Yesterday's daily reading struck a major chord with me. It was a reading that I used to quote to someone who used to be a very good friend of mine, but someone I am no longer in touch with. In actual fact, reading that, and then looking at what has happened since - I could not do anything but cry. and not just a little weep - but a full on snotty cry. "A faithful friend is a sure shelter, whoever finds one has found a rare treasure. A faithful friend is something beyond price, there is no measuring his worth". Just so stunningly beautiful. so beautiful. and so true.

The day before i met up with two Taize friends in London, we went to a Taize prayer, and for a dinner. That was lovely, so much laughter and care. Two faithful friends.

This helped, as the Sunday before I had a mini breakdown. My family (and I do love them) have a tendency to measure your worth by your relationship status. I am the only grandchild not to be married or in a relationship - somewhat the black sheep, and I was made to feel like that a week back. It hurt - it really hurt. Maybe it is my fault that I am not in a relationship, maybe it isnt...I don't know. But i felt so unsupported so useless, that I literally just broke down.

That is why the reading got me. When I feel like that, I turn to my friends, those real friends, those real treasures...and it saddened me deeply that one is lost.

After having met with a Taize friend for a gin and tonic last night, I realised I had said that I would write about Taize in Rotterdam, but I have not...until now!
so on the 27th of december, i make my way to victoria station to meet friends, and unknown people (who had contacted me) to get the eurolines bus to rotterdam. a wine drinking ferry crossing ensued, a moody dutch coach driver, and a two hour earlier then planned arrival meant that about 12-15 very tired people from the uk landed at rotterdam central metro at 4 in the morning.
when the metro opened we made our way to the English welcome point, to be welcomed in that cheery manner by brother Matthew "oh great Zosia - you're here". we had our usual tortuous Taize welcome (when you have sat through many - they are very tortuous)we were given our host churches. I volunteered to work (having worked out that for one meal this means not having to stand in the food queue for an age), and off to the host church I travelled. On arrival - we were the first group to get there, we found out we would all be hosted by a family - it was a Praise the Lord moment. My host family this year spoke dutch and spannish - i do not speak dutch and spannish, and neither did Licy, a friend I travelled with. luckily we meet Baiba - a lithuanian english and spannish speaking girl who wanted to live with us and who had the same job as us! Our host 'Oma' looked after her granddaughter Nella - a girl we grew to love, and who I deeply missed. Nella was 14, but had the mental age of a 5 year old - she called us her sisters...she was a beautiful hearted young girl.
We got to the host house, we welcomed with delicious choco milk and croissants, set up camp, and showered. the flat was in a dodgy suburb or rotterdam, was smalll but homely - we were very happy.
we made our way to Ahoy - the place where Taize was beign held to go to our job...I was working for Steve, a taize friend of 4 years now...we had said that we would look out for each other at meal distribution, but to work for him was a bonus. food served, and job done (my job was to stop people entering the food hall the wrong way, and to make sure people did not take food out of the eating halls), and to evening prayer we went...Taize prayer with so many people - beautiful! we made our way back to the host mothers, and fell into bed - knackered.
Mornings at european meetings you spend in your host parish - we had taize morning prayer - but the pianist played the chants so fast it was so funny. after that, i realised this is where my real job would be - helping out with the music in the parish. so when the animators were having their morning meeting, I helped the pianist learn the chants at the speed they were to be played, got a few singers learning the parts, and hey presto morning prayer music improved. Aftet morning prayer, we had small sharing groups. I have to say my group this year was amazing - shared so much, and had a laugh and a giggle at the same time. After our sharing groups, we then said goodbye to Nella, and made out way to Ahoy for lunch and mid-day prayer. on the second day, i found Fr jerry from the summer, and so we sat with him for the rest of the prayers for the meeting - as he is just an amazing priest and person and was one of the people of the meeting for me. One evening prayer, Fr Jerry helped carry a disabled person to the Taize cross so they could venerate it - my meagre help was carrying the wheel chair after them). it was an incredible moving thing to see, and has us both in tears. after mid-day prayers, the various work shops begin. I went to one work shop about a lady from Rotterdam who was taken, and eventually died at Auscwitz, and on the second day i took some time out with my friend jack to explore Rotterdam a little bit (a weird city, as the majority of it was completely destroyed in the Rotterdam blitz in the second world war). Obviously, we then had our evening work which was a great place to work as everyone had to walk past you, so I got to see so many taize friends, including a very good friend of mine Koen - who I sat with and sang with through evening prayer - it is always good to see him. Having been in a summer small group with him two years ago we have kept in touch and we can talk in such depth for such a long time!
New years eve was slightly different. after mid-day prayer we had our country meeting, so we went to the church designated for english speakers to meet with dearest frere Paolo...who then got us lost on the way back to Ahoy for the afternoon prayer...this prayer was deliciously lovely as it was the festival of light service. 30,000 people praying by candlelight - you cannot beat it. tearful!
after this prayer (Nella and Oma always came to Ahoy for evening prayer) we went back to our host family for a meal that they had prepared for us (I did have to inform Oma that being a vegetarian meant that I did not eat chicken)...and then back to our host parish for the prayer vigil for peace, a prayer walk to the partnered Catholic church, for the celebration of new year! The Dutch go crazy for fireworks - unbelievably so!! I had some gin with me, started the new year by congratulating one of the hosts on their preganancy...they were not pregnant (she took it very well, and has since become a very good friend) and then splling lemonade in the church. However, all was redeemed when the UK stepped up first in the festival of nations, singing Amazing Grace, then unleashing on an unexpecting audience Lady GaGa meets Rotterdam, followed by a resounding victory for "If you're Taize and you know it".
Well fed, and well entertained, 2011 had started very well. a fire working dodging walk home, nothing could have prepared us for the tear fest that was new years day. morning prayer was great...by this time, singing and playing in the parish had muched improved, and after the service the pilgrims showed our appreciation in a marathon clapping, whooping and feet stamping session - leaving the host parish in floods of tears - and then that sets everyone else off. the pastor then adapted the reading to send us pilgrims away with a message of hope from Rotterdam. Oma and nella were so hard to say good bye to. tears everywhere. Our host church had made a buffet out of an immense amount of food, and then one by one the pilgrims left. The Uk were the last to leave, after having a version of the chant 'Let all who are thirsty' recorded, resulting in yet more tears.
We had 8 hours before our coach left...find a pub was our plan. Rotterdam central was shut!! then we found a pub with a few people inside, but doors looked. Seeing us in our pilgrim hoodies they let us in (not knowing that the number was going to grow) and we purchased drinks. It basically turned out that we had crashed a Dutch singers private new years day function for his friends and family, but they welcomed us Taize pilgrims openly, and they seranaded us when we had to leave to catch our coach!
The coach journey on the way back had limited sleep once again, but a jollier coach driver who kept us entertained...we were at the front of the coach...and we arrived back to London victoria on the 2nd January at 7am!!! A train home, and I was back...to be welcomed by my nephew matthew, and the news i could not go to bed, as there were people in it....so I waited to go to church (it being the feast of the epiphany) still wearing my pilgrim hoodie, and when I got home, I napped on the sofa, to be woken by the nephew "coca, its no nap time any more...play trains"

So that was the Taize experience for another new year!! bring on Berlin!! Rotterdam was great, but it was sad to come home to the news about Bishop Michael, and I ask if people could continue to hold him in their prayers...