it has been a while since I have blogged and a lot has continued. I have officially given in my notice - horay! 12 more days of employment as I know it...

I have been trying to get more info about my PhD and the uni I am going to be studying in - it is quite daunting to be starting out again...but it is something that I have been wanting to do for a while.

I have been to see "Imagine This" at the theatre - it was brilliant! now, please do not believe everything you read in the press about this show - it was fabulous! It was a play about hope and had me in tears - just fabulous - a musical about the Warsaw Ghetto is not meant to work - bt this one really does - go see it if you can.

Have also been to see Sleeping Beauty at the Coliseum - I have not been to the ballet for so long, and this was something just super special to see - also an amazing night.

Have been doing a lot of choir stuff as we are doing a Christmas service, and then singing in mid-night mass, and this has been challenging but good. I am singing out of my usual range so my throat has been sore, but it is always good to learn new music - bring on the new year and the Messiah! what a challenge and a half.

and have been to an American Thanksgiving, and now the Christmas celebration season is in swing, and a few leaving drinks to go to...and maybe something quite special for Erica and I if Chris can sort it for us...we shall see.

anyways, that is enough from me for now

Hi all

I am a bit drunk when typing this - so sorry!

Why you may ask...well yesterday was just a whirlwind

as you may have gathered from my blog, there has been another job opportunity in the pipeline that would stop me from taking a bloody good salary that the internal job would give me! well yesterday this excitement was concluded...I was offered the PhD that I went for...what is that..a PhD...

Yes, for some strange reason - I decided that it would be a good idea to apply for one, and apply I did - an interview I got, and an interview I passed, and the position was offered! It is a fully funded PhD, for three years, in London, so I am quite excited..

I am in a somewhat envious position in that I have two jobs offered - went for two and got both...did not think that would happen at all...but it has. decisions will have to be made this weekend, but I think I know which one I am going to go for....

oh well!

Zx

Gott lass meine Gedanken sich sammein zu dir. Bei dir ist das Licht, du vergisst mich nicht. Bei dir ist die Hilfe, bei dir ist die Geduld. Ich verstehe deine Wege nict, aber du weisst den Weg fur mich

(Taizé chant)

Just beautiful, and kind of sums things up at the moment.

share it

everything else wise, they advertised my job at work today - a kick in the teeth...but hey win some, lose some, life goes on

It has been a stressful few weeks, which is why I have been silent. As people know, my work contract was not extended so I have been having to find a new job, and with the crisis that is going on at the moment, I was frightened about not getting a job.

That worry kindof ended this week, when I found out I had been offered the internal job that I went for. having never really been through a proper assessment centre before it was so very stressful, and I was literally stressful, but I must have done something right. The position is two levels above the one that I am currently at, and a different focus - but it looks good. It is in Steves department, but not his team, but that is a weight off my mind. I have not accepted the job yet, as I am waiting to hear about something else I have applied for, and if I get the other placement, then some decisions will have to be made....so that has reduced the worry somewhat.

otherwise, I have been a bit up and down moodwise, but I have had some lovely people here to help me through it all, and I am doing God stuff to help me too. I have thrown myself into church stuff, helping with the youth group (youth ministry training has now been completed), and tomorrow Brother Paulo from Taizé is in London, and so I am helping with that.

I have been to the Mews again which was fun, and have had various people round to tea, and Erica is back from her holiday which is just great - it is good to have her back. have fed the ducks in St James' Park a lot with work colleagues in our lunch break, and just generally trying to keep myself going...

we shall see

It has taken a while, but St James is now a Fairtrade church!

http://www.stjamespettswood.org/

it is good news....

Had a Taizé reunion meal last night - was very much fun...talking about our planned trip to Taizé next year - will do two weeks again - am ready for the week in silence, and think it would be good to do...but am looking forward for Bro Paulo coming to London, but also Taizé in Brussels this year. I get a lot of peace from Taizé music at the moment - it is so relaxing, and really helps me focus. Fr B has not put my new stuff onto the web-pages yet, about the trip this year, but that should happen soon.

stuff wise, have been very stresses, and excema on the eye-lid is not very pleasant...

have had a very busy week - was introduced to baby samuel - so so so so so so very very cute...and a good choice in name as well!

also, have been to Buck Palace, and stroked the queens horses...indeed...

other than that, have had a lazy day today as it was much needed, and also at last had a hair cut, with the hairdresser being very careful, as excema on the scalp is causing a lot of pain in the washing and the brushing of hair....

hope all is well else where...am tired, so I am signing out for the eve

xx

its been a bit of a weird month:
Housewise - Ewa moved out as her girlfriend came over from Poland and they are now living together - miss Ewa...but we gained a Daria, another Polish girl who is just as great. Sammy was kindof evicted....the boiler is broken - waiting for the gas man tomorrow, as we just want a little warmth in the house now. Since Sammy has left it has been a better house....

Jobwise - am still working, applied for a new job last week, and am doing another random application this week...the random one is potentially very exciting, but am still looking for other things...we moved head offices so I now work near Victoria, which is good, as I can do things like go to Mass, or just go and pray in Westminster Cathedral in my lunch hour, or before and after worl.

Church wise - am still going! we have been doing a youth ministry course, last session this tuesday. we are going to start a senior youth group aside from the junior one. have been challenged by a few things, but some good prayer has come of late...

me wise - still up and down...have been hit by stress headaches, and eczema...not so good. i have done a 13 k walk/run for charity (see facebook as to how to sponsor...you still can!), have purchased my first ever pair if skinny jeans....

...but it is the 10th anniversary of my gran dying...the first member of my family that I remember going to a funeral of, and the granny that I actually saw pass away. that has been on my mind, but i know she is resting in peace now...just cannot believe it has been 10 years - it is insane...

will continue getting applications written this week...and am working from home tomorrow morning so I can let the gas man in!

take care one and all

x

Today at church in the second reading, we had the phrase that often...and still does cause me a great deal of confusion, "Love your neighbour as you love yourself". Hard...why? well as many of you know, if you are regulat blog readers...I do not love myself. In fact there are many things that I despise about myself. Now, does that mean that I cannot love others? In my opinion no. I can love others - I deeply love my family (well most of the time!), and I love some of my friends dearly.

Fr B in his sermon today, said there were people out there who do not love themselves, and see nothing good about themselves, and so not have an over-riding ego, when they are the people who need one - he then went on to say, how this was sad, and that things should be done to help these people. Now, I am not saying that I need a huge ego, and that I don't have anyone to help me. But it is sad. When I see people really happy with where they are, with their life, and their body - I wish and pray that at some point I can be like that.

But this does not mean that I cannot love. In fact, this came up in Taizé, and I was so upset about it, I talked for a long time to one of the Brothers about it after an evening prayer - a very emotional talk it was as well. I will not say what I said, or what was said to me - some things have to be kept personal, but it helped. Not completely - I was told by anither friend that the hardest part for me in this was to learn to love myself...

I am missing Taizé a lot at the moment. I am missing the honesty with myself that I had when I was out there, as I had the time to think about what was going on, and work out how I actually felt about different situations. Being depressed isnt just about feeling down - its feeling helpless. useless, worthless, angry with yourself, not understanding what is going on, powerless. Different situations lead to different feelings. In normal life, I dont have time to think about things so deeply, and meditatively, and have so much prayer time - yes I should make more time, but here I dont have the time for meditation three times a day, a church 5 minutes away from my accomodation that I can walk into at whatever time of the day, and people i can talk to when i need to. so yeah, I miss it.

all in all, this piece of scripture does baffle me a little, but i am trying to get to grips with some of the interpretations that I have been given of it.

enough from my tonight

Ok, it has been a while since I last blogged...reason being Taizé.

This year, I went for two weeks, easily could have stayed for longer, but got so much out of the two weeks it was immense. Now, a lot has happened to me in the last year, a lot happened to me in the few weeks before going, so I had a lot of food for thought. This year, I went seperately from my group on the coach, but met with the lovely people from East Anglia - some of whom I knew from last year. They adopted me, and let me camp up with them! I waved in Petts Wood when they arrived on Sunday evening.

The first week I did a verse by verse bible study on the first 3 chapters of revelations - absolutely fantastic, I litter collected in the morning, partook in Dr Who lands in Taizé, and on the Saturday night candle-lit service, cried my way through a brother making his life commitment to the Community.

On the second week, I thought I was going to be very lonely, with Petts Wood and East Anglia leaving - I thought wrong. I did a Bible study for 25-35 year olds, and was part of an amazing small group, I met some lovely Irish girls, I worked in Oyak, and I had the chance to speak to many brothers about my problems, including the famous Br Paulo!

Of course, and most importantly I had loads and loads and loads of time to spend with God which was my main intention for going to Taizé...with my busy year, and life just generally spent running around, sometimes God gets pushed aside a bit - not forgotton, but certainly not given the praise that He deserves. Taizé, even though filled to the brim with people, gave me the peace I needed to spend time with God - down at the Source, or as many an evening went by, just sitting in the church. I rarely left the church before 12:30 in the morning - which meant for some tired eyes, but it did a lot for my relationship with God.

If I am being honest, the silence was hard in the first few services - getting back into Taizé worship took time, but once I was there, I had a chance to tackle questions, some very personal, that have arisen over the year. The one thing I did discover, and I am not ashamed to admit was that I was and am internally very angry with a few things, people, situations, outcomes. Instead of coping with it, I internalised it, and started to become angry with me...not only was this beginning to make me ill and not sleep, but it was not doing the self harm any good. Only when I had time to reflect as to what was going on with my life, did I realise I was angry...and the thing is, I have learnt to cover up many an emotion, this was another that was swept under the carpet - that "didn't matter". Obviously it does matter, and now needs to be worked on, but now God is there to help me. The silence gave me time to explore situations that have occurred over the last year, losing people both physically and metaphorically, deciding where to go with my job, trying to discover what God is calling me to have relationship wise, thinking about the senior youth group at church. Solutions were not found - there were no bolts of lightening, no visions, or anything like that to say the least, but there was the feeling of gaining strength to battle problems and face up to problems, and not just walk away - to stick up for myself, but most importantly, to know that God is walking with me through this all and so will be there for me.

During the two weeks I had a few chats with Brother Paulo. On my last Saturday - I was supposed to be doing my shift on OYAK, but sod that, I needed to chat with Paulo. Indeed, I bascially just cried infront of him, declaring the fact that I did not want to go home, but he gave some wise words to me, and I know that he will be praying for me, and so yeah, that was lovely.

Taizé never ceases to surprise me. How friendships can develop so quickly - how welcoming the brothers are to the young in the community, how one of the brothers can resemble Robbie Williams so strongly...

I had a great two weeks...

Since coming home, I have been busy. I sadly could not get time off work so quickly after coming back from one holiday to go to Italy to see Mark and Monica marry, but I did see Ruth and Chas marry in my parish church. I have been out with Chris and Sarah, I have been out with work, I have been to a BBQ, I have been to see the most sublime music get played at the Proms - St Johns Passion (Bach), by the Monteverdi Choir - just absolutely great....and today I had a mini Nottingham uni reunion in London.....

all in all a busy few weeks...and a busy few weeks to come.

it has been a weird few weeks for sure. The same week after I had a break-up, on that Friday I found out that even though I had received the very rarely given exceeded rating in my appraisal, I was then told that my contract was not going to get extended. Gutted. I had previously been talking to my old boss Steve about all of my options, and he said he would be truly gutted of they didnt keep me, and he is. He has been an incredible help recently in trying to lift my spirits, and has been an amazing support that I appreciate. Both he and I are genuinely very gutted. I found out today that I have got my job to the end of December (so extended for a month and a half), but after that - new year..new job....or maybe! This has opened the potential for a few things...travelling, or even more left field trying to find sponsorhip for a phd!

so my life has been very uncertain in many ways. I have however become very close to my housemate Erica, and we have recently had our Christianity tested in a few ways with another of our hoursemates which has been tense, but yeah, we are working through it.

have been doing some 'cultured' activities. i went to see the live screening of the marriage of figaro from the royal opera house to trafalgar square which was just amazing - a picnic for 8,000 people. i also went to the first night of the proms with my brother - it was amazing. i have since booked for eirca, myself, my priest, his wife and his son to see St Johns Passion by Bach (what we sang at Easter) sung by the Montiverdi Choir at one of the Proms...this time I will not embark on a relationship with the evangelist and tenor soloist! It won't get me that far. In fact in the words of Chris..."maybe your next boyfriend should not appear so much on youtube" is a step in the correct direction.

i have also been partaking in a baby shower (the next one PRBC wants to hold is mine...they will be waiting a while), karaoke, BBQ's, a cinema trip to Mammamia...

...but for the next few weeks I will be camping in Taizé in my own tent...I need this time to focus back on God, to meet new people, to get advice from people who may really help me, and just to get my life back on track before I get more upset/hurt/lost.

my holiday has officially begun...am packing listening to a variety of tunes on my compauter - I am to a little bit of hand washing, and then sleep in my king-sized bed under a solid roof for the last time in a quite a bit of time!

It has been a while since I have done it..but yesterday I did it again - I cried in church - not just a little tear - but big full on snotty crying! not intentionally, but a lot of anger and upset came to a boil late saturday night/early sunday morning. for probably the first time in a my life I stood up to a man that was not treating me so well, and although i felt crappy yesterday, i have so made the right decision and am proud of myself for doing it. a relationship of me, a man and his ego and arrogance was never going to work...ah the downfall of dating someone who had there time in the celebrity sphere and was still wishing they were in it! but i feel a lot better than i did yesterday...and I do complain about my parish, but yesterday when people I did not know came up to hug me, I was proud to be part of my parish.

i also have to say that i have been blessed with lovely housemates who looked after me in the evening, and who sent me texts of thoughts and love today...i am blessed to have another Christian in the house, and i get on with her like a house on fire, and so I really feel God has provided for me with good friends, even if a partner is more hard to come by!

All i can say is bring on my two weeks in Taizé - if there was ever a time to bring my thoughts back to God it is now

It has been a while since I have written - and the main is I have been settling into my house, and unpacking, and waiting for the landlord to fix the internet...that has now all been done, and so here I am!
Loving my new house - it has been two weeks now, the four of us get on very well, and it is just great. this weekend i tackled the jungle of our garden, and that is also looking a lot better. I had some other exciting news this weekend, but i have been asked to keep this silent for a bit, but people who i have met in person, have had to put up with a very excited me!
work has been very hard recently, not busy wise, but I have not been getting on with my boss - infact last week, my boss made me cry, and so it has been pretty tense in the office. but i am just trying to get on with my work the best that I can, and keep my head down.
a few weeks until I go to taize, and i am very excited...longer for this time, and i am also taking my own tent - should be interesting!
right, DPC minutes to type up, and a dinner to cook..had better get on!

wohoo! I have moved house! I am sharing a house with two other girls...we all moved into the empty on Saturday, and have been getting to know each other..the house is cool - i have a huge room, into which i am still unpacking, but I am getting there slowly.

the lsrc conference also went really well - like amazingly well. I was given a huge clap with flowers and chocolates at the end after all my stupidly hard work and no sleep. It was good that steve could come for some of it as well (the last day), and really enjoy it, and give me a huge hug when it had finished, and invite me round to the pub when i had sorted everything out with Greenwich afterwards. i have had eminent professors email me to personally congtratualte me for one of the best conferences they have ever been to

all in all it has been ok....

just a few issues mood wise, and stuff wise, but otherwise I am there!

Its the LSRC conference these next few days, and so these last two days have been manic! I had to deal with broken down printers...stressed bosses, and deadlines...but all has been done! I will be "Reaching Further: New Approaches to the Delivery of Legal Services" for three days....Greenwich is good! And I was called a great big bright star by my old boss...which is brilliant...it made my day. I had good Zosia loving on the emails from delegates today, so it would be nice to meet them personally after contacting them for a year!

so that is it!

moving house on saturday as well...that will be interesting!

and a little extra - we raised another £170 for Bromley Alzheimers Care on Sunday for singing at the residents association - this made me happy...I love to sing, and raising money for such a good cause as well - its just good.

I have had a happy sad week this week. I don't really want to speak about the sad, but the happy happened today - I have signed a contract to move into a house-share next weekend. This is a good move for me, as I have been becoming more miserable at home, and will give me the opportunity to meet new people as well. and for the first time ever in my life I will have a double bed - and I am very excited about that - a brand new bed as well - I will be the first to sleep on it! I have the room over looking the back garden...I will have to find a new running route though - this is important for me to do! need to keep my running up! so yeah - i will be moving in with two other girls - we are all moving in at the same time...we have never met each other, so this will be very interesting indeed.

anyways, work is very hectic, as next week, the conference I have been organising takes place, and so I will have a lot to do...and I am hoping that it all goes well.

youth mass this weekend, should be good

looking forward to Taize again this summer - i am going for longer this year

i really need to discern what God wants me to do with my life...there are some questions that I need answering...some big questions

work....something I do usually between 9:30-6:30 monday to friday...not this week. I have worked gone 7 most days, on friday I was in the office until 8, and I worked for 7 hours yesterday - yes on a Saturday...it is just wrong, and I do not get paid enough to do it, but hey ho, it has to be done.

Today, I was singing which is something that many people know I love to do...I was singing for the Petts wood residence associationb service, raising money from Bromley Alzeimers care trust. Now, most people know that dementia has effected our family greatly, and really upset me seeing my grandad deteriorate in the way that he did. It was hard listening to the talk, but it was an informative talk. It was good that Bach (when we sang the Passion at Easter) raised £2000 for them, and I hope the selling of the CD and the collection today also raise a lot of money for the trust and the cause, as it is well deserved. The singing went down really well, and I was happy with that...with only 3 altos - we sang well!

Now, i may have trouble attracting eligible men, but old ladies are a different matter...the number of elderly ladies that talked to me after the service today was silly. The number of times I was told I would make a good wife/daughter in law/mother (?), and how they would like a grand-daughter like me was silly, verging on embaressing. I know that many of them are lonley, and I do chat to them, but some of their statements do make me laugh. It was good as always having a chat with Chris and Sarah who help me put things into perspective, and have become dear friends recently...and yes it is true what Sarah says - life is not always easy and we muct battle on...well battle on I will try and do, but it is hard at the moment...

may have some good news soon, but I really don't want to jinx it.

am tired, and a bit stressed. but trying to remain positive - it is hard sometimes though.

this week my average time of leaving the office, I guess would be 7...I am not enjoying my 9 hours in the office - i have some very tight deadlines for the conference that I am organising, but hey...hopefully it will all be worth it...this time in two weeks we will be at the conference banquet.

today i have also re-started my running. last year i was beginning to be able to do some good distances, and i am trying to get better, and improve my health, physically and mentally, and so I am starting my running again. I really enjoyed it, but I have seen a decline in my stamina, and do that needs to be improved again....my next aim is to run more often and improve that

it helped me tonight as i was particularly stressed...i was invited to the pub...but i decided to do some pro-active rather then drink my sorrows...have i turned a leaf? I don't know...not really when i go to bed teary, but hopefully the running will help that

i am currently suffering from a little bit of insomnia which is not very good - it is making me tired and tearful, and i don't like it, and would rather wish it would go away so that I could actually get one night of decent sleep. Life is hard at the moment - my mood seems to be the lowest it has been for a long time, I am teary, and just have no energy to do the simplest of tasks, which is just not like me. I am becoming increasingly apathetic about everything, and I don't want to be like this. Work is becoming something of a chore rather than something I used to really enjoy. I has a little smile on my face for a bit yesterday when the choir reformed again, but apart from that, I am becoming more insular, internalising things, and just generally feeling shit.

I really need to sleep.

well, work got me very stressed this week - so stressed in fact that I have been averaging about 3 hours a sleep a night, and am losing my appetite. On one day this week, I survived a day on a carrot, a stick of celery and chunk of cucumber and a slice of bread...not the best I know. My mood is dropping at a great rate. Nigel noticed, and so he invited me to Cambridge this weekend...I went up after work last night (which was real good, as I found out a few days earlier from Ben, that he was singing then too - so we went to go and see him - he was v surprised to see me, and I got a big hug). Nigel and his partner Julia did a brilliant de-stress job for me...we had many a cocktail, then some wine, then got a take-away curry, and had some great chats. This morning they took me out in Cambridge to see some of the colleges, we had some great hot chocolates, and then we met up with the head of the LSRC who is on career-break and went to Zizzi's for some yummy food. Nigel then kindly drove me back to the station, where I then made my way to church as I had been asked to appear at the welcome new members of parish evening.

on thursday at out church, 49 young people got confirmed - it was a beautiful evening, and I cried a lot of the way through the service...seeing them all get confirmed really strengthened my idea of a re-dedication service, and Fr B is really helping me with this. The Bishops homily was spot on, Jeremiah 29:11, something really helping me in a lot of situations at the moment. there is something about singing venne sancte spiritus that gets me every time, and makes me hugely excited about going to Taizé again this summer - a great place for everyone to go, whether they are happy with their faith or not (or not even religious at all). It helped me incredibly last year, and I am thinking about going for 2 weeks this year, so I can really build upon some new things happening with me at the moment.

On wednesday I met up with Ben after his opera school, fell asleep in his flat on his couch, and so that was a very strange thursday morning/during the night, when I did not recognise where i was when i woke up! very strange...but he was very sweet about it - thankfully. It is not something that I hope to make a habit of...the shower was rubbish in the morning!

I am also flat hunting/flat-share hunting as I am getting stressed at home, becomineg more insular, and not happy.

so it is all rather busy at the moment, and i am tired. Fr B is being very supportive, a fact that I am very happy about, and he is going to help me with the senior youth group when we start it soon, to keep those who have just been confirmed interested in the church still

short post
Have been very tired...work has been super stressful, just so much to do, it seems never ending...
also, have been doing loads of reading...flat hunting....sorting out my finances....church stuff.

just been having a lot of stuff to do, have been stressed, and having stress reactions, but all is improving!
and good weather too!

take care, hope your weeks are going well

i am glad that the sun has decided to show itself...about time.
I was talking to a friend of mine who works in mental health the other day, and she said something that has got me thinking, and I have been doing some internet research, and it has got me a little upset/concerned you may say. just another thing to think about.

work is super busy, I will be so glad when the conference I am organising is done...I have been working on it for over a year now, so it all should run smoothly - my boss seems to think that I am organising it well...i can cover things up quite easily.

continuous headaches and tiredness just seem to be the norm at the moment...plus doing lots of church stuff...which is fun but tiring.

Got the CDs of the SJP we did this weekend - it is quite funny listening to it again...am very much looking forward to hear Bens reaction to it. According to Ben, I speak nasally, and he should know because (as he was saying this, his head was exploding) he is a voice expert - oh la-de-dah! and what did he offer to get me for my birthday....speech therapy. cheeky bastard...apparently I will get a good teacher...guess who that will be!

another evening, another concert - it was very good...and luckily another free ticket! hurrah! ben sang great again...he was quite pleased with how it went...but witnessing groupies at work is something so scary...was quite funny walking very fast away afterwards to try a lose them...a nice meal was had after...including sword fights with chop-sticks, thumb wars and laughing happened. being childish is good fun....

anyways, am quite tired, and must sleep!

so it has been just over a week...a lot has happened
I have turned 25! i spent a quiet eve with my family - going out for a meal, and having a good drink! that was really pleasant...work were lovely as per usual, and I have been meeting up for drinks with other people, to have a quick celebration, but more of a natter really.

i have been down to brighton on an away day with work...we went down on wednesday afternoon after a morning in the office, and came back on thursday evening, after a 7 hour team meeting (which i only dozed off in once). we got a lot discussed, has a good meal, played with Marisol's children (I played a trumpet), stayed in a great hotel and did a lot of laughing

at the weekend i helped at a confirmandi youth ministry weekend, with 30 of the children who will be confirmed in two weeks time. this was tiring but worthwhile, and it was a nice sunny day that helped (however, I was disturbed by many comments)...after i walked over to daves to have a chat, and then went to sit in a nice beer garden with Chris, Sarah and Dave to chat and joke...

sunday was church, followed by the near purchasing of our SJP performance CD, but I did not have enough cash, and they did not accept cards - i had to reserve two, as ben wants one, and one he shall have, having sung most of it for us! the rest of the afternoon was spent, napping, listening to music and sorting out photos

Monday - was work again - i was kanckered but had lots to do, and luckily as the office was very quiet - i got lots done. i have also made some plans for friday that I am quite happy about which should be good fun. i also finished another Austen - Mansfield Park - and it was an excellent book...love Austen with a passion. the eve finishhed with a flurry of texts, a listen to Nick Drake and quite a sleepless night.

today, hilarities in the office ensued, work was busy, but i still had fun...and have had a relaxing eve as the end of the week is busier then the beginning, but I am quite excited by it all.

well, that has condensed it all slightly, but hey - take care all of you
xx

Update: Concert good - choir good, soloists good, music good! so all in all I had a good evening. went out for a few drinks after which was nice, and ended up going home with a bouquet of flowers that are now in the lounge! am glad that a ticket was reserved for me, as it was a really good spot, near the front and in the middle, so I had a good view...it was just a good evening all round.

with my impending turning of age this week - i am making a concerted effort to become more cultural and grown up - so today i am going to a choral concert in Sy Johns, Smith square...btu my day has just got better, as I have just been left a message that a ticket has been purchased for me, and I just have to ask for it when i turn up! good news indeed! and just for clarification...does my voicemail sound like i have swallowed a tank of helium?

and I am going to Brighton on a work away day this week..so my effort to become more cultural may have a day off, as Nigel is planning an evening of fun! oh yeah!

Saturday was a bit of a disappointment in Zosia world - I tidied my room, and did a lot of reading, and in the evening was doing some long distance consoling for somebody who thought they were unable to run the marathon...

However, Sunday was a lot better. I was awoken by an early text message - with good news, that my friend could run the marathon after all - they would let him register for his number that morning. I was always going to watch it as I knew 4 people running this year...and so up to town in a more jubilant mood. I got a really good spot - right at the front at 400 m to go...I saw the wheelchair race end, I saw the elite men and women....I saw Gordon Ramsey...I saw Will, then later I saw Jonathan, and them much later I saw Ben, I didnt see Tim! Jon heard my cheer (I have a good pair of lungs to get heard over the rest of the crowd)...Ben didnt hear my cheer I dont think, but he was smiling through the pain...to think he was singing in a concert last night also...

It was an amazing day, so motivating...makes me want to try and apply for next year, and also has motivated me to take up my running again for certain. Cheering people on was great fun, and watching other runners motivate other runners was really good. these people tested themselves and raised thousands for charity - it was incredibly humbling even. I chatted to people to the left and right to me, let people share my umbrella, and was offered many a mint humbug by elderly ladies!

I was also on phone contact with Nigel from work who was trying to spot me on the telly, and telling me who was where and to spot them - this was funny.

so, i am going to take up my training again, and see what happens, who knows it may improve my mood.

yeah, and today, back to work...but now I am watching one of my favourite dvds to cheer myself up, as something has happened today that upset me incredibly....oh well....

this week has been quite emotional for me. Over the past few months stuff has happened to me, and I have been keeping it quiet from someone important - until this week, when I told them. and just as I thought, they were great about it, let me cry about it, and just still be there for me, and for that I am very thankful. what a dear friend they have become, and I am so happy for that - when i have lost all faith in myself, they have been there...but they respect me, and I thank them for that most of all. I dont like being played like a fool, so yeah...it has made me subdued, as I have been having to face up to realisations, and it has involved a lot of tears and still is causing a lot of pain...

...and on top of that work has been super stressful, but also, great. my team look after me, and treat me well, and today, not for the first time, I was called their ray of sunshine - even when i was having a bad day. i love my team...

and yeah, i have a few friends running the marathon this weekend- good luck to you all, and i will be there to cheer you on, and hopefully see you at the end.

hello
well, this year I managed the Easter Tridium, no ambulance trip into a &e this good friday! it was very good to have made it, and what a remembrance of what we actually believe in. I was reading at the Sunday service, so i went to that too! the week at work has been busy and chilled all at once, but lots of laughs so that is good. The conference planning is coming along well, and yeah.
in zosia world, well things are going on...some good some bad, and am in a process of double guessing things which is really hard, and so I am turning to God a lot, which is good to be sure, but I dont want to be double guessing things.
so, yeah, normality proceeds then

good news! my presentation went really well. people have already emailed us, asking for our presentation to be sent to them, and also wanting to cite our work (although it hasnt officially been published yet, due to its controversial nature, and the need for a follow up). So it was good. The bad thing was I was out of my depth, as I know nothing about law...so when it came to the conference dinner (in Manchester Town Hall - was very posh), I was happy when I was seated near the band, as they were on my level, and very friendly, and, later I went out into Manchester with them!

My journey up to Manchester was awful, my journey back to the office was much better - i did all I had to do, then went home to Washing of the feet Mass, and today, I have just come back from Good Friday Mass, and it is now raining like it hasd not rained before for a long time - lovely!

Very exciting things are happening at the moment...but as per usual a bank holiday weekend - the cold comes...as someone told me...its your bodies way of telling you that you are tired...so true!

have a blessed Easter everyone

Bach went soooo well this weekend! Just amazingly. On saturday we had the first performance in the evening, and this was also the first time we had sung it through completely with the orchestra and the soloists. And i cried...it was so moving. Bach's interpretation in St John's passion is just so good. Sunday night was however, even better...just amazing. Our choir was formed 10 weeks ago...of people who had not even sung this type of music before. The soloists could not believe it, the audience could not believe it.

I am so glad that I got involved in the project - not only did it challenge me vocally, but it also challenged me spiritually and emotionally. Being teary and trying to sing is hard. But the buzz I had when we had finished was just so incredibly amazing.

and an added bonus was that I managed to have a good long chat with our special soloist - the ex G4 man Ben, and my priest was laughing at me a lot...but then was later encouraging flirting! oh dear. But the photographer came at a good moment to get this shot:

As you can see it was a little impromptu - it was more like a come here there is a camera infront of us, shot - but I still like it.

This was 10 minutes before we went out to sing...and it was nice to see that even professionals suffer from nerves.

I want to publicly thank my priest Fr Bryan Wells for persuading me to do this, and challenge and push me in such a way. I really thank him!

just to say, Bach is going really well - our rehearsal today was really good, so there is hope for next week when we perform.

all else, this last week has been a hard week - i have been forced to talk about issues, and think back over a) in one conversation the last 10 years of my life, and b) in another conversation the last 8 months of my life...both were hard, and not very nice conversations which have left me in a little turmoil as to what to do now, next and in the future...and how to cope and even begin to understand why things have happened

lets see what this week brings up..

but here is a photo of good times:

This is Karl, Dave and I on our trip to Switzerland over the new year. Beautiful scenary, great friends, and lots of laughing happened that day...as well as snowball fights, and a good pub visit in the evening.

This was a good time...

a few more things that I had forgotton to mention. Last weekend we had family from the USof A over which was really cool (i had to leave for over 2 hours for my Bach rehearsal), but some of the family I had never even met before, including the cutest little 5 1/2 year old Lily! I absolutely LOVED being called Auntie Zosia all day - it was amazing fun. Just playing with her, and colouring in, and introducing her to all my cuddly toys...and then there was the tickling! It was so much fun...my brothers at the end of the day kept on asking just how little kids want to play with me all the time! I dont know!

obviously - there is the Bach Sy Johns passion I am involved in. If anyone who reads this lives in my area then come along - Saturday the 15th its in the URC church, and Sunday the 16th its in my Parish church. and if you want any more incentive, the main evangelist is someone who used to be in G4 - i know that doesnt sound really cool, but for a little church production - we are pretty pleased about it.

and finally - can we pray for my church...not only are we doing the Bach - but I am involved in getting a senior youth group going for when the 50 teenages get confirmed they still have some faith formation available to them, and I am also trying to get a 20's-30's eccumenical group going also. I have a lot of support from my priest who is so encouraging, but prayer is needed to help this all happen!

well, we shall see what happens....

eek!
i shall soon be presenting MY research at a professional conference - eeek! very scarry but very exciting...i say my research - i mean a co-project that i researched for and co-wrote with a member of my team at work..but yeah - all very exciting!

that's about it really. am desigining a new leaflet for work - its nearly done - we had a mini photo shoot at work today - it was bizarre but funny!

um, not much else to report at the moment...am maybe getting some church stuff underway...and the Passion of St John by Bach is coming along nicely, although it is the most challenging piece of music I have ever sung!

so, as I said, I am going to do a little blog of my little eastern european travels.
the holiday started on the friday night, with how many travels with Dave and Karl start, trying to sleep at a transport terminus...this time Luton airport. On the Saturday morning we had a very early check in and flight to Berlin....and we arrived in a tram/bus/underground strike...making the trip to our hostel difficult but not impossible. some street trampelining, and a long walk via churches later, and during a snow flurry we reached the Brandenburg gate...
several tours of the city were undertaken....including the third reich tour, the red communist tour, and a tour of the local regal town Potsdam. An evening with Esther who we met in Geneva happened - it was great, we all talked about our testimonies, a real bond. We also met with Corinna. I did some stuff on my own - like the Catholic cathedral, a bombed church in West Berlin, the Berlin Dom, and many other Berlin buildings - including the synagogue. I was mastering the German underground and over ground systems. We all went to check-point charlie, and we all walked up and down the remaining sections of the Berlin wall. The history behind berling in fascinating, it is like the city will never learn....i personally found the city quite bleak, but it was the history i admired.

an overnight coach journey, and then we arrived, once again in the very early hours of another city -Krakow - an emotional city for me...ot had been 9 years since my last visit to Poland. A mastering of the tram system, and the use of my Polish meant we arrived at the hostel safely. then an exploration of Krakow occurred, and an opportunity for me to go to Mass too. we saw the openning of the altar, and many many many other churches - every other building seemed to be a building of religious significance. we went to Wawel castle and cathedral (2 minutes away from the hostel), and a bottle of wodka later, we went out for dinner with another person we met in our hostel, and played pool, and i sustained a head injury (thanks to Karl). during our time in Poland, we went to Auschwitz and Birkenau. It was so very sad - still unbelievable as to what occurred - and the size of Birkenau is just crazy - and to think that over half of it has already been pulled down. I mean - just crazy. Standing in the gas chamber brought shivers down my spine - i mean, the number of people that lost their life in that room - it was just awful. not so much of a happy day, but a day that means that when seeing such a place, hopefully something of this scale cannot and should not happen again. that evening we met with some of Daves friends from England, who most certainly do not know how to treat a woman. Dave locked us out of our hostel (Karl and I) that evening, and no matter how much poo Karl threw at the window, he was not to be woken...so some, Krakow middle of the night, and sun-rise later, we found a bar called tequila - so what did we drink at 7 am - you guessed it! we certainly paid for it later in the salt mines....

....an overnight train journey to Prague (having met my relative at the station), and you guessed it, another early morning arrival in another city...Prague greated us with very very cold weather. we had a tour of the city, and then washed and cosied ourselves up to do more Prague discovery, before finding a yummy restaurant - and a much deserved sleep. the next day was the church, cathedral, castle of Prague, and dinner, and the last day was tv tower, mozarts residence, a dancing building and last minute eiffeling of things, before the airport, and home....to in a break of tradition, a late night arrival at Gatwick.

It was a good holiday...I was emotional for some of it...due to various things that happened before and during the holiday - but all the different histories that we heard, saw and discussed were very interesting, and the two boys were just lovely. they do have respect for a woman and i appreciated that for the whole time i was out there.

it will now be a very long time before i have a next holiday (most probably be Taizé this summer), but 4 countries in the space of a month has been good enough for me...although I do want to go further afield - india will be great, as would china, and now obviously NZ...so much i want to do and see...we shall see.

travelling unleashes something in me...a sense of discovery, not just of my surroundings, but of myself. I was surpised that I did so much stuff on mine own, and that I had the courage to speak to random people in languages i have not spoken in a long time. it gave me a sense of I can do things, but also highlighted my weaknesses, and what I really must battle with. But most importantly, it highlighted the joy that my travel Bible and prayer book can bring in times of need.

so, berlin, krakow and prague have now all been ticked off - more will be said about that soon - today's post has a special message. holiday with the boys was great - i love them both dearly as friends, which is why these last few days have been hard, as today Karl flew back out to New Zealand. I am sad. i thought that Friday was going to be my last night to say goodbye, so we went out, and Dave gave karl and I some time at the end of the night to say goodbye. we hugged, a close tight hug, and we didnt want it to end. i gave him my card, and hugged again - and before i cried infront of him, i got back into daves car when the tears came.

but then, last night, i had just out the last fork of my tea into my mouth, and a phone call happened. Chris, Sarah, dave and I were going to spend his last night with him. we went out, and he said thanks to us all for everything (i tried hard not to cry), another long hug, and a see you later, and that was it...

I heard from him from the air port this morning...he got to check in on time, and that was good news, and we are keeping in touch, and I have assured him, I am going to do all I can to get myself better.

Can we pray that he finds a job and a home in NZ, and he also finds a new church to join, where he feels welcomed, and that he uses God in all the decisions that he makes.

It just means that when i have the funds and the holiday accrued, I am just going to have to make my way to NZ, where I know that I have someone to welcome me and show me around. I will miss him as God provided him at a time when everything else was not looking so positive in my life, and we talked candidly about God, relationships and everything in between in an open manner which i really appreciated.

but, there are many more new people for me to get to know. I am doing more things with different churches so I hope to meet more new people, but hopefully not many more from the other side of the world as I hate saying goodbye to people, and especially when they live so many time zones away!

my work have very kindly given me my time off at a time when we are very busy, so i can do a mini tour of eastern europe with the boys karl and dave starting v early saturday morning, so we can have a holiday before karl very sadly returns to new zealand. it should be good, but i am sure that it will also be sad - i know that i will miss an amazing friend - he has been there for me through a lot of hard times in the last 6 months, and listened to me, and has helped me spiritually. he was the first adult I saw get baptised (have subsequently seen a few more, and think it amazing when these people commit themselves to God in such a way), and yeah - i think the people who have met him will all miss him. but it gives me the excuse to go back to NZ...but anyway - work kindly gave me the time off - even though i only gave them a weeks notice, so that we can spend this time together.

however, this week, work has been getting their moneys worth out of me...i have worked so hard, and i am so tired, but hey...

other than that, its all just plodding along.

Its been a while since i have blogged - but hey, what can you do? i have been very busy, and also very down, so not only have i not had time to write, i have not really been in the mood to either. work has been busy, which is good, as it takes my mind off my bad mood which has developed. I am mastering the happy face again at the moment, Karl and Dave are beginning to notice it though - well we spend so much time together that it is not surprising. We are going on holiday next week, as we want to show Karl a bit more of Europe before he goes back to New Zealand...a fact that we are sad about.

Last night was the good bye do for Peter, Carole (from Poverest Baptist), and informally for Karl. I was singing Simon and Garfunkel for them with the Poverest band, and I had a lot of fun doing so - they have welcomed me once more. I had a really good time, we had to do a lot of practice, but it all turned out well - my first time of singing with a microphone...

the week before Karl, Dave and I went to Cambridge for the day which was good fun, and a little road trip I enjoyed greatly. I have also joined a choir for a bit - we are going to perform Bachs Passion of St John - a very challenging piece of music indeed, but Fr Bryan seems to think we can cope with it - so go him I suppose.

I went to Newcastle with work - the furthest north I have ever been, and had a good time. Was able to stay in the Hilton which was very nice...and all in all I had a good time up there, and there was a good opportunity to network. other work things are going ok, and my office were lovely when the other week I found myself crying at my desk...

other than that, life is plodding onwards. Bromley deanary are getting their act together, and i am getting myself more involved, and yeah...I just pray i can get out of this low spot i am in at the moment....

ok
so new years was completely different this year. I was in Geneva with four of my very good friends: Karl, Dave, Fabienne and Corinna for Taize in Europe....oh and I should say with 40,000 other International Christians also! It was fantastic. Karl, Dave and I were almost arrested on the plabe out there, but Karls wonderful flirting with the air hostess (a man), we were saved! A sleepness night nursing Karls still unexplained head wound at the airport was not the best way to start the Taize experience, but with an allocated parish, and a lovely host parish, i was ready the next day! I was the allocated English reader for my parish (in a beautiful small town called Morges who were hosting 300 of us, my host mother put 10 of us in our house, I was seperated from Karl and Dave for house mothers), and small Bible studies, then off to Palexpo for the lunching, and praying and singing with 40,000 people - just amazing!

New years eve consisted of an 11-11:50 pm vigil for peace (Taize style obv), then our parish hosted a festival of nations after having fireworks over lake Geneva to bring in the new year! once again amazing! the last day of actual Taize was very tiring, and my host mother kindly let Corinna and I stay in Geneva for one more night before we headed onto Zoffingen, via Burn, and a small town called Biele, where a young Swiss couple who we met in our parish invited us for dinner.

Zoffingen is near where Fabienne lives, where we spent a many fine evening in the Golden Ox, afetr days of walking in Strangelbach, up the Alpes, or in Lucerne! Then on Sunday we made our way to Zurich to fly home, and leave Karl in a youth hostel as he was flying back on monday!

all in all a fabulous time was had...a lot of sharing of clothes, hats, gloves and scarves, food and water happened....but yeah - it was great, and i have made such close friends with these people it is a blessing, and I shall be very sad when Karl has to return to NZ, unless we all pray very hard and he gets a job offer in England...

will hopefully put photos up soon, but we have loads to go through to get the nice ones!
happy new year everyone
xxx

well,
this will be my happy new year post! tomorrow, I go to Geneva for Taize new year - i am very excited...a few last minute texts are flying between karl and i and dave and i about things we need to take...i have for plastic plates for them both...one green set, one blue set, mine is pink - not that I am being sexist about such things...! i have nearly packed apart from my hats, gloves, and my jeans that are drying on the radiator - although we are not leaving until about 5 in the afternoon...but sleeping bag, cushion, and blanket are packed....

Christmas was good - we had a beautiful mid-night mass at out church from the first time in many many years. It was nice to see matt, dave and karl there from Poverest Baptist - I read and did the bidding prayers, our readers training has apparently paid off...the carol service beforehand was also lovely! credit to Fr B - the church was full - i always said that it would be, Fr B doubted me for a little bit, but the little smile he gave me when walking down the aisle made me realise he knew i was right! he also liked the card that i made him for Christmas (our Taize service provided the photos for it). but i was so happy to have had a mid-night mass. The next day Dave took me to the Poverest service which was just good fun! we all swapped Christmas presents - and dave, karl and i played frisbee afterwards which was fun...lots of hugs, merry christmasses and kisses were exchanged - its such a friendly church - love it! we then went to collect babcia and we had my dads side of the family around, which was better then it usually was. i fell asleep on the sofa in the evening! the end of work is hitting me! i am quite tired!

today i got up late, and then fell asleep on the sofa again - and went to my nans to say goodbye to her before my holiday....have also got a little cold - sore throat and a sicky feeling - but i think the sicky feeling is more nerves for my holiday...packing has taken up a lot of today - i am deciding what clothes will make good layers for warmth! it is actually quite hard...

anyways, happy new year everyone...i normally do my good/bad/hopes on these type of things, but i have not had time to think about that...the last month has been very interesting in a few ways, and i have enjoyed spending time in a persons company, but it is all very confusing....but hey as has been said before!

take care everyone, i hope that you all take care, and look after each other....happy new year and may 2008 be blessed for you all
Zx

i would just like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very merry christmas and a brilliant 2008! will try and blog before i go to Taize in Geneva with Dave and Karl this week!
also a quick happy birthday to Karl for yesterday....32 and still acting 3 - amazing!
and our four part silent night worked - yay!
Zx

busy busy busy again in these last few weeks! work has kept me on my toes for sure, but being able to say that you have organised an international research conference will be something! that is what i am doing - and I am learning a lot about Greenwich, snotty hotels and research politics as I go.

last night was Poverest Baptist Church Christmas Party - it was a LOT of fun! A "how well do you know your local churches quiz", with the help of my new friend Audrey (a sweet old lady who i kept company throughout the evening), i came joint first with Karl (although he had a lot of help from his dad - the minister of PBC), so i think I won! I also did karaoke for the first time...without the influence of alcohol. I tell you the PBC women do undertake a lot of peer pressure! but a blast of Uptown Girl later all was happy! Dave, Karl, Ruth and I also became the 2007 Beatles, with a fine rendition of Help! but it was a lot of fun - a big thank you to Chris who his fine projector and computer skills allowed it all to happen. They are a good church, and have welcomed me with open arms, and i thank them for that.

today, I have a choir re-hearsal - we are trying to learn silent night in 4 parts...it is a lot of fun! we shall see how it all goes. I also did all my Christmas shopping in 3 1/2 hours yesterday, which is a record, and i got my presents for my african girlies too, and some flowers for my mothers birthday which was on thursday, and which i missed as i was at breaking open the word (i had asked he previously if i could go - and she said yes - which was good, as i love BOTW), and the priest on thursday was a good egg, and got in the first round! my kind of priest! i also purchased karl and dave gloves for Geneva as i did not trust them to get their own, and it is very cold over their right now! Sarah informed me of her new lovely pink stripey gloves, which she said she thought of me when she purchased them...(Sarah and Chris made us awesome soup after church last week!)...seriously, lovely people!

My brother and sister in law have returned from madrid for good yesterday, i havent seen him since April, so that was pretty awesome...but when andrew comes back from australia, it will be very crowded at chez bajorek!

Thats about all for now i think...
stay tuned!
Zx

well, hello

it has been a busy few weeks since i last blogged. the biggest event I have been involved in is the Taize service held by Petts Wood churches together, and Bromley Deanery for national youth sunday. unfortunately, even with all the publicity that we gave it, not many youth came, but over 150 people came to the church, and we lit it all with candle-light, and we sang many chants. we sang some of the newer ones, inclding some of my favourites (el ama que'an den amore, behute mich gott, Bog jest milosci). sarah from PBC played the flute beautifully, Chris from PBC took some wonderful photos (i will put some up soon), and Dave allowed me to hide his ipod on the altar so we could record the whole service...it was very special. as i had to do so much in the service (sing the solo, read the english version of the reading, change the numbers on the number bored, pass the lighting candle round the church etc) i didnt get as much out of the service as i could have done - but it was still beautiful, and i am very much looking forward to going to Geneva over the new year to have some Taize time there.

i have had a bromley deanery meeting, where my idea of re-dedication/re-commitment has been very positively taken, and i have also managed to get the deanery to focus on youth, and we are now doing a feasibilty study to see if we can get a deanery youth worker! so yeah, that has been very positive.

um, work has been very busy, and a little bit stressful...but i am still enjoying it, and we have had many laughs recently, so that is always good.

everything else wise, after enjoying the singing at the taize service, some poverest baptist people and i are starting our own choir, and the first outing for us is their carol by candlelight service. i have been invited to their christmas party, and this week dearest dave turns 28 - so it is birthday party! I am going to PBC this weekend for their service, and there is another baptism there so that will be nice. i have gained a lot of support from people there, with Karl, Dave, Chris and Sarah, and when i get to see matt it is very good...

i have been trying to work on some stuff on the side too - when i get the time, and i am reading some very good books, one about St John of the Cross, and i am also doing my day by day advent readings. on saturday Carinna came over from Berlin, so Dave and i met up with her, and had a really good evening and a lot of fun. will be good to spend time with her and fabienne again in Geneva. I do have to say that Taize has shown a lot of opportunity to me, with making friends at other local churches, and international friends. I have a meeting with Fr B tomorrow about Taize next year, I definitely want to go for two weeks next year, so i can do some time in silence too!

wow, that was a lot to say. i am trying to think if we have watched any more of daves arty farty foreigh films...but i dont think we have - but we have watched one of mine - Pans labyrinth - a great film!

anyways, thats all for now folks...take care and God Bless
x

right, it has been a strange few weeks since I last wrote. Going down to Exeter was a blast from the past. I would just like to say thank you to Gordon Road who were as lovely as ever in putting me up, and looking after me - you are lovely people, and I thank God for friends like you. It was also great seeing Amy and Kate, and James and Ella, and my first meeting with baby Leona - who thanks to James and Ella I had a huge cuddle with, and wanted to take her home, but didnt think it would be fair! May Norris rest in peace. It was a sad occassion and a sad visit for many reasons, but hey, I now have some more answers to questions that I had, and worries that I had, but I have no realised, chapter closed, move on and rely on people who do actually respect me...and I have been offering a lot up to God.

I also have been doing a lot in my church and in Bromley Deanery. One thing I have been wanting to have is a re-dedication of my faith - as I now feel that I am actually having a better understanding of my faith that I did not have when i was confirmed. I put this idea to the Dean of Bromley who got very excited by it (as did Fr B), and so this may be happening. We had a parish forum where i talked about all my work with the senior youth group, and the bromley deanery. And I have been working my little bottom off for the youth sunday taize service, to which Petts Wood Churches together and Bromley Deanery have been invited! I really pray that this is a success, and that youth actually want to come to it! I have been to poverest baptist church to see my friend Karl get baptised which was just awesome...my first time seeing an adult baptism and it was special - i am glad that i went, and he is so happy to feel like a child of God again.

Karl and I went to watch the Lord Mayors show in London, and watch the lovely free fireworks on the thames, before going to meet dave after work. we then went to tha albert hall, and saw a lot of royalty and politicians (including the queen and prince philip) arrive for the remembrance service. we then tried out a few student bars, the spoons in leicester square, and then storm where dearest Susan was having her "I am in remission party" (Sue has suffered with throat cancer for the last 5 years, but had the brilliant news on remission recently). i danced a bit, but Dave was thrown out, and so Karl and i left early too - but still managed to miss the last train home (somehow dave got it, Karl obv had to get a burger), so Karl and i had to get the night bus home (something I had been saying all day i had not wanted to get...oh dear)...the next day was spent nursing a hangover, going to church and sitting at Chris and Sarah's house, playing with their cats, and me wanting to sleep, but karl and dave kicking, tickling, or putting cheese on my face to wake me up...

last weekend i had the house to myself which was nice....as dave was working last friday night, karl came over and we watched Amelie (dave, karl and i are going through a phase of watching foreign films), and the end of children in need, and then on saturday, i cooked dinner for them both, we had a boozy night, watched another film (l'homme de train) and then fell asleep in various rooms about my house. last night we watched Ronin - i was kindof tired so didnt really understand what was going on....but we had a laugh at the pretty boy!

Work has been going ok...i have been working very hard marking tenders that have come in, and dave has been working in our office as we needed a temp, and he needed work, so i rang the agency, and recommended him for us...it worked, and he worked, so it was good all round. this meant that i have also got to know Chris from PBC a lot better, and he is also v willing to help with youth ttuff which is amazing - i am blessed with good people around me at the moments

so all very busy, but i think now almost up to date

take care one and all

ok, so the last few weeks have been a bit tough. two deaths in one week - is not something i like. I just want to say something...Norris - the big man himself - what a tragic loss. I remember first being reallu scared of him - sat in Cowley Road eating out of his saucepan - but bug man big heart. My memories of Norris are him always helping people - when i stayed down in Exeter - i was offered porridge for breakfast - he was always willing to listen to me, and give me some advice....and after James and Ellas wedding - he deserved the title of nimble feet that I gave him - who knew the big man could dance so well...it is such a sad loss, and I really hope that we celebrate his life in the way that he wants us to. I am going to exeter this week for the funeral...am scared about going down - i really am. some people know why, but hey, Norris deserves to know just how much he was appreciated.

I have been doing a self purge of stuff that has been bothering me. I have made a very good friend who has just been awesome in helping me. so much so, that a five minute meeting to lend him some books from work for his interview turned into a 6 hour chat, that could have gone on for much longer, a big hug, and sharing of information from both sides that we found hard to do, but were glad that we could get it off our hearts. It was a special night, and it was what i was needed. He is getting baptised tomorrow, so I am making a trip to poverest baptist church for it. and, i am getting to know the poverest baptist lot well, and i am so happy that they have accepted me in their church, and have made friends with me, as it is good to get so many perspectives on things. it is good that we can just sit round each others houses and chat and laugh and just enjoy company, and i am so grateful that I have found these people who really appreciate me for the person that I am, and that they dont want to change me at all, and they just accept me...

the funeral on wednesday was very fitting. my great aunt would have been happy with it, and the hymns that we sang were just beautiful, the readings lovely. it was just fitting which was much needed.

work has been really good - we have an exciting new project going on, and i am getting involved in that, and they have been incredibly supportive of things.

and today i had a good pastoral counselling session with my parish priest - i was able to get some spiritual help to pull me through my rough patch at the moment, and i thank him for that. this is the first time since exeter that i have felt that i have been able to talk to a priest about my problems, and that was a huge relief.

well, the last few weeks can be described as busy, and ill. I have just finished a second round of anti-biotics and i am still feeling ill. apparently my ear and throat infection is not 'normal' and so i have had blood tests to see what is going on. work has been very good about it all - they have been giving me time off, allowing me to come in late when i need to, and just generally wanting me to get better and back to full productivity.

but i have also been really busy. the bromley deanery parish forum went really well - and a lot of positive ideas were encouraged. One World Service for Petts Wood churches together also went brilliantly - i could not have thought it would have been better - Praise the Lord...He did us proud. House of Faith were just amazing - so spiritual - they reduced me to tears. Fr B thanked me for all the hard work that I had put into it...the next thing we are planning is a taize night for youth sunday, and if no younger youth go, then it is also something for the older youth (ie me and my new gang)...this is going to hopefully be a petts wood churches together thing, and also local catholic churches - if they are not doing their own youth day service.

me wise - i am going through a low patch. i had a conversation with somebody on saturday night that brought up a lot of issues regarding relationships and trust, and the last person i spoke to so in depth with about such issues has kindof left me, or cut me out, i am having huge trust barriers and its making me extremely tearful, and leading to other actions and ramifications that are not all good. so some prayers would really be appreciated. i am going to do a self-purge (well try to) of all the crap that is in me, and all the things I would love to chnage about me, and so this may be hard.

and to end the post - someone in my family has just died - she had cancer (only diagnosed a week and a half ago, but it had already spread uncontrollably) so some prayers would be real good for that too.

ok, so things have not really gone to plan recently. Only one person came to youth group on sunday...we are having to have a major re-think about this. i was very upset...i always said that this was not going to be about numbers, but the opportunity for some faith development, but when you only get one person turn up, it does become very disheartening. We have a natural break at the moment due to one world stuff (that I have also found myself saying...."i will help you with the organisation Fr B"), and it gives us time to see how we take it forward...we may open it up to the rest of the deanery, and even eccumenically. daves church are providing me with a lot of spiritual support so i thank them greatly. dave has even offered up his services for help which is just such a blessing (and this was told to me when he was away on his break in Paris) - a friend indeed, and boy do i feel i need that right now. at the moment it is a case of Fr B saying jump, and i say How high! i have very little time for me, and i need to do some work on something as an exciting opportunity has come up for me, and i need to format stuff, and get an something into shape...very little to go on there, but it is something in its first stages. In fact I have just come back from Fr Bs with work to do for saturday Deaneries parish forum, which i somehow got myself organising, and firmly telling him he cannot ring me tomorrow as i am at breaking open the word, but i reckon the phone may go on friday!

am getting a bit upset with my church as i seem to be doing sooo much, and people are putting out rumours about the youth group which is why it is not well attended...they are using a Bible (at a church youth group - you wouldnt say...hell no, that cannot happen can it??!) but i have the support of Fr B, and he is telling me not to get disheartened. this weekend i am going back to daves church - which is also struggling, but for different reasons (a congregation of 25 cannot really keep a church going for long) as i really enjoyed it last time, and they have been very supportive of me, and so i am going to show my support to them.

but work is good - i have been given an extended contract for another year, been moved up a grade and given a change of name - assistant researcher and research administrator...oh exciting

um, am being given a lot of support by work colleagues, and new great friendships that have been developing recently, and these people are very special to me...and i thank them all so much, as i have really needed their supprt over the last few weeks....

right, bed time, and i have not done any of the reading that Fr B has asked me to do, as Claire has rung to talk about other church things...seriously, are we the only who cares in bromley? it sure feels like it!

well, my last post ended with me just about to do a 10k....that i did, even though so many people said i shouldnt...and why did they say that? the previous two days i had been sent home from work, and on the day i was told to only go in for the afternoon. i was very ill! i was coughing so much i could hardly breathe and it was pissing it down with rain...but i still did the run...it had got to the point where I had been sponsored too much not to do it...i did it in an hour, and i was in the last two...but the kudos i have for doing the run is amazing!
Work this week...well i didnt go in on monday or tuesday (was told not to, as on monday i was put on anti-biotics...ear and throat infection), i went in on wednesday and thursday (although there was talk of sending me home as i was coughing too much for works liking - even my old boss said so), and so on thursday evening, they told me not to come in on friday! i like my work!
It has meant that i was able to do a lot of youth group stuff, and bromley deanery stuff...and i went to dinner at daves the other day, and we had a big pray about many many issues, including both our parishes, his alpha group, my senior youth group (second meeting tomorrow), and mutual friends of ours going through some problems...it was mush needed and very good.
so i have my second youth group meeting tomorrow...it should be good...on thursday it is breaking open the word for people in my age group, and soon i really hope a 20-30 group will start - off my back, but i am keen... and soon the one world service is going to be had for Petts Wood together so that should be good too!
oh, so busy, but good too

well, its been a long time since i last wrote...
i have been to a wedding - it was real good
I had to take a day off work with mild food poisoning after a meal out after Breaking Open the Word
And Fabienne and Corinna from Taize came over, and so Dave and I were London tour guides for a few days, which was just an unbelievable amount of fun, but very tiring...saw so mnay things myself for the first time, and even had my first experience of the night bus..thanks to dave for waking me up at the right spot (well our stop, seeing as he lives five minutes down my road) it was great to see them both and spend so much time with them, and it makes Taize in Geneva this December so much more exciting, as we will be seeing them, and spending an extended time in Switzerland with Fabienne over new years.

i have also been ill...this week i have spent about 9 hours in the office - the rest of the time i booked a day off, and then the last two days i have been sent home from work...and i have been told not to come in until the afternoon tomorrow - i have a 10k run for charity tomorrow so that will be fun - hmm coughing and running - at least i have a good excuse for a crap time! i hate being ill, and am trying to deny the existence of this cold, but when not being able to stop coughing for 10 seconds, i kindof have to give in.

My church youth group started on sunday...we only had a few people come, but that was good enough for me...i have kindof borrowed the old faith, friendship and fun theme from Cathsoc to advertise it, as i am wanting it to be a chance for religious development for the youth, and for them to have the opportunity to question their faith. on tuesday 42 letters were sent out to personally invite the youth to the group - i hope that it works - prayers for this will be needed and much appreciated...it is going to happen every fortnight, and soon in church we have a one world vision night for the churches together in Petts Wood, and Bromley Deanery is having its Parish council forum shortly, which has taken up rather too much of my time in its planning!

so have been fairly busy...but the next most important thing is the 10k tomorrow...that will be a big achievement for me.

and also, am having a confusing time over something else, and i am really hoping that God is with me on this...well if i want to walk on water....eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk!

take care one and all
Zx

well, the last few days have been a bit of a discovery. I have been reading some Christian books to help me out of a little rutt that I am in...but it is much harder than i can imagine really...the books are very good though, and are really helping me with my prayer. this sunday i also went to Daves church (Poverest Baptist), and I really enjoyed it. It was good to have a change (i had gone to the saturday evening service at my church), but i realise that if there is a congregation of about 25, then when you do a harmony - no matter how quietly you sing it - it will be heard! but it was good, and i really enjoyed it, and they were all very welcoming! we then spent two hours putting up the alpha course sign..i hope it is still there

i also went to the pillinger wedding which was a lot of fun, i didnt really know anyone, so it was just a time to mingle and laugh...which is what i did. unfortunately sleep was disturbed by a snorer of ridiculous proportions! well he is paying for the room now!

um, so yeah, a few faith struggles still remain - apparently I just have to go in head first - all can say to that is eeeeeek right now!

i just want to say thank you for these two people for making the last month bearable for me...i feel like i have known you for much longer then i have had..here are some of our laughs!

this is on the ferry on the way back from taize - limited sleep for a week, and a 4am ferry, yet we still laughed till we wet ourselves and shared my throw for warmth...love you

and sleeping on daves shoulder for a lot of the journey home - twas quite comfy - even though they did mimick picking my nose!

oh, and i should also say thank you to the toilet cleaning crew - you were stars

hello
i am feeling a lot better now...i had a very emotional friday and saturday, but i am feeling better. saturday afternoon i had spent with babcia, we saw joseph and his technicolour dreamcoat, and we had fun beforehand, but she said some stuff that made me think, and when i got home, i thought, and thought, and yeah, it went downhill...damn thinking - its not good for me.
sunday, i went to church - much needed, had a chat with scripture after, popped to the shops, drove home, drove to my nans and drove home. my bro from madrid rang me for an age which was amazing - i love speaking to him, and so that was really good.
on monday, i picked up dave and susan and we voyaged to brommers, and we went wedding outfit shopping, as dave is off to a wedding, and so am i! i purchased a dress, and now i have two to choose from....we had a wonder and a chat, and i drove them back, arranging a time for the evening. i was in my element in the afternoon - making stuffed courgettes, cous cous salad, garlic bread and then angel delight cake for pud! dinner i should say went down a treat. dave and susan gave me empty plates in return...and we had good conversation and funness, and then drove them home, having a good God chat with Dave before letting him escape my car!
work today has been a bit of a chillsome day, but hey sometimes you get days like that!
three day week next week, and a haircut in my "lunch break"...very excited

so yeah, i still have many issues to overcome for me and God, but i now know i have some awesome support to help me
thanks guys
x

at the moment of writing this, i am in floods of tears. i have had such a hard week - work has been manic, and my emotions are going on over-drive, and at the moment i just feel so alone.
some people who are still close to me will probably know what is going on for me right now - others probably dont care. over the past year, i have had my ups and downs, but i have always tried to be the best friend i can to people - always, and just now, i feel used and it really hurts...it really does.
work provides a haven for me - somewhere i can just be professional for 9 hours, and then go home.
home becomes a stressful place
I am having God issues - i am trying to unmask, knock down barriers that i have had for almost ten years of my life, and this is so hard for me - actually now having to face what i have been putting off in my life - and it is scary and it hurts, and i am scared, and i dont know what to do.
i cant think anymore,
i guess in the future i just have to be more careful

i have had quite an emotional week this week - but hey ho - things go like that sometimes. It doesn't surprise me, as my promise to myself was to be more honest with myself and how i am feeling - so I am allowed to be down, and not cover it. It is helping...i need to get the nasty stuff out of my system. I need to get the people and the issues that are currently getting me down out of my way, so I can let the nice things in! new philosophy.

i had a lovely evening on thursday when i met a friend fo dinner - it was just what i needed - a good religion talk, and a good man problem talk. we are both having some troubles in some parts of our faith, and it is so helpful to have people to chat things through with...loved it.

have had a busy weekend, and it seems as if the dizzy/fainty spells are coming back again, as there have been a few times this weekend where I have had to stop what I have been doing to regain a bit of composure - was not liking that.
have also been doing some deanery duties today, so that should be coming along. this week is going to be a busy week, with the release of my report at work, and so we shall see how this one is taken - i cannot say too much -

have got new glasses (will be collecting them next week) - i have to wear them when using the computer...they have cost quite a bit but hopefully i will get my voucher from work to cover the vast majority of the bill - they already paid for the test - good old government! hopefully that should stop the headaches I have been getting...have to wear my old ones until nexy week though!
have a few people to be meeting with this week, keeping me very busy, some people i have not seen in a while, some i have seen recently - should be good stuff...

i am going to write a little bit more about taize - sorry if this bores people, but it has had a huge effect on me, and it is so important to me.
my taize day started at 7am...usually after a not a very much sleep as the tent was generally quite noisy. i made my way to the main site to wash, and then went to 7:30 am Catholic eucharist. that finished at 8, and then the main church was opened up for 8:15 morning prayer, that lasted until about 9. i then met up with the others, usually dave, matt and susan, and we queued up for breakfast...a bowl of hot chocolate, a bread roll and a stick of chocolate (sometimes 2 or 3 if you were lucky). after that it was chore time - cleaning the toilet block out by the church for me. then it was shower (after cleaning toilets it was needed). usually just chatted to randoms, dave, susan, and at 12:15 it was time for mid-day prayer. that went on to one, and then we queued for lunch. after lunch, we went to the lake/sat in the garden/did some quiet time...and at 3:15 we had a bible study/workshops/discussion groups - i went to the Luke workshops, and how it challenges us in our everyday lives. we then had taize tea at 5:15, and then had a break or optional workshops...i went to some on Christianity and Islam, Violence within us, we had a meeting with Brother Mark, and a meeting with the English groups with brother Paulo. tea was at 7pm, after which at 8:15 was evening prayer. after that we went to Oyak or did a prayer session, chatted, and did bible discussions. on thursday, Brother Aloisi did a reading of a letter to all the people in Taize. On friday there was a veneration of the cross - i wanted for ages to do this, and this was one of the most beautiful moments of my time out there. I felt such a release of emotion/pressures when i did this - it was a powerful moment of prayer and i feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to have done this. on saturday we had the candlelight service which was just beautiful, no words can describe this - it was just...(fill in appropriate word). usually, i would stay in the church for a while after evening prayer, i talked to some of the brothers of the community about some of my problems, some of the challenges that arose from the Bible discussions, and some of the emotions that were running through me. i would pray for a bit, and i spoke to the English Bishop about relationship problems, and things connected with that, and my greatest fears.

i met some amazing people - if i came out of the church crying, a random would come up and hug me. one day i went down to the lake, after having had a challenging bible group - i sat in one of the prayer shelters, and just cried...some people came up to me, hugged me, and said i could chat to them if i needed them....i became very close to two of the petts wood people, dave and susan - they began to read me very well. i was very open and honest with them, about my life, my faith and my worries. it was very rewarding and very open. i was able to cry when i wanted to, laugh when i wanted to, talk about my faith and not be shot down or questioned, sing songs, or worship songs, talk about loving God, and not get laughed at, but most of all I had the chance to develop my relationship with God which is something i most sincerely wanted to do.

Taize was such a small community, but the ability to find silence was amazing - i loved just being able to sit and have time to muself to read my Bible, and think a lot about what is going on in my life. and i did do a lot of thinking. i thought about the last few years - people who have made and broken me, friendships that i have developed, people i have met, what i have achieved, and what i want to do next - yes, some of these thoughts are still in my head, and some of the things that have happened in the last few weeks, have given me some answers. but now i have developed a relationship with God that is stronger then it has been for a while, I realise that some of these fears are passable, and even not really fears at all, and that to me was special.

i know that many people will not understand this, and i dont blame you, but this holiday was so special for me, for all the relationships that I made, the glimmer of hope that i received, and the little scratch that i began, that will soon get deeper so the real me can come out to more people, so they can get a greater understanding of me. i really have to thank everyone who went with me for the effect they had on me, and the friendship and the love and appreciation they showed me - what a blessed week it was.

i just have to say another thing about Taize - i have made some unbelievably close friends - and i have to say a huge thank you to both David and Susan who made my time out there so special, who looked after me, who cuddled me when i was crying, and who laughed with me when i laughed, and to david for giving me a shoulder and an arm to sleep on all the way back home. These two people have had a huge impact on my life in the last fortnight, and we contact each other everyday, and only go a few days without seeing each other. I pray that my relationship with these two can stay like this, as they have given me more support then they know.

Taize has a very special place in my heart, and I am very greatful for God, and the people there for that

i think i should do a quick update about Taize
it was in a word - brilliant. I had such an amazing time - and such a spiritual time. yes, it was very emotional, there is no getting away from that, and the fact you could just break down in tears at any time...but I think the point I have to make most whole heartedly is that my relationship with God did grew so much stronger. I really felt God work in me, and take away so many of my anxieties and worries. so much so, I am now on half of my dose of anti-depressants. it was like a huge weight had been removed from my shoulder, and i really have to praise God for that. I made some amazing friends....i really did. the group of us that went have all really bonded amazingly and i know that we will remain close for a long time. and we are going to go to Taize in Geneva for the New Years, and there will be many Taize times to have.

I really do thank God for everything...it was just such a blessed week.

Taize today!
am very excited, a wee bit nervous, but very excited...hope to meet some absolutely amazing people, and have some time for contemplation and just a wee bit of a relax

hopefully my contract will be extended after my appraisal yesterday...HR have to agree first...a strong business case has to be put in....but they are very happy with me, and told me not to look for a new job! i was pleased, and will be getting a wee bit of a payrise now! yay!

finished my court report, its off with vicky now to do her little section to it...she has received a 27 page monster from me! hehehehehe...was good having a wee little slam of the court system. we may have a very new interesting project in the pipeline now....just have to finalise the funding!

august in turning out to be a very busy month for me, work wise and social wise! should be fun!

better go to the shop and get coach food now....leaving in a matter of hours.

take care, and i will speak to you all on my return...will try not to leave it so long next time...have been very busy with work, youth club stuff and trying to sort out the bromley deanary!

have just finished packing - think i have taken way too much as per usual! but am ready for all weathers!
xxx

once again, it has been an absolute age since i have last blogged, but i have been very busy. work has been keeping me very much occupied. i am now writing up a comparison between the two magistrates courts i have been observing - its very hard. but qualitative analysis is taking ages. work has been very enjoyable, lots of laughs, and quite a few drinks after work recently...which i do love, but i do get annoyed when i am sometimes not allowed to buy a round! i am very glad that places are now smoke free - hurrah! i wont smell when i go out now! yay!

um, rain - obviously has made a huge impact on the country at the moment. luckily floods of the dramatic scenes that have been seen (see james' blog) have not happened in London - but we have had rain, and indeed we have also had bomb threats. on friday i didnt know that much about it on my way to work, but now i am getting quite scared about my commute into town - that is exactly what they want, and i hate that, but hey...i hope that it goes ok.

i have been doing some youth type stuff - yesterday i had a youth training and resources day - it was very good, very informative, and also introduced me to the people who rub breaking opeb the word which i am going to try and go to from now on, as it does sound fab! have meetings galore this week, another youth group one, and a taize meeting also! very very busy, but good!
met up with susannah recently - hadnt seen her for two years - crazy! but just great - was cool to see her, and nice catch up. so yeah...

um, rain broke off for long enough for me to do an hours run - am cream crackered now! but it was a good run - always what the doctors had ordered...and it is true - it makes me feel so much better, and the happy hormones do go like crazy. talking about that, my mood has been up and down. two things in particular are making me down, not wanting to divulge too much, a few people know what they are...one i think will get sorted, but the other, well i dont know at all.

anyways, enough for now
take care
xx