well, as you read on saturday, i was feeling blue...well soon after that post, it got worse. i got so down, i basically made myself ill...not sick...well i was sick, but not like that. basically i had cried so much on saturday that i gave myself a huge migraine, my head felt like it was going to explode, and my eyes felt like they were being pushed out of my head. it was because of my migraine i was ill, it wasnt pretty...and well that was saturday evening - how i love bank-holiday weekends. yesterday, my mum for the first time in me having depression for about the past 7 years, said to me the word depression, and how worried she was about it all...that must have been a bit of a breakthrough for her i swear. and today, well i have no migraine, and i havent been crying...yet, but i am still not good.

i just feel let down by myself and other people. they probably dont even know who they are, but man...i have been so mucked around by so many people in my life, that i just cant stand it anymore. it hurts too much. people who know me, know that usually i put so much effort into everything, and that includes friendship, and on many times i just feel that i get slapped in the face. well i am not taking it anymore. if people want to treat my like shit, then they should not be surprised when it comes back at them. i cant be putting 100% into trying to maintain contact, and trying to be happy, and trying to do all i can to save things i once believed was worth saving anymore. i just dont physically have the mental strength to do it. its not fair, and its impossible.

i am not the strong, happy out-going person that everbody seems to think i am. gosh no. i am so weak, feeble, so unsure of myself, my looks, my personality, constantly critising every last little piece of me that you would not believe. i worry about me, i worry about those around me. i found my diary for nottingham last year...every paragraph was at the moment i am worried about people x, y and z. my friends meen everything to me, they kee me going more than people realise...so when something is up with them, i take it on personally aswell - i guess its lucky that i never did become a counsellor - i would not be able to get up for work in the morning would i?

anyways, that is it. i am a person who suffers from depression, and at the moment, things are not going exactly the way that i planned, but i know that i have to keep on going, and trying to resolve issues, and i am going to put 100% into making me better for a change.

at the moment i seem to have entered an incredibly down phase. i have spent most of today crying - even whilst shopping, and i just cant seem to pick myself up...there are a few things making me feel like this. work is the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment - as i always seem to be cheered up by the people around me, and i get appreciated for the work that i do, and the comments that i make. on thursday i had a hugely busy day at work - i had to run from court to work, and when i got in i bumped right into steve, and usually i would stop to chat, and i really wanted to, but i had 20 minutes to eat lunch and print out the documents that i needed for a meeting i was the minute maker at..me no time to talk - shows how busy i truly was. on firday i had to do steves dirty work, as he left the office early without contacting a member of my team...he rang in from the train..."zofia, ive been a fool", was very funny! have been really into my court work at the moment, and i am changing courts for the next month, so i will have to get to know the prosecutors all over again. i had to stand up in open court the other day and explain to the court what i was really doing there...eek! it was very nerve-racking! but i managed to blag my way into staying in court...thank goodness.

so, yeah, my work is really keeping me sane at the moment...the only thing that is actually doing that. home is making me go insane...am looking on flat share websites for places i can afford...but there are not that many. i want to stay aroundish this area as i am getting more involved in my church stuff, and i dont want to leave it in the lurch now i have got stuck in.

but, man, i really need a boost in the old happy hormone at the moment, as its not looking good at the moment. in fact, its the worse i have been in a bloody age, at a time when i thought that things were getting better for me as i had been feeling so much better. i have regressed about a year i reckon. have just done a 50 minute run as i think i have put on some weight, just as i had reached my target weight as well...so more exercising is going to have to happen to me to maintain that, and lose a little bit more as i still am not happy....but almost a stone lost now, so it is coming off slowly.

not much else to add. dixie chicks playing - good tune.

Wow - i never meant to leave it this long until i blogged...here we go!
the deanary meeting went really well from my perspective - i was the feedbacker from my group, so i managed to add a few of my things too! a few priests from around the area took my name so that i can get involved in things, and my priest asked my to do a write up for the parish news letter which i duly did, and even got a mention in church too! so that was all good!

work has been going..my work remit seems to have grown, but i dont mind...i have been having a laugh with people, and steve came up last week too, and we had a good chat, and he met my new boss! he was much liked by my office - not hard really as he is so easy to get on with! court is becoming very interesting...i have prosecutors throwing info at me, just wanting to get a lot of stuff off their chest, which is brilliant for my research. today 36 cases in less than three hours - how can that be providing justice? my question exactly? one more day at thames magistrates, then i start at camberwell - i feel like a dirty women cheating on my court...i have become quite attached to thames court 7!

my weekend was good, it was dans birthday so i met up with him, and his new teacher friends (i was the only one who didnt really know people), but it was really good. i was able to mingle and fit in well, his friends, and even him were lovely, and a good time was had by all! i had to leave earlier then the others to run for my last train home, so i missed dan getting thrown out - it doesnt surprise me as he had to drink everything we got him - it wasnt pretty!

and well...things are just going on, i am having a bit of fun, and a laugh, and just plodding on....now i have to go and get some stuff ready for work tomorrow!

quick summary of the weekend as my bed time is approaching fast - it was good.
saturday i tried to get my haorcut, but booked an appointment at the hair dressers instead for next week, and so just chilled at home, until gone fourish when i got ready to go to my bros for a joseph and eurovision night - a night of campness - bloody fantastic. eurovision - well uk sang ok actually, but i had pulled out serbia in the sweepstake so i was pretty chuffed with the result...i claimed greece on the night, and they came up good too! but andy won on the claims - he claimed russia! many gin and tonics, some guitar heroes, and maltesers later, tim and i made our way back to brixtom station for the last train home!

today has also been good. we had three baptisms at church this morning - i think that these were my first baptisms i had seen - and we had some damned good hymns too - so i had a very gppd church time today, and at the end i lit a candle for little madeleine - it is so sad, and i really really hope that she is found alive. made my way home - got a bit drenched in the rain, but hey ho...watched a film - the magdelene sisters - very very sad but a brilliant film, and then went to my nans...but she was very down and sad, so it didnt put my mum and i in the best of moods.

tonight i have packed a few clothes for birmingham, as tomorrow, i am one of two people representing my parish at the diocese meeting...at 24 i am glad that i am still seen to be the representative of the youth! brilliant!

anyways, had better finish my kiwi and make my way to bed...work is going to be very busy this week!

helloo dear blog!
well, this week court has been very interesting. some cases have not been nice at all, and actually made me shiver sometimes in my seat...thankfully, i do not sit in crown courts, as i would have heard the horrid details. as a result i have had some very interesting conversations with my team, and judging people and the society that we live in. thats why i love my work...we are quite open and open to discussion, and i feel appreciated which is even better. have been doing a lot of reading at the moment - train helps. at the moment i am reading the five people you meet in heaven, but a few times, i have had to stop for nearly crying...its a very moving book, it really is.
this next week is going to be busy too..two days in court...and trip to b'ham for the annual staff conference, and i am staying overnight the night before in a hotel with a double bed....little things! hopefully i will see ady too, which will be fab.
um, not much else to say. congrats to ben on getting a job...i am glad that one has finally come for you...good luck when you start.

wow - two posts in one week - what the hell is going on?
well, i have a bit of time before some family come round in an hour or so, so i decided to do some webbing, add some songs to my radioblog, and i thought that i would update my blog too.

today at church we had a reading about barnabasm, the name meaning son of encouragement, and we were asked to think about all those who have encouraged us in different positive things. and oh my word my list seemed to be never ending, and so i thought that i would mention a few...

first - jonathan - indeed, you were right when you said that i would get this job, and all the help that you gave me in nottingham last year - thanks!

all the rest of the nottingham boys - indeed the cloister boys kept me going, and allowed me (a girl) to hang out with them - brilliant!

ben - for a person that i have only met a few times in my life you too helped me through last year. i think that both of us know that things are not nearly the same anymore, and i do kindof miss that sometimes, but it is totally understandable i guess...but hey, you were a great support to me

james and mark - my third year in exeter would not have been so fun if it wasnt for you two just making me laugh so much and being there for me for a shoulder to cry on, and save me from my manic revision schedule, and introduce me to the wonders of monkeyball!

ellie and the occ psych girls - ellie - the first english person i spoke to in nottingham - hehehehehe! thanks you for last year, swapping notes, and drinking gin, and wine soc, and stuff.

han - like ben - wow we have only met each other a few times, but the amount of laughter i do when you are around is just silly - almost wetting myself laughter - the best type. you are a special lady, and in subtle ways you encourage me in so many ways...you naughty bunny you.

lesotho team - wow the amount of encouragement i get from you guys is amazing...when i need as prayer - i know exactly who to turn to....with my unobtainable crush - you get me, and laugh it through with me, and understand what i mean...lesotho 2005 - with us forever dudes.

katy - cathsoc katy...grassu slope, biscuits, pub career sessions, avoiding goose poo - what a star.

tess, rachel, and maltese rachel - such special ladies...you guys also made my third year at exeter - how much of a good time did i have...so much fun, and you guys were such a big part.

amy and ali - the girls i lived with for so much time at uni...brilliant lovelies...love you.

fr paul...had to be there...greatest landlord fo all time!

so as you can see loads of people have given me encouragement, and this is without family, and people at work who have given me a huge boost recently....

so i have done a lot of thinking indeed...
tomorrow, museums and art galleries i think it is!
xxx

well, in this last week work has become quite hectic...i have been observing court quite a lot, and having to take notes. I am now recognised by some of the Crown Prosecutors and court clerks, who say what they think are passing comments, but are in fact very interesting and informative. but a lot of what i see a) makes me quite scared about some of the people in society and b) makes me scared about the criminal justice system and some of the workings of the court. But having said that it is very interesting. Vicky is away on fieldwork at the moment, and when she comes back we are going to start going through all our notes, and picking out themes...qualitative analysis - oh yeah! I am still making lots of report summaries to put around the commission, and maybe to the public on the website, and am doing a briefing for the commissioners of our latest work too. Ash has gone on leave so i proof read his article for him, and sent the changes for big nigel to go over...

other things...soon our diocese is doing its final towards a vision session, where five people from every catholic church go to one church for a meeting. at church last week, fr bryan told me that i was one of the chosen ones from our church! wohoo...another time to get my voice heard about how to get youth back...

in other things...well having not had my a-ds for a few days, and then going back on them again, my body has been a bit mucked up, and doesnt really know if it is coming or going. this has stressed me out a bit, it has made sleeping not very good, and has also made me a bit emotional. jonathan has been getting the train home with me which has been good, as it means i can talk things over with him....and monday lunch was a really nice time, as adrian was around, and so after giving him details as to how to get to the office, jonathan and i met him and chatted in the park for an hour for our break which was fantastic! it was so good to see him again, it had been 7 months since the last time! wohoo! that cheered me up a lot, its so good to see a good friend after a long time. anyways, am doing my best to do things to cheer myself up....dares in the office had me laughing till i nearly wet myself. i now know that i cannot eat a fairy cake from between my elbows!