hello
i am feeling a lot better now...i had a very emotional friday and saturday, but i am feeling better. saturday afternoon i had spent with babcia, we saw joseph and his technicolour dreamcoat, and we had fun beforehand, but she said some stuff that made me think, and when i got home, i thought, and thought, and yeah, it went downhill...damn thinking - its not good for me.
sunday, i went to church - much needed, had a chat with scripture after, popped to the shops, drove home, drove to my nans and drove home. my bro from madrid rang me for an age which was amazing - i love speaking to him, and so that was really good.
on monday, i picked up dave and susan and we voyaged to brommers, and we went wedding outfit shopping, as dave is off to a wedding, and so am i! i purchased a dress, and now i have two to choose from....we had a wonder and a chat, and i drove them back, arranging a time for the evening. i was in my element in the afternoon - making stuffed courgettes, cous cous salad, garlic bread and then angel delight cake for pud! dinner i should say went down a treat. dave and susan gave me empty plates in return...and we had good conversation and funness, and then drove them home, having a good God chat with Dave before letting him escape my car!
work today has been a bit of a chillsome day, but hey sometimes you get days like that!
three day week next week, and a haircut in my "lunch break"...very excited

so yeah, i still have many issues to overcome for me and God, but i now know i have some awesome support to help me
thanks guys
x

at the moment of writing this, i am in floods of tears. i have had such a hard week - work has been manic, and my emotions are going on over-drive, and at the moment i just feel so alone.
some people who are still close to me will probably know what is going on for me right now - others probably dont care. over the past year, i have had my ups and downs, but i have always tried to be the best friend i can to people - always, and just now, i feel used and it really hurts...it really does.
work provides a haven for me - somewhere i can just be professional for 9 hours, and then go home.
home becomes a stressful place
I am having God issues - i am trying to unmask, knock down barriers that i have had for almost ten years of my life, and this is so hard for me - actually now having to face what i have been putting off in my life - and it is scary and it hurts, and i am scared, and i dont know what to do.
i cant think anymore,
i guess in the future i just have to be more careful

i have had quite an emotional week this week - but hey ho - things go like that sometimes. It doesn't surprise me, as my promise to myself was to be more honest with myself and how i am feeling - so I am allowed to be down, and not cover it. It is helping...i need to get the nasty stuff out of my system. I need to get the people and the issues that are currently getting me down out of my way, so I can let the nice things in! new philosophy.

i had a lovely evening on thursday when i met a friend fo dinner - it was just what i needed - a good religion talk, and a good man problem talk. we are both having some troubles in some parts of our faith, and it is so helpful to have people to chat things through with...loved it.

have had a busy weekend, and it seems as if the dizzy/fainty spells are coming back again, as there have been a few times this weekend where I have had to stop what I have been doing to regain a bit of composure - was not liking that.
have also been doing some deanery duties today, so that should be coming along. this week is going to be a busy week, with the release of my report at work, and so we shall see how this one is taken - i cannot say too much -

have got new glasses (will be collecting them next week) - i have to wear them when using the computer...they have cost quite a bit but hopefully i will get my voucher from work to cover the vast majority of the bill - they already paid for the test - good old government! hopefully that should stop the headaches I have been getting...have to wear my old ones until nexy week though!
have a few people to be meeting with this week, keeping me very busy, some people i have not seen in a while, some i have seen recently - should be good stuff...

i am going to write a little bit more about taize - sorry if this bores people, but it has had a huge effect on me, and it is so important to me.
my taize day started at 7am...usually after a not a very much sleep as the tent was generally quite noisy. i made my way to the main site to wash, and then went to 7:30 am Catholic eucharist. that finished at 8, and then the main church was opened up for 8:15 morning prayer, that lasted until about 9. i then met up with the others, usually dave, matt and susan, and we queued up for breakfast...a bowl of hot chocolate, a bread roll and a stick of chocolate (sometimes 2 or 3 if you were lucky). after that it was chore time - cleaning the toilet block out by the church for me. then it was shower (after cleaning toilets it was needed). usually just chatted to randoms, dave, susan, and at 12:15 it was time for mid-day prayer. that went on to one, and then we queued for lunch. after lunch, we went to the lake/sat in the garden/did some quiet time...and at 3:15 we had a bible study/workshops/discussion groups - i went to the Luke workshops, and how it challenges us in our everyday lives. we then had taize tea at 5:15, and then had a break or optional workshops...i went to some on Christianity and Islam, Violence within us, we had a meeting with Brother Mark, and a meeting with the English groups with brother Paulo. tea was at 7pm, after which at 8:15 was evening prayer. after that we went to Oyak or did a prayer session, chatted, and did bible discussions. on thursday, Brother Aloisi did a reading of a letter to all the people in Taize. On friday there was a veneration of the cross - i wanted for ages to do this, and this was one of the most beautiful moments of my time out there. I felt such a release of emotion/pressures when i did this - it was a powerful moment of prayer and i feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to have done this. on saturday we had the candlelight service which was just beautiful, no words can describe this - it was just...(fill in appropriate word). usually, i would stay in the church for a while after evening prayer, i talked to some of the brothers of the community about some of my problems, some of the challenges that arose from the Bible discussions, and some of the emotions that were running through me. i would pray for a bit, and i spoke to the English Bishop about relationship problems, and things connected with that, and my greatest fears.

i met some amazing people - if i came out of the church crying, a random would come up and hug me. one day i went down to the lake, after having had a challenging bible group - i sat in one of the prayer shelters, and just cried...some people came up to me, hugged me, and said i could chat to them if i needed them....i became very close to two of the petts wood people, dave and susan - they began to read me very well. i was very open and honest with them, about my life, my faith and my worries. it was very rewarding and very open. i was able to cry when i wanted to, laugh when i wanted to, talk about my faith and not be shot down or questioned, sing songs, or worship songs, talk about loving God, and not get laughed at, but most of all I had the chance to develop my relationship with God which is something i most sincerely wanted to do.

Taize was such a small community, but the ability to find silence was amazing - i loved just being able to sit and have time to muself to read my Bible, and think a lot about what is going on in my life. and i did do a lot of thinking. i thought about the last few years - people who have made and broken me, friendships that i have developed, people i have met, what i have achieved, and what i want to do next - yes, some of these thoughts are still in my head, and some of the things that have happened in the last few weeks, have given me some answers. but now i have developed a relationship with God that is stronger then it has been for a while, I realise that some of these fears are passable, and even not really fears at all, and that to me was special.

i know that many people will not understand this, and i dont blame you, but this holiday was so special for me, for all the relationships that I made, the glimmer of hope that i received, and the little scratch that i began, that will soon get deeper so the real me can come out to more people, so they can get a greater understanding of me. i really have to thank everyone who went with me for the effect they had on me, and the friendship and the love and appreciation they showed me - what a blessed week it was.

i just have to say another thing about Taize - i have made some unbelievably close friends - and i have to say a huge thank you to both David and Susan who made my time out there so special, who looked after me, who cuddled me when i was crying, and who laughed with me when i laughed, and to david for giving me a shoulder and an arm to sleep on all the way back home. These two people have had a huge impact on my life in the last fortnight, and we contact each other everyday, and only go a few days without seeing each other. I pray that my relationship with these two can stay like this, as they have given me more support then they know.

Taize has a very special place in my heart, and I am very greatful for God, and the people there for that

i think i should do a quick update about Taize
it was in a word - brilliant. I had such an amazing time - and such a spiritual time. yes, it was very emotional, there is no getting away from that, and the fact you could just break down in tears at any time...but I think the point I have to make most whole heartedly is that my relationship with God did grew so much stronger. I really felt God work in me, and take away so many of my anxieties and worries. so much so, I am now on half of my dose of anti-depressants. it was like a huge weight had been removed from my shoulder, and i really have to praise God for that. I made some amazing friends....i really did. the group of us that went have all really bonded amazingly and i know that we will remain close for a long time. and we are going to go to Taize in Geneva for the New Years, and there will be many Taize times to have.

I really do thank God for everything...it was just such a blessed week.