my work have very kindly given me my time off at a time when we are very busy, so i can do a mini tour of eastern europe with the boys karl and dave starting v early saturday morning, so we can have a holiday before karl very sadly returns to new zealand. it should be good, but i am sure that it will also be sad - i know that i will miss an amazing friend - he has been there for me through a lot of hard times in the last 6 months, and listened to me, and has helped me spiritually. he was the first adult I saw get baptised (have subsequently seen a few more, and think it amazing when these people commit themselves to God in such a way), and yeah - i think the people who have met him will all miss him. but it gives me the excuse to go back to NZ...but anyway - work kindly gave me the time off - even though i only gave them a weeks notice, so that we can spend this time together.

however, this week, work has been getting their moneys worth out of me...i have worked so hard, and i am so tired, but hey...

other than that, its all just plodding along.

Its been a while since i have blogged - but hey, what can you do? i have been very busy, and also very down, so not only have i not had time to write, i have not really been in the mood to either. work has been busy, which is good, as it takes my mind off my bad mood which has developed. I am mastering the happy face again at the moment, Karl and Dave are beginning to notice it though - well we spend so much time together that it is not surprising. We are going on holiday next week, as we want to show Karl a bit more of Europe before he goes back to New Zealand...a fact that we are sad about.

Last night was the good bye do for Peter, Carole (from Poverest Baptist), and informally for Karl. I was singing Simon and Garfunkel for them with the Poverest band, and I had a lot of fun doing so - they have welcomed me once more. I had a really good time, we had to do a lot of practice, but it all turned out well - my first time of singing with a microphone...

the week before Karl, Dave and I went to Cambridge for the day which was good fun, and a little road trip I enjoyed greatly. I have also joined a choir for a bit - we are going to perform Bachs Passion of St John - a very challenging piece of music indeed, but Fr Bryan seems to think we can cope with it - so go him I suppose.

I went to Newcastle with work - the furthest north I have ever been, and had a good time. Was able to stay in the Hilton which was very nice...and all in all I had a good time up there, and there was a good opportunity to network. other work things are going ok, and my office were lovely when the other week I found myself crying at my desk...

other than that, life is plodding onwards. Bromley deanary are getting their act together, and i am getting myself more involved, and yeah...I just pray i can get out of this low spot i am in at the moment....

ok
so new years was completely different this year. I was in Geneva with four of my very good friends: Karl, Dave, Fabienne and Corinna for Taize in Europe....oh and I should say with 40,000 other International Christians also! It was fantastic. Karl, Dave and I were almost arrested on the plabe out there, but Karls wonderful flirting with the air hostess (a man), we were saved! A sleepness night nursing Karls still unexplained head wound at the airport was not the best way to start the Taize experience, but with an allocated parish, and a lovely host parish, i was ready the next day! I was the allocated English reader for my parish (in a beautiful small town called Morges who were hosting 300 of us, my host mother put 10 of us in our house, I was seperated from Karl and Dave for house mothers), and small Bible studies, then off to Palexpo for the lunching, and praying and singing with 40,000 people - just amazing!

New years eve consisted of an 11-11:50 pm vigil for peace (Taize style obv), then our parish hosted a festival of nations after having fireworks over lake Geneva to bring in the new year! once again amazing! the last day of actual Taize was very tiring, and my host mother kindly let Corinna and I stay in Geneva for one more night before we headed onto Zoffingen, via Burn, and a small town called Biele, where a young Swiss couple who we met in our parish invited us for dinner.

Zoffingen is near where Fabienne lives, where we spent a many fine evening in the Golden Ox, afetr days of walking in Strangelbach, up the Alpes, or in Lucerne! Then on Sunday we made our way to Zurich to fly home, and leave Karl in a youth hostel as he was flying back on monday!

all in all a fabulous time was had...a lot of sharing of clothes, hats, gloves and scarves, food and water happened....but yeah - it was great, and i have made such close friends with these people it is a blessing, and I shall be very sad when Karl has to return to NZ, unless we all pray very hard and he gets a job offer in England...

will hopefully put photos up soon, but we have loads to go through to get the nice ones!
happy new year everyone
xxx

well,
this will be my happy new year post! tomorrow, I go to Geneva for Taize new year - i am very excited...a few last minute texts are flying between karl and i and dave and i about things we need to take...i have for plastic plates for them both...one green set, one blue set, mine is pink - not that I am being sexist about such things...! i have nearly packed apart from my hats, gloves, and my jeans that are drying on the radiator - although we are not leaving until about 5 in the afternoon...but sleeping bag, cushion, and blanket are packed....

Christmas was good - we had a beautiful mid-night mass at out church from the first time in many many years. It was nice to see matt, dave and karl there from Poverest Baptist - I read and did the bidding prayers, our readers training has apparently paid off...the carol service beforehand was also lovely! credit to Fr B - the church was full - i always said that it would be, Fr B doubted me for a little bit, but the little smile he gave me when walking down the aisle made me realise he knew i was right! he also liked the card that i made him for Christmas (our Taize service provided the photos for it). but i was so happy to have had a mid-night mass. The next day Dave took me to the Poverest service which was just good fun! we all swapped Christmas presents - and dave, karl and i played frisbee afterwards which was fun...lots of hugs, merry christmasses and kisses were exchanged - its such a friendly church - love it! we then went to collect babcia and we had my dads side of the family around, which was better then it usually was. i fell asleep on the sofa in the evening! the end of work is hitting me! i am quite tired!

today i got up late, and then fell asleep on the sofa again - and went to my nans to say goodbye to her before my holiday....have also got a little cold - sore throat and a sicky feeling - but i think the sicky feeling is more nerves for my holiday...packing has taken up a lot of today - i am deciding what clothes will make good layers for warmth! it is actually quite hard...

anyways, happy new year everyone...i normally do my good/bad/hopes on these type of things, but i have not had time to think about that...the last month has been very interesting in a few ways, and i have enjoyed spending time in a persons company, but it is all very confusing....but hey as has been said before!

take care everyone, i hope that you all take care, and look after each other....happy new year and may 2008 be blessed for you all
Zx

i would just like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very merry christmas and a brilliant 2008! will try and blog before i go to Taize in Geneva with Dave and Karl this week!
also a quick happy birthday to Karl for yesterday....32 and still acting 3 - amazing!
and our four part silent night worked - yay!
Zx

busy busy busy again in these last few weeks! work has kept me on my toes for sure, but being able to say that you have organised an international research conference will be something! that is what i am doing - and I am learning a lot about Greenwich, snotty hotels and research politics as I go.

last night was Poverest Baptist Church Christmas Party - it was a LOT of fun! A "how well do you know your local churches quiz", with the help of my new friend Audrey (a sweet old lady who i kept company throughout the evening), i came joint first with Karl (although he had a lot of help from his dad - the minister of PBC), so i think I won! I also did karaoke for the first time...without the influence of alcohol. I tell you the PBC women do undertake a lot of peer pressure! but a blast of Uptown Girl later all was happy! Dave, Karl, Ruth and I also became the 2007 Beatles, with a fine rendition of Help! but it was a lot of fun - a big thank you to Chris who his fine projector and computer skills allowed it all to happen. They are a good church, and have welcomed me with open arms, and i thank them for that.

today, I have a choir re-hearsal - we are trying to learn silent night in 4 parts...it is a lot of fun! we shall see how it all goes. I also did all my Christmas shopping in 3 1/2 hours yesterday, which is a record, and i got my presents for my african girlies too, and some flowers for my mothers birthday which was on thursday, and which i missed as i was at breaking open the word (i had asked he previously if i could go - and she said yes - which was good, as i love BOTW), and the priest on thursday was a good egg, and got in the first round! my kind of priest! i also purchased karl and dave gloves for Geneva as i did not trust them to get their own, and it is very cold over their right now! Sarah informed me of her new lovely pink stripey gloves, which she said she thought of me when she purchased them...(Sarah and Chris made us awesome soup after church last week!)...seriously, lovely people!

My brother and sister in law have returned from madrid for good yesterday, i havent seen him since April, so that was pretty awesome...but when andrew comes back from australia, it will be very crowded at chez bajorek!

Thats about all for now i think...
stay tuned!
Zx

well, hello

it has been a busy few weeks since i last blogged. the biggest event I have been involved in is the Taize service held by Petts Wood churches together, and Bromley Deanery for national youth sunday. unfortunately, even with all the publicity that we gave it, not many youth came, but over 150 people came to the church, and we lit it all with candle-light, and we sang many chants. we sang some of the newer ones, inclding some of my favourites (el ama que'an den amore, behute mich gott, Bog jest milosci). sarah from PBC played the flute beautifully, Chris from PBC took some wonderful photos (i will put some up soon), and Dave allowed me to hide his ipod on the altar so we could record the whole service...it was very special. as i had to do so much in the service (sing the solo, read the english version of the reading, change the numbers on the number bored, pass the lighting candle round the church etc) i didnt get as much out of the service as i could have done - but it was still beautiful, and i am very much looking forward to going to Geneva over the new year to have some Taize time there.

i have had a bromley deanery meeting, where my idea of re-dedication/re-commitment has been very positively taken, and i have also managed to get the deanery to focus on youth, and we are now doing a feasibilty study to see if we can get a deanery youth worker! so yeah, that has been very positive.

um, work has been very busy, and a little bit stressful...but i am still enjoying it, and we have had many laughs recently, so that is always good.

everything else wise, after enjoying the singing at the taize service, some poverest baptist people and i are starting our own choir, and the first outing for us is their carol by candlelight service. i have been invited to their christmas party, and this week dearest dave turns 28 - so it is birthday party! I am going to PBC this weekend for their service, and there is another baptism there so that will be nice. i have gained a lot of support from people there, with Karl, Dave, Chris and Sarah, and when i get to see matt it is very good...

i have been trying to work on some stuff on the side too - when i get the time, and i am reading some very good books, one about St John of the Cross, and i am also doing my day by day advent readings. on saturday Carinna came over from Berlin, so Dave and i met up with her, and had a really good evening and a lot of fun. will be good to spend time with her and fabienne again in Geneva. I do have to say that Taize has shown a lot of opportunity to me, with making friends at other local churches, and international friends. I have a meeting with Fr B tomorrow about Taize next year, I definitely want to go for two weeks next year, so i can do some time in silence too!

wow, that was a lot to say. i am trying to think if we have watched any more of daves arty farty foreigh films...but i dont think we have - but we have watched one of mine - Pans labyrinth - a great film!

anyways, thats all for now folks...take care and God Bless
x

right, it has been a strange few weeks since I last wrote. Going down to Exeter was a blast from the past. I would just like to say thank you to Gordon Road who were as lovely as ever in putting me up, and looking after me - you are lovely people, and I thank God for friends like you. It was also great seeing Amy and Kate, and James and Ella, and my first meeting with baby Leona - who thanks to James and Ella I had a huge cuddle with, and wanted to take her home, but didnt think it would be fair! May Norris rest in peace. It was a sad occassion and a sad visit for many reasons, but hey, I now have some more answers to questions that I had, and worries that I had, but I have no realised, chapter closed, move on and rely on people who do actually respect me...and I have been offering a lot up to God.

I also have been doing a lot in my church and in Bromley Deanery. One thing I have been wanting to have is a re-dedication of my faith - as I now feel that I am actually having a better understanding of my faith that I did not have when i was confirmed. I put this idea to the Dean of Bromley who got very excited by it (as did Fr B), and so this may be happening. We had a parish forum where i talked about all my work with the senior youth group, and the bromley deanery. And I have been working my little bottom off for the youth sunday taize service, to which Petts Wood Churches together and Bromley Deanery have been invited! I really pray that this is a success, and that youth actually want to come to it! I have been to poverest baptist church to see my friend Karl get baptised which was just awesome...my first time seeing an adult baptism and it was special - i am glad that i went, and he is so happy to feel like a child of God again.

Karl and I went to watch the Lord Mayors show in London, and watch the lovely free fireworks on the thames, before going to meet dave after work. we then went to tha albert hall, and saw a lot of royalty and politicians (including the queen and prince philip) arrive for the remembrance service. we then tried out a few student bars, the spoons in leicester square, and then storm where dearest Susan was having her "I am in remission party" (Sue has suffered with throat cancer for the last 5 years, but had the brilliant news on remission recently). i danced a bit, but Dave was thrown out, and so Karl and i left early too - but still managed to miss the last train home (somehow dave got it, Karl obv had to get a burger), so Karl and i had to get the night bus home (something I had been saying all day i had not wanted to get...oh dear)...the next day was spent nursing a hangover, going to church and sitting at Chris and Sarah's house, playing with their cats, and me wanting to sleep, but karl and dave kicking, tickling, or putting cheese on my face to wake me up...

last weekend i had the house to myself which was nice....as dave was working last friday night, karl came over and we watched Amelie (dave, karl and i are going through a phase of watching foreign films), and the end of children in need, and then on saturday, i cooked dinner for them both, we had a boozy night, watched another film (l'homme de train) and then fell asleep in various rooms about my house. last night we watched Ronin - i was kindof tired so didnt really understand what was going on....but we had a laugh at the pretty boy!

Work has been going ok...i have been working very hard marking tenders that have come in, and dave has been working in our office as we needed a temp, and he needed work, so i rang the agency, and recommended him for us...it worked, and he worked, so it was good all round. this meant that i have also got to know Chris from PBC a lot better, and he is also v willing to help with youth ttuff which is amazing - i am blessed with good people around me at the moments

so all very busy, but i think now almost up to date

take care one and all

ok, so the last few weeks have been a bit tough. two deaths in one week - is not something i like. I just want to say something...Norris - the big man himself - what a tragic loss. I remember first being reallu scared of him - sat in Cowley Road eating out of his saucepan - but bug man big heart. My memories of Norris are him always helping people - when i stayed down in Exeter - i was offered porridge for breakfast - he was always willing to listen to me, and give me some advice....and after James and Ellas wedding - he deserved the title of nimble feet that I gave him - who knew the big man could dance so well...it is such a sad loss, and I really hope that we celebrate his life in the way that he wants us to. I am going to exeter this week for the funeral...am scared about going down - i really am. some people know why, but hey, Norris deserves to know just how much he was appreciated.

I have been doing a self purge of stuff that has been bothering me. I have made a very good friend who has just been awesome in helping me. so much so, that a five minute meeting to lend him some books from work for his interview turned into a 6 hour chat, that could have gone on for much longer, a big hug, and sharing of information from both sides that we found hard to do, but were glad that we could get it off our hearts. It was a special night, and it was what i was needed. He is getting baptised tomorrow, so I am making a trip to poverest baptist church for it. and, i am getting to know the poverest baptist lot well, and i am so happy that they have accepted me in their church, and have made friends with me, as it is good to get so many perspectives on things. it is good that we can just sit round each others houses and chat and laugh and just enjoy company, and i am so grateful that I have found these people who really appreciate me for the person that I am, and that they dont want to change me at all, and they just accept me...

the funeral on wednesday was very fitting. my great aunt would have been happy with it, and the hymns that we sang were just beautiful, the readings lovely. it was just fitting which was much needed.

work has been really good - we have an exciting new project going on, and i am getting involved in that, and they have been incredibly supportive of things.

and today i had a good pastoral counselling session with my parish priest - i was able to get some spiritual help to pull me through my rough patch at the moment, and i thank him for that. this is the first time since exeter that i have felt that i have been able to talk to a priest about my problems, and that was a huge relief.

well, the last few weeks can be described as busy, and ill. I have just finished a second round of anti-biotics and i am still feeling ill. apparently my ear and throat infection is not 'normal' and so i have had blood tests to see what is going on. work has been very good about it all - they have been giving me time off, allowing me to come in late when i need to, and just generally wanting me to get better and back to full productivity.

but i have also been really busy. the bromley deanery parish forum went really well - and a lot of positive ideas were encouraged. One World Service for Petts Wood churches together also went brilliantly - i could not have thought it would have been better - Praise the Lord...He did us proud. House of Faith were just amazing - so spiritual - they reduced me to tears. Fr B thanked me for all the hard work that I had put into it...the next thing we are planning is a taize night for youth sunday, and if no younger youth go, then it is also something for the older youth (ie me and my new gang)...this is going to hopefully be a petts wood churches together thing, and also local catholic churches - if they are not doing their own youth day service.

me wise - i am going through a low patch. i had a conversation with somebody on saturday night that brought up a lot of issues regarding relationships and trust, and the last person i spoke to so in depth with about such issues has kindof left me, or cut me out, i am having huge trust barriers and its making me extremely tearful, and leading to other actions and ramifications that are not all good. so some prayers would really be appreciated. i am going to do a self-purge (well try to) of all the crap that is in me, and all the things I would love to chnage about me, and so this may be hard.

and to end the post - someone in my family has just died - she had cancer (only diagnosed a week and a half ago, but it had already spread uncontrollably) so some prayers would be real good for that too.

ok, so things have not really gone to plan recently. Only one person came to youth group on sunday...we are having to have a major re-think about this. i was very upset...i always said that this was not going to be about numbers, but the opportunity for some faith development, but when you only get one person turn up, it does become very disheartening. We have a natural break at the moment due to one world stuff (that I have also found myself saying...."i will help you with the organisation Fr B"), and it gives us time to see how we take it forward...we may open it up to the rest of the deanery, and even eccumenically. daves church are providing me with a lot of spiritual support so i thank them greatly. dave has even offered up his services for help which is just such a blessing (and this was told to me when he was away on his break in Paris) - a friend indeed, and boy do i feel i need that right now. at the moment it is a case of Fr B saying jump, and i say How high! i have very little time for me, and i need to do some work on something as an exciting opportunity has come up for me, and i need to format stuff, and get an something into shape...very little to go on there, but it is something in its first stages. In fact I have just come back from Fr Bs with work to do for saturday Deaneries parish forum, which i somehow got myself organising, and firmly telling him he cannot ring me tomorrow as i am at breaking open the word, but i reckon the phone may go on friday!

am getting a bit upset with my church as i seem to be doing sooo much, and people are putting out rumours about the youth group which is why it is not well attended...they are using a Bible (at a church youth group - you wouldnt say...hell no, that cannot happen can it??!) but i have the support of Fr B, and he is telling me not to get disheartened. this weekend i am going back to daves church - which is also struggling, but for different reasons (a congregation of 25 cannot really keep a church going for long) as i really enjoyed it last time, and they have been very supportive of me, and so i am going to show my support to them.

but work is good - i have been given an extended contract for another year, been moved up a grade and given a change of name - assistant researcher and research administrator...oh exciting

um, am being given a lot of support by work colleagues, and new great friendships that have been developing recently, and these people are very special to me...and i thank them all so much, as i have really needed their supprt over the last few weeks....

right, bed time, and i have not done any of the reading that Fr B has asked me to do, as Claire has rung to talk about other church things...seriously, are we the only who cares in bromley? it sure feels like it!

well, my last post ended with me just about to do a 10k....that i did, even though so many people said i shouldnt...and why did they say that? the previous two days i had been sent home from work, and on the day i was told to only go in for the afternoon. i was very ill! i was coughing so much i could hardly breathe and it was pissing it down with rain...but i still did the run...it had got to the point where I had been sponsored too much not to do it...i did it in an hour, and i was in the last two...but the kudos i have for doing the run is amazing!
Work this week...well i didnt go in on monday or tuesday (was told not to, as on monday i was put on anti-biotics...ear and throat infection), i went in on wednesday and thursday (although there was talk of sending me home as i was coughing too much for works liking - even my old boss said so), and so on thursday evening, they told me not to come in on friday! i like my work!
It has meant that i was able to do a lot of youth group stuff, and bromley deanery stuff...and i went to dinner at daves the other day, and we had a big pray about many many issues, including both our parishes, his alpha group, my senior youth group (second meeting tomorrow), and mutual friends of ours going through some problems...it was mush needed and very good.
so i have my second youth group meeting tomorrow...it should be good...on thursday it is breaking open the word for people in my age group, and soon i really hope a 20-30 group will start - off my back, but i am keen... and soon the one world service is going to be had for Petts Wood together so that should be good too!
oh, so busy, but good too

well, its been a long time since i last wrote...
i have been to a wedding - it was real good
I had to take a day off work with mild food poisoning after a meal out after Breaking Open the Word
And Fabienne and Corinna from Taize came over, and so Dave and I were London tour guides for a few days, which was just an unbelievable amount of fun, but very tiring...saw so mnay things myself for the first time, and even had my first experience of the night bus..thanks to dave for waking me up at the right spot (well our stop, seeing as he lives five minutes down my road) it was great to see them both and spend so much time with them, and it makes Taize in Geneva this December so much more exciting, as we will be seeing them, and spending an extended time in Switzerland with Fabienne over new years.

i have also been ill...this week i have spent about 9 hours in the office - the rest of the time i booked a day off, and then the last two days i have been sent home from work...and i have been told not to come in until the afternoon tomorrow - i have a 10k run for charity tomorrow so that will be fun - hmm coughing and running - at least i have a good excuse for a crap time! i hate being ill, and am trying to deny the existence of this cold, but when not being able to stop coughing for 10 seconds, i kindof have to give in.

My church youth group started on sunday...we only had a few people come, but that was good enough for me...i have kindof borrowed the old faith, friendship and fun theme from Cathsoc to advertise it, as i am wanting it to be a chance for religious development for the youth, and for them to have the opportunity to question their faith. on tuesday 42 letters were sent out to personally invite the youth to the group - i hope that it works - prayers for this will be needed and much appreciated...it is going to happen every fortnight, and soon in church we have a one world vision night for the churches together in Petts Wood, and Bromley Deanery is having its Parish council forum shortly, which has taken up rather too much of my time in its planning!

so have been fairly busy...but the next most important thing is the 10k tomorrow...that will be a big achievement for me.

and also, am having a confusing time over something else, and i am really hoping that God is with me on this...well if i want to walk on water....eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk!

take care one and all
Zx

well, the last few days have been a bit of a discovery. I have been reading some Christian books to help me out of a little rutt that I am in...but it is much harder than i can imagine really...the books are very good though, and are really helping me with my prayer. this sunday i also went to Daves church (Poverest Baptist), and I really enjoyed it. It was good to have a change (i had gone to the saturday evening service at my church), but i realise that if there is a congregation of about 25, then when you do a harmony - no matter how quietly you sing it - it will be heard! but it was good, and i really enjoyed it, and they were all very welcoming! we then spent two hours putting up the alpha course sign..i hope it is still there

i also went to the pillinger wedding which was a lot of fun, i didnt really know anyone, so it was just a time to mingle and laugh...which is what i did. unfortunately sleep was disturbed by a snorer of ridiculous proportions! well he is paying for the room now!

um, so yeah, a few faith struggles still remain - apparently I just have to go in head first - all can say to that is eeeeeek right now!

i just want to say thank you for these two people for making the last month bearable for me...i feel like i have known you for much longer then i have had..here are some of our laughs!

this is on the ferry on the way back from taize - limited sleep for a week, and a 4am ferry, yet we still laughed till we wet ourselves and shared my throw for warmth...love you

and sleeping on daves shoulder for a lot of the journey home - twas quite comfy - even though they did mimick picking my nose!

oh, and i should also say thank you to the toilet cleaning crew - you were stars

hello
i am feeling a lot better now...i had a very emotional friday and saturday, but i am feeling better. saturday afternoon i had spent with babcia, we saw joseph and his technicolour dreamcoat, and we had fun beforehand, but she said some stuff that made me think, and when i got home, i thought, and thought, and yeah, it went downhill...damn thinking - its not good for me.
sunday, i went to church - much needed, had a chat with scripture after, popped to the shops, drove home, drove to my nans and drove home. my bro from madrid rang me for an age which was amazing - i love speaking to him, and so that was really good.
on monday, i picked up dave and susan and we voyaged to brommers, and we went wedding outfit shopping, as dave is off to a wedding, and so am i! i purchased a dress, and now i have two to choose from....we had a wonder and a chat, and i drove them back, arranging a time for the evening. i was in my element in the afternoon - making stuffed courgettes, cous cous salad, garlic bread and then angel delight cake for pud! dinner i should say went down a treat. dave and susan gave me empty plates in return...and we had good conversation and funness, and then drove them home, having a good God chat with Dave before letting him escape my car!
work today has been a bit of a chillsome day, but hey sometimes you get days like that!
three day week next week, and a haircut in my "lunch break"...very excited

so yeah, i still have many issues to overcome for me and God, but i now know i have some awesome support to help me
thanks guys
x

at the moment of writing this, i am in floods of tears. i have had such a hard week - work has been manic, and my emotions are going on over-drive, and at the moment i just feel so alone.
some people who are still close to me will probably know what is going on for me right now - others probably dont care. over the past year, i have had my ups and downs, but i have always tried to be the best friend i can to people - always, and just now, i feel used and it really hurts...it really does.
work provides a haven for me - somewhere i can just be professional for 9 hours, and then go home.
home becomes a stressful place
I am having God issues - i am trying to unmask, knock down barriers that i have had for almost ten years of my life, and this is so hard for me - actually now having to face what i have been putting off in my life - and it is scary and it hurts, and i am scared, and i dont know what to do.
i cant think anymore,
i guess in the future i just have to be more careful

i have had quite an emotional week this week - but hey ho - things go like that sometimes. It doesn't surprise me, as my promise to myself was to be more honest with myself and how i am feeling - so I am allowed to be down, and not cover it. It is helping...i need to get the nasty stuff out of my system. I need to get the people and the issues that are currently getting me down out of my way, so I can let the nice things in! new philosophy.

i had a lovely evening on thursday when i met a friend fo dinner - it was just what i needed - a good religion talk, and a good man problem talk. we are both having some troubles in some parts of our faith, and it is so helpful to have people to chat things through with...loved it.

have had a busy weekend, and it seems as if the dizzy/fainty spells are coming back again, as there have been a few times this weekend where I have had to stop what I have been doing to regain a bit of composure - was not liking that.
have also been doing some deanery duties today, so that should be coming along. this week is going to be a busy week, with the release of my report at work, and so we shall see how this one is taken - i cannot say too much -

have got new glasses (will be collecting them next week) - i have to wear them when using the computer...they have cost quite a bit but hopefully i will get my voucher from work to cover the vast majority of the bill - they already paid for the test - good old government! hopefully that should stop the headaches I have been getting...have to wear my old ones until nexy week though!
have a few people to be meeting with this week, keeping me very busy, some people i have not seen in a while, some i have seen recently - should be good stuff...

i am going to write a little bit more about taize - sorry if this bores people, but it has had a huge effect on me, and it is so important to me.
my taize day started at 7am...usually after a not a very much sleep as the tent was generally quite noisy. i made my way to the main site to wash, and then went to 7:30 am Catholic eucharist. that finished at 8, and then the main church was opened up for 8:15 morning prayer, that lasted until about 9. i then met up with the others, usually dave, matt and susan, and we queued up for breakfast...a bowl of hot chocolate, a bread roll and a stick of chocolate (sometimes 2 or 3 if you were lucky). after that it was chore time - cleaning the toilet block out by the church for me. then it was shower (after cleaning toilets it was needed). usually just chatted to randoms, dave, susan, and at 12:15 it was time for mid-day prayer. that went on to one, and then we queued for lunch. after lunch, we went to the lake/sat in the garden/did some quiet time...and at 3:15 we had a bible study/workshops/discussion groups - i went to the Luke workshops, and how it challenges us in our everyday lives. we then had taize tea at 5:15, and then had a break or optional workshops...i went to some on Christianity and Islam, Violence within us, we had a meeting with Brother Mark, and a meeting with the English groups with brother Paulo. tea was at 7pm, after which at 8:15 was evening prayer. after that we went to Oyak or did a prayer session, chatted, and did bible discussions. on thursday, Brother Aloisi did a reading of a letter to all the people in Taize. On friday there was a veneration of the cross - i wanted for ages to do this, and this was one of the most beautiful moments of my time out there. I felt such a release of emotion/pressures when i did this - it was a powerful moment of prayer and i feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to have done this. on saturday we had the candlelight service which was just beautiful, no words can describe this - it was just...(fill in appropriate word). usually, i would stay in the church for a while after evening prayer, i talked to some of the brothers of the community about some of my problems, some of the challenges that arose from the Bible discussions, and some of the emotions that were running through me. i would pray for a bit, and i spoke to the English Bishop about relationship problems, and things connected with that, and my greatest fears.

i met some amazing people - if i came out of the church crying, a random would come up and hug me. one day i went down to the lake, after having had a challenging bible group - i sat in one of the prayer shelters, and just cried...some people came up to me, hugged me, and said i could chat to them if i needed them....i became very close to two of the petts wood people, dave and susan - they began to read me very well. i was very open and honest with them, about my life, my faith and my worries. it was very rewarding and very open. i was able to cry when i wanted to, laugh when i wanted to, talk about my faith and not be shot down or questioned, sing songs, or worship songs, talk about loving God, and not get laughed at, but most of all I had the chance to develop my relationship with God which is something i most sincerely wanted to do.

Taize was such a small community, but the ability to find silence was amazing - i loved just being able to sit and have time to muself to read my Bible, and think a lot about what is going on in my life. and i did do a lot of thinking. i thought about the last few years - people who have made and broken me, friendships that i have developed, people i have met, what i have achieved, and what i want to do next - yes, some of these thoughts are still in my head, and some of the things that have happened in the last few weeks, have given me some answers. but now i have developed a relationship with God that is stronger then it has been for a while, I realise that some of these fears are passable, and even not really fears at all, and that to me was special.

i know that many people will not understand this, and i dont blame you, but this holiday was so special for me, for all the relationships that I made, the glimmer of hope that i received, and the little scratch that i began, that will soon get deeper so the real me can come out to more people, so they can get a greater understanding of me. i really have to thank everyone who went with me for the effect they had on me, and the friendship and the love and appreciation they showed me - what a blessed week it was.

i just have to say another thing about Taize - i have made some unbelievably close friends - and i have to say a huge thank you to both David and Susan who made my time out there so special, who looked after me, who cuddled me when i was crying, and who laughed with me when i laughed, and to david for giving me a shoulder and an arm to sleep on all the way back home. These two people have had a huge impact on my life in the last fortnight, and we contact each other everyday, and only go a few days without seeing each other. I pray that my relationship with these two can stay like this, as they have given me more support then they know.

Taize has a very special place in my heart, and I am very greatful for God, and the people there for that