a few years ago a friend who i have not seen or heard from for a while, but someone who I wonder how he is, and what he is doing, and pray for sent me a poem called "Please hear what I am not saying".

I say this because after a conversation with a close friend of mine last week, this poem came to mind. It verbalises my fears, and my insecurities, and how I am. I try to cover such feelings from people, and even God - ridiculous really, as God is the ONLY person who knows how I am feeling, and who REALLY knows who I am - even more then me. Infact, I have taken a copy of this poem to give to them when I next see them. I hope that we can go through it together. We are very similar...the part of relationships that people find so exciting - getting to know each other - I find physically nauseating as I am so scared as to what the other person is thinking of me - he thinks the same. We are both scared about the future, and we both have things we dislike about our past. I know this probably sounds like a lot of people..but there was a real insecurity and vulnerability that we both shared. We have both spoken about issues that hurt us, and in fact when I came away from the conversation I felt raw. But it was a good rawness, it was stuff that was on my chest, and really needed to be said but I had never said it, but, now it has been said, I am thinking about it, and praying so the hurt goes away...and the best thing is, I know that person is praying for me too.

So all in all, I want to thank that person who sent me the poem to begin with - I still pray for you, and hope that you are doing well. I dont even know if you read this anymore, but hey...
And, I want to say thank you to my new friend who is helping me deal with issues that I have not dealt with before, and for the prayers that I am getting from him.

I ask the people reading this if they can also pray for me...you are all stars

All I can say is that I am glad that this time in 4 weeks I will be in Taize, having that chance to really be ME, and be vulnerable, and chat to sister Liz!

not posted for a while as I have hit a huge low. Went on to my cbt website the other day, both depression and anxiety levels were severly high.

i am low yes, prayers would be much appreciated.

work is tough, relationships tough, and I am missing a lot of people right now, when a big hug, and an everything will be ok, would be much appreciated.

"and when you are comforted, as time heals all sorrows, you will be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend. You will laugh with me"

i want to laugh...but i cant.

thank you to my old boss, for just being there when I needed it today...damn you for making me cry on the train.

it has been a day and a half.

i have to start liking food again...nearly 3 weeks with reduced appetite and feeling ill when I eat is now getting to me