happy birthday mum!

you have looked after me, guided me, and loved me, and I love you too.

I hope we have given you a good meal tonight!

well, i have started an on-line guided cbt course - i have faced up to the fact that I am not well - so next step is trying to deal with it! i have had two sessions, and doing a module about challenging negative thoughts...the last thing i need is someone taking the piss out of me for going to counselling - which is exactly what my father did to me last night - and ouch that hurt.

this week had been a shocker - i had to do an informal presentation of my research...it was slated - that hurt too.
also trying to come to terms with some stuff that has happened recently - that has been tough...

but am baby sitting this arvo, so am sure my nephew will provide laughs!

Am mega emotional at the moment...I know why as well, and it sucks, as I should be better then this now. This week I heard good news for many people - and of course I am over the moon for them...but a really horrible jealous part of me wishes it was me, and I want to cry. i feel so stupid for feeling like this. but it is how I feel...especially when I have found someone that I like but am far too scared to say or do anything as a result of my last few relationships. I am just too scared. Somebody sent me a lovely message today in an attempt to keep me going, and I am going to try my best to keep that in my head - but I really just feel like crying...indeed pathetic. the worst thing is, I am really happy for the people - i really and truly am, I just wish I could show it better.

in other news I am lacking motivation a little, which has not helped with the phd - so today instead of writing positive things - i have written 5 pages of issues I have with the work so far, and questions that need to be asked to resolve them...well at least that is something done.

lets hope the weekend can prove a little more fruitful...something that did make me laugh is my nephews ability to make the sign of a fish with his mouth - he is an adorable baby.

never has a week and a half outside of Taize been so consumed with Taize activity...it all went something like this...

10 days ago the coach company pulled the coach that was going to take us to the European meeting in Poznan. Frere Paolo asked myself and Katie what should we do...i was good cop bad cop in my reply, whereas Katie was completely good cop, and so we persuaded the coach company to give us an extra 10 days to find 10 people to make the coach viable to go! so many emails went out, big persuasion tactics were used, we even got the list of those registered from the coach company to see who was and wasnt on it...to my reflief I was not on it (10 days, 9 people), and I then quickly persuaded two friends to come (9 days, 7 people)...but on wednesday under the 10 days, we got our ten people - hurrah - we are off to Poznan...and a very good friend of mine is coming so there will be good times ahead I hope.



the second piece of Taize activity happened yesterday, and this was the pre-Poznan gathering at Primrose Hill - and this was lovely! we had a lovely lunch, then an introduction to Taize, I spoke about Poznan, we had a bible introduction, small group discussions, mingling over tea and coffee, and then a beautifully simple Taize service...loved it, absolutely loved it! my friend steve came from Brighton, Sophie came from Birmingham, and Nick came from my church. Of course, Katie as the second half of the Paolo named "main movers" was there, and what really made me happy was that Daniel who I met on the coach on the way back from Taize turned up so we had a good catch up - and it was nice to get encouragement face to face and not just over the e-mail! after the service, Katie and some of her friends, Steve, Daniel and I went to a drinking establishment to continue the fun, although steve daniel and I went on a mini detour trying to find somewhere to park a car! the evening finished with a hilarious tube journey with steve back to Victoria, where I had to run to get my train, and he had to get back to Brighton...this has made us even more excited by Poznan, and I ended Sunday with a smile.

Taize friends are special, as you experience a range of emotions with them, and you do not get to see them often, so when you do, it is lovely!

I am still enocuraging people to sign up for Poznan, registration closes on the 1st December...it will be soooo good!

just praying for more periods of calm this would be very nice
xx

update: have data, but full of mistakes! great!
second catechist lesson tonight - loved it last week
22 november, taize service at St Mary the Virgin Primrose Hill - come if you can! (from 1pm - until about 5:30 - lunch, bible study, small groups and service that will be candle lit)
Poznan Taize over new year - come if you can!

nothing else new...

ok, some of my friends and myself are going through some tough patches at the moment...yeah, it is not so great, but i am hanging on in there and thinking about good things. Work the last two days has been a little disappointing - i feel I have lost a lot of motivation...and i am still waiting for data so I can actually start finding things out....this does not help, but a weird way of thinking about something has helped...I will try and explain

this time two years ago - i was in what I thought back then was a great relationship...i do not really know what being in love with someone is...but if it is what I think it feels like...then I was in love with that person...it was hard to go a day without hearing from them, and i wanted to be next to him all the time, i smiled a lot, and i was happy. the person went away, and he had another girlfriend in the country he came from...that hurt...that was two years ago. I say this because I was thinking the other day when a friend was talking about her relationship woes that we as humans can be horrible to each other and lead each other on, and it is sad. Obviously it is lovely and fantastic when it all works out...and there are also MANY examples of this, but it hurts. I am way over this person now...the best advice I was given was from my priest who said that I will not ever get over what he did until I forgave him, and prayed for him - i did this, and my priest was right...well done Fr B

Now I am saying this really because on Wednesday I started a catechist course at my church...and we started at the fundamentals...God loves us, and created us in His image...He loves us. Now it struck me in Taize this summer during my week in silence that I was scared of Gods love....I am scared about disappointing God, and scared to accept His love in case I disappoint Him, and that love could have gone to someone else. Hmmm indeed. But after talking to Fr B again (he is a very good man), I am slowly getting over this issue, and getting used to the idea that God does love me - he really does. Now feeling like this is brilliant. I sometimes lie there in a low period...wishing I had someone human loving me, but then I realise that I still have Gods love, and I smile...uhuh - i smile.

The end of this is, that human relationships, and me thinking I must have disappointed a man for them to leave me, affected my relationship with God...I must have disappointed God, or if I do disappoint God then He will leave me too. But now I am re-realising Gods love for me, I also hope that this will improve my human relationships as well. There is a fear...my fear of disappointing not only comes out in education settings but relationship settings as well...I do not want to fail at another relationship, and I am too scared to go into another one (have to credit Brother Paolo for that one).

So...wrapping this up, catechist course started well, old relationship - 0, Gods love-1, and new relationships - n/a right now!

just a quick little update! The abstract I was talking about a few posts ago was accepted for the workshop! maybe by then it may be in more of a paper form, but for now it has gotton in...out of merit though I am not entirely sure, as the prof was on the accepting/rejecting committee...but never mind, my first professional abstract got me somewhere

in other news, had more nephew play today - he is just beautiful

I do not like these few days of the year... 5 years ago was one of my lowest ever points, and it still hurts..and around this time of year on following years other not so great things have happened....

but, I am starting a catechist course at church this week, so that should be really interesting, a chance for me to learn more as well!

take care all

xx

I love my nephew dearly - he never fails to show us a new trick he has learnt...but I do not like the stomach bug that he passed on to me after baby sitting for him... not like is quite tame actually! Although today I am doing better then the previous two days - I can now eat a slice of bread and drink water...good stuff. Obviously am not going into work tomorrow, have let them know...luckily I have a lot of my work at home to be getting done.

on other notes - i forgot to mention that I have been on a mini holiday. Yep my mum and i decided to have a quick weeks getaway, and so we went to the Greek Island of Zante, in a last minute out of season deal, and it was lovely - i never thought I would have been swimming in the sea in october! The resort was so friendly, and welcoming, and the scenary beautiful! we found a lovely little cocktail bar, and we were self-catered, but we found a lovely little restaurant that allowed us to share meals (we are both small eaters, and the portions were huge). But i would recommend out of season holidays, still good weather (well it was a greek island), resort much quieter and much cheaper (£170 a person for the week, in a self catered appartment - cannot really go wrong).

The holiday was much needed - I just now need to get my strength up after this nasty nasty bug.

also, am doing some Taize promotion stuff....anyone wanting to go to Poznan this year? Have heard from Frere Paolo - he keeps passing my e-mail address to people who may be interested! but we are trying to get enough for the coach...so is anyone interested...

ps - also a pre-Poznan Taize service at St Mary the Virgin Church, Primrose Hill on the 22nd November. I am on the planning committee for this...you need to register if you want to go, so have a little look on the Taize website, more info about the day is on that!

Take care

I am writing this at work, as I have a lose end, my office mates have gone to a conference in Lisbon, and I have just finished writing an abstract discussion topic for my prof (for those interested it is on the implementation of the 48 hour working week for junior doctors, and the consequences for the quality of working life)

but, more importantly I am writing this I have something on my mind, and after the fact I have shed a few tears over this, it is still bugging me - and it shouldnt. A few days ago I had to look over some e-mails to find an address that somebody sent me - so I did a search among e-mails in my inbox - fine and dandy - I found what I was looking at eventually - but I also found stuff that has been hard to swallow. It read like this "in a few years time, I hope to be in the happy place that you will want to be in, and i will achieve this, and you wont. I will then laugh, and yes this does sound bitter"

To be honest this probably upset me even more back then, but it was just a shock to read such things...well, I am not in an altogether happy place at the moment, but I am working on that, and I may not be exactly where I want to be in some instances, but I have done/am doing other things that I never thought I would do. Most importantly, I have people who will not say such horrible things to me, and want to try and build rather then ruin me. I am just listening to the Taize podcast, and very apporpriately the chant being sung is "See I am here says the Lord, See I make all things new" This is what I need, a new state, to forget what people in the past have said to me, and concentrate on God to help me, and know that He does have some wonder for me coming up!

right, back to some work now...

ta ta for now

for everyone who knows me, they also know that my babcia is the lady i aspire to be - she inspires me, has a faith that is so strong, and a love for people that is amazing...she is a fabulous lady, grandmother, mother, and great-grandmother!
this week she turned 80! yep that is right - 80! a grand age! we gave her a surprise party on her actual evening...champers, flowers, chocolates, food...it was lovely! today we are having a whole family get together to give her celebration that she really and truly deserves.

i love my babcia - happy birthday!

So last weekend was great...I had the pleasure of seeing James and Ella, and their two beautiful girls. I have not seen James and Ella for nearly two years...that is far too long...so much had happened in those two years - let alone James and Ella having a second child! and that was my reason for going to Hull, as I had been asked to be Joannes God-mum - this was an honour.

It was just lovely - James and Ella were very hospitable - having both Melissa and I in the house! The little girls behaved so well, Leona is a smiling bundle of joy, and Joanne is just a gorgeous baby to cuddle! On saturday evening we had a meal at Ellas parents house - I will not mention the game...on his blog, James said not to mention the grain...but I feel it may have been more the grapes fault! How you managed to cycle back in that state was unbelievable!

Sunday was the day of the Baptism, another young Christian - it was a special service. It also gave me time to think about my relationship with God, and what I believe, and how I must turn to Him in times of distress and praise, and be honest in front of Him. My silence week in Taizé was not the pleasant experience I wanted it to be, but I am beginning to see some of its fruits.

After the service we went to the church hall, that we had decorated the day before, and we had some yummy food, and good mingling. The amazing cake cut (and tasted just a great as it looked), and James rushed me to the station so I could get my train, as I had to get back to London to meet my priest as I was going to see The Messiah at the Albert Hall, as part of the Proms.

It was fab to see James and Ella again...I have missed them both, but think and pray for them and their family. We spoke of uni years, and the fun we had, and the people we met. And I was able to master my Hullian "Noooo", much to James' dismay!

Thanks to you both for a lovely weekend....all we needed was Mark to be over and that would have topped a great re-union...another time...

the beginning of august sees our church trip to the Taizé community, Burgundy, France. This year was no different - apart from this year, I did a week in the field when my church was there, and when they had gone home, I did a week in silence.

The week on the field was amazing...I had a lovely small group, the bible study was very well delivered (I was learning about the Farewell discourses) and the music, well it never fails to move me. And like last year, we saw a brother make a lifelong commitment to the community - just beautiful. In this week, there were also a few changes to the usual Taizé business as the Archbishops of both York and Canterbury were present, and we had a question and answer session...I only wonder how long it will take the Archbishop of Westminster to get there? would be nice to have some English Catholic representation....

The second week I was there was much harder - yes this was my week in silence. And since I have been back, I have been to the doctor who informed me this was potentially the most stupid thing that someone with anxiety and depression could do...it seems to have set me back somewhat....but the week did give me some revelation about my relationship with God - I am too scared to accept his love for fear of disappointing him, and for fear of punishment when this disappointment will inevitably happen. quite a big revelation. this will go a long way to explain my loneliness and trust issues. One thing that I have been told to remember from this week, is the basics - God loves us, and we know this, as He created us in His image. God is a forgiving God, and reaches us in ways that we did not know were possible...even if we do not think He is there, He certainly is. But the week ended with me having panic attacks, but as a result I be-friended a lovely sister, and they arranged a way for me to be able to complete my silence on the saturday. I have to say a thank you to Sisters Liz and Alicia, Frere Paulo, Frere Emile, Frere Jon, Frere Jean-Patrique and Frere Matthew, the majority of whom I may have cried on during conversations with.

I also have to thank the people on the coach journey home who made this trip easier then i thought it would be, to marcus, daniel, jonah, sarah, dave and his daughters who had me entertained when I could have just cried all the way home...the way it all just ends at victoria station is a bit weird, and I hope that you all got home safely.

I love Taizé, this year I have left on a low, not because if anything Taizé has done, but because of my illness that had time to express itself when my usual busy life represses it...that has been a tough cookie to deal with, and that is what I am trying to do now.

ok - it has been ages since I last wrote - i apologise, I have been busy.

The Messiah went realy well - like really well...who needs failed pop-opera stars to sing for us....?!?!?!?! We raised ovber £2000 for Haris Hospice so that was awesome, and the music was just so enchanting and moving! Loved it - still find myself singing it at un-opportune moments.

Easter was great - we had a really good Easter choir going, and this was our first easter with a baby in the family as well - so that was special.

I have given my first PhD presentation - that was ok - got good feedback, apart from having poor eye contact, but I know that anyway, yes it is still something I have to work on!

I have also been commissioned to be an Extra-ordinary minster of Holy Communion at my church - it was a great commissioning service at Aylesford Priory, and felt honoured that I was nominated by people in my parish.

I am going to be going to Ascot, met up with my old work team, and have been generally studying quite hard as I have a lot to learn!

thats about it, there is bounds to be loads I have missed out, but have to get working

guys - not done this for a while, but I seem to have hit a real low. scared, anxious, tearful all the time. not sleeping greatly either. probably many things have triggered this, cannot put it down to one thing, or put a maximum on it either. please put a word in for me when you can

ps - mark will get Skype soon, I just need to get a new computer first.

It has been a long time since I last blogged - I have been doing a lot of thinking - a lot.

"Just as the day declines to evening, so often after some little pleasure my heart declines into depression. Everything seems dull, every action feels like a burden. If anyone speaks I scarcely listen. If anyone knocks, I scarcely hear. My heart is as hard as flint." (Saint Aelred of Rievaulx)

I read this, and it hit me. This perfectly describes how I often feel. It is something so very hard to put into words, when you so earnestly want something, or try for things, but it is your own body/mind that is keeping you back. It is not something you can just snap out of - my word I would love it if it was...but no. It is hard work - and so mentally and physically exhausting. In the mornings when I have to really make an effort to get going, and actually put my life into action - it is hard work. When I go through a very bad patch, I not only sink inwards but I physically get ill as well - my immune system goes. I have been ill for over three months - thankfully I am getting better now...I have suffered some amazing headaches though. Anxiety and depression is hard. I am trying though. I really am. But this, really did touch me as a good description of what it is like.

So, I have now done 7 weeks of my studies...it is tough going if I am being honest. it is solitary work, buy I am learning new things, and thinking about things in new ways, and that has to be good. It involves a lot of self motivation which sometimes it harder then other days, but I get there.

I have been spending time with my gorgeous nephew as well - I mean he is just lovely - I love him to pieces, and I long for the day when I can have a child of my own. The joy that he brings to the family when we see him is just amazing.

The church choir for Handel's Messiah is coming along - we are all working hard - this happens in 3 weeks time. No young, attractive famous tenors this year to my disappointment! no matter how much I begged my priest to get one in - nope - not this year! Money is going to our local childrens hospice, so I really do hope we get local support.

I have been heavily reliant on some friends recently, and I greatly thank them for their it seems never-ending support, and I do not thank you enough. I have had to move back home, which has been hard for me , and the support I get is great. I miss Erica in Oz loads, must stop making friends with people who live over a 24 hour flight away...its not fair!

and that is just about it - well there is probably tonnes I have forgotton, but that is enough for you all now.

just where has January gone?
well...it has involved the starting of the PhD...I have done lots of reading, anf quite (very sadly) enjoying being in a library again...it is hard reading....and I dont have an exact topic of focus yet, but that supposedly is ok according to my superviser who says to give it about 6 months! he had so much faith in me during our meeting it was quite scary...well this is why we hired you Zofia came up a lot! so yeah, that has been that,

Yesterday I went with Chris to see Chicago at the theatre- the tickets were one of my leaving presents from work - just bloody brilliant, and all that jazz! loved it! work got a thank you email this morning.

I have to stop making friends with people from the other side of the world. my housemate left the other day to go back to Oz to sort out her visa and get over glandular fever, and i miss her already. am actually moving out of the house for many reasons (econmic being one), so only a few more weeks living here - and a lot to pack up...am moving back home for a bit - just while i get settled with uni etc.

we have started out rehearsal for the Messiah - great piece of music, am loving learning it, although hard in a few places...

and that is about it

********news flash update*********

my little nephew is called Matthew

***************NEWS FLASH***************************

I am an auntie!
Congratulations to Peter and Davina and my little nephew (name still unknown). A hefty little 'un at 9 lbs and 3 oz.

Cannot wait to see him, but that is my news...

...and it is getting warmer apparently!

Happy New Year everyone!

I hope that yours has started a lot more healthily then mine....

yes I was ill in December too - but Brussels did not do much for my health, and now I am on many an anti-biotic to make me better! so much so, I had to miss the first meeting with my PhD superviser - as both are agreed that it is much better for to be healthy!

Well...why was I in Brussels - well for the Taizé european meeting of course! Geneva welcomed the year in last year, Brussels this year. once again around 40,000 young people coming together to pray is just brilliant - and a prayer vigil for peace being the best way to start in the new year. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I was not feeling so shocking - but such is the problem with illness - you just never know when it is going to strike! but just in general, I had good God time, and so that was great for me. Oh and I was also interviewed for Brussels telly and that was shown in New Years Day...good times!

Now, I am not really going to make any solid resolutions. Last year was a bit of a toughie, with Karl and Ben issues, losing a job etc...but it also had good points including moving house and making a fab friend in my new housemate, good church stuff, two fabulous weeks in Taizé, and at the end of the year finding out that I was going to start a PhD in a field I am excited in. but the general things such as keeping fit and being healthy is in there, finding good prayer time, and just generally wanting to get on with my new studies and understand what I will be doing over the next three years!

Leaving work was hard - I cried quite a bit - I have made such special friends there and we all had good fun which was lovely, and I am sure that I will keep in touch - in fact they rang me already today!

so that is it...I am in bed trying to get better...happy new year!