimes God gets pushed aside a bit - not forgotton, but certainly not given the praise that He deserves. Taizé, even though filled to the brim with people, gave me the peace I needed to spend time with God - down at the Source, or as many an evening went by, just sitting in the church. I rarely left the church before 12:30 in the morning - which meant for some tired eyes, but it did a lot for my relationship with God.

If I am being honest, the silence was hard in the first few services - getting back into Taizé worship took time, but once I was there, I had a chance to tackle questions, some very personal, that have arisen over the year. The one thing I did discover, and I am not ashamed to admit was that I was and am internally very angry with a few things, people, situations, outcomes. Instead of coping with it, I internalised it, and started to become angry with me...not only was this beginning to make me ill and not sleep, but it was not doing the self harm any good. Only when I had time to reflect as to what was going on with my life, did I realise I was angry...and the thing is, I have learnt to cover up many an emotion, this was another that was swept under the carpet - that "didn't matter". Obviously it does matter, and now needs to be worked on, but now God is there to help me. The silence gave me time to explore situations that have occurred over the last year, losing people both physically and metaphorically, deciding where to go with my job, trying to discover what God is calling me to have relationship wise, thinking about the senior youth group at church. Solutions were not found - there were no bolts of lightening, no visions, or anything like that to say the least, but there was the feeling of gaining strength to battle problems and face up to problems, and not just walk away - to stick up for myself, but most importantly, to know that God is walking with me through this all and so will be there for me.

During the two weeks I had a few chats with Brother Paulo. On my last Saturday - I was supposed to be doing my shift on OYAK, but sod that, I needed to chat with Paulo. Indeed, I bascially just cried infront of him, declaring the fact that I did not want to go home, but he gave some wise words to me, and I know that he will be praying for me, and so yeah, that was lovely.

Taizé never ceases to surprise me. How friendships can develop so quickly - how welcoming the brothers are to the young in the community, how one of the brothers can resemble Robbie Williams so strongly...

I had a great two weeks...

Since coming home, I have been busy. I sadly could not get time off work so quickly after coming back from one holiday to go to Italy to see Mark and Monica marry, but I did see Ruth and Chas marry in my parish church. I have been out with Chris and Sarah, I have been out with work, I have been to a BBQ, I have been to see the most sublime music get played at the Proms - St Johns Passion (Bach), by the Monteverdi Choir - just absolutely great....and today I had a mini Nottingham uni reunion in London.....

all in all a busy few weeks...and a busy few weeks to come.

it has been a weird few weeks for sure. The same week after I had a break-up, on that Friday I found out that even though I had received the very rarely given exceeded rating in my appraisal, I was then told that my contract was not going to get extended. Gutted. I had previously been talking to my old boss Steve about all of my options, and he said he would be truly gutted of they didnt keep me, and he is. He has been an incredible help recently in trying to lift my spirits, and has been an amazing support that I appreciate. Both he and I are genuinely very gutted. I found out today that I have got my job to the end of December (so extended for a month and a half), but after that - new year..new job....or maybe! This has opened the potential for a few things...travelling, or even more left field trying to find sponsorhip for a phd!

so my life has been very uncertain in many ways. I have however become very close to my housemate Erica, and we have recently had our Christianity tested in a few ways with another of our hoursemates which has been tense, but yeah, we are working through it.

have been doing some 'cultured' activities. i went to see the live screening of the marriage of figaro from the royal opera house to trafalgar square which was just amazing - a picnic for 8,000 people. i also went to the first night of the proms with my brother - it was amazing. i have since booked for eirca, myself, my priest, his wife and his son to see St Johns Passion by Bach (what we sang at Easter) sung by the Montiverdi Choir at one of the Proms...this time I will not embark on a relationship with the evangelist and tenor soloist! It won't get me that far. In fact in the words of Chris..."maybe your next boyfriend should not appear so much on youtube" is a step in the correct direction.

i have also been partaking in a baby shower (the next one PRBC wants to hold is mine...they will be waiting a while), karaoke, BBQ's, a cinema trip to Mammamia...

...but for the next few weeks I will be camping in Taizé in my own tent...I need this time to focus back on God, to meet new people, to get advice from people who may really help me, and just to get my life back on track before I get more upset/hurt/lost.

my holiday has officially begun...am packing listening to a variety of tunes on my compauter - I am to a little bit of hand washing, and then sleep in my king-sized bed under a solid roof for the last time in a quite a bit of time!

It has been a while since I have done it..but yesterday I did it again - I cried in church - not just a little tear - but big full on snotty crying! not intentionally, but a lot of anger and upset came to a boil late saturday night/early sunday morning. for probably the first time in a my life I stood up to a man that was not treating me so well, and although i felt crappy yesterday, i have so made the right decision and am proud of myself for doing it. a relationship of me, a man and his ego and arrogance was never going to work...ah the downfall of dating someone who had there time in the celebrity sphere and was still wishing they were in it! but i feel a lot better than i did yesterday...and I do complain about my parish, but yesterday when people I did not know came up to hug me, I was proud to be part of my parish.

i also have to say that i have been blessed with lovely housemates who looked after me in the evening, and who sent me texts of thoughts and love today...i am blessed to have another Christian in the house, and i get on with her like a house on fire, and so I really feel God has provided for me with good friends, even if a partner is more hard to come by!

All i can say is bring on my two weeks in Taizé - if there was ever a time to bring my thoughts back to God it is now

It has been a while since I have written - and the main is I have been settling into my house, and unpacking, and waiting for the landlord to fix the internet...that has now all been done, and so here I am!
Loving my new house - it has been two weeks now, the four of us get on very well, and it is just great. this weekend i tackled the jungle of our garden, and that is also looking a lot better. I had some other exciting news this weekend, but i have been asked to keep this silent for a bit, but people who i have met in person, have had to put up with a very excited me!
work has been very hard recently, not busy wise, but I have not been getting on with my boss - infact last week, my boss made me cry, and so it has been pretty tense in the office. but i am just trying to get on with my work the best that I can, and keep my head down.
a few weeks until I go to taize, and i am very excited...longer for this time, and i am also taking my own tent - should be interesting!
right, DPC minutes to type up, and a dinner to cook..had better get on!

wohoo! I have moved house! I am sharing a house with two other girls...we all moved into the empty on Saturday, and have been getting to know each other..the house is cool - i have a huge room, into which i am still unpacking, but I am getting there slowly.

the lsrc conference also went really well - like amazingly well. I was given a huge clap with flowers and chocolates at the end after all my stupidly hard work and no sleep. It was good that steve could come for some of it as well (the last day), and really enjoy it, and give me a huge hug when it had finished, and invite me round to the pub when i had sorted everything out with Greenwich afterwards. i have had eminent professors email me to personally congtratualte me for one of the best conferences they have ever been to

all in all it has been ok....

just a few issues mood wise, and stuff wise, but otherwise I am there!

Its the LSRC conference these next few days, and so these last two days have been manic! I had to deal with broken down printers...stressed bosses, and deadlines...but all has been done! I will be "Reaching Further: New Approaches to the Delivery of Legal Services" for three days....Greenwich is good! And I was called a great big bright star by my old boss...which is brilliant...it made my day. I had good Zosia loving on the emails from delegates today, so it would be nice to meet them personally after contacting them for a year!

so that is it!

moving house on saturday as well...that will be interesting!