I have been umming all day about whether or not to write this, but it has been playing on my mind, so here it goes.

yesterday the world heard about the sad death and apparent suicide of Gary Speed - an awful event to occur. Reports then started about sports people developing depression when they finish their careers and how there should be support for them.

Very true. But their should be support for anyone who suffers with depression - be it mild or bipolar. As readers of this blog will know, depression and obsessional neurosis have been friends of mine for the last 10 years of my life (diagnosed) and definitely longer. At some points in my life it completely took over - on 3 occassions I was too scared to eat and drink for a number of days and so had to be hospitalised, at other times I resorted to harm in different ways (self-harm) and at other points I cut myself off from the rest of the world and refused to go out. At one point (and only one point) I sat in a room one evening, counted the number of various tablets and pills that I had and wondered "will this be enough". Depression is something that can plague anyone. It can be all encompassing. It can be scary. It, by its very nature is shit.

I still suffer with it. In february this year I made the conscious decision to come off my medication - and have been 'clean' so to speak since. It was hard. The withdrawal symptoms were a bitch, they really were, but I wanted to find what the real me was like, who I was, and how I could cope with what life is currently throwing at me. In actual fact, I prefer not having my life and mood dictated by a pill. Yes, this can mean that somedays I am moody as hell, and even hate being my own company (so I dread to think what other people are thinking), other days I can be so happy and smiley it is great...and other days I am just what could be perceived as 'normal'...but I like the fact that this is just me.

It has meant that I have had to use a variety of coping methods - my CBT course I did a few years ago has helped. Trying to think of ways I can be positive, changing my thought processes from the outset, adjusting my behaviour. This was a course led by Bromley Mind, and was so helpful. I have leant on friends a ridiculous amount. This summer in Taize I found out who some of my true friends were - people I could lean on, when we cried and laughed about the loss of Bishop Michael, and through that shared grief we opened up about other issues in our life - some people had drug problems, alcohol abuse, others were also kindred harmers. This opened up a lot, from both sides. In Taize I harmed, one place I would never thought I would harm, but it was something that happened at a moment of weakness. But there were people there who I told straight away, who let me cry and shout and vent my frustrations, and best of all held me, craddled me and let me be me. But my friends have been a huge source of hope, have helped me...and prayed for me. And lastly, but very importantly. my faith has beena huge support - not just because it has provided me with a support network, but because I had rediscovered that God actually loves me - yes me! In my silent week I found that I was angry and scared at God and thought he judged me terribly....but now, after two hard years at work at prayer and working on this relationship, this is changing.

Now, a lot of this happened as a result of a) being diagnosed and being able to say - yes actually I have an illness, I have a difficulty, sometimes it can make me a moody bitch, sometimes it can make me tired, sometimes I can be just fine...b) my friends for accepting me c) looking for help - I went to get help. I knew that fighting this by myself would be a losing battle, however much I wanted to hide and sometimes I did, I just understood that I had to get help.

I really really pray that people who do feel like this are able, or have the opportunity to find help, from their doctors, family, friends, mental health services. I petition to anyone suffering alone, you dont have to. You really dont. Yes, there are people out there - and people do understand. Yes, I have faced a stupid ignorant people, sometimes comments from my own family, university tutors - but its an ignorance. People dont know or understand, they do not understand the grip this can have on you. They call depression the 'common cold' of mental health - but really on bad days it can be all out flu. But, I have also had an enourmous amount of love and support, empathy, people to hold hands with, people to talk to, people to cry on, and people just to hold me when I was in a state of panic.

Depression can occur to anyone, at any time, over a range of things. My prayer is for an openning up of understanding about this topic and an understanding that people are not alone out there and that there is help out there, there really is. And finally, I still remember that one horrible night of pill counting, I remember it very clearly...but I also know that I have moved on from there, and you can move on from there. It is a bumpy path but a path that can be travelled.

I told you I ummed about writing this - I really did. But the media has to know that this happens - these are real people with a real illness, but a real hope as well.

To all those who have had similar issues, I pray for you, and pray that you also seek help and find a network of people who will support you. You deserve it. You are special, you are you - and that is what is most important