there must be something in the exeter water...maybe i should move down there! i dont know...are they putting love in the water....?
well congratulations mark and monica, i am sure that you are exceptionally happy and i wish you all the luck and love in the world.

me wise...yup you guessed it still very much single...hey...whats new

long time, no blog

here we go...weekend went far too quickly, and i was more tired after the weekend then before...if people have facebook and have seen my photos then they will understand why. but dave and andy thankyou for lending us your house to kindof destroy....i had a lot of fun...but your sofa isnt the most comfortable to fall asleep on!

on monday i was a victim of crime - i had my mp3 taken - great!

tuesday i had a church forum meeting - i am really hoping to get a 18-25 thing going, and its looking positive with a trip to taize...another meeting about that on sunday! alexy was on the radio today discussing our research which was a lot of fun

wednesday - met up with jonathan and ellie after work...only had two glasses of wine, but i felt quite tipsy...was a good day at work for some reasons, that some know about. 'nuff said

today - i learnt nigel's way of doing graphs...my introduction to excel with nigel - it was good, we had a laugh, and yeah, i liked it. this evening alexy said that i could have a lazy day at work tomorrow as i have worked so hard in the last two weeks! need to sleep.

also found these that i think that i will end on:

"fear is a useful tool for self-protection"

"Exasperatingly, we're all pretty much restricted to learning what people are like with the permanent confound of our own presence, which is why those chance glimpses of someone you love just walking down the street can seem so precious"

its been a busy busy busy week at work this week! Have been minuting in meetings, helping to write press releases, sorting out our publications, doing some research....and also going on my first training day (bad time to have a 24hour stomach bug, but timely breaks helped). So, i am now very well introduced into project management thanks to the national school of government. if you go to www.lsrc.org.uk/publications then you will see our two new publications that went out today - wohoo! and also on the lsc website our links and mini summaries that alexy and i were finishing off at 5:30 should be there! wohoo!

had my nearly two month review today - alexy is exceptionally happy with my work ability and the work that I have produced, and likes the working attitude that i have, so it was pretty positive. on tuesday i met the research administrator/assistant before me, and she was lovely, so i have met me predecessor and my pre-predecessor...all good. ash, alexy and i had a weird conversation about what women women fancy, and what men men fancy....i love my work.

this weekend should be fun..shopping tomorrows, then after church i am going to jons, and then to andys for his not a housewarming party. on sunday there is a penitential service in the afternoon which i am going to...and this week there are some parish forums, and a meeting about taize next weekend which fr bryan has already told me he wants to see me there...would have gone anyways...would give an arm and a leg to go to taize.

me wise - its a bit up and down. my parents are telling me that i am not eating enough, although i am eating until i am full...havnt done as much running this week as i would have liked, so i hope i havnt put any weight on. will do a longer run tomorrow and sunday. am going to have to train a bit harder as work are determined to get me to do a 10k, and half marathon, which i am up for doing, but need to train as nigel and ash are quite good runners. but mood wise is still very unpredictable, i still have many issues that need to be sorted, so its going to take a long time. who knows....

anyways, relaxing and trashy tv watching to do

please please please can you donate to comic relief....i was eating my tea and felt so uncomfortable for not donating, i had to stop phone and donate. i am tearful when watching it as i just remember my own little children i looked after and cuddled in lesotho. Such a small amount can save a life - it really can....so please

well...

first and foremost, i want to give my upmost congratulations to ella and james - absolutely fantastic news....a little preece - how exciting! and ella, with gas and air, smiling throughout! amazing!

feeling kindof broody - first things first...a boyfriend!


and now...well yesterday i had a headache, twas bad indeed... it started at work, and continued and continued... i fell on the sofa as soon as i got in, and after tea it was even worse...lame little me i went to bed at 9:15! a brilliant nights sleep (something that i have not had in a long time), and when my alarm went off at 6 this morning, i was well up for my run...and so run i did! work was good today...various projects going, and then i get another paper to read...and start to proof read. its all very exciting...

and finally...am planning my trip to madrid to see my brother soon...maybe even the weekend of my birthday.

well, my babcia is back in hospital, she went in on thursday. it appears that she has had some kind of chest or lung infection, and was in an absolutely dreadful way. i went to see her today - she looked better. i tried to make her laugh, but that was a bit sore for her. it was good to see her though, i really hate it when she is very poorly...i really hate it. i have been feeling a bit eeeked by it

i was so tired at work on friday - it didnt help that i was staring at a lot of spss output, and trying to work out what is going on with what seems like very random data..but hey. i didnt get much done, so i even brought it home to look at over the weekend. i havent done that yet, but there is always tomorrow. i am enjoying it though. i still feel very intimidated by the absolute cleverness of some of the people in my office, but that is always the way it will be, as there are always going to be cleverer people out there than me.

and finally....me wise. well, it is still all very up and down i am afraid. i have a lot on my mind at the moment...there is a lot going on in some ways, and not so much in other ways. i know that i am holding back from a lot of things, and there are many other things that i am not admitting to myself though. it seems strange that a lot of people that i know are moving on in leaps and bounds in their lives...ben getting married and james and ella becoming parents some time this week (hopefully), and i just feel like i am standing still, and in some ways even moving backwards. i hate that feeling.

comic relief is showing films of africa and projects that are going on. i sit and think of baby jozefa ( i say baby, but he will be about 6 years old now), and just how wonderful, and beautiful that he is, and it makes me so teary. maybe one day i will get a job where i can be sent out to africa and help HIV affected children. maybe

hmmm
thats just how i am feeling at the moment....its not that i am feeling terribly down, but i am not feeling terribly happy either...you know, i think the doctors the other day entered a space i dont like. i also got an email today from somebody that has made me a little worried about a few things, and them, but i am sure that it will all be ok...i just sent a little message back as i didnt know what i could say in reply.

workwise....the memory paper that i started has changed somewhat as tania and i want to make it less dry and more involved in policy implications...so i have to so a new literatur search...i am currently doing a literature search for marisol about rational decision making and justiciable events, and i am yet to start some consumer journals for work that nigel wants me to do...at least its all very interested...but i am also very excited about court observation work that i will also be doing for vicky - its all very varied but good.

taize last night was just absolutely brilliant - something so simple is just do effective and emotional and - oh just fabulous....i loved it...it made my mum and i quite teary. i was at the front so i could see fr bryan lead me into my cantor line...and this was after in the mass i had already given my two minutes worth of views....go me! i am going to big myself up one minute, when people came over to me, and then to my mum to say that i should sing more solo, and that i had a lovely voice...it did make me smile inside a wee bit... love to sing. really hope taize does happen in the summer - am very excited.

its quite sad that i am happy about this, but i have completed my first month of employment - wohoo...and i have enjoyed it.
this week has been a bit hectic, what with babcia being in hospital, going to a vision meeting about my church parish and being made a group leader at the last moment, meeting an old research assistant from the lsrc with ash, and then tonight going out with some people from work and jonathan.

i had a doctors this week - it was a bit strange. we had a chat about my depression, and what could be done to help me with it. but then conversation changed to some other things that have been bothering me for a long long time and this was termed as an obsessional neurosis...a phrase that i dont like, and has been bothering me a little bit...

this weekend i have got a taize service where my priest has asked me to cantor a bit during venne sanctus spiritus...its an ecumenical petts wood parish taize service, but what is exciting is that i may have the chance to go to taize this year. also on sunday i have been given a little slot to talk about what happened on tuesday night and to get people to come to the next meeting...who says the youth of today dont get involved....

just a quick update as i am off out in a few mins after i have had my soup for my tea...

babcia had had her op - she is now in the high dependency ward at the hospital...very weak obviously. i havnt seen her as you can only go in there for 8 mins at a time...

work is good, went to a seminar at the DCA yesterday - i thought it wasnt very good - ash agreed. when work is fun...work gets done...oh yeah

hey people

for those of you who read my blog, and really do believe in the power of prayer, please can you pray for my nan - her quadruple by-pass is planned for monday - it was that urgent. obviously i am very scared and worried as everyone knows just how much my nan means to me. unfortunately this is making me very snappy and not very nice to be around...

so prayers for my nan most wanted, and i thank you all for your help

xxx

this is my 500th post...but not good news.
my gran has to have an emergency quadruple by-pass - not good. she has been put on the emergency waiting list...we have to wait a few days before we find out the date.
we are all quite anxious
its not nice

but, am doing a taize night at my church..i went to the choir re-hearsal, was the only one under 40! but it was good...love taize and for once didnt cry
x

well hello
something that i have not done for a while i see. january wasnt a good month for me (lots of job-rejections, a lot of zosia hating from myself, a lot of crying, the doctor saying that i was very stressed and very concerned), but february is looking up a bit. I have been working for two weeks now, and settling in ok... have done lots of proof reading fo articles that are to be published by my department, and am hopefully going to be helping to write one about memory (first and second year cognitive psychology needed, and a lot of help with the stats from tania and nigel), and all in all am enjoying it...have time to see my old friends in cds and meet up with jonathan sometimes soon, and my about me is now on the website (www.lsrc.org.uk).

well wednesday...yep it was valentines day...a day that was described to me by somebody the day before on the phone as "social graveyard day", and then went on to say to me "i was counting on you not be going out with anyone!"....well i was very sorry to be letting them down....because indeed i was meeting up with someone...an ex! yep...i met up with dan...it was supposed to be for a quick drink...but it ended up as a five hour chat...dont know what we talked about for so long, but i was doing a lot of laughing, and being shot down for my attempt at a scottish accent...i tried my hardest...but before people tell me that i am being dangerous and silly...nothing happened, just a hug and a kiss on the cheek at the station when we departed...it was a good end to a lovely and enjoyable night! for having had less then 6 hours of sleep that night, you can bet that match sticks were needed at work the next day to keep my eyes open

obviously, i still have loads to go...that goes without saying. i am not stable at the moment - i have so many ups and downs (more downs then up), i had to beg my doctor not to up my dose of ad-s, and on my bed side table my nasty habit apparatus lies. i still get paranoid about lots of things, and i still feel insecure about a lot of things...having not run so much this week i thought i would have out on weight...but i hadnt...i had lost a bit more...so i am getting closer to my target weight, but still dont like the way i look...so hey...lots to work on, but i am trying.

one last little thing..my babcia goes into hospital on monday for an angiogram...prayers for her would be amazing as we are all a bit worried as to what the results of this will be.

take care everyone
xxx

well, week one has been completed. it has been good - they have been quite slow in giving me stuff, as they a keen on having me settle in well. I have been reading old reports that have been published by the department, and project evaluations that I will be working on the next stage on, and yesterday Tania who works in the centre with me asked me to help he co-author a project on memory decay and how this can have an effect on the law. So we shall see. On monday I am going to be alone in the office for some of the day...we are a team on 8...two people are on annual leave, my manager is working from home, one of the senior staff works part-time in Brighton for four days of the week....Tan will probably come in some time during the day - she is cool, and so we might have a chat about the paper we are working on. Yesterday I went back down to CDS to have a nice long chat with some of my old friends from CDS and was laughing a lot...I dont really want to be seen as disruptive! In this next week I should be getting my swipe card - i do have one at the moment, but it doesnt work - luckily Tony the security guard knows me by now to let me in! I have been told by Alexy my line manager I am to order myself a To Do list book, and as I said to Claire, everyone knows that to do lists have to be colour coded, so i am going to get coloured pens too! we were the colouring in twosome in CDS! I have written my about me for the LSRC website, and so hopefully that will be put up soon! hehehehe! Ash is away this week - he has been my font of all knowledge this week...he is away this week - lets see how i cope.

topics of conversation in the office this week: smear tests, venus fly traps, the brain, bob dylan, films, indo-european languages, cbe's, mbe's, obe's, sesame snaps, fitness, phil collins, yoghurts and snowfall

this is how random my office is - i think i will fit in quite well.

so...all in all, am back at the LSC, be it their independent research centre, and its nice. am back with my old friends, meeting a lot of new people and old friends.

first day at work today....did nothing! seriously - read my handover notes, looked at the website (both lsc and lsrc) but already knew them...read the lsrc leaflet (very much like the website), half read the book they have just published....and then they remembered i did some psychology...so read some of the psych journals that they had written...chatted, laughed, joked...even at one point found myself saying out loud "can i do anything to help anyone"...and when i left, finding that my induction wasnt till tomorrow afternoon i said that i will be willing to do all that i could tomorrow morning to help people..i feel that may be needed, as i saw my old boss on the way out and he said he was going to be sending up a lot of work for us! great...doubt that i will be involved in a lot of it..but hey!
team seem very nice - its very small, and they are hardly ever all in which will be quiet, but means that i can pop to see old friends!
not much else to say...back to early nights and early mornings as i like to do my running before work...oh an i wore my sexy new boots today, but they were not as sexy as they could have been as they were very much hidden by my trousers...but they were very comfy
xx

well, its february already - cant believe january has gone so quickly - its does scare me when time flies by like this...i start work tomorrow, am quite scared cos its a new department, but they cant be too harsh on me on my first day...well i hope anyways...we shall see. i will be close to my old department anyways so always have them to comfort me....

todays sermon at church really struck me today, as well as singing one of my most favouritist hymns ever, i nearly shed a tear, but managed to control myself - phew! but it was a real good sermon...i do like the new priest..he is doing a good job.

yesterday arvo i popped over chez jonathan for a chat, and help him do some errands, and we then went to the cinema to see this spannish film which if i was that young girl i would have been crapping my pants always...but the comedy moment, didnt come from the film, it came for the indivudual evidently very desperate for the loo, and fell quite dramatically up the stairs...keeping my laughter sustained was quite hard especially as the people sat next to me were wetting their pants. we then wondered around london which was really nice...up the mall to chez queenie, a bit of covent garden and leicester square, and then back to victoria for home....

so work starts now, will finally earn a bit of money, and i am looking at what to apply to next, as i need to get that sorted quite soon.

xxx

hello again

i feel a mini update is needed...

well, I have accepted my job at the legal services research centre, so that is something to be positive about, and i am also looking for what i can do afterwards as the nine months will go really quickly. have told my old friends in children and family and i cds, and they are all very excited which is really nice, and the good thing is I am in the same building as them all. i really missed them, especially those at cds as they really looked after me.... but i am a bit nervous about starting, but i am sure that it will be fine. I have spoken to a few people in my department now, and they sound friendly...i just hope that they are nice to me, and dont see me as the second choice person...we shall see.

ben - i have been listening to the cds that you made me last year - and they are really good - so i thank you greatly for them...they are now on my music machine so that i can listen to music on the way to work. talking about music..i got the first scissor sisters album for a pound today, and the jose gonzalez album for a pound too - the wonders of charity shops...

having a few thoughts buzzing around my head at the moment...but i am getting there
xxx

well, everything has taken an interesting twist in the last few days...it all started on thursday - i had been pretty miserable during the day...when you have no heating and its literally freezing outside then you find yourself very cold, even when wearing a stupid number of jumpers. the engineer couldnt fix the boiler, someone more senior has to come in...my mum and i then went to my nans so that we could be warm...we got back quite late...it was coming up to 7 when i got a call from an unknown number on my mobile...it turned out it was the people who rejected me from a job last week now offerin me the job if i wanted it. i didnt except straight away i had so mnay thoughts going around my head.

i emailed steve and claire from my old department to see what they thought, and i had a conversation with jon (thanks, i really needed that and to have something sensible said), and my parents. the result is, on monday i will formally accept the job. its a 9 month contract job at the legal services research centre (same org as i temped at before, but the independent research section), and it assistant and admin.

i am going to take the job, but at the same time look for graduate schemes, as they start later in the year, and apply to them as i will then have something more long term to look for. so, that is the plan...formally accept on monday, as they want me to start asap...but grad schemes will be applied to also. so that is what is happening in the world of me. a few things helped me make this decision...claire helped, jon helped, i know the organisation pretty well, and already have friends there, i will be working a floor above my old department, so very close to the people who i really liked, i will see jon lots as he works just round the corner, i am going to earn more then i would just doing stupid temping and gain more experience, and its not going to tie me down forever and i can continue to look for other things...so there are quite a few positive things about the placement.

so its a bit more cheery, and a bit better news for me now. my mobile bill is going to be a bit big this month, but never mind...i have a secure placement for nine months in a place where i know, where hopefully my work will be varied, and i will make new friends, and get to see my old friends...am very excited at seeing claire again...and obv steve!!! (Hehehehehe). but yeah, i know its not permanent, but it can be a stepping stone to something permanent, or i can do a grad scheme after...so prayers that this will go ok will be very lovely, and prayers that i can get onto a grad scheme after will also be very lovely as that will be very handy.

now all we need is the heating to be fixed....

peter and davina went back home today. it was so good seeing my brother again - he is one family member that i can cry on, and he doesnt mind. i did that a few times these last few days, just because i am so fed up employment wise. he understands and sees how mucb it has upset me, and i am going to miss him again now, but its not so long to easter when he will next be coming home again.

i went to the doctors yesterday - she was really nice. i told her all my sleeping/eating troubles/stress/headaches/crying fits that i have been having recently. she just sat and listened until i had got it all out of my system - it was much needed. i am still on my meds, i didnt want my dose to be increased, it would just mean longer to come off them. i have been given a number to ring if it all gets too stressful again which is nice...

employment wise...well am still not employed, i am looking around at what is available, but it does get me really upset when i think about the jobs that i have missed out on. but am trying to remain cheerful about it.

mmm...it was fun on saturday with jonathan and others, i really had to run to get the last train home, and only just made it...peter and davina in a different location, had to get the dreaded night bus home!

thats all for now, my world aint half fun....it did snow this morning though which was nice, but not so nice when the boiler is broken and its very cold in the house
xxx

oh - i forgot to mention...happy 24th birthday jonathan - i hope that you have a lovely day...

and just as a huge cold spell grips us...our heating breaks - tis very cold chez us!

well, as some people know by know, the world of me in the last few days has not been very good at all. basically i have been in the last round of a few jobs, and i didnt get any of them. the one at the LSRC i was down to the last 2 and i was told on friday i didnt have it - i was devastated i really was...i emailed steve and claire in my old department straight away and they said that they really missed out not employing me. steve was especially gutted, and threatened me to keep in touch with him - like i was going to stop! but they were so lovely, saying the norm...like you are so lovely, stay confident we loved you, and miss you etc...bless them, they were gems to work with.

anyways, that was sad. because i am stressed i cant sleep, because i am not sleeping i am more stressed. because i am stressed i am feeling sick, because i am feeling sick i am not really eating, because i am not eating, i feel sick. what a nasty vicious circle i am in.

went to jons on saturday for his birthday, it was lovely seeing him again, and he cheers me up as always. met up with some notts people too.

peter and dav are back for a few days too - well its their last eve today, so we are having a meal for them. its been brilliant spending time with my brother...its been 9 months, so its juts about time!

anyways, have to look forward and not back!
xxx