work....something I do usually between 9:30-6:30 monday to friday...not this week. I have worked gone 7 most days, on friday I was in the office until 8, and I worked for 7 hours yesterday - yes on a Saturday...it is just wrong, and I do not get paid enough to do it, but hey ho, it has to be done.

Today, I was singing which is something that many people know I love to do...I was singing for the Petts wood residence associationb service, raising money from Bromley Alzeimers care trust. Now, most people know that dementia has effected our family greatly, and really upset me seeing my grandad deteriorate in the way that he did. It was hard listening to the talk, but it was an informative talk. It was good that Bach (when we sang the Passion at Easter) raised £2000 for them, and I hope the selling of the CD and the collection today also raise a lot of money for the trust and the cause, as it is well deserved. The singing went down really well, and I was happy with that...with only 3 altos - we sang well!

Now, i may have trouble attracting eligible men, but old ladies are a different matter...the number of elderly ladies that talked to me after the service today was silly. The number of times I was told I would make a good wife/daughter in law/mother (?), and how they would like a grand-daughter like me was silly, verging on embaressing. I know that many of them are lonley, and I do chat to them, but some of their statements do make me laugh. It was good as always having a chat with Chris and Sarah who help me put things into perspective, and have become dear friends recently...and yes it is true what Sarah says - life is not always easy and we muct battle on...well battle on I will try and do, but it is hard at the moment...

may have some good news soon, but I really don't want to jinx it.

am tired, and a bit stressed. but trying to remain positive - it is hard sometimes though.

this week my average time of leaving the office, I guess would be 7...I am not enjoying my 9 hours in the office - i have some very tight deadlines for the conference that I am organising, but hey...hopefully it will all be worth it...this time in two weeks we will be at the conference banquet.

today i have also re-started my running. last year i was beginning to be able to do some good distances, and i am trying to get better, and improve my health, physically and mentally, and so I am starting my running again. I really enjoyed it, but I have seen a decline in my stamina, and do that needs to be improved again....my next aim is to run more often and improve that

it helped me tonight as i was particularly stressed...i was invited to the pub...but i decided to do some pro-active rather then drink my sorrows...have i turned a leaf? I don't know...not really when i go to bed teary, but hopefully the running will help that

i am currently suffering from a little bit of insomnia which is not very good - it is making me tired and tearful, and i don't like it, and would rather wish it would go away so that I could actually get one night of decent sleep. Life is hard at the moment - my mood seems to be the lowest it has been for a long time, I am teary, and just have no energy to do the simplest of tasks, which is just not like me. I am becoming increasingly apathetic about everything, and I don't want to be like this. Work is becoming something of a chore rather than something I used to really enjoy. I has a little smile on my face for a bit yesterday when the choir reformed again, but apart from that, I am becoming more insular, internalising things, and just generally feeling shit.

I really need to sleep.

well, work got me very stressed this week - so stressed in fact that I have been averaging about 3 hours a sleep a night, and am losing my appetite. On one day this week, I survived a day on a carrot, a stick of celery and chunk of cucumber and a slice of bread...not the best I know. My mood is dropping at a great rate. Nigel noticed, and so he invited me to Cambridge this weekend...I went up after work last night (which was real good, as I found out a few days earlier from Ben, that he was singing then too - so we went to go and see him - he was v surprised to see me, and I got a big hug). Nigel and his partner Julia did a brilliant de-stress job for me...we had many a cocktail, then some wine, then got a take-away curry, and had some great chats. This morning they took me out in Cambridge to see some of the colleges, we had some great hot chocolates, and then we met up with the head of the LSRC who is on career-break and went to Zizzi's for some yummy food. Nigel then kindly drove me back to the station, where I then made my way to church as I had been asked to appear at the welcome new members of parish evening.

on thursday at out church, 49 young people got confirmed - it was a beautiful evening, and I cried a lot of the way through the service...seeing them all get confirmed really strengthened my idea of a re-dedication service, and Fr B is really helping me with this. The Bishops homily was spot on, Jeremiah 29:11, something really helping me in a lot of situations at the moment. there is something about singing venne sancte spiritus that gets me every time, and makes me hugely excited about going to Taizé again this summer - a great place for everyone to go, whether they are happy with their faith or not (or not even religious at all). It helped me incredibly last year, and I am thinking about going for 2 weeks this year, so I can really build upon some new things happening with me at the moment.

On wednesday I met up with Ben after his opera school, fell asleep in his flat on his couch, and so that was a very strange thursday morning/during the night, when I did not recognise where i was when i woke up! very strange...but he was very sweet about it - thankfully. It is not something that I hope to make a habit of...the shower was rubbish in the morning!

I am also flat hunting/flat-share hunting as I am getting stressed at home, becomineg more insular, and not happy.

so it is all rather busy at the moment, and i am tired. Fr B is being very supportive, a fact that I am very happy about, and he is going to help me with the senior youth group when we start it soon, to keep those who have just been confirmed interested in the church still

short post
Have been very tired...work has been super stressful, just so much to do, it seems never ending...
also, have been doing loads of reading...flat hunting....sorting out my finances....church stuff.

just been having a lot of stuff to do, have been stressed, and having stress reactions, but all is improving!
and good weather too!

take care, hope your weeks are going well

i am glad that the sun has decided to show itself...about time.
I was talking to a friend of mine who works in mental health the other day, and she said something that has got me thinking, and I have been doing some internet research, and it has got me a little upset/concerned you may say. just another thing to think about.

work is super busy, I will be so glad when the conference I am organising is done...I have been working on it for over a year now, so it all should run smoothly - my boss seems to think that I am organising it well...i can cover things up quite easily.

continuous headaches and tiredness just seem to be the norm at the moment...plus doing lots of church stuff...which is fun but tiring.

Got the CDs of the SJP we did this weekend - it is quite funny listening to it again...am very much looking forward to hear Bens reaction to it. According to Ben, I speak nasally, and he should know because (as he was saying this, his head was exploding) he is a voice expert - oh la-de-dah! and what did he offer to get me for my birthday....speech therapy. cheeky bastard...apparently I will get a good teacher...guess who that will be!

another evening, another concert - it was very good...and luckily another free ticket! hurrah! ben sang great again...he was quite pleased with how it went...but witnessing groupies at work is something so scary...was quite funny walking very fast away afterwards to try a lose them...a nice meal was had after...including sword fights with chop-sticks, thumb wars and laughing happened. being childish is good fun....

anyways, am quite tired, and must sleep!

so it has been just over a week...a lot has happened
I have turned 25! i spent a quiet eve with my family - going out for a meal, and having a good drink! that was really pleasant...work were lovely as per usual, and I have been meeting up for drinks with other people, to have a quick celebration, but more of a natter really.

i have been down to brighton on an away day with work...we went down on wednesday afternoon after a morning in the office, and came back on thursday evening, after a 7 hour team meeting (which i only dozed off in once). we got a lot discussed, has a good meal, played with Marisol's children (I played a trumpet), stayed in a great hotel and did a lot of laughing

at the weekend i helped at a confirmandi youth ministry weekend, with 30 of the children who will be confirmed in two weeks time. this was tiring but worthwhile, and it was a nice sunny day that helped (however, I was disturbed by many comments)...after i walked over to daves to have a chat, and then went to sit in a nice beer garden with Chris, Sarah and Dave to chat and joke...

sunday was church, followed by the near purchasing of our SJP performance CD, but I did not have enough cash, and they did not accept cards - i had to reserve two, as ben wants one, and one he shall have, having sung most of it for us! the rest of the afternoon was spent, napping, listening to music and sorting out photos

Monday - was work again - i was kanckered but had lots to do, and luckily as the office was very quiet - i got lots done. i have also made some plans for friday that I am quite happy about which should be good fun. i also finished another Austen - Mansfield Park - and it was an excellent book...love Austen with a passion. the eve finishhed with a flurry of texts, a listen to Nick Drake and quite a sleepless night.

today, hilarities in the office ensued, work was busy, but i still had fun...and have had a relaxing eve as the end of the week is busier then the beginning, but I am quite excited by it all.

well, that has condensed it all slightly, but hey - take care all of you
xx

Update: Concert good - choir good, soloists good, music good! so all in all I had a good evening. went out for a few drinks after which was nice, and ended up going home with a bouquet of flowers that are now in the lounge! am glad that a ticket was reserved for me, as it was a really good spot, near the front and in the middle, so I had a good view...it was just a good evening all round.

with my impending turning of age this week - i am making a concerted effort to become more cultural and grown up - so today i am going to a choral concert in Sy Johns, Smith square...btu my day has just got better, as I have just been left a message that a ticket has been purchased for me, and I just have to ask for it when i turn up! good news indeed! and just for clarification...does my voicemail sound like i have swallowed a tank of helium?

and I am going to Brighton on a work away day this week..so my effort to become more cultural may have a day off, as Nigel is planning an evening of fun! oh yeah!

Saturday was a bit of a disappointment in Zosia world - I tidied my room, and did a lot of reading, and in the evening was doing some long distance consoling for somebody who thought they were unable to run the marathon...

However, Sunday was a lot better. I was awoken by an early text message - with good news, that my friend could run the marathon after all - they would let him register for his number that morning. I was always going to watch it as I knew 4 people running this year...and so up to town in a more jubilant mood. I got a really good spot - right at the front at 400 m to go...I saw the wheelchair race end, I saw the elite men and women....I saw Gordon Ramsey...I saw Will, then later I saw Jonathan, and them much later I saw Ben, I didnt see Tim! Jon heard my cheer (I have a good pair of lungs to get heard over the rest of the crowd)...Ben didnt hear my cheer I dont think, but he was smiling through the pain...to think he was singing in a concert last night also...

It was an amazing day, so motivating...makes me want to try and apply for next year, and also has motivated me to take up my running again for certain. Cheering people on was great fun, and watching other runners motivate other runners was really good. these people tested themselves and raised thousands for charity - it was incredibly humbling even. I chatted to people to the left and right to me, let people share my umbrella, and was offered many a mint humbug by elderly ladies!

I was also on phone contact with Nigel from work who was trying to spot me on the telly, and telling me who was where and to spot them - this was funny.

so, i am going to take up my training again, and see what happens, who knows it may improve my mood.

yeah, and today, back to work...but now I am watching one of my favourite dvds to cheer myself up, as something has happened today that upset me incredibly....oh well....

this week has been quite emotional for me. Over the past few months stuff has happened to me, and I have been keeping it quiet from someone important - until this week, when I told them. and just as I thought, they were great about it, let me cry about it, and just still be there for me, and for that I am very thankful. what a dear friend they have become, and I am so happy for that - when i have lost all faith in myself, they have been there...but they respect me, and I thank them for that most of all. I dont like being played like a fool, so yeah...it has made me subdued, as I have been having to face up to realisations, and it has involved a lot of tears and still is causing a lot of pain...

...and on top of that work has been super stressful, but also, great. my team look after me, and treat me well, and today, not for the first time, I was called their ray of sunshine - even when i was having a bad day. i love my team...

and yeah, i have a few friends running the marathon this weekend- good luck to you all, and i will be there to cheer you on, and hopefully see you at the end.

hello
well, this year I managed the Easter Tridium, no ambulance trip into a &e this good friday! it was very good to have made it, and what a remembrance of what we actually believe in. I was reading at the Sunday service, so i went to that too! the week at work has been busy and chilled all at once, but lots of laughs so that is good. The conference planning is coming along well, and yeah.
in zosia world, well things are going on...some good some bad, and am in a process of double guessing things which is really hard, and so I am turning to God a lot, which is good to be sure, but I dont want to be double guessing things.
so, yeah, normality proceeds then

good news! my presentation went really well. people have already emailed us, asking for our presentation to be sent to them, and also wanting to cite our work (although it hasnt officially been published yet, due to its controversial nature, and the need for a follow up). So it was good. The bad thing was I was out of my depth, as I know nothing about law...so when it came to the conference dinner (in Manchester Town Hall - was very posh), I was happy when I was seated near the band, as they were on my level, and very friendly, and, later I went out into Manchester with them!

My journey up to Manchester was awful, my journey back to the office was much better - i did all I had to do, then went home to Washing of the feet Mass, and today, I have just come back from Good Friday Mass, and it is now raining like it hasd not rained before for a long time - lovely!

Very exciting things are happening at the moment...but as per usual a bank holiday weekend - the cold comes...as someone told me...its your bodies way of telling you that you are tired...so true!

have a blessed Easter everyone

Bach went soooo well this weekend! Just amazingly. On saturday we had the first performance in the evening, and this was also the first time we had sung it through completely with the orchestra and the soloists. And i cried...it was so moving. Bach's interpretation in St John's passion is just so good. Sunday night was however, even better...just amazing. Our choir was formed 10 weeks ago...of people who had not even sung this type of music before. The soloists could not believe it, the audience could not believe it.

I am so glad that I got involved in the project - not only did it challenge me vocally, but it also challenged me spiritually and emotionally. Being teary and trying to sing is hard. But the buzz I had when we had finished was just so incredibly amazing.

and an added bonus was that I managed to have a good long chat with our special soloist - the ex G4 man Ben, and my priest was laughing at me a lot...but then was later encouraging flirting! oh dear. But the photographer came at a good moment to get this shot:

As you can see it was a little impromptu - it was more like a come here there is a camera infront of us, shot - but I still like it.

This was 10 minutes before we went out to sing...and it was nice to see that even professionals suffer from nerves.

I want to publicly thank my priest Fr Bryan Wells for persuading me to do this, and challenge and push me in such a way. I really thank him!

just to say, Bach is going really well - our rehearsal today was really good, so there is hope for next week when we perform.

all else, this last week has been a hard week - i have been forced to talk about issues, and think back over a) in one conversation the last 10 years of my life, and b) in another conversation the last 8 months of my life...both were hard, and not very nice conversations which have left me in a little turmoil as to what to do now, next and in the future...and how to cope and even begin to understand why things have happened

lets see what this week brings up..

but here is a photo of good times:

This is Karl, Dave and I on our trip to Switzerland over the new year. Beautiful scenary, great friends, and lots of laughing happened that day...as well as snowball fights, and a good pub visit in the evening.

This was a good time...

a few more things that I had forgotton to mention. Last weekend we had family from the USof A over which was really cool (i had to leave for over 2 hours for my Bach rehearsal), but some of the family I had never even met before, including the cutest little 5 1/2 year old Lily! I absolutely LOVED being called Auntie Zosia all day - it was amazing fun. Just playing with her, and colouring in, and introducing her to all my cuddly toys...and then there was the tickling! It was so much fun...my brothers at the end of the day kept on asking just how little kids want to play with me all the time! I dont know!

obviously - there is the Bach Sy Johns passion I am involved in. If anyone who reads this lives in my area then come along - Saturday the 15th its in the URC church, and Sunday the 16th its in my Parish church. and if you want any more incentive, the main evangelist is someone who used to be in G4 - i know that doesnt sound really cool, but for a little church production - we are pretty pleased about it.

and finally - can we pray for my church...not only are we doing the Bach - but I am involved in getting a senior youth group going for when the 50 teenages get confirmed they still have some faith formation available to them, and I am also trying to get a 20's-30's eccumenical group going also. I have a lot of support from my priest who is so encouraging, but prayer is needed to help this all happen!

well, we shall see what happens....

eek!
i shall soon be presenting MY research at a professional conference - eeek! very scarry but very exciting...i say my research - i mean a co-project that i researched for and co-wrote with a member of my team at work..but yeah - all very exciting!

that's about it really. am desigining a new leaflet for work - its nearly done - we had a mini photo shoot at work today - it was bizarre but funny!

um, not much else to report at the moment...am maybe getting some church stuff underway...and the Passion of St John by Bach is coming along nicely, although it is the most challenging piece of music I have ever sung!

so, as I said, I am going to do a little blog of my little eastern european travels.
the holiday started on the friday night, with how many travels with Dave and Karl start, trying to sleep at a transport terminus...this time Luton airport. On the Saturday morning we had a very early check in and flight to Berlin....and we arrived in a tram/bus/underground strike...making the trip to our hostel difficult but not impossible. some street trampelining, and a long walk via churches later, and during a snow flurry we reached the Brandenburg gate...
several tours of the city were undertaken....including the third reich tour, the red communist tour, and a tour of the local regal town Potsdam. An evening with Esther who we met in Geneva happened - it was great, we all talked about our testimonies, a real bond. We also met with Corinna. I did some stuff on my own - like the Catholic cathedral, a bombed church in West Berlin, the Berlin Dom, and many other Berlin buildings - including the synagogue. I was mastering the German underground and over ground systems. We all went to check-point charlie, and we all walked up and down the remaining sections of the Berlin wall. The history behind berling in fascinating, it is like the city will never learn....i personally found the city quite bleak, but it was the history i admired.

an overnight coach journey, and then we arrived, once again in the very early hours of another city -Krakow - an emotional city for me...ot had been 9 years since my last visit to Poland. A mastering of the tram system, and the use of my Polish meant we arrived at the hostel safely. then an exploration of Krakow occurred, and an opportunity for me to go to Mass too. we saw the openning of the altar, and many many many other churches - every other building seemed to be a building of religious significance. we went to Wawel castle and cathedral (2 minutes away from the hostel), and a bottle of wodka later, we went out for dinner with another person we met in our hostel, and played pool, and i sustained a head injury (thanks to Karl). during our time in Poland, we went to Auschwitz and Birkenau. It was so very sad - still unbelievable as to what occurred - and the size of Birkenau is just crazy - and to think that over half of it has already been pulled down. I mean - just crazy. Standing in the gas chamber brought shivers down my spine - i mean, the number of people that lost their life in that room - it was just awful. not so much of a happy day, but a day that means that when seeing such a place, hopefully something of this scale cannot and should not happen again. that evening we met with some of Daves friends from England, who most certainly do not know how to treat a woman. Dave locked us out of our hostel (Karl and I) that evening, and no matter how much poo Karl threw at the window, he was not to be woken...so some, Krakow middle of the night, and sun-rise later, we found a bar called tequila - so what did we drink at 7 am - you guessed it! we certainly paid for it later in the salt mines....

....an overnight train journey to Prague (having met my relative at the station), and you guessed it, another early morning arrival in another city...Prague greated us with very very cold weather. we had a tour of the city, and then washed and cosied ourselves up to do more Prague discovery, before finding a yummy restaurant - and a much deserved sleep. the next day was the church, cathedral, castle of Prague, and dinner, and the last day was tv tower, mozarts residence, a dancing building and last minute eiffeling of things, before the airport, and home....to in a break of tradition, a late night arrival at Gatwick.

It was a good holiday...I was emotional for some of it...due to various things that happened before and during the holiday - but all the different histories that we heard, saw and discussed were very interesting, and the two boys were just lovely. they do have respect for a woman and i appreciated that for the whole time i was out there.

it will now be a very long time before i have a next holiday (most probably be Taizé this summer), but 4 countries in the space of a month has been good enough for me...although I do want to go further afield - india will be great, as would china, and now obviously NZ...so much i want to do and see...we shall see.

travelling unleashes something in me...a sense of discovery, not just of my surroundings, but of myself. I was surpised that I did so much stuff on mine own, and that I had the courage to speak to random people in languages i have not spoken in a long time. it gave me a sense of I can do things, but also highlighted my weaknesses, and what I really must battle with. But most importantly, it highlighted the joy that my travel Bible and prayer book can bring in times of need.

so, berlin, krakow and prague have now all been ticked off - more will be said about that soon - today's post has a special message. holiday with the boys was great - i love them both dearly as friends, which is why these last few days have been hard, as today Karl flew back out to New Zealand. I am sad. i thought that Friday was going to be my last night to say goodbye, so we went out, and Dave gave karl and I some time at the end of the night to say goodbye. we hugged, a close tight hug, and we didnt want it to end. i gave him my card, and hugged again - and before i cried infront of him, i got back into daves car when the tears came.

but then, last night, i had just out the last fork of my tea into my mouth, and a phone call happened. Chris, Sarah, dave and I were going to spend his last night with him. we went out, and he said thanks to us all for everything (i tried hard not to cry), another long hug, and a see you later, and that was it...

I heard from him from the air port this morning...he got to check in on time, and that was good news, and we are keeping in touch, and I have assured him, I am going to do all I can to get myself better.

Can we pray that he finds a job and a home in NZ, and he also finds a new church to join, where he feels welcomed, and that he uses God in all the decisions that he makes.

It just means that when i have the funds and the holiday accrued, I am just going to have to make my way to NZ, where I know that I have someone to welcome me and show me around. I will miss him as God provided him at a time when everything else was not looking so positive in my life, and we talked candidly about God, relationships and everything in between in an open manner which i really appreciated.

but, there are many more new people for me to get to know. I am doing more things with different churches so I hope to meet more new people, but hopefully not many more from the other side of the world as I hate saying goodbye to people, and especially when they live so many time zones away!