I feel really bad about what i wrote about my gran on my last post, but its true. yesterday it was the same, more tears...i know she is sad, and i know it must be terrible for her, but when i am going through such a low patch myself i cant handle it and it is driving me crazy. we are having her over for new years tonight, and i just really want to escape it, but i cant, and its making me mad. i love her to bits, but when i am so low, having someone else crying around you just doesnt make you feel any better - it just makes you become more introspective and find yourself hating yourself more...and that is why i just cannot cope, and why my christmas this year has been very subdued - good news is that i have lost a pound in weight though!.

so like every year, i do a look back and a look forward. this last year has been hard with masters, and dziadzio dying, peter moving to madrid and not seeing him for nearly nine months now and other events in my life, but it has also been great - my word I passed my msc, i have graduated, i have secured some amazing friendships with people, and have managed to smile a little...

but i do want 2007 to be better - i want my career now, not just to get me going, but it will also give me an income so i can finally leave home...i want to get rid of mt meds (going to be hard, but i want to do it), maybe find my man who will whisk me away - or at least i can share good times with, lose that last little bit of weight to get me back to my target weight, and make even more friends to share good times with....so not much then.

i just want to say thankyou to everyone for making this year what it was - to my fabulous nottingham (especially cloister friends) who made up such a big part of my life this year - you are all truly fabulous...to people in exeter who i know i have for my support, to my bros who care for me, and to anyone else that i have forgotton (including my fit boss).

i would like to wish everyone a happy new year, and may it be truly fabulous and full of joy and goodness for you!

take lots of care
xxxx

this is going to sound so not like me, but i am finding it so hard to be with my nan at the moment - it is so depressing. I know that it must be terrible for her especially at these special times, but i cant hear about how much he suffered anymore - i know that my grandad suffered tremendously, i know that and i feel for her terribly, but its so hard for me to try and get better myself when all i hear is that. i feel so bad for thinking like that - i feel really selfish for feeling like that, but its getting me more down then ever....i really need a break.

i have just had four brilliant songs play in a row - when you get those shivers down the back of your spine - you know its a good song - at the moment, listening to music is the only escape from a lot of things that i have. well i have been reading lots too - finihed sense and sensibility yesterday - good, but not as good as P&P obviously - that book will always excite me, and i always find birlliniant quotes in that book everytime i read it...i am reading a new book at the moment - i have only just started so i dont really want to pass judgement yet - but some segments have described me to a tea - in fact its quite scary...it has summed up my worst fear in the world which is ever so scary...

not much else - oh am planning my poster for the POP, am excited to have seen the brochure on the web with mu abstract in it! sad i know, but its there - my name and everything. might watch series three of peep show to cheer me up - hey jonathan, for christmas i got the mitchell and webb show before they did peep show! very excited to watch it!

Christmas has been pretty subdued this year...i always thought that it would be, babcia was a bit teary during both wigilia and at our house on christmas day...that was sad to see, and all she could say at the end of the day was that she was glad that christmas was over...so yeah, it wasnt the most jolly christmas in the Bajorek household. that has also shown in the amount that i have been eating - very little. on christmas day..yeah my veggie alternative was disappointing, but i could only manage one roast potato and a handful of veg, and hardly any christmas pudding...oh well. i suppose that when things arent so cheery then you dont eat so much.

i also really miss peter not being here, or even in the country as i get on really well with him, and i dont even have my brother to talk to.

New years will probably be much of the same as that is likely to be spent cheering up nan who would have celebrated her 56th wedding anniversary the day before...oh what a joyous way to bring in the new year...dont you all wish that you were with me! bet you do!

today i went to a different church then my usual parish in petts wood...i went to the polish service at the old peoples home in Chislehurst. This is because my babcia had asked for a mass to be dedicated to dziadzio who died in april, so my mum, aunt and myself went with her for support. I hate it when my mum cries - it always sets me off, a few blinks, and some hard swallows, and i kept the tears in. my nan was very composed, but there will be tears tonight at wigilia for sure, no doubt about that.

am sad that my brother peter is not going to be with us this christmas - he is having christmas in madrid with the in-laws...it will be strange with out him here..i miss him more then i let on. I am very close to him.

but, i am happy that mark and karen won strictly last night...i hope that a dvd of the series comes out.

and this time, i would like to wish everyone a merry christmas - this year it will be hard, noot just with dziadzio not being with us, and peter being in madrid, but because it has been quite a hard year for other reasons...and i sure miss so many people in mhy life right now...

take care all, and to any other polish people reading this - have a lovely Wigilia...stuff yourself with all the goodness that it brings.

have a merry and blessed christmas everyone
xxx

well, it has been a poorly, busy and stressful few days...but i have survived, and even did all my christmas shopping in four hours...now, i have gotton my parents something a bit drastic, shant reveal it for a while, will see if they like it first, and this afternoon, i have made some mince pies...

anyways, i think i will see if blogger will allow me to put any graduation photos up...and then some people may be able to see me with my dark hair! nope, i am not originally blonde - i promise you



this is me in my suit that we got for graduation - tis a nice suit...this is after the ceremony has been, as we were being rushed out of the building



this is in front of the trent building, and the lake, and at the major gates of the university - coolio



Well, if i was paying £50 for the hire of the gown, then i am going to make the most of it



and some of the girlies before the ceremony - they helped me throughout my year..it was sad that i graduated at different times to me and different days to my boys who really did help me, but i suppose its the memories that I have in my head that are the most important...

anyways, have to make my next batch of mince pies now

xxxx

i always thought that it was my adrenaline that was keeping me going for a while now, and it proved correct. as soon as my graduation was over yesterday, on the drive home my cold began to show itself in its true colours, and today i have done nothing but lie down, cough, and refil my hot water bottle as i have been so cold...but i have a lot to do before wednesday and so I am getting a bit concerned as to when i am going to get everything done, but when there is a will, there is a way, and there certainly is a will.

graduation was indeed very good. it was great seeing my friends again - not everyone was there, but a lot of the lovely girls were, all very congratulatory, all very lovely, and all very smart! graduation service itself was all very formal as they get, but what i did like about nottingham is that they take photos of you when shaking hands with the chancellor, so i smiled my way on stage, and we got that photo...

the buffet was good, and i was so so pleased like you would not believe that my babcia was able to come...that made my day like you would not believe.

but now i am poorly, and must shake it off before wednesday, and do some hard graft before then too

ok, its been a while since i have blogged, soryy, have had a few busy days

monday and tuesday - my last two days at SDG - thankfully! no more photocopying, on the last day the manager had only just caught a glimpse of my CV and said sorry to me that they had not used my skills at all! never mind.

then on tuesday night i met my brother and some friends and we went to see Mitchell and Webb live which was very good - i had much enjoyment!

yesterday - i got my newly coloured dark brown hair cut and styled all ready for graduation on friday - i will then be certified a little but clever! i then cokked an amazing vegetarian lasagna - it was so yummy i was very proud! and it was my mums birthday yesterday - so happy birthday mum - love you to bits, but you already know that!

today i have a wee bit of a busy morning...have an application to do, and packing to sort out!

got such a lovely message from Lineo from Lesotho - it nearlt made me blubber all over my breakfast - she is such an inspiration - i love her to bits.

yesterday i received some scary info about something that i have to do next week - my weekend will be packed now...but i am to forget about that until after graduation - i dont want anything to ruin that day

so long people, so long
xx

this weekend has been quite busy but good fun. i met jonathan after work on friday, and he came back to mine, we had tea, and chatted, and looked at train times for when we had to get into london and distances between places. on saturday jonathan went for his first house viewing, whilst my mum and i went to find a suit for me to graduate in on friday. I got a merit in my masters overall, a distinction in my actual research project, but a merit overall. that is more than i ever thought that i would get, so i cannot grumble at all. suit got, and an jacket that i had been wanting for a while, i dropped back home, made a sandwhich, and got into London to meet jonathan. we went to tuffnall park to see one possible flat, and then went to honor oak park (and not hollyoak park jonathan), and that is where the flat was that jonathan is now going to live in - and it is lovely. to celebrate, we made our way back to victoria, enjoyed a lush pint of strongbow - its funny how it does change slightly...and then enjoyed a lovely meal in ASK in Victoria, where i would flirt with the waitors and pizza makers...no joke! we then made our way back home so that jonathan could watch match of the day...and then i let my weary head rest.

this morning, jonathan stayed in whilst i went to church (couldnt get the atheist out of him), and then we chatted and watched telly till it was time for jonathan to get back home....it was a good weekend...very good!

i have coloured my hair...now a lot of people in my life who i consider to be very good friends, and a lot of my work colleagues, have never seen how dark my original hair colour is. Now my hair is now very dark...it was a bot of shock at first, but then i have been blonde for over two years, so i have to get used to dark hair again...!i think many people are going to get shocked with it....

anyways, two more days of work to get through, and on tuesday i get to see mitchell and webb live which should be wicked...i need a hair cut and then i graduate...and then who knows? i sure dont
x

it has just passed my bedtime, and i am not near bed...wont be getting up to run tomorrow morning! have just finished one of the longest application forms i have ever had to do...it will get there a week before end date..fingers crossed - it sounds like a good job.

good news - today i got a stool, other good news - jonathan is coming for the weekend! only three more days at work now - wohoo!

um, not much else to say really - going to do a quick tidy of ma chambre, although jon has alreadt witnessed the state of my room, so he is immune to it! must go to bed cos i am tired

xx

just a quick post as i am so tired its untrue - morning runs although helping me, also tire me out tragically...this morning i almost missed my station, and did one of those jump when you wake up moments - oh dear.

no stool was given to me today - manager wasnt very happy! never mind, only got 4 more days. Steve my old boss has said its fine for me to put his name on about four application forms that i have been doing - he is so cool, he was chuffed that i emailed to asj, and says he is going to hunt me out in the building - will be nice to have a catch up.

throat kills, and have had a wee little cough today, good litle msn chat with dear Katy, and now i am off to bed, as i am tired....

good night
xx

an exciting thing happened at work today - shock horror i know! i am getting a stool so i dont have to stand on my feet everyday for the 8 hours that i work! hurrah! a stool! i could have even had it today, but for health and safety reasons i could not carry it up the stairs, but health and safety dont care that i have very little standing room, and have been on my feet for a fortnight with no-where to sit - oh well!

anyways, jonathan - looking forward to you coming down this weekend...i will be outfit shopping for the day....wohoo! will leave the dying of hair till you have gone!

hmm, am really addicted to chocolate money at the moment - it is so good! love it - so if you want to be my friend...you know the way to go!

its strange how in my old department i was really wanting to be extended, but for this one i am counting down the days i have left - yep - only 5 now...next week mitchell and webb live, and graduation - fabo!

today i have felt a bit poorly...it feels like a thousand people have gone down my throat with forks...ouch. work was the same old same old..only 6 days left wohoo! a few more applications to fill - its tiring work.

well done jonathan - congratualations - you deserve it, a little help from inside too - but well done! will be good to have you in London and closer so that I can have somewhere to escape to when i am going crazy with parents and still jobless cos nobody wants me!

and finally, I have been having such vivid dreams recently - really vivid - some have been mirroring what has actually taken place in my day, but others have been metaphorical - a few have driven me to tears, so its all up and down....

anyways, jonathan is on the phone

xxx

as most people know, i visit my gran every sunday - she lives close by, and i always see her then to tell her what i have been up to in the week, and to see that she is ok. today was like no other. i went over to Jonathans jealousy to watch a Polish soap opera that we always watch together, and we then started to have a little talk about christmas, and where we going to have midnight mass, as we love midnight mass, its what makes my christmas eve after wigilia. anyways, it all got very tearful, and i held my nan as she was in tears talking about dziadzio and how much she missed him, and how its going to be so sad this christmas, and how she doesnt think that she is going to cope through it. it was so sad to hear and see, and its so true. i dont know how i am going to do it, as i am still very sad about it, and it is something that i havnt really got over too. my grandad being ill has been such a major part of my life, and the fact that he has no gone is very sad, and with everything else that has happened this year, i havnt thought or prayed about him as much as i should, and for that i feel bad. it has been a tough year for me in mnay ways, with my mind, my work, my job hunting, my relastionships with people, my future paths - everything is all so up in the air, and this has taken me away from the simple act of grieving for my grandad which i still have to properly do. so all in all i have had a bit of a tearful evening, as i hate seeing my nan cry, and it really hurts me to know that she is in so much pain and i cant do anything about it. i wish that i could take away some of it for her...although i have all my own troubles that are stopping from sleeping all night, i wish i could just take away a bit of it, and help her as she has helped all of our family throughout her life.

i am a bit blue and teary - sorry

well, last night, i made a huge sacrifice! i didnt watch strictly come dancing (and that usually does make my whole saturday night), and instead i went out to Leicester Square to meet up with Sir teacher Glasbey! it was a nice night - although I think the next time we meet up we have to choose somewhere slightly less busy as it was like a needle in a haystack....and i was so happy when he said to me "you look a lot slimmer than the last time a i saw you...not to say you were fat last time, but have you lost weight?", he has a lot of scottish tact! well in fact i have lost 2.5 kilos - so i know that my early morning running is working, and i am now going to continue with it!

we got out tickets for the Bond movie, and then went to have some drinks and a long chat about lots of stuff which was just really cool and chilled, and then we went to watch the film - definately a Bond movie for the women (daniel craig looks lush in some scenes), and there are plenty of comedy lines...dan managed to guess who the good and bad people were - i didnt understand how he did, but apparently it was easy! on the way out, i tolf him the story of when jon and tom managed to convince me that 007 was actually 006 - he laughed a lot. we both had to run quite fast, i he had to get the last tube home, and i had to get back via two tube lines to get the last train home - i only just made it...but a very pleasant night was had and hopefully we will be doing it again soon.

it was a much needed night out with pleasant company who always manages to give me a smile and a compliment.

just means i will have to watch the catch up show of strictly tonight! oh well, it was worth it.

not happy about the work i have to do this week, but i only have 7 days left as i am going to graduate soon, so that will be that, and the week leading up to christmas is going to be hectic and scary for other reasons