Am mega emotional at the moment...I know why as well, and it sucks, as I should be better then this now. This week I heard good news for many people - and of course I am over the moon for them...but a really horrible jealous part of me wishes it was me, and I want to cry. i feel so stupid for feeling like this. but it is how I feel...especially when I have found someone that I like but am far too scared to say or do anything as a result of my last few relationships. I am just too scared. Somebody sent me a lovely message today in an attempt to keep me going, and I am going to try my best to keep that in my head - but I really just feel like crying...indeed pathetic. the worst thing is, I am really happy for the people - i really and truly am, I just wish I could show it better.

in other news I am lacking motivation a little, which has not helped with the phd - so today instead of writing positive things - i have written 5 pages of issues I have with the work so far, and questions that need to be asked to resolve them...well at least that is something done.

lets hope the weekend can prove a little more fruitful...something that did make me laugh is my nephews ability to make the sign of a fish with his mouth - he is an adorable baby.

never has a week and a half outside of Taize been so consumed with Taize activity...it all went something like this...

10 days ago the coach company pulled the coach that was going to take us to the European meeting in Poznan. Frere Paolo asked myself and Katie what should we do...i was good cop bad cop in my reply, whereas Katie was completely good cop, and so we persuaded the coach company to give us an extra 10 days to find 10 people to make the coach viable to go! so many emails went out, big persuasion tactics were used, we even got the list of those registered from the coach company to see who was and wasnt on it...to my reflief I was not on it (10 days, 9 people), and I then quickly persuaded two friends to come (9 days, 7 people)...but on wednesday under the 10 days, we got our ten people - hurrah - we are off to Poznan...and a very good friend of mine is coming so there will be good times ahead I hope.



the second piece of Taize activity happened yesterday, and this was the pre-Poznan gathering at Primrose Hill - and this was lovely! we had a lovely lunch, then an introduction to Taize, I spoke about Poznan, we had a bible introduction, small group discussions, mingling over tea and coffee, and then a beautifully simple Taize service...loved it, absolutely loved it! my friend steve came from Brighton, Sophie came from Birmingham, and Nick came from my church. Of course, Katie as the second half of the Paolo named "main movers" was there, and what really made me happy was that Daniel who I met on the coach on the way back from Taize turned up so we had a good catch up - and it was nice to get encouragement face to face and not just over the e-mail! after the service, Katie and some of her friends, Steve, Daniel and I went to a drinking establishment to continue the fun, although steve daniel and I went on a mini detour trying to find somewhere to park a car! the evening finished with a hilarious tube journey with steve back to Victoria, where I had to run to get my train, and he had to get back to Brighton...this has made us even more excited by Poznan, and I ended Sunday with a smile.

Taize friends are special, as you experience a range of emotions with them, and you do not get to see them often, so when you do, it is lovely!

I am still enocuraging people to sign up for Poznan, registration closes on the 1st December...it will be soooo good!

just praying for more periods of calm this would be very nice
xx

update: have data, but full of mistakes! great!
second catechist lesson tonight - loved it last week
22 november, taize service at St Mary the Virgin Primrose Hill - come if you can! (from 1pm - until about 5:30 - lunch, bible study, small groups and service that will be candle lit)
Poznan Taize over new year - come if you can!

nothing else new...

ok, some of my friends and myself are going through some tough patches at the moment...yeah, it is not so great, but i am hanging on in there and thinking about good things. Work the last two days has been a little disappointing - i feel I have lost a lot of motivation...and i am still waiting for data so I can actually start finding things out....this does not help, but a weird way of thinking about something has helped...I will try and explain

this time two years ago - i was in what I thought back then was a great relationship...i do not really know what being in love with someone is...but if it is what I think it feels like...then I was in love with that person...it was hard to go a day without hearing from them, and i wanted to be next to him all the time, i smiled a lot, and i was happy. the person went away, and he had another girlfriend in the country he came from...that hurt...that was two years ago. I say this because I was thinking the other day when a friend was talking about her relationship woes that we as humans can be horrible to each other and lead each other on, and it is sad. Obviously it is lovely and fantastic when it all works out...and there are also MANY examples of this, but it hurts. I am way over this person now...the best advice I was given was from my priest who said that I will not ever get over what he did until I forgave him, and prayed for him - i did this, and my priest was right...well done Fr B

Now I am saying this really because on Wednesday I started a catechist course at my church...and we started at the fundamentals...God loves us, and created us in His image...He loves us. Now it struck me in Taize this summer during my week in silence that I was scared of Gods love....I am scared about disappointing God, and scared to accept His love in case I disappoint Him, and that love could have gone to someone else. Hmmm indeed. But after talking to Fr B again (he is a very good man), I am slowly getting over this issue, and getting used to the idea that God does love me - he really does. Now feeling like this is brilliant. I sometimes lie there in a low period...wishing I had someone human loving me, but then I realise that I still have Gods love, and I smile...uhuh - i smile.

The end of this is, that human relationships, and me thinking I must have disappointed a man for them to leave me, affected my relationship with God...I must have disappointed God, or if I do disappoint God then He will leave me too. But now I am re-realising Gods love for me, I also hope that this will improve my human relationships as well. There is a fear...my fear of disappointing not only comes out in education settings but relationship settings as well...I do not want to fail at another relationship, and I am too scared to go into another one (have to credit Brother Paolo for that one).

So...wrapping this up, catechist course started well, old relationship - 0, Gods love-1, and new relationships - n/a right now!

just a quick little update! The abstract I was talking about a few posts ago was accepted for the workshop! maybe by then it may be in more of a paper form, but for now it has gotton in...out of merit though I am not entirely sure, as the prof was on the accepting/rejecting committee...but never mind, my first professional abstract got me somewhere

in other news, had more nephew play today - he is just beautiful

I do not like these few days of the year... 5 years ago was one of my lowest ever points, and it still hurts..and around this time of year on following years other not so great things have happened....

but, I am starting a catechist course at church this week, so that should be really interesting, a chance for me to learn more as well!

take care all

xx