the PhD is in!!!

It has been submitted...I am truly exhausted!  the last month was very hard...but it is done for now...

Merry Christmas
xx

So, I said the other day that I was yet to do the review of my Taize trip this summer, and so here it goes...

Once again, I went for 2 weeks this year, for many reasons, I wanted to go for that length of time, I was going with some people from church in my first week, and meeting the East Anglia group for the second week - so the two weeks would have a completely different atmosphere.

On the evening of the first day, after having been very very hot, there was the most horrific thunderstorm,,,it prevented me from queing up for sunday dinner (not such a great loss), but I did get out of the tent to run to evening prayer.  I have a phobia of thunderstorms....this was not good.  But ear-plugs in and being very tired after a night on a coach, I fell asleep pretty easily.

In my first week, I went to be pretty early each night (well in comparison to the second week) to go to 7:30 Mass every morning - I love doing this in Taize.  It is quite an intimate service...but there seemed to be a huge number of priests!!

The Bible studies for the week were based on community and how to keep the community together, based on the theme for the next 3 years in Taize - towards a new solidarity.  These were taken from both the Old and the New Testament, and provided much food for thought.  We had brother Matthew this week - who on seeing me arrive to the Bible study, made some sarcastic comment towards me...and when one evening I went to ask him a question about that days Bible study, all he did was role his eyes and say, what do you want...not the best of welcomes from the brother, but hey, I lived with it for the week.  After the English regional meeting on the Thursday, brother Paolo asked to meet me the next day. 

This meeting was a really good meeting.  I met him after a Bible study on suffering (did not need this, when on going out one of the last things I had heard was that Ben had taken a turn for the worse, and the things we had in place so that I could be told about anything if he died when I was out there), and so I was pretty much gone and upset.  We talked about a range of things, and he just supported me, told me that in the 6 years that I have been going to Taize he has seen a big growth in me, and that I had developed into a beautiful (if somewhat skinny) young lady!  He said that in my second week, I didnot have to do a Bible study, or small groups, but could take time for me, and go for walks etc.  I was very grateful for this chance to talk to him openly and honestly and for him to listen.  I was also invited for lunch at the long-term permanent stay girls accomodation, as a friend of mine had been there since January and had gained permission to have me over for lunch.  This is the closest that we can really get to 'lunch with the brothers' for the girls...I got to sit at a table, wat with a knife and fork, and ate a lot...and had salad!! salad!! so yes, that was a higlight of the week

on the last day of the week, a friend and I walked up to Bray as she had never been, and we prayed in the church.  On the way back down, some men who live in the house nearby invited us in for beer - it was a really hot day, so we took them up on their offer, and had one, and then made our quick exit when new victims were welcomed in.  The candle service was as beautiful as ever, and that saturday night was so noisey!

I was awake really early on the sunday morning, hearing suitcases coming and going, but did not want to get out of the tent. I heard Anne was up and we chatted for a bit, and then I awaited the arrival of EA.  The trio who came by car arrived first and it was great to see them, and I gave them each a huge hug, and they were happy with the space that I had saved them throughout week one!!  The coach then arrived and I welcomed the rest of EA in my pyjamas.

Some EA tents were up before Sunday Eurachist, some were not, but we had our area marked.  After we set up camp for them properly, and it was so good to have friends around me, literally!  I waved off my friends from week one, and then went to join EA ready for week two.  I got some maps from Paolo about surrounding areas to Taize and how to get to them, and went back to camp and just chatted with the group.

Monday was a bit of a weird day.  I woke up, went to Mass and was doing OK.  Was very much cheered when Frere Emile came into tent P to give us our Bible study....This is the 4th year that I have had him doing Bible studies, and he does not ever fail to impress me.  I had already seen him in week one to chat to him about some stuff, and he took it all on board and looked out for a few of us throughout the week.  But then after lunch on Monday afternoon, I got very sick, and could not keep food down, and felt very faint and ill.  It was a bit crap, but a friend found me somewhere cool to sit, sat with me until I felt better, and then made sure that I ate for tea.

The week progressed, with early mornings for Mass and very late nights through chatting and night prayer.  Emotions were tough, and after one Bible study that was very close to the bone, I turned around to my friend and said 'Bite me'.  On wednesday evening we had the usual EA Mass in the crypt, a very tearful affair when we remembered Bishop Michael and Fr Ben.  Brother Paolo came to join us, and at the end exclaimed "well, I never thought that the Mass would be that emotional".  To top this off, I had just had my meeting with my spiritual director before the Mass...a long and tough meeting, but a lot of fruit also came from it.

On Friday we made our pilgrimage to Bray after midday prayer.  A group of us walked up there, and were joined by the two who had driven to the shop to get picnic provisions.  We had a service in the church up there and then we had a beauiful picnic outside the church in the blazing sunshine.  As a result of a few of us getting truly emotional up there, we made a dual trip back.  This then made praying around the cross very difficult, but also very worthwhile!

This year we also found a way into the sunflower fields which were amazing.  Ben used to love the fields - and they are pretty special.  so we thought of him there, and had some deep discussions ourselves, digging into places that really hurt, to try and heal that.  We are both still digging and trying to heal now.

Leaving Taize this year was a gut wrenching as usual. I was in the car being driven back, with one person who is contracted to go to Taize but does not really like it, and three of us very sad to leave, shedding a tear as we turned out from the community.

I say every year..why do I go somewhere that leaves me more emotionally drained then I was when I arrived there.  But the answer is because of the support I get there, the love of God I feel there, and the great Biblical input that I get when out there.  This year friendships were truly strengthened, and I gained a younger sister!

Obviously, when we were out there Fr Ben was in our prayers, talking about what Ben would have done, or said, and remembering his wit and humour.  He was missed this year, and we miss him now.  But Ben was with us in spirit, and we can now rest with the knowledge that he will always be with us, and hopefully guide us in prayer.

So, it has been an age since I last blogged....am sorry.  I have been so very busy.  Life has somewhat taken over.

Firstly, my body seems to be taking a very long time to adjust to the meds this time.  I am continuously tired...no matter how much I sleep, I am tired.  My head is usually hurting most days and all I want to do is sleep.  But I am battling on with it.

Secondly, obviously my PhD is taking over.  It is less than a month until I submit the project that I have been working on for the best part of 4 years.  I am busily compiling the whole document.  My boss has just received the my amended discussion chapter and conclusions...and I am nearly there.  So tired, but nearly there.

Thirdly, I have realised I still have not done the Taize write up for this year - I will, probably at the weekend.  But some of what happened at Taize has shaped these last few months.

All in all, life has dealt me some blows in the last few months, but it has also provided me times of great joy and laughter.  It is all very confusing, but God must be working there, somewhere

Ben's funeral was a beautiful, poignant and moving occassion.  We were reminded of Ben's character, his humour, and the change in him after his ordination.  Ben often talked about 'everything being gift' - the gift of life, the gift of ordination, the gift of friendship, the gifts that God gives us.  Ben's life was a gift, his priestly ministry was a gift, and the teachings that he wrote when suffering are a gift, and they can be used to help us in our teaching.  There were times of laughter during thr eulogy, and many many tears as well.  It was a funeral that Ben asked for, and one that we as his friends were sad to be having to attend after such a short life, but we were all proud to be seen as his friends, and celebrate his life.

Life has been a little strange...my body is re-adjusting to the medication, I have about 6 weeks left of the PhD (although I have not been paid for 5 months), and still no idea about what to do next...although I have some pilgrimgages booked...Rome and Rio await!

A tough october....maybe November will be easier on me.

In these last few days I have been blessed with people offering me hugs (both real and virtual) and support, and have provided a sympathetic ear.  Ben will be missed, by many, but the love that has been expressed is a blessing.
As preparations for his funeral are underway, we pray for him and his family, his friends and the diocese of East Anglia at this sad time

Sad news this morning - Ben died peacefully in the night.  I had a phonecall during the night to tell me.

May he now rest in peace and rise in glory

I have stepped back 18 months and am back on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.  It has been a tough month and that is the way the cookie crumbled.  Pray for me.

In other news, I went to visit Fr Ben at the hospice at the weekend with 2 other friends.  On walking out after saying goodbye, the three of us just stood in the entrance and cried.  He is still going, but incredibly weak and it is so so sad.  Pray for him.

My two week retreat to Taize for this year has been and gone - it flew by.  I know I say this every year, but this year, I really could have done with more time out there, as I am in a discernment process and was just getting myself to a good place when it became time to leave.

I need time to digest what happened out there, so a full update will be given soon.

On another note, Fr Ben took a decline in health just before I went out - but it seems that out prayers are working as he is as stable as he can be right now.  Frere Alois was informed of his situation, and sent him a personal note back with the EA pilgrims - we were all incredibly touched by his gesture of kindness.

Its been a busy week....getting the last bits of work done, entertaining a guest, going to morning Mass which I dont normally hve the opportunity to do (and as per usual, when I go, being asked to serve when there), cooking for my guest, baby sitting, doing some chapter amendments, going shopping, and trying to get my mind ready as soon I will be going on retreat, with so so so many situations and people to pray for.  So, this retreat should be a good time to really sort out my time with God and put that back on track a bit.  Here's hoping anyway.

News about Fr Ben has not been the most positive in the last few days, so if you could keep him in prayer that would be very kind of you.  May God give him strength, and keep his mood positive and his amazing humour strong.

Prayer...I have been praying a lot recently, for a range of things in a range of ways, some of it hasn't been easy, but at the end of the day it can only be a good thing.  I remember when I was a confirmation catechist earlier in the year a young person asked me why I prayed.  I came up with some waffly answer, but it did the trick - he seemed satisfied with my reasons and said that he was going to "try it out".

Anyway, I watched Shadowlands again this weekend.  A poignant time to watch a film like that, when one of your friends is dying of cancer...but there was this awesome quote about prayer:

"That is not why I pray.  I pray because I can't help myself.  I pray because I am helpless.  I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping.  It doesn't change God, it changes me"

Now that is the answer I should have given to my young people.

Shadowlands is a great film - very very moving.  It makes me want to read C.S Lewis stuff all over again.  Maybe, later in the year it may be a good time to read such things.

Please keep Fr Ben in your prayers - he needs them.

This weekend was a first for me...it was the first time that I have helped out at a Diocesan Youth Festival.  About 5 months ago, I received a phone call..."Zosia, we are going to hold a youth festival called IGNITE, and we really want a Taize night prayer for the first evening...will you do it?"  I said yes...of course.  Not just because it was Luke and Hamish asking me, but because I genuinely wanted to do it...and the East Anglia Diocese have been a huge help to me over the last few years.

As the weeks got closer, I found myself also leading a workshop called "God speaks to us", and then last Wednesday, I found myself answering another phone call with the question "can you do the Sunday morning talk?".."What on" I reply..."oh, you know, the call to holiness, saints of the 3rd millennium, community, The Eucharist...".."Ok" I say...

So on Friday afternoon I arrive in a very wet Norwich, we make our way to the boarding school in Swaffham where IGNITE was to be held, and began the setting up.  While I let the men sort out the sounding and the lighting in the Gym...Fr Luke and I set about transforming a french classroom into a chapel.  This was more successful then I though - bed linen is brilliant!  I took up various bits of material from my church, we had Bishop Michaels Taize cross, various icons that Fr Luke had painted and set about making an altar and prayer spaces.  At 11:30pm, we left the school and headed back to Norwich, via ASDA to pick up more bed linen to finish up the next day and food.  At 12pm/am, we put food in the oven and started to plan the openning liturgies, prayers and talks for the next 2 hours. After less than 4 hours sleep in the guest room at Cathedral House I was up again finishing up and making our way back to the school to finish setting up.

Saturday started off with a Mass for a small number of us, so that we could have the Blessed Sacrament present in the chapel, and we finished set up, just in time for the arrivals of everyone.  The opening liturgy included prayer and praise, a meditation about answering Gods call (using Mary and the Magnificat as an example....a 1:30am gin induced idea), and a Christian Mime artist...lunch, a key note talk from Fr Luke, free time (and the chance for the sacrament of Reconciliation) followed by workshops...after my workshop which was in the chapel, I set about changing the layout for evening Taize prayer...but that could only be finished off with the arrival of things later in the evening.  I then took the opportunity for confession myself, and made my way to the BBQ.

In the evening, two very powerful events happened.  Steve Murray, a Christian Mime artist performed for us - for about an hour, and did an amazing mime about the passion of Christ - I was literally moved to tears - it was amazing.  I had to miss the concert as I had to set up chapel for Taize prayer which was in complete candlelight - and this turned out to be far more emotional than I could have ever imagined.  Obviously, Bishop Michael was in our thoughts (the first anniversary of his death had just passed), but also Fr Ben is very much in our thoughts.  But the service was beautiful, just emotional, with many of us going outside to have a good cry - not a wee-, but a big snotty cry.  Even Hamish, who does not like Taize, came to find me to tell me he liked it...  A hunt for a memory stick, and much de-waxing of a chapel later, I made my way to the convent where the female 'special guests' were staying for the night, and I took a Katie in with me - I had a room with 4 beds in it - she was going to have a crash mat...it made sense! 

Little sleep later, and sunday morning came, with breakfast, morning prayer of the church, and then my talk.  After we had Mass preparation, Mass, lunch, and that was it,,,Ignite was done.  Obviously we had a huge clear up operation, and post the removal of the blessed sacrament from chapel, we began dismantling, with many hands on deck, music blasting from my speakers and dancing!

On Sunday evening, Fr Luke and I drove to visit Fr Ben in his hospice - I was not going to go all the way to Norwich and not visit him.  This was a wonderfully blessed time - Ben was in good spirits (he had been with his family earlier in the day) but was tired and weak.  We talked about his ordination, and how he has previously said "give me a system and I will smash it", and he was happy when I told him I may be venturing into youth ministry, and just general chit chat - until about 10-15 minutes later he became very week, so we received a blessing and allowed him to rest.  On the way back to Norwich in the car, I let the tears fall.  Questioning - why?  Why?

On Monday I went to Mass in the Cathedral, Hamish popped over to say goodbye and then I made my way back to the office!

I was very lucky to have been part of IGNITE...time spent among friends, meeting new people, being thrown in at the deep end and having time to pray, and think about the future was brilliant.

Please continue to pray for Fr Ben - he is being such a witness of grace and gift - but he does need prayers.

Thank you once again EA for taking me in, and letting me be in amongst you.  I am very grateful.

So, I would like to say a MASSIVE thanks to James who let me guest blog on his blog the other day about Fr Ben's ordination so we could get the prayers up.  I am hugely grateful, and I am sure that Fr Ben is also grateful for the prayers.

I have had a lot of emotions recently.  Last Friday it was extreme anger when I found out that I was the only PhD student not to receive further funding to finish their PhD post centre closure.  This was followed by many tears, and then reflection.  Reflection, came last - it should have been first.  I still do not know what is going on, but I have a great supervisor who is checking on my mental health all the time (he knows that the Ben news has knocked me slightly too), and is going to fight a battle foe funding for me.  So all is not lost.  I went on a church away day where I was asked to give a talk about community and the Eucharist, and that went down really positively, so that cheered me up!

And today, well, today I have had a relatively positive PhD supervision - these have been rare of late if I am being honest, so when I was receiving feedback for a results chapter that my boss had not seen at all, or really even discussed with me, and a) he liked my findings (I am bored of them, but he liked them) and b) issues that I have had with other chapters were not present here, I was somewhat happy!  Obviously, it needs tidying up and amending, but it was not all bad!  woop!

Half a day of work tomorrow before I head up to Norwich to help run some sessions at IGNITE youth festival for East Anglia Catholic Diocese!  I am leading a session called "God speaks to us" (prayers for that please), and co-ordinating the Taize prayer in the evening (this I have planned!).  So it should be a good weekend....and if he is well enough, I may also pop to see Fr Ben who has moved back to EA to get the care he needs.

Another Ben update...well technically that should read Fr Ben update...Ben took a turn for the worse, and so on Saturday he was ordained even though he is only in his 3rd year.  I rushed up to go and support him with a few other friends...what a beautiful, heart-wrenching, poignant service.  Ben was courageous and strong throughout, and at the end of the service there was a spontaneous round of applause that went of for ages, and Ben found the strength to stand up and turn round to face us all...with such joy on his face.  He gave us all a blessing as we left the chapel, and I spoke with him for a few minutes, trying my upmost not to cry.  Then when I could, when I was out of sight, I walked away in tears.

I am so happy that I went up to support him on his day.  His strength, courage, hope and trust in the Lord was an incredible witness, even through his horrific illness.  What grace that on Sunday, I heard he was able to celebrate his first Mass at seminary for a few other priests - amazing grace.

I kind of feel that Saturday was a bit of a dream.  Travelling the distance, seeing this act of love and service and humility, tears of joy, and tears of sadness.  And once again, I was made to feel so welcome amongst the EA clergy...

And to end on a lighter note, I got to sit on another papal chair (with the permission of the rector of the seminary), and after this ordination, I did not fall down any stairs and hit my head.

Please continue to pray for Fr Ben...he truly appreciates them and needs them

Quick update about my friend Ben...They have stopped his chemo because it was making him worse rather than better and are now just letting nature take its course.  Outlook is bleak.
Please pray for him...he needs them

I am wanting to have my second results chapter done by the end of the week, giving me enough time to be on course for a first draft of every chapter of the thesis before my break...at the moment, I have 11,000 words left for the discussion - this should be enough...but I am sure we can chop some of my results down a bit, or my literature, so I should be ok for the 100,000 word limit...it is strange - 100,000 words at my disposal, and there is still a chance of going over the word limit.

Was given some advice about prayer of discernment the other day - took it last night...have to say, it was quite powerful stuff.

2 weeks until Ignite - my first try at running some sessions at an organised youth weekend...quite excited.  And yes, I have also been asked to co-ordinate a Taize prayer at the event.  good stuff

Published!!!

Well, in Southwark Archdiocese anyway!  This months edition of our diocesan newspaper "The Pilgrim" contains my article....and not just that, but they have put it on a 2 page spread on the centre pages!!  It is all very exciting!  In fact, somebody pointed out to me that they also had my photo on the front page!!  I will give you all one guess as to what my article was about...!!  But they also put Bishop Paul's article about the service I invited him to in there, and a little section about the new Taize CTS booklet that Fr Bryan, my parish priest wrote.  So all in all, in every parish in Southwark Archdiocese this morning, the new edition of the Pilgrim will have been offered to parishioners, and my article will be there for all to read.

In other news, I was at St George's Cathedral yesterday for a training day for Diocesan catechists which was very interesting and ended with a Mass with Archbishop Peter thanking us all for our work, and commissioning us to go out to continue teaching the faith....so my friend and I, went out to the pub!

And this evening, I have just returned from 'face to face with Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor at the local Methodist church - the methodist minister questionning him for about an hour.  It was a big shame there was no time for questions from the audience, I had loads to ask....but never mind....

An update on my friend Ben, mentioned in the last post: he was not a suitable candidate for an experimental drug, that would not have cured him, but may have helped control pain/grant him a little more time. he is weak, but apparently in good spirits. He really wants to go to Taize one last time, and so we are working on ways to get him there. He really could do with more prayers, so please, pray for Ben. Also pray for those at seminary with him and those caring for him. It was good to have both Luke and Hamish independently visit London (but on the same day) last week and to have an evening of drinking with them. And last night, a good catch up meal with an old friend was just what the Dr ordered. In the last few weeks, I have been leaning on friends for support on a number of issues, and I thank them all. I hope that I can repay the favour...

I went to Norwich last week for the entire long weekend, and I timed going there just at the right time. And this is where readers of this blog come in. Could, if you are that way inclined (and even if you are not), pray for our friend Ben. He is a third year seminarian, a fellow Taize pilgrim and more importantly a good friend who, last Thursday, was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer, and was told that he doesn't have long. We are all pretty shocked by the news, and very upset by it. So please pray for him. Pray that he can be comforted, and can remain as strong as he can. Please also pray for those who care for those who care for him at this sad time.

I am very excited as I am going to have a mini-break this weekend and visit 2 good friends of mine. I will have time to pray, time to laugh, to drink and even go to Walsingham for my first time EVER as part of a diocesan pilgrimage (of a diocese that I do not belong to). So, this should be good. Will be staying in a building that is next to a Cathedral, so finding somewhere conducive to prayer will be easy! So yes, East Anglia, I am coming to visit you! Last week I went to an encouraging yet frustrating meeting, where half way through after being told that I can visit parish x,y and z in my free time to help with their youth activities, I had to snap and say this was not possible as I do not have much free time!! The Dean of Bromley then stepped in to support me - thankfully. Also, I found out that the Bishop really liked our Confirmation programme which was good as we had put a lot of work into that, and now plans have been sent to other parishes to see what we have done :-)) And that is about it. PhD continues...and some of this weekend away is to pray about what to do next...

It has been a very busy few weeks recently, and so now is my time to catch up a little bit - on many things, including sleep. So, on the Saturday after I was hacked, my eldest brother got himself a wife! The wedding was beautiful. It was held in the Lake District as that is where his (now) wife is from. We went up the day before to set up the reception venue etc. Now, I had three roles at the wedding - I was 'Best Girl' which meant just making sure everything was ok for the service, I was the caterer liaison for the reception to make sure food was served correctly, that wine was flowing throuhgout the meal and the bar was flowing throughout the evening (the best thing about this role was that I was able to have my gin and tonic hidden), and my main role at the wedding was singing when Andrew and Anne signed the register. Now, yes, I like to sing, but I have never, ever done anything like this!! I was singing Schubert's Ave Maria, and Songbird (made famoud by Ewa Cassidy). The irony of starting a second song which has the openning line "For you, there'll be no crying" to a congregation in tears. I just about managed not to cry when I was singing, but fully blubbed when I sat back down. So yes, I now have another sister in law! The priest was weird, confused by the new translation and a bit muddled. When I spoke to a friend a few days later I told him that I want a priest who knows what they are doing officiating my wedding!! He said that was manageable* * he is a priest!! Secondly, I took a group of young people on retreat. I have been wokring with these young people since December, and at times, they have been hard work, but really it has been my pleasure to be their catechist. I took them to the SCYS retreat centre where they had a weekend programme, that they threw themselves into with gusto. I was so proud of them...they were well behaved, really learnt and got to understand me a lot better. There were also a lot of tears. Some of the young people during the reflections got themselves a little upset, the silence spoke to them. They were very upset, so I took them to chapel, sat with them, gave them time to cry, gave them time to explain why they were upset and then prayed for them and with them. Special times. Thirdly, well yesterday, was the actual Confirmation service. It was truly beautiful to see 32 young people stand up to be confirmed, to kneel infront of Bishop Pat and receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. They were all smiling so proudly, looked so smart, read brilliantly, and were just really good. I was so proud of them. So proud that I spent most of the service crying like an emotional relative. Afterwards, the Bishop came and congratulated me on my work with the kids and a lovely service, and many parents came to thank me for working with them (and the other catechists), and really being able to engage with them at their levels. That was what was most important - the fact that parents realised what I had done. I had made prayer cards for all the young people as a gift, and I hope that we can now keep them engaged and excited about their faith. So yes, busy times. And amongst all this, I am still writing my PhD, keeping that going, and keeping that to time as much as I can. I am struggling a little bit as I am not sure about my funding post July, and I am quite frankly wanting to get the thing done so I can move onto the next pahse of my life...what that is going to be I am not yet sure...I am praying for guidance on this one... And that is pretty much it for the time being!! should keep you updated for a little while!

Busy, busy times...but I have a little time to blow my own trumpet...a little bit! I have been teaching confirmation to 30 young people since January, and at our sessions I am usually given the "Bible study slot"....I thought this was going to be hard engaging the kids in that...but...it has been ok actually. From spontaneous applaud from the young people, to questions being asked...Monday's study involved a quiz... But (as in other weeks) I am more worried as to what my priest will say about what I am saying, and not the young people....but then I get this feedback: "many thanks to you and the others for your work and commitment. Your talk on Monday was excellent! You must deliver some of these in other contexts....we can talk after the weekend" hoorah!

I have had a hacked kind of life in the last 24 hours. Some nasty people have deleted all my contacts and all my emails, everything gone. Now some stuff from my past it is probably good that it has gone, as there was a lot of sadness in some emails there. However, there was also a lot of nice things there, with some lovely messages of love and support which are gone. It just does go to show that not everything does last forever. This tops off a rather bad week. My birthday the other day was Ok - had a lovely Taize prayer, but also had an unfortunate evening, which ended up with me crying down the phone to someone who has become one of my closest friends... Having cried to many a customer service adviser this morning, I am really upping my emotional nightmare tally this week!

Sometimes you do things because you know that you get a lot of enjoyment from doing it...this is what happens when I do my monthly Taize services - if nobody turns up (this is not the case) it wouldn't matter, as I would have that time in prayer (and a whole church) to myself.

However, just the other day, somebody who regularly comes to the monthly services sent me this:

"Thank you so much for your Taize ministry – the Good Friday vigil was so lovely and so meaningful"

Boom!

I dont often get feedback - this made me smile.

Lets hope this Sunday's service can also be meaningful!!

So it has been a very busy time...last time I wrote I said I still had a lot to update on, and I do...
So there was a lot of Taize activity towards the end of February. Frere Paolo was over and there was a London prayer in the Southwark Anglican Cathedral, being advertised with a 'meditation with the Southwark Anglican Bishop", so I decided to invite a Southwark Catholic Bishop - and to my joy, Bishop Paul agreed to attend - in fact in his email he said he would be delighted to attend. This was good news. The prayer was ok - a littl un-like usual Taize prayer, but I had a good opportunity to catch up with Frere Paolo, and to meet lots of other Taize friends who had travelled to the event - friends from Brighton and Birmigham came, and some other friends I met in Berlin came - good stuff. At the end, I had a chat with Bishop Paul who told me that he had really enjoyed the prayer, and was happy to have been invited. Frere Paolo thanked me for having the iniative to invite a Catholic Bishop, and the Anglican Bishop came up to me to say that they are glad that I invited him, as they should have done that themselves. A few days later I had an e-mail from both Frere Paolo and Bishop Paul saying that they had both met to discuss various things, and the Bishop (who apologised that he will be unable to come to Taize with us this year) said that he is interested about coming out with us next year...
The day after that was Rite of Election...having seen Archbishop Peter at uni two evenings before, and Bishop Paul the day before seeing Bishops was becoming a daily occurrence. Rite of Election was a beautiful service - I had never been to such a service before - but I was incredibly moved. I feel so unworthy to be sponsoring the couple that I am sponsoring, and to stand with them was humbling. After the ceremony, Archbishop Peter joked that we had to stop meeting like this and chatted with me...Father Bryan and I then went to chat to Bishop Paul about a range of things. It was agreed that we should write a joint article for the Diocesan newspaper - me about my experiences at Taize for the last 5 years, and + Paul to write about his experience of the prayer the day before...and there was even talk about holding a Taize style prayer service at the Cathedral that he would support. So a lot of prayer, a lot of knock backs and finally just taking the guts to go straight to the top and ask the people who can make things happen had paid off. Bishop Michael in 2010 spoke with me in the Taize church for a very long time one evening, time that I treasure dearly - but he asked me to get Southwark interested in Taize, to get the Bishops interested in it - and now I am doing that. and it may be working - slowly, but I said to +Micheal I would do my best, and now I am.

Then the other big event that I have been to, and commented very briefly about in my last post was FLAME - the event organised by CYMFed for young people, and those involved in youth ministry at Wembley Arena. A lot of various websites and in various Catholic newspapers has been written about the event. My opinion: gathering a group of young people to witness to their faith, to pray and worship is a good thing - especially if these young people do not have mnany others in their parish to do this with...but it would have been good to have had a bit more 'Catholicism' in it. Rise drama did a brilliant piece at the beginning that had me a little emotional - the best thing about the day for me was the Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. I rememnber being in Hyde Park with 80,000 people on my knees praying in that silence - feeling this is a bit extreme, but I am loving it. There was a similar feeling at FLAME...almist 9,000 young people in prayer in that arena - maybe they had not prayed like that before, maybe they had not witnessed so many people coming to prayer like that before - and if not, and even if they had, then it is very moving. There was a Glee-esque Flash-mob which was fairly amusing, and annoyingly catchy!! I was volunteering on the day - was up at 5:15 to get to Wembley Arena by 8 - but I had been given a fabulous volunteering role - I was the VIP runner...when the VIPs arrived I took them to their seat - and that was it! This meant that I was sat with the Bishops throughout the congress, and had a giggle with them. watching their faces throughout the flashmob was hilarious, and then hearing a few of them woop at the end had me in stitches. I was able to have a good few conversations with them, which I really appreciated. My friend Fr Luke from EA was also a VIP which also meant that I was able to spend a lot of the day chatting with him, and I saw quite a few of the Taize EA group, as well as Southwark people, some friends from universities and other people I have met in various other situations. I may not have been fully enriched by what was said on the day, but I was moved by some of it, had a lovely prayer experience and had a brilliant volunteering role....and had a good few drinks at the after show volunteers drinks.

I had sung Stainer's The Crucifixion with Petts Wood Festival Chorus - a very moving piece of choral singing, and £1400 raised for Marie Curie cancer care...fitting as this week I found out that a Taize friend of mine, inly a year older then me has a cancerous tumour on his bladder. He was down in London so we met and he told me the news. I knew that something was wrong with him, and was praying that this was not going to be the case - but it is. He is taking it well - in fact -I was pretty cut up with it. On the train home after saying goodbye to him I cried. Why this horrible illness? So i am praying now that it can be just cut out, and that it has not spread - prayers for him would be much appreciated.

Then we have had Easter... In our church, I as a Confirmation cathechist, had made the Triduum part of the Confirmation course. The week before Easter was the 'community action' session - 25 out of the 30 young people came to clean the church and tidy the church garden. And throughout the Easter services, the young children did all of the readings, welcoming, a good proportion of them served, 12 had their feet washed, some helped with the collections, and some then helped to tidy the church after the servers. I was immensely proud of them. They are growing and developing every week, and I had some people of the parish come to tell me how wonderful it was to see the young people participate. What was more exciting was the number of people we had coming to church with them. The Confirmation candidates came with their families, and so we had a full church - beautiful to see. In my session on Monday we are learning about the gifts of the Spirit - in my Bible study I am doing with them, I have written a thank you to them for using their gifts in the last few weeks in the church community, and what a pleasure it is to be working with them. Have also managed to get some of the Pope's Hyde Park homily into it...we shall see how it goes down! After my last Bible study with them I got a spontaneous round of applause. I am really enjoying this catechist lark...maybe Hamish is right - having been screaming "Go into church youth work" at me for the last 3 years, he may be right...

Over Easter I sat down for all of 30 minutes...that was enough for the immune system to shut down and a nasty lurgy attacked. This has made writing the PhD this week harder then it should be. Having said that I have had a tough week all round, panic at the beginning, followed by apathy, followed by I am just not good enough for this...to now..I just have to get it done.

My brother gets married in two weeks, so today i had my 6 monthly hair cut so that I can get used to my new hair for the wedding. I am 'best girl' for the wedding, and tried on about 100 dresses for the thing...we finally found one on wednesday...but when showing it to my nan today we noticed a snag in the material, so I need to get the receipt off the bride and go and exchange it. I will hopefully be singing at the wedding (if my voice is better by then)...some Ave Maria (Schubert-style) and Songbird have been requested when signing the register, so will see what happens!!

And that is about it...I think that is everything of note/interest.

I am slipping into a but of moppage at the moment - need to kick myself out of it quickly as I know that it is not particularly healthy, and I am trying. But stuff keeps on hitting me back in the face!

Ok...still have loads of things to report about - but this weekend has just been a bit insane...
1 - FLAME happened...content may have been a bit dubious at points - adoration was by far the best part of the day...but I had a brilliant volunteering job of being a VIP runner...so much fun - I smiled and laughed through the tiredness.

2 - Petts Wood Festival Chorus sang last night -Stainer's The Crucifixion...a thank you to Helen for when we had to give the thank you gifts for saying "I will let you give the gift to the hotter singer...but that is only because I am already married". Oh how we laughed. Beautiful piece of music though...and hopefully money made for marie curie cancer care.

I have lots of news to fill people in on - lots of small steps have been taken recently - but my news today is:

one year off my medication. One whole year!
The irony is that in the last 2 weeks I have felt more down then I have for a long time...but it has still been a year.

So, it turns out that my confirmation kids were perfectly behaved on Saturday. I think the surroundings helped. There was a deep intake of breathe when they entered (the majority had not been there before), and they set about doing their worksheet we had for them (that will be going in their confirmation pack that we are putting together for them). The staff and stewards at the cathedral were lovely - in fact they asked 4 of my young 'uns to do the take up the gifts during the service. After Mass, when the cathedral was emptying, the cathedral administrator gave us our own little tour and history of the cathedral, really interacting with the children, and meant that the cathedral had to stay open a little longer then usual for this to happen, and meant that we were the only ones left in there! As I was the last out, I turned around and took a quick picture of an empty westminster cathedral. Epic. A huge thank you to all the staff and priests there for helping us, being friendly towards us, and even mentioning that we were their in the prayers, and praying for us! I really believe the kids are developing, and realising that I am there to help them develop and learn about their faith and not just to tell them to turn their phone off, stop talking and remove their chewing gum!!

Yesterday I went to a very interesting debate held at university: 'Holiness and Wisdom and the beginning of life: When does human life become morally significant?'
Two speakers - a Professor of Medicine (and an Anglican Priest) and Peter Smith (the Archbishop of Southwark). Both spoke very well, and provided an interesting account of the ethics and morality of embryonic stem cell research. I had a very long conversation with Peter Smith afterwards...about many different things - including a question I had been too scared to ask in the open forum...to which he said "and this is the type of question that we needed in the debate - something very well articulated". But we had a long chat about faith formation and development, East Anglia, Taize and time! I said I would be seeing him in 2 days time as I am sponsoring a couple converting to Catholcism and this weekend is Rite of Election!

This evening, I will however be meeting with another Southwark Bishop who answered my e-mail and agreed to attend the Taize prayer around the cross at Southwark Anglican Cathedral this evening. I will be leaving to go and see Frere Paolo shortly, and hope that the St James Taize cross has arrived at the cathedral safely as are lending it to them!! I hope that this service goes well, as I am really wanting to get Taize more on the scene in Southwark - Peter Smith has encouraged me to keep going with it (and it is really helped by that fact that Bishop Michael always used to tell him to go, and that I had been told by Bishop Michael to plug Taize in Southwark)....so we shall see what Bishop Paul makes of it. But I am also excited about seeing other Taize friends who have indicated that they will be attending this evening...

in a few hours time I am taking my confirmation candidates to Westminster Cathedral for a tour of the cathedral and Mass....I hope they are far better behaved then when they went to their actual dioesan cathedral. Lets pray for them. They need prayer!

today I have dipped into gloom mood. I dont know why - but I have not been myself, and I feel all out of sorts.
I went to Mass in my lunch hour to give myself a spiritual kick...and to get through the afternoon...
On getting home, I did not feel much better, even when getting some lovely texts from some people attempting to cheer me up and giving me some prayers.

But, I got some news this evening that did cheer me slightly...I have been asked to be godmother to me neice. A complete little pleasure...this cheered me. An honour. My little neice is gorgeous and makes me smile...and now I will have this extra bit of responsibility for her. May God bless her.

yet another friend recently diagnosed with depression - literally sad times. It is horrible to see my friends so down, frustrated, tired. I pray for you all. At the same time, I am being given a little purpose allowing people to talk through things with me...on that note- although it has been nearly a year since I have been clear of the meds - I am still by no means better - I still have bad days, I am just trying to find other ways to cope with them. So yes, I am talking through situations with people, encouraging them, and praying that they can soon see the light out of the dark situation they are in.

On a more positive note the homily I helped to write received positive feedback...ha...I could have made a good priest. I was also able to talk openly and honestly to my confirmation candidates about the importance of prayer, and how they really need to pray to develop their relationship with God - blessed moment. Let us see how they act when we take them to Westminster Cathedral on Saturday!

And on a tragic note - I had a surprise visitor in London yesterday, which meant for a cheeky late afternoon pint. Before this happened I was in the post office with him laughing about my lack of valentines day card (not even a pity one from my dad), and the man behind the counter felt so sorry for me he said, "I do feel sorry for you. It's not right really is it? Here, look, have this chocolate - go on, have it". My friend nearly wet himself laughing at the situation....I told this to a down friend - and it made them laugh. You see - my tragic love-life situations are a huge source of amusement to others. Job done!

This week, I took a few days leave to go and visit some friends in Norwich. I have to say - it was such a blessed time, and I thank all the people that I spent time with and spoke to - there are three people who deserve a mention...

Luke - I have known Luke for about 4 years now, and bar a few occassions where we have met in the UK for special events (most notably his ordination for the priesthood and Bishop Michael's funeral), my only real interaction with Luke has been in (surprise, surprise) - Taize. But Luke (and the fellow priests at Cathedral House) let me stay in the guest room. Yes, Luke continued with his priestly mninistry when I was there, but we also had lots of time to chat, and I also helped him with his Homily (which I am told has received lots of Positive feedback), and following on from the previous post - had the joke of - there is a bit of priest in there somewhere. But it was lovely, and I thank him for his kindness and support.

Hamish - as with Luke, Hamish s a Taize person - but I have met him in London on a few occassions also. I love Hamish for having tha ability to be completely blunt in a tactful way! But many chats, potential persuassion to pursue youth ministry, and a lift back to the station yesterdat afternoon (plus the opportunity to play with his gorgeous daughter) meant that I had the chance for some lovely Zosh and Hamish chant!

Helen - now Helen is a relatively new addition in the life of me - but an amazing one. Helen is also an EA Taize pilgrim, who joined us for the first time this year - and we just really clicked which was great. She also came to Berlin, and she came to visit Luke and I when I was up - and even was brave enough to introduce her new boyfriend to Luke and I....we were nice to him (especially as I know his brother quite well). But she is just a lovely, beautifully hearted young lady, makes me smile, and I know that she has been, and will continue to pray for me...and even better I know that she also pops in to Luke as well.

I just had time to talk, laugh, rest and be me. It was good.
I thank the EA people for taking me on...legends!

"There is one thing I regret about this young lady", said my priest about me to Archbishop Peter Smith yesterday..."she should have been born a man. She would have made an excellent priest if she was a man". I was stunned into silence...Archbishop Peter Smith responded with "well, there is a place for young women in the church as well" (although he didnt elaborate as to what our 'place' is).

That one little snippet of conversation made me laugh out loud, on what was actually quite a sad day yesterday, but a day when a parish in Southwark diocese came together to celebrate the life of Monsignor John Elliott, our old parish priest who retired 6 years ago. He died on Christmas morning - a day which he had said that he always wanted to die on. Yesterday was his funeral at our parish church, presided over by Archbishop Peter Smith (who cut timings very fine - was supposed to be there at 11 for the Mass at 12, instead he arrived at 11:50), 6 other Bishops, and about 50 priests, as well as a packed church of parishioners. The service was simple, yet beautiful. Hymns, music and readings as prescribed in his will.

The morning was busy - I arrived into church at 9:20, to help clean the sacristry, sent on missions to the supermarket to buy milk etc for teas and coffees and then at 10:30 there were was a shout "Zosia, Urgent" The person who had agreed to read the intercessions was suffering from a stint of stage fright and so I was to do them instead...as well as making teas and coffees for all the priests when they had arrived, making sure they were all robed in time, sorting out some of the welcoming, and stewarding at Communion!

But the service was lovely...really lovely. There was laughter, there were tears. But most of all there was a lot of love expressed for a priest who had served out parish for 28 years, a priest who had baptised many of us, visited us at primary school every day, and encouraged us in faith. Yes, in his later years as our priest, when he was ill, sermons were short, preaching may not have been as considered, and the tough outer shell became a little tougher, but we all knew that he held us, his congregation in his heart.

After the service, the CWL ladies and their merry bunch of helpers had served a buffet that could have fed double the number of people who attended the funeral. Having spoken to many of the priests beforehand, I thought I would have been able to enjoy just general mingling, but no. In fact, afterwards, my reading was complimented. Apparently, nobody pauses in intercessions anymore. Apparently, nobody paused between the prayer and the 'Lord hear us', and then inbetween prayers. Well, their apparently is wrong - because I do. And it was noted, by priest and visitor alike. This morning, on checking my e-mails, the Dean of Bromley had e-mailed me as well, saying that I had done very well. Yay! I had a chat with Peter Smith, about a range of things, inlcuding Bishop Michael's funeral, and then the episode, quoted above happened. Now, I have great respect for Fr Bryan - he has been a brilliant parish priest, and a friend - but I did not know what to say!! Then I chatted with Bishop Pat who wanted to know how many young people he will be confirming...and then didnt believe me that he was confirming them on a Friday night...until he took out his diary to see that I was right.

The body was then taken out of the church. 6 young parishioners carried out the coffin, while those who remained lined the road as the coffin drove past. I stood next to a good friend Nick, who had carried the coffin and had been one of the servers during the service. He went very quiet, and slowly a tear rolled down his cheek. I undertoom one simple gesture for which he thanked me for. I put my arm around him.

So that was my Friday day time...it is not often that I am stunned into silence... Today I was

It has been a busy week - I am tired, energy wise and also a little bit spiritually - which is tough as I am now beginning to help others on their spiritual journeys!
On Monday was the first time that I began to teach Confirmation to 29 12-15 year olds. I have completed a catechist course, and have been asking many people about confirmation catechesis (I am very lucky to have a very close friend who is a priest and can give me information on tap) - but on Monday, the confirmation sessions began for real. There are 5 of us in total leading the young ones - and the session went really well. Really really well. I only had to use a strict teacher voice once! we are using a comnbination of materials, but the core backbone of it is 'I am Confirmed' by the Middlesbrough Diocesan Trust...this seems to be good backbone, but we are supplementing it with other material, setting homework and taking them on trips. So we introduced them to confirmation - made them think about what they are really doing, gave them the opportunity to ask questions. Their next session is a visit to our diocesan cathedral....we shall see how that goes.

Today, we had the service of welcome and introduction for the RCIA candidates. Now, this is lovely - but I find myself in a position that I feel a little unworthy of. I have been asked by a lovely couple to sponsor them. This couple are ex-Baptist ministers and the parents of an ex-boyfriend. Their faith and trust in God is beautiful to see, and I sometimes feel that I am unworthy of my role as sponsor...but hey. It was an honour to stand with them today, and I will continue to pray for them and help them as much as I can on their exciting journey in faith.

I am getting there slowly with the PhD...have about 6 months to get it done - prayers in general would be good

To follow on from last night quickly, my sisten in law to be (my brothers fiance), her dad died last night. Very sad.
Prayers for her, her family and my brother would be much appreciated

Happy New People

As with the previous 4 new years, this new year was spent with the Taize community! I spent new year in Berlin, with people that I knew and a variety of new people - as is the Taize way! Going back to Berlin was interesting...I was there 4 years ago, but on the way out to Berlin that time I was dumped by probably the only person I have ever really loved. So Berlin could have been miserable...but it wasnt.

Quite aptly, the theme for the European Meeting was "Towards a New Solidarity"...apt because the city was Berlin, apt because of still trying to find solidarity and forgiveness with people who have hurt me, and apt because I wanted to put some stuff to bed that had happened in 2011.

We arrived in Berlin after a long coach journey, and I was greeted by some familiar friendly faces, and some brothers of the community I know well, and one who felt left out when I was giving other people hugs, that he requested one himself!! After we had been welcomed, we were sent off to our host parishes, and some poor map reading later we arrived out our host parish, to our relief to find out that we had been blessed with a parish who had a host family for everyone! woop woop! We introduced ourselves to our hosts, and then we found out our host mother and where she lived, and were sent off.

Our host mum - legend! We arrived at out flat, at the buzzer introduced ourselves as "the three Taize pilgrims who have been placed with you", and over 100 steps with all our luggage later we arrived at her door. She had moved herself onto her living room floor, so that Licy, Charis and I could use her bedroom. Licy and I had use of her double bed, Charis had a mattress on the floor - we felt guilty..why should we have this persons room? we were very willing to use our own blow up beds, and have her lounge, but no her bedroom we had...she also gave us her spare keys, so we could come and go as we please...

we showered, changed and made our way to work...we had volunteered to work, and we had a role of distributing food. This was a fun job, but I could only do it for 2 of the 4 evening meals, as one day I had a meeting with my contact sister, and the other evening I was chatting with Frere Paolo and a lovely girl I had not seen for 2 years and had agreed to meet out there....but when I did the distribution it was very very fun.

Obviously, something that Taize is synomous with is the prayer - and the specific style of prayer - the chanting, the languages and the silence. I find this style of prayer beautiful - just beautiful. There were a few teary moments, there always are. licy and I remembered the peace that we had this time last year, and then the sad news that we received when we got home. So yes, there were sad times, 2011 had been a tough year for many reasons, and I wanted to put that all to bed. Morning prayer in the parish was immense - Licy and I were leading the music in our parish, pitching ourselves with the piano apps on our phones, but we did it, and it was lovely. I love singing, and this meant that I really had a role to play.

I am not going to write much about the meditations yet as I want to read over them and reflect upon them more - but Frere Alois spoke very touchingly and I know that a lot of people were deeply touched by what they heard through the meeting...and that is the point. To be touched, to think about things differently, to go back home thinking of the message of Christ in a way that can be used in out reality, in todays world.

New year began with the prayer vigil for peace. I cried my way through the singing of Let All Who Are Thirsty, then made me way outside to join the others for the countdownm fireworks, and the bubbly that out parish provided for us. Some dancing and singing later, and the festival of nations began - the UK represent in the parish starting it off with Auld Lang Syne, then doing the Penguin Dance, and finishing with a sketch from the Sound of Music...the English children wanting to wish everyone a goodnight!!

New years day out host made us lunch. As she had been ill during the meeting she had not been able to attend any of the prayers, so asked us to sing for her...and we did, and we made her cry, and as she was crying we all started to cry. It was a special time.

No sleep on the journey home meant for some tired goodbyes, but goodbyes filled with love all the same. Taize new years always allow me to be me...to laugh, to cry, to welcome and be welcomed, to pray for peace and solidarity, to debate, to be with like minded Christians, to sing, and to bring in the new year in a uniquely wonderful way. We made a joke on the bus about never really being in the 'cool' group ever - but in a way we are cool - yes we may spend a proportion of the year spending our holiday in a monastry - but the friends you make, the peace you feel in your heart at times and the ability and time to be you in front of God - is ulitimately cool - and the gift that this pilgrimage allows.

I heard some different sad news on the arrival back home this years. Prayers for my sister in law to be would be gratefully appreciated as her father went into a coma on new years eve and there has been no positive light as of yet.