i am now wifi! a wohoo!

after a joyous and sometimes champagne filled weekend, work today was good - really good! my boss was away all afternoon, so it was my job to bring him back to speed with things! for some reason i have been finding criminal responses not logged or put on the spreadsheet as crime, but printing them anyway - steve (my boss) stated that i had extra special super powers! but the problem file is getting bigger, with me out of the temps only realsing that such problems are occurring (its not hard, error comes up on the spreadsheet!). anyways to cut a long story short he is extremely happy with my work, trusts what i am doing completely and is going to give me all the problems to sort out, with my aforementioned extra special super powers!

am in quite an excitable mood even though i am very tired...but a wohoo - i want this good mood to continue - its been a long time coming, and i just hope it will continue, but usually when this happens it ends with a bang!

take care all of you
xxx

lets just say, that today i am very very happy, and it has been a brilliant way to start the weekend....

i am chuffed, and well now i know that i can take on battles and suceed! a wohoo! my bro in spain got a loud phone call (well he was out so Dav did), and andy (other bro) got a loud message to listen to when he got off the plane! and my nan, well hers was the loudest of all!

and today i got a new watch!

xxx

the end of my working week - i am very tired, but i am enjoying my work, its interesting and i really get on with my boss, and he is really appreciating the work that i do, as i find some mistakes which are quite important, and he makes me check the work of the other temps...basically he knows that i am quite good at qualitative analysis, and wants me to help him do that.

i found out why i had been taxed so much - i have been put on the emergency tax rate...i have to ring my agency to tell them to re-imburse me...i need the money!

um, not much else going on - am tired but ok. yeah - i am feeling ok today. i had a laugh at work and yeah...next week i am working to a tight deadline though, so may have to work a bit later.

and i went late night shopping last night, got some jeans, some work trousers, two work jumpers, two work tops, three casual tops and a two hairbands for £30! i met my mum and nan after work, and my nan knows where the clearance rail is in M&S, and even before i had got there, they had got me a top and a skirt, so it was fun!

will pay my work cheques in tomorrow...

and to all the nottingham boys - am missing you all!
xxx

work was goooood today

i get on really well with my new boss, and he trusts me with new stuff, and knows that i work well, so he gives me his stuff to do - i dont mind cos we have a laugh and a joke about it! was called one in a million today by him as well - as i found a way to speed up the other temps up as they are slow...a way that he hadnt thought off... and he wants me to help him with extra analysis as he saw my cv and that i have done analysis before...so all is well. am going to be helping out with the other temps, and probably more joking with the other members of staff. the other temps still dont talk - i talk lots! oh and he came over to ask me whether the heating was a good temperature for me, if it wasnt then he would turn it up! i like my new department, pity i only have a week to go

running was good this morning - got really sweaty!

tax man took so much of my money this week - am really not very happy.

oh well - dress down day tomorrow, but that makes choosing what to wear hard

note to self:

must charge mini-disc player at night so i have music for the train - i was lost without this morning.

worked like a bitch at work today, analysed 120 report responses, and helped out another temp - go me. after yesterdays fuss my supervisor asked me if i was warm enough in the office today! oh dear. but i was joking around with him - i wish the other temps would talk sometime too - it makes me look a bit too chatty, but i think that its nice to at least say hello to the people that you are working next to!

am still very tired...need a bit more energy.

i do have to say, that i think that i suit smart clothes...i always try my damndest to look good for work, and i scrub up pretty well. i love my new trousers and skirts that i got for work, and yeah, i love getting dressed up for work - and its fun!

um, not much else to say, lifes a bit dull and down, but trying to put a positive spin on things!

and well done jonathan on your job...good news! oh, and i saw a really nice light that we can have in our flat! and i went into curry's digital in my lunch half hour and looked at tellys! oh i am sad
xxx

knackered - very knackered.

am the only temp that talks i realised today - making jokes with the supervisor, inputting in group discussions, and i must be the only temp that staff use to train other temps - oh the state of the commission. but a fuss was made around me, as i was so cold that my finger nails actually went blue! that was fun! so i was moved to a place where i wasnt next to a double window with air conditioning on me, and they put the heating in the office on! they then went to sit where i was sitting - and described it as sitting outside - i concurred.

um, apart from that, just hellishly tired, and working hard, and trying this continual lets try and be positive stance that is proving difficult. but i am trying. work ends in about a week, but once again i have tarted up my cv in the hope of getting a job. am going to be giving a talk to people aboti africa soon, word on the grape vine is that they are recruiting, so am going to give them pre-viewing of my cv...

anyways, bed, or i will never get up for work tomorrow
xxx

am feeling so tired today still - even though i am exhausted sleeping is a problem...oh well. work this week is really daunting. i have just been speaking to my brother about it, and he has been really good. but i bet that it will be really stressful.

church today was really good. i had a good time to think on the walk down, and just some things that were said in the sermon struck a chord - my priest talked about prayer life, and letting faith grow, and one needs the other, and that is so true as i have been finding out recently. i did get soaked walking back home though...but i got some "shock absorbing" plasters that will hopefully sort my heals out as they are in such a state from wearing my new shoes (damn them).

um, so yeah. yesterdays post...may have been an out of the blue for some, for others may be not. am sorry. maybe it was too open and honest - but i have always let my blog be open and honest. for most people they can read it without seeing me, so they dont have to see my face when i say such things, and many peopl - i dont know, maybe they dont know me, or maybe they are having similar feelings, but are just as scared - well its just to know that other people feel the same way. but really, honesty has always been this blogs way, and honest it will continue to be.

and lastly...i am quite excited, as my bro and i are trying to book tickets to see the live mitchell and webb show at brixton academy in december. he is just going to gte back to me to see which day is best for him, but this is something that would be totally ace to see, so i hope he decides soon, so it can be finalised.

take care everyone, and i hope its not tipping it down with rain where you are...the weather isnt really inspiring at all.

a bit of a thoughtful post coming up - not a very happy one, so if you are in a happy mood and want to stay that way - i wouldnt read this just right now.

yesterday i was well and truly knackered after a somewhat stressful day at work, and even though i have been asked to work there two more weeks, i feel those weeks are going to be very stressful, as the work that i and two other temps will be doing is very hard, and based a lot on criminal law.

but anyway, last night i read an article in a newspaper magazine that really hit home. It was called "the scissor sisters", and no it wasnt about that band - it was about self-harm. it was talking about how more women are now doing this, and starting at alarming ages...basically, the age when i started doing this to myself, about a year ago now. although i havnt done it for about 3 months now, i would agree with the girl in the article who answered to the question "are you still a self harmer?" - "well, i do still find myself really wanting to do it"

in all honesty this is true. i can tell you straight away where the particular instrument i use to do it is, without a doubt, i know. why do i do it - as with many people i dont know. i know that when i do do it i am incredibly angry, whether its because if what somebody has said to me, or because i have done something that i didnt like, or because i have found another thing that i dont like about myself, but because i am so angry it doesnt hurt. that is the one thing that i have control over, how far, how deep and how many cuts i do. but it does hurt the next day, it does make me feel pathetic and you do then think to yourself why. i just agreed and really empathised with everything the girl in the article said, and i did really hit home, and has been on my mind all night, and all this morning.

you maybe wondering to yourself why i am suddenly talking about this. well over the past few weeks as i have said before i have been doing a lot of thinking, and thinking especially about my last year of my life, what i have done and how, or maybe more appropriately if i have progressed at all. this was one thing that i started doing at uni, and to me that doesnt show progression, it still shows a lot of hurt. but then i think about the wonderful people that always kept me going when i was having a rough day, and because of that i can smile.

i am now working so hard to remain positive about everything, but it really is sapping up a lot of my energy, and that is why i am feeling low today...it is very labourious trying to say to yourself everyday that things are really looking up, and you will get to where you want to be, and just trying to be happy, when deep inside you feel like you have been kicked in the belly. but i am going to continue to try and smile and be happy - well i have to i guess. it is hard, its very hard but i do have to do it. i am finding that my music really helps - i have to have music with me, i am finding that some songs are just speaking new things to me that i have never thought of before, and that is the wonder of music i suppose. i guess really, that i am at that point where i have so many directions to chose, that i am lost, and this sense of being lost just doesnt help.

i am thankful that i do have people that i can rely on to text when i am down - yeah granted jonathan - you have been getting them - moany i know, but cheers. and where was your tubo ticket in the end?

will go on a run later, that really helps, and may go to my local town just to have some time out

three things to say before i cook my tea

1: i have really sore feet

2: i hate the tax man

3: i can listen to rob thomas' sexy voice all day, and will never fail to stop being moved by some of the matchbox 20 songs - mad season is just an amazing album.

hello dear blog readers.

am very tired...today i didnt run in the morning, i ran when i got back from work as i was so tired yesterday i thought the extra half hour of sleep would be good...but really i felt like i should have had my run...i am going to do it again in the morning. my little trampoline is great for this as it is so dark at 6 in the morning, that it would be horrid to go outside....but it really made me feel a lot better in the morning, so although i am knackered, will be back doing it tomorrow.

well my agency thinks that i have work for another two weeks after this one at the LSC, my mate at the LSC is not too sure - we shall see what happens...its good to see all my old friends again...i have a laugh with caroline, and when in the family kitchen today - i saw my postcard that i sent them from Lesotho! um, another temp that started is a lad from my church which is cool, but all the other tenps are doing the envelope stuffing that i was doing, while i have been given more of an analysis of the data role which is much better...i reckon its because caroline knows that i am a reliable worker and she can trust me - hurrah!

not much else going on...i really think that omega 3 is having a good effect on me as i have been feeling good recently, a lot more energy, and more awake...and what is really good is that i have found on one of my mini-discs 2 albums i have not listened to for ages, and so they are making the travel too and from work really really good...yay!

not much else to say, although i am going to bed now as six o'clock wake up awaits me!

today, i got up at 6 oclock so that I could get my run in before work - and it is such a good way of waking yourself up in the morning - will be doing it again tomorrow. today at work i had an interview for the hr job i told you all about - only that i found out in the interview that it wasnt really hr, but pa, something i certainly DONT want to do, so i didnt really sell myself in the interview, in fact i threw them bringing in psychological terms, and i was very honest when they asked me what i thought of the job (basically i said not a lot, but in nicer terms). if i do get the job i will say no, and if my consultant at the agency rings me up to ask him how it went, i will say that its not for me. it wont give me any extra hr experience at all, so bullocks to that! what makes me think that i havnt got the job was when they said at the end, that i am obviously very pationate about occ pscyh (that is true), and i should really persue that! but funnily enough that is also what the head of birdseye said, and he also said that I was obviously a very competent and intelligent young lady, that I can stand my ground, and came across very well!

i had been feeling a lot better yesterday - it may be a combination of my running, earning a wee little bit, and i gave been taking omega three..and of course meeting some old friends of mine. but like i said the other day i have been thinking a lot about my life, and although i am so scared about so many things, i think that at the mo, i can be ok...

and finally - my nan who always speaks the truth went against my mum and said i was not fat! hurrah!

the last few days have been a change on my usual day of do nothing. on thursdauy i has just had a run, and was writing an application form, when i get a call from my agency: "Zofia, get into London now" so i threw on some work clothes, and got the details as to where i was working, when i was on the train into town...luckily, it was the LSC again, different department, same organisation, same pay! so that was thursday, and i worked there yesterday as well, and will be working there this week. but what is more exciting is that i had a phone call from the same agency, saying that a position had arisen in the HR department at the LSC too, and they had sent my CV to them, and so I may be working there for 2-3 months...and that department has more pay, but all that is not finalised yet!

on thursday night, i met the head of birdseye frozen meals ( a friend of my dads, who had looked over my Cv), and he gave me an interview practice session in a wine bar! it was bizarre, but he picked up on what a lot of people say about me - eye contact! the good thing about that is the net-working opportunity that it gave...as he was very impressed about my first, as he has very rarely seen firsts in psychology, and on leaving he told me to keep that in mind.

yesterday at work, i went up to see my old department and chat with them which was really good as i got to see my old work mates. my boss fernando wasnt it, so i will go up and see him on monday, as it will be soo cool to see him again as he was so much fun. the girl i work next to is really nice, and i have been chatting with her a bit too, as she works for the same agency as me.

yesterday evening was also really cool. i met up with a friend of mine in town who i havnt seen for ages and it was just such a pleasant evening. just lots of catching up and laughing which was just awesome. three hours just flew by as we both had stuff to say and yeah, it was just a really really good night out. best thing was - although admitting he was stingy - he offered to get the third round without wanting me to pay half - amazing! we came up with some new slogans for london, and i was trying to perfect my scottish accent, whilst trying to aid his London accent - but the scottishness kept on creeping in. the best thing about it was that conversation was just so comfortable, both talking about stuff that was on our minds, maybe bothering us and we both listen to what we have to say which is something that i really admire and like. its not often that i feel very comfortable in peoples environments so quickly...so yeah i had a really good night, and whatever people may say about him, i dont care...he is a friend of mine and for that i am grateful.

so all in all the last two days have been looking up. this morning i have been at my nans fillig up her skip with crap from her garden and loft - a much needed job! and i have just had a chat with jonathan which is always good, as he can always put a smile on my face and understands just where i am coming from - when other people may quite not! (even though he is conjuring up an evil plan to take my job away from me!)

i have had a lot of time to think this week about a lot of things, that are difficult to explain to myself as well as to others...just some realisations as to where my life is, where my life is going, and just a lot of issues about what, where, when and who might be with me. sometimes it has been quite hard and it is true what they say, the truth may hurt...but in other ways, some decisions have been very easy to make. although i am not in a relationship right now, i am becoming more ok with that, as i can meet up with mates (male and female) and just have a good time, just chat and be cool. although it would be nice to be in one, its ok that i am not (for now anyways). people can see me for me that i want to portray, and it means that i dont judge others (which sounds bad but i dont look at them thinking about potential), i can just be comfortable in myself. so there, i have been using my head more than people think that i do! go me!

today was re-registering at the doctors...it was something that needed to be done, but also this morning something that had to be done. my eye was watering like mad this morning...non-stop running...i couldnt see anything in it, nor could my mum, so down to the doctors we went. i had to see the nurse to re-register - she couldn't see anything either, but she did all the checks...and she found that my blood pressure was a bit low...so when i eventually got to see the doctor, i have an inflamed lining of my eye...cuased by an infection - hurrah! and all my other problems - ie trouble sleeping, continuous headaches, my low blood pressure, dizziness, and even to some extent my weight gain, is to do with the S word...brilliant! but she was a lovely doctor, and talked me through some stuff. (by the way thats stress, not any other s words that probably have entered peoples minds at the moment).

am now writing many cover letters and cold calling companies to get work/ experience/something. this will be a long process, but we shall see.

hope things are ok elsewhere...
xxx

yesterday, unfortunately, many tears came from my eyes. the stress and fed-upness just got to me, as well as my mum letting out an unfortunate sentence that hits a touchy spot with me.

I, as many young girls/women worry about my weight, and was getting slightly worried when clothes that used to fit me, appear to be not fitting me any more. so when out shopping with my mum, and having to go for a size bigger then i used to, she said that i was fat. that upset me so much. later on, she was trying to say that i had just got broader hips etc but that still didnt take away the fact that she saif it to me. but thank you for those who i have already gone upset to telling me that i look fine, that means a lot to me

that on top of going round agencies looking for jobs and they not even looking at my CV before telling me that they have nothing suitable for me, and me just getting so fed up, and feeling away from a lot of uni people just made me feel so upset, that i spent the evening in tears...zosh was an unhappy bunny (not a naughty bunny this time Han).

so my mum tried to calm me down, telling me that i had child-bearing hips, and a bigger frame, and that I had grown ( i have actually grown, i am an inch and a half taller from when i was last measured), and she said that all these things have an effect on how you look...still yesterday was just a bit of an i feel sorry for myself night.

today, i tried more agencies, today, one agency (the same i was with before) took my details, and then i got some smart clothes and a pair of shoes for when the jobs do start rusing in! I have also contacted somebody at the Division of Occupational Psychology asking them how you get experience in firms so that you can start the path to becoming chartered...maybe they will help. oh and i have asked for an application form for the department of work and pensions....but that has to be done straight away as it is in for friday.

so...i am going to try and pull info out of any other connections i can think of that maybe able to help, but yeah, i am not that happy at the moment, but we shall see.

on a different note altogether i am maybe meeting with scottish teacher dan on friday, that will be a bot strange as i havnt seen him for an age - and i got a pair of practically new red leather boots from a charity shop for £4.50 (well done British heart foundation)

i am in a not so nice way really looking forward for our new priest to come to our parish. it is so sad when you just look around a church and see people looking bored and uninterested in a service. our parish certainly needs a kick up the proverbial arse.

i would really like to see some more youth events happen...having gone to two Cathsocs and bein surrounded by young catholics, usually quite eager to partake in a service, but also prayer groups etc, to come home and to having nothing like that available does anger me greatly. and that is something i really miss about uni.

um apart from that, went to my nans today which was nice, and we watched our favourite soap together (its a Polish one!), and my bro went back to his flat - it was good to see him again.

going round temping agencies again now - this time to sign up and not trying to gain participants for study! but hearing some of what was said about them...i really dont want to go through all that again...bloody just a temp - i am worth so much more now. grrr.

now, i am quite an emotional young lady when it comes to films and sometimes telly, but it takes a lot to get me a bit teary for books (apart from Le Petit Prince, it gets me every time). So yesterday, when i was reading the book that Ben got me for Christmas (What Mr Darcy does next), which usually reads like jane austen porn, I was shocked when i had tears rolling down my cheeks due to what had just occurred in the book, and the amazingly brilliant way that Darcy dealt with it - well done Darcy. so that was my bloggable event.

not much else is going on. andrew has graced us with his presence tonight, it is nice seeing my brother...i may go to his flat this week sometime, as a bit of an escape from home, that is still to be decided upon.

other than that have a few niggles on my mind, nothing that a good chat with one of my girly friends wont sort out, and have decided, well always knew that i am on a bit of a weight loss exercise at the moment...my new piece of equipment is amazing (I have got myself a mini trampoline), and i use that everyday, as well as walking and i am being very careful with what i eat...and most importantly, i am not drinking as much either - well hardly anything in fact...so all those things put together will be a big help.

hmm, will be tea soon, so had better go.

take care one and all

xxxx

today has been a day away from the usual tedium of using the net to search for jobs - i was actually proactive and went to a careers fair in Earls Court with Jonathan - but to be honest we neednt have bothered - it was crap - although we did get free mints and a Guardian newspaper....

so after escaping the fair we went to sloane square to visit all the posh shops, and i got a prada bag (and if you dont believe me i will blog it tomorrow, or you can ask jonathan, who has seen it with his own eyes!), and then we went into Gucci - oh yeah we were call. Burberry was next (i was wearing their perfume today too), followed by a trip into Harrods, and even their good hall didnt have pistaccio ice-cream - what is wrong with this country.

By this time i had wet feet - i wasnt even wearing flip flops today, although my shoes may not have been the most appropriate, so the stop at Starbucks was most welcomed, and a lovely hot chocolate sustained my chocolate cravings...

next was the national portrait gallery and a look at nelsons rather large column, and then back to paddington so that i could wave jonathan off as he went back to frome! we were both disappointed by the fact that even thoguh we had ventured into all the posh shop area of London we still did not spot any famous people...gutting infact! i then met up with my dad after half an hour on the circle line to blackfriars, a quick drink, and then home...

riding the tubo was indeed fun, and seeing and chatting to jonathan was great as it always is. pity no-body wants to employ us, we are damn employable i tell you! i laughed a lot today, even though my feet were soaking, and when i got in, they looked like they do when you have been in the bath for too long! i wonder if jon got dead dog for dinner?

well will probably be making a trip frome ways soon, especially after jonathans mother has msnd me - that was funny!
good telly on tonight - extras followed by the mitchell and webb show - cant get much better - now jonathan - i hope you will be watching too!

xx

I hope that jonathan doesnt come dressed to London like this tomorrow, otherwise he will be searched by the anti-terrorist police again, and that just wont do when he is with me!

careers fair should be good...hope jonathan remembers his registration form - will see you in Paddington! now have to go and decide what train i am going to catch...will be one after nine thirty as then i will have a cheeper fare!

just been teaching my mum msn so that she can chat to my bro in madrid too - it was so funny to see her type and laugh when bantering with him! i think she really did enjoy it though

xxx

well orpington has been in the news recently, but for no good reason...it appears that one of the weekends four stabbings happened here - brilliant! lets just hope that the girl who is in a serious condition continues to improve.

am back on the old job hunt, and its not going very successfully. will start goung round the temping scene again, but will have to specify HR as this then at least will have some help for the future. but really i am a bit stumped with what i actually want to do. maybe the careers fair tomorrow will help me.

not much else to add, apart from a congratualations to James and Ella if i havnt already said that on my blog!

I would just like to take this chance to thank everyone in Gordon Road for their complete lovliness that they showed me these last few days. I always have so much fun when I go to Exeter, and all my worries that I have are always left behind as you are all so great and welcoming.

Thank you for...silly drinking on thursday, towning, cream teas, and arena on friday, magic and gospel and chatting on saturday, chaplaincy, shopping and belmont on sunday, walking to the bus station this morning! thank you so much for a fun weekend...love you all.

xxx