So I have had a little time to reflect about Taize 2011, so I will tell you about it...not everything has yet been processed and some moments will stay with me for a long time - because there were some beautiful moments - some because we all laughed, some because we all cried, and some because people came together and helped each other at times when we needed it the most.

Regular readers of this blog and Taize trips know that I travel out with the Diocese of East Anglia, and will know that three days before we travelled out we had just been to the funeral of Bishop Michael - who was their Bishop. So...in many ways this trip could have been awful. It was very very strange going to Victoria Coach Station to meet the group and +Michael not being there - but it was absolutely lovely seeing some of the usual crowd there. Hamish, however was not there, meaning that Luke (that should really read Fr Luke) was group leader until Hamish joined us later in the week.

Onto the coach we went, and I did my usual coffee/tea/drinks duty for the whole coach and the coach drivers, and then we had the ferry crossing. It was on the boat where we had a good drink (Bishop Michael always used to say to us to drink on the boat so that we would sleep for the rest of the coach trip), and I had the first of what turned out to be many chats with Luke about the Bishop and how we both flet about it and how this trip would be...and it was very touching.

We arrived in Taize on the Sunday morning - and it did feel like home, straight away. We went to our usual camp spot and set up tents, and had the majority of them up before morning Eucharist - brilliant! This was tearful - I felt a little pathetic crying but Bishop Michael always used to get off the coach and get ready to do the Mass straight away - and this year it was somebody else. We also found out that if he had been alive Bishop Michael was going to surprise us out there - and this unfortunately didnt happen - so these were the moments that his loss really hit.

So, in the first week, I went to the Bible study for the 25-35 year olds - and for my third year in a row this was led by Frere Emile - a brother I really like, and the brother that had been at the Funeral. I didnt get to speak to him there, but he came over to me as soon as he saw me enter the room to talk to me about the funeral and what we both thought of it. The theme for the week was the Gospel according to Matthew and how this could be used to transform our reality. The studies were absolutely top draw. I just got some much out of them. I could listen to Frere Emile for a long time...My small group was also really good this year - Frere Emile made me a contact person, so that was fine, and every day I tried to take the small group somewhere different for our afternoon small groups, so we went to the Ameugny one day, in big tents another, sat on a huge hill on site...so it added a sense of adventure to it all. They were a lovely group and we had the chance to share a lot which is what is most important.

During the week Hamish finally arrived - it was good to see him, and so did the priest who cared for +Michael in his last few months...so this gave Luke some rest. On Wednesdays, East Anglia Diocese always celebrate Mass in the crypt. This year, it was just Fr Luke celebrating Mass. I dont know how he managed to do it, with the rest of us crying our eyes out. It was a special Mass - re-inforcing Bishop Michael's message about the joy of thr resurrection, and living in joy and that the Bishop would have wanted us to mature in our faith. He did it very, very well, and the Bishop would have been very proud - and I told him so after the service as I sat crying in the crypt. I was ordered to go and was my face as it was time for the group photo. After that I found a bench in the church garden with a beautiful view, and went and sat there, and cried. I cried a lot. After a while I turned around and Luke was there. He sat down, and there we both cried. We talked about our memories of the Bishop, how we knew that he was there with us, but how we wanted him to be physically there. It was a hard moment, but a special one.

In the evenings Fr Luke administered the sacrament of reconcilliation in church, and the rest of us either stayed in church, went to OYAK or sat by tents. After Hamish arrived, I sat up talking with hime for ages - just chatting about a lot of different things which was really cool...and when Luke came back we tended to do night prayer of the church, which was a lovely way to end the day. On the Friday of the first week lunch was served and eaten in complete silence in solidarity with those in Oslo - an extremely simple, yet powerful moment. In the afternoon - as 25-35 year olds have Fridays for increased personal reflection, a few of us decided to go to Bray, a village near Taize where Bishop Michael used to walk to. We arrived in brilliant sunshine, and waited for the church to empty and looked at the beautiful views, and when we got into the church we sang a few Taize chants...and cried.

The saturday of the first week was hard - it was just a long day, I wasnt quite feeling me, and at just before tea, I broke down - it was my time to cry on Luke, and it was needed. We went for a walk and a pray and then met with the rest of the group and went for tea. At supper Hamish made me laugh so much - a skill he has - and the candle-lit service was just beautiful. I always said to Luke I would not do confession with him - but after a long chat with him in church - it just felt right. So I did - both crying and laughing and that was really, really good, in fact there was a "I have to stop laughing as this is the serious bit" said, and yeah it was lovely. I felt at peace. I left Luke by saying - there was a gin and tonic waiting for him at the tent!

I was very sad when on the Sunday the EA group left - although some were staying. Paul, Piotr, Lizzi and I were staying for two weeks, and Lou joined us. So a tearful goodbye led to the start of my second week. Frere Paolo gave me the week off work, saying I looked tired and needed to enjoy the Taize sun, and that was such a blessing.

The second week, I went to the morning 25-35 Bible Study in the morning (delivered by Frere Paolo, but didnt do the small groups, as in the afternoon I went to the Bible Study for 2 weekers led by Frere Jean-Marie where we discussed the themes of Joy, Compassion and Forgiveness - and these were delivered in a more workshop style and this was fantastic - it provided a great opportunity to debate.

The people who I was spending my week with had in previous years intimidated me - but spending this week with them showed me how special we are, how we had a number of things in common and how much love and respect we had for each other. My theme was developing - comfort in sorrow. Some of them had not been able to make Bishop Michaels funeral, and as on the Friday of that week an EA regular was getting married and we had said we were going to do something to mark that day..we set about planning what we would do. On the Thursday we spent some time in CorMatin, and on Friday we left Taize at 11:30, and walked to Bray (again). We planned a Taize style prayer and sat in the church, chanted, read a reading, and said our intercessions - both for the happy union in marriage and for celebration of +Michaels life, and we cried....but then we sat outside under the tree and drank our wine, ate our bread and cheese, and pic nic we had packed...I walked back to Taize (getting a bit lost) to get back to the Bible study - but was late, only to find Jean-Marie had dispersed us all to spend 45 minutes in silence to pray about forgiveness. I apologised for my lateness and told him why I was late - and he did not mind one bit as he knew that we went away for a reason. So I went and sat in the old church and cried some more.

That evening in church, I saw my sister who had delivered my silent week Bible studies...we term it 'that horrific week'. It was amazing to see her, and I just had to talk to her. When she was free, I went over and sat down, and her face smiled. She asked me what I had been doing in the last 2 years, what had happened, how I was. I told her about all the changes that I had gone through and she was crying - I was crying - but these were happy tears! That horrific week was rubbish to experience, but truly helped me to rediscover that God is a truly loving God and that was all he wanted to do. I also had to thank her for listening to me, not judging me and staying with me at a time when I felt horribly judged and alone - that time she gave me was special and I had not had time to thank her for that - and this was my time. It was one of my most personal and special conversations I had out there - and was grateful for having the time to do it. We both were crying happy tears, and just as I was going she stood up and said "I am not letting you go until we have had a hug. This news is proof of the resurrection and I am so happy for you - so happy", and I cried some more!

The last Saturday was a tearful service - the candlelight one was beautiful. Just time to think. I also had my yearly church chat with Frere Paolo about a range of issues and he also stated that he had seen a positive change in me...

Most nights, as it was warm, the group of us lay outside our tents and watched the evening sky, looking for shooting stars, chatting, talking laughing, playing games, and appreciating each other's company and we carried on our tradition of night prayer of the church before going to bed. We also carried on the 2 o'clock cider o'clock tradition having started that the week before, and that was a great tradition to continue.

Leaving Taize is always tough (maybe the year of my silent week it was slightly easier), but yes, it is always tough. Sister Liz came onto the coach to give me a hug goodbye, and Lou and I waved off Lizzi, paul and Piotr who were making their way to Madrid, and we got on the coach, and as we made our way down the Hill, we cried some more....

So, although it seems like I did a lot of crying - I also had a great time in prayer. There were times I felt a huge feeling of peace, where it was OK just to be 'me', and it is these feeligns that I need to hold onto. It was sad that Bishop Michael was not there with us physically (although he was certainly with us in spirit), but his memory and legacy continues through us...and that is something that we have to keep going. But at the same time, there was a wonderful group spirit, a great group of people coming together to laugh, cry and pray, and that is what we have to remember. Friendships were made and certainly cemented this year, and these are special friendships - and ones that I truly appreciate.

A hell of a lot more happened out there...so much happened, but these are jusr a few of the highlights, and lowlights.

Special time, place and people. I will always thank EA for their love, care and zest for friendship, for one year be-friending a lonely Southwark pilgrim, and then continuing to welcome her back. I truly, truly thank you...you do not know just how much it means to me.

have been to Taize...prayed a lot, laughed a lot, sang a lot, cried a lot. will write more about my two weeks soon - just processing some of what happened when out there. it was a moving two weeks...lets just say I had a theme of comfort in sorrow throughout.
amazing place, amazing people