not happy

That is it. in these last few weeks I have felt myself drifting into glumness. I have not been myself. I dont like it. i just don't like not being happy. I feel like crying all the time. i have lost my appetite and just generally very tired a lot of the time. All in all it is not good. Why? Could be the PhD, or it just could be the fact that I am not where I want to be with my life at the moment, and I see other people are living the life that I crave.

I have had some good chats with my priest - but at the moment I am kindof talked out. I know that sounds funny, and very unlike me, but I am just talked out. I wish I could just cry to remove this feeling of wanting to cry...but even that doesnt seem to be very forthcoming...until, after I have been praying and one or two tears slowly begin to trickle down.

so yeah, generally just not very happy - but this has meant that I am throwing myself into work and analysing my data in a big way. have found some good things, but am still nowhere near the level of data collection I need to be for this PhD, with time very much running out.

I pray this improves...after nearing 5 months of not taking any medication - i really fear it may be time to go back on them - even though i really dont want to.

So the last post I wrote was when I was in Maastricht. I am back from there now! And it was an amazingly tiring conference.
My first presentation was on a Thursday afternoon - I was also chairing the session. That presentation was the dodgier of the two, as my claims were being made on very few interviews...but I got through it...I had one question from a Professor that I already know. After the session was over, someone came to introduce themselves to me. They said their name...and the penny dropped. I have read their work many time, and used it quite extensively in my lit review. For them then to say to me that they really enjoyed my presentation, it being the best in the session, and they had never thought about temporary employment in such a practical method just blew me away! I could not really believe it!

On Friday I had a day off - my boss was doing his key note and a debate which I went to, and I asked many many questions in a symposium about HRM and temporary employment, and I rehearsed my paper for Saturday a lot...and then went out for a lovely meal with Ali that evening. We had a great chat and listen, and consumed the drink of the trip - Kriek.

On Saturday was my most daunting presentation - an invited symposium in the main auditorium, sandwiched between Denise Rousseau (of psychological contract fame) and John Arnold (every occ psych student has probably got a text book of his). These two psychologists are mega high profile, and here was I, not a publication to my name (not even a PhD to my name) being invited to speak in the same symposium as them. I was nervous. But present my paper I did...and it went well. My boss said that he was proud of me, and that it was a very confident paper, with other people loving the data I was presenting. So I left EAWOP with a smile on my face, having presented two good papers and getting good feedback.

I got back late and was knackered, but had family over so could not even go to bed...and was then actually engaged in a long conversation about trauma centres!

This week at work has been people asking me about my conference debut etc, and just generally trying to get back to normal - have been kanckered post Maastricht...and my office mate submitted her PhD so that was party time for us! also I found that my PhD is changing its remit also which is quite daunting, but hopefully will be for the better...who knows?

It has been a weird time...my head and heart are being drawn in about 20 directions and I am so confused and I need some prayer for clarity - this would be helpful.