Good girl...
today I have been a good girl. We had the student union talk today giving us all the info about the PGSA and the SU, and all the support services that we have available to us. I had also just received a text from my brother which said "its just a case of being confident and asking for help when you need it", and so the two things went together, and after the talk I went to the student support table, and the lady was so nice to me. I was a bit of a nervous wreck, and eyes were glazing slightly, and she said they would do all they could to help me...so tomorrow when i have my timetable on campus with me I will be booking my time to see them...I am finally getting my arse in gear about this. Couldnt let it go on for much longer, oh and i will be signing up for the doctors too, so we will see how they can help me and what they suggest too.
i then went to the poster sale, and saw something that made me very happy. As some of you may know, in Africa some of my prayer cards went missing, and i was gutted - especially cos i lost footprints - well they had it on a poster..and so now i have that on my wall, and it will remind me of what i already know, but sometimes in times of stress have a tendency to forget.
apart from that have not got lost once yet, and i even managed to find the Sainsburys - only 15 minutes walk away - bonus! am doing a lot of walking, it must be doing some good.
spoke to my other brother on the phone yesterday, and he basically told me that there was no option to go home, and that i have all their support which was good, and that he had all confidence in me, and he knows that i work hard, and will not waste this opportunity..i just wish i had his confidence...
anyways, have to look and think positive..in a years time i will be looking back at this and wondering what it was all about huh?
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Nottingham Uni so far...
well as most of you may know, I have decided in some foolish manner that i was to come back to uni and do a masters, and i thought that I had the sufficient intelligence to do so. Well...on sunday i arrived to nottingham to start this year long course, and at the moment, I feel that on this sunday i should do a u-turn and go back home, saving a lot of money, and maybe my sanity. We have been having our induction briefings so far, and althought these are quite helpful in some respects, at the same time, they are making me feel very scared about it all, and i am having the will i cope alarm bells ringing frantically in my head. I am in a student flat which is quite nice...there is one other english girl with me, the rest are internationals. My course freinds are also surrounded by internationals, so it is nice to meet up with them, and hear other english accents. Not that i have anything against internationals at all, its just nice to speak to English people some time. Anyways, on monday ten of the english people from my block went to the pub which was really cool, and then last night our department did us a team bonding night/evening really so that we can do our full compulsory amount of mingling before you actuallu go insane...
am very scared at the moment. I have had my first panic attacks in ages, and it wasnt particularly pleasant. and i have had a few more since, and in the induction today i was nearly in tears because i just feel so stupid and pathetic about this all. I kindof just want the course to start so i can get my teeth into something, but at the same time i am thinking shall i just escape now because it will save a lot of money... oh i really have to go to the doctors, go to the chaplains,my tutot, and people, can you really pray for me...I feel that maybe i havnt been spending as much time as i could be with God, and so this really is my time...
well as most of you may know, I have decided in some foolish manner that i was to come back to uni and do a masters, and i thought that I had the sufficient intelligence to do so. Well...on sunday i arrived to nottingham to start this year long course, and at the moment, I feel that on this sunday i should do a u-turn and go back home, saving a lot of money, and maybe my sanity. We have been having our induction briefings so far, and althought these are quite helpful in some respects, at the same time, they are making me feel very scared about it all, and i am having the will i cope alarm bells ringing frantically in my head. I am in a student flat which is quite nice...there is one other english girl with me, the rest are internationals. My course freinds are also surrounded by internationals, so it is nice to meet up with them, and hear other english accents. Not that i have anything against internationals at all, its just nice to speak to English people some time. Anyways, on monday ten of the english people from my block went to the pub which was really cool, and then last night our department did us a team bonding night/evening really so that we can do our full compulsory amount of mingling before you actuallu go insane...
am very scared at the moment. I have had my first panic attacks in ages, and it wasnt particularly pleasant. and i have had a few more since, and in the induction today i was nearly in tears because i just feel so stupid and pathetic about this all. I kindof just want the course to start so i can get my teeth into something, but at the same time i am thinking shall i just escape now because it will save a lot of money... oh i really have to go to the doctors, go to the chaplains,my tutot, and people, can you really pray for me...I feel that maybe i havnt been spending as much time as i could be with God, and so this really is my time...
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Just to say that I am in Nottingham safe and sound, have manged to get the internet going all on my own, have not got lost yet (amazing I know!), and althought i have been naughty and gone out alone at night, i have not been approached by anyone but before anyone gets scared, i will nt be making a habit of it!
will tell you more about Nottingham another entry, cos this one I wanted to say Happy birthday my dear Benjamin Arnold! I hope that your liver survives this year...Thank you for being such an awesome friend, it really does mean a lot to me, and I hope that yo have had a good day! You are a star and make me laugh so much....and i really love that...i can be happy or miserbale around you and you dont care! cheers for being there my lovely! and welcome to the world of being over 21, and long may you enjoy it!
will tell you more about Nottingham another entry, cos this one I wanted to say Happy birthday my dear Benjamin Arnold! I hope that your liver survives this year...Thank you for being such an awesome friend, it really does mean a lot to me, and I hope that yo have had a good day! You are a star and make me laugh so much....and i really love that...i can be happy or miserbale around you and you dont care! cheers for being there my lovely! and welcome to the world of being over 21, and long may you enjoy it!
Saturday, September 24, 2005
The mistake that i have made today is....
...that i am supposed to be in my flat at Nottingham, and infact I am still at home cos I got the date wrong...good start hey?! and to all those who said that I was clever enough to do a masters....
never mind, the good people at Nottingham will have my key ready for me to collect tomorrow, and then maybe some of my new flat mates will be there to wlecome me, so i wont feel like a big loser!
never mind zosh...you'll get somewhere eventually
...that i am supposed to be in my flat at Nottingham, and infact I am still at home cos I got the date wrong...good start hey?! and to all those who said that I was clever enough to do a masters....
never mind, the good people at Nottingham will have my key ready for me to collect tomorrow, and then maybe some of my new flat mates will be there to wlecome me, so i wont feel like a big loser!
never mind zosh...you'll get somewhere eventually
Friday, September 23, 2005
Cake Making!
I baked a cake today - and it was a proper cake with flour, sugar eggs, and butter and everything - it even has plums in it! my mum is wanting to dig into it now, cos the whole house smells of the yummyness (and yes that is a word) And why? i hear you all say - Its my nans 76th birthday today, and she deserves a lot of things, and so i have got het some lovely flowers and made her a cake, and I am going to go round to her house later this evening, and give her a huge hug (I always do this anyway), and treat her like the quenn she is. Anyone who knows me , knows how proud I am of my nan, and she is the woman that I aspire to be, so I just want to say STOLAT Babcia, and love you more than you will ever know (and thats a hell of a lot of love). My babcia is the person that I do miss the most when I am away. she doesnt know this, but she sent me a letter whilst I was in Africa, and it took ages to come, but it arrived on my birthday - and i was so happy that it came on this day that I just cried my eyes out. That was the best present that anyone could have given to me - it was ace. and what Andrew as best man said in his speech about the Babcia test is so true - all you prospect boyfriends had better watch out!
Am glad to see that Ben has turned the corner and is on the cheery road again...and Ben i dont have that Mr Right just yet, hes a bit of a bugger really, and am at a loss as to what to do!
happy birthday babcia! kocham ciebie mocno.
I baked a cake today - and it was a proper cake with flour, sugar eggs, and butter and everything - it even has plums in it! my mum is wanting to dig into it now, cos the whole house smells of the yummyness (and yes that is a word) And why? i hear you all say - Its my nans 76th birthday today, and she deserves a lot of things, and so i have got het some lovely flowers and made her a cake, and I am going to go round to her house later this evening, and give her a huge hug (I always do this anyway), and treat her like the quenn she is. Anyone who knows me , knows how proud I am of my nan, and she is the woman that I aspire to be, so I just want to say STOLAT Babcia, and love you more than you will ever know (and thats a hell of a lot of love). My babcia is the person that I do miss the most when I am away. she doesnt know this, but she sent me a letter whilst I was in Africa, and it took ages to come, but it arrived on my birthday - and i was so happy that it came on this day that I just cried my eyes out. That was the best present that anyone could have given to me - it was ace. and what Andrew as best man said in his speech about the Babcia test is so true - all you prospect boyfriends had better watch out!
Am glad to see that Ben has turned the corner and is on the cheery road again...and Ben i dont have that Mr Right just yet, hes a bit of a bugger really, and am at a loss as to what to do!
happy birthday babcia! kocham ciebie mocno.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Listening to a cd tonight whilst packing my clothes for uni, some of the lyrics really struck me, and so i am going to write some of them on my blog:
"I caught the briefest glimpse, I havent seen it since, When you smile at me Where'd you smile from. From insecurity"
"Have you ever let someone in to unmask you"
"And I'm hoping the God can make good things of our lives His love survives the greatest struggles"
"I wrestle with eternal questions"
"I push you away from me. protect myself"
Now its not often when music of the secular nature really speaks out to me, usually I just put a cd on, and sing to the tune, and ignore the words. but today, I have really been listening to lyrics of things, not just my cd, but songs on the radio too. Now 90% of the time, they really are drivel, but sometimes you can get gems.
Like I do push so many people away just to protect myself, and thats a huge weakness of mine, and sometimes i dont let people in to protect myself, because if I drop my guard, or if there is someone i like I dont tell them, because i know that its going to end in a huge fall, so i put up another barrier so that i can protect myself, and this is why it is hard for me to find a person i can trust, or even think to build a strong relationship with, and why when i do like people it usually ends in nothing for fear takes over.
I put on a happy face so many times...so much so, that my mum really says she doesnt know me a lot of the time, because I am so used to doing it, and that I will find it really hard to find true happiness because i have so much going on inside that I keep to myself that it is taking over me.
So when I heard the lyrics about the un-masking, and the protection of myself, and the smile of insecurity - i really understand...i really do.
And to end this, I really do hope that God can make a good thing of my life, and over the past few months I can see that His love can get me through some struggles, and so I am going to take this stength and continue....
"I caught the briefest glimpse, I havent seen it since, When you smile at me Where'd you smile from. From insecurity"
"Have you ever let someone in to unmask you"
"And I'm hoping the God can make good things of our lives His love survives the greatest struggles"
"I wrestle with eternal questions"
"I push you away from me. protect myself"
Now its not often when music of the secular nature really speaks out to me, usually I just put a cd on, and sing to the tune, and ignore the words. but today, I have really been listening to lyrics of things, not just my cd, but songs on the radio too. Now 90% of the time, they really are drivel, but sometimes you can get gems.
Like I do push so many people away just to protect myself, and thats a huge weakness of mine, and sometimes i dont let people in to protect myself, because if I drop my guard, or if there is someone i like I dont tell them, because i know that its going to end in a huge fall, so i put up another barrier so that i can protect myself, and this is why it is hard for me to find a person i can trust, or even think to build a strong relationship with, and why when i do like people it usually ends in nothing for fear takes over.
I put on a happy face so many times...so much so, that my mum really says she doesnt know me a lot of the time, because I am so used to doing it, and that I will find it really hard to find true happiness because i have so much going on inside that I keep to myself that it is taking over me.
So when I heard the lyrics about the un-masking, and the protection of myself, and the smile of insecurity - i really understand...i really do.
And to end this, I really do hope that God can make a good thing of my life, and over the past few months I can see that His love can get me through some struggles, and so I am going to take this stength and continue....
The Exeter Review
Well this last weekend I went to Exeter, as I needed to escape the parents, and I wanted to see some people that I hadnt seen since February, and others who I wanted to see before I go to Nottingham. So on Friday afternoon, I got to Victoria Greenline Coach Station, and caught my coach to Exeter..to be texted on the way down to go to Arena...So when Ben collected me from the coach station...we dumped my stuff there, and headed over to Eds (didnt even change clothes, do my hair or put on make up). At Eds I met Hannah, who i have never met before, Dave, who i have never met before, Luke who I have met before, and of course Ed. We all went to Arena, and had a good night.
On Saturday I met Monica and Neil, and with Ben and Mark also we went to Paignton zoo, where every animal had to have a rhyming food source to keep it alive! The zoo was good, and thanks to the escaped Picary I had a gorgeous Hippo Honeycomb ice-cream. We got back, and I made tea for people, and then via Beer Box we went to Eds, where crazy games began, including how many people we could fit on an arm-chair, making a human pyramid, and getting a haribo from the forhead to the mouth by just using face muscles. It was a very fun evening, I laughed a lot.
On Sunday, I had a mini lie in, and then Ben and I made our way to Sacred Heart, on the way bumping into Tessa which was so nice. The service was Ok, but the hymns were dreadful. I really like to praise God through music, but couldnt because I, and many other people in the church did not know the hymns at all. This was disappointing. ben and i got food, and then made our way back to his, where we looked at James and Ellas wedding photos he got at the wedding! We then went to Belmont - I have never been to Belmont before, but I really enjoyed it. As I said on the post below, I had really good me and God time, and was really deep in prayer which was really satisfying, and it made a few things clearer for me. Ben and I then did a damn good quiz
On Monday, in the morning I cooked some of the food for the evening, including the biscuit base for the angel delight cake. Ben and I then looked through the lonely hearts, to find partners for each other, and then we made our way to town to meet the lovely always smiling Tessa, and to see my favourite book in film form - Pride and Prejudice - it was a good film. Having been informed by Mark that Monica cant have milk (she wouldnt be able to have had my angel delight cake), we got some chocolate and corn flakes to make crsipy cake. Was making both said cakes when Ed came over, and to Bens disgust, Ed got to lick out the bowls. people then came round, and we all (well I think we all) had a very good night. I beat Luke at chubby bunnies - i didnt think I would, he started so well, and I laughed a lot with Hannah - I cant even remember what was funny, but we laughed so much. She is a lovely girl.
Tuesday I came back home...and then visited my friend from school Helen, who noticed the eye contact thing straight away, and told me off...and she told me that I had to get all my depression, insecurities etc sorted. She is very strict, but says the truth.
And now, well now i am packing all my stuff up. I am feeling sick with nerves, and am feeling sorry for Ben, and I dont like hearing that he is down like this, and some of it is my fault. I have other things eating away at me, but my blog is not the place for them to come out. oh, and I had to fill in a Tearfund questionnaire/debrief/feedback form which was hard...like there was questions like "Did your team leader give you support?", and I really dread to think about the rest of my team wrote for this. But I sent this, and my report back this morning.
so Exeter people, thanks so much for a lovely time, and all your attempts at calming my nerves and my inadequacies. and to all those who are there, loom out for Ben for me.
am trying to be more cheery, so that people can leave a comment on the blog - it started off well, but has kindof gone downhill a bit really hasnt it?
Well this last weekend I went to Exeter, as I needed to escape the parents, and I wanted to see some people that I hadnt seen since February, and others who I wanted to see before I go to Nottingham. So on Friday afternoon, I got to Victoria Greenline Coach Station, and caught my coach to Exeter..to be texted on the way down to go to Arena...So when Ben collected me from the coach station...we dumped my stuff there, and headed over to Eds (didnt even change clothes, do my hair or put on make up). At Eds I met Hannah, who i have never met before, Dave, who i have never met before, Luke who I have met before, and of course Ed. We all went to Arena, and had a good night.
On Saturday I met Monica and Neil, and with Ben and Mark also we went to Paignton zoo, where every animal had to have a rhyming food source to keep it alive! The zoo was good, and thanks to the escaped Picary I had a gorgeous Hippo Honeycomb ice-cream. We got back, and I made tea for people, and then via Beer Box we went to Eds, where crazy games began, including how many people we could fit on an arm-chair, making a human pyramid, and getting a haribo from the forhead to the mouth by just using face muscles. It was a very fun evening, I laughed a lot.
On Sunday, I had a mini lie in, and then Ben and I made our way to Sacred Heart, on the way bumping into Tessa which was so nice. The service was Ok, but the hymns were dreadful. I really like to praise God through music, but couldnt because I, and many other people in the church did not know the hymns at all. This was disappointing. ben and i got food, and then made our way back to his, where we looked at James and Ellas wedding photos he got at the wedding! We then went to Belmont - I have never been to Belmont before, but I really enjoyed it. As I said on the post below, I had really good me and God time, and was really deep in prayer which was really satisfying, and it made a few things clearer for me. Ben and I then did a damn good quiz
On Monday, in the morning I cooked some of the food for the evening, including the biscuit base for the angel delight cake. Ben and I then looked through the lonely hearts, to find partners for each other, and then we made our way to town to meet the lovely always smiling Tessa, and to see my favourite book in film form - Pride and Prejudice - it was a good film. Having been informed by Mark that Monica cant have milk (she wouldnt be able to have had my angel delight cake), we got some chocolate and corn flakes to make crsipy cake. Was making both said cakes when Ed came over, and to Bens disgust, Ed got to lick out the bowls. people then came round, and we all (well I think we all) had a very good night. I beat Luke at chubby bunnies - i didnt think I would, he started so well, and I laughed a lot with Hannah - I cant even remember what was funny, but we laughed so much. She is a lovely girl.
Tuesday I came back home...and then visited my friend from school Helen, who noticed the eye contact thing straight away, and told me off...and she told me that I had to get all my depression, insecurities etc sorted. She is very strict, but says the truth.
And now, well now i am packing all my stuff up. I am feeling sick with nerves, and am feeling sorry for Ben, and I dont like hearing that he is down like this, and some of it is my fault. I have other things eating away at me, but my blog is not the place for them to come out. oh, and I had to fill in a Tearfund questionnaire/debrief/feedback form which was hard...like there was questions like "Did your team leader give you support?", and I really dread to think about the rest of my team wrote for this. But I sent this, and my report back this morning.
so Exeter people, thanks so much for a lovely time, and all your attempts at calming my nerves and my inadequacies. and to all those who are there, loom out for Ben for me.
am trying to be more cheery, so that people can leave a comment on the blog - it started off well, but has kindof gone downhill a bit really hasnt it?
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Hey blog
Will blog more about exeter soon...but I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who was there and looking after me these last few days. It was so nice to see you all again and catch up. I really needed to get away for a bit, and to forget about the things that have been bothering me and eating away at me over the last few months., and it really did work. I didnt think that I could fit so much into a three days! But, what Exeter did make clear to me was that i am still so insecure about so many things...i really noticed that i could not look anyone in the eye when i spoke to them, and that must really piss everyone off...and i felt so bad, and no matter how much i tried i just couldnt bring myself to do it. It made it clear that I still worry about my wieght and size too much and it also made it clear that I am not better, and that I can cover up all my problems much quicker then actually dealing with them head on which is what i should do, but dont do. and so, times when i had the opportunity to reflect on things (and one of the most important and special times for this was in the service at Belmont, during the talk about habakuk), I was praying really hard, and got quite emotional in what I was thinking and writing, and had some really good time with God, and I just thought and knew really that the best thing is for me to go back on the anti-depressants, and start up some counselling again. So i have to thank my trip down to Exeter for making that clearer for me.
But, yesterday - and i really must thank Hannah for this - I laughed like I have not laughed for a long time, and it was really good. thanks so much sweetheart.
Will blog more about exeter soon...but I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who was there and looking after me these last few days. It was so nice to see you all again and catch up. I really needed to get away for a bit, and to forget about the things that have been bothering me and eating away at me over the last few months., and it really did work. I didnt think that I could fit so much into a three days! But, what Exeter did make clear to me was that i am still so insecure about so many things...i really noticed that i could not look anyone in the eye when i spoke to them, and that must really piss everyone off...and i felt so bad, and no matter how much i tried i just couldnt bring myself to do it. It made it clear that I still worry about my wieght and size too much and it also made it clear that I am not better, and that I can cover up all my problems much quicker then actually dealing with them head on which is what i should do, but dont do. and so, times when i had the opportunity to reflect on things (and one of the most important and special times for this was in the service at Belmont, during the talk about habakuk), I was praying really hard, and got quite emotional in what I was thinking and writing, and had some really good time with God, and I just thought and knew really that the best thing is for me to go back on the anti-depressants, and start up some counselling again. So i have to thank my trip down to Exeter for making that clearer for me.
But, yesterday - and i really must thank Hannah for this - I laughed like I have not laughed for a long time, and it was really good. thanks so much sweetheart.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Hey blog
right now i am feeling a bit shitty. I am excited about going to Exeter tomorrow to see people that I havnt seen in alomost 7 months, that will be fun...
but over the last few days I have been getting increasingly more scared about going to Nottingham and my masters. i know i want to do it, there is no doubting that - what gets me is the little voice i have in my head continually telling me "you're not good enough". I think its because its been a year since i have taken on study...and i have been reading a text book that we were told that we could read if we wanted to but we didnt really have to, and if you couldnt be bothered to then it really didnt matter (but hey, you all knew that i would read it), and some of it was really hard to understand...and i know that i will be different when we have lectures and seminars and whatnot and are taught these things, but you all know what i am like..forever worrying and panicing....its not helathy is it?
i think that i am going to have to go to the docs and ask about the old medication again...i really think that although its been 7 days off a year now, (and my the time i go to the docs it will be over a year), the last few months may have been a lot easier for me if I was on them, and stopped this stupid notion that i can do without them when basically i cant. This was proven to me on one evening of my holiday, when i just really couldnt be bothered to do anything, and i just lay on my bed and cried, and just felt totally useless, and just thought about how much i hated myself and how i am and who i am, and went thorugh a mental list of what i would change about me, and basically, it just seemed to be easier to say that a new me should be formed who would be better.
i would really appreciate some prayers at this time. When watching the news they had a report on the famine in Nigre, and i just felt so stupid to be complaining about my insecurities and totally minute problems, when they are literally starving to death - i felt sick. so can we pray for them too - really really pray that somehow something will happen to make their situation so much better.
but to all the exeter guys, see you soon, and i will try my best to be happy and smiling to see you all!
right now i am feeling a bit shitty. I am excited about going to Exeter tomorrow to see people that I havnt seen in alomost 7 months, that will be fun...
but over the last few days I have been getting increasingly more scared about going to Nottingham and my masters. i know i want to do it, there is no doubting that - what gets me is the little voice i have in my head continually telling me "you're not good enough". I think its because its been a year since i have taken on study...and i have been reading a text book that we were told that we could read if we wanted to but we didnt really have to, and if you couldnt be bothered to then it really didnt matter (but hey, you all knew that i would read it), and some of it was really hard to understand...and i know that i will be different when we have lectures and seminars and whatnot and are taught these things, but you all know what i am like..forever worrying and panicing....its not helathy is it?
i think that i am going to have to go to the docs and ask about the old medication again...i really think that although its been 7 days off a year now, (and my the time i go to the docs it will be over a year), the last few months may have been a lot easier for me if I was on them, and stopped this stupid notion that i can do without them when basically i cant. This was proven to me on one evening of my holiday, when i just really couldnt be bothered to do anything, and i just lay on my bed and cried, and just felt totally useless, and just thought about how much i hated myself and how i am and who i am, and went thorugh a mental list of what i would change about me, and basically, it just seemed to be easier to say that a new me should be formed who would be better.
i would really appreciate some prayers at this time. When watching the news they had a report on the famine in Nigre, and i just felt so stupid to be complaining about my insecurities and totally minute problems, when they are literally starving to death - i felt sick. so can we pray for them too - really really pray that somehow something will happen to make their situation so much better.
but to all the exeter guys, see you soon, and i will try my best to be happy and smiling to see you all!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
For a while now I have been feeling very down, and I haven’t had the chance to think why, what with hen-nights, dress fittings, weddings and debriefs. But this last week, I have had plenty an opportunity to think, and some of this has been very destructive, but why I feel like I do at the moment has become a lot clearer.
Before I went to Lesotho, the thing that I was praying about the most was that I hoped that my depression would not return, but unfortunately it did. I felt myself rejoining the downward slope that I had battled so hard to climb up, and I was so gutted. Now in Lesotho I had my good times and I had great times, but there were also very low times too, and it was so hard, as I felt like I had no-one to turn to, and I felt very alone. As you all know, a member of my team was sent home. Now this was not my decision, it was a joint decision by Tearfund and Scripture Union. But some of my team thought that it was me, and this was because of my role as team leader. The individual was being rude, laughing at the nationals when they were telling him that he was being culturally insensitive, and undermining me and insulting me wherever and whenever possible. This was so upsetting, and took away all my confidence. Now being team leader I was the key person for communication between the team and Scripture Union partners and Tearfund. So I had weekly meetings so I could be told where we were going right and wrong, occasions where we could be told off as a team, and many times when I felt like I had to apologize for the team actions, or an individuals actions. I was the person who had to pass on the information, and this constant responsibility of apologizing for things that weren’t my fault really did take its toll on me, and was taking so much away from my experience. Tearfund were worried about me and ringing me up so that I could have over the phone counseling, and just to tell me that they had a lot of faith in me (as I had thoughts about leaving myself). So the team thought that it was me sending the member home, and I got a lot of their anger, was being told that I was a failure, and that it was all my fault, and that if I had been a better team leader then this would not have happened. I do feel like a huge fat failure, I feel like I have failed the team, the member that was sent home, Scripture Union and Tearfund. I feel so guilty that I have failed all these people and this really does begin to hurt.
Some people have also been doubting the work and the success of the work that I did out there. Our work, we were told, despite having all the problems in the team was the best that a team has done out there. Our schools and committees excelled out there, from in most cases having no Scripture Union, to having two meetings a week, and from not reading the Bible, to be actively involved in choosing what Bible passages to study, and from being scared to pray, to praying out loud and with confidence. But people have just been saying that its only because I am white that these students wanted to impress us, and that it wont be continuing now. This really hurts. Does that really matter – the fact is, that these students in those 4 months were introduced to the works of God, and everything that He did for us, and the things that He still can do for us if we put all our trust in Him…now surely that’s the most important thing? These students knew that no matter what was going on in their private lives, we would come and see them two times a week, to encourage them, and pray with them, and be their friends. The fact that we had the chance to just sit and chat and pray with them is good enough for me, but the fact that my students who were too scared to talk to some other students before we came, but by the time we were leaving were running Scripture Union groups, dramatizing Bible verses, and praying with their friends was the important thing. And I really believe and pray that they will continue this. God was really working through us in the schools, and He would want this work to continue.
But the work that we did on the orphanages too…I really do believe that giving a kid 5 minutes of undivided attention is just something so special. The children there would not normally have had that, but we had time for them, we played with them, we drew with them, we pretended to be silly animals with them, we cuddled them, and we loved them. This is so much more that they previously had, and so for somebody to say that this was not worthwhile and that I didn’t make a difference hurts…especially when I still have little Jozefa in my head. He was 4, his mum is in a mental hospital, and I think his dad abandoned him because he had AIDS. He also has TB as his immune system is too weak, and when Save the Children could afford it he had steroids pumped into him. I love this child. Whenever I felt low I just thought of him, and his smile, and the way that he is living his life without even knowing that he is ill and the hard times that he has ahead. Jozefa kept me going, and on the last day he would not let me go. On having to leave all I heard from him was “No Nthabiseng, no. No go”. If somebody tells me that I could not have done anything worthwhile, I just think of Jozefa and the fact that I loved that child and he knew that somebody loved him.
But I was also scared about the relationships with you guys from home, and how much they have changed. I have met up with a lot of you already, but there are some people who I have contacted via various means, but have not heard anything from – people who I thought were close friends, and I can only think that I have hurt them in some way, or done something to upset them, and I am wracking my brain to think what. I know my contact in the months I was away was poor, but there was little means, and little time. I am scared that some people think that I didn’t miss them when I was away which is so wrong, as my bed was surrounded by pictures of friends and family to cheer me up when I was down, and the emails and texts that I could get when I was in South Africa and had signal had really encouraging, if undeserved messages in them, and it made my week/month to hear from you all, like you would not believe. I hope that people will still accept me, with faults and all. I am scared as I have missed a lot of peoples changes in the last four months that they will not like me, or I will be forgotten and this fear upsets me and plays on my mind.
Sorry this is such a long entry. I just had so much on my chest, that it was slowly driving me crazy, and these are just a few of the things that are getting me down, not to think of culture shocks, and uni plans…….
Before I went to Lesotho, the thing that I was praying about the most was that I hoped that my depression would not return, but unfortunately it did. I felt myself rejoining the downward slope that I had battled so hard to climb up, and I was so gutted. Now in Lesotho I had my good times and I had great times, but there were also very low times too, and it was so hard, as I felt like I had no-one to turn to, and I felt very alone. As you all know, a member of my team was sent home. Now this was not my decision, it was a joint decision by Tearfund and Scripture Union. But some of my team thought that it was me, and this was because of my role as team leader. The individual was being rude, laughing at the nationals when they were telling him that he was being culturally insensitive, and undermining me and insulting me wherever and whenever possible. This was so upsetting, and took away all my confidence. Now being team leader I was the key person for communication between the team and Scripture Union partners and Tearfund. So I had weekly meetings so I could be told where we were going right and wrong, occasions where we could be told off as a team, and many times when I felt like I had to apologize for the team actions, or an individuals actions. I was the person who had to pass on the information, and this constant responsibility of apologizing for things that weren’t my fault really did take its toll on me, and was taking so much away from my experience. Tearfund were worried about me and ringing me up so that I could have over the phone counseling, and just to tell me that they had a lot of faith in me (as I had thoughts about leaving myself). So the team thought that it was me sending the member home, and I got a lot of their anger, was being told that I was a failure, and that it was all my fault, and that if I had been a better team leader then this would not have happened. I do feel like a huge fat failure, I feel like I have failed the team, the member that was sent home, Scripture Union and Tearfund. I feel so guilty that I have failed all these people and this really does begin to hurt.
Some people have also been doubting the work and the success of the work that I did out there. Our work, we were told, despite having all the problems in the team was the best that a team has done out there. Our schools and committees excelled out there, from in most cases having no Scripture Union, to having two meetings a week, and from not reading the Bible, to be actively involved in choosing what Bible passages to study, and from being scared to pray, to praying out loud and with confidence. But people have just been saying that its only because I am white that these students wanted to impress us, and that it wont be continuing now. This really hurts. Does that really matter – the fact is, that these students in those 4 months were introduced to the works of God, and everything that He did for us, and the things that He still can do for us if we put all our trust in Him…now surely that’s the most important thing? These students knew that no matter what was going on in their private lives, we would come and see them two times a week, to encourage them, and pray with them, and be their friends. The fact that we had the chance to just sit and chat and pray with them is good enough for me, but the fact that my students who were too scared to talk to some other students before we came, but by the time we were leaving were running Scripture Union groups, dramatizing Bible verses, and praying with their friends was the important thing. And I really believe and pray that they will continue this. God was really working through us in the schools, and He would want this work to continue.
But the work that we did on the orphanages too…I really do believe that giving a kid 5 minutes of undivided attention is just something so special. The children there would not normally have had that, but we had time for them, we played with them, we drew with them, we pretended to be silly animals with them, we cuddled them, and we loved them. This is so much more that they previously had, and so for somebody to say that this was not worthwhile and that I didn’t make a difference hurts…especially when I still have little Jozefa in my head. He was 4, his mum is in a mental hospital, and I think his dad abandoned him because he had AIDS. He also has TB as his immune system is too weak, and when Save the Children could afford it he had steroids pumped into him. I love this child. Whenever I felt low I just thought of him, and his smile, and the way that he is living his life without even knowing that he is ill and the hard times that he has ahead. Jozefa kept me going, and on the last day he would not let me go. On having to leave all I heard from him was “No Nthabiseng, no. No go”. If somebody tells me that I could not have done anything worthwhile, I just think of Jozefa and the fact that I loved that child and he knew that somebody loved him.
But I was also scared about the relationships with you guys from home, and how much they have changed. I have met up with a lot of you already, but there are some people who I have contacted via various means, but have not heard anything from – people who I thought were close friends, and I can only think that I have hurt them in some way, or done something to upset them, and I am wracking my brain to think what. I know my contact in the months I was away was poor, but there was little means, and little time. I am scared that some people think that I didn’t miss them when I was away which is so wrong, as my bed was surrounded by pictures of friends and family to cheer me up when I was down, and the emails and texts that I could get when I was in South Africa and had signal had really encouraging, if undeserved messages in them, and it made my week/month to hear from you all, like you would not believe. I hope that people will still accept me, with faults and all. I am scared as I have missed a lot of peoples changes in the last four months that they will not like me, or I will be forgotten and this fear upsets me and plays on my mind.
Sorry this is such a long entry. I just had so much on my chest, that it was slowly driving me crazy, and these are just a few of the things that are getting me down, not to think of culture shocks, and uni plans…….
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Bingo!
Right - I know Peter and Dav are sideways, but there is a picture of the happy couple, and they really and truly do look lovely (dont know how to rotate!)
Me, Harriet and Alex proudly displaying our bouquets at the reception
Harriet, me and Alex waiting for Peter and Davina to come out of the church
Am feeling very crap at the moment, but strangely am not in the mood to write about it, as there are so many things making me feel down.
Right - I know Peter and Dav are sideways, but there is a picture of the happy couple, and they really and truly do look lovely (dont know how to rotate!)
Me, Harriet and Alex proudly displaying our bouquets at the receptionHarriet, me and Alex waiting for Peter and Davina to come out of the church
Am feeling very crap at the moment, but strangely am not in the mood to write about it, as there are so many things making me feel down.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
The wedding of Peter and Davina Bajorek
Staurday 6th August 2005, saw my second wedding in eight days. This wedding was that of my brother Peter, and his fiance Davina (Dav). We went up on the friday as its a long drive up to the small yorkshire dale village of Muker where Davina grew up, and where the marriage was going to take place in the local parish church. Peter wanted the marriage to be recognised by the Catholic church, and so had done all the necessities for that already. On the Friday they had the practice run...and then we had a whole fanily get together - it was so nice - my mums sisters, husbands and children all came up too, and we had an evening together.
On saturday morning Peter was so relaxed it was really good to see. We had our breakfast in a B&B, and then we went for a walk in the Dales, with Peter stopping every few minutes wth flahes of inspiration as to what to say in his speech. We had to cut the walk short, as my mum and I had to make our way to Davinas as I had to have my hair done, and so bridesmaid things, and my mum had to help sort out the cake that we had brought from London with us. When I arrived Davina was also very calm....seriously in the last 8 days I have not witnessed any of the wedding day jitters I hear so many people talk about. We gace Davina her presents - consisiting of champagne, chocolates, strawberries, cream, flip-flo[s, sarrong and pamper productsand then we had a champagne toast and the the hairdresser started on our hair. It was quite Pride and Prejudice styled - it was curled, and then pinned to the sides, and then had some flowers put into it - all us bridesmaids looked the same.
Now Muker only has about 30 houses in it, and Davina lives next door to the church, and so we were watching all the guests arrived, and then I got a glimpse of Peter walking into the church - and I wa proud to be called his sister - he look so good and smart. We then put on our dresses, and helped davina with hers - she looked truly stunning, and then had our photos.
The church service was just lovely...it brought a tear to my eye. I could not believe that that was my brother getting married, I had this really strange feeling in my stomach. They had the tradiational 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 reading (at least I will have a happy memory for this reading now - I usually assosciate it with my babcias funeral, as that is what was read then), and they also had a traditional blessing read whoch made me teary a bit - as it was just beautiful. The vows were said, and that was it they were married.
Then there was the reception. This was done in the village hall just next door to the church. All the guests mingled outside (this is where Harriet, Alex and I played a role as bridesmaids in the mingling), while some photos were taken, and bubbly was handed out, then we had the line-up, and then the reception. Andrew (my oldest brother and Best-Man) did an amazing job in welcoming them in, and looking after them. After every course I did my mingling, making sure people were happy and ok and so forth...and everytime i went to a different table, people kept n offereing me a drink - at one point I had five drinks scattered around the room. the second time I mingled I made sure i had a drink in hand so that didnt happen anymore!
The speeches came next. Mr Hepworth did a very good speech, and I think my brother was happy with what was said. Then came Peters speech - i was so proud of him. peter is usually so shy, and i was so worried with how his speech woucome out, but it was great. Basically, he ran on the theme that people had said he had made a good choice with davina, but to him it was not a choice, but it was something that was just natural to the both of them, and that he never thought that he could be so in love with someone - seriosly made me blubber - and his speech finished with a toast to the bridesmaids (of which a lot of people had mentioned how they had heard a lot of singing coming from that side of the church...guess who that was?!) Andrews speech as Best Man was also soooooo good. It was just so Andrew and Peter, and mentioned family things like the Babcia test (the test that any partner of a grand-child has to go through) - and this really got me, as at this point we were reminded to think of her and my grandad as she was not able to make it to the wedding - this raelly got me, and I blubbered big time. A big toast to the happy couple was made, and more mingling ensued, but this time I was getting hugged due to the tears, by friends of Peter and Davina, and family.
We then had a barn-dance - now all who were at James and Ella's wedding will know how much i enjoyed myself there, so this week was no different, but dancing in my bridesmaid dress was much harder, the drapes at the back kept on getting caught, but it was great fun, and I kept on losing my shoes, as in the times when we had to make baskets, this week I was lifted from the floor, and then I had one very bouncy partner who insisted on twirling me around at the end of every dance - shoes flying in all directions - co-incidently - if i had money for every time I had, Zosia you look beautiful, or Zosia you look stunning, if only i didnt have a girlfriend - i would be one very rich lady.
After the barn dance was the disco - to which when the invites were sent out all guests were told to reply with two disco tunes to get ultinate dancibility! It was the bridesmaid jobs to get more then 5 people on the dance floor, which was fine, as we made up three of the five, and the ushers (Guy and Stef - Peters friends from school and uni) made up the other two. Now i had rashly made a bet with davinas friend Ed that I would beat him as what is known in the Dales as Bastard dancing, and so some amazing dance floor treats were seen. And i was level pegging with Ed, until Alex (davinas sister) and I found the steps to the stage, and I was all round victor. Peter and Davina left at 12, and on their way into the cab, Davina through her bouquet, and somehow - i really dont remember how - its all a blur and happened so quickly, it ended up in my hands! the disco continued without them, and Alex and I were on stage surrounded by the male freinds of Davina and peter when the full monty track played (oh we were very embarressed when reminded about this on sunday morning), and soon the end of the night came, and back to the B&B we went.
So i now have one married brother - it is very strange. Very strange. But he is so happy, and so is Davina, and that is just what is so important. I really pray that they stay this happy together, and that God is with them through the highs and the lows
And for me, 2 weddings attended, 2 bouquets caught - 1 major problem with the getting married part - the story of my life really isnt it.....
oh - and the vicar got my brothers name very wrong during the service - it was so funny even though "I have been practising it all week"...davina didnt mind, as she said that it made her attempt sound better. God really must help the priest at my wedding then!
ps - this colour is the most similar i could find to the colour of the bridesmaid dress that i was wearing
Staurday 6th August 2005, saw my second wedding in eight days. This wedding was that of my brother Peter, and his fiance Davina (Dav). We went up on the friday as its a long drive up to the small yorkshire dale village of Muker where Davina grew up, and where the marriage was going to take place in the local parish church. Peter wanted the marriage to be recognised by the Catholic church, and so had done all the necessities for that already. On the Friday they had the practice run...and then we had a whole fanily get together - it was so nice - my mums sisters, husbands and children all came up too, and we had an evening together.
On saturday morning Peter was so relaxed it was really good to see. We had our breakfast in a B&B, and then we went for a walk in the Dales, with Peter stopping every few minutes wth flahes of inspiration as to what to say in his speech. We had to cut the walk short, as my mum and I had to make our way to Davinas as I had to have my hair done, and so bridesmaid things, and my mum had to help sort out the cake that we had brought from London with us. When I arrived Davina was also very calm....seriously in the last 8 days I have not witnessed any of the wedding day jitters I hear so many people talk about. We gace Davina her presents - consisiting of champagne, chocolates, strawberries, cream, flip-flo[s, sarrong and pamper productsand then we had a champagne toast and the the hairdresser started on our hair. It was quite Pride and Prejudice styled - it was curled, and then pinned to the sides, and then had some flowers put into it - all us bridesmaids looked the same.
Now Muker only has about 30 houses in it, and Davina lives next door to the church, and so we were watching all the guests arrived, and then I got a glimpse of Peter walking into the church - and I wa proud to be called his sister - he look so good and smart. We then put on our dresses, and helped davina with hers - she looked truly stunning, and then had our photos.
The church service was just lovely...it brought a tear to my eye. I could not believe that that was my brother getting married, I had this really strange feeling in my stomach. They had the tradiational 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 reading (at least I will have a happy memory for this reading now - I usually assosciate it with my babcias funeral, as that is what was read then), and they also had a traditional blessing read whoch made me teary a bit - as it was just beautiful. The vows were said, and that was it they were married.
Then there was the reception. This was done in the village hall just next door to the church. All the guests mingled outside (this is where Harriet, Alex and I played a role as bridesmaids in the mingling), while some photos were taken, and bubbly was handed out, then we had the line-up, and then the reception. Andrew (my oldest brother and Best-Man) did an amazing job in welcoming them in, and looking after them. After every course I did my mingling, making sure people were happy and ok and so forth...and everytime i went to a different table, people kept n offereing me a drink - at one point I had five drinks scattered around the room. the second time I mingled I made sure i had a drink in hand so that didnt happen anymore!
The speeches came next. Mr Hepworth did a very good speech, and I think my brother was happy with what was said. Then came Peters speech - i was so proud of him. peter is usually so shy, and i was so worried with how his speech woucome out, but it was great. Basically, he ran on the theme that people had said he had made a good choice with davina, but to him it was not a choice, but it was something that was just natural to the both of them, and that he never thought that he could be so in love with someone - seriosly made me blubber - and his speech finished with a toast to the bridesmaids (of which a lot of people had mentioned how they had heard a lot of singing coming from that side of the church...guess who that was?!) Andrews speech as Best Man was also soooooo good. It was just so Andrew and Peter, and mentioned family things like the Babcia test (the test that any partner of a grand-child has to go through) - and this really got me, as at this point we were reminded to think of her and my grandad as she was not able to make it to the wedding - this raelly got me, and I blubbered big time. A big toast to the happy couple was made, and more mingling ensued, but this time I was getting hugged due to the tears, by friends of Peter and Davina, and family.
We then had a barn-dance - now all who were at James and Ella's wedding will know how much i enjoyed myself there, so this week was no different, but dancing in my bridesmaid dress was much harder, the drapes at the back kept on getting caught, but it was great fun, and I kept on losing my shoes, as in the times when we had to make baskets, this week I was lifted from the floor, and then I had one very bouncy partner who insisted on twirling me around at the end of every dance - shoes flying in all directions - co-incidently - if i had money for every time I had, Zosia you look beautiful, or Zosia you look stunning, if only i didnt have a girlfriend - i would be one very rich lady.
After the barn dance was the disco - to which when the invites were sent out all guests were told to reply with two disco tunes to get ultinate dancibility! It was the bridesmaid jobs to get more then 5 people on the dance floor, which was fine, as we made up three of the five, and the ushers (Guy and Stef - Peters friends from school and uni) made up the other two. Now i had rashly made a bet with davinas friend Ed that I would beat him as what is known in the Dales as Bastard dancing, and so some amazing dance floor treats were seen. And i was level pegging with Ed, until Alex (davinas sister) and I found the steps to the stage, and I was all round victor. Peter and Davina left at 12, and on their way into the cab, Davina through her bouquet, and somehow - i really dont remember how - its all a blur and happened so quickly, it ended up in my hands! the disco continued without them, and Alex and I were on stage surrounded by the male freinds of Davina and peter when the full monty track played (oh we were very embarressed when reminded about this on sunday morning), and soon the end of the night came, and back to the B&B we went.
So i now have one married brother - it is very strange. Very strange. But he is so happy, and so is Davina, and that is just what is so important. I really pray that they stay this happy together, and that God is with them through the highs and the lows
And for me, 2 weddings attended, 2 bouquets caught - 1 major problem with the getting married part - the story of my life really isnt it.....
oh - and the vicar got my brothers name very wrong during the service - it was so funny even though "I have been practising it all week"...davina didnt mind, as she said that it made her attempt sound better. God really must help the priest at my wedding then!
ps - this colour is the most similar i could find to the colour of the bridesmaid dress that i was wearing
Thursday, August 04, 2005
The Wedding of the Preeces
Well the weekend just gone saw my first wedding of the 8 days, and this was the wedding of James and Ella, two very good friends of mine. I went up to Hull last thursday as I was going to Ellas Hen-night - a very nice meal in a reastaurant followed by a drink in the pub, and when arriving back to halls, I joined the stag night on their return.
Saturday was the wedding. We were all up for breahfast and then went to sit on the landing for a long time - James was very very calm. It took me quite a while to get readyhair and make-up taking the longest, and then we went to the church - James was there an hour and a half early. Norris and I did a bit of clothing swapping - He had my hat, scarf and shoes, i had his tie and jacket and shoes - oh it was a stunning display. The service itself was a lovely affair...Fr Pat is an interesting character, cracking jokes left right and centre, but it was a lovely service - good choice of readings and hymns! The reception was lovely too...the meal was gorgeous, and I had great company on my table - we laughed a LOT! James and Ella cut the cake, and then there were the speeches. Ella's dad did a great speech, James didnt have one prepared but it was still good, and Marks speech was very funny...and the Polish brigade did STOLAT it which was great. The barn dance (well it was a caleigh - spelt as its said not as it should be spelt), was amazing! all but one dance danced by the zosh, and the Exeter boys are surprisingly good on their feet! well done Ben, Norris, Mark and Dan on your dancing (Dan i thought your Polka was particularly good)...and well then it was the bouquet - no-one caught it exactly as Ella threw it with sime gusto that it landed behind us on the floor - but i charged and reached it, and very guiltily swept it from under the nose of a five year old..feeling very guilty I went back to offer it to her, but she said in a Northern accent (having the Northern accent in the back of your mind is important for this) "No, its ok, I dont want to get married anyway"....well I do, so I kept it!
Sunday, we went to Church, and then the few that were staying went to james and Ella's house, and while they were at a meal, we stocked up their fridge with food, and made a fort in their front room with cushions and throws.
Monday we went to Whitbty, and Tuesday I came home
Thank you both for a lovely 5 days...and Good Luck for the future
The Lesotho Debrief
Yesterday was a trip to the Tearfund office in Teddington to be debriefed about my time in Africa...two of the team members Greg and Hannah didnt turn up. Now it was lovely seeing the team again, it really was, and i cant really comment much on what was said as it is confidential, but it brought up a lot of issues that I did not want to talk about but i was forced into talking about it, and it is still very upsetting for me...i hadnt really thought about it that much, as i hadnt had much time to, but when i was being asled all these detailed questions it juts took me back in time to when i was feeling my crappest, and being told thatI was useless and a failure, that I was a crap team-leader, that I was crap at my responsibilites, and had all my confidnec swipped out of me. It just made me feel like if I was better at what i was doing, or if I had acted differently. or if I had been - oh i just dont know anymore, then we would not have had all the problems in the team that we did, and Greg would not have been sent home. It just makes me feel like a failure really. When I was talking I just didnt know what to say, and i was going over and over things in my mind again, and its not heakthy at all. I was just so fed up of constantly having to apologise for bad behaviour that wasnt mine behaviour, and so sick of hearing complaints about a team member that wasnt me, and being told that I had to try an control him, when he was just completely undermining me. I just didnt know what to do, and I did the best thing that I thought that I coulkd at the time, but blatently, it wasnt the best thig...and i am just well useless. So that was so hard yesterday, and to be honest I still cant get it fully out of my mind I really cant. Its driving me a bit crazy, just going over what could have beens, and what should have beens...and just continually re-analysing it. So i reckon what was probably supposed to be something to make you feel better about the trip, ahd just made me feel quite crap again, and I hate feeling like this
The Next Wedding
Well tomorrow we head to the Yorkshire Dales for a town called Muker (pronounced Mewker) for the wedding of my Brother Peter, and his Fiance Davina. It is so strange that my brother is getting married - very strange, but lovely all the same. Unfortunately my babcia isnt going, as she is a bit poorly and has to look after my dziadzio (paryers for both of them are always welcome), and my brother is doing lots of last minute things - men! My bridesmaid dress is ready - i havnt seen the finished article yet, and my outfit for James and Ellas wedding is going to be worn by my cousin who found it hard to find an outfit for this wedding (well it took me ages to find mine - so i happily lent it to her). So can we pray for Peter and Dav this weekend that the wedding goes well, and that they have a lovely future together....
Well the weekend just gone saw my first wedding of the 8 days, and this was the wedding of James and Ella, two very good friends of mine. I went up to Hull last thursday as I was going to Ellas Hen-night - a very nice meal in a reastaurant followed by a drink in the pub, and when arriving back to halls, I joined the stag night on their return.
Saturday was the wedding. We were all up for breahfast and then went to sit on the landing for a long time - James was very very calm. It took me quite a while to get readyhair and make-up taking the longest, and then we went to the church - James was there an hour and a half early. Norris and I did a bit of clothing swapping - He had my hat, scarf and shoes, i had his tie and jacket and shoes - oh it was a stunning display. The service itself was a lovely affair...Fr Pat is an interesting character, cracking jokes left right and centre, but it was a lovely service - good choice of readings and hymns! The reception was lovely too...the meal was gorgeous, and I had great company on my table - we laughed a LOT! James and Ella cut the cake, and then there were the speeches. Ella's dad did a great speech, James didnt have one prepared but it was still good, and Marks speech was very funny...and the Polish brigade did STOLAT it which was great. The barn dance (well it was a caleigh - spelt as its said not as it should be spelt), was amazing! all but one dance danced by the zosh, and the Exeter boys are surprisingly good on their feet! well done Ben, Norris, Mark and Dan on your dancing (Dan i thought your Polka was particularly good)...and well then it was the bouquet - no-one caught it exactly as Ella threw it with sime gusto that it landed behind us on the floor - but i charged and reached it, and very guiltily swept it from under the nose of a five year old..feeling very guilty I went back to offer it to her, but she said in a Northern accent (having the Northern accent in the back of your mind is important for this) "No, its ok, I dont want to get married anyway"....well I do, so I kept it!
Sunday, we went to Church, and then the few that were staying went to james and Ella's house, and while they were at a meal, we stocked up their fridge with food, and made a fort in their front room with cushions and throws.
Monday we went to Whitbty, and Tuesday I came home
Thank you both for a lovely 5 days...and Good Luck for the future
The Lesotho Debrief
Yesterday was a trip to the Tearfund office in Teddington to be debriefed about my time in Africa...two of the team members Greg and Hannah didnt turn up. Now it was lovely seeing the team again, it really was, and i cant really comment much on what was said as it is confidential, but it brought up a lot of issues that I did not want to talk about but i was forced into talking about it, and it is still very upsetting for me...i hadnt really thought about it that much, as i hadnt had much time to, but when i was being asled all these detailed questions it juts took me back in time to when i was feeling my crappest, and being told thatI was useless and a failure, that I was a crap team-leader, that I was crap at my responsibilites, and had all my confidnec swipped out of me. It just made me feel like if I was better at what i was doing, or if I had acted differently. or if I had been - oh i just dont know anymore, then we would not have had all the problems in the team that we did, and Greg would not have been sent home. It just makes me feel like a failure really. When I was talking I just didnt know what to say, and i was going over and over things in my mind again, and its not heakthy at all. I was just so fed up of constantly having to apologise for bad behaviour that wasnt mine behaviour, and so sick of hearing complaints about a team member that wasnt me, and being told that I had to try an control him, when he was just completely undermining me. I just didnt know what to do, and I did the best thing that I thought that I coulkd at the time, but blatently, it wasnt the best thig...and i am just well useless. So that was so hard yesterday, and to be honest I still cant get it fully out of my mind I really cant. Its driving me a bit crazy, just going over what could have beens, and what should have beens...and just continually re-analysing it. So i reckon what was probably supposed to be something to make you feel better about the trip, ahd just made me feel quite crap again, and I hate feeling like this
The Next Wedding
Well tomorrow we head to the Yorkshire Dales for a town called Muker (pronounced Mewker) for the wedding of my Brother Peter, and his Fiance Davina. It is so strange that my brother is getting married - very strange, but lovely all the same. Unfortunately my babcia isnt going, as she is a bit poorly and has to look after my dziadzio (paryers for both of them are always welcome), and my brother is doing lots of last minute things - men! My bridesmaid dress is ready - i havnt seen the finished article yet, and my outfit for James and Ellas wedding is going to be worn by my cousin who found it hard to find an outfit for this wedding (well it took me ages to find mine - so i happily lent it to her). So can we pray for Peter and Dav this weekend that the wedding goes well, and that they have a lovely future together....
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
packing....
you would have thought that i would be amazing at this seeing I had to do it so many times in Africa when we were doing trpis to other parts of the Lesotho, and since being back I have spent days at various other locations - but i always find it such a terrible task. I know that i can live in 4 pairs of trousers for four months, so it is for reasons beyond my knowledge that I feel that three pairs of trousers and two skirts, and my wedding outfit, and various other tops wont get me through my few days in Hull. really zosia its very silly. but i cant do without my hair-straightners and hair-dryer, and then there are also some silly pressies in there for some of you....
but hate packing lots, always feel like i have forgotton something...wedding presents are packed - thats important...and hat, well that just has to be carried, along woth sleeping bag and train food!
oh wordy word
you would have thought that i would be amazing at this seeing I had to do it so many times in Africa when we were doing trpis to other parts of the Lesotho, and since being back I have spent days at various other locations - but i always find it such a terrible task. I know that i can live in 4 pairs of trousers for four months, so it is for reasons beyond my knowledge that I feel that three pairs of trousers and two skirts, and my wedding outfit, and various other tops wont get me through my few days in Hull. really zosia its very silly. but i cant do without my hair-straightners and hair-dryer, and then there are also some silly pressies in there for some of you....
but hate packing lots, always feel like i have forgotton something...wedding presents are packed - thats important...and hat, well that just has to be carried, along woth sleeping bag and train food!
oh wordy word
just to say...
..that i am so glad that i got the herbal sleeping tablets because for the first time in an absolute age I managed a decent nights sleep...am still tired as i have loads of lost sleep to catch up on, but i slept last night, and the world is a jolly place again (well the last bit may not be completely true but hey)
..that i am so glad that i got the herbal sleeping tablets because for the first time in an absolute age I managed a decent nights sleep...am still tired as i have loads of lost sleep to catch up on, but i slept last night, and the world is a jolly place again (well the last bit may not be completely true but hey)
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
I feel like....
....my feet never touch the ground for five minutes at the moment...i am always so busy its untrue, and i am so tired as I cant sleep ever, and oh its just a bit too much of an oh.
so this weekend was the hen weekend...i would recommend paint-balling for anyone who enjoys getting very big bruises and lumps on various parts of their body. It is so painful its untrue, I was lucky as i am a whimp, and when my team talked tactics (too many men full of testosterone - oh yeah both Dav and Peter had members of the opposite sex on their hen/stag dos), my tactic was literally hide behind a tree as going infront of people with these guns was painful - i would be very crap in an army situation for sure.
the assault course was more to my taste - it was very hard but very fun, it was all about working together as a team, and it was really good, although the crawling under tunnels have left me with bruised and battered knees...sob sob, i hope that they go down soon.
then off to a campsite to shower and cahnge, and then into Richmond for a night on the very very very small yorkshire dale town. We went to an Indian restaurant (mrs Hepworth kindly paid for my meal), where i found out that one of Davs work colleagues was an exeter graduate at the same time i was - we get everywhere - i met one in Lesotho too! After this and when all the adults including granny has left we went to a club called the Fleece, and danced the night away. Luckily it was only Dav who we eventuall made do the scavenger hunt, and i didnt really want to tell my brother how well she did! It was a good night, and Harriet was planner extraordinaire, even gave us oarty bags with rather rude things in!
then we taxis it back to the barn where we had more wine and food, and danced on the benches, as Ed would put it "bastrad dancing", and at 3:30 a walk on one of the hills in the dales was suggested and so the ones who had not gone to bed went, and got very stung by stinging nettles on the way. by 5 i was eventually in bed, and at 10:30 i was having a bridesmaid dress ftting, where i was told i looked too brown 9my tan has faded loads too), and Rebecca the dress maker managed to exclaim (even your feet are brown). back to Richmond we went for a greasy lunch, and then everyone went home, aart from me, I went back to the Hepworths I had another dress fitting yesterday and finally arrived home yesterday evening - Peter kindly waited for me after work, and collected me from Kings cross station!
Today I have been shopping for the weddings, for shoes and bags (i have horrid shoes for Peter and Davs wedding, so got very pretty ones for the reception), shoes for James and Ellas wedding, my pashmina/scarf thing, and wrapping paper for the pressies. I also got Peter and Dav their present - i got off the list...
but only one more day here then I am off to Hull...i am so tired. I am not sleeping at all and its getting me really down, and so i have got some sleeping herbal stuff, so that I can at least try and get a good nights sleep. am tryin to find out how we get to the accomodation we at from Hull station - this will be fun, my sense of direction s not to be desired.
i just dont know whether i am coing or going at the moment. I still havnt had a chnace to finish my Lesotho diary, and to think about what has happened to me over the last five months - and a lot has happened, and i really need to think about it all, and see what was nd wasnt my fault, and what i have to do, and how i have to keep some things, and chnage others....and i havnt even strated to think about ym masters degree that i will be starting soon either.
i wish that i could just sleep one night and then maybe things may start to get better for me, and then hopefully, i will be able to put things into perspective
....my feet never touch the ground for five minutes at the moment...i am always so busy its untrue, and i am so tired as I cant sleep ever, and oh its just a bit too much of an oh.
so this weekend was the hen weekend...i would recommend paint-balling for anyone who enjoys getting very big bruises and lumps on various parts of their body. It is so painful its untrue, I was lucky as i am a whimp, and when my team talked tactics (too many men full of testosterone - oh yeah both Dav and Peter had members of the opposite sex on their hen/stag dos), my tactic was literally hide behind a tree as going infront of people with these guns was painful - i would be very crap in an army situation for sure.
the assault course was more to my taste - it was very hard but very fun, it was all about working together as a team, and it was really good, although the crawling under tunnels have left me with bruised and battered knees...sob sob, i hope that they go down soon.
then off to a campsite to shower and cahnge, and then into Richmond for a night on the very very very small yorkshire dale town. We went to an Indian restaurant (mrs Hepworth kindly paid for my meal), where i found out that one of Davs work colleagues was an exeter graduate at the same time i was - we get everywhere - i met one in Lesotho too! After this and when all the adults including granny has left we went to a club called the Fleece, and danced the night away. Luckily it was only Dav who we eventuall made do the scavenger hunt, and i didnt really want to tell my brother how well she did! It was a good night, and Harriet was planner extraordinaire, even gave us oarty bags with rather rude things in!
then we taxis it back to the barn where we had more wine and food, and danced on the benches, as Ed would put it "bastrad dancing", and at 3:30 a walk on one of the hills in the dales was suggested and so the ones who had not gone to bed went, and got very stung by stinging nettles on the way. by 5 i was eventually in bed, and at 10:30 i was having a bridesmaid dress ftting, where i was told i looked too brown 9my tan has faded loads too), and Rebecca the dress maker managed to exclaim (even your feet are brown). back to Richmond we went for a greasy lunch, and then everyone went home, aart from me, I went back to the Hepworths I had another dress fitting yesterday and finally arrived home yesterday evening - Peter kindly waited for me after work, and collected me from Kings cross station!
Today I have been shopping for the weddings, for shoes and bags (i have horrid shoes for Peter and Davs wedding, so got very pretty ones for the reception), shoes for James and Ellas wedding, my pashmina/scarf thing, and wrapping paper for the pressies. I also got Peter and Dav their present - i got off the list...
but only one more day here then I am off to Hull...i am so tired. I am not sleeping at all and its getting me really down, and so i have got some sleeping herbal stuff, so that I can at least try and get a good nights sleep. am tryin to find out how we get to the accomodation we at from Hull station - this will be fun, my sense of direction s not to be desired.
i just dont know whether i am coing or going at the moment. I still havnt had a chnace to finish my Lesotho diary, and to think about what has happened to me over the last five months - and a lot has happened, and i really need to think about it all, and see what was nd wasnt my fault, and what i have to do, and how i have to keep some things, and chnage others....and i havnt even strated to think about ym masters degree that i will be starting soon either.
i wish that i could just sleep one night and then maybe things may start to get better for me, and then hopefully, i will be able to put things into perspective
Thursday, July 21, 2005
I am quite scared...
...and i think justifiably...on saturday i have a hen night, for Dav (Peter - my brothers fiance), and i knew that we were going to be paint-balling,and doing an army assault course (this is an assault on my bank-balance!), but i didnt know about this until five minutes ago when I innocently checked my email:
SCAVENGER HUNT
Drink a shot with each colour of the rainbow
Blag a free drink from the barman
Kiss a man’s bald spot and leave lipstick marks
Obtain a pair of boxer shorts
Get a photo of you behind the bar
Find the guy with the weirdest thing in his pocket
Get a guy to serenade you
Get five men’s business cards
Get a photo of you with a redheaded guy
Request Agadoo from the DJ
Dance with a married man
Have a guy give you a picture of his girlfriend
Get a guy to give you a piggy back
I did a find the lost sheep on camp in Lesotho, but that was more like finding a fisherman, or a nun, or a baby, or a taxi man....this however is a bit more daunting, and I am quite scared! oh well...am going to buy some hen night stuff tomorrow then, Alex (Dav's sister) has got some stuff, and makes me feel quite bad that I havnt!
hmm....am finding England quite strange...like when i went to the pub the other night (complete light-weight now, one glass of wine and I am gone), i felt guilty about having a drink, and I know thats more me then it is England, but our culture is a lot more lets meet and have a drink, rather then lets just meet which is what it was in Lesotho. and i know that maybe i should not do the endless comparisons, but hey its all I can think about. I miss all the small little things, like just having people call me Ausi Nthabiseng, and giving Rarisen and Khotatso a cuddle, and seeing little baby Josefa, who if i could have taken, would be right here with me now. I just feel guilty about giving myself a pamper, i managed 4 and a bit months wothout it, so why do i change now. Obviously there are things that I do enjoy again, like having instant contact with people (have had some very good chats with people), and seeing my nan, and having the freedom to drive, but then I miss the tranquility I did have in the evenings (when i wasnt worrying myself stupidly about whether people will still like me at home, and whether people will accept me back), and just the huge amount of time that I spent with God out there, and having 4 other girls in the room to pray with when i needed it. That is a huge change, and I really miss that fellowship that we built with each other, that was amazing.
oh well...
what started off as an Im scared about the hen-night post, as I am cos I am nto used to doing things like this anymore, and I just cant take drink, has turned into something very deep - obviuosly, a lot needed to come out, and there is still a lot more in there.
...and i think justifiably...on saturday i have a hen night, for Dav (Peter - my brothers fiance), and i knew that we were going to be paint-balling,and doing an army assault course (this is an assault on my bank-balance!), but i didnt know about this until five minutes ago when I innocently checked my email:
SCAVENGER HUNT
Drink a shot with each colour of the rainbow
Blag a free drink from the barman
Kiss a man’s bald spot and leave lipstick marks
Obtain a pair of boxer shorts
Get a photo of you behind the bar
Find the guy with the weirdest thing in his pocket
Get a guy to serenade you
Get five men’s business cards
Get a photo of you with a redheaded guy
Request Agadoo from the DJ
Dance with a married man
Have a guy give you a picture of his girlfriend
Get a guy to give you a piggy back
I did a find the lost sheep on camp in Lesotho, but that was more like finding a fisherman, or a nun, or a baby, or a taxi man....this however is a bit more daunting, and I am quite scared! oh well...am going to buy some hen night stuff tomorrow then, Alex (Dav's sister) has got some stuff, and makes me feel quite bad that I havnt!
hmm....am finding England quite strange...like when i went to the pub the other night (complete light-weight now, one glass of wine and I am gone), i felt guilty about having a drink, and I know thats more me then it is England, but our culture is a lot more lets meet and have a drink, rather then lets just meet which is what it was in Lesotho. and i know that maybe i should not do the endless comparisons, but hey its all I can think about. I miss all the small little things, like just having people call me Ausi Nthabiseng, and giving Rarisen and Khotatso a cuddle, and seeing little baby Josefa, who if i could have taken, would be right here with me now. I just feel guilty about giving myself a pamper, i managed 4 and a bit months wothout it, so why do i change now. Obviously there are things that I do enjoy again, like having instant contact with people (have had some very good chats with people), and seeing my nan, and having the freedom to drive, but then I miss the tranquility I did have in the evenings (when i wasnt worrying myself stupidly about whether people will still like me at home, and whether people will accept me back), and just the huge amount of time that I spent with God out there, and having 4 other girls in the room to pray with when i needed it. That is a huge change, and I really miss that fellowship that we built with each other, that was amazing.
oh well...
what started off as an Im scared about the hen-night post, as I am cos I am nto used to doing things like this anymore, and I just cant take drink, has turned into something very deep - obviuosly, a lot needed to come out, and there is still a lot more in there.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
finding a wedding outfit...
...is not as simple as you would think. There are lots of nice clothes on the market at the moment, dont get me wrong, but they are all very casual - tops you would wear with jeans to a pub kindof outfit, not going to a wedding kindof outfit, and when you want to look nice but smartish also, its very hard to find something suitable. Well I have fiunally gotton myself a dress from Monsoon - iys not a ball dress dont worry, its kindof a nice summer dress, with 60's stylee purple flowers on it - it looks much nicer then i have just described it...and i also got a hat to go with it - that was my mums doing - try it on she kept on saying, and i kept on resisiteing saying that I look awful in hats, but then i put it on, and it looked ok, and so she basically forced me into buying a hat! just have to get a shawl/pashmina type thing to match it now, for when it gets cool in the evening/or if its a cooler day, and to cover up my shoulders in the church (dress is a halter neck)...oh yeah and bags and shoes...
was also warned by my brothers fiance that when I have my dress fitted for their wedding, i MUST wear the underwear that I will be wearing on the day, so teh dress can be fitted around it...which meant more shopping!
but my outfit for James and Ella's wedding has my nans approval (she has good taste has my nan), and so I am happy!
...is not as simple as you would think. There are lots of nice clothes on the market at the moment, dont get me wrong, but they are all very casual - tops you would wear with jeans to a pub kindof outfit, not going to a wedding kindof outfit, and when you want to look nice but smartish also, its very hard to find something suitable. Well I have fiunally gotton myself a dress from Monsoon - iys not a ball dress dont worry, its kindof a nice summer dress, with 60's stylee purple flowers on it - it looks much nicer then i have just described it...and i also got a hat to go with it - that was my mums doing - try it on she kept on saying, and i kept on resisiteing saying that I look awful in hats, but then i put it on, and it looked ok, and so she basically forced me into buying a hat! just have to get a shawl/pashmina type thing to match it now, for when it gets cool in the evening/or if its a cooler day, and to cover up my shoulders in the church (dress is a halter neck)...oh yeah and bags and shoes...
was also warned by my brothers fiance that when I have my dress fitted for their wedding, i MUST wear the underwear that I will be wearing on the day, so teh dress can be fitted around it...which meant more shopping!
but my outfit for James and Ella's wedding has my nans approval (she has good taste has my nan), and so I am happy!
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