the beginning of august sees our church trip to the Taizé community, Burgundy, France. This year was no different - apart from this year, I did a week in the field when my church was there, and when they had gone home, I did a week in silence.
The week on the field was amazing...I had a lovely small group, the bible study was very well delivered (I was learning about the Farewell discourses) and the music, well it never fails to move me. And like last year, we saw a brother make a lifelong commitment to the community - just beautiful. In this week, there were also a few changes to the usual Taizé business as the Archbishops of both York and Canterbury were present, and we had a question and answer session...I only wonder how long it will take the Archbishop of Westminster to get there? would be nice to have some English Catholic representation....
The second week I was there was much harder - yes this was my week in silence. And since I have been back, I have been to the doctor who informed me this was potentially the most stupid thing that someone with anxiety and depression could do...it seems to have set me back somewhat....but the week did give me some revelation about my relationship with God - I am too scared to accept his love for fear of disappointing him, and for fear of punishment when this disappointment will inevitably happen. quite a big revelation. this will go a long way to explain my loneliness and trust issues. One thing that I have been told to remember from this week, is the basics - God loves us, and we know this, as He created us in His image. God is a forgiving God, and reaches us in ways that we did not know were possible...even if we do not think He is there, He certainly is. But the week ended with me having panic attacks, but as a result I be-friended a lovely sister, and they arranged a way for me to be able to complete my silence on the saturday. I have to say a thank you to Sisters Liz and Alicia, Frere Paulo, Frere Emile, Frere Jon, Frere Jean-Patrique and Frere Matthew, the majority of whom I may have cried on during conversations with.
I also have to thank the people on the coach journey home who made this trip easier then i thought it would be, to marcus, daniel, jonah, sarah, dave and his daughters who had me entertained when I could have just cried all the way home...the way it all just ends at victoria station is a bit weird, and I hope that you all got home safely.
I love Taizé, this year I have left on a low, not because if anything Taizé has done, but because of my illness that had time to express itself when my usual busy life represses it...that has been a tough cookie to deal with, and that is what I am trying to do now.