Prayer...I have been praying a lot recently, for a range of things in a range of ways, some of it hasn't been easy, but at the end of the day it can only be a good thing.  I remember when I was a confirmation catechist earlier in the year a young person asked me why I prayed.  I came up with some waffly answer, but it did the trick - he seemed satisfied with my reasons and said that he was going to "try it out".

Anyway, I watched Shadowlands again this weekend.  A poignant time to watch a film like that, when one of your friends is dying of cancer...but there was this awesome quote about prayer:

"That is not why I pray.  I pray because I can't help myself.  I pray because I am helpless.  I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping.  It doesn't change God, it changes me"

Now that is the answer I should have given to my young people.

Shadowlands is a great film - very very moving.  It makes me want to read C.S Lewis stuff all over again.  Maybe, later in the year it may be a good time to read such things.

Please keep Fr Ben in your prayers - he needs them.

This weekend was a first for me...it was the first time that I have helped out at a Diocesan Youth Festival.  About 5 months ago, I received a phone call..."Zosia, we are going to hold a youth festival called IGNITE, and we really want a Taize night prayer for the first evening...will you do it?"  I said yes...of course.  Not just because it was Luke and Hamish asking me, but because I genuinely wanted to do it...and the East Anglia Diocese have been a huge help to me over the last few years.

As the weeks got closer, I found myself also leading a workshop called "God speaks to us", and then last Wednesday, I found myself answering another phone call with the question "can you do the Sunday morning talk?".."What on" I reply..."oh, you know, the call to holiness, saints of the 3rd millennium, community, The Eucharist...".."Ok" I say...

So on Friday afternoon I arrive in a very wet Norwich, we make our way to the boarding school in Swaffham where IGNITE was to be held, and began the setting up.  While I let the men sort out the sounding and the lighting in the Gym...Fr Luke and I set about transforming a french classroom into a chapel.  This was more successful then I though - bed linen is brilliant!  I took up various bits of material from my church, we had Bishop Michaels Taize cross, various icons that Fr Luke had painted and set about making an altar and prayer spaces.  At 11:30pm, we left the school and headed back to Norwich, via ASDA to pick up more bed linen to finish up the next day and food.  At 12pm/am, we put food in the oven and started to plan the openning liturgies, prayers and talks for the next 2 hours. After less than 4 hours sleep in the guest room at Cathedral House I was up again finishing up and making our way back to the school to finish setting up.

Saturday started off with a Mass for a small number of us, so that we could have the Blessed Sacrament present in the chapel, and we finished set up, just in time for the arrivals of everyone.  The opening liturgy included prayer and praise, a meditation about answering Gods call (using Mary and the Magnificat as an example....a 1:30am gin induced idea), and a Christian Mime artist...lunch, a key note talk from Fr Luke, free time (and the chance for the sacrament of Reconciliation) followed by workshops...after my workshop which was in the chapel, I set about changing the layout for evening Taize prayer...but that could only be finished off with the arrival of things later in the evening.  I then took the opportunity for confession myself, and made my way to the BBQ.

In the evening, two very powerful events happened.  Steve Murray, a Christian Mime artist performed for us - for about an hour, and did an amazing mime about the passion of Christ - I was literally moved to tears - it was amazing.  I had to miss the concert as I had to set up chapel for Taize prayer which was in complete candlelight - and this turned out to be far more emotional than I could have ever imagined.  Obviously, Bishop Michael was in our thoughts (the first anniversary of his death had just passed), but also Fr Ben is very much in our thoughts.  But the service was beautiful, just emotional, with many of us going outside to have a good cry - not a wee-, but a big snotty cry.  Even Hamish, who does not like Taize, came to find me to tell me he liked it...  A hunt for a memory stick, and much de-waxing of a chapel later, I made my way to the convent where the female 'special guests' were staying for the night, and I took a Katie in with me - I had a room with 4 beds in it - she was going to have a crash mat...it made sense! 

Little sleep later, and sunday morning came, with breakfast, morning prayer of the church, and then my talk.  After we had Mass preparation, Mass, lunch, and that was it,,,Ignite was done.  Obviously we had a huge clear up operation, and post the removal of the blessed sacrament from chapel, we began dismantling, with many hands on deck, music blasting from my speakers and dancing!

On Sunday evening, Fr Luke and I drove to visit Fr Ben in his hospice - I was not going to go all the way to Norwich and not visit him.  This was a wonderfully blessed time - Ben was in good spirits (he had been with his family earlier in the day) but was tired and weak.  We talked about his ordination, and how he has previously said "give me a system and I will smash it", and he was happy when I told him I may be venturing into youth ministry, and just general chit chat - until about 10-15 minutes later he became very week, so we received a blessing and allowed him to rest.  On the way back to Norwich in the car, I let the tears fall.  Questioning - why?  Why?

On Monday I went to Mass in the Cathedral, Hamish popped over to say goodbye and then I made my way back to the office!

I was very lucky to have been part of IGNITE...time spent among friends, meeting new people, being thrown in at the deep end and having time to pray, and think about the future was brilliant.

Please continue to pray for Fr Ben - he is being such a witness of grace and gift - but he does need prayers.

Thank you once again EA for taking me in, and letting me be in amongst you.  I am very grateful.

So, I would like to say a MASSIVE thanks to James who let me guest blog on his blog the other day about Fr Ben's ordination so we could get the prayers up.  I am hugely grateful, and I am sure that Fr Ben is also grateful for the prayers.

I have had a lot of emotions recently.  Last Friday it was extreme anger when I found out that I was the only PhD student not to receive further funding to finish their PhD post centre closure.  This was followed by many tears, and then reflection.  Reflection, came last - it should have been first.  I still do not know what is going on, but I have a great supervisor who is checking on my mental health all the time (he knows that the Ben news has knocked me slightly too), and is going to fight a battle foe funding for me.  So all is not lost.  I went on a church away day where I was asked to give a talk about community and the Eucharist, and that went down really positively, so that cheered me up!

And today, well, today I have had a relatively positive PhD supervision - these have been rare of late if I am being honest, so when I was receiving feedback for a results chapter that my boss had not seen at all, or really even discussed with me, and a) he liked my findings (I am bored of them, but he liked them) and b) issues that I have had with other chapters were not present here, I was somewhat happy!  Obviously, it needs tidying up and amending, but it was not all bad!  woop!

Half a day of work tomorrow before I head up to Norwich to help run some sessions at IGNITE youth festival for East Anglia Catholic Diocese!  I am leading a session called "God speaks to us" (prayers for that please), and co-ordinating the Taize prayer in the evening (this I have planned!).  So it should be a good weekend....and if he is well enough, I may also pop to see Fr Ben who has moved back to EA to get the care he needs.

Another Ben update...well technically that should read Fr Ben update...Ben took a turn for the worse, and so on Saturday he was ordained even though he is only in his 3rd year.  I rushed up to go and support him with a few other friends...what a beautiful, heart-wrenching, poignant service.  Ben was courageous and strong throughout, and at the end of the service there was a spontaneous round of applause that went of for ages, and Ben found the strength to stand up and turn round to face us all...with such joy on his face.  He gave us all a blessing as we left the chapel, and I spoke with him for a few minutes, trying my upmost not to cry.  Then when I could, when I was out of sight, I walked away in tears.

I am so happy that I went up to support him on his day.  His strength, courage, hope and trust in the Lord was an incredible witness, even through his horrific illness.  What grace that on Sunday, I heard he was able to celebrate his first Mass at seminary for a few other priests - amazing grace.

I kind of feel that Saturday was a bit of a dream.  Travelling the distance, seeing this act of love and service and humility, tears of joy, and tears of sadness.  And once again, I was made to feel so welcome amongst the EA clergy...

And to end on a lighter note, I got to sit on another papal chair (with the permission of the rector of the seminary), and after this ordination, I did not fall down any stairs and hit my head.

Please continue to pray for Fr Ben...he truly appreciates them and needs them