busy, busy, busy is what I have been

Busy trying to get work going well, and doing my annual presentation to the department of management showing our progress, development and project ideas. it went ok - i actually managed to get sympathy from the profs as a result of my lack of access (although there has been slight progression in that as well...hopefully the CEO will be on my side).

There has also been the election - i am not going to comment on that much...it will be interesting to see what happens in the next few months.

last weekend Petts Wood Festival Chorus sang Vivaldi's Gloria and other works twice in one day in aid of our local children's hospital. i am always moved by these performances, and it was a spectacular event...and some special people to me came to watch.

I have just been on an away day with work - tiring and a waste of time, but done for the year now.

this weekend, I have Russian folk singers to go and see, and our monthly Taize service to celebrate the feast of Pentecost...have to choose music and find some prayers to read.

this week also saw the first birthday of my god-daughter Joanne...happy birthday Joanne!
right, over and out

work has been pretty hard these last few weeks - i am a little lost with what I am doing, as things are changing all the time...it is all very fluid...i am striving for some stability with this.
the last Taize service at my church went really well - my priest said it was the best one yet, and he actually felt that he was in Taize...that made me happy.
we have just had a family celebration this weekend as my cousin announced that she was pregnant...i am so desperately happy for her, but wishing that it was me...
God knows how I feel, and I suppose that is what is most important.
I have had a lot of support from a few people recently which has been fabulous, and I am very thankful for that. I just pray that this will continue.
lastly, have finally had my hair cut - it been about time

and this really is final - if anyone is in south east London on the 16th May, and would like to hear Vivaldi's Gloria, and a few other pieces sung, then come and listen to Petts Wood Festival Chorus, raising money for Dumelza House Childrens Hospice...all for a good cause!

I just have to say a stupidly big thank you to work for making my birthday so lovely...just smiled all day! laughed, ate cake, made jokes, and had a never ending stream of gin and tonics all night! i like the 6 1/2 hours working: 6 hours in pub ratio! well done guys....also a huge thanks to Dan who came down to join us as well...what a good crowd came out - never ever have we had so many come out after work...wohoo! and so many people came out of their shells...even the person I mentor (yes - i know, the poor girl!)

and to everyone else who has sent me messages in various forms - i am truly grateful and humbled.

and when asked how I met a good friend of mine...and i replied with him sat next to me "oh, we met on the coach on the way back from France", the response I got was..."that sounds like a you place to meet someone...it is never ordinary is it!?!?" nope, nope it is not....but that is one of the wonders of Taize, and the great things about sharing Haribo!

it is my last day of being 26 - woop woop!
26 has been a good year....an emotional year, a tough year, but a good year. silence, prayer, cbt, phd, singing, laughing...have all happened, as well as crying, tears, fear, anxiety, realisation, but added to that has been rediscovering love, faith, learning how to trust and moments of joy!

lets hope 27 is as exciting..

I have prayers as to what I want to happen in this next year, God knows them (well of course He does), but just prayers for general development, hope and good health will be appreciated. My friends have been a huge rock for me over the last year, and God Bless you all for the support I have received.

Happy Easter Season Everyone

I hope that you are all well. I have been struck down by that dreaded viral bug that has been getting to everyone. It started during my conference in Paris, and continued onwards. The worst time was actually Easter weekend. I always find the Triduum so moving, and I was detemined to sing in thw choir for the vigil even with my temperature of 102...that was not pleasant. On Easter Sunday as with the traditional Polish ways, we had the whole family around...temperature still going, and my whole face aching...
I didnt got to work that week, under doctors orders...having been given two types of anti-biotics for sinusitis...however, i had two hospital consultants lined up to interview, so had to do them from home, and i am glad i did as they had amazing info for me.
I have been back at work this week, and reading over transcripts, and organising a few things.

I also managed to skype with some lovely people throughout this time, with some amazing catch ups...one of which informed me I may talk about Taize a little too much. Well I am going to mention it again...we did a prayer around the cross on Good Friday, with the church just in candle light - just incredibly moving. my priest asked me in the day if I could do it myself....I was not sure I would be able to, but I did. We are trying to get a Taize roadshow going for local churches to see if we can encourage anyone else between 18-30 to come.

but life is still going on, my prayer is developing, and I am reading two books at the moment, one given to me to read by my priest, the other recommended to me by a Taize brother - both immense.

and that is it really...not much else to report

today has been my body's way of telling me to stop, so I took a sick day off war, having woken up with a throbbing headache after having been in bed for 10 hours, with a cough still going and a blocked nose, I was not getting out of bed.
why...because I have not stopped.
The youth confirmation retreat went really well - i hope the kids got a lot out of it - if they didnt, then I certainly did. I cried one evening on my own after the celebration of the Eucharist and the sacrament of Reconcilliation....it was a healthy cry - i had stored so much up...anger, stress, fear, anxiety, loneliness...joy, praise, understanding, opennings....there was a lot going on I was just so confused, so just cried, a long messy cry - but man - it was truly needed. I did not want the kids to see...even singing the psalm during the Mass for them nearly got me going - the power of music is just stunning.
anyway, I went straight from that to a choir rehearsal for holy week singing. Love the little choir we have going, and we have learnt some beautiful moving music for people to contemplate on.
Which led straight to my finishing writing the slides for my presentation, listening to my interview recordings and finalising things..then Chris, my professor and I made our way to Paris to present our research on qaulity of working life, and how that fitted into our research schemes - for me how changing work patterns in the nhs are impacting upon quality of working life for staff and ultimately how this effects patient safety and service quality. there were very important profs in the room, and i was the last paper presented...after two nights of being wined and dined, and having left with a sore throat beginning, i was beginning to feel very ill...the presentation done (successfully as well), adrenaline over, on the eurostar home i felt very very ill.
Then onto the Friday...Poznan girls reunion - it was really good fun - even better if I had not been sneezing and coughing through it. This started with a taize prayer, shared meal, sleep over and fun in London town the next day...which led to a full of cold me going home to...
...babysit the nephew who was over for the weekend. We took him to palm sunday mass, then I had choir rehearsal and then in the evening a Taize service which left me voiceless!
had to go into work yesterday as I had an interview booked in, but by the end of the day - that was it - just gone - no energy left!
so today was just relax, sleeping, fluids and rest.
have an interview to do tomorrow, but the rest has hopefully done the trick now, as have choir tomorrow and then the holy week triduum!
right, that is it for now...stuff going on, stuff i need to sort out

what, a post..again...two days, two posts!

why?

well today, well this evening more correctly I was told good news....what? good news?
As you may have gathered, I have been doing a course of CBT, to help with my continual anxiety and depression. At my first session in November, I was rated severe - in fact so severe they thought I should not do the course and do some more severe psychotherapy. But my person said he saw something in me, and because to quote him "you appeared intelligent, motivated and I wanted to work with you"...so he did

Today was my last session, and my final assessment. I knew that I was doing a little better, i realised that there was some rationality behind me seeming irrationality. but my person was basically a little dumb-founded with my scores. I was still severe in one test, but not extreme severity, but was only 2 points from moderate! For my other scores, I was still clinical, but not as bad as i was before, on some of the test scores i was down 0.75. My person could not believe it - he was really surprised - especially as he had to argue a little bit to take me on!

I have to thank this person so much, he listened to my moaning, my doubts, fears, and helped me see with my thought plans that I was sometimes justified with my thought processes, and made me see my key points to where my negative thoughts could arise - this has been amazing. the best thing about him, and I told him this tonight - he did not patronise me - not one bit. he was not "the world is a happy place, and we must all dance for joy at everything" - he was realistic, allowed me to be realistic, and did not patronise me one bit - and this was key. absolute key.

so have a right to be proud. I am beginning to realise when i am on the path of the down ward spiral I can try and stop my thoughts going down that path, and get myself thinking in a positive way.

so yes...still clinical, but much less severe then I was...

Last thing I said to my person....celebratory gin! (i have not had this...)

paper was sent to the conference organisers yesterday, after only minor editting from the prof..

phone call went like this:
prof "hello zofia. I have read your paper. It was actually very good, I was very impressed"
me "you sound surprised David"
prof "well you were not selling to me, and I know you have been anxious about it, but there was nothing to be anxious about"

When meeting him to talk about the interviews i have been conducting, and to pick up said changes, he did the, we really must look at this self-confidence issue of yours and work on it. You seem to work well under pressure, maybe this is the answer (it is not by the way).

St James have finally decided the dates for this years Taize trip - the first week of August. i will already be there, as I am going for two weeks - the week before, and this week, and so will meet people there. if anyone is interested in coming, let me know, and I will see what I can do. The prayer last Friday was just so lovely, and seeing people again was just great. next week I have a reunion with the girls I met in Poznan...we are starting this with Taize prayer, a shared meal, and the hope to do a retreat style 24 hours....am muchos looking forward to it. taize stuff at St James is reallt getting there as well...we have a service every month now, and on Good Friday we wil also be doing prayer around the cross. something that really got me in my silent week was: "I am sure I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Yes I shall see the goodness of the Lord, hold firm trust in the Lord". If you cant hold firm on anything else, you sure can in the Lord.

Something else has really struck me this week as well: "If we hope for something that we have not yet got, wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25). The Lord hears my hopes, they are in His amazing creating hands....

and so, back to work, preparing presentations, and preparing to do more interviews...good stuff.

ps - if anyone is in the Petts Wood area on the 16th May, Petts Wood Festival Chorus have our annual concert - this year Vivaldi's Gloria (and a few other pieces). Money is being raised for Dumelza House - a local childrens hospice. a good way to bring the churches together.

and finally, if people have a spare 2 minutes, this weekend I am taking confirmation candidates on retreat, so they can have some focussed prayer time. Please pray they are open to the experience.

hello fellow blog readers
I hope all of you are well

this week has been hugely stressful, but i managed it. I had three days to write my first conference paper...one day i had brain freeze as i had been interviewing for data collection that day...so two days, 7,000 words later a shoddy paper was handed into my prof 5 minutes before the deadline...we shall see what he has to say about it.

but the friday improved, when I met with some beautiful people to go to a Taizé prayer around the cross with Frere Paolo. i met up with various people before going there, and when there, so many familiar faces were there it was so good to see. The prayer was beautiful...it just gave that brilliant time to reflect after a very busy week. to meet people who are so excited about prayer and Christ is just fantastic. it was a special evening, and I had good conversations afterwards, and the playing of stupid games...nearly the last train home and i was so full excitedness that I found it hard to sleep...

...which was a shame as yesterday I was doing a 10 mile sponsored walk on the Thames path to raise money to help send somebody to Lourdes with HCPT...it was a beautiful walk aross the city, and so glad that I did it...and when doing something like this, you realise how many little things in London you miss when you rush through it everyday.

today, i have a holy week choir rehearsal and a taize meet up for people in my area who have gone...and the next working week begins.

data collection for one part of the PhD has started - this is good news. I think the interviews the other day went well, but they are very draining! but should not complain, they are providing me some info...just have to get about 10 more people to agree...the project is being implemented a week later then thought, which gives me an extra week to collect data - hurrah.
had a night out with the girls last night - much needed...but has left me very very tired today, so it will be an early night. It also meant that i have not been able to work on the paper that I need to have written by Friday...never mind - will just have to continue to write it around the busy week I have this week. good stuff.

other then that, met with a lovely friend recently and had good faith chat, and they remain in my prayers as they make some decisions about their future.

not much else to report - life just goes on

I had my second to last CBT session this evening - this is the first therapist that I have got on with - as I write down my thought paths, and he looks at them, we talk about them, so he gets how I think - he does not think me stupid - in fact the oposite...it may seem stupid but he understands how I think, and can see the rationality behind it. Tonight, it became very clear that i am a perfectionist, and so neurotic about it (we had a laugh about it), but I was explaining about the fact that I thought I was an inadequate perfectionist - how ironic is that! But, finally a therapist I can get on with, actually explain myself too, and somebody who I can talk openly with...
neurotic
perfectionist
misunderstood

yep thats me!

what I need to do is to catch myself when I can see that I am thinking myself as inadequate, anxious etc, and see how I can change the situation and my thoughts I am in! it is hard, but it can happen.

right now, I just also want to increase my confidence, there is someone I like, but I am scared! lol...one thing that needs work!

hey

well, I have now finished my catechist course - it has been an interesting course where I have learnt a lot...and hope to continue to learn - it has been very encouraging, and made me think a lot about my faith, my prayer and my community. James often talks about being one of the few male parents who go to church....my problem is, in my church there are so many family orientated events, or youth events (and I mean 11-18), or adult events (I mean 30+)...what is the role of the single 26 year old? where are the events/meetings for us? I have very few people in my parish my age I can talk to about my faith and my issues that I have. I am lucky in a way, in that I have made many Taize friends, and can social network with them, but it is not the same as sitting over a pint or a meal and having somebody physically there to pass you a tissue when you cry, or to watch when you are laughing so much, or just to be there so you KNOW they are there. that is my issue, and one that I am trying to deal with. I have been in contact with a few people, and am trying to find people I can pray with, because, the Lord truly knows I can do with some prayers and some help. the role of the single person in the church also needs to be addressed...I feel there is a pressure to be in a relationship (married), and to have children to continue the faith. Indeed, that is what I want, but at the moment, I am not there....but that does not mean that I dont have a role. I do, I just have to find it...with the help of mu church community.



PhD has finally been given ethics approval (well one part of it), so all I need are participants and I will be there. I have a workshop/conference type thing coming up in march - pretty important people will be there (luckily my prof will be there too), but at the moment I have no paper (this was supposed to be sent to the organisers by the end of January), but I have no data to write the paper...this could go very wrong...but as the Prof said: "I will be there in the room to protect you" (sigh of relief).



other than that, life is just going by. i am constantly tired and constantly cold...I am trying to be a support for a few special people around me, and at the same time realising that I have lost a few people that I used to get support from, but you know - life really does go on, and I really pray that things get better. as I said to somebody the other day "The Lord knows that I am angry about some things, the Lord knows that I love Him, but the Lord also knows I am waiting..." This is true.

ok...so I dont know if a counsellor is supposed to take the piss...but then again I was called one of his most synical clients! yesterday I think it was a game of who could be the biggest pedant - it was good though..I think this is the first counsellor I have got on with - because it is not the normal type of counselling - he looks at my thought patterns and how I think...yesterday it was relationship issues, and he let me have my "that is because they are men" comments but also gave me his twopence worth as well...
normal i leave those sessions a bit thoughtful...yesterday I left with a huge smile on my face, having had an absolute giggle talking about how i project my feelings onto how I think other people must feel about me, how i fear about the future, and how i catastrophise..and to think that I can laugh about this...that is how he makes me feel - he makes me laugh about it - am blessed with him.

am also a little more relaxed about the old studies as well, as i went to go a meet "the big man, the big DG", and talk about the project as new bits have been added due to government initiatives that has been in the news today...and as the DH said "this could be the making of you" - so no pressure there! i had some problems getting my head around things, but that was solved slightly today...all very interesting...so I am quite excited, but also quite scared...that is the way of the PhD.

other then that, I am having HUGE confidence issues...I have met someone who I like, but I do not know what to do...just screaming inside. man alive, it hurts...i just want something to go right for once...my confidence is just so low that I do not trust myself...scared. it is horrible...

its after weeks like this that I wonder why doing a PhD was a good thing - it has been a very tough week in the world of study, and I can see it getting worse before it gets better. it has been 4 months since I have heard from the Trust (not for the want of trying), and so my project has stalled majorly - that is hard, when after a year all you have is a majorly elaborate literature review.
so my prof gets me another project that is seemingly very unrelated to temporary employment (very very interesting - but not related at all to the original project proposal I have), and tells me to research it and get interviews done (after getting ethics of course)...but the thing is, after a year of doing all this reading on temporary employment, I dont want to waste that...its so bloody hard I tell you. I told him that after this week and getting all the ethics applicationsn in, I want to talk to him and get a focus to the PhD, as the perfectionist control freak in me is crying loudly as I have no control as to what is going on....
we shall see what happens - but lets just say, in times that I have been alone in the office this week, of which today has been one, there have been tears, and I hate crying in the office.

other things, this week has very much been church activity orientated with doing petts wood churches together stuff, bromley deanery stuff, catechist training, and thinking about what to do for our Taize service on Sunday.

and lastly, I have a heart/head issue that is also getting me in a bit of a tizz, and that wont leave me either....

much love to you all, and I am thankful for music that has kept me going today

Happy New Year Everyone

I wanted to wait a little bit before I wrote this entry, as I didnt want to write something based on adrenaline and excitement - but something a little more composed.

As in the past two years, this year I spent the new year with the Taize community, this year in the city of Poznan, Poland. Now, for a long time I was unsure whether I was going to go - what with my anxiety bring higher then it has been for a long time, but when I managed to persuade my friend Sam to come to - that was it, I signed up and I would not be disappointing Frere Paolo who had wanted me to go.

On the 28th December we got on the coach to Poznan....it was lovely meeting up with Taize friends I had not seen for a year, others who I had not seen for a few weeks, and others who I had never met before, but a 21 hour coach journey means you get to know people went.

On the 29th we had our welcome, and then went to our Parish. Sam, Katie, Heather, Izzy and I all decided to work, but didnt realise this was going to mean we were in the same parish - but we were, and this was great. When we got to out parish - we had cake galore offered to us - just non stop cake....plate after plate after plate. Sam and I were given our host - we lived with a student called Darek - his parents and sister lived in a little village outside of Poznan...the poor 19 year old shy man, having to deal with 2 English women! We got to our house, showered, napped and then made our way to the main hall as we had to hear about what our worl involved. we helped with the decorations of the hall, lighting candles, and trying to stop people taking photos and walking in front of the decorations whilst the brothers were walking in and out of prayer. Being back in the Taize prayer environment was lovely, just what I needed - it was calming.

The days then kind of mould into one...Taize has a remarkable way of going slowly, yet quickly. the days went slowly packing so much in, but the time just goes so quickly, and before you know it, the time has gone, and its back to England. I had a lovely small group this year - we only met for two mornings, but it was a special two times - we had really good discussions about our faith, and the theme of the meeting - a thirst for Christ's love and a thirst for peace. Two things that are heavy on my mind still. I am searching for Christ's love, and am re-discovering His love for me - something that is deeply special. what a joy...re-discovering that God loves me is special. So small groups were amazing.

Another brilliant thing - of course the prayer. Having the opportunity to pray 3 times a day - although I have this everyday of course - we dont make time for it...but in Taize world, that is what the day is about. The prayer is really special - small pieces of scripture to meditate on, and then a silence...the silence is the chance for me to call to God, and for God to work in me. Yep, some prayers were tearful, for both Sam and I. See I am near says the Lord, See I make all things new - gets me quite a bit. I gets me thinking that if God could make me new, how would he make me? I was trying to explain this to Sam when she cried on me...she didnt want to change me...I want to change me.

Then there was Darek, my student! He was lovely - didnt cook (his parents cooked stuff for him and dropped it off for him to re-heat), he didnt do his clothes wasking (every week his mum would take it, wash it, and iron it), he was very shy - but I would not have had it any other way. Every evening he always offered to make us hot drinks...when he realised Taize food was not great, he got us cuppa soups to take the meeting halls so we could have a hot drink, the fridge was full for us, and he was really good to talk to about a lot of issues, in both Polish and English! His family were also amazing...they all came around on new years day for the meal with the family - and they even did veggie things for me. On our last day, we had some time spare, so the family took us to their little village house, and had cooked another meal for us - just amazing. we never went hungry, ever! they treated us as their own, and even invited us back to their house in the summer....I have to say Polish hospitality was amazing

new years eve was just smiles all the time. the prayer vigil for peace ended with a joyous chant telling us to spread the news of God, and sing for Him all over the world! we continued singing this outside, watching the amazing fireworks, and wishing everyone a happy new year! we as english attempted Auld Lang Syne (does anyone know the words), and when that finished, it was the hokey kokey, and then it was can canning to the Polish chant! hilarious. Of course I had the compulasory can of gin and tonic with me...had to start the new year with some gin...and then we had the festival of nations. In the last two years I have not done anything for this - but this year that was all about to change. The five girls (Sam and I included) became the Spice girls with a twist - we became the PEACE girls - encouraging everyone to give each other the sign of peace (I really really really want to give you peace)...and then we had a disco for ages, and ages, and it was all smiles - really we had such fun!

the Taize community has done so much for me - and getting to know the brothers more gives it that personal touch among a sea of faces...and I thank God for the community and the work they do

I love spending the new year this way...meeting people, learning about nations...praising God...can it get any better?

happy birthday mum!

you have looked after me, guided me, and loved me, and I love you too.

I hope we have given you a good meal tonight!

well, i have started an on-line guided cbt course - i have faced up to the fact that I am not well - so next step is trying to deal with it! i have had two sessions, and doing a module about challenging negative thoughts...the last thing i need is someone taking the piss out of me for going to counselling - which is exactly what my father did to me last night - and ouch that hurt.

this week had been a shocker - i had to do an informal presentation of my research...it was slated - that hurt too.
also trying to come to terms with some stuff that has happened recently - that has been tough...

but am baby sitting this arvo, so am sure my nephew will provide laughs!

Am mega emotional at the moment...I know why as well, and it sucks, as I should be better then this now. This week I heard good news for many people - and of course I am over the moon for them...but a really horrible jealous part of me wishes it was me, and I want to cry. i feel so stupid for feeling like this. but it is how I feel...especially when I have found someone that I like but am far too scared to say or do anything as a result of my last few relationships. I am just too scared. Somebody sent me a lovely message today in an attempt to keep me going, and I am going to try my best to keep that in my head - but I really just feel like crying...indeed pathetic. the worst thing is, I am really happy for the people - i really and truly am, I just wish I could show it better.

in other news I am lacking motivation a little, which has not helped with the phd - so today instead of writing positive things - i have written 5 pages of issues I have with the work so far, and questions that need to be asked to resolve them...well at least that is something done.

lets hope the weekend can prove a little more fruitful...something that did make me laugh is my nephews ability to make the sign of a fish with his mouth - he is an adorable baby.

never has a week and a half outside of Taize been so consumed with Taize activity...it all went something like this...

10 days ago the coach company pulled the coach that was going to take us to the European meeting in Poznan. Frere Paolo asked myself and Katie what should we do...i was good cop bad cop in my reply, whereas Katie was completely good cop, and so we persuaded the coach company to give us an extra 10 days to find 10 people to make the coach viable to go! so many emails went out, big persuasion tactics were used, we even got the list of those registered from the coach company to see who was and wasnt on it...to my reflief I was not on it (10 days, 9 people), and I then quickly persuaded two friends to come (9 days, 7 people)...but on wednesday under the 10 days, we got our ten people - hurrah - we are off to Poznan...and a very good friend of mine is coming so there will be good times ahead I hope.



the second piece of Taize activity happened yesterday, and this was the pre-Poznan gathering at Primrose Hill - and this was lovely! we had a lovely lunch, then an introduction to Taize, I spoke about Poznan, we had a bible introduction, small group discussions, mingling over tea and coffee, and then a beautifully simple Taize service...loved it, absolutely loved it! my friend steve came from Brighton, Sophie came from Birmingham, and Nick came from my church. Of course, Katie as the second half of the Paolo named "main movers" was there, and what really made me happy was that Daniel who I met on the coach on the way back from Taize turned up so we had a good catch up - and it was nice to get encouragement face to face and not just over the e-mail! after the service, Katie and some of her friends, Steve, Daniel and I went to a drinking establishment to continue the fun, although steve daniel and I went on a mini detour trying to find somewhere to park a car! the evening finished with a hilarious tube journey with steve back to Victoria, where I had to run to get my train, and he had to get back to Brighton...this has made us even more excited by Poznan, and I ended Sunday with a smile.

Taize friends are special, as you experience a range of emotions with them, and you do not get to see them often, so when you do, it is lovely!

I am still enocuraging people to sign up for Poznan, registration closes on the 1st December...it will be soooo good!

just praying for more periods of calm this would be very nice
xx

update: have data, but full of mistakes! great!
second catechist lesson tonight - loved it last week
22 november, taize service at St Mary the Virgin Primrose Hill - come if you can! (from 1pm - until about 5:30 - lunch, bible study, small groups and service that will be candle lit)
Poznan Taize over new year - come if you can!

nothing else new...

ok, some of my friends and myself are going through some tough patches at the moment...yeah, it is not so great, but i am hanging on in there and thinking about good things. Work the last two days has been a little disappointing - i feel I have lost a lot of motivation...and i am still waiting for data so I can actually start finding things out....this does not help, but a weird way of thinking about something has helped...I will try and explain

this time two years ago - i was in what I thought back then was a great relationship...i do not really know what being in love with someone is...but if it is what I think it feels like...then I was in love with that person...it was hard to go a day without hearing from them, and i wanted to be next to him all the time, i smiled a lot, and i was happy. the person went away, and he had another girlfriend in the country he came from...that hurt...that was two years ago. I say this because I was thinking the other day when a friend was talking about her relationship woes that we as humans can be horrible to each other and lead each other on, and it is sad. Obviously it is lovely and fantastic when it all works out...and there are also MANY examples of this, but it hurts. I am way over this person now...the best advice I was given was from my priest who said that I will not ever get over what he did until I forgave him, and prayed for him - i did this, and my priest was right...well done Fr B

Now I am saying this really because on Wednesday I started a catechist course at my church...and we started at the fundamentals...God loves us, and created us in His image...He loves us. Now it struck me in Taize this summer during my week in silence that I was scared of Gods love....I am scared about disappointing God, and scared to accept His love in case I disappoint Him, and that love could have gone to someone else. Hmmm indeed. But after talking to Fr B again (he is a very good man), I am slowly getting over this issue, and getting used to the idea that God does love me - he really does. Now feeling like this is brilliant. I sometimes lie there in a low period...wishing I had someone human loving me, but then I realise that I still have Gods love, and I smile...uhuh - i smile.

The end of this is, that human relationships, and me thinking I must have disappointed a man for them to leave me, affected my relationship with God...I must have disappointed God, or if I do disappoint God then He will leave me too. But now I am re-realising Gods love for me, I also hope that this will improve my human relationships as well. There is a fear...my fear of disappointing not only comes out in education settings but relationship settings as well...I do not want to fail at another relationship, and I am too scared to go into another one (have to credit Brother Paolo for that one).

So...wrapping this up, catechist course started well, old relationship - 0, Gods love-1, and new relationships - n/a right now!

just a quick little update! The abstract I was talking about a few posts ago was accepted for the workshop! maybe by then it may be in more of a paper form, but for now it has gotton in...out of merit though I am not entirely sure, as the prof was on the accepting/rejecting committee...but never mind, my first professional abstract got me somewhere

in other news, had more nephew play today - he is just beautiful

I do not like these few days of the year... 5 years ago was one of my lowest ever points, and it still hurts..and around this time of year on following years other not so great things have happened....

but, I am starting a catechist course at church this week, so that should be really interesting, a chance for me to learn more as well!

take care all

xx

I love my nephew dearly - he never fails to show us a new trick he has learnt...but I do not like the stomach bug that he passed on to me after baby sitting for him... not like is quite tame actually! Although today I am doing better then the previous two days - I can now eat a slice of bread and drink water...good stuff. Obviously am not going into work tomorrow, have let them know...luckily I have a lot of my work at home to be getting done.

on other notes - i forgot to mention that I have been on a mini holiday. Yep my mum and i decided to have a quick weeks getaway, and so we went to the Greek Island of Zante, in a last minute out of season deal, and it was lovely - i never thought I would have been swimming in the sea in october! The resort was so friendly, and welcoming, and the scenary beautiful! we found a lovely little cocktail bar, and we were self-catered, but we found a lovely little restaurant that allowed us to share meals (we are both small eaters, and the portions were huge). But i would recommend out of season holidays, still good weather (well it was a greek island), resort much quieter and much cheaper (£170 a person for the week, in a self catered appartment - cannot really go wrong).

The holiday was much needed - I just now need to get my strength up after this nasty nasty bug.

also, am doing some Taize promotion stuff....anyone wanting to go to Poznan this year? Have heard from Frere Paolo - he keeps passing my e-mail address to people who may be interested! but we are trying to get enough for the coach...so is anyone interested...

ps - also a pre-Poznan Taize service at St Mary the Virgin Church, Primrose Hill on the 22nd November. I am on the planning committee for this...you need to register if you want to go, so have a little look on the Taize website, more info about the day is on that!

Take care

I am writing this at work, as I have a lose end, my office mates have gone to a conference in Lisbon, and I have just finished writing an abstract discussion topic for my prof (for those interested it is on the implementation of the 48 hour working week for junior doctors, and the consequences for the quality of working life)

but, more importantly I am writing this I have something on my mind, and after the fact I have shed a few tears over this, it is still bugging me - and it shouldnt. A few days ago I had to look over some e-mails to find an address that somebody sent me - so I did a search among e-mails in my inbox - fine and dandy - I found what I was looking at eventually - but I also found stuff that has been hard to swallow. It read like this "in a few years time, I hope to be in the happy place that you will want to be in, and i will achieve this, and you wont. I will then laugh, and yes this does sound bitter"

To be honest this probably upset me even more back then, but it was just a shock to read such things...well, I am not in an altogether happy place at the moment, but I am working on that, and I may not be exactly where I want to be in some instances, but I have done/am doing other things that I never thought I would do. Most importantly, I have people who will not say such horrible things to me, and want to try and build rather then ruin me. I am just listening to the Taize podcast, and very apporpriately the chant being sung is "See I am here says the Lord, See I make all things new" This is what I need, a new state, to forget what people in the past have said to me, and concentrate on God to help me, and know that He does have some wonder for me coming up!

right, back to some work now...

ta ta for now

for everyone who knows me, they also know that my babcia is the lady i aspire to be - she inspires me, has a faith that is so strong, and a love for people that is amazing...she is a fabulous lady, grandmother, mother, and great-grandmother!
this week she turned 80! yep that is right - 80! a grand age! we gave her a surprise party on her actual evening...champers, flowers, chocolates, food...it was lovely! today we are having a whole family get together to give her celebration that she really and truly deserves.

i love my babcia - happy birthday!

So last weekend was great...I had the pleasure of seeing James and Ella, and their two beautiful girls. I have not seen James and Ella for nearly two years...that is far too long...so much had happened in those two years - let alone James and Ella having a second child! and that was my reason for going to Hull, as I had been asked to be Joannes God-mum - this was an honour.

It was just lovely - James and Ella were very hospitable - having both Melissa and I in the house! The little girls behaved so well, Leona is a smiling bundle of joy, and Joanne is just a gorgeous baby to cuddle! On saturday evening we had a meal at Ellas parents house - I will not mention the game...on his blog, James said not to mention the grain...but I feel it may have been more the grapes fault! How you managed to cycle back in that state was unbelievable!

Sunday was the day of the Baptism, another young Christian - it was a special service. It also gave me time to think about my relationship with God, and what I believe, and how I must turn to Him in times of distress and praise, and be honest in front of Him. My silence week in Taizé was not the pleasant experience I wanted it to be, but I am beginning to see some of its fruits.

After the service we went to the church hall, that we had decorated the day before, and we had some yummy food, and good mingling. The amazing cake cut (and tasted just a great as it looked), and James rushed me to the station so I could get my train, as I had to get back to London to meet my priest as I was going to see The Messiah at the Albert Hall, as part of the Proms.

It was fab to see James and Ella again...I have missed them both, but think and pray for them and their family. We spoke of uni years, and the fun we had, and the people we met. And I was able to master my Hullian "Noooo", much to James' dismay!

Thanks to you both for a lovely weekend....all we needed was Mark to be over and that would have topped a great re-union...another time...

the beginning of august sees our church trip to the Taizé community, Burgundy, France. This year was no different - apart from this year, I did a week in the field when my church was there, and when they had gone home, I did a week in silence.

The week on the field was amazing...I had a lovely small group, the bible study was very well delivered (I was learning about the Farewell discourses) and the music, well it never fails to move me. And like last year, we saw a brother make a lifelong commitment to the community - just beautiful. In this week, there were also a few changes to the usual Taizé business as the Archbishops of both York and Canterbury were present, and we had a question and answer session...I only wonder how long it will take the Archbishop of Westminster to get there? would be nice to have some English Catholic representation....

The second week I was there was much harder - yes this was my week in silence. And since I have been back, I have been to the doctor who informed me this was potentially the most stupid thing that someone with anxiety and depression could do...it seems to have set me back somewhat....but the week did give me some revelation about my relationship with God - I am too scared to accept his love for fear of disappointing him, and for fear of punishment when this disappointment will inevitably happen. quite a big revelation. this will go a long way to explain my loneliness and trust issues. One thing that I have been told to remember from this week, is the basics - God loves us, and we know this, as He created us in His image. God is a forgiving God, and reaches us in ways that we did not know were possible...even if we do not think He is there, He certainly is. But the week ended with me having panic attacks, but as a result I be-friended a lovely sister, and they arranged a way for me to be able to complete my silence on the saturday. I have to say a thank you to Sisters Liz and Alicia, Frere Paulo, Frere Emile, Frere Jon, Frere Jean-Patrique and Frere Matthew, the majority of whom I may have cried on during conversations with.

I also have to thank the people on the coach journey home who made this trip easier then i thought it would be, to marcus, daniel, jonah, sarah, dave and his daughters who had me entertained when I could have just cried all the way home...the way it all just ends at victoria station is a bit weird, and I hope that you all got home safely.

I love Taizé, this year I have left on a low, not because if anything Taizé has done, but because of my illness that had time to express itself when my usual busy life represses it...that has been a tough cookie to deal with, and that is what I am trying to do now.

ok - it has been ages since I last wrote - i apologise, I have been busy.

The Messiah went realy well - like really well...who needs failed pop-opera stars to sing for us....?!?!?!?! We raised ovber £2000 for Haris Hospice so that was awesome, and the music was just so enchanting and moving! Loved it - still find myself singing it at un-opportune moments.

Easter was great - we had a really good Easter choir going, and this was our first easter with a baby in the family as well - so that was special.

I have given my first PhD presentation - that was ok - got good feedback, apart from having poor eye contact, but I know that anyway, yes it is still something I have to work on!

I have also been commissioned to be an Extra-ordinary minster of Holy Communion at my church - it was a great commissioning service at Aylesford Priory, and felt honoured that I was nominated by people in my parish.

I am going to be going to Ascot, met up with my old work team, and have been generally studying quite hard as I have a lot to learn!

thats about it, there is bounds to be loads I have missed out, but have to get working

guys - not done this for a while, but I seem to have hit a real low. scared, anxious, tearful all the time. not sleeping greatly either. probably many things have triggered this, cannot put it down to one thing, or put a maximum on it either. please put a word in for me when you can

ps - mark will get Skype soon, I just need to get a new computer first.

It has been a long time since I last blogged - I have been doing a lot of thinking - a lot.

"Just as the day declines to evening, so often after some little pleasure my heart declines into depression. Everything seems dull, every action feels like a burden. If anyone speaks I scarcely listen. If anyone knocks, I scarcely hear. My heart is as hard as flint." (Saint Aelred of Rievaulx)

I read this, and it hit me. This perfectly describes how I often feel. It is something so very hard to put into words, when you so earnestly want something, or try for things, but it is your own body/mind that is keeping you back. It is not something you can just snap out of - my word I would love it if it was...but no. It is hard work - and so mentally and physically exhausting. In the mornings when I have to really make an effort to get going, and actually put my life into action - it is hard work. When I go through a very bad patch, I not only sink inwards but I physically get ill as well - my immune system goes. I have been ill for over three months - thankfully I am getting better now...I have suffered some amazing headaches though. Anxiety and depression is hard. I am trying though. I really am. But this, really did touch me as a good description of what it is like.

So, I have now done 7 weeks of my studies...it is tough going if I am being honest. it is solitary work, buy I am learning new things, and thinking about things in new ways, and that has to be good. It involves a lot of self motivation which sometimes it harder then other days, but I get there.

I have been spending time with my gorgeous nephew as well - I mean he is just lovely - I love him to pieces, and I long for the day when I can have a child of my own. The joy that he brings to the family when we see him is just amazing.

The church choir for Handel's Messiah is coming along - we are all working hard - this happens in 3 weeks time. No young, attractive famous tenors this year to my disappointment! no matter how much I begged my priest to get one in - nope - not this year! Money is going to our local childrens hospice, so I really do hope we get local support.

I have been heavily reliant on some friends recently, and I greatly thank them for their it seems never-ending support, and I do not thank you enough. I have had to move back home, which has been hard for me , and the support I get is great. I miss Erica in Oz loads, must stop making friends with people who live over a 24 hour flight away...its not fair!

and that is just about it - well there is probably tonnes I have forgotton, but that is enough for you all now.

just where has January gone?
well...it has involved the starting of the PhD...I have done lots of reading, anf quite (very sadly) enjoying being in a library again...it is hard reading....and I dont have an exact topic of focus yet, but that supposedly is ok according to my superviser who says to give it about 6 months! he had so much faith in me during our meeting it was quite scary...well this is why we hired you Zofia came up a lot! so yeah, that has been that,

Yesterday I went with Chris to see Chicago at the theatre- the tickets were one of my leaving presents from work - just bloody brilliant, and all that jazz! loved it! work got a thank you email this morning.

I have to stop making friends with people from the other side of the world. my housemate left the other day to go back to Oz to sort out her visa and get over glandular fever, and i miss her already. am actually moving out of the house for many reasons (econmic being one), so only a few more weeks living here - and a lot to pack up...am moving back home for a bit - just while i get settled with uni etc.

we have started out rehearsal for the Messiah - great piece of music, am loving learning it, although hard in a few places...

and that is about it

********news flash update*********

my little nephew is called Matthew

***************NEWS FLASH***************************

I am an auntie!
Congratulations to Peter and Davina and my little nephew (name still unknown). A hefty little 'un at 9 lbs and 3 oz.

Cannot wait to see him, but that is my news...

...and it is getting warmer apparently!

Happy New Year everyone!

I hope that yours has started a lot more healthily then mine....

yes I was ill in December too - but Brussels did not do much for my health, and now I am on many an anti-biotic to make me better! so much so, I had to miss the first meeting with my PhD superviser - as both are agreed that it is much better for to be healthy!

Well...why was I in Brussels - well for the Taizé european meeting of course! Geneva welcomed the year in last year, Brussels this year. once again around 40,000 young people coming together to pray is just brilliant - and a prayer vigil for peace being the best way to start in the new year. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I was not feeling so shocking - but such is the problem with illness - you just never know when it is going to strike! but just in general, I had good God time, and so that was great for me. Oh and I was also interviewed for Brussels telly and that was shown in New Years Day...good times!

Now, I am not really going to make any solid resolutions. Last year was a bit of a toughie, with Karl and Ben issues, losing a job etc...but it also had good points including moving house and making a fab friend in my new housemate, good church stuff, two fabulous weeks in Taizé, and at the end of the year finding out that I was going to start a PhD in a field I am excited in. but the general things such as keeping fit and being healthy is in there, finding good prayer time, and just generally wanting to get on with my new studies and understand what I will be doing over the next three years!

Leaving work was hard - I cried quite a bit - I have made such special friends there and we all had good fun which was lovely, and I am sure that I will keep in touch - in fact they rang me already today!

so that is it...I am in bed trying to get better...happy new year!

I have been struck down by the dreaded cold...on Monday I was in work for 40 minutes before I was sent home, yesterday I went in for the afternoon, and I am going in for mid-morning today. It is not very nice especially as this is my last few days at work now. have got some enrolment details for my PhD now, so it is real, it is happening.

yesterday was a special night. i went to the Royal Mews children Christmas Party - it was really cool. we got to see loads of the carriages and horses, and Lizzie was there, but I completely missed her - apparently she came in for a few minutes very hidden..grr!

Tonight I am going to see Imagine This again with a group of people - before it closes down. It is a brilliant show - I just hope that I can stop coughing enough for it!

Work Christmas do tomorrow, and maybe a little leaving do before I go.

will be sad to leave work, but will be in touch with them lots.

right, time to get ready for work

it has been a while since I have blogged and a lot has continued. I have officially given in my notice - horay! 12 more days of employment as I know it...

I have been trying to get more info about my PhD and the uni I am going to be studying in - it is quite daunting to be starting out again...but it is something that I have been wanting to do for a while.

I have been to see "Imagine This" at the theatre - it was brilliant! now, please do not believe everything you read in the press about this show - it was fabulous! It was a play about hope and had me in tears - just fabulous - a musical about the Warsaw Ghetto is not meant to work - bt this one really does - go see it if you can.

Have also been to see Sleeping Beauty at the Coliseum - I have not been to the ballet for so long, and this was something just super special to see - also an amazing night.

Have been doing a lot of choir stuff as we are doing a Christmas service, and then singing in mid-night mass, and this has been challenging but good. I am singing out of my usual range so my throat has been sore, but it is always good to learn new music - bring on the new year and the Messiah! what a challenge and a half.

and have been to an American Thanksgiving, and now the Christmas celebration season is in swing, and a few leaving drinks to go to...and maybe something quite special for Erica and I if Chris can sort it for us...we shall see.

anyways, that is enough from me for now

Hi all

I am a bit drunk when typing this - so sorry!

Why you may ask...well yesterday was just a whirlwind

as you may have gathered from my blog, there has been another job opportunity in the pipeline that would stop me from taking a bloody good salary that the internal job would give me! well yesterday this excitement was concluded...I was offered the PhD that I went for...what is that..a PhD...

Yes, for some strange reason - I decided that it would be a good idea to apply for one, and apply I did - an interview I got, and an interview I passed, and the position was offered! It is a fully funded PhD, for three years, in London, so I am quite excited..

I am in a somewhat envious position in that I have two jobs offered - went for two and got both...did not think that would happen at all...but it has. decisions will have to be made this weekend, but I think I know which one I am going to go for....

oh well!

Zx

Gott lass meine Gedanken sich sammein zu dir. Bei dir ist das Licht, du vergisst mich nicht. Bei dir ist die Hilfe, bei dir ist die Geduld. Ich verstehe deine Wege nict, aber du weisst den Weg fur mich

(Taizé chant)

Just beautiful, and kind of sums things up at the moment.

share it

everything else wise, they advertised my job at work today - a kick in the teeth...but hey win some, lose some, life goes on

It has been a stressful few weeks, which is why I have been silent. As people know, my work contract was not extended so I have been having to find a new job, and with the crisis that is going on at the moment, I was frightened about not getting a job.

That worry kindof ended this week, when I found out I had been offered the internal job that I went for. having never really been through a proper assessment centre before it was so very stressful, and I was literally stressful, but I must have done something right. The position is two levels above the one that I am currently at, and a different focus - but it looks good. It is in Steves department, but not his team, but that is a weight off my mind. I have not accepted the job yet, as I am waiting to hear about something else I have applied for, and if I get the other placement, then some decisions will have to be made....so that has reduced the worry somewhat.

otherwise, I have been a bit up and down moodwise, but I have had some lovely people here to help me through it all, and I am doing God stuff to help me too. I have thrown myself into church stuff, helping with the youth group (youth ministry training has now been completed), and tomorrow Brother Paulo from Taizé is in London, and so I am helping with that.

I have been to the Mews again which was fun, and have had various people round to tea, and Erica is back from her holiday which is just great - it is good to have her back. have fed the ducks in St James' Park a lot with work colleagues in our lunch break, and just generally trying to keep myself going...

we shall see

It has taken a while, but St James is now a Fairtrade church!

http://www.stjamespettswood.org/

it is good news....

Had a Taizé reunion meal last night - was very much fun...talking about our planned trip to Taizé next year - will do two weeks again - am ready for the week in silence, and think it would be good to do...but am looking forward for Bro Paulo coming to London, but also Taizé in Brussels this year. I get a lot of peace from Taizé music at the moment - it is so relaxing, and really helps me focus. Fr B has not put my new stuff onto the web-pages yet, about the trip this year, but that should happen soon.

stuff wise, have been very stresses, and excema on the eye-lid is not very pleasant...

have had a very busy week - was introduced to baby samuel - so so so so so so very very cute...and a good choice in name as well!

also, have been to Buck Palace, and stroked the queens horses...indeed...

other than that, have had a lazy day today as it was much needed, and also at last had a hair cut, with the hairdresser being very careful, as excema on the scalp is causing a lot of pain in the washing and the brushing of hair....

hope all is well else where...am tired, so I am signing out for the eve

xx

its been a bit of a weird month:
Housewise - Ewa moved out as her girlfriend came over from Poland and they are now living together - miss Ewa...but we gained a Daria, another Polish girl who is just as great. Sammy was kindof evicted....the boiler is broken - waiting for the gas man tomorrow, as we just want a little warmth in the house now. Since Sammy has left it has been a better house....

Jobwise - am still working, applied for a new job last week, and am doing another random application this week...the random one is potentially very exciting, but am still looking for other things...we moved head offices so I now work near Victoria, which is good, as I can do things like go to Mass, or just go and pray in Westminster Cathedral in my lunch hour, or before and after worl.

Church wise - am still going! we have been doing a youth ministry course, last session this tuesday. we are going to start a senior youth group aside from the junior one. have been challenged by a few things, but some good prayer has come of late...

me wise - still up and down...have been hit by stress headaches, and eczema...not so good. i have done a 13 k walk/run for charity (see facebook as to how to sponsor...you still can!), have purchased my first ever pair if skinny jeans....

...but it is the 10th anniversary of my gran dying...the first member of my family that I remember going to a funeral of, and the granny that I actually saw pass away. that has been on my mind, but i know she is resting in peace now...just cannot believe it has been 10 years - it is insane...

will continue getting applications written this week...and am working from home tomorrow morning so I can let the gas man in!

take care one and all

x

Today at church in the second reading, we had the phrase that often...and still does cause me a great deal of confusion, "Love your neighbour as you love yourself". Hard...why? well as many of you know, if you are regulat blog readers...I do not love myself. In fact there are many things that I despise about myself. Now, does that mean that I cannot love others? In my opinion no. I can love others - I deeply love my family (well most of the time!), and I love some of my friends dearly.

Fr B in his sermon today, said there were people out there who do not love themselves, and see nothing good about themselves, and so not have an over-riding ego, when they are the people who need one - he then went on to say, how this was sad, and that things should be done to help these people. Now, I am not saying that I need a huge ego, and that I don't have anyone to help me. But it is sad. When I see people really happy with where they are, with their life, and their body - I wish and pray that at some point I can be like that.

But this does not mean that I cannot love. In fact, this came up in Taizé, and I was so upset about it, I talked for a long time to one of the Brothers about it after an evening prayer - a very emotional talk it was as well. I will not say what I said, or what was said to me - some things have to be kept personal, but it helped. Not completely - I was told by anither friend that the hardest part for me in this was to learn to love myself...

I am missing Taizé a lot at the moment. I am missing the honesty with myself that I had when I was out there, as I had the time to think about what was going on, and work out how I actually felt about different situations. Being depressed isnt just about feeling down - its feeling helpless. useless, worthless, angry with yourself, not understanding what is going on, powerless. Different situations lead to different feelings. In normal life, I dont have time to think about things so deeply, and meditatively, and have so much prayer time - yes I should make more time, but here I dont have the time for meditation three times a day, a church 5 minutes away from my accomodation that I can walk into at whatever time of the day, and people i can talk to when i need to. so yeah, I miss it.

all in all, this piece of scripture does baffle me a little, but i am trying to get to grips with some of the interpretations that I have been given of it.

enough from my tonight

Ok, it has been a while since I last blogged...reason being Taizé.

This year, I went for two weeks, easily could have stayed for longer, but got so much out of the two weeks it was immense. Now, a lot has happened to me in the last year, a lot happened to me in the few weeks before going, so I had a lot of food for thought. This year, I went seperately from my group on the coach, but met with the lovely people from East Anglia - some of whom I knew from last year. They adopted me, and let me camp up with them! I waved in Petts Wood when they arrived on Sunday evening.

The first week I did a verse by verse bible study on the first 3 chapters of revelations - absolutely fantastic, I litter collected in the morning, partook in Dr Who lands in Taizé, and on the Saturday night candle-lit service, cried my way through a brother making his life commitment to the Community.

On the second week, I thought I was going to be very lonely, with Petts Wood and East Anglia leaving - I thought wrong. I did a Bible study for 25-35 year olds, and was part of an amazing small group, I met some lovely Irish girls, I worked in Oyak, and I had the chance to speak to many brothers about my problems, including the famous Br Paulo!

Of course, and most importantly I had loads and loads and loads of time to spend with God which was my main intention for going to Taizé...with my busy year, and life just generally spent running around, sometimes God gets pushed aside a bit - not forgotton, but certainly not given the praise that He deserves. Taizé, even though filled to the brim with people, gave me the peace I needed to spend time with God - down at the Source, or as many an evening went by, just sitting in the church. I rarely left the church before 12:30 in the morning - which meant for some tired eyes, but it did a lot for my relationship with God.

If I am being honest, the silence was hard in the first few services - getting back into Taizé worship took time, but once I was there, I had a chance to tackle questions, some very personal, that have arisen over the year. The one thing I did discover, and I am not ashamed to admit was that I was and am internally very angry with a few things, people, situations, outcomes. Instead of coping with it, I internalised it, and started to become angry with me...not only was this beginning to make me ill and not sleep, but it was not doing the self harm any good. Only when I had time to reflect as to what was going on with my life, did I realise I was angry...and the thing is, I have learnt to cover up many an emotion, this was another that was swept under the carpet - that "didn't matter". Obviously it does matter, and now needs to be worked on, but now God is there to help me. The silence gave me time to explore situations that have occurred over the last year, losing people both physically and metaphorically, deciding where to go with my job, trying to discover what God is calling me to have relationship wise, thinking about the senior youth group at church. Solutions were not found - there were no bolts of lightening, no visions, or anything like that to say the least, but there was the feeling of gaining strength to battle problems and face up to problems, and not just walk away - to stick up for myself, but most importantly, to know that God is walking with me through this all and so will be there for me.

During the two weeks I had a few chats with Brother Paulo. On my last Saturday - I was supposed to be doing my shift on OYAK, but sod that, I needed to chat with Paulo. Indeed, I bascially just cried infront of him, declaring the fact that I did not want to go home, but he gave some wise words to me, and I know that he will be praying for me, and so yeah, that was lovely.

Taizé never ceases to surprise me. How friendships can develop so quickly - how welcoming the brothers are to the young in the community, how one of the brothers can resemble Robbie Williams so strongly...

I had a great two weeks...

Since coming home, I have been busy. I sadly could not get time off work so quickly after coming back from one holiday to go to Italy to see Mark and Monica marry, but I did see Ruth and Chas marry in my parish church. I have been out with Chris and Sarah, I have been out with work, I have been to a BBQ, I have been to see the most sublime music get played at the Proms - St Johns Passion (Bach), by the Monteverdi Choir - just absolutely great....and today I had a mini Nottingham uni reunion in London.....

all in all a busy few weeks...and a busy few weeks to come.

it has been a weird few weeks for sure. The same week after I had a break-up, on that Friday I found out that even though I had received the very rarely given exceeded rating in my appraisal, I was then told that my contract was not going to get extended. Gutted. I had previously been talking to my old boss Steve about all of my options, and he said he would be truly gutted of they didnt keep me, and he is. He has been an incredible help recently in trying to lift my spirits, and has been an amazing support that I appreciate. Both he and I are genuinely very gutted. I found out today that I have got my job to the end of December (so extended for a month and a half), but after that - new year..new job....or maybe! This has opened the potential for a few things...travelling, or even more left field trying to find sponsorhip for a phd!

so my life has been very uncertain in many ways. I have however become very close to my housemate Erica, and we have recently had our Christianity tested in a few ways with another of our hoursemates which has been tense, but yeah, we are working through it.

have been doing some 'cultured' activities. i went to see the live screening of the marriage of figaro from the royal opera house to trafalgar square which was just amazing - a picnic for 8,000 people. i also went to the first night of the proms with my brother - it was amazing. i have since booked for eirca, myself, my priest, his wife and his son to see St Johns Passion by Bach (what we sang at Easter) sung by the Montiverdi Choir at one of the Proms...this time I will not embark on a relationship with the evangelist and tenor soloist! It won't get me that far. In fact in the words of Chris..."maybe your next boyfriend should not appear so much on youtube" is a step in the correct direction.

i have also been partaking in a baby shower (the next one PRBC wants to hold is mine...they will be waiting a while), karaoke, BBQ's, a cinema trip to Mammamia...

...but for the next few weeks I will be camping in Taizé in my own tent...I need this time to focus back on God, to meet new people, to get advice from people who may really help me, and just to get my life back on track before I get more upset/hurt/lost.

my holiday has officially begun...am packing listening to a variety of tunes on my compauter - I am to a little bit of hand washing, and then sleep in my king-sized bed under a solid roof for the last time in a quite a bit of time!

It has been a while since I have done it..but yesterday I did it again - I cried in church - not just a little tear - but big full on snotty crying! not intentionally, but a lot of anger and upset came to a boil late saturday night/early sunday morning. for probably the first time in a my life I stood up to a man that was not treating me so well, and although i felt crappy yesterday, i have so made the right decision and am proud of myself for doing it. a relationship of me, a man and his ego and arrogance was never going to work...ah the downfall of dating someone who had there time in the celebrity sphere and was still wishing they were in it! but i feel a lot better than i did yesterday...and I do complain about my parish, but yesterday when people I did not know came up to hug me, I was proud to be part of my parish.

i also have to say that i have been blessed with lovely housemates who looked after me in the evening, and who sent me texts of thoughts and love today...i am blessed to have another Christian in the house, and i get on with her like a house on fire, and so I really feel God has provided for me with good friends, even if a partner is more hard to come by!

All i can say is bring on my two weeks in Taizé - if there was ever a time to bring my thoughts back to God it is now

It has been a while since I have written - and the main is I have been settling into my house, and unpacking, and waiting for the landlord to fix the internet...that has now all been done, and so here I am!
Loving my new house - it has been two weeks now, the four of us get on very well, and it is just great. this weekend i tackled the jungle of our garden, and that is also looking a lot better. I had some other exciting news this weekend, but i have been asked to keep this silent for a bit, but people who i have met in person, have had to put up with a very excited me!
work has been very hard recently, not busy wise, but I have not been getting on with my boss - infact last week, my boss made me cry, and so it has been pretty tense in the office. but i am just trying to get on with my work the best that I can, and keep my head down.
a few weeks until I go to taize, and i am very excited...longer for this time, and i am also taking my own tent - should be interesting!
right, DPC minutes to type up, and a dinner to cook..had better get on!

wohoo! I have moved house! I am sharing a house with two other girls...we all moved into the empty on Saturday, and have been getting to know each other..the house is cool - i have a huge room, into which i am still unpacking, but I am getting there slowly.

the lsrc conference also went really well - like amazingly well. I was given a huge clap with flowers and chocolates at the end after all my stupidly hard work and no sleep. It was good that steve could come for some of it as well (the last day), and really enjoy it, and give me a huge hug when it had finished, and invite me round to the pub when i had sorted everything out with Greenwich afterwards. i have had eminent professors email me to personally congtratualte me for one of the best conferences they have ever been to

all in all it has been ok....

just a few issues mood wise, and stuff wise, but otherwise I am there!

Its the LSRC conference these next few days, and so these last two days have been manic! I had to deal with broken down printers...stressed bosses, and deadlines...but all has been done! I will be "Reaching Further: New Approaches to the Delivery of Legal Services" for three days....Greenwich is good! And I was called a great big bright star by my old boss...which is brilliant...it made my day. I had good Zosia loving on the emails from delegates today, so it would be nice to meet them personally after contacting them for a year!

so that is it!

moving house on saturday as well...that will be interesting!

and a little extra - we raised another £170 for Bromley Alzheimers Care on Sunday for singing at the residents association - this made me happy...I love to sing, and raising money for such a good cause as well - its just good.

I have had a happy sad week this week. I don't really want to speak about the sad, but the happy happened today - I have signed a contract to move into a house-share next weekend. This is a good move for me, as I have been becoming more miserable at home, and will give me the opportunity to meet new people as well. and for the first time ever in my life I will have a double bed - and I am very excited about that - a brand new bed as well - I will be the first to sleep on it! I have the room over looking the back garden...I will have to find a new running route though - this is important for me to do! need to keep my running up! so yeah - i will be moving in with two other girls - we are all moving in at the same time...we have never met each other, so this will be very interesting indeed.

anyways, work is very hectic, as next week, the conference I have been organising takes place, and so I will have a lot to do...and I am hoping that it all goes well.

youth mass this weekend, should be good

looking forward to Taize again this summer - i am going for longer this year

i really need to discern what God wants me to do with my life...there are some questions that I need answering...some big questions

work....something I do usually between 9:30-6:30 monday to friday...not this week. I have worked gone 7 most days, on friday I was in the office until 8, and I worked for 7 hours yesterday - yes on a Saturday...it is just wrong, and I do not get paid enough to do it, but hey ho, it has to be done.

Today, I was singing which is something that many people know I love to do...I was singing for the Petts wood residence associationb service, raising money from Bromley Alzeimers care trust. Now, most people know that dementia has effected our family greatly, and really upset me seeing my grandad deteriorate in the way that he did. It was hard listening to the talk, but it was an informative talk. It was good that Bach (when we sang the Passion at Easter) raised £2000 for them, and I hope the selling of the CD and the collection today also raise a lot of money for the trust and the cause, as it is well deserved. The singing went down really well, and I was happy with that...with only 3 altos - we sang well!

Now, i may have trouble attracting eligible men, but old ladies are a different matter...the number of elderly ladies that talked to me after the service today was silly. The number of times I was told I would make a good wife/daughter in law/mother (?), and how they would like a grand-daughter like me was silly, verging on embaressing. I know that many of them are lonley, and I do chat to them, but some of their statements do make me laugh. It was good as always having a chat with Chris and Sarah who help me put things into perspective, and have become dear friends recently...and yes it is true what Sarah says - life is not always easy and we muct battle on...well battle on I will try and do, but it is hard at the moment...

may have some good news soon, but I really don't want to jinx it.

am tired, and a bit stressed. but trying to remain positive - it is hard sometimes though.

this week my average time of leaving the office, I guess would be 7...I am not enjoying my 9 hours in the office - i have some very tight deadlines for the conference that I am organising, but hey...hopefully it will all be worth it...this time in two weeks we will be at the conference banquet.

today i have also re-started my running. last year i was beginning to be able to do some good distances, and i am trying to get better, and improve my health, physically and mentally, and so I am starting my running again. I really enjoyed it, but I have seen a decline in my stamina, and do that needs to be improved again....my next aim is to run more often and improve that

it helped me tonight as i was particularly stressed...i was invited to the pub...but i decided to do some pro-active rather then drink my sorrows...have i turned a leaf? I don't know...not really when i go to bed teary, but hopefully the running will help that

i am currently suffering from a little bit of insomnia which is not very good - it is making me tired and tearful, and i don't like it, and would rather wish it would go away so that I could actually get one night of decent sleep. Life is hard at the moment - my mood seems to be the lowest it has been for a long time, I am teary, and just have no energy to do the simplest of tasks, which is just not like me. I am becoming increasingly apathetic about everything, and I don't want to be like this. Work is becoming something of a chore rather than something I used to really enjoy. I has a little smile on my face for a bit yesterday when the choir reformed again, but apart from that, I am becoming more insular, internalising things, and just generally feeling shit.

I really need to sleep.

well, work got me very stressed this week - so stressed in fact that I have been averaging about 3 hours a sleep a night, and am losing my appetite. On one day this week, I survived a day on a carrot, a stick of celery and chunk of cucumber and a slice of bread...not the best I know. My mood is dropping at a great rate. Nigel noticed, and so he invited me to Cambridge this weekend...I went up after work last night (which was real good, as I found out a few days earlier from Ben, that he was singing then too - so we went to go and see him - he was v surprised to see me, and I got a big hug). Nigel and his partner Julia did a brilliant de-stress job for me...we had many a cocktail, then some wine, then got a take-away curry, and had some great chats. This morning they took me out in Cambridge to see some of the colleges, we had some great hot chocolates, and then we met up with the head of the LSRC who is on career-break and went to Zizzi's for some yummy food. Nigel then kindly drove me back to the station, where I then made my way to church as I had been asked to appear at the welcome new members of parish evening.

on thursday at out church, 49 young people got confirmed - it was a beautiful evening, and I cried a lot of the way through the service...seeing them all get confirmed really strengthened my idea of a re-dedication service, and Fr B is really helping me with this. The Bishops homily was spot on, Jeremiah 29:11, something really helping me in a lot of situations at the moment. there is something about singing venne sancte spiritus that gets me every time, and makes me hugely excited about going to Taizé again this summer - a great place for everyone to go, whether they are happy with their faith or not (or not even religious at all). It helped me incredibly last year, and I am thinking about going for 2 weeks this year, so I can really build upon some new things happening with me at the moment.

On wednesday I met up with Ben after his opera school, fell asleep in his flat on his couch, and so that was a very strange thursday morning/during the night, when I did not recognise where i was when i woke up! very strange...but he was very sweet about it - thankfully. It is not something that I hope to make a habit of...the shower was rubbish in the morning!

I am also flat hunting/flat-share hunting as I am getting stressed at home, becomineg more insular, and not happy.

so it is all rather busy at the moment, and i am tired. Fr B is being very supportive, a fact that I am very happy about, and he is going to help me with the senior youth group when we start it soon, to keep those who have just been confirmed interested in the church still

short post
Have been very tired...work has been super stressful, just so much to do, it seems never ending...
also, have been doing loads of reading...flat hunting....sorting out my finances....church stuff.

just been having a lot of stuff to do, have been stressed, and having stress reactions, but all is improving!
and good weather too!

take care, hope your weeks are going well

i am glad that the sun has decided to show itself...about time.
I was talking to a friend of mine who works in mental health the other day, and she said something that has got me thinking, and I have been doing some internet research, and it has got me a little upset/concerned you may say. just another thing to think about.

work is super busy, I will be so glad when the conference I am organising is done...I have been working on it for over a year now, so it all should run smoothly - my boss seems to think that I am organising it well...i can cover things up quite easily.

continuous headaches and tiredness just seem to be the norm at the moment...plus doing lots of church stuff...which is fun but tiring.

Got the CDs of the SJP we did this weekend - it is quite funny listening to it again...am very much looking forward to hear Bens reaction to it. According to Ben, I speak nasally, and he should know because (as he was saying this, his head was exploding) he is a voice expert - oh la-de-dah! and what did he offer to get me for my birthday....speech therapy. cheeky bastard...apparently I will get a good teacher...guess who that will be!

another evening, another concert - it was very good...and luckily another free ticket! hurrah! ben sang great again...he was quite pleased with how it went...but witnessing groupies at work is something so scary...was quite funny walking very fast away afterwards to try a lose them...a nice meal was had after...including sword fights with chop-sticks, thumb wars and laughing happened. being childish is good fun....

anyways, am quite tired, and must sleep!

so it has been just over a week...a lot has happened
I have turned 25! i spent a quiet eve with my family - going out for a meal, and having a good drink! that was really pleasant...work were lovely as per usual, and I have been meeting up for drinks with other people, to have a quick celebration, but more of a natter really.

i have been down to brighton on an away day with work...we went down on wednesday afternoon after a morning in the office, and came back on thursday evening, after a 7 hour team meeting (which i only dozed off in once). we got a lot discussed, has a good meal, played with Marisol's children (I played a trumpet), stayed in a great hotel and did a lot of laughing

at the weekend i helped at a confirmandi youth ministry weekend, with 30 of the children who will be confirmed in two weeks time. this was tiring but worthwhile, and it was a nice sunny day that helped (however, I was disturbed by many comments)...after i walked over to daves to have a chat, and then went to sit in a nice beer garden with Chris, Sarah and Dave to chat and joke...

sunday was church, followed by the near purchasing of our SJP performance CD, but I did not have enough cash, and they did not accept cards - i had to reserve two, as ben wants one, and one he shall have, having sung most of it for us! the rest of the afternoon was spent, napping, listening to music and sorting out photos

Monday - was work again - i was kanckered but had lots to do, and luckily as the office was very quiet - i got lots done. i have also made some plans for friday that I am quite happy about which should be good fun. i also finished another Austen - Mansfield Park - and it was an excellent book...love Austen with a passion. the eve finishhed with a flurry of texts, a listen to Nick Drake and quite a sleepless night.

today, hilarities in the office ensued, work was busy, but i still had fun...and have had a relaxing eve as the end of the week is busier then the beginning, but I am quite excited by it all.

well, that has condensed it all slightly, but hey - take care all of you
xx

Update: Concert good - choir good, soloists good, music good! so all in all I had a good evening. went out for a few drinks after which was nice, and ended up going home with a bouquet of flowers that are now in the lounge! am glad that a ticket was reserved for me, as it was a really good spot, near the front and in the middle, so I had a good view...it was just a good evening all round.

with my impending turning of age this week - i am making a concerted effort to become more cultural and grown up - so today i am going to a choral concert in Sy Johns, Smith square...btu my day has just got better, as I have just been left a message that a ticket has been purchased for me, and I just have to ask for it when i turn up! good news indeed! and just for clarification...does my voicemail sound like i have swallowed a tank of helium?

and I am going to Brighton on a work away day this week..so my effort to become more cultural may have a day off, as Nigel is planning an evening of fun! oh yeah!

Saturday was a bit of a disappointment in Zosia world - I tidied my room, and did a lot of reading, and in the evening was doing some long distance consoling for somebody who thought they were unable to run the marathon...

However, Sunday was a lot better. I was awoken by an early text message - with good news, that my friend could run the marathon after all - they would let him register for his number that morning. I was always going to watch it as I knew 4 people running this year...and so up to town in a more jubilant mood. I got a really good spot - right at the front at 400 m to go...I saw the wheelchair race end, I saw the elite men and women....I saw Gordon Ramsey...I saw Will, then later I saw Jonathan, and them much later I saw Ben, I didnt see Tim! Jon heard my cheer (I have a good pair of lungs to get heard over the rest of the crowd)...Ben didnt hear my cheer I dont think, but he was smiling through the pain...to think he was singing in a concert last night also...

It was an amazing day, so motivating...makes me want to try and apply for next year, and also has motivated me to take up my running again for certain. Cheering people on was great fun, and watching other runners motivate other runners was really good. these people tested themselves and raised thousands for charity - it was incredibly humbling even. I chatted to people to the left and right to me, let people share my umbrella, and was offered many a mint humbug by elderly ladies!

I was also on phone contact with Nigel from work who was trying to spot me on the telly, and telling me who was where and to spot them - this was funny.

so, i am going to take up my training again, and see what happens, who knows it may improve my mood.

yeah, and today, back to work...but now I am watching one of my favourite dvds to cheer myself up, as something has happened today that upset me incredibly....oh well....

this week has been quite emotional for me. Over the past few months stuff has happened to me, and I have been keeping it quiet from someone important - until this week, when I told them. and just as I thought, they were great about it, let me cry about it, and just still be there for me, and for that I am very thankful. what a dear friend they have become, and I am so happy for that - when i have lost all faith in myself, they have been there...but they respect me, and I thank them for that most of all. I dont like being played like a fool, so yeah...it has made me subdued, as I have been having to face up to realisations, and it has involved a lot of tears and still is causing a lot of pain...

...and on top of that work has been super stressful, but also, great. my team look after me, and treat me well, and today, not for the first time, I was called their ray of sunshine - even when i was having a bad day. i love my team...

and yeah, i have a few friends running the marathon this weekend- good luck to you all, and i will be there to cheer you on, and hopefully see you at the end.

hello
well, this year I managed the Easter Tridium, no ambulance trip into a &e this good friday! it was very good to have made it, and what a remembrance of what we actually believe in. I was reading at the Sunday service, so i went to that too! the week at work has been busy and chilled all at once, but lots of laughs so that is good. The conference planning is coming along well, and yeah.
in zosia world, well things are going on...some good some bad, and am in a process of double guessing things which is really hard, and so I am turning to God a lot, which is good to be sure, but I dont want to be double guessing things.
so, yeah, normality proceeds then

good news! my presentation went really well. people have already emailed us, asking for our presentation to be sent to them, and also wanting to cite our work (although it hasnt officially been published yet, due to its controversial nature, and the need for a follow up). So it was good. The bad thing was I was out of my depth, as I know nothing about law...so when it came to the conference dinner (in Manchester Town Hall - was very posh), I was happy when I was seated near the band, as they were on my level, and very friendly, and, later I went out into Manchester with them!

My journey up to Manchester was awful, my journey back to the office was much better - i did all I had to do, then went home to Washing of the feet Mass, and today, I have just come back from Good Friday Mass, and it is now raining like it hasd not rained before for a long time - lovely!

Very exciting things are happening at the moment...but as per usual a bank holiday weekend - the cold comes...as someone told me...its your bodies way of telling you that you are tired...so true!

have a blessed Easter everyone

Bach went soooo well this weekend! Just amazingly. On saturday we had the first performance in the evening, and this was also the first time we had sung it through completely with the orchestra and the soloists. And i cried...it was so moving. Bach's interpretation in St John's passion is just so good. Sunday night was however, even better...just amazing. Our choir was formed 10 weeks ago...of people who had not even sung this type of music before. The soloists could not believe it, the audience could not believe it.

I am so glad that I got involved in the project - not only did it challenge me vocally, but it also challenged me spiritually and emotionally. Being teary and trying to sing is hard. But the buzz I had when we had finished was just so incredibly amazing.

and an added bonus was that I managed to have a good long chat with our special soloist - the ex G4 man Ben, and my priest was laughing at me a lot...but then was later encouraging flirting! oh dear. But the photographer came at a good moment to get this shot:

As you can see it was a little impromptu - it was more like a come here there is a camera infront of us, shot - but I still like it.

This was 10 minutes before we went out to sing...and it was nice to see that even professionals suffer from nerves.

I want to publicly thank my priest Fr Bryan Wells for persuading me to do this, and challenge and push me in such a way. I really thank him!

just to say, Bach is going really well - our rehearsal today was really good, so there is hope for next week when we perform.

all else, this last week has been a hard week - i have been forced to talk about issues, and think back over a) in one conversation the last 10 years of my life, and b) in another conversation the last 8 months of my life...both were hard, and not very nice conversations which have left me in a little turmoil as to what to do now, next and in the future...and how to cope and even begin to understand why things have happened

lets see what this week brings up..

but here is a photo of good times:

This is Karl, Dave and I on our trip to Switzerland over the new year. Beautiful scenary, great friends, and lots of laughing happened that day...as well as snowball fights, and a good pub visit in the evening.

This was a good time...

a few more things that I had forgotton to mention. Last weekend we had family from the USof A over which was really cool (i had to leave for over 2 hours for my Bach rehearsal), but some of the family I had never even met before, including the cutest little 5 1/2 year old Lily! I absolutely LOVED being called Auntie Zosia all day - it was amazing fun. Just playing with her, and colouring in, and introducing her to all my cuddly toys...and then there was the tickling! It was so much fun...my brothers at the end of the day kept on asking just how little kids want to play with me all the time! I dont know!

obviously - there is the Bach Sy Johns passion I am involved in. If anyone who reads this lives in my area then come along - Saturday the 15th its in the URC church, and Sunday the 16th its in my Parish church. and if you want any more incentive, the main evangelist is someone who used to be in G4 - i know that doesnt sound really cool, but for a little church production - we are pretty pleased about it.

and finally - can we pray for my church...not only are we doing the Bach - but I am involved in getting a senior youth group going for when the 50 teenages get confirmed they still have some faith formation available to them, and I am also trying to get a 20's-30's eccumenical group going also. I have a lot of support from my priest who is so encouraging, but prayer is needed to help this all happen!

well, we shall see what happens....