the write up for my project has begun, and i have three weeks before the nasty things is given in, and then my masters is over, and i will have just over two weeks in nottingham left for enjoyment and job hunting before my year in nottingham will come to a sad end, and we will all be going our seperate ways - am already beginning to feel very sad about this.

keep on emailing my supervisor with questions about my write up and how things should be as i dont want this to bring my mark down, so we shall see how it goes. but am waiting to see another member of staff regarding my results as i have never done qualititative analysis before, and i have found quite an exciting result which is more a development of some kind of theory then just say content or thematic analysis, and so she doesnt know how exactly i should write how my results were analysed and thus how they should be written up, so this part is still up in the air.

have a wedding to go to this weekend. Rachel from my course is the bride, and she is getting married to Ollie on saturday. can we just pray that this is a good day for them, and that they can grow in the love of God together. They are a young christian couple, and so prayers for them would be great. I have got to get a pashmina and a bag to go with my dress, and i had my haircut yesterday for the first time in over a year so that it looks nice for the weekend, even if andy, mike and enrique didnt notice that i had over an inch off the length, and my sweeping fringe put back in....men!

other than that, have been having some quite vivid dreams recently which have been quite funny and making me laugh, but have been sleeping a lot better which is very good.

take care

this blog post os just for one person who was complaining last night about not being mentioned enough....so here it goes:

Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth....





.......is a ...?

xfour weeks exactly today, and my project gets handed in...that time is going to go sos quickly as well, but its coming on ok. today i wrote a summary of my project as i may be presenting at the POP (post-graduate occupational psychology) conference in january, and that was really helpful as it meant that i had a chance to read through notes that i hadnt read through in a while and it also meant that i could get some idea of the direction that my project is going in as well. but it has been sent off to two tutors to check for me now so fingers crossed. anyways, apart from that not much is happening, am battling on, am trying to be over happy to make up for my downess which is freaking a few people out here...may have to bring it down a bit now! oh well. what can you do. johnsons beer festival going on at the mo, the ticket i got last night means that i can ask for three more pints and dont have to pay any money - always good news. thanks to adrian and gareth last night who allowed me to test all the ales that they got - still not an ale liker i am afraid - will stick to the cider!

anyways, speak more soon

xxxx

my tearfulness just has to stop - one minute fine, the next minute i am not...oh dear, its all not good, but i will battle on regardless and be fine hopefully - no i will be fine - before ben starts worrying when he doesnt have to. its just been a hardish month where i have found out stuff and its not what i had prayed for, so i am angry with me and with God which is never the way to be...prayer has been hard, but i have just continued with it, as i know that it does help in the end, and God will be around me when others go.

but work is going on ok, am cutting and pastign my interviews into themes which is quite fun, but i can see it getting frustrating towards the end of it. but finished up my stupid consultancy things now which is good news.

have actually slept a bit better in the last few nights, which is good, but i have been having quite horrid vivid dreams, and they are really vivid, the one last night made me cry - i dont know why, i woke up in tears - wasnt very good.

although i have a few worries at the moment, some new, some old, most are due to my stupidity, it is quite surprising that i have been able to sleep - really it is. am feeling that a do need to escape for a bit again, but i cant...oh well, we shall see how it goes at the weekend, as we have the cloister bbq tomorrow, and that may be fun

ok, last night, i was boiling! really boiling. my body was being silly though - i had to go into the loo not once but twice in the night! now i was really thirsty still - now i thought the body was clever...it should have made sure that i wasnt thirsty, and not having to get up and pee twice! oh it did rather disrupt my otherwise ok sleep!

analysisng qual data is a long task, but it will start involving cutting and pasting and coloured pens which i am really looking forward too, but i will probably go mad with it later. my supervisor was very helpful, and i will be sure to discuss all my ideas with her before they go on paper....

its stupidly hot - i dont like it..its not fair that i have to do stupid work as well...that makes it even hotter of that makes any sense. you would not believe how long it takes to read through interview transcripts and analyse them - and i have to do this loads and loads of times. am seeing ninna my supervisor tomorrow so she can help me

i hope that i am sweating off excess weight in this heat! got a dress for my friends wedding...from the lads i got a few "i would" responses, and a wohohohoohohoho! so think all round its a thumbs up - its a strapless number, kind of turquoise, blue, green and cream, corsetted so it very nice, and had a ribbong across the middle - shoes are going to be the same as the ones i got for james and ellas wedding as they match, and need to get a pashmina and bag!



um, praying for good stuff to happen for me, its not been going so well lately...some people know why. just pray really, as i need some good news for once.

time for bed - which meand just lying on top of it, the thought of going under a duvet just freaks me out in this weather!

i think that i have too much contact with ben (thats not a bad thing i would just like to add ben, i love hearing from you - you total dude), but today just proves it. i am reading the Life of Pi at the moment, and i come to the end of a chapter, and there is a really good quote. all of a sudden i remember that Ben had read the book, abd blogged about it, so i spent an age going through the archive of his blog, to find that he had already blogged the quote - great minds think a like!

um...had some really good me time on campus today, sitting in the bandstand by the lake so not to get wet in the rain...made a bit of a tit having a little tear in public, and the cutest little kid with his gran and mum looked at me strangely cos of it when they came to feed the ducks! oh well.

anyways, am so tired - sleep has been poor due to weather.


xxxx

its time to write about what happened when i was at home recently, as with these hot summer nights that we have been experiencing, when i cant get to sleep, or when i wake up, i have had time to think about a few things that happened.

in general, my time at home was quite good - you know, i got 9 interviews done, i spent the day with my babcia, i went shopping in bromley and on oxford street, and we had a family meal (well without peter who is now in madrid) - and so that was all great.

what really has made me think, was what happened on the first evening back. i was talking to my mum, and she was asking me about role models, after she had read an article in the paper. i said, as i always have done, how my babcia is the best role model that i could have, with everything that she has gone through, and dealt with in her life, and her amazing strength and faith really does inspire me, and males me think that i have been well a truly lucky in comparison. i look round, and my mum is in floods of tears, so i go and rush over to her. she starts to tell me that she feels really guilty that because she has spent so much time looking after babcia, that she has forgotton to spend time to think about her dad, and all the things that he did for her, and that she just isnt over his death at all because she has not thouhgt about him. she told me that she felt terrible about this. i just didnt know what to say, i hate seeing my mum cry, and there i was in floods of tears too, telling her to stop crying.

it turns out, that my mum is just really sad that nobody seems to talk about my dziadzio anymore, as all they talk about is how strong babcia is. i just want to say, that i have a few good and really strong memories of my grandad, but he had dementia from when i was seven, and so a lot of what i remember is him getting worse, and how that terrible illness took over him. but that doesnt mean that i dont have happy memories. i love my grandad to bits. his illness did completely baffle me, i found it heartbreaking and confusing, how he could be suffering so much, and how all of us knew that he would have been hated to be seen like that, yet he kept on battling on. i suppose, that shows his strength and his battle. but, i love my grandad to bits, and he was such a kind and gentle man, and even though he was in pain, he would still always give you a little smile, and that is how i have to remember him. sorry, i am getting all emotional, but this is what i spent three hours crying with my mum about last weekend.

She then went on to tell me, that she was really worried about me, cos she just wanted me to be really happy and fall in love with somebody. if only she knew that my biggest fear isnt of spiders on anything like that, but it is growing old alone - i am petrified of that more then you would ever believe. just the thought of not having a husband who loves me is just so painfullt scary. its even worse that is in the last year, i found two people that i really have liked more than anyone else in a long time, and the feelings that i have had for them have not been returned, and i just feel so stuck, and empty. its the worst feeling. it means that i have to start all over again, to build up the courage, and i just get so fed up that there is something so unloveable about me. i see and hear how badly some people treat each other, and it makes me angry, when if i had something like that then i would treat it as gold dust.

anyway, so my time at home was actually quite emotional. i hate seeing my mum cry, and the fact that we just spent three hours or even more in each others arms crying has been on my mind for a while. i love my mum more than anything in the world, and seeing her so down, and hearing all her worries just made me so sad. i wish that she could be happier, and i really pray for her. she is a brilliant mum to my two brothers and i, a great daughter to my babcia, and sister to my aunts, and wife to my dad. the time that we spent last saturday was very sad, but i a way also very special.

and that has been what has been on my mind for a while, something like that just doesnt go that quickly.

four interviews yesterday - well done me!
ben - i never got my drunk phone call - disappointed!
i took a leap into the great unknown yesterday - well done me!

am off home for a few days now - internet connection will be intermittent...but have 7 interviews confirmed, with maybe a few more!

have left room in my bag to buy clothes (or have clothes bought for me!), and for food!

take care me loves

and ben, rachel and tesa - saw the film of your graduation - seeing you guys do that made me all emotional - very proud of you all my loves, you all looked so happy and lovely...well done, congratulations, and big hugs and kisses from me! love you all, and may God make your next journey a happy and good one!

xxx

its been a strange few days in my world. from having no participants - i finally have some. yesterday i still hadnt heard back from the nottingham branch of the commission, and so i had almost given up on that...last night i dreamt that i was there, and today they called me back saying that they had four people who had agreed to do my interview - i couldnt believe it - its strange that isnt it!

am going home to escape for a bit, but also have some interviews lined up there too which should be be good, but transcription will be a bit of a mare, but they have to be done, and then its just reading them over and over again, as what qualitative research involves!

so yeah, will have some data, and then my project can get underway.

something else nearly happened, but it didnt - wow great insight by me!

well, as i enjoyed being out of nottingham on saturday, i am making my next escape this weekend, as i am going home for a few days - but there is another reason for going home - that is i have some interviews to do in London for my project which should help with the participant total - but i never ever realised just how long transcription takes - i did two interviews yesterday, and the longer one just took ages to do! man! may have some interviews on friday too (please Lord!), as have used another connection that i forgot about - really am praying loads about this.

um, have been feeling a bit of a captive to my desk with the amount of work that i have at the moment. i am currently trying to finish my consultancy reports that are taking longer then i could ever imagine...

not much else to report really, not much else fun has happened in the world of me right now - its all work orientated. hurrah!

yesterday i had a much needed day out of nottingham, and away from the lads at cloister - i had a day with a great bunch of girls for Rachel's hen day, and it was so appreciated. as i had gone to be with a headache from crying about various issues, it was so good just to get out and in some ways i wish i could have escaped for longer - that would have been great.

so yesterday we made our way down to sollihul to rachels house, where we had some lunch, then went to stratford upon avon which was beautiful, and we got a row boat, and 9 of us went rowing - it was great fun - we stopped for a while as we had champagne and strawberries to celebrate with rachel. we had fun rowing, we got really good! when we got back onto dry land - we had yet more champagne and some lovely ice cream!

we made our way back to Rachels, and got changed and we went out for a really lovely meal in the evening. it was so pleasant...i had such a good time. everyone was just so lovely and kind and it also means that we will know more people at the wedding.

it was quite a shame to come back - as i said i would have quite liked to have escaped from the stress of everything for a while - my project, my personal problems, some people here - just everything that is stressing me out at the moment...but unfortunately we had to come back. but i have had many chats with people now, and they have calmed me down which is what i was really needing, as i was on exploding level, and my health is being effected, and just i was and am still feeling shite.

and the last bit if good news, i have my first interview with somebody tomorrow, this could be a long slow process, but at least i will have one person, and there are more possibilities to ring tomorrow

hello dear blog and fellow blog readers...

sign of a stressful day - when you come over all faint, at the job centre and make a tit out of yourself, as you semi fall onto the chair behind you. well that is what happened today! yep - hurrah! took another morning of walking around beeston and nottingham looking at temping agencies, once again i got some direct no's, other i got maybes, one firm were helpful but am not keeping my hopes up....we shall see. next week i am camping out in one and grabbing people to interview there and then which should be fun...oh man, i can just see this going horribly wrong, and i am stressed, hence the fainting. got back in, and had a lie down and then some lunch, and this afternoon i have been working on my consultancy project which is hard, but a little and often is the approach i am taking with this little baby.

anyways, lets just pray that something good happens soon

oh dear.
well on monday i had a bit of a zosia tantrum, i was juts getting so upset with the lack of responses about temps, that i burst into tears in my room...it is just so frustrating that for this part of my project its all in other peoples hands, and i cannot do anything about it, no matter how hard i try.

yesterday i met up with course people to go over the consultancy skills module - this was helpful, as it resolved a few issues i have, and we are going to meet up in a week or so's time to see where we have all got with this. and then it was back to reading journals and still getting no where with the old temps.

have woken up with a sicky feeling this morning as i am that worried about it, the fact that i have worked so hard for the rest of my masters, and then my project is going arse over tit just really isnt fair.

right, excuse me one moment....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i think that may have released at least one per cent of the frustration i am feeling at the moment - have shed a few tears after a company were rude to me down the phone - that isnt necessary, at the end of the day, i am being very polite, and only need a bit of help....some people just have got to me today, and i just feel like giving up as i do not seem to be getting anywhere.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

i know i should be really into my project right now, but gaining access is becoming such a bitch - my supervisor is urging me to keep going, but its so gutting, when you are doing everything you can, but getting nothing. have done letters, emails, went to visit some in person, and now i am ringing up - oh the persistance. i really hope that i do get some interviews out of this...i really do.

um - its very hot in notts at the moment, and am not used to it at all. sleep has been bad for the last few nights, not just because of the heat but have things flying around in my head thats keeping me awake.

well, the football yesterday was somewhat disappointing, but we had a damn good evening at Cloister, and i had a good time. we had a bbq in the cloister garden which was cool - sarah, dan, johann, alistair came to join the motley crew, and gareths friends sarah and james were here for the evening too. it was a really pleasant evening, lots of laughs, jokes and banter, and just general all time good fun...i almost did something that i have been meaning to do for ages, but began to feel physically sick at the thought of actually doing it, so didnt - yup true zosh stylee!

i got a cushion and lay on the floor whilst andy played guitar and sang - unfortunately due to all the stupid light in nottingham, you cant see the stars which is very disappointing - was gutted.

the night ended pleasantly - i think i could have laid there all night. it was sure warm enough to, but i decided to go to bed instead - not that i could really sleep due to the stupid heat

damn me and stupid inabilities to speak what i feel - its tres crap

i am going to burst, i just cant hold some things in for much longer, it is becoming so hard for me. i have been coming quite emotional these last few days, yesterday i went to church at the cathedral - i got there early for some good God time, and i was just thinking about all the people that i said i would pray for, and i got a bit teary, and today when i was working, a song came on my computer, and once again i dissolved. this time of the year is always hard, as it the anniversary of my grandads death, that i am not really over, as in my head he is still in spain on his holiday, and i still cant get over the fact that i never got a proper goodbye. with the grandad that died this april, although i didnt get to say goodbye, there was a funeral, an ending, but for the other there wasnt, and thats been really hard for me.

there are just a few things really getting me not down, i would say just more frustrated with myself, and my stupid worries, and pathetic nature - damn it. i wish i wasnt like this, and can just bite the bullet, but i cant and it sucks

good news is that i dont have anaemia so all those who said i should go back to eating meat - hahahahaha! but the other news is that the reason i had to have more blood is that they are quite concerned about my constant lethargy - not like me, usually have a lot of energy, and that i had low white blood cell count, and so they want to check this out...interesting.

um, big brainstorms about project are still going, its actually being really helpful as i am picking out new info that i hadnt seen before which is fab. i hope that the footwork i did yesterday actually gets me somewhere, am getting a bit concerned that i havnt done any interviews yet. might do some consultancy skills stuff this weekend - seems like time to do that.

really need a wee, so thats it for now

xx

congratulations to ben - he maybe a cockey gimp sometimes, but he deserves a well done for his degree - he has put up with lots this year, and so this is well deserved...well done tessa and rachel too - you are all clever monkeys, and i am ever so proud of the three of you

the last few days have been up and down. have been workign hard doing brainstorms for my project and consultancy skills things, and today after going to the cathedral for mass (its a nice cathedral on the inside, but i was very disappointed with the lack of catholic youth in Nottingham - i gave the old ladies and men a shock turning up to go to church). after church, i did some work, but it may not seem like work. cos i went round and round nottingham trying to find the temping agencies and trying to get them to take part in my project, some were very helpful, some were awful, so we will see.

had no lunch though, and now its 7:42pm, so i am going to make my scrambles eggs with courgettes, mushrooms and garlic wrap...mmmm

xxx

well, last night, luckily i wasnt the only one who needed a drink, and so a few of us in flat 2 had a few drinks - i knew that the lads would do me proud. i even managed to get a nectarine (i am out of fruit which i hate as i tend to live on fruit, will go to sainsburys tomorrow)

i found it really hard to get asleep, have loads on my mind at the moment. ,y work is going so slow at the moment - its very frustrating. i spend the mornings trying to gain access to temping agencies, trying to find their email addresses so that i can contact them. then in the afternoon, i do literature reviews, or i try and so my consultancy reports. yesterday was consultancy reports, but i am not happy with what i have done so far - oh well, never mind

anyways, back to emailing temping agencies.

am so cold today. am sat in my room, with 3 layers on (the top one being my comfort jumper that my brother gave me that i wear when i am having a particularly shit day), and i am even using my blanket that i have on my bed. I think its because i may have a little cold (have been sniffling a lot), and just because in general i have had quite a shit day. i normally take one a-d in the morning, and one in the evening, but today i took them both in the morning, as i needed to, but have not really felt much affect which is disappointin

after a stomach churning morning, i finished reading some journal articles, emailed more temping agencies to try and get help with my project (although my supervisor is so relaxed about this, saw her after church yesterday). i went to campus to book a doctors appointment, but the computers were down so will go back again tomorrow. but the walk was much needed, gave me time to think about all kinds of issues, like whether i should apply to some of the jobs that I was sent this morning, and that was making me think about what i really did want to do in the future, what direction i should follow, and who was going to be in the future with me, and have tried to get down to writing the first part of my consultancy workshop assessment - the consultancy report, but i am finding this quite difficult - probably more difficult that it should be, but i dont want this to bring down my average, as i am quite happy with my merit, and want to remain on that level.

need some big cheering up - will see what the lads have to offer later, they usually come up trumps in these situations - maybe they will suggest pub, havnt been to the pub for a while, and that would be nice. but hey ho, back to the work - will i hit the 1000 word mark today? lets see.

its been quite emotional chez zosia recently. On friday, i was happy that i got my level a and b qualifications, but that was put aside, as i found out that Biibis dad had died back in Ghana. It was a hard evening, you can hug and try and control tears as much as you can, but whatever you say sounds so lame. It was so hard for all of us, we were all in a bit of shock, we just stayed strong for her. I got a bit teary with her, just all my emotions came out. Biibi is a Christian, so I prayed for her and her dad, i felt that was the only thing that would make sense in this situation. saturday was a day i had been looking forward to, as i was going to birmingham to see Sbosh from Lesotho. this was as good as i thought it would be, it was amazing to see him again, and we had a reflect about africa, had time to chat about our lives, and i cried on the coach home, as i really dont know when i will see him again, which is really hard.

yesterday, i was just mega tired. from having the accident last week, to working really hard all week to get my level b, to having a really emotional saturday and friday i was just worn out, and so whenever i tried to get down to some work, i just fell asleep, so it was not as productive as i thought it would be.

and this morning, well its not even worth trying to write down what i am thinking about, and what has just hit me. just as i thought that things were looking up for me, and that i was getting somewhere, i get slapped in the face, and this one really stings. i cant describe how i am feeling - to be honest i feel a bit sick, emotionally and physically

just to let you know, cos i know that you are all interested - i am now level A and B qualified, which means i can administer, score and feedback on personlity measures (the NEO P-IR), and psychometric tests - go me!

At the time of writing this I am both angry and bored for two seperate reasons

will deal with the bored first: i have spent all of today (bar from a trip to boots on campus to purchase a few necessities) writing up my reports and necessary documentation for my level B professional developments. it has just been so tedious. i am currently in the process of writing my third personality feedback report of the day, and if i have to write "as in accordance with the data protection act" again, i will scream. anyways, it all gets handed in tomorrow which is a big relief.

now the anger: this has to be dealt with a bit more sensitivity - well it doesnt really, but for my sake it does, because to be honest i dont think that i can deal with one more confrontation about my beliefs, the fact that I am a Christian and believe in God. The thing that gets me, is that my belief is personal, i dont go about advertising and shouting from the roof tops that I am a Catholic, no i keep it to myself, and try as hard as I can to live my life in accordance with my beliefs, but i certainly do not enforce these on other people. Yes I believe in God, and yes, sometimes i do slip up, i do make mistakes, and i do things that i am not proud of, but i do feel sorry for the mistakes i make, and its not as if i think i get off lightly when i have slipped up. all I have to say is - why should anyone else care about my beliefs? why do i have to constantly battle to defend them? i shouldnt - thats right, when i dont i get told that its because i am insecure, am doubting my own faith, that i dont believe as i cant defend it, but when i do try and defend it - in a contradictory manner, i get told off for being insecure enough to have to try and defend my faith and that its wrong anyway. whatever way - i seem to fail.

at first i put up with the constant banter about it, but now, not only has it crossed the extremely rude barrier, it has also upset me a lot - on more then one occassion i have been reduced to tears as a result of this confrontation, and this is not fair. I may not agree with everyones beliefs, but i dont say that someone else is wrong for what they believe in, and i certainly would never call someone insecure for believing in what they do - that is not fair, and I know that I have no right to say things like that - so why other people believe they have the right to do this baffles me. the fact is, i have put up with it long enough. i just dont see why somebody just cant agree to disagree, like i have done with their beliefs...oh yeah its because some people are just more arrogant then others, and are not content until everyone is living in line with their beliefs, and completely disregarding an individuals free will to believe in what they want to. the irony is, the same individual believes that everyone should be able to do what they want to do, without the constraints of the society/economy/organisation puts upon them....so according to that - i should be able to believe in what i want to?

anyways, that has put me in an awful mood, i just cant hack the barrage of insensitive questions, banter, confrontations, abuse that i get anymore. as if i need anymore stress. its rude, hurtful, arrogant and upsetting.

as promised, i am now going to tell you about my weekend, and why i am in a lot of pain - and ben its not funny - it really hurts, and you putting your hand in boiling water was your fault - you rang me remember, how dare you say i distracted you.

ok, friday has nothing to do with it, but i think i should just mention that it was on this day when i found out i had passed my exams - wohoo!

on saturday, my parents and my nan came up to visit, so i got up really early so that i could tidy my room - i really was needed! we went around the lake, to the downs, and the millenium garden, and then went to a really nice pub for lunch, where babcia rediscovered her liking for cider! they then took me to sainsburys where i took the opportunity to really stock up on the things that i needed.

they soon left, and then i heard about a critical thoery gathering that was occuring, so i went with the intention that they were not to talk about critical theory as i dont understand it at all, its all long words that i just dont get...so my plan actually worked, and i havnt laughed as much as i did for a really long time, and i really had a good night, even though i did fall asleep for about an hour at the end, as i was just so tired.

it was my tiredness (and resulting laziness) which means that i am hurting a lot. i really didnt want to walk home, so decided to get a backy on adrians bike - and that lasted for about 30 seconds, until i landed in the middle of the road. the last thing i remember is bashing my chin, then waking up in a wee bit of shock, and crying cos i was in pain - it was the really snotty type of crying too. an ambualnce came, and they were not going to take me to hospital until they noticed that my little finger on my right hand was hanging at a strange angle! so to a&e in the ambulance with adrian and andy i went - have to add here that andy was very excited about the whole ambulance ride, and that paramedics thought that backy was some type of drug and not a lift on a bike (just to say that i dont take drugs and dont smoke - hate them both).

in a&e i had an x-ray of my hand, and they did various checks to make sure i had no broken ribs or breatbone (as dramatic bruising had started to develop), and as i had dislocated said little finger i had gas and air while they popped it back into place! so now i just have nice bruising on my chin and mouth (lucky no teeth were knocked out), and even a great bruise in my mouth which really hurts when i eat. i have a nice bruise on my breastbone, and very saw ribs, a bruised hip, grazed shoulder, and various bruises on my legs. finally got home at 7:30 sunday morning - it would have been quicker to walk! but one thing i learnt from this, other than not to be lazy is that the inside of your mouth bruises - i so never knew that!

yesterday was so tired as the pain killers given made me very drowsy, and just general lack of sleep, but adrian made me a lush tea - mmm!
today i think the actual pain is coming through...my bones really hurt, it really hurts when i laugh, sneeze, have to breathe deeply, and it really hurts when i move my arm above a certain height which sux as it makes tying my hair back quite hard, and even showering is a right pain.

as i said almost didnt go to my assessments today, but did in the end, had warned my supervisor steve that i may not be able to go, but i did, and when he saw me he did have a laugh, until he saw the extent of my bruising and that o was actually in a lot of pain.

have done some of my homework for my assessment tonight - the main thing i need for tomorrow is done
and some other good news is that one of the temping agencies that i wrote to about gaining access to their clients, has very helpfully agreed to help me in my search which made me very happy indeed!

i just want to say thanks to adrian and andy for coming to the hospital with me, and keeping me sane there...adrian for the choc and the yummy food - it seriously was yum - the pasta was amazing (just to let everyone else know, adrian makes his own pasta), enrique for the yummy cheesecake- had another bit today, and God really for being there looking after me on my fall so i didnt bash my head, or do any seriuos damage to myself.

will blog more about the weekends events later, just to say that this morning i woke up in a lot of pain, and felt very sick and sore, and even contemplated missing my assessments today (and for someone who has never missed a lecture thats huge), but am going even though i nearly vomitted in the shower- side effects of pain killers...

am feeling very lethargic the whole time - i do nothing, and yet still feel the need to nap! oh well.
have now reached the 30 article mark for the project - yep i have read 30 articles regarding temporary workers and agencies! i feel quite proud which is good! have also been looking at some of the assessment for the consultancy workshop that I have to do, and have been brainstorming a few ideas for one of them, hopefully will be meetign with people from my team, to go over the ideas that we had developed so that we can write it up. this week is the level A assesement week, which is going to be hardcore, but worthwhile when i fingers crossed pass it!

good news - it made me cry, sbosh (my team mate from africa), is in england, and i spoke to him on thursday night which was just amazing, and i was so happy to speak to him, that i did cry, and it was just so surreal, but absolutely awesome..will be teary when i meet him aswell, but hey thats the way it goes!

bad news - the doctor wants some more blood from me - have asked dave why this could be, he seems to think that it may be because they want to do some more tests about my iron levels, as i may have anaemia - its not confirmed, but its most probably - and would provide an explanation for my lethargy...

other than that, not much is going on, just have to battle through these next few months, and hopefully gain a qualification at the end!

Oh my gosh, my mood has been so crazy recently its just silly, I may have to do what somebody texted me, I think that it will help big time. well, the second day of the workshop yesterday, I actually really enjoyed, I think that i may have got more out of it then I thought that I would, and found ot very interesting, and the ideas that we came up with as a group were really good. And I had a smile on my face all the way home, as the facilitator said to me at the end that she had been very impressed with my contribution and once again came up with very interesting and relevant points, so that made me happy.

have had other things on my mind, and so have been keeping myself to myself and not imposing my hormonal mine field onto other people in Cloister - i dont feel its fair, i just have to get over my stupid insecurities myself, and tell my stupid head not to think in certain ways as it really is pissing me off more than i can ever imagine. and its strange, as its not the same thing tha has been annoying me over the last few months, this is something new.

Have got a meeting with Katy and Jess today, as they are not going to be at church on sunday, and so Izzy and I are taking over their singing roles, but they are amazing (and i actually mean amazing - they are music graduates), and so feel a tad scared, as my singing is like karaoke in comparison to theirs! oh well never mind! we shall see what happens on sunday...

um, so new flower/tree must have unleashed all its pollen recently as i am sneezing like there is no tomorrow which is not very pleasant. anyways, back to work now.....

ok, well i have passed my ethics which is good - i can get going with my project which is good - time to send out letters to temping agencies.

thank you to Ben - that was such a lovely surprise, and sure made me smile when i was having a bad day - it was brilliant, and some of the words are beautiful.

today, we had a workshop today about consultancy skills, it was being run by my tutor, who knows me as being a retard and so was surprised when she saw it was me speaking out loud - so much so, during the lunch break she came up to me, and said well done for what i had said, so i was quite pleased with that.

but other things have been on my mind today, and since being home i have been very teary and crying and then the stupid fire alarm went off cos my retard housemates dont close the door when they are cooking so it stinks out everything. am just in a mood, i will snap out of it i know, but at the moment, something different to what i have normally been going on about has just got to me today, really badly.

just so you all know, and are not at all worried - blood pressure is fine, pupil reactions are fine, the rash on my arms is predicted heat rash, but four little bottles of blood were taken from my arm checking for things like iron and stuff (my mum told me off for turning veggie and not looking after myself properly!)

so we shall wait and see.

my tutor is all of a sudden randomly contacting me and making sure i am ok - will be seeing her this week anyways, as she is running the module workshop thinh! hurrah!

anyways, work time
xx

its been a busy week, and i havnt blogged any of it - sorry.

well i have completed 110/180 credits of my masters - a wohoo! i wrote an essay this week - it wasnt the best as after exams i was just beyond the point of caring. i also gave in my proposal..i saw my supervisor at church today, and she said that she really liked the sound of my project which is cool, and they are just checking the ethics tomorrow which will be cool. if anyone is interested - my project is "why do people undertake temporary work? an exploratory study into the nature of temporary agency work", so i will be having to do focus groups/semi-structured interviews, and my analysis will be all qualitative...which is why it may shock people that this week i also completed an spss workshop. i wasnt going to go, but then decided that it may be worth my while, and a good thing to have on my cv. i actually really enjoyed it - steve and iain ran it which was jolly good, and i had a laugh with them, especially on the last day as there were only a handful of people there - but it was good, and i actually remembered loads and i havnt used spss for over two years! once learnt never forgotton!

yesterday was quite exciting - for all the wrong reasons. i was working in the morning, and then worked while the football was on, and then after i went to sainsburys - all fine, nothing exciting i hear you cry!!! until that is when i got to the checkout, and fainted whilst packing my bags, i kindof collapsed onto my shopping...the next thing i knew was that i was being guided by a few members of staff to some chairs, and there was a lot of calling for first aiders! i felt very stupid, as when asking for my address i couldnt remember some of it, and i was shaking, and i was apologising a lot. still dont know what caused it, but dave and andy very kindly came to get me and take me home, and then i slept for a long time. i then made an appearance at lauras leaving do, and just laughed a lot about what happened - it is funny looking back at it! the funny thing was they said my ankles looked puffy and had water retention, so after finding out that I am not pregnant, stated that it may just be because of the hot weather, or that i just had fat ankles! i like to think its just because it was hot! and i seemed to have been quite happy that they gave me a free glass of water!

have been doing some reading for my literature review part of my project, as cant do much until i get the afore mentioned ethics clearance, and i have another module this week, and then my professional assessments! brilliant!

this week, God answered some of my questions, but He gave me the answer that I didnt want, and i did get quite angry and moody for a bit, but its all ok now, i have chatted it over with a few people, and its all good, just why i didnt get this answer a few months ago still confuses me, but hey.

and also, i was talking to the self-proclaimed only male catholic catch in exeter this week, who told me that he wouldnt blog some of my comments, but then went to tell people anyways...oh you, well just for pay back time, if there are other catholic men in exeter, you can abuse him back, as your faces are offensive apparently!

thats about it, am job hunting too, need to find something occ psych related...and just have to make sure i stay healthy - have a docs tomorrow anyway, so will see what happens

have not blogged for a while, so will give a quick update as to what has been occuring in my life recently. i dont like the new self-scan things that they have in sainsburys, it takes away the poitn of people being paid to do that kind of thing. i felt that i should have a name badge saying zosia on it...am quite gutted as i missed out on a cd that i have been wanting for ahes on ebay yesterday - it was by rebecca st james, and is usually quite expensive, but it was going for really cheap, but some bastard got in there just before it timed ot, so i was quite angry about that yesterday. have been doing good old essay research, which has been as fun as you can imagine - i keep on having dreams that the answers that i wrote in my exams wer all wrng which hasnt been very good for the old stress and depression i am telling you, and i know that i cannot live by these type of dreams but it does get me down a bit. i just hope that human factors in vr does include presence....some of my arguemnets would work, as i mentioned a study that was about attention and presence, and so human factors of attentions would effect the virtusal environment, and sickness takes away the enjoyment thought needed to take part in vr! but its all just a mess really.

apart from that the usual stuff has been on my mind, and still no outcome ahs been seen - I am really praying taht God will give me someguidance about this issue soon, as i am going slightly crazy abut it all. went to town the other day and got some earrings which i have been beeding recently, as i have seemed to have lost quite a few pairs recently which is annoying. i had a picnic with my cell group on firday, we kindof got rained on though, so we had to move it inside, but we looked like right troffers with the number of biscuits and dougnuts that we had! but i was good - i only had onr dough ut and that was it! i think i have put on some weigth over exams, so i am trying to be carefull for a bit. thast all for now i think...oh i have just finished my proposal and ethincs for my project which was supposed to be given in three weeks ago - what a shame...its done now, and they will get it on wednesday..its not very exciting, so they will just have to read pages of boredome.

take care evreyone i hope that you are all fine and dandy, am off to start writng an essay - maybe after i have watch an episode of er!

at the moment i am going crazy...last night i had a really vivid dream about my stats exam and that people were ripping my research design to shreds, and now i am just full of doubt as to what i suggested as my research design, and have just excepted the fact that i will be back in september doing that paper which is just making me feel so sick...i am desperately trying to remember if i actually wrote some of the stuff that i think that i wrote - like i sure hope i wrote about the practical problem of conducting focus groups in the population that i was researching....anyways, i just want to forget about it now, and just move on to the next bit of work that i am workign towards now...it is juts driving me crazy - i hate it when i have such vivid dreams that make me go crazy, it just upsets me that i take these things to heart so much - i know that stats was my weak point, i really do just hope that i have done enough to scrape a pass because i will be so gutted if i have to resit - so upset,

anyways back to essay research, but there are other things that are upsetting me at the moment also, and its all to do with me and my uselessness at sorting things out for myself, as i am too damn lame, and its just beginning to piss me off more than i can even imagine.

yesterdays exam was a shocker...really bad. when talking to ellie yesterday on msn in one essay i went on about presence for half of my essay when i dont know if it even should have been mentioned! oh well...i just thought that it was a challenge to human factors on virtual environments as we dont know how to measure it and how people experience it...oh well never mind....

today is my worst exam, quantitative and qualitative research collection and analysis methods - awful! ita going to be a killer of an exam so we may have to see this paper in september again! still revising it! anyways, better get back to it...see me at 3:30 i will be asleep somewhere as i am so tired its untrue..late nights and early mornings due to revision doesnt make zosia happy.

not in a good mood this morning, keep on having mental blocks as to information and i am very scared....at one point i couldnt stop physically shaking for a long while, and i was crying...not so good. i knew this last night, why dont i know it now??? oh dear, looks like this will be a waffly exam for sure...can we pray that nice questions regarding participatory ergonimics and virtual reality come up please

today i realised just how boring participatory ergonmics was, and how in the exam i may just fall asleep when answering the question because it is soooo dull! and it just doesnt want to stick in my head, so i may be waffling somewhat! virtual reality is slightly more interesting, and thats only because i imagine what i would look like wearing one of the silly head mounted displays....oh my life has just got incurably sad.

changed into my pjs at five, so have stayed in my flat! our kitchen was a work room for agatha biibi and i, and then gharima made some lovely pakoras for us which were really yummy!

um, really not much else - am glad i have tomorrow morning to go over these topics - i really need it, and for once i am not just saying that!

i have been trapped in the bedroom of statistics hell today, and i havnt enjoyed it! its been awful! but hey ho, by tuesday it will be done. tomorrow will be an ergonomics hell, but at least that kindof has a point (somewhat limited but a point is there somewhere!).
nothing much interesting has happened..although flat four had an egg explosion after ocean put his eggs on to boil and then left them...for a long time. i was on an exploration of cloister to figure out where the burning smell was coming from! its good to know that the smoke alarms work so well, as none were activated..

anyways, tea time, before back to the stats
xxx

botched up the timing in my exam, was gutted, am feeling pretty crappy about it...damn it.
um, have just had a massive throw out of stuff in my kitchen as there were six of us in there, so we went through the freezer fridge, stuff on the table and in cupboards - we then moved out the washing machine to find belongigns behind there, so with the help of an umbrella i got them out.

decided am not going to dan the grandads birthday ( he is 26 today), but i gave him an IOU birthday drink to which he has already responded that he is going to hold me to it...typical of the tight scottish bastard!

other thing have gotton me a bit down recently, but three down two to go, the end of exams are in sight...till resits in september anyways!

am tired, but am still doing qualitative stats tonight, and i want to read through ergonomics tonight too...might go to the chippy for some chips for tea - i am really craving them

xxx

have been revising since eight this morning, finished at just gone 11 last night...am tired and stressed as i have had two awful nights sleep in a row, even though i am exhausted...am beginning to think it may be the lucozade i have during exams, as i dont usually intake any caffeine into my system...anyways, feel nervius about this one - its more a timing issue than an info issue i think, for both topics i have revised there is so much i could say thats interesting and useful. um, tonight you would think that i was resting, but no, am going to be doing qualitative revision for stats, and looking over my ergonomics notes for monday...

anyways, back to revision, have about 90 mins before i leave for campus....

God is doing me proud at the moment. came out of todays exam with a smile on my face - if i had a bit more time then i could have written a bit more for both, but i was quite happy with what i have done - managed to display extra reading for both, and i like the way that in nottingham they encourage you to put headings in essays, as that really does help with my structure of my essay so i dont just ramble about any old point.

right, prayers for tomorrow - well its a 1:30 exam so i have less time to cram in the morning, but can we pray that training evaluation comes up, and that 360 degree appraiasal comes up (this one still needs a wee bit of work on the morning!)

cheers..the end of exams are nearly in sight...my handwriting is becoming less legible as the exams go on - pity the fools on tuesday who will be marking the last exam!

take care to anyone else doing exams etc - they are a bugger but we will get through them! and hey - there are always re-sits!

so exam number two at 4:30 today! please pray that teams come up (well teams will come up - in fact two questions about teams will come up) but please can we pray that the questions will be nice, and that i will be able to make the right decision about which one to answer, and that a nice question about models of chnage come up. am doing some cramming now, as i have to, but i am liking this topic more than yesterday, and so do become more engrossed into it.

anyways, better get back to the old revision, feel a bit sick but i know that they are just nerves feeling, but this is not a s bad as i feel when i am outside the room, and waiting to turn over the page...

but hey ho...its nearly over then i can sleep...slept awfully last night, really awfully and i hate rubbish sleeping

1 done, 4 to go, have been revising for the one tomorrow. todays was ok, i know that i could have written better answers if i had the time to, but hey, i have shown evidence of extra reading and stuff that he didnt mention in lectures, so we shall see what happens. had a very nice invigulator too (dont know how you spell that word). um...and i popped down to chapel and cell group were still there which was mega cool, so had a quick pray with them, and they all prayed for me and my exams which was truly fabo...

and to top off the day - dave got us rhubarb and apple crumbles which were very yummy, especially as mine was swimming in custard! it was just what zosia's belly had ordered!

anyways, back to revision - can we pray that a nice question about models of change and teams come up tomorrow please - then i will be a happier bunny.

xxx

scared, scared scared. have just managed to eat something, but i feel very sick...still over three hours before the exam begins - its sux man! anyways, will read over my notes a few more times,but i am in the mindset of if i dont know it now, i never will!
anyways, hate exams - not a test of knowledge, a test of memory. and ben call me a whimp if you want, but these exams a biggies for me...and five in a row sux

first exam tomorrow, am pooing my pants really as its the topic that is crazy - but also saw my tutors about an exam next week, came home and cried about that for two hours as its a mare...right guys, prayers for tomorrow - can we pray persomality assessment comes up, ethical selection comes up and assessment centres come up as they are the three topics that i have prepared and i only need to do two! so lets pray. and while we are here, will ask you to start praying for stats next week that in section b, grounded theory and interviews or focus groups come up...

um, its not till 4:30 tomorrow so i have all day to get worked up and also to get the last pieces of knowledge in my head

well better get a good nights sleep
thanks for the phone call benjamin - it had been far too long

take care
xxx

its going to be a hectic week, with exams wednesday thursday and friday, i am kind of dreading this week happening. seeing more tutors on tuesday to go over a wee bit of work that i am having some trouble with which will be very helpful. just prayers please, that my risky revision strategies will have paid off, thats the most important, as somebody said to me today - its all in Gods hands (well done katy!)

have had two days of awful revision which have not made me happy - i keep on getting awful headaches and trying to battle through them - today i gave up and went to sleep for an hour, and did feel better for doing so. all i can do is try my best at the end of the day - i am not going to put high expectations on myself, i cant - i dont want to be disappointed come results. am just really worried - prayers please!

also, have been trying to figure out another awkward situation i am in, and the more i think about it, the more confused i get, and i am going round in circles, but at the end of the day i dont want to hurt the people involved, and i dont want to hurt myself either, so its not too good.

um, thats all for now, bed time now, church tomorrow, and then hopefully that prayer will have me all fired up for the rest of the day

was scared by my stats lecturer today - very scared, so am knuckling down - have just done two hours of reading as to how to do good research,and made some revision notes - this is officially the worst exam i think...

anyways, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger - have been learning that in many ways over the past few days.

a line from a hymn:

Will you love the 'you' you hide if i but call your name?
Will you qwell the fear inside and never be the same

loved it when we sang it ages ago, and have my prayer book with me on campus today, and so thought it was relevant to how i have been feeling recently

the last few days we have been having revision lectures, and sometimes i wish that people would gag me when i am in these, as i feel the need to say things, even though it makes me look like a prawn, or that i know the topic really well...the thing is i read my notes just before going into these lectures and so i make myself sound intelligent, when really i am not.

have been upset my a few things recently. my emotions are silly - can laugh a lot, then i cry a lot, its all up and down. am fed up, bored of revision, bored of things on my mind just going round and round, and just having a bit of a down time at the moment. most people are being very kind and understanding even though i am being a moody fuckwit at the moment, and for them i am truly thankful. my worst exams revision lecture at the moment, and so i am going to be very quiet in that lecture, and soak in all the knowledge that i can get.

am defering the handing in of my proposal for sure now. Iain - the dude - he is a dude has okayed it with me and the department - and for that i am truly thankful. so that allows me just to focus on the old exams. i am going to see steve some day this week too - that should be helpful.

other than that, just a bit down...just trying to battle on, have got stuff on my mind - the same stuff as before that i have to think about and really decide what i want, and what will be good to me, some people have given me advice on this, mixed advice, mixed support and annoyance, and i know i am going to have to make my mind up, its not the easiest things for me.

anyways, enough criptic shite, back to ethics in selection

ok - its stupid how fast time is just going? i cant believe it - the phrase says time flies when your having fun - but i am not having that much fun, so time just shouldnt be flying like this! i mean, now its only ten days till first exam...my mum told me tonight to not work so hard that the work is stale - i assured her that would not happen, as some things i am literally reading for the first time - which is not clever but the way things go!
so in this last week - nottingham has finally seen some sun and a sense of spring - although its rained this week, its been the summer rain, and even smells of summer rain which is ok! i have been doing 9-6 days in the library - i find the Hallward a nice library to work in, and there are some fit men in there too!
um, i was also offered the chance to defer some of my exams - not a choice that is as easy as it sounds...i decided not to defer any of the exams, but i have asked if i can defer the handing in of my project proposal so that I can just focus on my exams for now...i shall hear back soon, the only problem with that is the ethics decision, but we shall wait and see. but, during that meeting with the disabiloty officer, i also had the chance to show him the revision notes that i had done, and he said that they were ok, and now its just a chance to learn it! am now on beta blockers again too - have changed to a nicer doctor who actually listened to what i was saying which was a blessing.
had cell group outside this week which was really nice...really nice actually. i look forward to that part of wednesday, it really relaxes me...great company, biscuits, good conversation and prayer, cant get much better than that! and then the next few days after leaving the library, i have gone to sit on the bank above the lake for half an hour on the evening sun, having a pray and a think, and just some time out which has been lovely - couldnt do it today because of the rain!
have a few things on my mind, and some situations that i am trying very hard to resolve, but am not getting much help from anybody about them, which is very hard...even God doesnt seem to be doing much (well He maybe is telling me to be patient, and wait and see - but i am ignoring that), and so that is hard. my gran cried down the phone again today, i really dont know what to say when that happens, and it saddens me a lot. i have asked my parents that when my exams and essay are done, that they bring babcia up for the weekend to see me, as she never got to visit me at my last uni, so she can now.
speaking of exeter, am missing that now too. am thinking of all of you in your last year - i know that it really sux to leave the place, especially the chaplaincy, you are all in my thoughts. ben your tops, but get your house phone fixed my darling, and ed and han, i hope that things are both looking good for you too - thinking and praying for you all
take care, back to the old revision for me now!
what joy!
oh - i did win a series of ER on ebay yesterday - am very happy about that - what a treat for after exams
xxx

what a stupidly hard day of work i have done today...was in the library at nine, had some time out for lunch with ellie, and then worked till five - checked my emails and did some research on campus, came home foe simpsons, revised, and after tea instead of watching telly, i got down to writing my research proposal for my applied research project this summer - if you ask me its sounds interesting, but then i have turned boring at the moment, and am a bit of a work whore...want to get these exams done and dusted now, i can see this really dragging on in a very boring fashion. but only 22 days to go, and have promised myself a treat for when exams are over - a series of er on dvd - the ultimate treat! and hopefully it will be deserved...what my treat will be on the 31st of august is as of yet undecided, but september the 1st will be a hangover to look out for!

anyways, time to make me bed up and go to bed...last lecture (excluding revision lectures) tomorrow!

today, i have been revising at home - i mean in my room - its been ok, i got sick of my room in the afternoon so went to jons to revise in there. also popped to i-who to give my deposit for my level a and b assessments, and to campus to get a paper.

today, lesotho has been in the news again! a wohoo! Harry has set up a charity to help all the orphans there - fab! this is really what the country needs. I wish people would look past the royal aspect of it, and see what he is actually doing for the country. when i was there last year, and spent my time with those children, and really feeling for them, i wished that i could just do more. when i get down i still think of baby josefa and his little smile and his infectious giggle that was so good to hear. even if it was just a little one it would make me smile, and when he proudly went over to the staff st SU and said - this is Nthabiseng when i was carrying him, was a moment i will never forget - the same as when he told me when i was saying goodbye to him for the last time and trying no to cry - when he said "nthabiseng no go home", you just get touched by things, and it makes you realise that something has to be done so that these children can have a life and have someone love them - surely everyone deserves that? what is really scary is if AIDS contibues at the rate its going, then in ten years time then there wont be a Lesotho - that is a shocking fact. Its a beautiful country, with so much to offer, the people actually have time for you and welcome you, and we have so much to learn from that nation...

was sad this evening when i rang my nan and she cried down the phone to me telling me that she was sad and lonely - i just wish i could have been there and hugged her. we are doing this thing that when we see the stars at night then we say one of them is grandad looking down at us...it just reminds me to the end of the little Prince where the stars remind the pilot of the princes laugh - that bit brings a tear to my eye everytime

anyways, long enough post today...better go and cook some tea soon, good telly is on tonight

today has been a kindof ok day actually, and i feel kindof happy as i write this tonight - ahh, sigh of relief.
this morning got off to a good start, i actually got out of bed when my alarm went off, and didnt put it on sleep for an hour! my meeting with my project supervisor ninna was so productive - i know have clear objectives and my research questions, and more of an idea as to the samples that i will need, and how to collect and analyse my data - and that is now blue tacked to my wall, nicely felt tipped with scented pens!
then i did some revision in the library for five and a half hours, and the topics were quite interesting - i had a few breaks before i am told off - i like the Hallward as you can eat your lunch in the cafe they have there - ingenious! exeter never had a library with a cafe!
then i met Katy, Tom, Angela, Helena, and we had two new people Angela and Sam for prayer group today. this was so cool - we sat and chatted and at chocie biscuits, we had a prayer, read todays reading, and then just had our time, and i felt so relaxed after that, and they are just such nice people, it was the first meeting aftre easter so hugs all round, and just a great time.
then when i got home, my indian flat mate presented me with a traditional Indian scarf handmade from her home town - and it is lush, its maroon(various shades), with the traditional village pattern in silver - its beautiful.
the apprentice was good today, but i couldnt be bothered to wath the apprentice your fired bit, as tom i have to go to IWHo to hand in my retard form, and then to the library to revise something before our lecture...
so good day...good people, good me time, good God time, good telly time....
xxxx
oh - and tessa, i hear from Katy that you do a good micro-wave impression, in the kitchen implement game! no secrets in these small christian circles we live in!

Last term of lectures started today, thats scary..but i think i said something similar two years ago! but hopefully i can get some proper routine going now, where i hope to be on a campus by nine to do revision...i am doing some somewhat risky revision tactics, but there is no way i can do everything. the department are being very helpful which is ace. i usually complain about my tutor but she is being lovely. havnt done everything i wanted to do today...i would have done i think, but i went to counsellling which was very helpful today, and so i am pleased that i went. um, not much else has happened - oh i think that this is the first day in a while that i havnt shed a few tears which is a bonus. my brother spoke to me today which cheered me up a lot, as i like talking to him, and he makes me laugh and is truthful with me, which is what i really admire in him.

anyways, bed time, have a presentation and a busy day of work ahead tom!

at the moment i am one complete emotional mess. I just find myself crying..like walking to church today, i had a few tears running down my cheek, but when I got to the service then it was full on crying, and i couldnt even sing the last hymn as i was crying, and it was horrid. i am just so emotional and so confused about so many things that are going on in my life at the moment. i feel so lost, i feel so confused, and my head is just full of crap that i really have to get sorted. I am worried about many people at the moment, it just seems like the last few weeks have been the weeks of doom, and it has really thrown me back so much, and i just feel so exposed at the moment. i am not a good person to be around at all, either crying, trying not to cry, or putting on my false happy face to try and seem happy.

little things are setting me off - like when i opened my card from my nan, it was just signed from nan, instead of nan and grandad, and things like that really just makes it hit home, that grandad has actually died and isnt with us anymore. and i feel when i talk to my nan that i really have to restrain myself from asking how grandad is, as it is almost like second nature to say that, or this morning when i woke up and looked at my photos on my wall, there is a photo with me and my grandad on my 18th birthday, and even though he was ill then, he was still physically able to do things, and just the life that the illness took from him is horrid.

i just feel shitty, and i feel like i am letting people down, and like i am trying to explain how i feel about issues, but i cant even understand them myself, let alone explain them in a way that makes any sense to other people. I am so tired as I am not sleeping well, as these thought buzz around my head, and i am also trying to revise and get in my project proposal, and live a life, and it all just seems so hard. and well, all i can say is i am sorry for being shit, and i can only hope that people can see that its been a horrid few weeks/months and its really taking its toll on me and i cant just seem to get a grip on it at all.

statistics on my birthday????!!!!! yes - as sad as it sounds, that is what i have been revising today! i have three more pages to go, but, then i will start drinking downstairs in flat 2 with the other lads, and hopefully continuing to throw juggling balls at Jonathans head!
will be going out later - nottingham watch out!

thanks to everyone who has sent messages/cards - u are all stars, and i love you all hugely
xxx

i said i would blog when something exciting happened and it did - well exciting and made me cry...i have just had an email from Lineo - my "mother" when i was in africa, and it is so cool. She said that rari and khottie talk about me all the time and that they have a bed made up for me waiting for my return to africa, and, oh it just made me cry as Lineo got me through the hard times, and there is so much i have to thank her for...she is a wonderful women, and it was such a nice surprise...this is a photo of Lineo and me on my birthday last year in Lesotho:



the only thing is it comes up the wrong way round and blogger wont let me chage it as it is doing something strange with the photos and i dont like it

i turn older tomorrow...why cant i be 22 forever?
have worked ok today, was in the library early - in fact i was the only student in tbe library for a while - geek i know.
my department have been very nice to me, my tutor who i have often complained about is being very nice which is good.
um, not much else to say...will post if anything interesting happens, doubt it will!

am almost at bursting point...i really am - and thats not because i have eaten so much chocolate after lent has finished (have actually been very good, as not eating chocolate helped me lose weight last term),but about something else that has been on my mind for ages...
work is going, revision is one of the dullest things you can do, but am trying my best to get things done. today i revised my training mosule, tomorrow its ergonomics - oh the joy is almost crazy..
birthday on saturday...the big 2-3. so much has happened in the last few weeks that celebrating feels almost wrong.

yesterday was the first time that babcia had been to our house in five years, so it was really nice to have her with us for easter sunday, as it is a very familial affair in Poland. I sat next to her during the meal, and she was telling me stories about dziadzio, and we both had a good little cry over dinner together which was sad, but we both needed it, as we actually havnt had much time to get used to the idea, what with the funeral arrangements, revision (for me), and then easter. so we had a good cry, and that was special.

my mum did us all proud with lovely food once again - i think it was also because I missed out on easter last year, and so this year it was so much more yummy.
today i have said goodbye to both my bros and davina, as they have gone back to respective flats, and i have been doing stats revision, although not much is going in, and tomorrow i am returning to notts to get my head down in the books and do hardcore revision that is really needed.

its been an emotional time at home, and babcia is going to be sad for a very long time, so i really must make more of an effort to write and to ring her so she doesnt feel alone. am also going to send her a copy of the little prince - a book so lovely everyone should read it....

happy easter everyone

i just wanted to put a quick post on. first off, thanks for the continuing messages of support that I have received from people - it really is special for me, the fact that people are praying and thinking for my family and i is just so lovely, and i truly know that I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends. The funeral the other day was very hard indeed, and it was a tough but beautiful service. we gave my grandad a special service, for the strong and special man that he was to us.

Easter sunday will be hard this year, with everyone still sad about grandad, but i hope its more of a time to celebrate life and the time that we can spend with each other.

i want to warn nottingham people that I am still quite teary at the moment, i try not to be, but i do find that some things set me off a lot, so if you see my cry i am sorry...but i will be doing hardcore revision when i get back anyways, as it has been hard to revise whilst helping to sort out funeral arrangements

and to ben - well my love, congratualtions, and enjoy the spiritual journey that you are now embarking on. i am glad that yesterday went well for you, and of course i would have contacted you on this special day...i am shocked you would have thought otherwise.

so happy easter my loves, and take care all of you, and thank you once again for all the support i have received, it s a huge blessing, and i am very thankful for it all

xxx

the last few days have been pretty tough. i have tried to put a brave face on - especially for my mum and for my babcia, but its been hard to and has used up a lot of my energy. I went to babcias as soon as i got back from Nottingham. It was strange going into the house, and not turning left to go and kiss dziadzio hello, and say in a cheery Polish way - i hope that he was well. Instead my babcia hugged me like she has never hugged me before, not letting go, and just repeating in my ear, he is with God now, he is not suffering anymore. a few tears came, but i just took some deep breaths, i didnt want to cry obviously infront of my nan.

When we went to church on sunday, it was just after communion, and the choir were singing a really nice song, and we had just finished a hymn that i love but havnt sung for a while, and my mum and i just sat and cried. We both lit a candle at the ned of church for dziadzio, to show that he is with the light of God.

Today, was the day when if we wanted to we could go to the chapel of rest. This may sound really weak and pathetic, but I just couldnt go. The last time i saw dziadzio was when i said good bye to him before going to Nottingham in january. As i sais bye and held his hand, there was a little sparkle in his eye, and a little smile on his face, and i dont want to forget that, and so seeing him there would have just been to hard. my mum understood when i told her yesterday, and said that was fine. I am trying to be string for my mum too, she is covering up a lot of sadness - its only just beginning to sink in for all of us.

Its the funeral tomorrow afternoon - a chance for us all to say goodbye to him fully. its going to be a hard and emotional day, and so prayers from people will be appreciated. My brother andrew and I will be doing the readings, i just hope that I will be strong enough to get through them. It is going to be tough, and i will be sad for a long time, so if i get tearful if i am around people for a few weeks then forgive me now...especially all the nottingham people who will probably bear the brunt of it.

I have been trying to do some revision to take my mind of it all, and get some of the information into my head for the exams as time is slowly ticking away, but it has been hard as you can imagine.

I would also like to take this time to thank everyone for the amazing support that they have given me, its been so good to have people around me and taking care of me, and just offering support - you are truly very good people, and just thank you a lot. it means a lot and i am very thankful

forgive me if i get very emotional during this post

as many of my regular blog readers will know, and all my closest friends will know my grandparents mean the world to me, and i love them dearly. also, many of them will also know, how much i have struggled with my grandads dementia, and how much it upsets me that he has struggled and suffered with this terrible illness. Unite two years ago was very tearful for me, as that night at the end of october he was given just 24 hours to live. Well, today, this morning he is struggling no more, he has joined the angels in Heaven, as very sadly he died. Apparently he didnt suffer, he had extra oxygen, but his heart was too weak, and he left this world, to go to some better place where he isnt ill anymore, and he feels no pain.

At the moment, I am distraught. I tried to speak to my mum, but no words could come out of my mouth, and i couldnt even bring myself to talk to my babcia as that would have been too hard. My grandad was a brilliant man. He really was. Battling on till the last moment. none of us could comprehend where all his strength was coming from...his longing to live was just amazing. but today, he must have realised that it was too much.

I would really just want everyone to say a prayer for him, to allow him to be happy with God, and let him be peaceful and pain free.

Also, can people pray for my Gran. She has been with him all through this illness, and has given up everything to be with him, even at times compromising her own health. my nan is a women i aspire to be, so strong and resilient. This is going to be so hard for her. they had been married for 55 1/2 years, and i know that she loved him so much. please can you pray that she has the strength to overcome this, and that she knows that we all love her so much.

the next few weeks are going to be very emotional, and i apologise now to all the people around me if i just cry on them, or get moody or emotional.

Dziadzio, i love you so much, and I really hope and pray that God has taken you into his arms, and you are looking down on us now, and guiding us. i pray that you are pain free and no longer have to struggle and suffer, and that you are full of Gods love and goodness.

have just had a mullerice pudding thing - and have to admit i was very surprised by it, it was very tasty.
am nearly on exploding point about an issue - am surprised it hasnt become public knowledge yet, but its driving me a bit crazy as i just dont know what to do. i am really cold today, hot water bottle for me tonight.

finished my stats notes - they were a mare, have just got to learn it all now. reading the notes i photocopied from ellie now - its so much quicker to read someone elses notes...i just hope that she can read my handwriting....

not much else is happening...we still have not got the frisbee back, but we hope that it will be back soon. the fridge in our flat had been fixed, noe the light in our hallway has broken...

am not in the best of moods today, am just annoyed with myself for being a bit of a loser about certain things...i say loser i really just mean scared....

right, these last few days have done nothing but stats, but quantitative and qualitative, and they have nearly killed me. i have one more lecture to go for quantitative and thats a killer...today i have done two, and seriously its been a struggle, gosh man, this exam is going to be a killer.

also, this weekend the cat was almost let out of the bag about something, and i got quite moody about that, i didnt mean to get moody, but it was so close to happening. well, i know its only my stupidity, but hey never mind.

yesterday, my tiredness hit me big time. i was so tired, and when my brother rang me in the evening i was dozing when trying to listen to what he was saying...so i went to bed, but couldnt sleep for a while. am still quite tired today, so may try and get another early night, will see if it works. something else upset me yesterday, but that is on the way to being resoved too, so fingers crossed.

take care my darlings

although dell and andy kindly fixed my computer today, i have still found myself up on campus. jubillee today - was getting sick of the hallward,a nd fancied a walk as it was sunny. have been married to a photocopier for about an hour - it was being tempremental - it must be something to do with me and technology, we really dont seem to be gettin on well at the moment - never mind. so am on campus...am trying to find some books to help me with the old stats component...thats going to be my next few days of fun - will be lucky if i emerge alive i tell you...very lucky. has been a quiet day...have only seen andy (and one of my housemates), and so when a librarian came to talk to me when i was having photocopier struggles, i had a good natter with him which was good. although cloister is not empty, it is very quiet, more so than usual.

what ive been up to: wednesday night we went to see stand up comedy - and laughed...and last night Laura taught us an argentinian drinking game, which we seemed to make very complicated....and then played quite a heated game of articulate from which tom, adrian and i emerged victorius - the victory was indeed sweet.

still havnt been sleeping well - i am surprised i havnt just collapsed in one big heap yet...is a nights sleep really too much to ask? and went to go and see a module conveynor the other day, adn she was helpful, and finally it seems as if my undergraduate project on prosopagnosia, is making its way around the prosopagnosia accademics without my even knowing about it...is that allowed? i am not sure....

hello dear readers
have been doing revision notes and its dull. am currently using jons computer as mine is still dead, although by the end of this week it should be up and running by the end of the week!
today has been leadership and change which is quite a chunky topic, and have read the journals for.
um, not much else to say...am getting there slowly - my meeting with the module conveynor went well which was good, i understand a few more things now which is handy.
really not much exciting to report - such is the excitement of my life

my computer at home has died an untimely death, and i am actually proud that i have not cried about it yet...i am praying that nothing has been lost, and will be gutted if everything has been lost - but its a crap time for it to go, as i need it for journal searches and stuff - especially as jonathan has just introduced to me google scholar which is brilliant!
well yesterday i had a very pleasant day with james and ella being in nottingham - it was nice to see them again - its been ages since i last saw them - just after their wedding in fact and so that was great. and the view from the castle was brilliant, and i think they enjoyed the ye olde trip!

friday i had a very nice time at the cloister meal - lots of yummy food from different countries...and thanks to anrikay (enrique) to organising it all!

and many a nasty and somewhat upsetting comments are being left on my blog at the moment. personal attacks from people who have actually met me and seen, but from people who havnt its just plain unfair and not nice

today might be a hard day today. i am sticking it out for the time being, and today i see my supervisor for the first time, and i have to tell her about how i feel (my disability officer has tild me to do that), and then after that I have a meeting with the disability officer to talk things over, and that is going to be hard and there may be a few tears involved in both meetings. this afternoon i am meeting up with katie and going to chapel and then having a pray together so that we can help each other. this should be good. but yeah its going to be hard, and so lads in cloister if i am moody tonight then i apologise now, but i will try my best not to be.

and could people on bens blog stop saying that we are destined to be together. apparently when we spend time together (bearing in mind i have spent time with ben about 4 times in my life), we are obviously an item. that person obviously doesnt know me... i generally find it easy to get on with all lads so easily (it helps having two older brothers), and i have 5 lads here that i get on with well too. and so all this speculation is stupid...

anyways have to get ready to get to campus for 9!

church today was good, but in a bad way. I got to church, and for some reason i was crying a bit on the way, but i tried to put on a happy face, but it didnt matter today, as katie was also sad, and we were sad together. we had a natter about our God issues, and work issues, and just how everything was generally sucky at the minute which was good, and I am meeting up with her on wednesday to see how we are which is nice. so i am feeling a bit eeked at the moment, may go and see the old disability rep again, and tell him all my worries, and my thoughts about leaving. its just sometimes i dont think that all this stress is worth it, but then i dont know what i would do instead if you know what i mean. anyways, we will see how the beginning of the week goes, and then will think about it again. havnt told my parents about this yet, am a bit too scared to, seeing they are helping me a little with paying for this course....oh man, will just have to battle in, only 5 1/2 months to go anyway, and it will probably go so quickly...and i have met some truly fab people and i dont want to look like a failure and a loser in front of them.

anyways, back to the old work, and try and achieve a bit of understanding!

so ive been pretty low this week, i have seen the return of the panic attacks, have found out all my exam dates which are very stressful, i have been thinking very seriously about giving up my course....and then to really top it off, someone comments on my blog that i am ugly. well, how to kick somebody when they are down. thanks a lot.

today ellie and i went through our modules going over the reading that we had done, and what we still have to do, and this afternoon, i have been filling in the gaps of the reading...but i have just had a panic attack, about getting everything done - as in revision notes and actual learning - i know that i have done it before, and will be able to do it again, will get tired and stressed doing it, but will be able to do it, but just thinking about the tasks ahead of me just seems insane at the moment, but i suppose that i do have to just keep on battling on. i have chosen which topics i am revising and which ones i have slacked off, and kindof have done a timetable for when the notes for them are to be done...which kindof gives me something to aim for i reckon, and then it will be proposal writing and revision. and i think i have a rest after the old exams - oh no, i will have an essay, and then straight into the old project - hurah! bring on august 31st.

actually, thinking about giving up is seeming to be a lovely option right now...really good.

ok, so for the last few days, i have been experiencing a bit of doom. the re-appearance of the panic attacks fucked me off greatly, and so i wasnt very happy. yesterday i had probably the worst revision session you could probably imagine, when i even said to the course conveynor that i felt like i knew nothing and it was awful and it has made me feel really panicked - i think she may have heard the panic in my voice, and the fact like i felt like i was going to cry. after this i went to student services as i had rung to say that i kindof really needed to see my advisor, and i got to her office and just cried, saying that i wanted to give up, that i was so stressed and that i wasnt coping and the support from my tutor was non-existant. i showed her the letter from my counsellor, and she was shocked that my tutor hasnt even emailed to see if i am ok, and i told her i was worried about the project and stuff, and she was ace. she has spoken to my department, which is good, and i just hope they are going to be there a bit more for me now.

and today, doom continued..we got our exam dates - may is officially the month of doom...revision basically has to start now, and its going to have to be selective revision and question spotting - thats what its all about...and so i freaked out about that - in fact as jonathan kindly said, my pancreas exploded over his wall! the other dooming thing was that i was supposed to be going on a date with someone tonight, but i got a text from him this meaning saying that he has started seeing someone else...bloody brilliant. well, dont really know what to say...it doesnt make me feel great, but hey, life goes on

anyways, so am going to go into revision note mood soon - i want to have them done over easter, so i can then just concentrate on revision and the remaining lectures afterwards.

prayers would be much appreciated, so that i dont actually explode from stress...seriuosly this is so much work - i know its a masters, but never thought that it would be this hectic and hardcore if you understand...its mega tough....interesting but tough... so yeah prayers from all you lovely people would help me...its all about positive love!

am annoyed with myself....last night i had my first panic attack since before my exams...and its all because i keep thinking that i am not doing enough work, and that i am scared about the next lot of exams, and i keep looking at the past exam questions, thinking that they are hard. oh dear. and i am a bit upset because it wasnt nice, and i feel foolish. well i am seeing student support today after my revision lecture - hopefully they can sort me out, or at least help my department give me the bloody support i need.
man i feel miserable. i am trying my hardest to the work that i need to do, but feel like i am getting no-where and it sux almighty.

today, i am working in my room in the morning, and on campus in the afternoon - the two mian reasons for the change of loaction - i get bored in my room if I am in it all day, and begin to go mad, and the walk to campus gets me out of the building and exercising, and this can help me lose some weight! so works well in my opinion.

well, we won the quiz on sunday - getting something for team name "is that a pint in Kev's pocket or is he just pleased to see me?", and winning the actual quiz which is very satisfying! thats two weeks in a row, and i think 6 times in total which os good - and five bottles of wine were given to us.

yesterday had lectures - i like the lecturer he is good and is quite interactive, but he is very sparse on giving key names, and then gives us a list as long as our arms of things to read - as if we have time to read them all...so that kindof worried me about the exam - kindof - is really - it worries me loads...
counselling was hard again yesterday, but good in a way. i was having really big rants about things, and i was asked if i was really angry about what was going on, but i am not, i am just upset about it, but as i dont like showing that i am upset, it comes out in anger, which was very interesting...so when i get angry it is usually because i am upset ok...

but i am angry about something in the department at the moment, but dont/cant really say much more...but it does just take away the whole "fairness" of certain methods of doing things which is annoying.

anyways, as promised here are some photos from pancake day:



me cooking pancakes, with a gin and tonic polly strength



i was glad when emily came in the correct theme for the night, so i didnt look like a prick

wohooo....essay is coming along which is good, there will be some cutting and pasting occurring, but its getting there, and sadly i am getting more and more interested in the topic as i get into the essay, and discovering more problems that makes me go oohhh!

but am pissed off with my housemates. there were three bags of rubbish in the kitchen today, one was leaking something and they were all in front of my cupboard....am i a bloody dustbin lady? i just dont understand why they dont take the rubbish out as soon as they remove the bag? thats what i do? is it too hard to ask??? so then i mopped the floor as well, as i dont want to die due to the amount of crap there is everywhere....its not f-ing fair. well at least my housemates shut the door when they go to the loo - thank goodness for small mercy hey jonathan? anyways, i just mumbled under my breath and swore a few times to get it out of my system.

play tonight, should be good, have heard good things about it, and so i have elevated expectations!

and i hate not having post on saturday here, it just annoys me, checking the post gives me something to do when i get up, but i am always robbed of that at the weekend!

anyways...back to the essay methinks

i am very disappointed in myself this week. I have never used the fact that i have depression to excuse my work being bad until this week, when i was so ashemed with the whole apathy i have for my work and project in particular that i just really couldnt bring myself together to write something at least half decent for my project outlines...so i emailed the disability officer to warn him, and hopefully my tutor should have got her letter from the counsellor, and next week i am seeing student support.

am trying now though - am doing research for the essay that I am going to start writing tomorrow, have just found three more articles that i am going to read tonight, and that should be enough...i dunno though its one of those essays that can cover many things....

anyways, tonight i am going to be in my room, doing essay plan, and sticking post-its on journals! oh what fun i have planned for my friday night!

last night was wine tasting - this morning, well for some of it was hangover of doom - a stupid amount of wine was drunk, it really was silly, but good coversation was had, lots of laughing was had by all, but this morning was a different story!

have been working on my war trauma reading today, i think that i am going to write the essay this weekend, well i have to because it is in soon, and so needs to be done. am going to work in the library tomorrow. have been in my room all day today, so need to get out. on saturday i am going to adrian's play - looks good.

anyways, not much else to say

seriously dont know what is wrong with my mood at the moment, its crazy. i was feeling fine when i left the lecture room, but on the walk home i just found myself crying - why? i just dont know - its bizarre and i dont like it one bit. am still in a mardy mood, i hope that wine tasting with the girlies will help that...am less anxious about something now for the time being anyways, my housemate has just helped me by saying to me "nobody is too good for you, you are too good for them", and i have been told that i have to remember that...we shall see.

anyways, my food is ready so am going to eat

have been in a right mardy mood, it started yesterday, and i thought that it would go after a nights sleep, but it hasnt. I had some vivid dreams that didnt make me happy, and i am still in a very mardy mood. am just going to go to sainsburys to get some grapes for the wine tasting tonight (the other girls are bringing cheese methinks), and i also have to give in my project outlines today, but what i havw written is a pile of poo. but i went to see the disability officer the other day, and told him stuff that has been on my mind, and my counsellor has sent a letter to my tutor too. so they are not kindof expecting a lot of stuff too.

otherwise - we won the quiz again on sunday that was good - both team name and the intelligent part which was quite rewarding.

but i heard some news on monday which has kindof upset me a bit, and worried me too, and i dont know what is going to happen now, and that has been on my mind, along with many an other stuff that was brought up in counselling, and just stuff that is happening in my life at the moment...i am very anxious at the moment - which is probably what is contributing to the mardy mood.

anyways, sainsburys is calling - will i get there before nine - doubt it

oh and photos of pancake party are very drunken and embarressing - so when blogger fully sorts itself out i will put them on!

oh and cloister lads - 20ps anyone - i need to do a clothes wash

note to self: next time i organise a party, make sure i dont have a nine o'clock the next day....

good night had by all....but the number of cans and bottles there are to recycle is silly!

will post more later