After having met with a Taize friend for a gin and tonic last night, I realised I had said that I would write about Taize in Rotterdam, but I have not...until now!
so on the 27th of december, i make my way to victoria station to meet friends, and unknown people (who had contacted me) to get the eurolines bus to rotterdam. a wine drinking ferry crossing ensued, a moody dutch coach driver, and a two hour earlier then planned arrival meant that about 12-15 very tired people from the uk landed at rotterdam central metro at 4 in the morning.
when the metro opened we made our way to the English welcome point, to be welcomed in that cheery manner by brother Matthew "oh great Zosia - you're here". we had our usual tortuous Taize welcome (when you have sat through many - they are very tortuous)we were given our host churches. I volunteered to work (having worked out that for one meal this means not having to stand in the food queue for an age), and off to the host church I travelled. On arrival - we were the first group to get there, we found out we would all be hosted by a family - it was a Praise the Lord moment. My host family this year spoke dutch and spannish - i do not speak dutch and spannish, and neither did Licy, a friend I travelled with. luckily we meet Baiba - a lithuanian english and spannish speaking girl who wanted to live with us and who had the same job as us! Our host 'Oma' looked after her granddaughter Nella - a girl we grew to love, and who I deeply missed. Nella was 14, but had the mental age of a 5 year old - she called us her sisters...she was a beautiful hearted young girl.
We got to the host house, we welcomed with delicious choco milk and croissants, set up camp, and showered. the flat was in a dodgy suburb or rotterdam, was smalll but homely - we were very happy.
we made our way to Ahoy - the place where Taize was beign held to go to our job...I was working for Steve, a taize friend of 4 years now...we had said that we would look out for each other at meal distribution, but to work for him was a bonus. food served, and job done (my job was to stop people entering the food hall the wrong way, and to make sure people did not take food out of the eating halls), and to evening prayer we went...Taize prayer with so many people - beautiful! we made our way back to the host mothers, and fell into bed - knackered.
Mornings at european meetings you spend in your host parish - we had taize morning prayer - but the pianist played the chants so fast it was so funny. after that, i realised this is where my real job would be - helping out with the music in the parish. so when the animators were having their morning meeting, I helped the pianist learn the chants at the speed they were to be played, got a few singers learning the parts, and hey presto morning prayer music improved. Aftet morning prayer, we had small sharing groups. I have to say my group this year was amazing - shared so much, and had a laugh and a giggle at the same time. After our sharing groups, we then said goodbye to Nella, and made out way to Ahoy for lunch and mid-day prayer. on the second day, i found Fr jerry from the summer, and so we sat with him for the rest of the prayers for the meeting - as he is just an amazing priest and person and was one of the people of the meeting for me. One evening prayer, Fr Jerry helped carry a disabled person to the Taize cross so they could venerate it - my meagre help was carrying the wheel chair after them). it was an incredible moving thing to see, and has us both in tears. after mid-day prayers, the various work shops begin. I went to one work shop about a lady from Rotterdam who was taken, and eventually died at Auscwitz, and on the second day i took some time out with my friend jack to explore Rotterdam a little bit (a weird city, as the majority of it was completely destroyed in the Rotterdam blitz in the second world war). Obviously, we then had our evening work which was a great place to work as everyone had to walk past you, so I got to see so many taize friends, including a very good friend of mine Koen - who I sat with and sang with through evening prayer - it is always good to see him. Having been in a summer small group with him two years ago we have kept in touch and we can talk in such depth for such a long time!
New years eve was slightly different. after mid-day prayer we had our country meeting, so we went to the church designated for english speakers to meet with dearest frere Paolo...who then got us lost on the way back to Ahoy for the afternoon prayer...this prayer was deliciously lovely as it was the festival of light service. 30,000 people praying by candlelight - you cannot beat it. tearful!
after this prayer (Nella and Oma always came to Ahoy for evening prayer) we went back to our host family for a meal that they had prepared for us (I did have to inform Oma that being a vegetarian meant that I did not eat chicken)...and then back to our host parish for the prayer vigil for peace, a prayer walk to the partnered Catholic church, for the celebration of new year! The Dutch go crazy for fireworks - unbelievably so!! I had some gin with me, started the new year by congratulating one of the hosts on their preganancy...they were not pregnant (she took it very well, and has since become a very good friend) and then splling lemonade in the church. However, all was redeemed when the UK stepped up first in the festival of nations, singing Amazing Grace, then unleashing on an unexpecting audience Lady GaGa meets Rotterdam, followed by a resounding victory for "If you're Taize and you know it".
Well fed, and well entertained, 2011 had started very well. a fire working dodging walk home, nothing could have prepared us for the tear fest that was new years day. morning prayer was great...by this time, singing and playing in the parish had muched improved, and after the service the pilgrims showed our appreciation in a marathon clapping, whooping and feet stamping session - leaving the host parish in floods of tears - and then that sets everyone else off. the pastor then adapted the reading to send us pilgrims away with a message of hope from Rotterdam. Oma and nella were so hard to say good bye to. tears everywhere. Our host church had made a buffet out of an immense amount of food, and then one by one the pilgrims left. The Uk were the last to leave, after having a version of the chant 'Let all who are thirsty' recorded, resulting in yet more tears.
We had 8 hours before our coach left...find a pub was our plan. Rotterdam central was shut!! then we found a pub with a few people inside, but doors looked. Seeing us in our pilgrim hoodies they let us in (not knowing that the number was going to grow) and we purchased drinks. It basically turned out that we had crashed a Dutch singers private new years day function for his friends and family, but they welcomed us Taize pilgrims openly, and they seranaded us when we had to leave to catch our coach!
The coach journey on the way back had limited sleep once again, but a jollier coach driver who kept us entertained...we were at the front of the coach...and we arrived back to London victoria on the 2nd January at 7am!!! A train home, and I was back...to be welcomed by my nephew matthew, and the news i could not go to bed, as there were people in it....so I waited to go to church (it being the feast of the epiphany) still wearing my pilgrim hoodie, and when I got home, I napped on the sofa, to be woken by the nephew "coca, its no nap time any more...play trains"

So that was the Taize experience for another new year!! bring on Berlin!! Rotterdam was great, but it was sad to come home to the news about Bishop Michael, and I ask if people could continue to hold him in their prayers...

so, turns out that the person felt a little guilty about not turning up when they had originally said they would, that they turned up completely unannounced outside my office on Friday afternoon about 5 minutes after I had left it. So, I waited for them to catch me up, and they had my attention for the 20 minutes that I had until I got to my old office as I was meeting with my old boss. A goodbye said, and that was relief - i felt relief.
It was absolutely brilliant to see my old boss again - just so good! It had been far too long since we had last met, so long, and we just had a laugh and a giggle and a great catch up. We went to an amazing bar in Pimlico where I was treated to some lovely fruit beer and a lovely glass of rose, a lot of banter and a lot of good memories. Just a lot of fun.
then this weekend I have been writing a presentation that I have to give tomorrow at a launch of a new interdisciplinary research centre openning at uni, i had a girly night with champers and chocs with some fabulous ladies, stayed over at my frieds, and then today has been church, choir, taize service planning and the continuation of presentation writing!
I am quite tired, but just have a sense of relief. maybe this was in God's hand after all

I have a problem - I seem to be too nice. Last night someone at last felt my wrath. As I said a few posts ago someone is going on mission, but they wanted a catch up before they left. Thursday night they asked...sure I said, I will have a quick drink with work and meet with you then. Time and place arranged, I made a good luck card and to work I went. Just about to leave work drinks, I rang to check if said person was at pub already...No, they decided not to come into town after all...and even better, they had decided not to tell me. Dick. Complete dick.
Luckily, work rallied round, purchased me gin, and let me rant.
On the train home a very close friend rang to see if I was ok...I explained the situation, and when I got off the phone, the train carriage gave me sympathy to the tones of "he sounds like a cock, the quicker you get rid of him the better". he got a full blown rant from me when I got in. I a not one to get angry often - I was fuming.
I am a mug. A mug that is too nice. I hate being treated like that. I have heard a few things this week that makes me think, has respect really been lost??

I will write about Rotterdam soon I promise, but at first I am asking for your prayers:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-12105289
this man gave me an unbelievable prayer experience in the summer...I have just come back from one amazing journey to find out that he is starting a rather sadder one. Keep Bishop Michael in your prayers
xx

Rotterdam for new year avec the Taize community!! wohoo! will be leaving in a few hours to meet with my dearest Licy and Charis, and potentially many others who will also be on the coach!
at 23:00 on the 31st December the prayer vigil for peace will begin, and that is how we will bring in the new year...followed by our festival of nations and a party! I am praying like anything for a host family...a nice bed, but an air mattress is packed just in case a community hall is what I get!
So hopefully good times will be had...4th year in a row now - that shows how good it is (previous years: Geneva, Brussels and Poznan!)
So I will wish you all a happy new year now! 2011 will be my year apparently! Santa failed to bring me my husband for Christmas...I am thinking he may have been delayed in the snow....
wishing you all a fabulous continuation of the Christmas season!
much love to you all
Zx

I always feel that a week before Christmas is a good time to be told by someone that even though we are beyond friendship and have a deep deep bond that they have not had with someone else, they have found someone else who could be perfect marriage material (even though they live in France, and they have actually known them for a long time), and that the man is going on mission abroad as well. I always feel that is what you need to hear to get you into that festive mood. It is what you need to be crying at work, at choir, in front of your priest...It really makes you feel so Christmassy.

What I have however learnt is to listen to work people who said I was being played the first time they met the person, and that I have gorgeous friends who ring me up at times when I most need it, who offer to give said person customer service hell, and for choir members who make me laugh, and do not mind if I turn up pissed to choir rehearsals (and a priest who does not notice, or who does not comment).

So i cant bloody wait until new year comes, when I can start out again, and find someone who does not think I am a mug, and I can choose someone who is not a prick, who will treat me like I should be treated and so i can finally be happy. the best thing is, I am going to Rotterdam with the Taize community - so I can bring in the new year praying for peace, not just in the world, but in my heart. I can celebrate a new year with many people and celebrating many nations, and with some good friends of mine.

so yes, this does all sound a bit bar-humbug. But can you blame me? timing is just great. I am trying no tears, but at the moment the even tiny things are setting me off - even writing this hurts me.

but the carol service at church should cheer me up - even if there is one carol that gets me when I sing it...oh bloody hell.
x

It is time for me to do my Papal visit update, as it has been just over a month, have done some thinking about the event, and yeah, just to give people an account of the event from my perspective.
the introduction to the event for me was a few months before the actual event as I had been chosen by my deanery to be the deanery youth co-ordinator for Bromley. So all the people in my position for Southwark diocese had a meeting at Archbishop House. We were given a training session about the day, about looking after the youth, and we talked about what we wanted to get out of the day. We also had the chance to meet and talk to Archbishop Peter Smith which was good.
In all honesty the time before the event, I hadnt given it much thought, I had been on holiday in Taize, taken some time out in Spain, and so when the week finally came and the media impact was going strong, it really hit. That week I had a meeting with the 7 youth I was looking after for the day - and they really and truly were a breath of fresh air - really excited about the day, happy they were chosen to go, and taking the opportunity to learn about their faith.

On the Saturday, I was up early for a Saturday - 5:30! I got everything together for the day and went down to my local station where I was meeting 5 of the youth - they all came on time for the train...and the other two came on at their stop also - I had them all, and we would get to the meeting point on time - good stuff. On the train I was trying to get a group photo, another passenger offered to take it for us, and seeing that we were all in our regulation Diocesan tops asked us what we were doing. The youth all looked at each other, so I said "we are going to see the Pope"...his response was "cool, have a great day. Its good to see people excited about it". I thanked him for that positive attitude, and he said that everybody was entitled to express their faith without other people having a say about it. Breathe of fresh air.
When we arrived into Victoria, I immediately bumped into a friend from another diocese which was a lot of fun, and then somebody else who recognised me from Taize. On the way down to our Diocesan meeting point I spotted a few more people I knew in other dioceses - it was lovely to bump into people I had not seen for a while, or who I just did not expect to find. When all the groups from the diocese where present, we made our way into the Cathedral Square, where we were sat near the lovely EA. We had quite a good seating spot, and we waited. It was very very cold sitting on the floor, but we dealt with it. Just before the celebration of Mass started, we had prayer outside to get us in the prayerful mmod - and we were quiet until the large screen outside the cathedral began to show images of the Pope making his way into the Cathedral - applause and cheers errupted.
The celebration of Mass was lovely, really special - a number of priests came out to distribute communion among us, and then it was the time we had all been waiting for. The Pope came out to talk to us. One diocesan youth gave a talk on behalf of us, and then the Pope spoke. To be honest it was quite hard to hear what was being said - but there was talk of finding time each day to find peace and silence to hear what God is saying to us, and listening to what God is calling us to do. When this was said, maybe I shouldnt say this - but it did remind me of the Taize philosophy and what Frere Roger has for us.
When this had ended, we were waiting for the square to empty, and I clocked Anne Widdicombe being interviewed. so when there was a lull in the crowd noise, I shouted "Anne, Good Luck on Strictly...how is the Cha Cha Cha". She looked over and saw people having a giggle and kind of pointing to me, and so she asked us all to vote for her, and then I shouted back "Give our love to Anton Du Bec" - and then we moved on.
A police escort from the Cathedral to Hyde Park occurred, where a few rubbish protestors tried to get the youth to leave the church, or tell them they were wrong to believe in God...but we just joined in with the Diocese of Northampton who were merrily singing "I you're Catholic and you know it clap your hands" - brilliant.
A collection of our picnic, our VIP passes, and then we made our way into the VIP area of hyde park. the atmosphere here was just amazing. the media has described this as similar to a Christian Glastonbury. the mood was just so happy - we were singing praise, praying, listening to the talks, meeting with friends (lots of Taize people - and seeing the EA people again was just lovely), and then all the Bishops came on. i was actually cheering for Bishop Michael of EA after the Taize experience I had, and the lovely card he sent me, and all the banners were going. Nick, who was holding the banner for my church heard me shout his name out, so he saw where I was stood.
When the Papal arrival was imminent the choir started singing some of the beautiful movements from the Messiah - moving moving music. And then the arrival - just chaos, excitement and cheering - I cannot really describe the atmosphere. What happened next just moved me to the extreme. I hyde park, 80,000 people knelt in prayer for adoration of the blessed sacrament. two Taize chants proceded the exposition, and then we all knelt in prayer. Tears flowed. Tell out my soul was the hymn being sung at the end when Nick came to find me to give me a huge hug, and my youth, who by then were calling me "mummy" were just smiling and moved by the whole thing. On the walk back to Victoria station, the youth were telling me how lucky they had felt to have been chosen for the day, that the experience was amazing, and they had never felt prayer like that before. I thanked the youth for the day - they had really made it so enjoyable for me. they were lovely, engaging, inquisitive, prayerful, joyous and just special. I was blessed to look after them - they really did make my day. At the station I met people from my Parish, and we chatted about the varying experiences, while we made our way home.
I got in late - I heard from all my youth that they had got home safely and thanking me for the day, and was very very tired.
I had a shower, a gin, some food, and then got everything I needed ready, and then headed back to church to get the coach to Birmingham.
I had no sleep on the coach - was just full of adrenaline still, and we arrived in Birmingham at about 4:30. It was at about 5:00 when we arrived at a rainy and still dark Cofton park. We set up the St James camp (we had our church banner with us), and sat and chatted to other people in the parish, and the people infront of us, who had me down as too cheery for somebody at this time of the morning. Watching the sunrise was lovely, and everything all started coming together when there was more light. At about 8, Boyce and Stanley came on to sing, and we were live on Radio 4 singing the old classics "Bread of Life" and the Magnificat. there was also a listening to the rehearsal of the choir that would be singing during the service, and then a procession of a ridiculous number of priests. I have never ever seen so many - I was just wondering who was celebrating at the various parishes that morning.
The rain stopped for the Pope's arrival. It was funny that beforehand, when it was raining and there was a blanket of unbrellas, an announcement came saying that during communion the priests would be seen as they would have an umbrella - for those of us who were awake this provided a giggle. But it had stopped raining, and there were many cheers.
The service was lovely - the beatification occurred, Pat from uni was doing the second reading, and we all had time to think and pray among about 60,000 other Catholics (I may have had a little doze during the homily - just a tiny one), but still, it was a lovely service.
At the end the rousing hymn got us all going, and we cheered even more when a husband of one of the parish members sent us a text to say that we had been spotted on BBC footage with the banner - hurrah! At the end I looked at my phone to see a missed call from James, as I had texted on my arrival asking if they had been allocated tickets, but thinking there would be no hope in finding them. However, I was wrong. With the use of our parish banner, their flag and good positioning of cameras, we spotted each other, and so i went down to see them. Having had James, Ella and the girls over for dinner just over a week before, and on their leaving said to them "see you in about a year", it was lovely to see them again. It was here I found out that Ella had juggled for the Pope - genius!
Back to the parish group - we ate our pic nics, and danced to the music coming from the stage, and having banner fun (how many situations could we get the banner photographed with), and as a parish we made our way back to the coach. Now during this time a lady who had come from my parish and I had many discussions. A few years ago I had a very teary service in church, and she came up at the end, and gave me a huge hug, chat and prayer, and I have never forgotten that simple gesture. We talked about relationships and loneliness and kind of giving up hope. She was saddened to hear that I was giving up hope on this, and was praying for me, and has continued ever since.
On the coach I cracked open a can of gin and tonic, toasted the Pope and the other parishoners who were travelling with me. We all had a laugh and a giggle and had experienced this journey together. Very very rarely do you get to see the sunrise and pray with other people in your parish, and share such a moment together. This was almost as important to me then the actual papal event - it is what I will remember and think about when I look back at the weekend.
On returning home, I was knackered, but still too excited to sleep. my little nephew was in when I got back so I had a play and a cuddle with him. I then sat down, and then all the adrenaline left, and tiredness hit. Having had no sleep since 5:30 am Saturday morning, it hit me, and at 9:30 I went to bed.

The visit was positive - very positive. I had a debrief with my kids a week later. they had all be so encouraged by it. One felt that she had never really been given the chance to publicly express her faith, and so expressing it with 3,000 other people her age was just a release for her. another had just had a brother return from 6 months duty in Afghanistan, and so had so much to be thankful for, and she had so much praise. The boys said it was something they would never forget, and had really kicked start their faith, and they all said they would not have changed the day for the world. and they all said they had gained another mum from it!

I had a great time - i really did. However, i dont know how much of it was down to the Pope being there, or how much was to do with being able to celebrate faith with so many people my age, seeing lots of friends, and spending time with people in my parish who I may not necessarily would have spent time with previously. the papal visit was the vehicle that let all this happen - but it should happen more frequently, and that is the feedback I have had from other people as well.

so there we have it - that was my papal weekend. lovely, special and fulfilling prayer wise. tiring but worth it. I would not have changed it for the world - the experience will be with me for a long long time.

I promise I will write about the Papal visit soon - I have had my debrief with the kids, I just need to do my own personal debrief...but it will be done shortly.

I am writing for a few things:

- most importantly, I would like to as for prayers for Bishop Michael of EA diocese...his health is not so good, and could do with them. Bishop Michael gave me the best prayer experience this summer in Taize, and listened to me, and welcomed me as part of EA...prayers for him would be fantastic.

- I would kind of like prayers for me. I am going through a down patch, and struggling to push my way out of it. Work is busy, moving but busy, but I am having that panic of I dont know whether I am good enough

- thirdly, another one of my closest friends is thinking about leaving to do mission for 2 years. I just dont think I can have any of my close friends go anymore. I rely on friends around me, more then people can imagine. Obviously I want them to do what they are being called to do, but I am being selfish, as I need my friends, and to be away for two years is just so upsetting.

sorry for a bleak post...

so tired - and will blog more about my weekend soon - but two days, 3 papal homilies, many friends met with, no sleep, lots of talking, lots of singing, lots of laughing, lots of praying - just amazing!
and the 7 bromley deanery youth I was in charge of - were just a pleasure! pure delights!
loved it!
"If you're Catholic and you know it, clap your hands!"

Dear Bloggers

I am going to write about my Taize experience for this year...so those who think I write too much about Taize may not want to read this post.
This year was the third year in a row that I have been to Taize for two weeks. I love going for more then one week - I find I get so much more out of the experience, and it gives time for my prayer time to develop, and more time to explore the real me without the complications of everyday life.

As with two years ago, my first week was spent with the Diocese of East Anglia, as I have many friends in that group - many of which were cemented this year through long discussions - especially regarding vocations - as one of my good friends has recently been ordained. The group is led by Bishop Micheal Evans - a Bishop who i grew to love and admire in that week - spending so much time with us - the youth, answering our questions, joining in with our jokes, and being the true shepherd - to us his sheep. One of my most powerful prayer experiences came in that week. I had a really hard day one day, and after evening prayer I had questions, anger, upset that I needed to get off my chest. So I went to talk to Bishop Michael who sits in church in the evening to hear confessions. I spoke to him about what I feel God is asking me to do with my life, the problems that I have in my diocese and parish, my loneliness, depression, self-harm and masks that I have developed over the years, and how that has had an impact on my relationship with God. He sat, listened, gave advice - told me to write to my Bishops quoting him, and when I was about to leave, he asked to pray for me. When he did, I felt a surge of love and warmth, my muscles went tingly, I felt I had lost control, and at the end without warning I just burst into tears. Not knowing what to do with myself - my legs felt heavy - I could not move, Bishop Micheal hugged me - such a grand fatherly hug - it was just a special moment - and one when I knew that the 'dirty southwarker' had been fully accepted into the East Anglia group. the week just improved from then on...We wrote a parody of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance - it becoming "Writing a Taize chant"...I ofetn find myself humming that from time to time. We were being taught about St John's Gospel in the 25-35 bible study group by Frere Emile, a brother I had last year who just personifies happiness and peace. The candle-lit service at the end of the week was tearful for my dearest friend Alicia and I, but we dealt with it, as we knew we had another week there.

My second week was when the group from my church and surrounding churches was arriving. There is now a solid core of us, with one or two new people each year - which sounds good, but there is scope for development. I was welcoming the adults on Sunday, in one of the biggest thunderstorms I have ever encountered - quite scary for somebody with a fear of thunderstorms. It was here when I welcomed a man naed Jerry from Ireland in 2 minutes - he had been there 22 times before - I am not one to patronise...and from that moment I became his favourite. As my job for the week was a welcomer - giving the chant books, and liturgy sheets at one of the doors to the church, every morning he would have saved a space for me to sit, and then give me a reassuring pat on the head when he went! It was only on the Saturday morning did I find out he was a priest, and then we had amazing chats as well! This week, I went to the 25-35 study again - it was being done by Fr Paolo this week - who came out with pearls of wisdom, such as "St Johns Gospel is like one of those nee ecological light-bulbs". But I also went to the Bible study for the second weekers, run by Frere Maxime, who started the session bu saying "I like talking about God and I like talking about food, so I am going to combine the two. And you can all understand French can't you, as you know that French is the language of God". During the week Frere Maxime spoke freely about many topics, about some of his life before becoming a brother, and some of his experiences about being a brother. When he told us about the impact of Frere Rogers death for him, it had me streaming. Frere Maxime also took us on a mini pilgrimage to a nearby town of Bray with a 12th century church...we did out bible study in the field, and les Anglais (licy and I) led the Taize chants in the church after having sung for the whole walk up! The week also was very vocation based, especially when somebody, who I had considered to be a close friend told me that becoming a mother was a waste of time, and I could do something better with my life. I discussed my vocation of motherhood with some of the brothers and some other close friends. I have a close friend who is training for the Anglican priesthood - who after evening prayer on day asked if I could go for a walk with him and a chat, as he needed to cry and needed someone to talk to. I have been in Taize with him for my last 4 times, but have never had this opportunity to talk to him so deeply. It was another special moment, and really confirmed a special relationship there, and this was confirmed when we had a leaving card for each other on our last day, and an almighty immense hug. Licy was my rock for the week, and we truly kept each other going. There were also some beautiful new chants being trialled - the English one just fills me with joy when I sing it - purely beautiful. I also met with my contact sister and had a long conversation with her about my year, how I had developed from my melt down the previous year, and what I was doing. On leaving she also gave me a beautiful card and rosary to help me continue in my spiritual development.

Daniel was also out that week. I thought this could have been awkward - but it wasnt. we found time to have our time to talk about the year and last few months, and how we were both developing in prayer and how our friendship was changing and growing, and how we can continue to help and encourage each other. I find it very easy to talk to him, and he likewise - I see a lot of me in him, and can empathise with some of what he has been through, which helps incredibly. We had a good chat by the Source and that was a good way to end the week.

Sunday Eucharist the day I left was another teary event. I always find leavign Taize quite hard - you develop a routine, you meet people, you have a greater sense of freedom, but when Fr Jerry came up to me to tell me what he thought of me, and how there was one person that always touches him in a visit, and how that was me this year - that was it - I was gone. Brother Matthew gave me a reprieve of not having to sit through this is how you welcome adults meeting as I had done it the week before, giving me time to pack my belongings and my tent, get lunch, and say goodbye to my church group before I started to welcome adults (and two people who I met last year) before getting on the coach home. I also met a few of the girls from my silent week last year which was great, and all in all had a moving two weeks.

Taize never fails to surprise me in one way or another...be it the people I meet, the laughs I have, the spiritual experiences I encounter, or seeing and actually realisng who is important to me in my life, and who it is I need...all really important findings. I had a few mutterings with a few people about going for longer next year, but this is completelt dependent on the PhD...but a month would be good. If anyone reading this, thinks I have completely lost it - I havent. but the community provides me with the support, both spiritually and mentally that sometimes I feel I lack at home.

On my return I wrote to Bishop Michael thanking him for his support and kindness during the week, only got a two days later to have a response from him. I pray for his health, and his continuing ministry, and I pray the EA diocese know just how lucky they are!

Thank you Taize

quick post - just back from an amazing two weeks in Taize - a little sleep deprive however, so am going to have a nap!
will do a Taize update soon...so mcuh happened, that i have to digest it a little first

am taking a much needed break in my upgrade document writing to do a quick update here. I dont feel too guilty as I have written just over 1,500 words so far...to the dismay of Chris my office mate!
So what to update...
well on Saturday I met Archbishop Peter, the archbishop of Southwark - as I was at his house at a meeting regarding the papal visit. I am helping out with the young of Bromley attending the event, so we were being informed of our role for the day...sounds quite interesting. now have to get in touch with my 7 youth to meet up with them, and tell them about the day.
also, had our monthly taize service, and we are still attracting new people which is amazing. this time next week, I shall be on the beloved hill. am looking forward to that beyond belief. as i said to someone today, at the moment my prayer is a little bit lonely and painful...but as I type this, I am listening to the podcast with the new jolly benedictus and that alwaysn makes me smile! the memories of last year!
what else....nothing much. went to open air opera last week - placido domingo was amazing!
finished the Karamazof brothers - frere emile will be proud. a hugely thought provoking book about faith...difficult in some places, raised a giggle in others.
right, must go back to the demographics of temporary employment! joy of joys!

I had an accident at the weekend...not an I dropped a pint of milk type accident, but more like a I fell down a flight of concrete stairs and bashed my head type accident.
the day went something like this. Saturday 5:40 am - alarm goes off, get up, showered and ready to get to London to get a train in Norwich. Get lost in Norwich trying to find the Catholic cathedral - get nice bus driver to take me to the cathedral. meet Taize friends from the East Anglian diocese, to witness Luke (now Fr Luke) get ordained into the Catholic priesthood (an amazing service...beautiful to witness). Mingle afterwards with friends,and to congratulate new priest. was just making a slow walk back to train station, when Taize Ben stops me and we go for coffee to catch up, and I wanted to hear about his first year in seminary. finally hear from Licy who has had the most horrendous journey and who arrived in Norwich 4 1/2 hours late after 8 hours of travelling, so i leave Ben to meet her at station. ben tells me a shortcut involving going through a church garden...it was a shortcut as it does not take you long to get down stairs when you fall down them. many bumps, grazes and screams later i am at the bottom of the stairs, in shock saying my head is bleeding and worried that my beautiful shoes are scuffed. 2 men saw me, one called the st johns ambulence people, the other comforted me and collected all my dropped belongings.
i then have to ring poor licy saying i maybe a little longer to meet her as i had a huge bump to my head. ben was found from cafe, and i had to persuade st johns that I was really 27. after a lot of persuassion they let me go, ben walked me to the station - i met Licy, and my train was cancelled. on returning to London, my neck was stiff and my back extremely painful (head was too I may add), and so to A&E I went. all is ok, just body and mind in shock...i was lucky that nothing was broken, and when the parable of the good samaritan was read at church the following day - it rang true.
through doctors orders i took monday off work. my head is still sore - the bump has reduced, and it is yellowy in colour - the cut is still evident. random bruises have made themselves know on legs, thighs, bum, shoulders,feet elbows, knees and hands. grazes are just beginning to clear up.
makes for an interesting weekend!
so all in all, always a drama. have been an emotional state really this week, as I kindof adjust to all events, and realise that body and mind are not that strong, Have planned a super reflective Taize service for Sunday (actually planned it before the day), and in just over a week, i will be going there for my now annual two weeks of reflection. EA will be with me for one week, st james for the other. Licy for both and Daniel for one...it will be interesting times.
am writing the document for my mini viva - actually going over all my reading that i have done is a good task, but it is taking longer to write then i first thought!
thats all for now folks
much love to you all
xx

walking 40 minutes to church and then 40 minutes home again in this heat is a little tortuous, but you do see things in amazing brilliant sunshine.
i have had the "you have to do your upgrade/mini viva" conversation with my Prof, so I am going to be doing some hefty writing of a few chapters soon - this could be fun, but isnt really going to be! i have three weeks before Taize to get a chunk written, so will work towrads that.

we are having a familial BBQ this afternoon - should be fun, will mean i get to see my adorable nephew which is always a joy!

Have had another PhD setback this week - always a joy...!

Oh well...

Church was good - Fr B has been doing some amazing sermons recently, really making me think and consider issues differently.

Now to do a little bit of work before guests come this afternoon

a few years ago a friend who i have not seen or heard from for a while, but someone who I wonder how he is, and what he is doing, and pray for sent me a poem called "Please hear what I am not saying".

I say this because after a conversation with a close friend of mine last week, this poem came to mind. It verbalises my fears, and my insecurities, and how I am. I try to cover such feelings from people, and even God - ridiculous really, as God is the ONLY person who knows how I am feeling, and who REALLY knows who I am - even more then me. Infact, I have taken a copy of this poem to give to them when I next see them. I hope that we can go through it together. We are very similar...the part of relationships that people find so exciting - getting to know each other - I find physically nauseating as I am so scared as to what the other person is thinking of me - he thinks the same. We are both scared about the future, and we both have things we dislike about our past. I know this probably sounds like a lot of people..but there was a real insecurity and vulnerability that we both shared. We have both spoken about issues that hurt us, and in fact when I came away from the conversation I felt raw. But it was a good rawness, it was stuff that was on my chest, and really needed to be said but I had never said it, but, now it has been said, I am thinking about it, and praying so the hurt goes away...and the best thing is, I know that person is praying for me too.

So all in all, I want to thank that person who sent me the poem to begin with - I still pray for you, and hope that you are doing well. I dont even know if you read this anymore, but hey...
And, I want to say thank you to my new friend who is helping me deal with issues that I have not dealt with before, and for the prayers that I am getting from him.

I ask the people reading this if they can also pray for me...you are all stars

All I can say is that I am glad that this time in 4 weeks I will be in Taize, having that chance to really be ME, and be vulnerable, and chat to sister Liz!

not posted for a while as I have hit a huge low. Went on to my cbt website the other day, both depression and anxiety levels were severly high.

i am low yes, prayers would be much appreciated.

work is tough, relationships tough, and I am missing a lot of people right now, when a big hug, and an everything will be ok, would be much appreciated.

"and when you are comforted, as time heals all sorrows, you will be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend. You will laugh with me"

i want to laugh...but i cant.

thank you to my old boss, for just being there when I needed it today...damn you for making me cry on the train.

it has been a day and a half.

i have to start liking food again...nearly 3 weeks with reduced appetite and feeling ill when I eat is now getting to me

in my last post about all the things that I have done recently that have been keeping me busy, I forgot an important event - in our parish 25 teenagers were confirmed. It was a lovely service...and my word it does make you think about your own confirmation, and the promises that we made, and the wonderful gift of the Spirit that was given to us. When the youth were making their promises, I was saying the I do's with them...I had to. I want the Lord to know that this is truly what I belive too, and how I want to be a witness.

During this last week, have also been quite busy. on Pentecost Sunday I had arranged a Taize service. After morning Mass, myself and Anne tissue papered the windows in the back of the Church to provide a stained glass window affect for the service in the evening. It was actually a really well attended service - every time we do it, we learn something new about what to do for next time, but most importantly it gives a person the time to reflect on their relationship with God. This week I registered for my two weeks with Taize in the Summer...and boy, am I looking forward to them!

Also this week I experienced my first football match at Wembley and my first England international (the same event). Someone had booked me tickets to see the match...i did not know I was going until we were on the tube there, and unfortunately I was not really dressed for the occassion, as earlier that day I had a meeting with the executive director of the hospital that my PhD is based at - so was smart! never mind...it was a ridiculously fun evening - the atmosphere was amazing...and I was very grateful for the surprise.

This week, i have been learning a lot about fears and anxieties. I have also had an incredibly low patch - I have not had one like this for a long time...so much so, that I did something I have not done for almost a year - disappointing yes, but really now learning how to trust in God. Last year a Taize brother said to me one evening that God is like an amazing bank - he keeps on giving and giving when you put your card in to take out money - but your account never goes down. so you can ask for as much as you want, and He will give it to you, but your account will remain...the other analogy that was used was the - why carry a heavy rucksack with you at all times...ask God to carry it for you, and He will - with pleasure. so I am praying that I can cast my fears and anxieties to the Lord, and that He will help me with them.

Work is still busy, and still not getting very far even if it is busy. It is rather frustrating, but just another thing for me to cast to prayer.

other than that, it is pretty much same old, same old. Although it is a bank holiday, I have some studying to do. My job i suppose is not really like a 9-5, I am always thinking that I could do a little more reading of the literature, or think up some interview schedules, code some data in N-Vivo - the list of stuff that I could be doing is infact endless. But for the time being, I am going to go back to my Dostoevsky, and see what the next installment of the Karamazov Brothers holds for me!

busy, busy, busy is what I have been

Busy trying to get work going well, and doing my annual presentation to the department of management showing our progress, development and project ideas. it went ok - i actually managed to get sympathy from the profs as a result of my lack of access (although there has been slight progression in that as well...hopefully the CEO will be on my side).

There has also been the election - i am not going to comment on that much...it will be interesting to see what happens in the next few months.

last weekend Petts Wood Festival Chorus sang Vivaldi's Gloria and other works twice in one day in aid of our local children's hospital. i am always moved by these performances, and it was a spectacular event...and some special people to me came to watch.

I have just been on an away day with work - tiring and a waste of time, but done for the year now.

this weekend, I have Russian folk singers to go and see, and our monthly Taize service to celebrate the feast of Pentecost...have to choose music and find some prayers to read.

this week also saw the first birthday of my god-daughter Joanne...happy birthday Joanne!
right, over and out

work has been pretty hard these last few weeks - i am a little lost with what I am doing, as things are changing all the time...it is all very fluid...i am striving for some stability with this.
the last Taize service at my church went really well - my priest said it was the best one yet, and he actually felt that he was in Taize...that made me happy.
we have just had a family celebration this weekend as my cousin announced that she was pregnant...i am so desperately happy for her, but wishing that it was me...
God knows how I feel, and I suppose that is what is most important.
I have had a lot of support from a few people recently which has been fabulous, and I am very thankful for that. I just pray that this will continue.
lastly, have finally had my hair cut - it been about time

and this really is final - if anyone is in south east London on the 16th May, and would like to hear Vivaldi's Gloria, and a few other pieces sung, then come and listen to Petts Wood Festival Chorus, raising money for Dumelza House Childrens Hospice...all for a good cause!

I just have to say a stupidly big thank you to work for making my birthday so lovely...just smiled all day! laughed, ate cake, made jokes, and had a never ending stream of gin and tonics all night! i like the 6 1/2 hours working: 6 hours in pub ratio! well done guys....also a huge thanks to Dan who came down to join us as well...what a good crowd came out - never ever have we had so many come out after work...wohoo! and so many people came out of their shells...even the person I mentor (yes - i know, the poor girl!)

and to everyone else who has sent me messages in various forms - i am truly grateful and humbled.

and when asked how I met a good friend of mine...and i replied with him sat next to me "oh, we met on the coach on the way back from France", the response I got was..."that sounds like a you place to meet someone...it is never ordinary is it!?!?" nope, nope it is not....but that is one of the wonders of Taize, and the great things about sharing Haribo!

it is my last day of being 26 - woop woop!
26 has been a good year....an emotional year, a tough year, but a good year. silence, prayer, cbt, phd, singing, laughing...have all happened, as well as crying, tears, fear, anxiety, realisation, but added to that has been rediscovering love, faith, learning how to trust and moments of joy!

lets hope 27 is as exciting..

I have prayers as to what I want to happen in this next year, God knows them (well of course He does), but just prayers for general development, hope and good health will be appreciated. My friends have been a huge rock for me over the last year, and God Bless you all for the support I have received.

Happy Easter Season Everyone

I hope that you are all well. I have been struck down by that dreaded viral bug that has been getting to everyone. It started during my conference in Paris, and continued onwards. The worst time was actually Easter weekend. I always find the Triduum so moving, and I was detemined to sing in thw choir for the vigil even with my temperature of 102...that was not pleasant. On Easter Sunday as with the traditional Polish ways, we had the whole family around...temperature still going, and my whole face aching...
I didnt got to work that week, under doctors orders...having been given two types of anti-biotics for sinusitis...however, i had two hospital consultants lined up to interview, so had to do them from home, and i am glad i did as they had amazing info for me.
I have been back at work this week, and reading over transcripts, and organising a few things.

I also managed to skype with some lovely people throughout this time, with some amazing catch ups...one of which informed me I may talk about Taize a little too much. Well I am going to mention it again...we did a prayer around the cross on Good Friday, with the church just in candle light - just incredibly moving. my priest asked me in the day if I could do it myself....I was not sure I would be able to, but I did. We are trying to get a Taize roadshow going for local churches to see if we can encourage anyone else between 18-30 to come.

but life is still going on, my prayer is developing, and I am reading two books at the moment, one given to me to read by my priest, the other recommended to me by a Taize brother - both immense.

and that is it really...not much else to report

today has been my body's way of telling me to stop, so I took a sick day off war, having woken up with a throbbing headache after having been in bed for 10 hours, with a cough still going and a blocked nose, I was not getting out of bed.
why...because I have not stopped.
The youth confirmation retreat went really well - i hope the kids got a lot out of it - if they didnt, then I certainly did. I cried one evening on my own after the celebration of the Eucharist and the sacrament of Reconcilliation....it was a healthy cry - i had stored so much up...anger, stress, fear, anxiety, loneliness...joy, praise, understanding, opennings....there was a lot going on I was just so confused, so just cried, a long messy cry - but man - it was truly needed. I did not want the kids to see...even singing the psalm during the Mass for them nearly got me going - the power of music is just stunning.
anyway, I went straight from that to a choir rehearsal for holy week singing. Love the little choir we have going, and we have learnt some beautiful moving music for people to contemplate on.
Which led straight to my finishing writing the slides for my presentation, listening to my interview recordings and finalising things..then Chris, my professor and I made our way to Paris to present our research on qaulity of working life, and how that fitted into our research schemes - for me how changing work patterns in the nhs are impacting upon quality of working life for staff and ultimately how this effects patient safety and service quality. there were very important profs in the room, and i was the last paper presented...after two nights of being wined and dined, and having left with a sore throat beginning, i was beginning to feel very ill...the presentation done (successfully as well), adrenaline over, on the eurostar home i felt very very ill.
Then onto the Friday...Poznan girls reunion - it was really good fun - even better if I had not been sneezing and coughing through it. This started with a taize prayer, shared meal, sleep over and fun in London town the next day...which led to a full of cold me going home to...
...babysit the nephew who was over for the weekend. We took him to palm sunday mass, then I had choir rehearsal and then in the evening a Taize service which left me voiceless!
had to go into work yesterday as I had an interview booked in, but by the end of the day - that was it - just gone - no energy left!
so today was just relax, sleeping, fluids and rest.
have an interview to do tomorrow, but the rest has hopefully done the trick now, as have choir tomorrow and then the holy week triduum!
right, that is it for now...stuff going on, stuff i need to sort out

what, a post..again...two days, two posts!

why?

well today, well this evening more correctly I was told good news....what? good news?
As you may have gathered, I have been doing a course of CBT, to help with my continual anxiety and depression. At my first session in November, I was rated severe - in fact so severe they thought I should not do the course and do some more severe psychotherapy. But my person said he saw something in me, and because to quote him "you appeared intelligent, motivated and I wanted to work with you"...so he did

Today was my last session, and my final assessment. I knew that I was doing a little better, i realised that there was some rationality behind me seeming irrationality. but my person was basically a little dumb-founded with my scores. I was still severe in one test, but not extreme severity, but was only 2 points from moderate! For my other scores, I was still clinical, but not as bad as i was before, on some of the test scores i was down 0.75. My person could not believe it - he was really surprised - especially as he had to argue a little bit to take me on!

I have to thank this person so much, he listened to my moaning, my doubts, fears, and helped me see with my thought plans that I was sometimes justified with my thought processes, and made me see my key points to where my negative thoughts could arise - this has been amazing. the best thing about him, and I told him this tonight - he did not patronise me - not one bit. he was not "the world is a happy place, and we must all dance for joy at everything" - he was realistic, allowed me to be realistic, and did not patronise me one bit - and this was key. absolute key.

so have a right to be proud. I am beginning to realise when i am on the path of the down ward spiral I can try and stop my thoughts going down that path, and get myself thinking in a positive way.

so yes...still clinical, but much less severe then I was...

Last thing I said to my person....celebratory gin! (i have not had this...)

paper was sent to the conference organisers yesterday, after only minor editting from the prof..

phone call went like this:
prof "hello zofia. I have read your paper. It was actually very good, I was very impressed"
me "you sound surprised David"
prof "well you were not selling to me, and I know you have been anxious about it, but there was nothing to be anxious about"

When meeting him to talk about the interviews i have been conducting, and to pick up said changes, he did the, we really must look at this self-confidence issue of yours and work on it. You seem to work well under pressure, maybe this is the answer (it is not by the way).

St James have finally decided the dates for this years Taize trip - the first week of August. i will already be there, as I am going for two weeks - the week before, and this week, and so will meet people there. if anyone is interested in coming, let me know, and I will see what I can do. The prayer last Friday was just so lovely, and seeing people again was just great. next week I have a reunion with the girls I met in Poznan...we are starting this with Taize prayer, a shared meal, and the hope to do a retreat style 24 hours....am muchos looking forward to it. taize stuff at St James is reallt getting there as well...we have a service every month now, and on Good Friday we wil also be doing prayer around the cross. something that really got me in my silent week was: "I am sure I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Yes I shall see the goodness of the Lord, hold firm trust in the Lord". If you cant hold firm on anything else, you sure can in the Lord.

Something else has really struck me this week as well: "If we hope for something that we have not yet got, wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25). The Lord hears my hopes, they are in His amazing creating hands....

and so, back to work, preparing presentations, and preparing to do more interviews...good stuff.

ps - if anyone is in the Petts Wood area on the 16th May, Petts Wood Festival Chorus have our annual concert - this year Vivaldi's Gloria (and a few other pieces). Money is being raised for Dumelza House - a local childrens hospice. a good way to bring the churches together.

and finally, if people have a spare 2 minutes, this weekend I am taking confirmation candidates on retreat, so they can have some focussed prayer time. Please pray they are open to the experience.

hello fellow blog readers
I hope all of you are well

this week has been hugely stressful, but i managed it. I had three days to write my first conference paper...one day i had brain freeze as i had been interviewing for data collection that day...so two days, 7,000 words later a shoddy paper was handed into my prof 5 minutes before the deadline...we shall see what he has to say about it.

but the friday improved, when I met with some beautiful people to go to a Taizé prayer around the cross with Frere Paolo. i met up with various people before going there, and when there, so many familiar faces were there it was so good to see. The prayer was beautiful...it just gave that brilliant time to reflect after a very busy week. to meet people who are so excited about prayer and Christ is just fantastic. it was a special evening, and I had good conversations afterwards, and the playing of stupid games...nearly the last train home and i was so full excitedness that I found it hard to sleep...

...which was a shame as yesterday I was doing a 10 mile sponsored walk on the Thames path to raise money to help send somebody to Lourdes with HCPT...it was a beautiful walk aross the city, and so glad that I did it...and when doing something like this, you realise how many little things in London you miss when you rush through it everyday.

today, i have a holy week choir rehearsal and a taize meet up for people in my area who have gone...and the next working week begins.

data collection for one part of the PhD has started - this is good news. I think the interviews the other day went well, but they are very draining! but should not complain, they are providing me some info...just have to get about 10 more people to agree...the project is being implemented a week later then thought, which gives me an extra week to collect data - hurrah.
had a night out with the girls last night - much needed...but has left me very very tired today, so it will be an early night. It also meant that i have not been able to work on the paper that I need to have written by Friday...never mind - will just have to continue to write it around the busy week I have this week. good stuff.

other then that, met with a lovely friend recently and had good faith chat, and they remain in my prayers as they make some decisions about their future.

not much else to report - life just goes on

I had my second to last CBT session this evening - this is the first therapist that I have got on with - as I write down my thought paths, and he looks at them, we talk about them, so he gets how I think - he does not think me stupid - in fact the oposite...it may seem stupid but he understands how I think, and can see the rationality behind it. Tonight, it became very clear that i am a perfectionist, and so neurotic about it (we had a laugh about it), but I was explaining about the fact that I thought I was an inadequate perfectionist - how ironic is that! But, finally a therapist I can get on with, actually explain myself too, and somebody who I can talk openly with...
neurotic
perfectionist
misunderstood

yep thats me!

what I need to do is to catch myself when I can see that I am thinking myself as inadequate, anxious etc, and see how I can change the situation and my thoughts I am in! it is hard, but it can happen.

right now, I just also want to increase my confidence, there is someone I like, but I am scared! lol...one thing that needs work!

hey

well, I have now finished my catechist course - it has been an interesting course where I have learnt a lot...and hope to continue to learn - it has been very encouraging, and made me think a lot about my faith, my prayer and my community. James often talks about being one of the few male parents who go to church....my problem is, in my church there are so many family orientated events, or youth events (and I mean 11-18), or adult events (I mean 30+)...what is the role of the single 26 year old? where are the events/meetings for us? I have very few people in my parish my age I can talk to about my faith and my issues that I have. I am lucky in a way, in that I have made many Taize friends, and can social network with them, but it is not the same as sitting over a pint or a meal and having somebody physically there to pass you a tissue when you cry, or to watch when you are laughing so much, or just to be there so you KNOW they are there. that is my issue, and one that I am trying to deal with. I have been in contact with a few people, and am trying to find people I can pray with, because, the Lord truly knows I can do with some prayers and some help. the role of the single person in the church also needs to be addressed...I feel there is a pressure to be in a relationship (married), and to have children to continue the faith. Indeed, that is what I want, but at the moment, I am not there....but that does not mean that I dont have a role. I do, I just have to find it...with the help of mu church community.



PhD has finally been given ethics approval (well one part of it), so all I need are participants and I will be there. I have a workshop/conference type thing coming up in march - pretty important people will be there (luckily my prof will be there too), but at the moment I have no paper (this was supposed to be sent to the organisers by the end of January), but I have no data to write the paper...this could go very wrong...but as the Prof said: "I will be there in the room to protect you" (sigh of relief).



other than that, life is just going by. i am constantly tired and constantly cold...I am trying to be a support for a few special people around me, and at the same time realising that I have lost a few people that I used to get support from, but you know - life really does go on, and I really pray that things get better. as I said to somebody the other day "The Lord knows that I am angry about some things, the Lord knows that I love Him, but the Lord also knows I am waiting..." This is true.

ok...so I dont know if a counsellor is supposed to take the piss...but then again I was called one of his most synical clients! yesterday I think it was a game of who could be the biggest pedant - it was good though..I think this is the first counsellor I have got on with - because it is not the normal type of counselling - he looks at my thought patterns and how I think...yesterday it was relationship issues, and he let me have my "that is because they are men" comments but also gave me his twopence worth as well...
normal i leave those sessions a bit thoughtful...yesterday I left with a huge smile on my face, having had an absolute giggle talking about how i project my feelings onto how I think other people must feel about me, how i fear about the future, and how i catastrophise..and to think that I can laugh about this...that is how he makes me feel - he makes me laugh about it - am blessed with him.

am also a little more relaxed about the old studies as well, as i went to go a meet "the big man, the big DG", and talk about the project as new bits have been added due to government initiatives that has been in the news today...and as the DH said "this could be the making of you" - so no pressure there! i had some problems getting my head around things, but that was solved slightly today...all very interesting...so I am quite excited, but also quite scared...that is the way of the PhD.

other then that, I am having HUGE confidence issues...I have met someone who I like, but I do not know what to do...just screaming inside. man alive, it hurts...i just want something to go right for once...my confidence is just so low that I do not trust myself...scared. it is horrible...

its after weeks like this that I wonder why doing a PhD was a good thing - it has been a very tough week in the world of study, and I can see it getting worse before it gets better. it has been 4 months since I have heard from the Trust (not for the want of trying), and so my project has stalled majorly - that is hard, when after a year all you have is a majorly elaborate literature review.
so my prof gets me another project that is seemingly very unrelated to temporary employment (very very interesting - but not related at all to the original project proposal I have), and tells me to research it and get interviews done (after getting ethics of course)...but the thing is, after a year of doing all this reading on temporary employment, I dont want to waste that...its so bloody hard I tell you. I told him that after this week and getting all the ethics applicationsn in, I want to talk to him and get a focus to the PhD, as the perfectionist control freak in me is crying loudly as I have no control as to what is going on....
we shall see what happens - but lets just say, in times that I have been alone in the office this week, of which today has been one, there have been tears, and I hate crying in the office.

other things, this week has very much been church activity orientated with doing petts wood churches together stuff, bromley deanery stuff, catechist training, and thinking about what to do for our Taize service on Sunday.

and lastly, I have a heart/head issue that is also getting me in a bit of a tizz, and that wont leave me either....

much love to you all, and I am thankful for music that has kept me going today

Happy New Year Everyone

I wanted to wait a little bit before I wrote this entry, as I didnt want to write something based on adrenaline and excitement - but something a little more composed.

As in the past two years, this year I spent the new year with the Taize community, this year in the city of Poznan, Poland. Now, for a long time I was unsure whether I was going to go - what with my anxiety bring higher then it has been for a long time, but when I managed to persuade my friend Sam to come to - that was it, I signed up and I would not be disappointing Frere Paolo who had wanted me to go.

On the 28th December we got on the coach to Poznan....it was lovely meeting up with Taize friends I had not seen for a year, others who I had not seen for a few weeks, and others who I had never met before, but a 21 hour coach journey means you get to know people went.

On the 29th we had our welcome, and then went to our Parish. Sam, Katie, Heather, Izzy and I all decided to work, but didnt realise this was going to mean we were in the same parish - but we were, and this was great. When we got to out parish - we had cake galore offered to us - just non stop cake....plate after plate after plate. Sam and I were given our host - we lived with a student called Darek - his parents and sister lived in a little village outside of Poznan...the poor 19 year old shy man, having to deal with 2 English women! We got to our house, showered, napped and then made our way to the main hall as we had to hear about what our worl involved. we helped with the decorations of the hall, lighting candles, and trying to stop people taking photos and walking in front of the decorations whilst the brothers were walking in and out of prayer. Being back in the Taize prayer environment was lovely, just what I needed - it was calming.

The days then kind of mould into one...Taize has a remarkable way of going slowly, yet quickly. the days went slowly packing so much in, but the time just goes so quickly, and before you know it, the time has gone, and its back to England. I had a lovely small group this year - we only met for two mornings, but it was a special two times - we had really good discussions about our faith, and the theme of the meeting - a thirst for Christ's love and a thirst for peace. Two things that are heavy on my mind still. I am searching for Christ's love, and am re-discovering His love for me - something that is deeply special. what a joy...re-discovering that God loves me is special. So small groups were amazing.

Another brilliant thing - of course the prayer. Having the opportunity to pray 3 times a day - although I have this everyday of course - we dont make time for it...but in Taize world, that is what the day is about. The prayer is really special - small pieces of scripture to meditate on, and then a silence...the silence is the chance for me to call to God, and for God to work in me. Yep, some prayers were tearful, for both Sam and I. See I am near says the Lord, See I make all things new - gets me quite a bit. I gets me thinking that if God could make me new, how would he make me? I was trying to explain this to Sam when she cried on me...she didnt want to change me...I want to change me.

Then there was Darek, my student! He was lovely - didnt cook (his parents cooked stuff for him and dropped it off for him to re-heat), he didnt do his clothes wasking (every week his mum would take it, wash it, and iron it), he was very shy - but I would not have had it any other way. Every evening he always offered to make us hot drinks...when he realised Taize food was not great, he got us cuppa soups to take the meeting halls so we could have a hot drink, the fridge was full for us, and he was really good to talk to about a lot of issues, in both Polish and English! His family were also amazing...they all came around on new years day for the meal with the family - and they even did veggie things for me. On our last day, we had some time spare, so the family took us to their little village house, and had cooked another meal for us - just amazing. we never went hungry, ever! they treated us as their own, and even invited us back to their house in the summer....I have to say Polish hospitality was amazing

new years eve was just smiles all the time. the prayer vigil for peace ended with a joyous chant telling us to spread the news of God, and sing for Him all over the world! we continued singing this outside, watching the amazing fireworks, and wishing everyone a happy new year! we as english attempted Auld Lang Syne (does anyone know the words), and when that finished, it was the hokey kokey, and then it was can canning to the Polish chant! hilarious. Of course I had the compulasory can of gin and tonic with me...had to start the new year with some gin...and then we had the festival of nations. In the last two years I have not done anything for this - but this year that was all about to change. The five girls (Sam and I included) became the Spice girls with a twist - we became the PEACE girls - encouraging everyone to give each other the sign of peace (I really really really want to give you peace)...and then we had a disco for ages, and ages, and it was all smiles - really we had such fun!

the Taize community has done so much for me - and getting to know the brothers more gives it that personal touch among a sea of faces...and I thank God for the community and the work they do

I love spending the new year this way...meeting people, learning about nations...praising God...can it get any better?

happy birthday mum!

you have looked after me, guided me, and loved me, and I love you too.

I hope we have given you a good meal tonight!

well, i have started an on-line guided cbt course - i have faced up to the fact that I am not well - so next step is trying to deal with it! i have had two sessions, and doing a module about challenging negative thoughts...the last thing i need is someone taking the piss out of me for going to counselling - which is exactly what my father did to me last night - and ouch that hurt.

this week had been a shocker - i had to do an informal presentation of my research...it was slated - that hurt too.
also trying to come to terms with some stuff that has happened recently - that has been tough...

but am baby sitting this arvo, so am sure my nephew will provide laughs!

Am mega emotional at the moment...I know why as well, and it sucks, as I should be better then this now. This week I heard good news for many people - and of course I am over the moon for them...but a really horrible jealous part of me wishes it was me, and I want to cry. i feel so stupid for feeling like this. but it is how I feel...especially when I have found someone that I like but am far too scared to say or do anything as a result of my last few relationships. I am just too scared. Somebody sent me a lovely message today in an attempt to keep me going, and I am going to try my best to keep that in my head - but I really just feel like crying...indeed pathetic. the worst thing is, I am really happy for the people - i really and truly am, I just wish I could show it better.

in other news I am lacking motivation a little, which has not helped with the phd - so today instead of writing positive things - i have written 5 pages of issues I have with the work so far, and questions that need to be asked to resolve them...well at least that is something done.

lets hope the weekend can prove a little more fruitful...something that did make me laugh is my nephews ability to make the sign of a fish with his mouth - he is an adorable baby.

never has a week and a half outside of Taize been so consumed with Taize activity...it all went something like this...

10 days ago the coach company pulled the coach that was going to take us to the European meeting in Poznan. Frere Paolo asked myself and Katie what should we do...i was good cop bad cop in my reply, whereas Katie was completely good cop, and so we persuaded the coach company to give us an extra 10 days to find 10 people to make the coach viable to go! so many emails went out, big persuasion tactics were used, we even got the list of those registered from the coach company to see who was and wasnt on it...to my reflief I was not on it (10 days, 9 people), and I then quickly persuaded two friends to come (9 days, 7 people)...but on wednesday under the 10 days, we got our ten people - hurrah - we are off to Poznan...and a very good friend of mine is coming so there will be good times ahead I hope.



the second piece of Taize activity happened yesterday, and this was the pre-Poznan gathering at Primrose Hill - and this was lovely! we had a lovely lunch, then an introduction to Taize, I spoke about Poznan, we had a bible introduction, small group discussions, mingling over tea and coffee, and then a beautifully simple Taize service...loved it, absolutely loved it! my friend steve came from Brighton, Sophie came from Birmingham, and Nick came from my church. Of course, Katie as the second half of the Paolo named "main movers" was there, and what really made me happy was that Daniel who I met on the coach on the way back from Taize turned up so we had a good catch up - and it was nice to get encouragement face to face and not just over the e-mail! after the service, Katie and some of her friends, Steve, Daniel and I went to a drinking establishment to continue the fun, although steve daniel and I went on a mini detour trying to find somewhere to park a car! the evening finished with a hilarious tube journey with steve back to Victoria, where I had to run to get my train, and he had to get back to Brighton...this has made us even more excited by Poznan, and I ended Sunday with a smile.

Taize friends are special, as you experience a range of emotions with them, and you do not get to see them often, so when you do, it is lovely!

I am still enocuraging people to sign up for Poznan, registration closes on the 1st December...it will be soooo good!

just praying for more periods of calm this would be very nice
xx

update: have data, but full of mistakes! great!
second catechist lesson tonight - loved it last week
22 november, taize service at St Mary the Virgin Primrose Hill - come if you can! (from 1pm - until about 5:30 - lunch, bible study, small groups and service that will be candle lit)
Poznan Taize over new year - come if you can!

nothing else new...

ok, some of my friends and myself are going through some tough patches at the moment...yeah, it is not so great, but i am hanging on in there and thinking about good things. Work the last two days has been a little disappointing - i feel I have lost a lot of motivation...and i am still waiting for data so I can actually start finding things out....this does not help, but a weird way of thinking about something has helped...I will try and explain

this time two years ago - i was in what I thought back then was a great relationship...i do not really know what being in love with someone is...but if it is what I think it feels like...then I was in love with that person...it was hard to go a day without hearing from them, and i wanted to be next to him all the time, i smiled a lot, and i was happy. the person went away, and he had another girlfriend in the country he came from...that hurt...that was two years ago. I say this because I was thinking the other day when a friend was talking about her relationship woes that we as humans can be horrible to each other and lead each other on, and it is sad. Obviously it is lovely and fantastic when it all works out...and there are also MANY examples of this, but it hurts. I am way over this person now...the best advice I was given was from my priest who said that I will not ever get over what he did until I forgave him, and prayed for him - i did this, and my priest was right...well done Fr B

Now I am saying this really because on Wednesday I started a catechist course at my church...and we started at the fundamentals...God loves us, and created us in His image...He loves us. Now it struck me in Taize this summer during my week in silence that I was scared of Gods love....I am scared about disappointing God, and scared to accept His love in case I disappoint Him, and that love could have gone to someone else. Hmmm indeed. But after talking to Fr B again (he is a very good man), I am slowly getting over this issue, and getting used to the idea that God does love me - he really does. Now feeling like this is brilliant. I sometimes lie there in a low period...wishing I had someone human loving me, but then I realise that I still have Gods love, and I smile...uhuh - i smile.

The end of this is, that human relationships, and me thinking I must have disappointed a man for them to leave me, affected my relationship with God...I must have disappointed God, or if I do disappoint God then He will leave me too. But now I am re-realising Gods love for me, I also hope that this will improve my human relationships as well. There is a fear...my fear of disappointing not only comes out in education settings but relationship settings as well...I do not want to fail at another relationship, and I am too scared to go into another one (have to credit Brother Paolo for that one).

So...wrapping this up, catechist course started well, old relationship - 0, Gods love-1, and new relationships - n/a right now!

just a quick little update! The abstract I was talking about a few posts ago was accepted for the workshop! maybe by then it may be in more of a paper form, but for now it has gotton in...out of merit though I am not entirely sure, as the prof was on the accepting/rejecting committee...but never mind, my first professional abstract got me somewhere

in other news, had more nephew play today - he is just beautiful

I do not like these few days of the year... 5 years ago was one of my lowest ever points, and it still hurts..and around this time of year on following years other not so great things have happened....

but, I am starting a catechist course at church this week, so that should be really interesting, a chance for me to learn more as well!

take care all

xx

I love my nephew dearly - he never fails to show us a new trick he has learnt...but I do not like the stomach bug that he passed on to me after baby sitting for him... not like is quite tame actually! Although today I am doing better then the previous two days - I can now eat a slice of bread and drink water...good stuff. Obviously am not going into work tomorrow, have let them know...luckily I have a lot of my work at home to be getting done.

on other notes - i forgot to mention that I have been on a mini holiday. Yep my mum and i decided to have a quick weeks getaway, and so we went to the Greek Island of Zante, in a last minute out of season deal, and it was lovely - i never thought I would have been swimming in the sea in october! The resort was so friendly, and welcoming, and the scenary beautiful! we found a lovely little cocktail bar, and we were self-catered, but we found a lovely little restaurant that allowed us to share meals (we are both small eaters, and the portions were huge). But i would recommend out of season holidays, still good weather (well it was a greek island), resort much quieter and much cheaper (£170 a person for the week, in a self catered appartment - cannot really go wrong).

The holiday was much needed - I just now need to get my strength up after this nasty nasty bug.

also, am doing some Taize promotion stuff....anyone wanting to go to Poznan this year? Have heard from Frere Paolo - he keeps passing my e-mail address to people who may be interested! but we are trying to get enough for the coach...so is anyone interested...

ps - also a pre-Poznan Taize service at St Mary the Virgin Church, Primrose Hill on the 22nd November. I am on the planning committee for this...you need to register if you want to go, so have a little look on the Taize website, more info about the day is on that!

Take care

I am writing this at work, as I have a lose end, my office mates have gone to a conference in Lisbon, and I have just finished writing an abstract discussion topic for my prof (for those interested it is on the implementation of the 48 hour working week for junior doctors, and the consequences for the quality of working life)

but, more importantly I am writing this I have something on my mind, and after the fact I have shed a few tears over this, it is still bugging me - and it shouldnt. A few days ago I had to look over some e-mails to find an address that somebody sent me - so I did a search among e-mails in my inbox - fine and dandy - I found what I was looking at eventually - but I also found stuff that has been hard to swallow. It read like this "in a few years time, I hope to be in the happy place that you will want to be in, and i will achieve this, and you wont. I will then laugh, and yes this does sound bitter"

To be honest this probably upset me even more back then, but it was just a shock to read such things...well, I am not in an altogether happy place at the moment, but I am working on that, and I may not be exactly where I want to be in some instances, but I have done/am doing other things that I never thought I would do. Most importantly, I have people who will not say such horrible things to me, and want to try and build rather then ruin me. I am just listening to the Taize podcast, and very apporpriately the chant being sung is "See I am here says the Lord, See I make all things new" This is what I need, a new state, to forget what people in the past have said to me, and concentrate on God to help me, and know that He does have some wonder for me coming up!

right, back to some work now...

ta ta for now

for everyone who knows me, they also know that my babcia is the lady i aspire to be - she inspires me, has a faith that is so strong, and a love for people that is amazing...she is a fabulous lady, grandmother, mother, and great-grandmother!
this week she turned 80! yep that is right - 80! a grand age! we gave her a surprise party on her actual evening...champers, flowers, chocolates, food...it was lovely! today we are having a whole family get together to give her celebration that she really and truly deserves.

i love my babcia - happy birthday!

So last weekend was great...I had the pleasure of seeing James and Ella, and their two beautiful girls. I have not seen James and Ella for nearly two years...that is far too long...so much had happened in those two years - let alone James and Ella having a second child! and that was my reason for going to Hull, as I had been asked to be Joannes God-mum - this was an honour.

It was just lovely - James and Ella were very hospitable - having both Melissa and I in the house! The little girls behaved so well, Leona is a smiling bundle of joy, and Joanne is just a gorgeous baby to cuddle! On saturday evening we had a meal at Ellas parents house - I will not mention the game...on his blog, James said not to mention the grain...but I feel it may have been more the grapes fault! How you managed to cycle back in that state was unbelievable!

Sunday was the day of the Baptism, another young Christian - it was a special service. It also gave me time to think about my relationship with God, and what I believe, and how I must turn to Him in times of distress and praise, and be honest in front of Him. My silence week in Taizé was not the pleasant experience I wanted it to be, but I am beginning to see some of its fruits.

After the service we went to the church hall, that we had decorated the day before, and we had some yummy food, and good mingling. The amazing cake cut (and tasted just a great as it looked), and James rushed me to the station so I could get my train, as I had to get back to London to meet my priest as I was going to see The Messiah at the Albert Hall, as part of the Proms.

It was fab to see James and Ella again...I have missed them both, but think and pray for them and their family. We spoke of uni years, and the fun we had, and the people we met. And I was able to master my Hullian "Noooo", much to James' dismay!

Thanks to you both for a lovely weekend....all we needed was Mark to be over and that would have topped a great re-union...another time...

the beginning of august sees our church trip to the Taizé community, Burgundy, France. This year was no different - apart from this year, I did a week in the field when my church was there, and when they had gone home, I did a week in silence.

The week on the field was amazing...I had a lovely small group, the bible study was very well delivered (I was learning about the Farewell discourses) and the music, well it never fails to move me. And like last year, we saw a brother make a lifelong commitment to the community - just beautiful. In this week, there were also a few changes to the usual Taizé business as the Archbishops of both York and Canterbury were present, and we had a question and answer session...I only wonder how long it will take the Archbishop of Westminster to get there? would be nice to have some English Catholic representation....

The second week I was there was much harder - yes this was my week in silence. And since I have been back, I have been to the doctor who informed me this was potentially the most stupid thing that someone with anxiety and depression could do...it seems to have set me back somewhat....but the week did give me some revelation about my relationship with God - I am too scared to accept his love for fear of disappointing him, and for fear of punishment when this disappointment will inevitably happen. quite a big revelation. this will go a long way to explain my loneliness and trust issues. One thing that I have been told to remember from this week, is the basics - God loves us, and we know this, as He created us in His image. God is a forgiving God, and reaches us in ways that we did not know were possible...even if we do not think He is there, He certainly is. But the week ended with me having panic attacks, but as a result I be-friended a lovely sister, and they arranged a way for me to be able to complete my silence on the saturday. I have to say a thank you to Sisters Liz and Alicia, Frere Paulo, Frere Emile, Frere Jon, Frere Jean-Patrique and Frere Matthew, the majority of whom I may have cried on during conversations with.

I also have to thank the people on the coach journey home who made this trip easier then i thought it would be, to marcus, daniel, jonah, sarah, dave and his daughters who had me entertained when I could have just cried all the way home...the way it all just ends at victoria station is a bit weird, and I hope that you all got home safely.

I love Taizé, this year I have left on a low, not because if anything Taizé has done, but because of my illness that had time to express itself when my usual busy life represses it...that has been a tough cookie to deal with, and that is what I am trying to do now.

ok - it has been ages since I last wrote - i apologise, I have been busy.

The Messiah went realy well - like really well...who needs failed pop-opera stars to sing for us....?!?!?!?! We raised ovber £2000 for Haris Hospice so that was awesome, and the music was just so enchanting and moving! Loved it - still find myself singing it at un-opportune moments.

Easter was great - we had a really good Easter choir going, and this was our first easter with a baby in the family as well - so that was special.

I have given my first PhD presentation - that was ok - got good feedback, apart from having poor eye contact, but I know that anyway, yes it is still something I have to work on!

I have also been commissioned to be an Extra-ordinary minster of Holy Communion at my church - it was a great commissioning service at Aylesford Priory, and felt honoured that I was nominated by people in my parish.

I am going to be going to Ascot, met up with my old work team, and have been generally studying quite hard as I have a lot to learn!

thats about it, there is bounds to be loads I have missed out, but have to get working

guys - not done this for a while, but I seem to have hit a real low. scared, anxious, tearful all the time. not sleeping greatly either. probably many things have triggered this, cannot put it down to one thing, or put a maximum on it either. please put a word in for me when you can

ps - mark will get Skype soon, I just need to get a new computer first.

It has been a long time since I last blogged - I have been doing a lot of thinking - a lot.

"Just as the day declines to evening, so often after some little pleasure my heart declines into depression. Everything seems dull, every action feels like a burden. If anyone speaks I scarcely listen. If anyone knocks, I scarcely hear. My heart is as hard as flint." (Saint Aelred of Rievaulx)

I read this, and it hit me. This perfectly describes how I often feel. It is something so very hard to put into words, when you so earnestly want something, or try for things, but it is your own body/mind that is keeping you back. It is not something you can just snap out of - my word I would love it if it was...but no. It is hard work - and so mentally and physically exhausting. In the mornings when I have to really make an effort to get going, and actually put my life into action - it is hard work. When I go through a very bad patch, I not only sink inwards but I physically get ill as well - my immune system goes. I have been ill for over three months - thankfully I am getting better now...I have suffered some amazing headaches though. Anxiety and depression is hard. I am trying though. I really am. But this, really did touch me as a good description of what it is like.

So, I have now done 7 weeks of my studies...it is tough going if I am being honest. it is solitary work, buy I am learning new things, and thinking about things in new ways, and that has to be good. It involves a lot of self motivation which sometimes it harder then other days, but I get there.

I have been spending time with my gorgeous nephew as well - I mean he is just lovely - I love him to pieces, and I long for the day when I can have a child of my own. The joy that he brings to the family when we see him is just amazing.

The church choir for Handel's Messiah is coming along - we are all working hard - this happens in 3 weeks time. No young, attractive famous tenors this year to my disappointment! no matter how much I begged my priest to get one in - nope - not this year! Money is going to our local childrens hospice, so I really do hope we get local support.

I have been heavily reliant on some friends recently, and I greatly thank them for their it seems never-ending support, and I do not thank you enough. I have had to move back home, which has been hard for me , and the support I get is great. I miss Erica in Oz loads, must stop making friends with people who live over a 24 hour flight away...its not fair!

and that is just about it - well there is probably tonnes I have forgotton, but that is enough for you all now.

just where has January gone?
well...it has involved the starting of the PhD...I have done lots of reading, anf quite (very sadly) enjoying being in a library again...it is hard reading....and I dont have an exact topic of focus yet, but that supposedly is ok according to my superviser who says to give it about 6 months! he had so much faith in me during our meeting it was quite scary...well this is why we hired you Zofia came up a lot! so yeah, that has been that,

Yesterday I went with Chris to see Chicago at the theatre- the tickets were one of my leaving presents from work - just bloody brilliant, and all that jazz! loved it! work got a thank you email this morning.

I have to stop making friends with people from the other side of the world. my housemate left the other day to go back to Oz to sort out her visa and get over glandular fever, and i miss her already. am actually moving out of the house for many reasons (econmic being one), so only a few more weeks living here - and a lot to pack up...am moving back home for a bit - just while i get settled with uni etc.

we have started out rehearsal for the Messiah - great piece of music, am loving learning it, although hard in a few places...

and that is about it

********news flash update*********

my little nephew is called Matthew

***************NEWS FLASH***************************

I am an auntie!
Congratulations to Peter and Davina and my little nephew (name still unknown). A hefty little 'un at 9 lbs and 3 oz.

Cannot wait to see him, but that is my news...

...and it is getting warmer apparently!

Happy New Year everyone!

I hope that yours has started a lot more healthily then mine....

yes I was ill in December too - but Brussels did not do much for my health, and now I am on many an anti-biotic to make me better! so much so, I had to miss the first meeting with my PhD superviser - as both are agreed that it is much better for to be healthy!

Well...why was I in Brussels - well for the Taizé european meeting of course! Geneva welcomed the year in last year, Brussels this year. once again around 40,000 young people coming together to pray is just brilliant - and a prayer vigil for peace being the best way to start in the new year. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I was not feeling so shocking - but such is the problem with illness - you just never know when it is going to strike! but just in general, I had good God time, and so that was great for me. Oh and I was also interviewed for Brussels telly and that was shown in New Years Day...good times!

Now, I am not really going to make any solid resolutions. Last year was a bit of a toughie, with Karl and Ben issues, losing a job etc...but it also had good points including moving house and making a fab friend in my new housemate, good church stuff, two fabulous weeks in Taizé, and at the end of the year finding out that I was going to start a PhD in a field I am excited in. but the general things such as keeping fit and being healthy is in there, finding good prayer time, and just generally wanting to get on with my new studies and understand what I will be doing over the next three years!

Leaving work was hard - I cried quite a bit - I have made such special friends there and we all had good fun which was lovely, and I am sure that I will keep in touch - in fact they rang me already today!

so that is it...I am in bed trying to get better...happy new year!

I have been struck down by the dreaded cold...on Monday I was in work for 40 minutes before I was sent home, yesterday I went in for the afternoon, and I am going in for mid-morning today. It is not very nice especially as this is my last few days at work now. have got some enrolment details for my PhD now, so it is real, it is happening.

yesterday was a special night. i went to the Royal Mews children Christmas Party - it was really cool. we got to see loads of the carriages and horses, and Lizzie was there, but I completely missed her - apparently she came in for a few minutes very hidden..grr!

Tonight I am going to see Imagine This again with a group of people - before it closes down. It is a brilliant show - I just hope that I can stop coughing enough for it!

Work Christmas do tomorrow, and maybe a little leaving do before I go.

will be sad to leave work, but will be in touch with them lots.

right, time to get ready for work

it has been a while since I have blogged and a lot has continued. I have officially given in my notice - horay! 12 more days of employment as I know it...

I have been trying to get more info about my PhD and the uni I am going to be studying in - it is quite daunting to be starting out again...but it is something that I have been wanting to do for a while.

I have been to see "Imagine This" at the theatre - it was brilliant! now, please do not believe everything you read in the press about this show - it was fabulous! It was a play about hope and had me in tears - just fabulous - a musical about the Warsaw Ghetto is not meant to work - bt this one really does - go see it if you can.

Have also been to see Sleeping Beauty at the Coliseum - I have not been to the ballet for so long, and this was something just super special to see - also an amazing night.

Have been doing a lot of choir stuff as we are doing a Christmas service, and then singing in mid-night mass, and this has been challenging but good. I am singing out of my usual range so my throat has been sore, but it is always good to learn new music - bring on the new year and the Messiah! what a challenge and a half.

and have been to an American Thanksgiving, and now the Christmas celebration season is in swing, and a few leaving drinks to go to...and maybe something quite special for Erica and I if Chris can sort it for us...we shall see.

anyways, that is enough from me for now

Hi all

I am a bit drunk when typing this - so sorry!

Why you may ask...well yesterday was just a whirlwind

as you may have gathered from my blog, there has been another job opportunity in the pipeline that would stop me from taking a bloody good salary that the internal job would give me! well yesterday this excitement was concluded...I was offered the PhD that I went for...what is that..a PhD...

Yes, for some strange reason - I decided that it would be a good idea to apply for one, and apply I did - an interview I got, and an interview I passed, and the position was offered! It is a fully funded PhD, for three years, in London, so I am quite excited..

I am in a somewhat envious position in that I have two jobs offered - went for two and got both...did not think that would happen at all...but it has. decisions will have to be made this weekend, but I think I know which one I am going to go for....

oh well!

Zx

Gott lass meine Gedanken sich sammein zu dir. Bei dir ist das Licht, du vergisst mich nicht. Bei dir ist die Hilfe, bei dir ist die Geduld. Ich verstehe deine Wege nict, aber du weisst den Weg fur mich

(Taizé chant)

Just beautiful, and kind of sums things up at the moment.

share it

everything else wise, they advertised my job at work today - a kick in the teeth...but hey win some, lose some, life goes on

It has been a stressful few weeks, which is why I have been silent. As people know, my work contract was not extended so I have been having to find a new job, and with the crisis that is going on at the moment, I was frightened about not getting a job.

That worry kindof ended this week, when I found out I had been offered the internal job that I went for. having never really been through a proper assessment centre before it was so very stressful, and I was literally stressful, but I must have done something right. The position is two levels above the one that I am currently at, and a different focus - but it looks good. It is in Steves department, but not his team, but that is a weight off my mind. I have not accepted the job yet, as I am waiting to hear about something else I have applied for, and if I get the other placement, then some decisions will have to be made....so that has reduced the worry somewhat.

otherwise, I have been a bit up and down moodwise, but I have had some lovely people here to help me through it all, and I am doing God stuff to help me too. I have thrown myself into church stuff, helping with the youth group (youth ministry training has now been completed), and tomorrow Brother Paulo from Taizé is in London, and so I am helping with that.

I have been to the Mews again which was fun, and have had various people round to tea, and Erica is back from her holiday which is just great - it is good to have her back. have fed the ducks in St James' Park a lot with work colleagues in our lunch break, and just generally trying to keep myself going...

we shall see