Rotterdam for new year avec the Taize community!! wohoo! will be leaving in a few hours to meet with my dearest Licy and Charis, and potentially many others who will also be on the coach!
at 23:00 on the 31st December the prayer vigil for peace will begin, and that is how we will bring in the new year...followed by our festival of nations and a party! I am praying like anything for a host family...a nice bed, but an air mattress is packed just in case a community hall is what I get!
So hopefully good times will be had...4th year in a row now - that shows how good it is (previous years: Geneva, Brussels and Poznan!)
So I will wish you all a happy new year now! 2011 will be my year apparently! Santa failed to bring me my husband for Christmas...I am thinking he may have been delayed in the snow....
wishing you all a fabulous continuation of the Christmas season!
much love to you all
Zx

I always feel that a week before Christmas is a good time to be told by someone that even though we are beyond friendship and have a deep deep bond that they have not had with someone else, they have found someone else who could be perfect marriage material (even though they live in France, and they have actually known them for a long time), and that the man is going on mission abroad as well. I always feel that is what you need to hear to get you into that festive mood. It is what you need to be crying at work, at choir, in front of your priest...It really makes you feel so Christmassy.

What I have however learnt is to listen to work people who said I was being played the first time they met the person, and that I have gorgeous friends who ring me up at times when I most need it, who offer to give said person customer service hell, and for choir members who make me laugh, and do not mind if I turn up pissed to choir rehearsals (and a priest who does not notice, or who does not comment).

So i cant bloody wait until new year comes, when I can start out again, and find someone who does not think I am a mug, and I can choose someone who is not a prick, who will treat me like I should be treated and so i can finally be happy. the best thing is, I am going to Rotterdam with the Taize community - so I can bring in the new year praying for peace, not just in the world, but in my heart. I can celebrate a new year with many people and celebrating many nations, and with some good friends of mine.

so yes, this does all sound a bit bar-humbug. But can you blame me? timing is just great. I am trying no tears, but at the moment the even tiny things are setting me off - even writing this hurts me.

but the carol service at church should cheer me up - even if there is one carol that gets me when I sing it...oh bloody hell.
x

It is time for me to do my Papal visit update, as it has been just over a month, have done some thinking about the event, and yeah, just to give people an account of the event from my perspective.
the introduction to the event for me was a few months before the actual event as I had been chosen by my deanery to be the deanery youth co-ordinator for Bromley. So all the people in my position for Southwark diocese had a meeting at Archbishop House. We were given a training session about the day, about looking after the youth, and we talked about what we wanted to get out of the day. We also had the chance to meet and talk to Archbishop Peter Smith which was good.
In all honesty the time before the event, I hadnt given it much thought, I had been on holiday in Taize, taken some time out in Spain, and so when the week finally came and the media impact was going strong, it really hit. That week I had a meeting with the 7 youth I was looking after for the day - and they really and truly were a breath of fresh air - really excited about the day, happy they were chosen to go, and taking the opportunity to learn about their faith.

On the Saturday, I was up early for a Saturday - 5:30! I got everything together for the day and went down to my local station where I was meeting 5 of the youth - they all came on time for the train...and the other two came on at their stop also - I had them all, and we would get to the meeting point on time - good stuff. On the train I was trying to get a group photo, another passenger offered to take it for us, and seeing that we were all in our regulation Diocesan tops asked us what we were doing. The youth all looked at each other, so I said "we are going to see the Pope"...his response was "cool, have a great day. Its good to see people excited about it". I thanked him for that positive attitude, and he said that everybody was entitled to express their faith without other people having a say about it. Breathe of fresh air.
When we arrived into Victoria, I immediately bumped into a friend from another diocese which was a lot of fun, and then somebody else who recognised me from Taize. On the way down to our Diocesan meeting point I spotted a few more people I knew in other dioceses - it was lovely to bump into people I had not seen for a while, or who I just did not expect to find. When all the groups from the diocese where present, we made our way into the Cathedral Square, where we were sat near the lovely EA. We had quite a good seating spot, and we waited. It was very very cold sitting on the floor, but we dealt with it. Just before the celebration of Mass started, we had prayer outside to get us in the prayerful mmod - and we were quiet until the large screen outside the cathedral began to show images of the Pope making his way into the Cathedral - applause and cheers errupted.
The celebration of Mass was lovely, really special - a number of priests came out to distribute communion among us, and then it was the time we had all been waiting for. The Pope came out to talk to us. One diocesan youth gave a talk on behalf of us, and then the Pope spoke. To be honest it was quite hard to hear what was being said - but there was talk of finding time each day to find peace and silence to hear what God is saying to us, and listening to what God is calling us to do. When this was said, maybe I shouldnt say this - but it did remind me of the Taize philosophy and what Frere Roger has for us.
When this had ended, we were waiting for the square to empty, and I clocked Anne Widdicombe being interviewed. so when there was a lull in the crowd noise, I shouted "Anne, Good Luck on Strictly...how is the Cha Cha Cha". She looked over and saw people having a giggle and kind of pointing to me, and so she asked us all to vote for her, and then I shouted back "Give our love to Anton Du Bec" - and then we moved on.
A police escort from the Cathedral to Hyde Park occurred, where a few rubbish protestors tried to get the youth to leave the church, or tell them they were wrong to believe in God...but we just joined in with the Diocese of Northampton who were merrily singing "I you're Catholic and you know it clap your hands" - brilliant.
A collection of our picnic, our VIP passes, and then we made our way into the VIP area of hyde park. the atmosphere here was just amazing. the media has described this as similar to a Christian Glastonbury. the mood was just so happy - we were singing praise, praying, listening to the talks, meeting with friends (lots of Taize people - and seeing the EA people again was just lovely), and then all the Bishops came on. i was actually cheering for Bishop Michael of EA after the Taize experience I had, and the lovely card he sent me, and all the banners were going. Nick, who was holding the banner for my church heard me shout his name out, so he saw where I was stood.
When the Papal arrival was imminent the choir started singing some of the beautiful movements from the Messiah - moving moving music. And then the arrival - just chaos, excitement and cheering - I cannot really describe the atmosphere. What happened next just moved me to the extreme. I hyde park, 80,000 people knelt in prayer for adoration of the blessed sacrament. two Taize chants proceded the exposition, and then we all knelt in prayer. Tears flowed. Tell out my soul was the hymn being sung at the end when Nick came to find me to give me a huge hug, and my youth, who by then were calling me "mummy" were just smiling and moved by the whole thing. On the walk back to Victoria station, the youth were telling me how lucky they had felt to have been chosen for the day, that the experience was amazing, and they had never felt prayer like that before. I thanked the youth for the day - they had really made it so enjoyable for me. they were lovely, engaging, inquisitive, prayerful, joyous and just special. I was blessed to look after them - they really did make my day. At the station I met people from my Parish, and we chatted about the varying experiences, while we made our way home.
I got in late - I heard from all my youth that they had got home safely and thanking me for the day, and was very very tired.
I had a shower, a gin, some food, and then got everything I needed ready, and then headed back to church to get the coach to Birmingham.
I had no sleep on the coach - was just full of adrenaline still, and we arrived in Birmingham at about 4:30. It was at about 5:00 when we arrived at a rainy and still dark Cofton park. We set up the St James camp (we had our church banner with us), and sat and chatted to other people in the parish, and the people infront of us, who had me down as too cheery for somebody at this time of the morning. Watching the sunrise was lovely, and everything all started coming together when there was more light. At about 8, Boyce and Stanley came on to sing, and we were live on Radio 4 singing the old classics "Bread of Life" and the Magnificat. there was also a listening to the rehearsal of the choir that would be singing during the service, and then a procession of a ridiculous number of priests. I have never ever seen so many - I was just wondering who was celebrating at the various parishes that morning.
The rain stopped for the Pope's arrival. It was funny that beforehand, when it was raining and there was a blanket of unbrellas, an announcement came saying that during communion the priests would be seen as they would have an umbrella - for those of us who were awake this provided a giggle. But it had stopped raining, and there were many cheers.
The service was lovely - the beatification occurred, Pat from uni was doing the second reading, and we all had time to think and pray among about 60,000 other Catholics (I may have had a little doze during the homily - just a tiny one), but still, it was a lovely service.
At the end the rousing hymn got us all going, and we cheered even more when a husband of one of the parish members sent us a text to say that we had been spotted on BBC footage with the banner - hurrah! At the end I looked at my phone to see a missed call from James, as I had texted on my arrival asking if they had been allocated tickets, but thinking there would be no hope in finding them. However, I was wrong. With the use of our parish banner, their flag and good positioning of cameras, we spotted each other, and so i went down to see them. Having had James, Ella and the girls over for dinner just over a week before, and on their leaving said to them "see you in about a year", it was lovely to see them again. It was here I found out that Ella had juggled for the Pope - genius!
Back to the parish group - we ate our pic nics, and danced to the music coming from the stage, and having banner fun (how many situations could we get the banner photographed with), and as a parish we made our way back to the coach. Now during this time a lady who had come from my parish and I had many discussions. A few years ago I had a very teary service in church, and she came up at the end, and gave me a huge hug, chat and prayer, and I have never forgotten that simple gesture. We talked about relationships and loneliness and kind of giving up hope. She was saddened to hear that I was giving up hope on this, and was praying for me, and has continued ever since.
On the coach I cracked open a can of gin and tonic, toasted the Pope and the other parishoners who were travelling with me. We all had a laugh and a giggle and had experienced this journey together. Very very rarely do you get to see the sunrise and pray with other people in your parish, and share such a moment together. This was almost as important to me then the actual papal event - it is what I will remember and think about when I look back at the weekend.
On returning home, I was knackered, but still too excited to sleep. my little nephew was in when I got back so I had a play and a cuddle with him. I then sat down, and then all the adrenaline left, and tiredness hit. Having had no sleep since 5:30 am Saturday morning, it hit me, and at 9:30 I went to bed.

The visit was positive - very positive. I had a debrief with my kids a week later. they had all be so encouraged by it. One felt that she had never really been given the chance to publicly express her faith, and so expressing it with 3,000 other people her age was just a release for her. another had just had a brother return from 6 months duty in Afghanistan, and so had so much to be thankful for, and she had so much praise. The boys said it was something they would never forget, and had really kicked start their faith, and they all said they would not have changed the day for the world. and they all said they had gained another mum from it!

I had a great time - i really did. However, i dont know how much of it was down to the Pope being there, or how much was to do with being able to celebrate faith with so many people my age, seeing lots of friends, and spending time with people in my parish who I may not necessarily would have spent time with previously. the papal visit was the vehicle that let all this happen - but it should happen more frequently, and that is the feedback I have had from other people as well.

so there we have it - that was my papal weekend. lovely, special and fulfilling prayer wise. tiring but worth it. I would not have changed it for the world - the experience will be with me for a long long time.

I promise I will write about the Papal visit soon - I have had my debrief with the kids, I just need to do my own personal debrief...but it will be done shortly.

I am writing for a few things:

- most importantly, I would like to as for prayers for Bishop Michael of EA diocese...his health is not so good, and could do with them. Bishop Michael gave me the best prayer experience this summer in Taize, and listened to me, and welcomed me as part of EA...prayers for him would be fantastic.

- I would kind of like prayers for me. I am going through a down patch, and struggling to push my way out of it. Work is busy, moving but busy, but I am having that panic of I dont know whether I am good enough

- thirdly, another one of my closest friends is thinking about leaving to do mission for 2 years. I just dont think I can have any of my close friends go anymore. I rely on friends around me, more then people can imagine. Obviously I want them to do what they are being called to do, but I am being selfish, as I need my friends, and to be away for two years is just so upsetting.

sorry for a bleak post...

so tired - and will blog more about my weekend soon - but two days, 3 papal homilies, many friends met with, no sleep, lots of talking, lots of singing, lots of laughing, lots of praying - just amazing!
and the 7 bromley deanery youth I was in charge of - were just a pleasure! pure delights!
loved it!
"If you're Catholic and you know it, clap your hands!"

Dear Bloggers

I am going to write about my Taize experience for this year...so those who think I write too much about Taize may not want to read this post.
This year was the third year in a row that I have been to Taize for two weeks. I love going for more then one week - I find I get so much more out of the experience, and it gives time for my prayer time to develop, and more time to explore the real me without the complications of everyday life.

As with two years ago, my first week was spent with the Diocese of East Anglia, as I have many friends in that group - many of which were cemented this year through long discussions - especially regarding vocations - as one of my good friends has recently been ordained. The group is led by Bishop Micheal Evans - a Bishop who i grew to love and admire in that week - spending so much time with us - the youth, answering our questions, joining in with our jokes, and being the true shepherd - to us his sheep. One of my most powerful prayer experiences came in that week. I had a really hard day one day, and after evening prayer I had questions, anger, upset that I needed to get off my chest. So I went to talk to Bishop Michael who sits in church in the evening to hear confessions. I spoke to him about what I feel God is asking me to do with my life, the problems that I have in my diocese and parish, my loneliness, depression, self-harm and masks that I have developed over the years, and how that has had an impact on my relationship with God. He sat, listened, gave advice - told me to write to my Bishops quoting him, and when I was about to leave, he asked to pray for me. When he did, I felt a surge of love and warmth, my muscles went tingly, I felt I had lost control, and at the end without warning I just burst into tears. Not knowing what to do with myself - my legs felt heavy - I could not move, Bishop Micheal hugged me - such a grand fatherly hug - it was just a special moment - and one when I knew that the 'dirty southwarker' had been fully accepted into the East Anglia group. the week just improved from then on...We wrote a parody of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance - it becoming "Writing a Taize chant"...I ofetn find myself humming that from time to time. We were being taught about St John's Gospel in the 25-35 bible study group by Frere Emile, a brother I had last year who just personifies happiness and peace. The candle-lit service at the end of the week was tearful for my dearest friend Alicia and I, but we dealt with it, as we knew we had another week there.

My second week was when the group from my church and surrounding churches was arriving. There is now a solid core of us, with one or two new people each year - which sounds good, but there is scope for development. I was welcoming the adults on Sunday, in one of the biggest thunderstorms I have ever encountered - quite scary for somebody with a fear of thunderstorms. It was here when I welcomed a man naed Jerry from Ireland in 2 minutes - he had been there 22 times before - I am not one to patronise...and from that moment I became his favourite. As my job for the week was a welcomer - giving the chant books, and liturgy sheets at one of the doors to the church, every morning he would have saved a space for me to sit, and then give me a reassuring pat on the head when he went! It was only on the Saturday morning did I find out he was a priest, and then we had amazing chats as well! This week, I went to the 25-35 study again - it was being done by Fr Paolo this week - who came out with pearls of wisdom, such as "St Johns Gospel is like one of those nee ecological light-bulbs". But I also went to the Bible study for the second weekers, run by Frere Maxime, who started the session bu saying "I like talking about God and I like talking about food, so I am going to combine the two. And you can all understand French can't you, as you know that French is the language of God". During the week Frere Maxime spoke freely about many topics, about some of his life before becoming a brother, and some of his experiences about being a brother. When he told us about the impact of Frere Rogers death for him, it had me streaming. Frere Maxime also took us on a mini pilgrimage to a nearby town of Bray with a 12th century church...we did out bible study in the field, and les Anglais (licy and I) led the Taize chants in the church after having sung for the whole walk up! The week also was very vocation based, especially when somebody, who I had considered to be a close friend told me that becoming a mother was a waste of time, and I could do something better with my life. I discussed my vocation of motherhood with some of the brothers and some other close friends. I have a close friend who is training for the Anglican priesthood - who after evening prayer on day asked if I could go for a walk with him and a chat, as he needed to cry and needed someone to talk to. I have been in Taize with him for my last 4 times, but have never had this opportunity to talk to him so deeply. It was another special moment, and really confirmed a special relationship there, and this was confirmed when we had a leaving card for each other on our last day, and an almighty immense hug. Licy was my rock for the week, and we truly kept each other going. There were also some beautiful new chants being trialled - the English one just fills me with joy when I sing it - purely beautiful. I also met with my contact sister and had a long conversation with her about my year, how I had developed from my melt down the previous year, and what I was doing. On leaving she also gave me a beautiful card and rosary to help me continue in my spiritual development.

Daniel was also out that week. I thought this could have been awkward - but it wasnt. we found time to have our time to talk about the year and last few months, and how we were both developing in prayer and how our friendship was changing and growing, and how we can continue to help and encourage each other. I find it very easy to talk to him, and he likewise - I see a lot of me in him, and can empathise with some of what he has been through, which helps incredibly. We had a good chat by the Source and that was a good way to end the week.

Sunday Eucharist the day I left was another teary event. I always find leavign Taize quite hard - you develop a routine, you meet people, you have a greater sense of freedom, but when Fr Jerry came up to me to tell me what he thought of me, and how there was one person that always touches him in a visit, and how that was me this year - that was it - I was gone. Brother Matthew gave me a reprieve of not having to sit through this is how you welcome adults meeting as I had done it the week before, giving me time to pack my belongings and my tent, get lunch, and say goodbye to my church group before I started to welcome adults (and two people who I met last year) before getting on the coach home. I also met a few of the girls from my silent week last year which was great, and all in all had a moving two weeks.

Taize never fails to surprise me in one way or another...be it the people I meet, the laughs I have, the spiritual experiences I encounter, or seeing and actually realisng who is important to me in my life, and who it is I need...all really important findings. I had a few mutterings with a few people about going for longer next year, but this is completelt dependent on the PhD...but a month would be good. If anyone reading this, thinks I have completely lost it - I havent. but the community provides me with the support, both spiritually and mentally that sometimes I feel I lack at home.

On my return I wrote to Bishop Michael thanking him for his support and kindness during the week, only got a two days later to have a response from him. I pray for his health, and his continuing ministry, and I pray the EA diocese know just how lucky they are!

Thank you Taize

quick post - just back from an amazing two weeks in Taize - a little sleep deprive however, so am going to have a nap!
will do a Taize update soon...so mcuh happened, that i have to digest it a little first

am taking a much needed break in my upgrade document writing to do a quick update here. I dont feel too guilty as I have written just over 1,500 words so far...to the dismay of Chris my office mate!
So what to update...
well on Saturday I met Archbishop Peter, the archbishop of Southwark - as I was at his house at a meeting regarding the papal visit. I am helping out with the young of Bromley attending the event, so we were being informed of our role for the day...sounds quite interesting. now have to get in touch with my 7 youth to meet up with them, and tell them about the day.
also, had our monthly taize service, and we are still attracting new people which is amazing. this time next week, I shall be on the beloved hill. am looking forward to that beyond belief. as i said to someone today, at the moment my prayer is a little bit lonely and painful...but as I type this, I am listening to the podcast with the new jolly benedictus and that alwaysn makes me smile! the memories of last year!
what else....nothing much. went to open air opera last week - placido domingo was amazing!
finished the Karamazof brothers - frere emile will be proud. a hugely thought provoking book about faith...difficult in some places, raised a giggle in others.
right, must go back to the demographics of temporary employment! joy of joys!

I had an accident at the weekend...not an I dropped a pint of milk type accident, but more like a I fell down a flight of concrete stairs and bashed my head type accident.
the day went something like this. Saturday 5:40 am - alarm goes off, get up, showered and ready to get to London to get a train in Norwich. Get lost in Norwich trying to find the Catholic cathedral - get nice bus driver to take me to the cathedral. meet Taize friends from the East Anglian diocese, to witness Luke (now Fr Luke) get ordained into the Catholic priesthood (an amazing service...beautiful to witness). Mingle afterwards with friends,and to congratulate new priest. was just making a slow walk back to train station, when Taize Ben stops me and we go for coffee to catch up, and I wanted to hear about his first year in seminary. finally hear from Licy who has had the most horrendous journey and who arrived in Norwich 4 1/2 hours late after 8 hours of travelling, so i leave Ben to meet her at station. ben tells me a shortcut involving going through a church garden...it was a shortcut as it does not take you long to get down stairs when you fall down them. many bumps, grazes and screams later i am at the bottom of the stairs, in shock saying my head is bleeding and worried that my beautiful shoes are scuffed. 2 men saw me, one called the st johns ambulence people, the other comforted me and collected all my dropped belongings.
i then have to ring poor licy saying i maybe a little longer to meet her as i had a huge bump to my head. ben was found from cafe, and i had to persuade st johns that I was really 27. after a lot of persuassion they let me go, ben walked me to the station - i met Licy, and my train was cancelled. on returning to London, my neck was stiff and my back extremely painful (head was too I may add), and so to A&E I went. all is ok, just body and mind in shock...i was lucky that nothing was broken, and when the parable of the good samaritan was read at church the following day - it rang true.
through doctors orders i took monday off work. my head is still sore - the bump has reduced, and it is yellowy in colour - the cut is still evident. random bruises have made themselves know on legs, thighs, bum, shoulders,feet elbows, knees and hands. grazes are just beginning to clear up.
makes for an interesting weekend!
so all in all, always a drama. have been an emotional state really this week, as I kindof adjust to all events, and realise that body and mind are not that strong, Have planned a super reflective Taize service for Sunday (actually planned it before the day), and in just over a week, i will be going there for my now annual two weeks of reflection. EA will be with me for one week, st james for the other. Licy for both and Daniel for one...it will be interesting times.
am writing the document for my mini viva - actually going over all my reading that i have done is a good task, but it is taking longer to write then i first thought!
thats all for now folks
much love to you all
xx

walking 40 minutes to church and then 40 minutes home again in this heat is a little tortuous, but you do see things in amazing brilliant sunshine.
i have had the "you have to do your upgrade/mini viva" conversation with my Prof, so I am going to be doing some hefty writing of a few chapters soon - this could be fun, but isnt really going to be! i have three weeks before Taize to get a chunk written, so will work towrads that.

we are having a familial BBQ this afternoon - should be fun, will mean i get to see my adorable nephew which is always a joy!

Have had another PhD setback this week - always a joy...!

Oh well...

Church was good - Fr B has been doing some amazing sermons recently, really making me think and consider issues differently.

Now to do a little bit of work before guests come this afternoon

a few years ago a friend who i have not seen or heard from for a while, but someone who I wonder how he is, and what he is doing, and pray for sent me a poem called "Please hear what I am not saying".

I say this because after a conversation with a close friend of mine last week, this poem came to mind. It verbalises my fears, and my insecurities, and how I am. I try to cover such feelings from people, and even God - ridiculous really, as God is the ONLY person who knows how I am feeling, and who REALLY knows who I am - even more then me. Infact, I have taken a copy of this poem to give to them when I next see them. I hope that we can go through it together. We are very similar...the part of relationships that people find so exciting - getting to know each other - I find physically nauseating as I am so scared as to what the other person is thinking of me - he thinks the same. We are both scared about the future, and we both have things we dislike about our past. I know this probably sounds like a lot of people..but there was a real insecurity and vulnerability that we both shared. We have both spoken about issues that hurt us, and in fact when I came away from the conversation I felt raw. But it was a good rawness, it was stuff that was on my chest, and really needed to be said but I had never said it, but, now it has been said, I am thinking about it, and praying so the hurt goes away...and the best thing is, I know that person is praying for me too.

So all in all, I want to thank that person who sent me the poem to begin with - I still pray for you, and hope that you are doing well. I dont even know if you read this anymore, but hey...
And, I want to say thank you to my new friend who is helping me deal with issues that I have not dealt with before, and for the prayers that I am getting from him.

I ask the people reading this if they can also pray for me...you are all stars

All I can say is that I am glad that this time in 4 weeks I will be in Taize, having that chance to really be ME, and be vulnerable, and chat to sister Liz!

not posted for a while as I have hit a huge low. Went on to my cbt website the other day, both depression and anxiety levels were severly high.

i am low yes, prayers would be much appreciated.

work is tough, relationships tough, and I am missing a lot of people right now, when a big hug, and an everything will be ok, would be much appreciated.

"and when you are comforted, as time heals all sorrows, you will be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend. You will laugh with me"

i want to laugh...but i cant.

thank you to my old boss, for just being there when I needed it today...damn you for making me cry on the train.

it has been a day and a half.

i have to start liking food again...nearly 3 weeks with reduced appetite and feeling ill when I eat is now getting to me

in my last post about all the things that I have done recently that have been keeping me busy, I forgot an important event - in our parish 25 teenagers were confirmed. It was a lovely service...and my word it does make you think about your own confirmation, and the promises that we made, and the wonderful gift of the Spirit that was given to us. When the youth were making their promises, I was saying the I do's with them...I had to. I want the Lord to know that this is truly what I belive too, and how I want to be a witness.

During this last week, have also been quite busy. on Pentecost Sunday I had arranged a Taize service. After morning Mass, myself and Anne tissue papered the windows in the back of the Church to provide a stained glass window affect for the service in the evening. It was actually a really well attended service - every time we do it, we learn something new about what to do for next time, but most importantly it gives a person the time to reflect on their relationship with God. This week I registered for my two weeks with Taize in the Summer...and boy, am I looking forward to them!

Also this week I experienced my first football match at Wembley and my first England international (the same event). Someone had booked me tickets to see the match...i did not know I was going until we were on the tube there, and unfortunately I was not really dressed for the occassion, as earlier that day I had a meeting with the executive director of the hospital that my PhD is based at - so was smart! never mind...it was a ridiculously fun evening - the atmosphere was amazing...and I was very grateful for the surprise.

This week, i have been learning a lot about fears and anxieties. I have also had an incredibly low patch - I have not had one like this for a long time...so much so, that I did something I have not done for almost a year - disappointing yes, but really now learning how to trust in God. Last year a Taize brother said to me one evening that God is like an amazing bank - he keeps on giving and giving when you put your card in to take out money - but your account never goes down. so you can ask for as much as you want, and He will give it to you, but your account will remain...the other analogy that was used was the - why carry a heavy rucksack with you at all times...ask God to carry it for you, and He will - with pleasure. so I am praying that I can cast my fears and anxieties to the Lord, and that He will help me with them.

Work is still busy, and still not getting very far even if it is busy. It is rather frustrating, but just another thing for me to cast to prayer.

other than that, it is pretty much same old, same old. Although it is a bank holiday, I have some studying to do. My job i suppose is not really like a 9-5, I am always thinking that I could do a little more reading of the literature, or think up some interview schedules, code some data in N-Vivo - the list of stuff that I could be doing is infact endless. But for the time being, I am going to go back to my Dostoevsky, and see what the next installment of the Karamazov Brothers holds for me!

busy, busy, busy is what I have been

Busy trying to get work going well, and doing my annual presentation to the department of management showing our progress, development and project ideas. it went ok - i actually managed to get sympathy from the profs as a result of my lack of access (although there has been slight progression in that as well...hopefully the CEO will be on my side).

There has also been the election - i am not going to comment on that much...it will be interesting to see what happens in the next few months.

last weekend Petts Wood Festival Chorus sang Vivaldi's Gloria and other works twice in one day in aid of our local children's hospital. i am always moved by these performances, and it was a spectacular event...and some special people to me came to watch.

I have just been on an away day with work - tiring and a waste of time, but done for the year now.

this weekend, I have Russian folk singers to go and see, and our monthly Taize service to celebrate the feast of Pentecost...have to choose music and find some prayers to read.

this week also saw the first birthday of my god-daughter Joanne...happy birthday Joanne!
right, over and out

work has been pretty hard these last few weeks - i am a little lost with what I am doing, as things are changing all the time...it is all very fluid...i am striving for some stability with this.
the last Taize service at my church went really well - my priest said it was the best one yet, and he actually felt that he was in Taize...that made me happy.
we have just had a family celebration this weekend as my cousin announced that she was pregnant...i am so desperately happy for her, but wishing that it was me...
God knows how I feel, and I suppose that is what is most important.
I have had a lot of support from a few people recently which has been fabulous, and I am very thankful for that. I just pray that this will continue.
lastly, have finally had my hair cut - it been about time

and this really is final - if anyone is in south east London on the 16th May, and would like to hear Vivaldi's Gloria, and a few other pieces sung, then come and listen to Petts Wood Festival Chorus, raising money for Dumelza House Childrens Hospice...all for a good cause!

I just have to say a stupidly big thank you to work for making my birthday so lovely...just smiled all day! laughed, ate cake, made jokes, and had a never ending stream of gin and tonics all night! i like the 6 1/2 hours working: 6 hours in pub ratio! well done guys....also a huge thanks to Dan who came down to join us as well...what a good crowd came out - never ever have we had so many come out after work...wohoo! and so many people came out of their shells...even the person I mentor (yes - i know, the poor girl!)

and to everyone else who has sent me messages in various forms - i am truly grateful and humbled.

and when asked how I met a good friend of mine...and i replied with him sat next to me "oh, we met on the coach on the way back from France", the response I got was..."that sounds like a you place to meet someone...it is never ordinary is it!?!?" nope, nope it is not....but that is one of the wonders of Taize, and the great things about sharing Haribo!

it is my last day of being 26 - woop woop!
26 has been a good year....an emotional year, a tough year, but a good year. silence, prayer, cbt, phd, singing, laughing...have all happened, as well as crying, tears, fear, anxiety, realisation, but added to that has been rediscovering love, faith, learning how to trust and moments of joy!

lets hope 27 is as exciting..

I have prayers as to what I want to happen in this next year, God knows them (well of course He does), but just prayers for general development, hope and good health will be appreciated. My friends have been a huge rock for me over the last year, and God Bless you all for the support I have received.

Happy Easter Season Everyone

I hope that you are all well. I have been struck down by that dreaded viral bug that has been getting to everyone. It started during my conference in Paris, and continued onwards. The worst time was actually Easter weekend. I always find the Triduum so moving, and I was detemined to sing in thw choir for the vigil even with my temperature of 102...that was not pleasant. On Easter Sunday as with the traditional Polish ways, we had the whole family around...temperature still going, and my whole face aching...
I didnt got to work that week, under doctors orders...having been given two types of anti-biotics for sinusitis...however, i had two hospital consultants lined up to interview, so had to do them from home, and i am glad i did as they had amazing info for me.
I have been back at work this week, and reading over transcripts, and organising a few things.

I also managed to skype with some lovely people throughout this time, with some amazing catch ups...one of which informed me I may talk about Taize a little too much. Well I am going to mention it again...we did a prayer around the cross on Good Friday, with the church just in candle light - just incredibly moving. my priest asked me in the day if I could do it myself....I was not sure I would be able to, but I did. We are trying to get a Taize roadshow going for local churches to see if we can encourage anyone else between 18-30 to come.

but life is still going on, my prayer is developing, and I am reading two books at the moment, one given to me to read by my priest, the other recommended to me by a Taize brother - both immense.

and that is it really...not much else to report

today has been my body's way of telling me to stop, so I took a sick day off war, having woken up with a throbbing headache after having been in bed for 10 hours, with a cough still going and a blocked nose, I was not getting out of bed.
why...because I have not stopped.
The youth confirmation retreat went really well - i hope the kids got a lot out of it - if they didnt, then I certainly did. I cried one evening on my own after the celebration of the Eucharist and the sacrament of Reconcilliation....it was a healthy cry - i had stored so much up...anger, stress, fear, anxiety, loneliness...joy, praise, understanding, opennings....there was a lot going on I was just so confused, so just cried, a long messy cry - but man - it was truly needed. I did not want the kids to see...even singing the psalm during the Mass for them nearly got me going - the power of music is just stunning.
anyway, I went straight from that to a choir rehearsal for holy week singing. Love the little choir we have going, and we have learnt some beautiful moving music for people to contemplate on.
Which led straight to my finishing writing the slides for my presentation, listening to my interview recordings and finalising things..then Chris, my professor and I made our way to Paris to present our research on qaulity of working life, and how that fitted into our research schemes - for me how changing work patterns in the nhs are impacting upon quality of working life for staff and ultimately how this effects patient safety and service quality. there were very important profs in the room, and i was the last paper presented...after two nights of being wined and dined, and having left with a sore throat beginning, i was beginning to feel very ill...the presentation done (successfully as well), adrenaline over, on the eurostar home i felt very very ill.
Then onto the Friday...Poznan girls reunion - it was really good fun - even better if I had not been sneezing and coughing through it. This started with a taize prayer, shared meal, sleep over and fun in London town the next day...which led to a full of cold me going home to...
...babysit the nephew who was over for the weekend. We took him to palm sunday mass, then I had choir rehearsal and then in the evening a Taize service which left me voiceless!
had to go into work yesterday as I had an interview booked in, but by the end of the day - that was it - just gone - no energy left!
so today was just relax, sleeping, fluids and rest.
have an interview to do tomorrow, but the rest has hopefully done the trick now, as have choir tomorrow and then the holy week triduum!
right, that is it for now...stuff going on, stuff i need to sort out

what, a post..again...two days, two posts!

why?

well today, well this evening more correctly I was told good news....what? good news?
As you may have gathered, I have been doing a course of CBT, to help with my continual anxiety and depression. At my first session in November, I was rated severe - in fact so severe they thought I should not do the course and do some more severe psychotherapy. But my person said he saw something in me, and because to quote him "you appeared intelligent, motivated and I wanted to work with you"...so he did

Today was my last session, and my final assessment. I knew that I was doing a little better, i realised that there was some rationality behind me seeming irrationality. but my person was basically a little dumb-founded with my scores. I was still severe in one test, but not extreme severity, but was only 2 points from moderate! For my other scores, I was still clinical, but not as bad as i was before, on some of the test scores i was down 0.75. My person could not believe it - he was really surprised - especially as he had to argue a little bit to take me on!

I have to thank this person so much, he listened to my moaning, my doubts, fears, and helped me see with my thought plans that I was sometimes justified with my thought processes, and made me see my key points to where my negative thoughts could arise - this has been amazing. the best thing about him, and I told him this tonight - he did not patronise me - not one bit. he was not "the world is a happy place, and we must all dance for joy at everything" - he was realistic, allowed me to be realistic, and did not patronise me one bit - and this was key. absolute key.

so have a right to be proud. I am beginning to realise when i am on the path of the down ward spiral I can try and stop my thoughts going down that path, and get myself thinking in a positive way.

so yes...still clinical, but much less severe then I was...

Last thing I said to my person....celebratory gin! (i have not had this...)

paper was sent to the conference organisers yesterday, after only minor editting from the prof..

phone call went like this:
prof "hello zofia. I have read your paper. It was actually very good, I was very impressed"
me "you sound surprised David"
prof "well you were not selling to me, and I know you have been anxious about it, but there was nothing to be anxious about"

When meeting him to talk about the interviews i have been conducting, and to pick up said changes, he did the, we really must look at this self-confidence issue of yours and work on it. You seem to work well under pressure, maybe this is the answer (it is not by the way).

St James have finally decided the dates for this years Taize trip - the first week of August. i will already be there, as I am going for two weeks - the week before, and this week, and so will meet people there. if anyone is interested in coming, let me know, and I will see what I can do. The prayer last Friday was just so lovely, and seeing people again was just great. next week I have a reunion with the girls I met in Poznan...we are starting this with Taize prayer, a shared meal, and the hope to do a retreat style 24 hours....am muchos looking forward to it. taize stuff at St James is reallt getting there as well...we have a service every month now, and on Good Friday we wil also be doing prayer around the cross. something that really got me in my silent week was: "I am sure I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Yes I shall see the goodness of the Lord, hold firm trust in the Lord". If you cant hold firm on anything else, you sure can in the Lord.

Something else has really struck me this week as well: "If we hope for something that we have not yet got, wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25). The Lord hears my hopes, they are in His amazing creating hands....

and so, back to work, preparing presentations, and preparing to do more interviews...good stuff.

ps - if anyone is in the Petts Wood area on the 16th May, Petts Wood Festival Chorus have our annual concert - this year Vivaldi's Gloria (and a few other pieces). Money is being raised for Dumelza House - a local childrens hospice. a good way to bring the churches together.

and finally, if people have a spare 2 minutes, this weekend I am taking confirmation candidates on retreat, so they can have some focussed prayer time. Please pray they are open to the experience.

hello fellow blog readers
I hope all of you are well

this week has been hugely stressful, but i managed it. I had three days to write my first conference paper...one day i had brain freeze as i had been interviewing for data collection that day...so two days, 7,000 words later a shoddy paper was handed into my prof 5 minutes before the deadline...we shall see what he has to say about it.

but the friday improved, when I met with some beautiful people to go to a Taizé prayer around the cross with Frere Paolo. i met up with various people before going there, and when there, so many familiar faces were there it was so good to see. The prayer was beautiful...it just gave that brilliant time to reflect after a very busy week. to meet people who are so excited about prayer and Christ is just fantastic. it was a special evening, and I had good conversations afterwards, and the playing of stupid games...nearly the last train home and i was so full excitedness that I found it hard to sleep...

...which was a shame as yesterday I was doing a 10 mile sponsored walk on the Thames path to raise money to help send somebody to Lourdes with HCPT...it was a beautiful walk aross the city, and so glad that I did it...and when doing something like this, you realise how many little things in London you miss when you rush through it everyday.

today, i have a holy week choir rehearsal and a taize meet up for people in my area who have gone...and the next working week begins.

data collection for one part of the PhD has started - this is good news. I think the interviews the other day went well, but they are very draining! but should not complain, they are providing me some info...just have to get about 10 more people to agree...the project is being implemented a week later then thought, which gives me an extra week to collect data - hurrah.
had a night out with the girls last night - much needed...but has left me very very tired today, so it will be an early night. It also meant that i have not been able to work on the paper that I need to have written by Friday...never mind - will just have to continue to write it around the busy week I have this week. good stuff.

other then that, met with a lovely friend recently and had good faith chat, and they remain in my prayers as they make some decisions about their future.

not much else to report - life just goes on

I had my second to last CBT session this evening - this is the first therapist that I have got on with - as I write down my thought paths, and he looks at them, we talk about them, so he gets how I think - he does not think me stupid - in fact the oposite...it may seem stupid but he understands how I think, and can see the rationality behind it. Tonight, it became very clear that i am a perfectionist, and so neurotic about it (we had a laugh about it), but I was explaining about the fact that I thought I was an inadequate perfectionist - how ironic is that! But, finally a therapist I can get on with, actually explain myself too, and somebody who I can talk openly with...
neurotic
perfectionist
misunderstood

yep thats me!

what I need to do is to catch myself when I can see that I am thinking myself as inadequate, anxious etc, and see how I can change the situation and my thoughts I am in! it is hard, but it can happen.

right now, I just also want to increase my confidence, there is someone I like, but I am scared! lol...one thing that needs work!

hey

well, I have now finished my catechist course - it has been an interesting course where I have learnt a lot...and hope to continue to learn - it has been very encouraging, and made me think a lot about my faith, my prayer and my community. James often talks about being one of the few male parents who go to church....my problem is, in my church there are so many family orientated events, or youth events (and I mean 11-18), or adult events (I mean 30+)...what is the role of the single 26 year old? where are the events/meetings for us? I have very few people in my parish my age I can talk to about my faith and my issues that I have. I am lucky in a way, in that I have made many Taize friends, and can social network with them, but it is not the same as sitting over a pint or a meal and having somebody physically there to pass you a tissue when you cry, or to watch when you are laughing so much, or just to be there so you KNOW they are there. that is my issue, and one that I am trying to deal with. I have been in contact with a few people, and am trying to find people I can pray with, because, the Lord truly knows I can do with some prayers and some help. the role of the single person in the church also needs to be addressed...I feel there is a pressure to be in a relationship (married), and to have children to continue the faith. Indeed, that is what I want, but at the moment, I am not there....but that does not mean that I dont have a role. I do, I just have to find it...with the help of mu church community.



PhD has finally been given ethics approval (well one part of it), so all I need are participants and I will be there. I have a workshop/conference type thing coming up in march - pretty important people will be there (luckily my prof will be there too), but at the moment I have no paper (this was supposed to be sent to the organisers by the end of January), but I have no data to write the paper...this could go very wrong...but as the Prof said: "I will be there in the room to protect you" (sigh of relief).



other than that, life is just going by. i am constantly tired and constantly cold...I am trying to be a support for a few special people around me, and at the same time realising that I have lost a few people that I used to get support from, but you know - life really does go on, and I really pray that things get better. as I said to somebody the other day "The Lord knows that I am angry about some things, the Lord knows that I love Him, but the Lord also knows I am waiting..." This is true.

ok...so I dont know if a counsellor is supposed to take the piss...but then again I was called one of his most synical clients! yesterday I think it was a game of who could be the biggest pedant - it was good though..I think this is the first counsellor I have got on with - because it is not the normal type of counselling - he looks at my thought patterns and how I think...yesterday it was relationship issues, and he let me have my "that is because they are men" comments but also gave me his twopence worth as well...
normal i leave those sessions a bit thoughtful...yesterday I left with a huge smile on my face, having had an absolute giggle talking about how i project my feelings onto how I think other people must feel about me, how i fear about the future, and how i catastrophise..and to think that I can laugh about this...that is how he makes me feel - he makes me laugh about it - am blessed with him.

am also a little more relaxed about the old studies as well, as i went to go a meet "the big man, the big DG", and talk about the project as new bits have been added due to government initiatives that has been in the news today...and as the DH said "this could be the making of you" - so no pressure there! i had some problems getting my head around things, but that was solved slightly today...all very interesting...so I am quite excited, but also quite scared...that is the way of the PhD.

other then that, I am having HUGE confidence issues...I have met someone who I like, but I do not know what to do...just screaming inside. man alive, it hurts...i just want something to go right for once...my confidence is just so low that I do not trust myself...scared. it is horrible...

its after weeks like this that I wonder why doing a PhD was a good thing - it has been a very tough week in the world of study, and I can see it getting worse before it gets better. it has been 4 months since I have heard from the Trust (not for the want of trying), and so my project has stalled majorly - that is hard, when after a year all you have is a majorly elaborate literature review.
so my prof gets me another project that is seemingly very unrelated to temporary employment (very very interesting - but not related at all to the original project proposal I have), and tells me to research it and get interviews done (after getting ethics of course)...but the thing is, after a year of doing all this reading on temporary employment, I dont want to waste that...its so bloody hard I tell you. I told him that after this week and getting all the ethics applicationsn in, I want to talk to him and get a focus to the PhD, as the perfectionist control freak in me is crying loudly as I have no control as to what is going on....
we shall see what happens - but lets just say, in times that I have been alone in the office this week, of which today has been one, there have been tears, and I hate crying in the office.

other things, this week has very much been church activity orientated with doing petts wood churches together stuff, bromley deanery stuff, catechist training, and thinking about what to do for our Taize service on Sunday.

and lastly, I have a heart/head issue that is also getting me in a bit of a tizz, and that wont leave me either....

much love to you all, and I am thankful for music that has kept me going today

Happy New Year Everyone

I wanted to wait a little bit before I wrote this entry, as I didnt want to write something based on adrenaline and excitement - but something a little more composed.

As in the past two years, this year I spent the new year with the Taize community, this year in the city of Poznan, Poland. Now, for a long time I was unsure whether I was going to go - what with my anxiety bring higher then it has been for a long time, but when I managed to persuade my friend Sam to come to - that was it, I signed up and I would not be disappointing Frere Paolo who had wanted me to go.

On the 28th December we got on the coach to Poznan....it was lovely meeting up with Taize friends I had not seen for a year, others who I had not seen for a few weeks, and others who I had never met before, but a 21 hour coach journey means you get to know people went.

On the 29th we had our welcome, and then went to our Parish. Sam, Katie, Heather, Izzy and I all decided to work, but didnt realise this was going to mean we were in the same parish - but we were, and this was great. When we got to out parish - we had cake galore offered to us - just non stop cake....plate after plate after plate. Sam and I were given our host - we lived with a student called Darek - his parents and sister lived in a little village outside of Poznan...the poor 19 year old shy man, having to deal with 2 English women! We got to our house, showered, napped and then made our way to the main hall as we had to hear about what our worl involved. we helped with the decorations of the hall, lighting candles, and trying to stop people taking photos and walking in front of the decorations whilst the brothers were walking in and out of prayer. Being back in the Taize prayer environment was lovely, just what I needed - it was calming.

The days then kind of mould into one...Taize has a remarkable way of going slowly, yet quickly. the days went slowly packing so much in, but the time just goes so quickly, and before you know it, the time has gone, and its back to England. I had a lovely small group this year - we only met for two mornings, but it was a special two times - we had really good discussions about our faith, and the theme of the meeting - a thirst for Christ's love and a thirst for peace. Two things that are heavy on my mind still. I am searching for Christ's love, and am re-discovering His love for me - something that is deeply special. what a joy...re-discovering that God loves me is special. So small groups were amazing.

Another brilliant thing - of course the prayer. Having the opportunity to pray 3 times a day - although I have this everyday of course - we dont make time for it...but in Taize world, that is what the day is about. The prayer is really special - small pieces of scripture to meditate on, and then a silence...the silence is the chance for me to call to God, and for God to work in me. Yep, some prayers were tearful, for both Sam and I. See I am near says the Lord, See I make all things new - gets me quite a bit. I gets me thinking that if God could make me new, how would he make me? I was trying to explain this to Sam when she cried on me...she didnt want to change me...I want to change me.

Then there was Darek, my student! He was lovely - didnt cook (his parents cooked stuff for him and dropped it off for him to re-heat), he didnt do his clothes wasking (every week his mum would take it, wash it, and iron it), he was very shy - but I would not have had it any other way. Every evening he always offered to make us hot drinks...when he realised Taize food was not great, he got us cuppa soups to take the meeting halls so we could have a hot drink, the fridge was full for us, and he was really good to talk to about a lot of issues, in both Polish and English! His family were also amazing...they all came around on new years day for the meal with the family - and they even did veggie things for me. On our last day, we had some time spare, so the family took us to their little village house, and had cooked another meal for us - just amazing. we never went hungry, ever! they treated us as their own, and even invited us back to their house in the summer....I have to say Polish hospitality was amazing

new years eve was just smiles all the time. the prayer vigil for peace ended with a joyous chant telling us to spread the news of God, and sing for Him all over the world! we continued singing this outside, watching the amazing fireworks, and wishing everyone a happy new year! we as english attempted Auld Lang Syne (does anyone know the words), and when that finished, it was the hokey kokey, and then it was can canning to the Polish chant! hilarious. Of course I had the compulasory can of gin and tonic with me...had to start the new year with some gin...and then we had the festival of nations. In the last two years I have not done anything for this - but this year that was all about to change. The five girls (Sam and I included) became the Spice girls with a twist - we became the PEACE girls - encouraging everyone to give each other the sign of peace (I really really really want to give you peace)...and then we had a disco for ages, and ages, and it was all smiles - really we had such fun!

the Taize community has done so much for me - and getting to know the brothers more gives it that personal touch among a sea of faces...and I thank God for the community and the work they do

I love spending the new year this way...meeting people, learning about nations...praising God...can it get any better?