I had my second to last CBT session this evening - this is the first therapist that I have got on with - as I write down my thought paths, and he looks at them, we talk about them, so he gets how I think - he does not think me stupid - in fact the oposite...it may seem stupid but he understands how I think, and can see the rationality behind it. Tonight, it became very clear that i am a perfectionist, and so neurotic about it (we had a laugh about it), but I was explaining about the fact that I thought I was an inadequate perfectionist - how ironic is that! But, finally a therapist I can get on with, actually explain myself too, and somebody who I can talk openly with...
neurotic
perfectionist
misunderstood

yep thats me!

what I need to do is to catch myself when I can see that I am thinking myself as inadequate, anxious etc, and see how I can change the situation and my thoughts I am in! it is hard, but it can happen.

right now, I just also want to increase my confidence, there is someone I like, but I am scared! lol...one thing that needs work!

hey

well, I have now finished my catechist course - it has been an interesting course where I have learnt a lot...and hope to continue to learn - it has been very encouraging, and made me think a lot about my faith, my prayer and my community. James often talks about being one of the few male parents who go to church....my problem is, in my church there are so many family orientated events, or youth events (and I mean 11-18), or adult events (I mean 30+)...what is the role of the single 26 year old? where are the events/meetings for us? I have very few people in my parish my age I can talk to about my faith and my issues that I have. I am lucky in a way, in that I have made many Taize friends, and can social network with them, but it is not the same as sitting over a pint or a meal and having somebody physically there to pass you a tissue when you cry, or to watch when you are laughing so much, or just to be there so you KNOW they are there. that is my issue, and one that I am trying to deal with. I have been in contact with a few people, and am trying to find people I can pray with, because, the Lord truly knows I can do with some prayers and some help. the role of the single person in the church also needs to be addressed...I feel there is a pressure to be in a relationship (married), and to have children to continue the faith. Indeed, that is what I want, but at the moment, I am not there....but that does not mean that I dont have a role. I do, I just have to find it...with the help of mu church community.



PhD has finally been given ethics approval (well one part of it), so all I need are participants and I will be there. I have a workshop/conference type thing coming up in march - pretty important people will be there (luckily my prof will be there too), but at the moment I have no paper (this was supposed to be sent to the organisers by the end of January), but I have no data to write the paper...this could go very wrong...but as the Prof said: "I will be there in the room to protect you" (sigh of relief).



other than that, life is just going by. i am constantly tired and constantly cold...I am trying to be a support for a few special people around me, and at the same time realising that I have lost a few people that I used to get support from, but you know - life really does go on, and I really pray that things get better. as I said to somebody the other day "The Lord knows that I am angry about some things, the Lord knows that I love Him, but the Lord also knows I am waiting..." This is true.

ok...so I dont know if a counsellor is supposed to take the piss...but then again I was called one of his most synical clients! yesterday I think it was a game of who could be the biggest pedant - it was good though..I think this is the first counsellor I have got on with - because it is not the normal type of counselling - he looks at my thought patterns and how I think...yesterday it was relationship issues, and he let me have my "that is because they are men" comments but also gave me his twopence worth as well...
normal i leave those sessions a bit thoughtful...yesterday I left with a huge smile on my face, having had an absolute giggle talking about how i project my feelings onto how I think other people must feel about me, how i fear about the future, and how i catastrophise..and to think that I can laugh about this...that is how he makes me feel - he makes me laugh about it - am blessed with him.

am also a little more relaxed about the old studies as well, as i went to go a meet "the big man, the big DG", and talk about the project as new bits have been added due to government initiatives that has been in the news today...and as the DH said "this could be the making of you" - so no pressure there! i had some problems getting my head around things, but that was solved slightly today...all very interesting...so I am quite excited, but also quite scared...that is the way of the PhD.

other then that, I am having HUGE confidence issues...I have met someone who I like, but I do not know what to do...just screaming inside. man alive, it hurts...i just want something to go right for once...my confidence is just so low that I do not trust myself...scared. it is horrible...