well, as you read on saturday, i was feeling blue...well soon after that post, it got worse. i got so down, i basically made myself ill...not sick...well i was sick, but not like that. basically i had cried so much on saturday that i gave myself a huge migraine, my head felt like it was going to explode, and my eyes felt like they were being pushed out of my head. it was because of my migraine i was ill, it wasnt pretty...and well that was saturday evening - how i love bank-holiday weekends. yesterday, my mum for the first time in me having depression for about the past 7 years, said to me the word depression, and how worried she was about it all...that must have been a bit of a breakthrough for her i swear. and today, well i have no migraine, and i havent been crying...yet, but i am still not good.

i just feel let down by myself and other people. they probably dont even know who they are, but man...i have been so mucked around by so many people in my life, that i just cant stand it anymore. it hurts too much. people who know me, know that usually i put so much effort into everything, and that includes friendship, and on many times i just feel that i get slapped in the face. well i am not taking it anymore. if people want to treat my like shit, then they should not be surprised when it comes back at them. i cant be putting 100% into trying to maintain contact, and trying to be happy, and trying to do all i can to save things i once believed was worth saving anymore. i just dont physically have the mental strength to do it. its not fair, and its impossible.

i am not the strong, happy out-going person that everbody seems to think i am. gosh no. i am so weak, feeble, so unsure of myself, my looks, my personality, constantly critising every last little piece of me that you would not believe. i worry about me, i worry about those around me. i found my diary for nottingham last year...every paragraph was at the moment i am worried about people x, y and z. my friends meen everything to me, they kee me going more than people realise...so when something is up with them, i take it on personally aswell - i guess its lucky that i never did become a counsellor - i would not be able to get up for work in the morning would i?

anyways, that is it. i am a person who suffers from depression, and at the moment, things are not going exactly the way that i planned, but i know that i have to keep on going, and trying to resolve issues, and i am going to put 100% into making me better for a change.

at the moment i seem to have entered an incredibly down phase. i have spent most of today crying - even whilst shopping, and i just cant seem to pick myself up...there are a few things making me feel like this. work is the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment - as i always seem to be cheered up by the people around me, and i get appreciated for the work that i do, and the comments that i make. on thursday i had a hugely busy day at work - i had to run from court to work, and when i got in i bumped right into steve, and usually i would stop to chat, and i really wanted to, but i had 20 minutes to eat lunch and print out the documents that i needed for a meeting i was the minute maker at..me no time to talk - shows how busy i truly was. on firday i had to do steves dirty work, as he left the office early without contacting a member of my team...he rang in from the train..."zofia, ive been a fool", was very funny! have been really into my court work at the moment, and i am changing courts for the next month, so i will have to get to know the prosecutors all over again. i had to stand up in open court the other day and explain to the court what i was really doing there...eek! it was very nerve-racking! but i managed to blag my way into staying in court...thank goodness.

so, yeah, my work is really keeping me sane at the moment...the only thing that is actually doing that. home is making me go insane...am looking on flat share websites for places i can afford...but there are not that many. i want to stay aroundish this area as i am getting more involved in my church stuff, and i dont want to leave it in the lurch now i have got stuck in.

but, man, i really need a boost in the old happy hormone at the moment, as its not looking good at the moment. in fact, its the worse i have been in a bloody age, at a time when i thought that things were getting better for me as i had been feeling so much better. i have regressed about a year i reckon. have just done a 50 minute run as i think i have put on some weight, just as i had reached my target weight as well...so more exercising is going to have to happen to me to maintain that, and lose a little bit more as i still am not happy....but almost a stone lost now, so it is coming off slowly.

not much else to add. dixie chicks playing - good tune.

Wow - i never meant to leave it this long until i blogged...here we go!
the deanary meeting went really well from my perspective - i was the feedbacker from my group, so i managed to add a few of my things too! a few priests from around the area took my name so that i can get involved in things, and my priest asked my to do a write up for the parish news letter which i duly did, and even got a mention in church too! so that was all good!

work has been going..my work remit seems to have grown, but i dont mind...i have been having a laugh with people, and steve came up last week too, and we had a good chat, and he met my new boss! he was much liked by my office - not hard really as he is so easy to get on with! court is becoming very interesting...i have prosecutors throwing info at me, just wanting to get a lot of stuff off their chest, which is brilliant for my research. today 36 cases in less than three hours - how can that be providing justice? my question exactly? one more day at thames magistrates, then i start at camberwell - i feel like a dirty women cheating on my court...i have become quite attached to thames court 7!

my weekend was good, it was dans birthday so i met up with him, and his new teacher friends (i was the only one who didnt really know people), but it was really good. i was able to mingle and fit in well, his friends, and even him were lovely, and a good time was had by all! i had to leave earlier then the others to run for my last train home, so i missed dan getting thrown out - it doesnt surprise me as he had to drink everything we got him - it wasnt pretty!

and well...things are just going on, i am having a bit of fun, and a laugh, and just plodding on....now i have to go and get some stuff ready for work tomorrow!

quick summary of the weekend as my bed time is approaching fast - it was good.
saturday i tried to get my haorcut, but booked an appointment at the hair dressers instead for next week, and so just chilled at home, until gone fourish when i got ready to go to my bros for a joseph and eurovision night - a night of campness - bloody fantastic. eurovision - well uk sang ok actually, but i had pulled out serbia in the sweepstake so i was pretty chuffed with the result...i claimed greece on the night, and they came up good too! but andy won on the claims - he claimed russia! many gin and tonics, some guitar heroes, and maltesers later, tim and i made our way back to brixtom station for the last train home!

today has also been good. we had three baptisms at church this morning - i think that these were my first baptisms i had seen - and we had some damned good hymns too - so i had a very gppd church time today, and at the end i lit a candle for little madeleine - it is so sad, and i really really hope that she is found alive. made my way home - got a bit drenched in the rain, but hey ho...watched a film - the magdelene sisters - very very sad but a brilliant film, and then went to my nans...but she was very down and sad, so it didnt put my mum and i in the best of moods.

tonight i have packed a few clothes for birmingham, as tomorrow, i am one of two people representing my parish at the diocese meeting...at 24 i am glad that i am still seen to be the representative of the youth! brilliant!

anyways, had better finish my kiwi and make my way to bed...work is going to be very busy this week!

helloo dear blog!
well, this week court has been very interesting. some cases have not been nice at all, and actually made me shiver sometimes in my seat...thankfully, i do not sit in crown courts, as i would have heard the horrid details. as a result i have had some very interesting conversations with my team, and judging people and the society that we live in. thats why i love my work...we are quite open and open to discussion, and i feel appreciated which is even better. have been doing a lot of reading at the moment - train helps. at the moment i am reading the five people you meet in heaven, but a few times, i have had to stop for nearly crying...its a very moving book, it really is.
this next week is going to be busy too..two days in court...and trip to b'ham for the annual staff conference, and i am staying overnight the night before in a hotel with a double bed....little things! hopefully i will see ady too, which will be fab.
um, not much else to say. congrats to ben on getting a job...i am glad that one has finally come for you...good luck when you start.

wow - two posts in one week - what the hell is going on?
well, i have a bit of time before some family come round in an hour or so, so i decided to do some webbing, add some songs to my radioblog, and i thought that i would update my blog too.

today at church we had a reading about barnabasm, the name meaning son of encouragement, and we were asked to think about all those who have encouraged us in different positive things. and oh my word my list seemed to be never ending, and so i thought that i would mention a few...

first - jonathan - indeed, you were right when you said that i would get this job, and all the help that you gave me in nottingham last year - thanks!

all the rest of the nottingham boys - indeed the cloister boys kept me going, and allowed me (a girl) to hang out with them - brilliant!

ben - for a person that i have only met a few times in my life you too helped me through last year. i think that both of us know that things are not nearly the same anymore, and i do kindof miss that sometimes, but it is totally understandable i guess...but hey, you were a great support to me

james and mark - my third year in exeter would not have been so fun if it wasnt for you two just making me laugh so much and being there for me for a shoulder to cry on, and save me from my manic revision schedule, and introduce me to the wonders of monkeyball!

ellie and the occ psych girls - ellie - the first english person i spoke to in nottingham - hehehehehe! thanks you for last year, swapping notes, and drinking gin, and wine soc, and stuff.

han - like ben - wow we have only met each other a few times, but the amount of laughter i do when you are around is just silly - almost wetting myself laughter - the best type. you are a special lady, and in subtle ways you encourage me in so many ways...you naughty bunny you.

lesotho team - wow the amount of encouragement i get from you guys is amazing...when i need as prayer - i know exactly who to turn to....with my unobtainable crush - you get me, and laugh it through with me, and understand what i mean...lesotho 2005 - with us forever dudes.

katy - cathsoc katy...grassu slope, biscuits, pub career sessions, avoiding goose poo - what a star.

tess, rachel, and maltese rachel - such special ladies...you guys also made my third year at exeter - how much of a good time did i have...so much fun, and you guys were such a big part.

amy and ali - the girls i lived with for so much time at uni...brilliant lovelies...love you.

fr paul...had to be there...greatest landlord fo all time!

so as you can see loads of people have given me encouragement, and this is without family, and people at work who have given me a huge boost recently....

so i have done a lot of thinking indeed...
tomorrow, museums and art galleries i think it is!
xxx

well, in this last week work has become quite hectic...i have been observing court quite a lot, and having to take notes. I am now recognised by some of the Crown Prosecutors and court clerks, who say what they think are passing comments, but are in fact very interesting and informative. but a lot of what i see a) makes me quite scared about some of the people in society and b) makes me scared about the criminal justice system and some of the workings of the court. But having said that it is very interesting. Vicky is away on fieldwork at the moment, and when she comes back we are going to start going through all our notes, and picking out themes...qualitative analysis - oh yeah! I am still making lots of report summaries to put around the commission, and maybe to the public on the website, and am doing a briefing for the commissioners of our latest work too. Ash has gone on leave so i proof read his article for him, and sent the changes for big nigel to go over...

other things...soon our diocese is doing its final towards a vision session, where five people from every catholic church go to one church for a meeting. at church last week, fr bryan told me that i was one of the chosen ones from our church! wohoo...another time to get my voice heard about how to get youth back...

in other things...well having not had my a-ds for a few days, and then going back on them again, my body has been a bit mucked up, and doesnt really know if it is coming or going. this has stressed me out a bit, it has made sleeping not very good, and has also made me a bit emotional. jonathan has been getting the train home with me which has been good, as it means i can talk things over with him....and monday lunch was a really nice time, as adrian was around, and so after giving him details as to how to get to the office, jonathan and i met him and chatted in the park for an hour for our break which was fantastic! it was so good to see him again, it had been 7 months since the last time! wohoo! that cheered me up a lot, its so good to see a good friend after a long time. anyways, am doing my best to do things to cheer myself up....dares in the office had me laughing till i nearly wet myself. i now know that i cannot eat a fairy cake from between my elbows!

in the last few years i did a running count down to my birthday, but this year I am too old to do stuff like this, so i have just let it pass this year. but i did do something different, and that was to go to madrid to visit my brother and my sister in law. I left work half an hour early on thursday, got to gatwick, and found that my phone had broken...great way to start the holiday! i arrived in madrid to be welcomed by both of them. i basically had a great weekend. i managed to spend a lot of time with my brother and talk so much through with him. i had so much that i wanted to talk to him about, so many many things. it gave me time to think about what has happened to me in the last few months, and he was able to give me a lot of wise words, and i realised just how much i missed him not being in the same country as me. i was spoilt so much by them, rounded off on my actual birthday with a three course meal cooked by davina. i flew back home yesterday evening, and got home at 11, way past my bedtime!

today was back at work which was good, i had a laugh, and then did some more fieldwork at court. i had so many emails to sort through it was silly, but i managed to do it all which was good, and now i am concentrating on the paper i am helping to co-write. I always wanted to get some work published in a journal, and if this goes well, then it looks like it might.

the only bad thing about the weekend, was that i forgot to take my medication, and towards the end i started to feel ill, proper withdrawal symptoms as it is almost like cold turkey. i am back on them now, as over the weekend, unfortunately, i realised that however much i tried and try, i realised that i need them.

this week has been a very strange week as it has only been four days at work - next week will be three and a half what with me going out to Madrid for my birthday weekend. i love my work...this week i have done my perosonel development plan and chatted through it with alexy, and i have some very interesting things coming up. we have gone out for team drinks which was lovely, and yeah, i have been knuckling down, and having a much needed laugh with some members regarding some of my nick-names....and at the pub after a few glasses, they made me say out loud in front of my boss how i had been dared to end some of my emails...luckily the funny side was seen by all those around me!

other things have been getting on my nerves a lot this week, but i am just trying to forget about such things, and say sod them if it happens again, as at the end of the day it just isnt worth it. i am not 100% with how things are going in my life at the moment, but i dont have to be laughed at by others.

and just to say, am soooo glad peep show is back on channel 4....it makes staying in on friday worthwhile....many laughs came from me - hurrah

what a strange easter weekend i have had. It started on thursday, after work i got home, rushed down some tea, then headed to church as i had to be there early as Fr Bryan had asked me if i could be one of the people having my feet washed in the service, so I was basically a server for the service. it was a lovely service though. i then waited up to see peter and davina, and went to bed feeling normal. however, on friday morning, i was anything but normal, and infact i have bee descrived as limp, weak, feeble, and very yellow looking, and had an ambulance called for me and everything. 5 hours of being on a drip, and having various medicines injected into me at hospital, and having to drink re-hydration solution, and waiting for my very low blood pressure to increase, and racing pulse to decrease, i was released from hospital armed with some tablets, and spent the rest of friday passed out with a temperature on the sofa at home! saturday morning, i was still not great but a lot better then friday morning, but ihad to go to confession and get a few bits and bobs for my bros and davina for easter. by the evening, i had some of my strength back, and we went to the easter vigil.

easter sunday, i was feeling much better again, and now able to keep food and water down - hurrah! helpful, as Polish easters are very plentiful food wise! we had a lot of family round, and a lot of fun was had....

the result of all this is, I have finally reached my target weight that I have been wanting to be for about two and a half years! i have lost almost a stone since leaving nottingham now - feeling better for it, but some of what i have lost on the past few days, are easily going to be put back on again, especially as i can eat chocolate again...but i havent really done so due to awful stomach bug!

so this will be one interesting story to tell work tomorrow! i have a brusied hand from where my drip was, but i am feeling much better now...it would have been very interesting to have seen myself with a yellow face....but i am reliably informed that it wasnt really very pleasant!

i hope everyone else has had a very lovely easter - the weather has been lovely! and i am glad that it is a four day week at work this week - as i will be having my "talks" with my bosses about what new projects I can get involved with.

Take care everyone
xx

work the last few days has been a bit crazy...not busy, totally the opposite. i have had nothing to do. my boss has been ill, and so I have not been able to help her in her research, and as we have just published three documents, and its coming up to easter, its all been on a bit of a go slow. i have been doing some background reading of old reports that we have published, and also i was that bored i started tidying the office. also completed some lame dares set by some team members, and now i am 1 1/2 points ahead on the point bored, owed some glasses of wine, and won fifty pence. "hang loose, my career rock already, rock on, laters, and peace out to the max" i would like to say now are not appropriate signing off's for emails I do recognise, but to when dared to do some things (quite lame really) i am well up for it...and the person i was emailing to seemed to like it, as i had some just as bad responses!

a four day week, this week is going quickly, and next week is a four day week too - should be good. and hopefully, by then i may have something to do

on the by, i have a monthly check up tomorrow...am not looking forward to it much. it has been a bit of an up and down month, not that people would notice as i am hiding things better than ever before - i consider it a talent of mine, not one of which i am proud, but a talent nevertheless. i am making a joke of one thing in particular, when it really is bothering me a lot, and i could really kick myself sometimes.

but hey, at least work is good

there must be something in the exeter water...maybe i should move down there! i dont know...are they putting love in the water....?
well congratulations mark and monica, i am sure that you are exceptionally happy and i wish you all the luck and love in the world.

me wise...yup you guessed it still very much single...hey...whats new

long time, no blog

here we go...weekend went far too quickly, and i was more tired after the weekend then before...if people have facebook and have seen my photos then they will understand why. but dave and andy thankyou for lending us your house to kindof destroy....i had a lot of fun...but your sofa isnt the most comfortable to fall asleep on!

on monday i was a victim of crime - i had my mp3 taken - great!

tuesday i had a church forum meeting - i am really hoping to get a 18-25 thing going, and its looking positive with a trip to taize...another meeting about that on sunday! alexy was on the radio today discussing our research which was a lot of fun

wednesday - met up with jonathan and ellie after work...only had two glasses of wine, but i felt quite tipsy...was a good day at work for some reasons, that some know about. 'nuff said

today - i learnt nigel's way of doing graphs...my introduction to excel with nigel - it was good, we had a laugh, and yeah, i liked it. this evening alexy said that i could have a lazy day at work tomorrow as i have worked so hard in the last two weeks! need to sleep.

also found these that i think that i will end on:

"fear is a useful tool for self-protection"

"Exasperatingly, we're all pretty much restricted to learning what people are like with the permanent confound of our own presence, which is why those chance glimpses of someone you love just walking down the street can seem so precious"

its been a busy busy busy week at work this week! Have been minuting in meetings, helping to write press releases, sorting out our publications, doing some research....and also going on my first training day (bad time to have a 24hour stomach bug, but timely breaks helped). So, i am now very well introduced into project management thanks to the national school of government. if you go to www.lsrc.org.uk/publications then you will see our two new publications that went out today - wohoo! and also on the lsc website our links and mini summaries that alexy and i were finishing off at 5:30 should be there! wohoo!

had my nearly two month review today - alexy is exceptionally happy with my work ability and the work that I have produced, and likes the working attitude that i have, so it was pretty positive. on tuesday i met the research administrator/assistant before me, and she was lovely, so i have met me predecessor and my pre-predecessor...all good. ash, alexy and i had a weird conversation about what women women fancy, and what men men fancy....i love my work.

this weekend should be fun..shopping tomorrows, then after church i am going to jons, and then to andys for his not a housewarming party. on sunday there is a penitential service in the afternoon which i am going to...and this week there are some parish forums, and a meeting about taize next weekend which fr bryan has already told me he wants to see me there...would have gone anyways...would give an arm and a leg to go to taize.

me wise - its a bit up and down. my parents are telling me that i am not eating enough, although i am eating until i am full...havnt done as much running this week as i would have liked, so i hope i havnt put any weight on. will do a longer run tomorrow and sunday. am going to have to train a bit harder as work are determined to get me to do a 10k, and half marathon, which i am up for doing, but need to train as nigel and ash are quite good runners. but mood wise is still very unpredictable, i still have many issues that need to be sorted, so its going to take a long time. who knows....

anyways, relaxing and trashy tv watching to do

please please please can you donate to comic relief....i was eating my tea and felt so uncomfortable for not donating, i had to stop phone and donate. i am tearful when watching it as i just remember my own little children i looked after and cuddled in lesotho. Such a small amount can save a life - it really can....so please

well...

first and foremost, i want to give my upmost congratulations to ella and james - absolutely fantastic news....a little preece - how exciting! and ella, with gas and air, smiling throughout! amazing!

feeling kindof broody - first things first...a boyfriend!


and now...well yesterday i had a headache, twas bad indeed... it started at work, and continued and continued... i fell on the sofa as soon as i got in, and after tea it was even worse...lame little me i went to bed at 9:15! a brilliant nights sleep (something that i have not had in a long time), and when my alarm went off at 6 this morning, i was well up for my run...and so run i did! work was good today...various projects going, and then i get another paper to read...and start to proof read. its all very exciting...

and finally...am planning my trip to madrid to see my brother soon...maybe even the weekend of my birthday.

well, my babcia is back in hospital, she went in on thursday. it appears that she has had some kind of chest or lung infection, and was in an absolutely dreadful way. i went to see her today - she looked better. i tried to make her laugh, but that was a bit sore for her. it was good to see her though, i really hate it when she is very poorly...i really hate it. i have been feeling a bit eeeked by it

i was so tired at work on friday - it didnt help that i was staring at a lot of spss output, and trying to work out what is going on with what seems like very random data..but hey. i didnt get much done, so i even brought it home to look at over the weekend. i havent done that yet, but there is always tomorrow. i am enjoying it though. i still feel very intimidated by the absolute cleverness of some of the people in my office, but that is always the way it will be, as there are always going to be cleverer people out there than me.

and finally....me wise. well, it is still all very up and down i am afraid. i have a lot on my mind at the moment...there is a lot going on in some ways, and not so much in other ways. i know that i am holding back from a lot of things, and there are many other things that i am not admitting to myself though. it seems strange that a lot of people that i know are moving on in leaps and bounds in their lives...ben getting married and james and ella becoming parents some time this week (hopefully), and i just feel like i am standing still, and in some ways even moving backwards. i hate that feeling.

comic relief is showing films of africa and projects that are going on. i sit and think of baby jozefa ( i say baby, but he will be about 6 years old now), and just how wonderful, and beautiful that he is, and it makes me so teary. maybe one day i will get a job where i can be sent out to africa and help HIV affected children. maybe

hmmm
thats just how i am feeling at the moment....its not that i am feeling terribly down, but i am not feeling terribly happy either...you know, i think the doctors the other day entered a space i dont like. i also got an email today from somebody that has made me a little worried about a few things, and them, but i am sure that it will all be ok...i just sent a little message back as i didnt know what i could say in reply.

workwise....the memory paper that i started has changed somewhat as tania and i want to make it less dry and more involved in policy implications...so i have to so a new literatur search...i am currently doing a literature search for marisol about rational decision making and justiciable events, and i am yet to start some consumer journals for work that nigel wants me to do...at least its all very interested...but i am also very excited about court observation work that i will also be doing for vicky - its all very varied but good.

taize last night was just absolutely brilliant - something so simple is just do effective and emotional and - oh just fabulous....i loved it...it made my mum and i quite teary. i was at the front so i could see fr bryan lead me into my cantor line...and this was after in the mass i had already given my two minutes worth of views....go me! i am going to big myself up one minute, when people came over to me, and then to my mum to say that i should sing more solo, and that i had a lovely voice...it did make me smile inside a wee bit... love to sing. really hope taize does happen in the summer - am very excited.

its quite sad that i am happy about this, but i have completed my first month of employment - wohoo...and i have enjoyed it.
this week has been a bit hectic, what with babcia being in hospital, going to a vision meeting about my church parish and being made a group leader at the last moment, meeting an old research assistant from the lsrc with ash, and then tonight going out with some people from work and jonathan.

i had a doctors this week - it was a bit strange. we had a chat about my depression, and what could be done to help me with it. but then conversation changed to some other things that have been bothering me for a long long time and this was termed as an obsessional neurosis...a phrase that i dont like, and has been bothering me a little bit...

this weekend i have got a taize service where my priest has asked me to cantor a bit during venne sanctus spiritus...its an ecumenical petts wood parish taize service, but what is exciting is that i may have the chance to go to taize this year. also on sunday i have been given a little slot to talk about what happened on tuesday night and to get people to come to the next meeting...who says the youth of today dont get involved....

just a quick update as i am off out in a few mins after i have had my soup for my tea...

babcia had had her op - she is now in the high dependency ward at the hospital...very weak obviously. i havnt seen her as you can only go in there for 8 mins at a time...

work is good, went to a seminar at the DCA yesterday - i thought it wasnt very good - ash agreed. when work is fun...work gets done...oh yeah