I have been struck down by the dreaded cold...on Monday I was in work for 40 minutes before I was sent home, yesterday I went in for the afternoon, and I am going in for mid-morning today. It is not very nice especially as this is my last few days at work now. have got some enrolment details for my PhD now, so it is real, it is happening.

yesterday was a special night. i went to the Royal Mews children Christmas Party - it was really cool. we got to see loads of the carriages and horses, and Lizzie was there, but I completely missed her - apparently she came in for a few minutes very hidden..grr!

Tonight I am going to see Imagine This again with a group of people - before it closes down. It is a brilliant show - I just hope that I can stop coughing enough for it!

Work Christmas do tomorrow, and maybe a little leaving do before I go.

will be sad to leave work, but will be in touch with them lots.

right, time to get ready for work

it has been a while since I have blogged and a lot has continued. I have officially given in my notice - horay! 12 more days of employment as I know it...

I have been trying to get more info about my PhD and the uni I am going to be studying in - it is quite daunting to be starting out again...but it is something that I have been wanting to do for a while.

I have been to see "Imagine This" at the theatre - it was brilliant! now, please do not believe everything you read in the press about this show - it was fabulous! It was a play about hope and had me in tears - just fabulous - a musical about the Warsaw Ghetto is not meant to work - bt this one really does - go see it if you can.

Have also been to see Sleeping Beauty at the Coliseum - I have not been to the ballet for so long, and this was something just super special to see - also an amazing night.

Have been doing a lot of choir stuff as we are doing a Christmas service, and then singing in mid-night mass, and this has been challenging but good. I am singing out of my usual range so my throat has been sore, but it is always good to learn new music - bring on the new year and the Messiah! what a challenge and a half.

and have been to an American Thanksgiving, and now the Christmas celebration season is in swing, and a few leaving drinks to go to...and maybe something quite special for Erica and I if Chris can sort it for us...we shall see.

anyways, that is enough from me for now

Hi all

I am a bit drunk when typing this - so sorry!

Why you may ask...well yesterday was just a whirlwind

as you may have gathered from my blog, there has been another job opportunity in the pipeline that would stop me from taking a bloody good salary that the internal job would give me! well yesterday this excitement was concluded...I was offered the PhD that I went for...what is that..a PhD...

Yes, for some strange reason - I decided that it would be a good idea to apply for one, and apply I did - an interview I got, and an interview I passed, and the position was offered! It is a fully funded PhD, for three years, in London, so I am quite excited..

I am in a somewhat envious position in that I have two jobs offered - went for two and got both...did not think that would happen at all...but it has. decisions will have to be made this weekend, but I think I know which one I am going to go for....

oh well!

Zx

Gott lass meine Gedanken sich sammein zu dir. Bei dir ist das Licht, du vergisst mich nicht. Bei dir ist die Hilfe, bei dir ist die Geduld. Ich verstehe deine Wege nict, aber du weisst den Weg fur mich

(Taizé chant)

Just beautiful, and kind of sums things up at the moment.

share it

everything else wise, they advertised my job at work today - a kick in the teeth...but hey win some, lose some, life goes on

It has been a stressful few weeks, which is why I have been silent. As people know, my work contract was not extended so I have been having to find a new job, and with the crisis that is going on at the moment, I was frightened about not getting a job.

That worry kindof ended this week, when I found out I had been offered the internal job that I went for. having never really been through a proper assessment centre before it was so very stressful, and I was literally stressful, but I must have done something right. The position is two levels above the one that I am currently at, and a different focus - but it looks good. It is in Steves department, but not his team, but that is a weight off my mind. I have not accepted the job yet, as I am waiting to hear about something else I have applied for, and if I get the other placement, then some decisions will have to be made....so that has reduced the worry somewhat.

otherwise, I have been a bit up and down moodwise, but I have had some lovely people here to help me through it all, and I am doing God stuff to help me too. I have thrown myself into church stuff, helping with the youth group (youth ministry training has now been completed), and tomorrow Brother Paulo from Taizé is in London, and so I am helping with that.

I have been to the Mews again which was fun, and have had various people round to tea, and Erica is back from her holiday which is just great - it is good to have her back. have fed the ducks in St James' Park a lot with work colleagues in our lunch break, and just generally trying to keep myself going...

we shall see

It has taken a while, but St James is now a Fairtrade church!

http://www.stjamespettswood.org/

it is good news....

Had a Taizé reunion meal last night - was very much fun...talking about our planned trip to Taizé next year - will do two weeks again - am ready for the week in silence, and think it would be good to do...but am looking forward for Bro Paulo coming to London, but also Taizé in Brussels this year. I get a lot of peace from Taizé music at the moment - it is so relaxing, and really helps me focus. Fr B has not put my new stuff onto the web-pages yet, about the trip this year, but that should happen soon.

stuff wise, have been very stresses, and excema on the eye-lid is not very pleasant...

have had a very busy week - was introduced to baby samuel - so so so so so so very very cute...and a good choice in name as well!

also, have been to Buck Palace, and stroked the queens horses...indeed...

other than that, have had a lazy day today as it was much needed, and also at last had a hair cut, with the hairdresser being very careful, as excema on the scalp is causing a lot of pain in the washing and the brushing of hair....

hope all is well else where...am tired, so I am signing out for the eve

xx

its been a bit of a weird month:
Housewise - Ewa moved out as her girlfriend came over from Poland and they are now living together - miss Ewa...but we gained a Daria, another Polish girl who is just as great. Sammy was kindof evicted....the boiler is broken - waiting for the gas man tomorrow, as we just want a little warmth in the house now. Since Sammy has left it has been a better house....

Jobwise - am still working, applied for a new job last week, and am doing another random application this week...the random one is potentially very exciting, but am still looking for other things...we moved head offices so I now work near Victoria, which is good, as I can do things like go to Mass, or just go and pray in Westminster Cathedral in my lunch hour, or before and after worl.

Church wise - am still going! we have been doing a youth ministry course, last session this tuesday. we are going to start a senior youth group aside from the junior one. have been challenged by a few things, but some good prayer has come of late...

me wise - still up and down...have been hit by stress headaches, and eczema...not so good. i have done a 13 k walk/run for charity (see facebook as to how to sponsor...you still can!), have purchased my first ever pair if skinny jeans....

...but it is the 10th anniversary of my gran dying...the first member of my family that I remember going to a funeral of, and the granny that I actually saw pass away. that has been on my mind, but i know she is resting in peace now...just cannot believe it has been 10 years - it is insane...

will continue getting applications written this week...and am working from home tomorrow morning so I can let the gas man in!

take care one and all

x

Today at church in the second reading, we had the phrase that often...and still does cause me a great deal of confusion, "Love your neighbour as you love yourself". Hard...why? well as many of you know, if you are regulat blog readers...I do not love myself. In fact there are many things that I despise about myself. Now, does that mean that I cannot love others? In my opinion no. I can love others - I deeply love my family (well most of the time!), and I love some of my friends dearly.

Fr B in his sermon today, said there were people out there who do not love themselves, and see nothing good about themselves, and so not have an over-riding ego, when they are the people who need one - he then went on to say, how this was sad, and that things should be done to help these people. Now, I am not saying that I need a huge ego, and that I don't have anyone to help me. But it is sad. When I see people really happy with where they are, with their life, and their body - I wish and pray that at some point I can be like that.

But this does not mean that I cannot love. In fact, this came up in Taizé, and I was so upset about it, I talked for a long time to one of the Brothers about it after an evening prayer - a very emotional talk it was as well. I will not say what I said, or what was said to me - some things have to be kept personal, but it helped. Not completely - I was told by anither friend that the hardest part for me in this was to learn to love myself...

I am missing Taizé a lot at the moment. I am missing the honesty with myself that I had when I was out there, as I had the time to think about what was going on, and work out how I actually felt about different situations. Being depressed isnt just about feeling down - its feeling helpless. useless, worthless, angry with yourself, not understanding what is going on, powerless. Different situations lead to different feelings. In normal life, I dont have time to think about things so deeply, and meditatively, and have so much prayer time - yes I should make more time, but here I dont have the time for meditation three times a day, a church 5 minutes away from my accomodation that I can walk into at whatever time of the day, and people i can talk to when i need to. so yeah, I miss it.

all in all, this piece of scripture does baffle me a little, but i am trying to get to grips with some of the interpretations that I have been given of it.

enough from my tonight

Ok, it has been a while since I last blogged...reason being Taizé.

This year, I went for two weeks, easily could have stayed for longer, but got so much out of the two weeks it was immense. Now, a lot has happened to me in the last year, a lot happened to me in the few weeks before going, so I had a lot of food for thought. This year, I went seperately from my group on the coach, but met with the lovely people from East Anglia - some of whom I knew from last year. They adopted me, and let me camp up with them! I waved in Petts Wood when they arrived on Sunday evening.

The first week I did a verse by verse bible study on the first 3 chapters of revelations - absolutely fantastic, I litter collected in the morning, partook in Dr Who lands in Taizé, and on the Saturday night candle-lit service, cried my way through a brother making his life commitment to the Community.

On the second week, I thought I was going to be very lonely, with Petts Wood and East Anglia leaving - I thought wrong. I did a Bible study for 25-35 year olds, and was part of an amazing small group, I met some lovely Irish girls, I worked in Oyak, and I had the chance to speak to many brothers about my problems, including the famous Br Paulo!

Of course, and most importantly I had loads and loads and loads of time to spend with God which was my main intention for going to Taizé...with my busy year, and life just generally spent running around, sometimes God gets pushed aside a bit - not forgotton, but certainly not given the praise that He deserves. Taizé, even though filled to the brim with people, gave me the peace I needed to spend time with God - down at the Source, or as many an evening went by, just sitting in the church. I rarely left the church before 12:30 in the morning - which meant for some tired eyes, but it did a lot for my relationship with God.

If I am being honest, the silence was hard in the first few services - getting back into Taizé worship took time, but once I was there, I had a chance to tackle questions, some very personal, that have arisen over the year. The one thing I did discover, and I am not ashamed to admit was that I was and am internally very angry with a few things, people, situations, outcomes. Instead of coping with it, I internalised it, and started to become angry with me...not only was this beginning to make me ill and not sleep, but it was not doing the self harm any good. Only when I had time to reflect as to what was going on with my life, did I realise I was angry...and the thing is, I have learnt to cover up many an emotion, this was another that was swept under the carpet - that "didn't matter". Obviously it does matter, and now needs to be worked on, but now God is there to help me. The silence gave me time to explore situations that have occurred over the last year, losing people both physically and metaphorically, deciding where to go with my job, trying to discover what God is calling me to have relationship wise, thinking about the senior youth group at church. Solutions were not found - there were no bolts of lightening, no visions, or anything like that to say the least, but there was the feeling of gaining strength to battle problems and face up to problems, and not just walk away - to stick up for myself, but most importantly, to know that God is walking with me through this all and so will be there for me.

During the two weeks I had a few chats with Brother Paulo. On my last Saturday - I was supposed to be doing my shift on OYAK, but sod that, I needed to chat with Paulo. Indeed, I bascially just cried infront of him, declaring the fact that I did not want to go home, but he gave some wise words to me, and I know that he will be praying for me, and so yeah, that was lovely.

Taizé never ceases to surprise me. How friendships can develop so quickly - how welcoming the brothers are to the young in the community, how one of the brothers can resemble Robbie Williams so strongly...

I had a great two weeks...

Since coming home, I have been busy. I sadly could not get time off work so quickly after coming back from one holiday to go to Italy to see Mark and Monica marry, but I did see Ruth and Chas marry in my parish church. I have been out with Chris and Sarah, I have been out with work, I have been to a BBQ, I have been to see the most sublime music get played at the Proms - St Johns Passion (Bach), by the Monteverdi Choir - just absolutely great....and today I had a mini Nottingham uni reunion in London.....

all in all a busy few weeks...and a busy few weeks to come.

it has been a weird few weeks for sure. The same week after I had a break-up, on that Friday I found out that even though I had received the very rarely given exceeded rating in my appraisal, I was then told that my contract was not going to get extended. Gutted. I had previously been talking to my old boss Steve about all of my options, and he said he would be truly gutted of they didnt keep me, and he is. He has been an incredible help recently in trying to lift my spirits, and has been an amazing support that I appreciate. Both he and I are genuinely very gutted. I found out today that I have got my job to the end of December (so extended for a month and a half), but after that - new year..new job....or maybe! This has opened the potential for a few things...travelling, or even more left field trying to find sponsorhip for a phd!

so my life has been very uncertain in many ways. I have however become very close to my housemate Erica, and we have recently had our Christianity tested in a few ways with another of our hoursemates which has been tense, but yeah, we are working through it.

have been doing some 'cultured' activities. i went to see the live screening of the marriage of figaro from the royal opera house to trafalgar square which was just amazing - a picnic for 8,000 people. i also went to the first night of the proms with my brother - it was amazing. i have since booked for eirca, myself, my priest, his wife and his son to see St Johns Passion by Bach (what we sang at Easter) sung by the Montiverdi Choir at one of the Proms...this time I will not embark on a relationship with the evangelist and tenor soloist! It won't get me that far. In fact in the words of Chris..."maybe your next boyfriend should not appear so much on youtube" is a step in the correct direction.

i have also been partaking in a baby shower (the next one PRBC wants to hold is mine...they will be waiting a while), karaoke, BBQ's, a cinema trip to Mammamia...

...but for the next few weeks I will be camping in Taizé in my own tent...I need this time to focus back on God, to meet new people, to get advice from people who may really help me, and just to get my life back on track before I get more upset/hurt/lost.

my holiday has officially begun...am packing listening to a variety of tunes on my compauter - I am to a little bit of hand washing, and then sleep in my king-sized bed under a solid roof for the last time in a quite a bit of time!

It has been a while since I have done it..but yesterday I did it again - I cried in church - not just a little tear - but big full on snotty crying! not intentionally, but a lot of anger and upset came to a boil late saturday night/early sunday morning. for probably the first time in a my life I stood up to a man that was not treating me so well, and although i felt crappy yesterday, i have so made the right decision and am proud of myself for doing it. a relationship of me, a man and his ego and arrogance was never going to work...ah the downfall of dating someone who had there time in the celebrity sphere and was still wishing they were in it! but i feel a lot better than i did yesterday...and I do complain about my parish, but yesterday when people I did not know came up to hug me, I was proud to be part of my parish.

i also have to say that i have been blessed with lovely housemates who looked after me in the evening, and who sent me texts of thoughts and love today...i am blessed to have another Christian in the house, and i get on with her like a house on fire, and so I really feel God has provided for me with good friends, even if a partner is more hard to come by!

All i can say is bring on my two weeks in Taizé - if there was ever a time to bring my thoughts back to God it is now

It has been a while since I have written - and the main is I have been settling into my house, and unpacking, and waiting for the landlord to fix the internet...that has now all been done, and so here I am!
Loving my new house - it has been two weeks now, the four of us get on very well, and it is just great. this weekend i tackled the jungle of our garden, and that is also looking a lot better. I had some other exciting news this weekend, but i have been asked to keep this silent for a bit, but people who i have met in person, have had to put up with a very excited me!
work has been very hard recently, not busy wise, but I have not been getting on with my boss - infact last week, my boss made me cry, and so it has been pretty tense in the office. but i am just trying to get on with my work the best that I can, and keep my head down.
a few weeks until I go to taize, and i am very excited...longer for this time, and i am also taking my own tent - should be interesting!
right, DPC minutes to type up, and a dinner to cook..had better get on!

wohoo! I have moved house! I am sharing a house with two other girls...we all moved into the empty on Saturday, and have been getting to know each other..the house is cool - i have a huge room, into which i am still unpacking, but I am getting there slowly.

the lsrc conference also went really well - like amazingly well. I was given a huge clap with flowers and chocolates at the end after all my stupidly hard work and no sleep. It was good that steve could come for some of it as well (the last day), and really enjoy it, and give me a huge hug when it had finished, and invite me round to the pub when i had sorted everything out with Greenwich afterwards. i have had eminent professors email me to personally congtratualte me for one of the best conferences they have ever been to

all in all it has been ok....

just a few issues mood wise, and stuff wise, but otherwise I am there!

Its the LSRC conference these next few days, and so these last two days have been manic! I had to deal with broken down printers...stressed bosses, and deadlines...but all has been done! I will be "Reaching Further: New Approaches to the Delivery of Legal Services" for three days....Greenwich is good! And I was called a great big bright star by my old boss...which is brilliant...it made my day. I had good Zosia loving on the emails from delegates today, so it would be nice to meet them personally after contacting them for a year!

so that is it!

moving house on saturday as well...that will be interesting!

and a little extra - we raised another £170 for Bromley Alzheimers Care on Sunday for singing at the residents association - this made me happy...I love to sing, and raising money for such a good cause as well - its just good.

I have had a happy sad week this week. I don't really want to speak about the sad, but the happy happened today - I have signed a contract to move into a house-share next weekend. This is a good move for me, as I have been becoming more miserable at home, and will give me the opportunity to meet new people as well. and for the first time ever in my life I will have a double bed - and I am very excited about that - a brand new bed as well - I will be the first to sleep on it! I have the room over looking the back garden...I will have to find a new running route though - this is important for me to do! need to keep my running up! so yeah - i will be moving in with two other girls - we are all moving in at the same time...we have never met each other, so this will be very interesting indeed.

anyways, work is very hectic, as next week, the conference I have been organising takes place, and so I will have a lot to do...and I am hoping that it all goes well.

youth mass this weekend, should be good

looking forward to Taize again this summer - i am going for longer this year

i really need to discern what God wants me to do with my life...there are some questions that I need answering...some big questions

work....something I do usually between 9:30-6:30 monday to friday...not this week. I have worked gone 7 most days, on friday I was in the office until 8, and I worked for 7 hours yesterday - yes on a Saturday...it is just wrong, and I do not get paid enough to do it, but hey ho, it has to be done.

Today, I was singing which is something that many people know I love to do...I was singing for the Petts wood residence associationb service, raising money from Bromley Alzeimers care trust. Now, most people know that dementia has effected our family greatly, and really upset me seeing my grandad deteriorate in the way that he did. It was hard listening to the talk, but it was an informative talk. It was good that Bach (when we sang the Passion at Easter) raised £2000 for them, and I hope the selling of the CD and the collection today also raise a lot of money for the trust and the cause, as it is well deserved. The singing went down really well, and I was happy with that...with only 3 altos - we sang well!

Now, i may have trouble attracting eligible men, but old ladies are a different matter...the number of elderly ladies that talked to me after the service today was silly. The number of times I was told I would make a good wife/daughter in law/mother (?), and how they would like a grand-daughter like me was silly, verging on embaressing. I know that many of them are lonley, and I do chat to them, but some of their statements do make me laugh. It was good as always having a chat with Chris and Sarah who help me put things into perspective, and have become dear friends recently...and yes it is true what Sarah says - life is not always easy and we muct battle on...well battle on I will try and do, but it is hard at the moment...

may have some good news soon, but I really don't want to jinx it.

am tired, and a bit stressed. but trying to remain positive - it is hard sometimes though.

this week my average time of leaving the office, I guess would be 7...I am not enjoying my 9 hours in the office - i have some very tight deadlines for the conference that I am organising, but hey...hopefully it will all be worth it...this time in two weeks we will be at the conference banquet.

today i have also re-started my running. last year i was beginning to be able to do some good distances, and i am trying to get better, and improve my health, physically and mentally, and so I am starting my running again. I really enjoyed it, but I have seen a decline in my stamina, and do that needs to be improved again....my next aim is to run more often and improve that

it helped me tonight as i was particularly stressed...i was invited to the pub...but i decided to do some pro-active rather then drink my sorrows...have i turned a leaf? I don't know...not really when i go to bed teary, but hopefully the running will help that

i am currently suffering from a little bit of insomnia which is not very good - it is making me tired and tearful, and i don't like it, and would rather wish it would go away so that I could actually get one night of decent sleep. Life is hard at the moment - my mood seems to be the lowest it has been for a long time, I am teary, and just have no energy to do the simplest of tasks, which is just not like me. I am becoming increasingly apathetic about everything, and I don't want to be like this. Work is becoming something of a chore rather than something I used to really enjoy. I has a little smile on my face for a bit yesterday when the choir reformed again, but apart from that, I am becoming more insular, internalising things, and just generally feeling shit.

I really need to sleep.

well, work got me very stressed this week - so stressed in fact that I have been averaging about 3 hours a sleep a night, and am losing my appetite. On one day this week, I survived a day on a carrot, a stick of celery and chunk of cucumber and a slice of bread...not the best I know. My mood is dropping at a great rate. Nigel noticed, and so he invited me to Cambridge this weekend...I went up after work last night (which was real good, as I found out a few days earlier from Ben, that he was singing then too - so we went to go and see him - he was v surprised to see me, and I got a big hug). Nigel and his partner Julia did a brilliant de-stress job for me...we had many a cocktail, then some wine, then got a take-away curry, and had some great chats. This morning they took me out in Cambridge to see some of the colleges, we had some great hot chocolates, and then we met up with the head of the LSRC who is on career-break and went to Zizzi's for some yummy food. Nigel then kindly drove me back to the station, where I then made my way to church as I had been asked to appear at the welcome new members of parish evening.

on thursday at out church, 49 young people got confirmed - it was a beautiful evening, and I cried a lot of the way through the service...seeing them all get confirmed really strengthened my idea of a re-dedication service, and Fr B is really helping me with this. The Bishops homily was spot on, Jeremiah 29:11, something really helping me in a lot of situations at the moment. there is something about singing venne sancte spiritus that gets me every time, and makes me hugely excited about going to Taizé again this summer - a great place for everyone to go, whether they are happy with their faith or not (or not even religious at all). It helped me incredibly last year, and I am thinking about going for 2 weeks this year, so I can really build upon some new things happening with me at the moment.

On wednesday I met up with Ben after his opera school, fell asleep in his flat on his couch, and so that was a very strange thursday morning/during the night, when I did not recognise where i was when i woke up! very strange...but he was very sweet about it - thankfully. It is not something that I hope to make a habit of...the shower was rubbish in the morning!

I am also flat hunting/flat-share hunting as I am getting stressed at home, becomineg more insular, and not happy.

so it is all rather busy at the moment, and i am tired. Fr B is being very supportive, a fact that I am very happy about, and he is going to help me with the senior youth group when we start it soon, to keep those who have just been confirmed interested in the church still

short post
Have been very tired...work has been super stressful, just so much to do, it seems never ending...
also, have been doing loads of reading...flat hunting....sorting out my finances....church stuff.

just been having a lot of stuff to do, have been stressed, and having stress reactions, but all is improving!
and good weather too!

take care, hope your weeks are going well

i am glad that the sun has decided to show itself...about time.
I was talking to a friend of mine who works in mental health the other day, and she said something that has got me thinking, and I have been doing some internet research, and it has got me a little upset/concerned you may say. just another thing to think about.

work is super busy, I will be so glad when the conference I am organising is done...I have been working on it for over a year now, so it all should run smoothly - my boss seems to think that I am organising it well...i can cover things up quite easily.

continuous headaches and tiredness just seem to be the norm at the moment...plus doing lots of church stuff...which is fun but tiring.

Got the CDs of the SJP we did this weekend - it is quite funny listening to it again...am very much looking forward to hear Bens reaction to it. According to Ben, I speak nasally, and he should know because (as he was saying this, his head was exploding) he is a voice expert - oh la-de-dah! and what did he offer to get me for my birthday....speech therapy. cheeky bastard...apparently I will get a good teacher...guess who that will be!

another evening, another concert - it was very good...and luckily another free ticket! hurrah! ben sang great again...he was quite pleased with how it went...but witnessing groupies at work is something so scary...was quite funny walking very fast away afterwards to try a lose them...a nice meal was had after...including sword fights with chop-sticks, thumb wars and laughing happened. being childish is good fun....

anyways, am quite tired, and must sleep!

so it has been just over a week...a lot has happened
I have turned 25! i spent a quiet eve with my family - going out for a meal, and having a good drink! that was really pleasant...work were lovely as per usual, and I have been meeting up for drinks with other people, to have a quick celebration, but more of a natter really.

i have been down to brighton on an away day with work...we went down on wednesday afternoon after a morning in the office, and came back on thursday evening, after a 7 hour team meeting (which i only dozed off in once). we got a lot discussed, has a good meal, played with Marisol's children (I played a trumpet), stayed in a great hotel and did a lot of laughing

at the weekend i helped at a confirmandi youth ministry weekend, with 30 of the children who will be confirmed in two weeks time. this was tiring but worthwhile, and it was a nice sunny day that helped (however, I was disturbed by many comments)...after i walked over to daves to have a chat, and then went to sit in a nice beer garden with Chris, Sarah and Dave to chat and joke...

sunday was church, followed by the near purchasing of our SJP performance CD, but I did not have enough cash, and they did not accept cards - i had to reserve two, as ben wants one, and one he shall have, having sung most of it for us! the rest of the afternoon was spent, napping, listening to music and sorting out photos

Monday - was work again - i was kanckered but had lots to do, and luckily as the office was very quiet - i got lots done. i have also made some plans for friday that I am quite happy about which should be good fun. i also finished another Austen - Mansfield Park - and it was an excellent book...love Austen with a passion. the eve finishhed with a flurry of texts, a listen to Nick Drake and quite a sleepless night.

today, hilarities in the office ensued, work was busy, but i still had fun...and have had a relaxing eve as the end of the week is busier then the beginning, but I am quite excited by it all.

well, that has condensed it all slightly, but hey - take care all of you
xx

Update: Concert good - choir good, soloists good, music good! so all in all I had a good evening. went out for a few drinks after which was nice, and ended up going home with a bouquet of flowers that are now in the lounge! am glad that a ticket was reserved for me, as it was a really good spot, near the front and in the middle, so I had a good view...it was just a good evening all round.

with my impending turning of age this week - i am making a concerted effort to become more cultural and grown up - so today i am going to a choral concert in Sy Johns, Smith square...btu my day has just got better, as I have just been left a message that a ticket has been purchased for me, and I just have to ask for it when i turn up! good news indeed! and just for clarification...does my voicemail sound like i have swallowed a tank of helium?

and I am going to Brighton on a work away day this week..so my effort to become more cultural may have a day off, as Nigel is planning an evening of fun! oh yeah!

Saturday was a bit of a disappointment in Zosia world - I tidied my room, and did a lot of reading, and in the evening was doing some long distance consoling for somebody who thought they were unable to run the marathon...

However, Sunday was a lot better. I was awoken by an early text message - with good news, that my friend could run the marathon after all - they would let him register for his number that morning. I was always going to watch it as I knew 4 people running this year...and so up to town in a more jubilant mood. I got a really good spot - right at the front at 400 m to go...I saw the wheelchair race end, I saw the elite men and women....I saw Gordon Ramsey...I saw Will, then later I saw Jonathan, and them much later I saw Ben, I didnt see Tim! Jon heard my cheer (I have a good pair of lungs to get heard over the rest of the crowd)...Ben didnt hear my cheer I dont think, but he was smiling through the pain...to think he was singing in a concert last night also...

It was an amazing day, so motivating...makes me want to try and apply for next year, and also has motivated me to take up my running again for certain. Cheering people on was great fun, and watching other runners motivate other runners was really good. these people tested themselves and raised thousands for charity - it was incredibly humbling even. I chatted to people to the left and right to me, let people share my umbrella, and was offered many a mint humbug by elderly ladies!

I was also on phone contact with Nigel from work who was trying to spot me on the telly, and telling me who was where and to spot them - this was funny.

so, i am going to take up my training again, and see what happens, who knows it may improve my mood.

yeah, and today, back to work...but now I am watching one of my favourite dvds to cheer myself up, as something has happened today that upset me incredibly....oh well....

this week has been quite emotional for me. Over the past few months stuff has happened to me, and I have been keeping it quiet from someone important - until this week, when I told them. and just as I thought, they were great about it, let me cry about it, and just still be there for me, and for that I am very thankful. what a dear friend they have become, and I am so happy for that - when i have lost all faith in myself, they have been there...but they respect me, and I thank them for that most of all. I dont like being played like a fool, so yeah...it has made me subdued, as I have been having to face up to realisations, and it has involved a lot of tears and still is causing a lot of pain...

...and on top of that work has been super stressful, but also, great. my team look after me, and treat me well, and today, not for the first time, I was called their ray of sunshine - even when i was having a bad day. i love my team...

and yeah, i have a few friends running the marathon this weekend- good luck to you all, and i will be there to cheer you on, and hopefully see you at the end.

hello
well, this year I managed the Easter Tridium, no ambulance trip into a &e this good friday! it was very good to have made it, and what a remembrance of what we actually believe in. I was reading at the Sunday service, so i went to that too! the week at work has been busy and chilled all at once, but lots of laughs so that is good. The conference planning is coming along well, and yeah.
in zosia world, well things are going on...some good some bad, and am in a process of double guessing things which is really hard, and so I am turning to God a lot, which is good to be sure, but I dont want to be double guessing things.
so, yeah, normality proceeds then

good news! my presentation went really well. people have already emailed us, asking for our presentation to be sent to them, and also wanting to cite our work (although it hasnt officially been published yet, due to its controversial nature, and the need for a follow up). So it was good. The bad thing was I was out of my depth, as I know nothing about law...so when it came to the conference dinner (in Manchester Town Hall - was very posh), I was happy when I was seated near the band, as they were on my level, and very friendly, and, later I went out into Manchester with them!

My journey up to Manchester was awful, my journey back to the office was much better - i did all I had to do, then went home to Washing of the feet Mass, and today, I have just come back from Good Friday Mass, and it is now raining like it hasd not rained before for a long time - lovely!

Very exciting things are happening at the moment...but as per usual a bank holiday weekend - the cold comes...as someone told me...its your bodies way of telling you that you are tired...so true!

have a blessed Easter everyone

Bach went soooo well this weekend! Just amazingly. On saturday we had the first performance in the evening, and this was also the first time we had sung it through completely with the orchestra and the soloists. And i cried...it was so moving. Bach's interpretation in St John's passion is just so good. Sunday night was however, even better...just amazing. Our choir was formed 10 weeks ago...of people who had not even sung this type of music before. The soloists could not believe it, the audience could not believe it.

I am so glad that I got involved in the project - not only did it challenge me vocally, but it also challenged me spiritually and emotionally. Being teary and trying to sing is hard. But the buzz I had when we had finished was just so incredibly amazing.

and an added bonus was that I managed to have a good long chat with our special soloist - the ex G4 man Ben, and my priest was laughing at me a lot...but then was later encouraging flirting! oh dear. But the photographer came at a good moment to get this shot:

As you can see it was a little impromptu - it was more like a come here there is a camera infront of us, shot - but I still like it.

This was 10 minutes before we went out to sing...and it was nice to see that even professionals suffer from nerves.

I want to publicly thank my priest Fr Bryan Wells for persuading me to do this, and challenge and push me in such a way. I really thank him!

just to say, Bach is going really well - our rehearsal today was really good, so there is hope for next week when we perform.

all else, this last week has been a hard week - i have been forced to talk about issues, and think back over a) in one conversation the last 10 years of my life, and b) in another conversation the last 8 months of my life...both were hard, and not very nice conversations which have left me in a little turmoil as to what to do now, next and in the future...and how to cope and even begin to understand why things have happened

lets see what this week brings up..

but here is a photo of good times:

This is Karl, Dave and I on our trip to Switzerland over the new year. Beautiful scenary, great friends, and lots of laughing happened that day...as well as snowball fights, and a good pub visit in the evening.

This was a good time...

a few more things that I had forgotton to mention. Last weekend we had family from the USof A over which was really cool (i had to leave for over 2 hours for my Bach rehearsal), but some of the family I had never even met before, including the cutest little 5 1/2 year old Lily! I absolutely LOVED being called Auntie Zosia all day - it was amazing fun. Just playing with her, and colouring in, and introducing her to all my cuddly toys...and then there was the tickling! It was so much fun...my brothers at the end of the day kept on asking just how little kids want to play with me all the time! I dont know!

obviously - there is the Bach Sy Johns passion I am involved in. If anyone who reads this lives in my area then come along - Saturday the 15th its in the URC church, and Sunday the 16th its in my Parish church. and if you want any more incentive, the main evangelist is someone who used to be in G4 - i know that doesnt sound really cool, but for a little church production - we are pretty pleased about it.

and finally - can we pray for my church...not only are we doing the Bach - but I am involved in getting a senior youth group going for when the 50 teenages get confirmed they still have some faith formation available to them, and I am also trying to get a 20's-30's eccumenical group going also. I have a lot of support from my priest who is so encouraging, but prayer is needed to help this all happen!

well, we shall see what happens....

eek!
i shall soon be presenting MY research at a professional conference - eeek! very scarry but very exciting...i say my research - i mean a co-project that i researched for and co-wrote with a member of my team at work..but yeah - all very exciting!

that's about it really. am desigining a new leaflet for work - its nearly done - we had a mini photo shoot at work today - it was bizarre but funny!

um, not much else to report at the moment...am maybe getting some church stuff underway...and the Passion of St John by Bach is coming along nicely, although it is the most challenging piece of music I have ever sung!

so, as I said, I am going to do a little blog of my little eastern european travels.
the holiday started on the friday night, with how many travels with Dave and Karl start, trying to sleep at a transport terminus...this time Luton airport. On the Saturday morning we had a very early check in and flight to Berlin....and we arrived in a tram/bus/underground strike...making the trip to our hostel difficult but not impossible. some street trampelining, and a long walk via churches later, and during a snow flurry we reached the Brandenburg gate...
several tours of the city were undertaken....including the third reich tour, the red communist tour, and a tour of the local regal town Potsdam. An evening with Esther who we met in Geneva happened - it was great, we all talked about our testimonies, a real bond. We also met with Corinna. I did some stuff on my own - like the Catholic cathedral, a bombed church in West Berlin, the Berlin Dom, and many other Berlin buildings - including the synagogue. I was mastering the German underground and over ground systems. We all went to check-point charlie, and we all walked up and down the remaining sections of the Berlin wall. The history behind berling in fascinating, it is like the city will never learn....i personally found the city quite bleak, but it was the history i admired.

an overnight coach journey, and then we arrived, once again in the very early hours of another city -Krakow - an emotional city for me...ot had been 9 years since my last visit to Poland. A mastering of the tram system, and the use of my Polish meant we arrived at the hostel safely. then an exploration of Krakow occurred, and an opportunity for me to go to Mass too. we saw the openning of the altar, and many many many other churches - every other building seemed to be a building of religious significance. we went to Wawel castle and cathedral (2 minutes away from the hostel), and a bottle of wodka later, we went out for dinner with another person we met in our hostel, and played pool, and i sustained a head injury (thanks to Karl). during our time in Poland, we went to Auschwitz and Birkenau. It was so very sad - still unbelievable as to what occurred - and the size of Birkenau is just crazy - and to think that over half of it has already been pulled down. I mean - just crazy. Standing in the gas chamber brought shivers down my spine - i mean, the number of people that lost their life in that room - it was just awful. not so much of a happy day, but a day that means that when seeing such a place, hopefully something of this scale cannot and should not happen again. that evening we met with some of Daves friends from England, who most certainly do not know how to treat a woman. Dave locked us out of our hostel (Karl and I) that evening, and no matter how much poo Karl threw at the window, he was not to be woken...so some, Krakow middle of the night, and sun-rise later, we found a bar called tequila - so what did we drink at 7 am - you guessed it! we certainly paid for it later in the salt mines....

....an overnight train journey to Prague (having met my relative at the station), and you guessed it, another early morning arrival in another city...Prague greated us with very very cold weather. we had a tour of the city, and then washed and cosied ourselves up to do more Prague discovery, before finding a yummy restaurant - and a much deserved sleep. the next day was the church, cathedral, castle of Prague, and dinner, and the last day was tv tower, mozarts residence, a dancing building and last minute eiffeling of things, before the airport, and home....to in a break of tradition, a late night arrival at Gatwick.

It was a good holiday...I was emotional for some of it...due to various things that happened before and during the holiday - but all the different histories that we heard, saw and discussed were very interesting, and the two boys were just lovely. they do have respect for a woman and i appreciated that for the whole time i was out there.

it will now be a very long time before i have a next holiday (most probably be Taizé this summer), but 4 countries in the space of a month has been good enough for me...although I do want to go further afield - india will be great, as would china, and now obviously NZ...so much i want to do and see...we shall see.

travelling unleashes something in me...a sense of discovery, not just of my surroundings, but of myself. I was surpised that I did so much stuff on mine own, and that I had the courage to speak to random people in languages i have not spoken in a long time. it gave me a sense of I can do things, but also highlighted my weaknesses, and what I really must battle with. But most importantly, it highlighted the joy that my travel Bible and prayer book can bring in times of need.

so, berlin, krakow and prague have now all been ticked off - more will be said about that soon - today's post has a special message. holiday with the boys was great - i love them both dearly as friends, which is why these last few days have been hard, as today Karl flew back out to New Zealand. I am sad. i thought that Friday was going to be my last night to say goodbye, so we went out, and Dave gave karl and I some time at the end of the night to say goodbye. we hugged, a close tight hug, and we didnt want it to end. i gave him my card, and hugged again - and before i cried infront of him, i got back into daves car when the tears came.

but then, last night, i had just out the last fork of my tea into my mouth, and a phone call happened. Chris, Sarah, dave and I were going to spend his last night with him. we went out, and he said thanks to us all for everything (i tried hard not to cry), another long hug, and a see you later, and that was it...

I heard from him from the air port this morning...he got to check in on time, and that was good news, and we are keeping in touch, and I have assured him, I am going to do all I can to get myself better.

Can we pray that he finds a job and a home in NZ, and he also finds a new church to join, where he feels welcomed, and that he uses God in all the decisions that he makes.

It just means that when i have the funds and the holiday accrued, I am just going to have to make my way to NZ, where I know that I have someone to welcome me and show me around. I will miss him as God provided him at a time when everything else was not looking so positive in my life, and we talked candidly about God, relationships and everything in between in an open manner which i really appreciated.

but, there are many more new people for me to get to know. I am doing more things with different churches so I hope to meet more new people, but hopefully not many more from the other side of the world as I hate saying goodbye to people, and especially when they live so many time zones away!

my work have very kindly given me my time off at a time when we are very busy, so i can do a mini tour of eastern europe with the boys karl and dave starting v early saturday morning, so we can have a holiday before karl very sadly returns to new zealand. it should be good, but i am sure that it will also be sad - i know that i will miss an amazing friend - he has been there for me through a lot of hard times in the last 6 months, and listened to me, and has helped me spiritually. he was the first adult I saw get baptised (have subsequently seen a few more, and think it amazing when these people commit themselves to God in such a way), and yeah - i think the people who have met him will all miss him. but it gives me the excuse to go back to NZ...but anyway - work kindly gave me the time off - even though i only gave them a weeks notice, so that we can spend this time together.

however, this week, work has been getting their moneys worth out of me...i have worked so hard, and i am so tired, but hey...

other than that, its all just plodding along.

Its been a while since i have blogged - but hey, what can you do? i have been very busy, and also very down, so not only have i not had time to write, i have not really been in the mood to either. work has been busy, which is good, as it takes my mind off my bad mood which has developed. I am mastering the happy face again at the moment, Karl and Dave are beginning to notice it though - well we spend so much time together that it is not surprising. We are going on holiday next week, as we want to show Karl a bit more of Europe before he goes back to New Zealand...a fact that we are sad about.

Last night was the good bye do for Peter, Carole (from Poverest Baptist), and informally for Karl. I was singing Simon and Garfunkel for them with the Poverest band, and I had a lot of fun doing so - they have welcomed me once more. I had a really good time, we had to do a lot of practice, but it all turned out well - my first time of singing with a microphone...

the week before Karl, Dave and I went to Cambridge for the day which was good fun, and a little road trip I enjoyed greatly. I have also joined a choir for a bit - we are going to perform Bachs Passion of St John - a very challenging piece of music indeed, but Fr Bryan seems to think we can cope with it - so go him I suppose.

I went to Newcastle with work - the furthest north I have ever been, and had a good time. Was able to stay in the Hilton which was very nice...and all in all I had a good time up there, and there was a good opportunity to network. other work things are going ok, and my office were lovely when the other week I found myself crying at my desk...

other than that, life is plodding onwards. Bromley deanary are getting their act together, and i am getting myself more involved, and yeah...I just pray i can get out of this low spot i am in at the moment....

ok
so new years was completely different this year. I was in Geneva with four of my very good friends: Karl, Dave, Fabienne and Corinna for Taize in Europe....oh and I should say with 40,000 other International Christians also! It was fantastic. Karl, Dave and I were almost arrested on the plabe out there, but Karls wonderful flirting with the air hostess (a man), we were saved! A sleepness night nursing Karls still unexplained head wound at the airport was not the best way to start the Taize experience, but with an allocated parish, and a lovely host parish, i was ready the next day! I was the allocated English reader for my parish (in a beautiful small town called Morges who were hosting 300 of us, my host mother put 10 of us in our house, I was seperated from Karl and Dave for house mothers), and small Bible studies, then off to Palexpo for the lunching, and praying and singing with 40,000 people - just amazing!

New years eve consisted of an 11-11:50 pm vigil for peace (Taize style obv), then our parish hosted a festival of nations after having fireworks over lake Geneva to bring in the new year! once again amazing! the last day of actual Taize was very tiring, and my host mother kindly let Corinna and I stay in Geneva for one more night before we headed onto Zoffingen, via Burn, and a small town called Biele, where a young Swiss couple who we met in our parish invited us for dinner.

Zoffingen is near where Fabienne lives, where we spent a many fine evening in the Golden Ox, afetr days of walking in Strangelbach, up the Alpes, or in Lucerne! Then on Sunday we made our way to Zurich to fly home, and leave Karl in a youth hostel as he was flying back on monday!

all in all a fabulous time was had...a lot of sharing of clothes, hats, gloves and scarves, food and water happened....but yeah - it was great, and i have made such close friends with these people it is a blessing, and I shall be very sad when Karl has to return to NZ, unless we all pray very hard and he gets a job offer in England...

will hopefully put photos up soon, but we have loads to go through to get the nice ones!
happy new year everyone
xxx