hello blog readers

this week has been incredibly up and down. have been given really horrible essays for my philosophy essay, and i found it so hard to find any journals to help me, but persistance pays off, and i have found some now, and i have been reading them all day. the module conveynor is not wanting to see me, so I have got student support on my case now.

yesterday was the Nottingham beer fest, i was going with the lads...and when in there, had a text from dan saying he was there with his mates. well i didnt know if he was on a lads night out or not, so i texted saying i was there too, and if he didnt want to see me then it was fine, but it turned out that he was like 5 metres behind me, and so we just chatted loads...occ psych girls also came, and dans mates were there too, so there was a big crowd of us...we went to a bar after the beer fest finished, and then we went to a club, but dan and i went to the club later cos we wanted to chat in the bar...but its all good really.

so other than that, have been working hard really. this philosophy essay is a mare but Jon has been ace and helping me with it, and just giving me a lot of confidence which is cool - he is a top man and i never thought that i would make a good friend so quickly - but i have.

take care everyone. ben keep on going mate, it will work out, and thanks to ed, luke, hannah, saide and mark who i hear have been very good at looking after him - thats such a relief off my mind, i feel bad that i cant do anything more proactive to help

WELL WE WERE DUE ANOTHER QUIZ WIN!!!
yep thats right, on sunday we went to the Grove for the quiz. We went in and it was a bit crowded, but luckily our table was reserved, with a big sign saying for last weeks winners on it! our team was slightly different to normal, we were adrian and debbie down which meant we were lacking in some areas. the arrival of dan didnt fill us with much hope bless him, unless a question about scotland was to come up, or about teaching...but nevertheless, we still one - this time a clear victory, coming three points higher then the second placed team. once again i was lucky enough to choose the key with the small bag of beer in it, but this week we were supposed to win a cuddly toy too. but there was no cuddly toy (i was gutted), and so he gave another crate of beer. Now i dont drink beer, so i got a bottle of wine...and next week i will be getting a cuddly toy. On the way back to ours (dan came back too, I didnt want him missing out on victory beer), i may have offended dan, saying that this was the highlight of my week....thursday was good too, a very close second...he accepted that! we went to flat two, and chatted and stuff. Dan had to go, and after i stayed and chatted with the lads, who behaved admirably infront of dan, was very happy bout that, and then went to bed.

I always thought monday would be bad when i was awoken my a fire alarm at before seven in the morning. i managed to sleep for another hour before getting up to go to my tutorial. the tutorial was good, but i stayed behind after to talk to my tutor about stuff - you can guess what stuff that was, and really had to bite my lip to stop myself from looking like a complete prick. she was really nice and really supportive and has offered to set some meetings up with people in topics that i dont really understand. i then went to the library and spent till 6 trying to research an essay but it was so unsuccessful it was silly..and on the way home i couldnt stop crying. the guys wanted to see me, but i wouldnt let them as i had big puffy eyes. i made my tea and my bro rang which was nice, and then watched uni challenge with the lads who were quite concerned, and then we chatted a bit, and i w.ent to bed early, prayed and cried

today, has been up and down again. have had some lectures, and received my coursework essays for anothet module, but these seem slightly more understandable at least which is always a bit of a start. but am trying to prepare some stuff for my seminar which is a bit crazy...am finding this philosophy lark a bit too taxking for my brain. andy very kindly cooked me my tea, and am waiting for dan to reply to my text...he might be in bed cos it is a school night after all!, and he is scottish - unreliable...and he is older, his memory might not be so good!

two posts in one day...just what is going on...well mass today really made me think loads about a lot of things. we sang today "in the Lord, I'll be ever thankful", which goes on to say, Look to God, do not be afraid; and as i was singing this, i thought why am i not doing this? i am afraid of so many things at the moment, and I have been neglecting the person who can help me with my troubles, who will always be there for me, and who i should not be afraid to tell all my worries to, because He will love me and care for me, and will be there for me when i need Him. and i just had this huge feeling that I should be praying more, and believing more, and just being more thankful in the Lord. And if I needed anymore convincing of this fact, then we later sang one of my favourite hymns "Turn to me", and there again, turn to be and be saved, there is no other, none beside me, i call your name. God will be there for me throughout all my troubles and trials. Sometimes I just feel that I may have been forgotton or neglected by some people, and it upsets me, because i dont know if I can turn to these people as much as i used to be able to, and i felt so lonely, and once again forgot that it is the Lord who i should be turning to when i need help, and security, and today, this was made clear to me in Mass, and i have been feeling quite low about the way that i have neglected some things in my faith recently, and believed that this has been a big wake up call for me.

anyways, that is what i wanted to say...

once again, its been an up and down few days. on friday night i had my first panic attack for a few days after i read the coursework questions for one of my modules...i then obviously wasnt in the mood for going out, i disappointed the lads, but i am sure that if they knew the real reason they would be really supportive. but they kept me informed as to how the night progressed, so much so i turned off my phone for the first time in ages.

yesterday i used jon and lees washing machine cos our one leaks, and then i did work. i went to the supermarket with andy and jon and i spent a stupid amount, but some of the things will last me for ages. i then was reading more, and the lads raided my room which was cool. Gareth was fascinated with the weirdest things! i chatted with them last night after i had read a journal as one of my key readings, but went to bed, as on sundays i have to be in the great hall at 1o for choir practice before mass.

anyways, hopefully things will get better, quiz tonight and we are hopefully having an honarary member joining the team, and tomorrow i have a tutorial, so i will be able to chat some things out with her.

hello dear blog readers

well in the last two days my mood has really been swinging up and down, and once again the lads have been there to support me, and i am beginning to wonder if i would have been able to get through these last few weeks without them, as they always allow me to see sense, and put a smile in my face, and each in their own individual ways make me feel better. jon uses his dead pan humour, gareth with his irish ways, and he always says "stop putting yourself down women, your great" (in an irish accent), andy, well he just makes me giggle, dave is like a big big brother figure, and adrian always has funny mannerisms that i love. i have been able to talk over a few situations that have happened this week, and they have given me things from a male perspective....i do tell them that if they ever want to do male bonding then tell me to go, but they are always happy to have me around

had a seminar today, it was really good, it was all about putting the theory into practice, and what we would do in certain situations, i really got a lot out of it...

and tonight, well i am doing something that I have not done in a long time, and thanks to the lads again for giving me support, and helping me decide what to wear (well jon anyways). will see how it goes

Well, we were due ANOTHER QUIZ WIN!!!!

yes, thats right, on sunday the cloister house lot made our way back to the Grove pub ( a damn fine pub i do have to say), to get ready for the quiz...we got our free round that we won last week, and then did the quiz this week. This week, we had to do the tie-break again, but we actually got the tie break this week too. Now in Nottingham its not just about winning the money/alcohol and thats it...oh no. they do a take your pick style thing where you get offered £20, or to pick a key. The guys let me pick the key, and i went to the boxes, and this week we won...25 cans of beer (a small bag they said), a free round of drinks next week, and the clincher...we get to choose where we sit too! so sunday night we were very happy.

Monday, came down with bang. at student support i was brutally honest with how i was feeling, about my anxiety and my depression, as i was told to take all masks off, and i was just being blunt about things which was so hard...kindof relieving but hard...and although i didnt cry in there, as soon as i got out, and entered the real world then it just really hit me as to what i had down, and then some crying started. i made my way to the jubilee campus where the occ psych books and journals are, and tried to do some work, but it was so hard to concentrate. one of the journals was a nice easy read, the other was a 62 page killer, and after that, i had just had enough. I made my way home, had a cry, did some reading from the text book that i have purchased, and then cooked tea (i have been told to eat properly and try and sleep more)...after tea i was just still feeling miserable, and although somebody was trying to cheer me up, it wasnt working - sorry. Anyways, the lads from downstairs texted me, university challenge, tea and biscuits - flat 2...and i was there. and they were so sweet...they are like my protective big brothers, and really cheered me up, and it was seriously just what i needed. we then watched with disgust the programme about women body builders (they would not let me work anymore). i went up to get an orange to find that i had been locked out of my flat, and when i got in, that our washing machine had leaked, and there was an inch of water on the floor - cathy is phoning broadgate park today! back down i went for Jack dee, but we just chatted through it, whilst laughing a gareth and his strange irish ways!

today, i have had two lectures, both extremely interesting i am very pleased to say, and had some good chats with my girls, and found out what i always thought, that male PGCE students, just like the power surge of wearing a suit and being called sir infact to quote "yeah i do get a kinda peverse surge of power from that...maybe ill be one of those anal teachers who insist on it all the time", i do worry about the future education of our children.

anyways, am feeling a little better than i did yesterday. i have chatted some things through with a variety of people, and have been told by gareth that i can talk to him about anything, bless him...but more importantly, he has the Fr Ted DVD box set - bring it on!

well
I cant remember what i said in my last post..but hey that doesnt really matter, i have a tendency to repeat myself. today has been really unproductive work wise, the journals that i wanted to read are not available on line, so i am going to have to find them in the library tomorrow, so i have been reading an e-book about the philosophy of science, which is interesting but also very confusing, and i think needs to be read with somebody else so that we can bounce off ideas to each other. but it has been productive in that i went to mass this week (went an hour early, as i have offered up my services to the music group), and i had a good pray which was nice.

on friday, i gave the english blokes in my building a shock...they saw me dressed up, and not in my baggy trousers, vest top, and my hair messily tied back in a pony-tail, and they were so shocked it was funny. i think the term jon used was "wow, you scrub up bloody well", and on msn today he said "you did look very pretty on friday, and that was the truth" which was nice. he and ellie are now going out, i feel like cilla! anyway, the reason i was dressed up on friday was because we were celebrating rachel and ollies engagement in town. dave very kindly gave me a lift in cos he didnt want me travelling in alone, and i met the occ psych people in the bar. we met with ollie, and then some of his mates who are all doing PGCE's - they were all very friendly, and it is true what fi later texted me - there were some very good looking men out that night!

yesterday i worked quite hard reading books and journals and making notes, and then i went to the pub with Lee, to meet Andy and his mates to watch the football - it was a disappointing game, and lee and i summed it up as a waste of one and a half hours. we got back to find the second fire alarm in the last few days, and gareth, lee, dave, adrian and in were playing how many people can you fit under a small umbrella - the answer not that many if you still want to remain reasonably dry. although i wanted an early night yesterday, i didnt think that when i put on my cd, it would send me straight to sleep - at 8:30! i was rudely awoken by my phone at 10:30 when it received a message and vibrated so much it fell off my desk - thanks dan - nice one, and its funny how you can detect a scottish accent in the words used in a text message!

anyways, its back to the nose in book now, pub quiz later, we have to see if we can maintain our winning streak at the Grove...and tomorrow is my meeting with student support, so i hope that goes ok

take care people

its a sad state of affairs, when a girl has to borrow a tea-towel from a bloke, and as Ellie told me today, I let the side down - i hang my head in shame, and i apologise. It all started last night when i got in late from a lecture debrief with ellie and fiona, and wanted to cook my fish for tea. I had no oven gloves, and neither did andy or jon, so whilst andy cleverly suggested just burn yourself, jon suggested a tea-towel, another thing which i dont have, but he seems to have plenty of, and he gave me one of his, which was very kind of him indeed, and meant that i could have my fish for tea. But andy redeemed himself by cooking apple pie and having cream and everything for us which was very yummy. i finished my first essay last night which was quite satisfying, well i have to put on the references but it is basically done. today i went to campus for my seminar to find out that it had been cancelled - why they dont pass on this information is beyond me! have set up ellie and jon, and they are on their date tonight so this is all very exciting! Jon is a good bloke, very funny, very clever. ellie is a good girl - very funny, very clever, so it just seemed to go. am learning about motivation at the moment, its quite good...its all about how people in the work-place can motivate their employers...

anyways, am quite worried about young ben at the moment, so can the exeter people look after him, and give him the love that he needs...and to anyone else i hope that things are going ok. i have been feeling a bit better - had a horrid lecture yesterday - it was teh curse of my second year again - the philosophy of psychology again...but it was ok i suppose, 3-5 is just a dozey time to have a lecture...oh well.

am still hanging in there you know. i have people here to support me when i am down, and they make me laugh which is nice, and i still know that i have other people scattered around various parts of the country too.

and one last thing, i just want to say congratulations to my course friend rachel, who has just gotton herself engaged! there is still good in the world!

Hello blog

well, lectures have finally started, i had my first two yesterday. One was a bit hmm, it was interesting, but the lecturer was bit poor, and basically just read the handout, and not providing much else which i thought was a bit poor, so i think that this module will be quite hard. the other lecture was very meaty and was very interesting which was good, and what i needed, something to get my teeth into, but in this module there is a bit of confusion as to how it is going to be assessed, so its all a bit confusing..never mind. anyway, after the lectures i felt a bit bummed out if i was being completely honest so ellie, fiona and i all had a coffee and chat and we have agreed to set up small learning groups where we share the reading, and can bounce ideas off each other and stuff which should be good once we get them going.

anyways, i made my way home, and the lads came up to see me, and saw that i was a bit bummed. jon later came on msn, and we had a good old chat over the computer, he was also admitting that he felt really daunted which was actually quite relaxing as all the lads seem so cool about their work - but now at least i know that some of its a front. anyways, i also felt comfortable enough to tell him about my depression which was cool, and he was really supportive, saying in fact "you have a degree, have been accepted on a masters, and have me in a building - what more can you want?". i really cant complain about them, they have been really nice, they leave messages on my door inviting me to the stuff that they do, on monday i was honoured enough to go and watch university challenge with them!

i think that my anti-depressants are heightening some aspects of my personality, like my paranoia, and anxiety about certain things..have read the side-affects and this is expected, so..but have increased the dose to what i should be taking now....and have been to student support to make an appointment and thats next week, and so have done all i can at the mo...

anyways, back to nose in books for me...have already done two hours this morning! insanity indeed!

well we were due a quiz win....

This weekend I have actually really been working, and today i have read a stupid amount of journals but its all good, it getting me back into the swing of working, especially as my lectures start tomorrow (and not today as i has first thought, and only having walked to campus did i really this was the case). Anyways, on saturday i was reasearching for my practice essay, and in the evening i was invited to the pub with the lads.

sunday i went to the Mass here in Nottingham, they have it in the great hall and it is really well attended. I have said that i will sing in the music group, so we will see how that goes. I felt that the readings yesterday really struck a chord with me...i got a lot out of it. I met the Cathsoc after, and the post-grad committee member is actually one of my lecturers!

When i got back in i did reading fo journals and stuff in the afternoon, and in the evening i went to do a pub quiz with the guys which was cool. we came joint first, but if jon had written one of my answers then we would have actually won, and we came second in the best name competition, although everyone else said that we got the loudest cheer! anyway, we have won a free round of drinks one day this week which is good.

today, i have been working really hard all day actually..i have been making notes and reading chapters from books on the essay topic i have chosen. i have been getting side-effects from the anti-ds still, and tomorrow i start the full dose, so we will see how that goes. lectures start tomorrow too, its a heavy day actually. and one day this week will sit down for a few hours and write this essay that i am reading for, and have actually planned now too. and i also made my appointment with student support today, so we will see how they turn out, and my tutor sent me a really nice email so thats all good too.

am holding on in there you know, i know that i have to do this, and i know that i want to do this, so i just have to be strong dont i? my africa team have all been praying for me which is so nice, nut prayers from any blog readers will be cool too. and i have some really nice people supporting me here too, and have just had a right giggle with my flat mates which is so nice.

Back on....

well, yesterday was a day of completely mixed emotions for me...it really was. In the night i had to tell my neighbour and her "live-in" boyfriend (breaking many rules) to stop arguing as i was trying to sleep! I then had to get up five hours later so that I could officially register at the uni! I did, and now i am an official student at Nottingham. I then went to register with the health centre, and as the loevly nurse was talking to me, it juts all came out...all my blocked up emotions of the week, just bubbled over...she was so nice about it...she was a Christian and said to me "Well, at least you have somebody extra special you can turn to dont you?". she took me right over to the doctor, and the doctor saw me, and he has put me back on the anti-d's, I am to take a smaller dose for the first few days, to let my body get used to them, and then I have to double the dose. so there we go, i did it...and it feels like a big relief just to have told a professional and admit to having a problem.

anyways, my course mates were really sweet, and saw that i had had a little tear, so were just making me laugh, especially when martin had put that he drank 50 units of alcohol a week on his doctors form, so he was offered alcohol counselling! anyways, we had the last of our compulsary talks for the week. I went to the post-grad event for the day, but nothing much happened, but two people from Cloisters were there, and so we came back together, and arranged a time to meet in the evening, and then some of the guys came up for a chat.

in the evening, Liz, Lee, Andy, Ocean (cool name!), Jonathon, David,and a foreign student who is a split image for George Michael made our way into town for the evening postgrad event. i met a few people and chatted at the bar, and then we were joined by the last few cloister lads Adrian and Gareth (yep surrounded by lads looking after me!). I met my coursemates there too, who loved the fact that i was with bout 7 blokes! we all then went to a differnt club and had quite a good time! chatted to Lee and Andy when we got in, they are cool.

so am back on the anti-ds, am having some side-effects today, but i remember these from the last time i was on them, so i know that it will go away soon. am researching for my practice essay - its only 1000 words, on anything we wanted withing occupational psychology - have emailed a title to my tutor so I hope she will like it and tell me its ok.

thats it for now

Good girl...

today I have been a good girl. We had the student union talk today giving us all the info about the PGSA and the SU, and all the support services that we have available to us. I had also just received a text from my brother which said "its just a case of being confident and asking for help when you need it", and so the two things went together, and after the talk I went to the student support table, and the lady was so nice to me. I was a bit of a nervous wreck, and eyes were glazing slightly, and she said they would do all they could to help me...so tomorrow when i have my timetable on campus with me I will be booking my time to see them...I am finally getting my arse in gear about this. Couldnt let it go on for much longer, oh and i will be signing up for the doctors too, so we will see how they can help me and what they suggest too.

i then went to the poster sale, and saw something that made me very happy. As some of you may know, in Africa some of my prayer cards went missing, and i was gutted - especially cos i lost footprints - well they had it on a poster..and so now i have that on my wall, and it will remind me of what i already know, but sometimes in times of stress have a tendency to forget.

apart from that have not got lost once yet, and i even managed to find the Sainsburys - only 15 minutes walk away - bonus! am doing a lot of walking, it must be doing some good.

spoke to my other brother on the phone yesterday, and he basically told me that there was no option to go home, and that i have all their support which was good, and that he had all confidence in me, and he knows that i work hard, and will not waste this opportunity..i just wish i had his confidence...
anyways, have to look and think positive..in a years time i will be looking back at this and wondering what it was all about huh?

Nottingham Uni so far...

well as most of you may know, I have decided in some foolish manner that i was to come back to uni and do a masters, and i thought that I had the sufficient intelligence to do so. Well...on sunday i arrived to nottingham to start this year long course, and at the moment, I feel that on this sunday i should do a u-turn and go back home, saving a lot of money, and maybe my sanity. We have been having our induction briefings so far, and althought these are quite helpful in some respects, at the same time, they are making me feel very scared about it all, and i am having the will i cope alarm bells ringing frantically in my head. I am in a student flat which is quite nice...there is one other english girl with me, the rest are internationals. My course freinds are also surrounded by internationals, so it is nice to meet up with them, and hear other english accents. Not that i have anything against internationals at all, its just nice to speak to English people some time. Anyways, on monday ten of the english people from my block went to the pub which was really cool, and then last night our department did us a team bonding night/evening really so that we can do our full compulsory amount of mingling before you actuallu go insane...

am very scared at the moment. I have had my first panic attacks in ages, and it wasnt particularly pleasant. and i have had a few more since, and in the induction today i was nearly in tears because i just feel so stupid and pathetic about this all. I kindof just want the course to start so i can get my teeth into something, but at the same time i am thinking shall i just escape now because it will save a lot of money... oh i really have to go to the doctors, go to the chaplains,my tutot, and people, can you really pray for me...I feel that maybe i havnt been spending as much time as i could be with God, and so this really is my time...

Just to say that I am in Nottingham safe and sound, have manged to get the internet going all on my own, have not got lost yet (amazing I know!), and althought i have been naughty and gone out alone at night, i have not been approached by anyone but before anyone gets scared, i will nt be making a habit of it!

will tell you more about Nottingham another entry, cos this one I wanted to say Happy birthday my dear Benjamin Arnold! I hope that your liver survives this year...Thank you for being such an awesome friend, it really does mean a lot to me, and I hope that yo have had a good day! You are a star and make me laugh so much....and i really love that...i can be happy or miserbale around you and you dont care! cheers for being there my lovely! and welcome to the world of being over 21, and long may you enjoy it!

The mistake that i have made today is....



...that i am supposed to be in my flat at Nottingham, and infact I am still at home cos I got the date wrong...good start hey?! and to all those who said that I was clever enough to do a masters....

never mind, the good people at Nottingham will have my key ready for me to collect tomorrow, and then maybe some of my new flat mates will be there to wlecome me, so i wont feel like a big loser!


never mind zosh...you'll get somewhere eventually

Cake Making!

I baked a cake today - and it was a proper cake with flour, sugar eggs, and butter and everything - it even has plums in it! my mum is wanting to dig into it now, cos the whole house smells of the yummyness (and yes that is a word) And why? i hear you all say - Its my nans 76th birthday today, and she deserves a lot of things, and so i have got het some lovely flowers and made her a cake, and I am going to go round to her house later this evening, and give her a huge hug (I always do this anyway), and treat her like the quenn she is. Anyone who knows me , knows how proud I am of my nan, and she is the woman that I aspire to be, so I just want to say STOLAT Babcia, and love you more than you will ever know (and thats a hell of a lot of love). My babcia is the person that I do miss the most when I am away. she doesnt know this, but she sent me a letter whilst I was in Africa, and it took ages to come, but it arrived on my birthday - and i was so happy that it came on this day that I just cried my eyes out. That was the best present that anyone could have given to me - it was ace. and what Andrew as best man said in his speech about the Babcia test is so true - all you prospect boyfriends had better watch out!

Am glad to see that Ben has turned the corner and is on the cheery road again...and Ben i dont have that Mr Right just yet, hes a bit of a bugger really, and am at a loss as to what to do!

happy birthday babcia! kocham ciebie mocno.

Listening to a cd tonight whilst packing my clothes for uni, some of the lyrics really struck me, and so i am going to write some of them on my blog:

"I caught the briefest glimpse, I havent seen it since, When you smile at me Where'd you smile from. From insecurity"

"Have you ever let someone in to unmask you"

"And I'm hoping the God can make good things of our lives His love survives the greatest struggles"

"I wrestle with eternal questions"

"I push you away from me. protect myself"

Now its not often when music of the secular nature really speaks out to me, usually I just put a cd on, and sing to the tune, and ignore the words. but today, I have really been listening to lyrics of things, not just my cd, but songs on the radio too. Now 90% of the time, they really are drivel, but sometimes you can get gems.

Like I do push so many people away just to protect myself, and thats a huge weakness of mine, and sometimes i dont let people in to protect myself, because if I drop my guard, or if there is someone i like I dont tell them, because i know that its going to end in a huge fall, so i put up another barrier so that i can protect myself, and this is why it is hard for me to find a person i can trust, or even think to build a strong relationship with, and why when i do like people it usually ends in nothing for fear takes over.

I put on a happy face so many times...so much so, that my mum really says she doesnt know me a lot of the time, because I am so used to doing it, and that I will find it really hard to find true happiness because i have so much going on inside that I keep to myself that it is taking over me.

So when I heard the lyrics about the un-masking, and the protection of myself, and the smile of insecurity - i really understand...i really do.

And to end this, I really do hope that God can make a good thing of my life, and over the past few months I can see that His love can get me through some struggles, and so I am going to take this stength and continue....

The Exeter Review

Well this last weekend I went to Exeter, as I needed to escape the parents, and I wanted to see some people that I hadnt seen since February, and others who I wanted to see before I go to Nottingham. So on Friday afternoon, I got to Victoria Greenline Coach Station, and caught my coach to Exeter..to be texted on the way down to go to Arena...So when Ben collected me from the coach station...we dumped my stuff there, and headed over to Eds (didnt even change clothes, do my hair or put on make up). At Eds I met Hannah, who i have never met before, Dave, who i have never met before, Luke who I have met before, and of course Ed. We all went to Arena, and had a good night.

On Saturday I met Monica and Neil, and with Ben and Mark also we went to Paignton zoo, where every animal had to have a rhyming food source to keep it alive! The zoo was good, and thanks to the escaped Picary I had a gorgeous Hippo Honeycomb ice-cream. We got back, and I made tea for people, and then via Beer Box we went to Eds, where crazy games began, including how many people we could fit on an arm-chair, making a human pyramid, and getting a haribo from the forhead to the mouth by just using face muscles. It was a very fun evening, I laughed a lot.

On Sunday, I had a mini lie in, and then Ben and I made our way to Sacred Heart, on the way bumping into Tessa which was so nice. The service was Ok, but the hymns were dreadful. I really like to praise God through music, but couldnt because I, and many other people in the church did not know the hymns at all. This was disappointing. ben and i got food, and then made our way back to his, where we looked at James and Ellas wedding photos he got at the wedding! We then went to Belmont - I have never been to Belmont before, but I really enjoyed it. As I said on the post below, I had really good me and God time, and was really deep in prayer which was really satisfying, and it made a few things clearer for me. Ben and I then did a damn good quiz

On Monday, in the morning I cooked some of the food for the evening, including the biscuit base for the angel delight cake. Ben and I then looked through the lonely hearts, to find partners for each other, and then we made our way to town to meet the lovely always smiling Tessa, and to see my favourite book in film form - Pride and Prejudice - it was a good film. Having been informed by Mark that Monica cant have milk (she wouldnt be able to have had my angel delight cake), we got some chocolate and corn flakes to make crsipy cake. Was making both said cakes when Ed came over, and to Bens disgust, Ed got to lick out the bowls. people then came round, and we all (well I think we all) had a very good night. I beat Luke at chubby bunnies - i didnt think I would, he started so well, and I laughed a lot with Hannah - I cant even remember what was funny, but we laughed so much. She is a lovely girl.

Tuesday I came back home...and then visited my friend from school Helen, who noticed the eye contact thing straight away, and told me off...and she told me that I had to get all my depression, insecurities etc sorted. She is very strict, but says the truth.

And now, well now i am packing all my stuff up. I am feeling sick with nerves, and am feeling sorry for Ben, and I dont like hearing that he is down like this, and some of it is my fault. I have other things eating away at me, but my blog is not the place for them to come out. oh, and I had to fill in a Tearfund questionnaire/debrief/feedback form which was hard...like there was questions like "Did your team leader give you support?", and I really dread to think about the rest of my team wrote for this. But I sent this, and my report back this morning.

so Exeter people, thanks so much for a lovely time, and all your attempts at calming my nerves and my inadequacies. and to all those who are there, loom out for Ben for me.

am trying to be more cheery, so that people can leave a comment on the blog - it started off well, but has kindof gone downhill a bit really hasnt it?

Hey blog

Will blog more about exeter soon...but I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who was there and looking after me these last few days. It was so nice to see you all again and catch up. I really needed to get away for a bit, and to forget about the things that have been bothering me and eating away at me over the last few months., and it really did work. I didnt think that I could fit so much into a three days! But, what Exeter did make clear to me was that i am still so insecure about so many things...i really noticed that i could not look anyone in the eye when i spoke to them, and that must really piss everyone off...and i felt so bad, and no matter how much i tried i just couldnt bring myself to do it. It made it clear that I still worry about my wieght and size too much and it also made it clear that I am not better, and that I can cover up all my problems much quicker then actually dealing with them head on which is what i should do, but dont do. and so, times when i had the opportunity to reflect on things (and one of the most important and special times for this was in the service at Belmont, during the talk about habakuk), I was praying really hard, and got quite emotional in what I was thinking and writing, and had some really good time with God, and I just thought and knew really that the best thing is for me to go back on the anti-depressants, and start up some counselling again. So i have to thank my trip down to Exeter for making that clearer for me.

But, yesterday - and i really must thank Hannah for this - I laughed like I have not laughed for a long time, and it was really good. thanks so much sweetheart.

Hey blog

right now i am feeling a bit shitty. I am excited about going to Exeter tomorrow to see people that I havnt seen in alomost 7 months, that will be fun...

but over the last few days I have been getting increasingly more scared about going to Nottingham and my masters. i know i want to do it, there is no doubting that - what gets me is the little voice i have in my head continually telling me "you're not good enough". I think its because its been a year since i have taken on study...and i have been reading a text book that we were told that we could read if we wanted to but we didnt really have to, and if you couldnt be bothered to then it really didnt matter (but hey, you all knew that i would read it), and some of it was really hard to understand...and i know that i will be different when we have lectures and seminars and whatnot and are taught these things, but you all know what i am like..forever worrying and panicing....its not helathy is it?

i think that i am going to have to go to the docs and ask about the old medication again...i really think that although its been 7 days off a year now, (and my the time i go to the docs it will be over a year), the last few months may have been a lot easier for me if I was on them, and stopped this stupid notion that i can do without them when basically i cant. This was proven to me on one evening of my holiday, when i just really couldnt be bothered to do anything, and i just lay on my bed and cried, and just felt totally useless, and just thought about how much i hated myself and how i am and who i am, and went thorugh a mental list of what i would change about me, and basically, it just seemed to be easier to say that a new me should be formed who would be better.

i would really appreciate some prayers at this time. When watching the news they had a report on the famine in Nigre, and i just felt so stupid to be complaining about my insecurities and totally minute problems, when they are literally starving to death - i felt sick. so can we pray for them too - really really pray that somehow something will happen to make their situation so much better.

but to all the exeter guys, see you soon, and i will try my best to be happy and smiling to see you all!

Whilst in my local library yesterday, i was in the Health and Psychology section, and I saw a book called "If I am so wonderful...then why am I still single?"

a question i ask myself everyday!

For a while now I have been feeling very down, and I haven’t had the chance to think why, what with hen-nights, dress fittings, weddings and debriefs. But this last week, I have had plenty an opportunity to think, and some of this has been very destructive, but why I feel like I do at the moment has become a lot clearer.

Before I went to Lesotho, the thing that I was praying about the most was that I hoped that my depression would not return, but unfortunately it did. I felt myself rejoining the downward slope that I had battled so hard to climb up, and I was so gutted. Now in Lesotho I had my good times and I had great times, but there were also very low times too, and it was so hard, as I felt like I had no-one to turn to, and I felt very alone. As you all know, a member of my team was sent home. Now this was not my decision, it was a joint decision by Tearfund and Scripture Union. But some of my team thought that it was me, and this was because of my role as team leader. The individual was being rude, laughing at the nationals when they were telling him that he was being culturally insensitive, and undermining me and insulting me wherever and whenever possible. This was so upsetting, and took away all my confidence. Now being team leader I was the key person for communication between the team and Scripture Union partners and Tearfund. So I had weekly meetings so I could be told where we were going right and wrong, occasions where we could be told off as a team, and many times when I felt like I had to apologize for the team actions, or an individuals actions. I was the person who had to pass on the information, and this constant responsibility of apologizing for things that weren’t my fault really did take its toll on me, and was taking so much away from my experience. Tearfund were worried about me and ringing me up so that I could have over the phone counseling, and just to tell me that they had a lot of faith in me (as I had thoughts about leaving myself). So the team thought that it was me sending the member home, and I got a lot of their anger, was being told that I was a failure, and that it was all my fault, and that if I had been a better team leader then this would not have happened. I do feel like a huge fat failure, I feel like I have failed the team, the member that was sent home, Scripture Union and Tearfund. I feel so guilty that I have failed all these people and this really does begin to hurt.

Some people have also been doubting the work and the success of the work that I did out there. Our work, we were told, despite having all the problems in the team was the best that a team has done out there. Our schools and committees excelled out there, from in most cases having no Scripture Union, to having two meetings a week, and from not reading the Bible, to be actively involved in choosing what Bible passages to study, and from being scared to pray, to praying out loud and with confidence. But people have just been saying that its only because I am white that these students wanted to impress us, and that it wont be continuing now. This really hurts. Does that really matter – the fact is, that these students in those 4 months were introduced to the works of God, and everything that He did for us, and the things that He still can do for us if we put all our trust in Him…now surely that’s the most important thing? These students knew that no matter what was going on in their private lives, we would come and see them two times a week, to encourage them, and pray with them, and be their friends. The fact that we had the chance to just sit and chat and pray with them is good enough for me, but the fact that my students who were too scared to talk to some other students before we came, but by the time we were leaving were running Scripture Union groups, dramatizing Bible verses, and praying with their friends was the important thing. And I really believe and pray that they will continue this. God was really working through us in the schools, and He would want this work to continue.

But the work that we did on the orphanages too…I really do believe that giving a kid 5 minutes of undivided attention is just something so special. The children there would not normally have had that, but we had time for them, we played with them, we drew with them, we pretended to be silly animals with them, we cuddled them, and we loved them. This is so much more that they previously had, and so for somebody to say that this was not worthwhile and that I didn’t make a difference hurts…especially when I still have little Jozefa in my head. He was 4, his mum is in a mental hospital, and I think his dad abandoned him because he had AIDS. He also has TB as his immune system is too weak, and when Save the Children could afford it he had steroids pumped into him. I love this child. Whenever I felt low I just thought of him, and his smile, and the way that he is living his life without even knowing that he is ill and the hard times that he has ahead. Jozefa kept me going, and on the last day he would not let me go. On having to leave all I heard from him was “No Nthabiseng, no. No go”. If somebody tells me that I could not have done anything worthwhile, I just think of Jozefa and the fact that I loved that child and he knew that somebody loved him.

But I was also scared about the relationships with you guys from home, and how much they have changed. I have met up with a lot of you already, but there are some people who I have contacted via various means, but have not heard anything from – people who I thought were close friends, and I can only think that I have hurt them in some way, or done something to upset them, and I am wracking my brain to think what. I know my contact in the months I was away was poor, but there was little means, and little time. I am scared that some people think that I didn’t miss them when I was away which is so wrong, as my bed was surrounded by pictures of friends and family to cheer me up when I was down, and the emails and texts that I could get when I was in South Africa and had signal had really encouraging, if undeserved messages in them, and it made my week/month to hear from you all, like you would not believe. I hope that people will still accept me, with faults and all. I am scared as I have missed a lot of peoples changes in the last four months that they will not like me, or I will be forgotten and this fear upsets me and plays on my mind.

Sorry this is such a long entry. I just had so much on my chest, that it was slowly driving me crazy, and these are just a few of the things that are getting me down, not to think of culture shocks, and uni plans…….

Bingo!
Right - I know Peter and Dav are sideways, but there is a picture of the happy couple, and they really and truly do look lovely (dont know how to rotate!)






Me, Harriet and Alex proudly displaying our bouquets at the reception










Harriet, me and Alex waiting for Peter and Davina to come out of the church

Am feeling very crap at the moment, but strangely am not in the mood to write about it, as there are so many things making me feel down.

Just want to see if this works

Thats me and the other two bridesmaids (harriet in the middle, and Alex - Davina's sisiter on the right)

The wedding of Peter and Davina Bajorek

Staurday 6th August 2005, saw my second wedding in eight days. This wedding was that of my brother Peter, and his fiance Davina (Dav). We went up on the friday as its a long drive up to the small yorkshire dale village of Muker where Davina grew up, and where the marriage was going to take place in the local parish church. Peter wanted the marriage to be recognised by the Catholic church, and so had done all the necessities for that already. On the Friday they had the practice run...and then we had a whole fanily get together - it was so nice - my mums sisters, husbands and children all came up too, and we had an evening together.

On saturday morning Peter was so relaxed it was really good to see. We had our breakfast in a B&B, and then we went for a walk in the Dales, with Peter stopping every few minutes wth flahes of inspiration as to what to say in his speech. We had to cut the walk short, as my mum and I had to make our way to Davinas as I had to have my hair done, and so bridesmaid things, and my mum had to help sort out the cake that we had brought from London with us. When I arrived Davina was also very calm....seriously in the last 8 days I have not witnessed any of the wedding day jitters I hear so many people talk about. We gace Davina her presents - consisiting of champagne, chocolates, strawberries, cream, flip-flo[s, sarrong and pamper productsand then we had a champagne toast and the the hairdresser started on our hair. It was quite Pride and Prejudice styled - it was curled, and then pinned to the sides, and then had some flowers put into it - all us bridesmaids looked the same.

Now Muker only has about 30 houses in it, and Davina lives next door to the church, and so we were watching all the guests arrived, and then I got a glimpse of Peter walking into the church - and I wa proud to be called his sister - he look so good and smart. We then put on our dresses, and helped davina with hers - she looked truly stunning, and then had our photos.

The church service was just lovely...it brought a tear to my eye. I could not believe that that was my brother getting married, I had this really strange feeling in my stomach. They had the tradiational 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 reading (at least I will have a happy memory for this reading now - I usually assosciate it with my babcias funeral, as that is what was read then), and they also had a traditional blessing read whoch made me teary a bit - as it was just beautiful. The vows were said, and that was it they were married.

Then there was the reception. This was done in the village hall just next door to the church. All the guests mingled outside (this is where Harriet, Alex and I played a role as bridesmaids in the mingling), while some photos were taken, and bubbly was handed out, then we had the line-up, and then the reception. Andrew (my oldest brother and Best-Man) did an amazing job in welcoming them in, and looking after them. After every course I did my mingling, making sure people were happy and ok and so forth...and everytime i went to a different table, people kept n offereing me a drink - at one point I had five drinks scattered around the room. the second time I mingled I made sure i had a drink in hand so that didnt happen anymore!

The speeches came next. Mr Hepworth did a very good speech, and I think my brother was happy with what was said. Then came Peters speech - i was so proud of him. peter is usually so shy, and i was so worried with how his speech woucome out, but it was great. Basically, he ran on the theme that people had said he had made a good choice with davina, but to him it was not a choice, but it was something that was just natural to the both of them, and that he never thought that he could be so in love with someone - seriosly made me blubber - and his speech finished with a toast to the bridesmaids (of which a lot of people had mentioned how they had heard a lot of singing coming from that side of the church...guess who that was?!) Andrews speech as Best Man was also soooooo good. It was just so Andrew and Peter, and mentioned family things like the Babcia test (the test that any partner of a grand-child has to go through) - and this really got me, as at this point we were reminded to think of her and my grandad as she was not able to make it to the wedding - this raelly got me, and I blubbered big time. A big toast to the happy couple was made, and more mingling ensued, but this time I was getting hugged due to the tears, by friends of Peter and Davina, and family.

We then had a barn-dance - now all who were at James and Ella's wedding will know how much i enjoyed myself there, so this week was no different, but dancing in my bridesmaid dress was much harder, the drapes at the back kept on getting caught, but it was great fun, and I kept on losing my shoes, as in the times when we had to make baskets, this week I was lifted from the floor, and then I had one very bouncy partner who insisted on twirling me around at the end of every dance - shoes flying in all directions - co-incidently - if i had money for every time I had, Zosia you look beautiful, or Zosia you look stunning, if only i didnt have a girlfriend - i would be one very rich lady.

After the barn dance was the disco - to which when the invites were sent out all guests were told to reply with two disco tunes to get ultinate dancibility! It was the bridesmaid jobs to get more then 5 people on the dance floor, which was fine, as we made up three of the five, and the ushers (Guy and Stef - Peters friends from school and uni) made up the other two. Now i had rashly made a bet with davinas friend Ed that I would beat him as what is known in the Dales as Bastard dancing, and so some amazing dance floor treats were seen. And i was level pegging with Ed, until Alex (davinas sister) and I found the steps to the stage, and I was all round victor. Peter and Davina left at 12, and on their way into the cab, Davina through her bouquet, and somehow - i really dont remember how - its all a blur and happened so quickly, it ended up in my hands! the disco continued without them, and Alex and I were on stage surrounded by the male freinds of Davina and peter when the full monty track played (oh we were very embarressed when reminded about this on sunday morning), and soon the end of the night came, and back to the B&B we went.

So i now have one married brother - it is very strange. Very strange. But he is so happy, and so is Davina, and that is just what is so important. I really pray that they stay this happy together, and that God is with them through the highs and the lows

And for me, 2 weddings attended, 2 bouquets caught - 1 major problem with the getting married part - the story of my life really isnt it.....

oh - and the vicar got my brothers name very wrong during the service - it was so funny even though "I have been practising it all week"...davina didnt mind, as she said that it made her attempt sound better. God really must help the priest at my wedding then!

ps - this colour is the most similar i could find to the colour of the bridesmaid dress that i was wearing

The Wedding of the Preeces

Well the weekend just gone saw my first wedding of the 8 days, and this was the wedding of James and Ella, two very good friends of mine. I went up to Hull last thursday as I was going to Ellas Hen-night - a very nice meal in a reastaurant followed by a drink in the pub, and when arriving back to halls, I joined the stag night on their return.

Saturday was the wedding. We were all up for breahfast and then went to sit on the landing for a long time - James was very very calm. It took me quite a while to get readyhair and make-up taking the longest, and then we went to the church - James was there an hour and a half early. Norris and I did a bit of clothing swapping - He had my hat, scarf and shoes, i had his tie and jacket and shoes - oh it was a stunning display. The service itself was a lovely affair...Fr Pat is an interesting character, cracking jokes left right and centre, but it was a lovely service - good choice of readings and hymns! The reception was lovely too...the meal was gorgeous, and I had great company on my table - we laughed a LOT! James and Ella cut the cake, and then there were the speeches. Ella's dad did a great speech, James didnt have one prepared but it was still good, and Marks speech was very funny...and the Polish brigade did STOLAT it which was great. The barn dance (well it was a caleigh - spelt as its said not as it should be spelt), was amazing! all but one dance danced by the zosh, and the Exeter boys are surprisingly good on their feet! well done Ben, Norris, Mark and Dan on your dancing (Dan i thought your Polka was particularly good)...and well then it was the bouquet - no-one caught it exactly as Ella threw it with sime gusto that it landed behind us on the floor - but i charged and reached it, and very guiltily swept it from under the nose of a five year old..feeling very guilty I went back to offer it to her, but she said in a Northern accent (having the Northern accent in the back of your mind is important for this) "No, its ok, I dont want to get married anyway"....well I do, so I kept it!

Sunday, we went to Church, and then the few that were staying went to james and Ella's house, and while they were at a meal, we stocked up their fridge with food, and made a fort in their front room with cushions and throws.

Monday we went to Whitbty, and Tuesday I came home

Thank you both for a lovely 5 days...and Good Luck for the future

The Lesotho Debrief

Yesterday was a trip to the Tearfund office in Teddington to be debriefed about my time in Africa...two of the team members Greg and Hannah didnt turn up. Now it was lovely seeing the team again, it really was, and i cant really comment much on what was said as it is confidential, but it brought up a lot of issues that I did not want to talk about but i was forced into talking about it, and it is still very upsetting for me...i hadnt really thought about it that much, as i hadnt had much time to, but when i was being asled all these detailed questions it juts took me back in time to when i was feeling my crappest, and being told thatI was useless and a failure, that I was a crap team-leader, that I was crap at my responsibilites, and had all my confidnec swipped out of me. It just made me feel like if I was better at what i was doing, or if I had acted differently. or if I had been - oh i just dont know anymore, then we would not have had all the problems in the team that we did, and Greg would not have been sent home. It just makes me feel like a failure really. When I was talking I just didnt know what to say, and i was going over and over things in my mind again, and its not heakthy at all. I was just so fed up of constantly having to apologise for bad behaviour that wasnt mine behaviour, and so sick of hearing complaints about a team member that wasnt me, and being told that I had to try an control him, when he was just completely undermining me. I just didnt know what to do, and I did the best thing that I thought that I coulkd at the time, but blatently, it wasnt the best thig...and i am just well useless. So that was so hard yesterday, and to be honest I still cant get it fully out of my mind I really cant. Its driving me a bit crazy, just going over what could have beens, and what should have beens...and just continually re-analysing it. So i reckon what was probably supposed to be something to make you feel better about the trip, ahd just made me feel quite crap again, and I hate feeling like this

The Next Wedding

Well tomorrow we head to the Yorkshire Dales for a town called Muker (pronounced Mewker) for the wedding of my Brother Peter, and his Fiance Davina. It is so strange that my brother is getting married - very strange, but lovely all the same. Unfortunately my babcia isnt going, as she is a bit poorly and has to look after my dziadzio (paryers for both of them are always welcome), and my brother is doing lots of last minute things - men! My bridesmaid dress is ready - i havnt seen the finished article yet, and my outfit for James and Ellas wedding is going to be worn by my cousin who found it hard to find an outfit for this wedding (well it took me ages to find mine - so i happily lent it to her). So can we pray for Peter and Dav this weekend that the wedding goes well, and that they have a lovely future together....

packing....
you would have thought that i would be amazing at this seeing I had to do it so many times in Africa when we were doing trpis to other parts of the Lesotho, and since being back I have spent days at various other locations - but i always find it such a terrible task. I know that i can live in 4 pairs of trousers for four months, so it is for reasons beyond my knowledge that I feel that three pairs of trousers and two skirts, and my wedding outfit, and various other tops wont get me through my few days in Hull. really zosia its very silly. but i cant do without my hair-straightners and hair-dryer, and then there are also some silly pressies in there for some of you....
but hate packing lots, always feel like i have forgotton something...wedding presents are packed - thats important...and hat, well that just has to be carried, along woth sleeping bag and train food!

oh wordy word

just to say...

..that i am so glad that i got the herbal sleeping tablets because for the first time in an absolute age I managed a decent nights sleep...am still tired as i have loads of lost sleep to catch up on, but i slept last night, and the world is a jolly place again (well the last bit may not be completely true but hey)

I feel like....
....my feet never touch the ground for five minutes at the moment...i am always so busy its untrue, and i am so tired as I cant sleep ever, and oh its just a bit too much of an oh.
so this weekend was the hen weekend...i would recommend paint-balling for anyone who enjoys getting very big bruises and lumps on various parts of their body. It is so painful its untrue, I was lucky as i am a whimp, and when my team talked tactics (too many men full of testosterone - oh yeah both Dav and Peter had members of the opposite sex on their hen/stag dos), my tactic was literally hide behind a tree as going infront of people with these guns was painful - i would be very crap in an army situation for sure.
the assault course was more to my taste - it was very hard but very fun, it was all about working together as a team, and it was really good, although the crawling under tunnels have left me with bruised and battered knees...sob sob, i hope that they go down soon.
then off to a campsite to shower and cahnge, and then into Richmond for a night on the very very very small yorkshire dale town. We went to an Indian restaurant (mrs Hepworth kindly paid for my meal), where i found out that one of Davs work colleagues was an exeter graduate at the same time i was - we get everywhere - i met one in Lesotho too! After this and when all the adults including granny has left we went to a club called the Fleece, and danced the night away. Luckily it was only Dav who we eventuall made do the scavenger hunt, and i didnt really want to tell my brother how well she did! It was a good night, and Harriet was planner extraordinaire, even gave us oarty bags with rather rude things in!
then we taxis it back to the barn where we had more wine and food, and danced on the benches, as Ed would put it "bastrad dancing", and at 3:30 a walk on one of the hills in the dales was suggested and so the ones who had not gone to bed went, and got very stung by stinging nettles on the way. by 5 i was eventually in bed, and at 10:30 i was having a bridesmaid dress ftting, where i was told i looked too brown 9my tan has faded loads too), and Rebecca the dress maker managed to exclaim (even your feet are brown). back to Richmond we went for a greasy lunch, and then everyone went home, aart from me, I went back to the Hepworths I had another dress fitting yesterday and finally arrived home yesterday evening - Peter kindly waited for me after work, and collected me from Kings cross station!
Today I have been shopping for the weddings, for shoes and bags (i have horrid shoes for Peter and Davs wedding, so got very pretty ones for the reception), shoes for James and Ellas wedding, my pashmina/scarf thing, and wrapping paper for the pressies. I also got Peter and Dav their present - i got off the list...
but only one more day here then I am off to Hull...i am so tired. I am not sleeping at all and its getting me really down, and so i have got some sleeping herbal stuff, so that I can at least try and get a good nights sleep. am tryin to find out how we get to the accomodation we at from Hull station - this will be fun, my sense of direction s not to be desired.

i just dont know whether i am coing or going at the moment. I still havnt had a chnace to finish my Lesotho diary, and to think about what has happened to me over the last five months - and a lot has happened, and i really need to think about it all, and see what was nd wasnt my fault, and what i have to do, and how i have to keep some things, and chnage others....and i havnt even strated to think about ym masters degree that i will be starting soon either.

i wish that i could just sleep one night and then maybe things may start to get better for me, and then hopefully, i will be able to put things into perspective

I am quite scared...

...and i think justifiably...on saturday i have a hen night, for Dav (Peter - my brothers fiance), and i knew that we were going to be paint-balling,and doing an army assault course (this is an assault on my bank-balance!), but i didnt know about this until five minutes ago when I innocently checked my email:

SCAVENGER HUNT

Drink a shot with each colour of the rainbow

Blag a free drink from the barman

Kiss a man’s bald spot and leave lipstick marks

Obtain a pair of boxer shorts

Get a photo of you behind the bar

Find the guy with the weirdest thing in his pocket

Get a guy to serenade you

Get five men’s business cards

Get a photo of you with a redheaded guy

Request Agadoo from the DJ

Dance with a married man

Have a guy give you a picture of his girlfriend

Get a guy to give you a piggy back

I did a find the lost sheep on camp in Lesotho, but that was more like finding a fisherman, or a nun, or a baby, or a taxi man....this however is a bit more daunting, and I am quite scared! oh well...am going to buy some hen night stuff tomorrow then, Alex (Dav's sister) has got some stuff, and makes me feel quite bad that I havnt!

hmm....am finding England quite strange...like when i went to the pub the other night (complete light-weight now, one glass of wine and I am gone), i felt guilty about having a drink, and I know thats more me then it is England, but our culture is a lot more lets meet and have a drink, rather then lets just meet which is what it was in Lesotho. and i know that maybe i should not do the endless comparisons, but hey its all I can think about. I miss all the small little things, like just having people call me Ausi Nthabiseng, and giving Rarisen and Khotatso a cuddle, and seeing little baby Josefa, who if i could have taken, would be right here with me now. I just feel guilty about giving myself a pamper, i managed 4 and a bit months wothout it, so why do i change now. Obviously there are things that I do enjoy again, like having instant contact with people (have had some very good chats with people), and seeing my nan, and having the freedom to drive, but then I miss the tranquility I did have in the evenings (when i wasnt worrying myself stupidly about whether people will still like me at home, and whether people will accept me back), and just the huge amount of time that I spent with God out there, and having 4 other girls in the room to pray with when i needed it. That is a huge change, and I really miss that fellowship that we built with each other, that was amazing.

oh well...
what started off as an Im scared about the hen-night post, as I am cos I am nto used to doing things like this anymore, and I just cant take drink, has turned into something very deep - obviuosly, a lot needed to come out, and there is still a lot more in there.

finding a wedding outfit...

...is not as simple as you would think. There are lots of nice clothes on the market at the moment, dont get me wrong, but they are all very casual - tops you would wear with jeans to a pub kindof outfit, not going to a wedding kindof outfit, and when you want to look nice but smartish also, its very hard to find something suitable. Well I have fiunally gotton myself a dress from Monsoon - iys not a ball dress dont worry, its kindof a nice summer dress, with 60's stylee purple flowers on it - it looks much nicer then i have just described it...and i also got a hat to go with it - that was my mums doing - try it on she kept on saying, and i kept on resisiteing saying that I look awful in hats, but then i put it on, and it looked ok, and so she basically forced me into buying a hat! just have to get a shawl/pashmina type thing to match it now, for when it gets cool in the evening/or if its a cooler day, and to cover up my shoulders in the church (dress is a halter neck)...oh yeah and bags and shoes...

was also warned by my brothers fiance that when I have my dress fitted for their wedding, i MUST wear the underwear that I will be wearing on the day, so teh dress can be fitted around it...which meant more shopping!

but my outfit for James and Ella's wedding has my nans approval (she has good taste has my nan), and so I am happy!

hello blog!

I am back! yep over four months have passed, and i am back....

i should however start my post like this - Lumellah Ntate - o pela jhuane? Ke pela hankley, kealeboha, buena o pela juan? oh sharp!

you see, learnt a bit of sesotho whilst in the old Africa - well you would have hoped so after living there for four months

well most of the people who read this are on my email list and so you kind0f know a lot of what i have been up to in the last few months...its gone so quickly and i have been able to experience so much its stupid...it had its ups and downs, and unfortunately my depression came back with a big fat fist in the face. i was so low at one point, i really did just feel like giving up and coming back home...i was just being undermined and it attacked my confidence...i felt so useless, i felt worthless and just felt like everything was going wrong...i felt like that no matter how hard i tried nothing seemed to be going right, and i felt that i had let everyone down...it was horrid. but then as someone told me, God knows our limits, and he manged to change the situation for me, and the person that made me feel like this was sent home from the mission, and the whole team turned around completely...we fully relied on God and put our trust in Him, and the work that we achieved was just amazing, and the team just got on amazingly well, and when it came to leaving, we just didnt want to. an we all cried a ridiculous amount!

I will talk about some of the things that we did on various other blogs i just wanted to get my initial impressions of things since getting back down. Well, I am very worried that i wont fit into friendship groups that I left behind again...a lot can and probably has happened in four months of which I have not been a part, and I feel that people have grown closer together, and i am very out of this. I also hope that people will accept the changes that have happened in me...i have changed, i have had to, adapting is so important, and i think that I have changed in a good way, and i just hope that people accept that. I hope that people are not disappointed with the fact that my depression has come back...i really didnt want it to happen - its not as bad as it was before i went to Africa, or how it was when i was in Africa, but its still here, there is still so much i dislike about myself, and i find it so hard to find anything positive about myself its untrue, and i really do feel like a failure.... Africa is just an amazing country...it may not be econmically rich, but it is so rich in culture, and love that its just amzing - we westerners have so much to learn from these people. they give everything that they have to give, unlike us take take people, they are so welcoming, so loving and so friendly. they make time for people and things, its not all here and now. and these are things that are so important. I have seen some really horrible sights, and its really upset me on a few occassions, sometimes I really dont understand why these things can happen, i have heard some horrid stories about how some children have been treated, and i have smelt some revolting conditions which people have to live, but thats the thing, these people do live, and they make the best out of it. But what was really amzing is the richness in their faith...they have so much trust and faith in God over everything..some of it is very charismatic which scared me a bit as I have never reallyu experieneced things like that, but the faith that people had was truly inspiring.

as i have said, i have so much stuff buzzing about in my head, its very hard to work out what is important and what isnt...

i just want to thank God for an amzing four months that I am always going to have in my memories...i learnt so much, and i have so much to be thankful for, and i hope that i dont bore people with my endless stories and tales that i have. i really hope that people accept me back, and trust in me still...i really hope that people i thought of as my friends are still there for me, and will get me through the highs and lows i am already experiencing on my return. I also thank my 7 other team mates for making the mission the amazing time it was. really without the lows that we had, we woud not have expeienced the most amzing high that we did as a team, to show the true potential and love that we have for each other....i love you all!

oh oh oh de Lesotho....

rapella hankle

Nthabiseng (will make you happy...my Sesotho name)

so long dear blog and blog readers...

ok my blog may be a bit queit for the enxt four months, as as you have read i am off to Afrcia now....so i may not gte to update it for a while...but never mind! i will attempt to keep in touch i other ways! so long everyone...good luck to everyone in their final years, and good luck to everyone else in general...may you all have a good easter and term, and stuff and take care


lots of love to you all my dears...m,ay God bw with you all, and pray for me in Africa so that i can get through this wonderful experience!

zosh
xxxxx

this was meant to be written yesterday...

....but yesterday was very hectic, so its a day late...BUT its been five months and one day since i have taken any medictaion for my depression! and do you know what...in those last few months there have been many many many mnay many many many many many many many many many many things that could have got me back onto them, but i have decided against them, and to tackle the problem head on, and at the moment im dead chuffed.

well...one thing is still stopping me being extremely chuffed, and if that person is reading this, then i hope that they have taken note of my blog a few posts ago, cos i want it sorted before i go away to africa, and thats only one week now...

and we (well Cathy from my team!) is getting Lesotho shirst printed for us - how mega is that (i think that i am far more excited about that then i should in fact be!)

hmmm - i was just proud of myself for once, and its not that often when i am happy with me for something that I have done, but i am today, and i wanted to blog it, so others can share that with me...and for people who lived with me this time last year will know that I was truly in a bit of a state, well they can now see that i am taking it slowly, but have taken those promising first few steps.....

mega exciting!

today, i went into my emails, just thinking i would have nothing - but i have received the most amazing email, giving details of the work that I will be doing in Africa - and its mega mazing....we have an orientation week, of which one evening in an introduction to regional music with DJ Waza! - i mean how fab!...we have an intorduction evening where we get a new name (as if i need another name - but we get a Sesotho name), we get a guided tour of Maseru (the capital of Lesotho where SU is based, and where we will be camped for a lot of our trip), we get a traditional Basotho meal, we get to learn some Sesotho (could be useful), to visit the churches we will be going to and training anf debriefing, and meeting the SU staff and a lot of training! All in one week!

in march have an introduction with the school we will be wrking at, day visits to places, we have easter, and a drama workshop.

April is a lot of school works , but we have free time too (and the girls last year said school work was in the mornign, and so you can do orphangae work in the afternoon).

In May there is school work, and cell group work, and then training days, and two days holiday (saturdays are always free for us to do what we want)

June just sounds fab - we have a village experience for a week, camp preparation, and we get to inspect the campsite, we then get our weeks holiday, we then have a conferenceand at the end of the month, we have the School camp.

Then July, we have the holiday bible club, farewell, and then we are back home....

so thats a brief thing of what we are doing, and how cool does it sound...am very excited, but very nervous too...it all looks good, but i am scared that i wont be as good as I could be...or as good as people think that I should be...i suppose i am just a bit anxious about it all, but it looks like we are well cared for, and the fact that they have it planned for us, just shows how much they care, and for what i should be truly thankful for i suppose....

anyways, just thought that I should share that all with you, cos i have been banging on about my Africa trip for some time, and i thought that I should tell you a bit about what i will be doig out there, and now i hav emy timetable, what better time is there for that!

love you all
zosh
x

Good news!

Well first things first...on sunday i went to dinner in london with Liz (Andrew's girlfriend), and Dav (Peter's fiance), cos we only get to see each other when my two brothers are also there, and so we decided that we should have a girlie evening...and Dav has been collecting these vouchers where we could get a meal out in London at a very reduced price. So on Sunday to Victoria i went to meet Dav and Liz, and we went to a lovely restaurant, which served traditional English food, and the drinks that you could get were mainly Traditional ciders - it was goooood. my meal without the vouchers should have been £14 without alcohol, my meal with alcohol was £7! bonus! a good evening was had by all, apart from the scary train ride home due to scary drunk men on a sunday night, but i just stare them out...have got used to drunk people on trains when i came home from work late, but this was a different route i was taking.....


anyways, my really good news is - and i kindof hinted it a few days ago, but i have now got the official confirmation letter is that i have been accepted to do my post-grad. I have kept this a bit quiet on my blog for fear i would not get it, and then have egg on my face...but Nottingham University have accepted me to do their MSc in Occupational Psychology! and they rejected me for my original degree, so to get in now is just fab - i didnt even have to have an interview or anything! so it is all very exciting, and a big wieght off my mind to find out before i go to Africa...

ah...Africa...i think that I have sent most of you my address now...if i havnt then tell me and I will send it to you, as i would truly love post when i am out there...and if anyone has any good photos of me and them, or of any Cathsoc events, or of any of my recent trips down could they email me them, so i can print them off and take them...

finally i found this the other day on a notebook, so i am using that notebook as my diary for Africa - "be the change you want to see in the world" (ghandi)...how lovely is that?

Its snowing!

its snowing and its very exciting as it seems to be settling too! i am very excited!

had some very funny text messages last night..."ps - i am very intoxicated" but i had to stop texting for fear i may have my phone stolen as was on a train home from London, with a scary man sittign near me....

but its snowing and is very exciting...

will tell more of why i went to london later on....

i have to watch the snow...

i love snow

exciting...

i feel that i should say a few thank yous to everyone who kindly looked after me, and met up with me on my last hectic visit to Exeter. Tessa and Rachel, thanks for a lovely thursday morning...you both have lovely houses (very clean, I was very impressed), and i had a lovely time catching up with your news, and just having a chat in general - and Tessa - you are a great spotter to have around (i think you might know about who i am talking about here - what a lovely view that was!!!) To Amy and Ali, thanks for a lovely saturday lunch and chat - it was like the first and second year all over again - the trio re-united...it was just fab seeing you again, and for you both to be so happy, just makes me happy. And Amy it was wicked seeing you again my love, miss you tonnes, and it makes me so happy that you are still happy, and have the things that you want. To Kat and Claire...wow it was ages since i last saw you guys, but it was great to see you - just as chirpy and as funny and as lovely as i remember - good luck girlies...To Ed and hid housemate Hannah (who i had met before, and looked after in my Freshers Week - i made her a bed out of shower curtains!!!), thanks for a lovely saturday night, and Ed thanks for the meal, it was very yummy. To Lisa - i always have a bed to lay my weary head on! To the Chaplaincy for sponsoring me - wow thanks guys thats a lot of help, and thanks for putting up with my singing once again...will miss that place. To James, Ella, Mark, the Ben' s and Norris - well guys thanks as always for making me laugh and feel welcome, and providing a house so close to shops, and the chaplaincy, and a house that is generally great to bum in! you're all so lovely and just thanks guys....and to anyone who i forgot i am sorry...but i just love it down there, and i am always made to feel so welcome. I will miss you all, and will forward my address soon, so when i am feeling lonely under the African skies, I hope that I will have your letters to cheer me up, and remind me of home.

and ben - the les mis was a lovely surprise and cheered me up no end - continue going to seminars - its all good in the end.

well i have had some exciting news, but i am going to wait for the official confirmation before i blog what it is cos i dont want to tempt fate - but it is very exciting and I am very happy about it...and as soon as i get confirmation than i will tell you what it is...

the other day my bros took me out for a goodbye meal in London without the parents so that we could have a good sibling chat. it was a really good evening, and I will miss my brothers so much when i go. And tonight I am going to dinner with their girlfriends - so that should be quite interesting...

and i went to my nans yesterday and what she said was like music to my ears "Zosia, I think that you have lost weight - you are looking thinner!" - hurrah! thats what i like to hear - and my nan only speaks the truth...

and well, i have been feeling a bit down recently, there is so much going on at the mo, its untrue, but i am getting there, and trying the best that I can to be a friend to everyone who needs me at the mo, and if I fail at that then I am sorry, but I am trying my hardest. we all have our off days, and our on days, but i try my best to be there for anyone who needs me, and i really hope that I can give the word friend the justice that it deserves.

and lastly, can you all pray for my team...they are Cathy, Hannah, Jenny, Jo, Greg, Tim and Crispin, and we all need to look out for each other,... at the mo can we all pray for Jenny who has just lost her grandad, and that happening to her just makes the situation with my grandad so real to me, that he might not be here when i get back, and I am very very scared about that.

take care all of you

HERE WE GO:

I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.

I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart

HERE WE GO:

I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.

I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart

HERE WE GO:

I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.

I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart

will blog more about exeter soon, when i have stopped feeling tearful and ugh, and can think a bit more rationally...my exeter dream had to come to an end sometime...maybe this highlighted that fact.

will blog all about it soon, cos i did have some wonderful times over the last few days...but at the moment one not so nice event is blurring everything and i want and need time to think a bit more clearly

Exeter bound...

in a few hours timne i will be leaving for Exeter to see many wonderful people and say goodbye to them all...have some of thursday already booked with Rachel and Tessa, and hopefully i will see James and Ella too, and Mark, and everyone really - looking forward to it all!

Left work on friday...will write more about it all later, but it was very sad and teary, and they spoilt me rotten which was just loevly...

just been to an Ash wednesday mass, and it was the o0ne that the primary school go to ( we used to go to Mass every Wednesday morning at Primary School)...anyways, i went to speak to the head teacher, as she taught me in my last year of school! that wsa funny - she didnt recognise me at first, but then she did, she went "Zosia, of Andrew, Peter and Zosia"...yes I know sad isnt it...to be remembered by your siblings! but it was nice seeing her again...i miss primary school...

anyway, must search train times to Victoria so i can get mu coach...

and ps - pray for me, ahve juts found out that I am team-leader for Lesotho, and its a hell of a lot of responsibility!