have actually slept a bit better in the last few nights, which is good, but i have been having quite horrid vivid dreams, and they are really vivid, the one last night made me cry - i dont know why, i woke up in tears - wasnt very good.

although i have a few worries at the moment, some new, some old, most are due to my stupidity, it is quite surprising that i have been able to sleep - really it is. am feeling that a do need to escape for a bit again, but i cant...oh well, we shall see how it goes at the weekend, as we have the cloister bbq tomorrow, and that may be fun

ok, last night, i was boiling! really boiling. my body was being silly though - i had to go into the loo not once but twice in the night! now i was really thirsty still - now i thought the body was clever...it should have made sure that i wasnt thirsty, and not having to get up and pee twice! oh it did rather disrupt my otherwise ok sleep!

analysisng qual data is a long task, but it will start involving cutting and pasting and coloured pens which i am really looking forward too, but i will probably go mad with it later. my supervisor was very helpful, and i will be sure to discuss all my ideas with her before they go on paper....

its stupidly hot - i dont like it..its not fair that i have to do stupid work as well...that makes it even hotter of that makes any sense. you would not believe how long it takes to read through interview transcripts and analyse them - and i have to do this loads and loads of times. am seeing ninna my supervisor tomorrow so she can help me

i hope that i am sweating off excess weight in this heat! got a dress for my friends wedding...from the lads i got a few "i would" responses, and a wohohohoohohoho! so think all round its a thumbs up - its a strapless number, kind of turquoise, blue, green and cream, corsetted so it very nice, and had a ribbong across the middle - shoes are going to be the same as the ones i got for james and ellas wedding as they match, and need to get a pashmina and bag!



um, praying for good stuff to happen for me, its not been going so well lately...some people know why. just pray really, as i need some good news for once.

time for bed - which meand just lying on top of it, the thought of going under a duvet just freaks me out in this weather!

i think that i have too much contact with ben (thats not a bad thing i would just like to add ben, i love hearing from you - you total dude), but today just proves it. i am reading the Life of Pi at the moment, and i come to the end of a chapter, and there is a really good quote. all of a sudden i remember that Ben had read the book, abd blogged about it, so i spent an age going through the archive of his blog, to find that he had already blogged the quote - great minds think a like!

um...had some really good me time on campus today, sitting in the bandstand by the lake so not to get wet in the rain...made a bit of a tit having a little tear in public, and the cutest little kid with his gran and mum looked at me strangely cos of it when they came to feed the ducks! oh well.

anyways, am so tired - sleep has been poor due to weather.


xxxx

its time to write about what happened when i was at home recently, as with these hot summer nights that we have been experiencing, when i cant get to sleep, or when i wake up, i have had time to think about a few things that happened.

in general, my time at home was quite good - you know, i got 9 interviews done, i spent the day with my babcia, i went shopping in bromley and on oxford street, and we had a family meal (well without peter who is now in madrid) - and so that was all great.

what really has made me think, was what happened on the first evening back. i was talking to my mum, and she was asking me about role models, after she had read an article in the paper. i said, as i always have done, how my babcia is the best role model that i could have, with everything that she has gone through, and dealt with in her life, and her amazing strength and faith really does inspire me, and males me think that i have been well a truly lucky in comparison. i look round, and my mum is in floods of tears, so i go and rush over to her. she starts to tell me that she feels really guilty that because she has spent so much time looking after babcia, that she has forgotton to spend time to think about her dad, and all the things that he did for her, and that she just isnt over his death at all because she has not thouhgt about him. she told me that she felt terrible about this. i just didnt know what to say, i hate seeing my mum cry, and there i was in floods of tears too, telling her to stop crying.

it turns out, that my mum is just really sad that nobody seems to talk about my dziadzio anymore, as all they talk about is how strong babcia is. i just want to say, that i have a few good and really strong memories of my grandad, but he had dementia from when i was seven, and so a lot of what i remember is him getting worse, and how that terrible illness took over him. but that doesnt mean that i dont have happy memories. i love my grandad to bits. his illness did completely baffle me, i found it heartbreaking and confusing, how he could be suffering so much, and how all of us knew that he would have been hated to be seen like that, yet he kept on battling on. i suppose, that shows his strength and his battle. but, i love my grandad to bits, and he was such a kind and gentle man, and even though he was in pain, he would still always give you a little smile, and that is how i have to remember him. sorry, i am getting all emotional, but this is what i spent three hours crying with my mum about last weekend.

She then went on to tell me, that she was really worried about me, cos she just wanted me to be really happy and fall in love with somebody. if only she knew that my biggest fear isnt of spiders on anything like that, but it is growing old alone - i am petrified of that more then you would ever believe. just the thought of not having a husband who loves me is just so painfullt scary. its even worse that is in the last year, i found two people that i really have liked more than anyone else in a long time, and the feelings that i have had for them have not been returned, and i just feel so stuck, and empty. its the worst feeling. it means that i have to start all over again, to build up the courage, and i just get so fed up that there is something so unloveable about me. i see and hear how badly some people treat each other, and it makes me angry, when if i had something like that then i would treat it as gold dust.

anyway, so my time at home was actually quite emotional. i hate seeing my mum cry, and the fact that we just spent three hours or even more in each others arms crying has been on my mind for a while. i love my mum more than anything in the world, and seeing her so down, and hearing all her worries just made me so sad. i wish that she could be happier, and i really pray for her. she is a brilliant mum to my two brothers and i, a great daughter to my babcia, and sister to my aunts, and wife to my dad. the time that we spent last saturday was very sad, but i a way also very special.

and that has been what has been on my mind for a while, something like that just doesnt go that quickly.

four interviews yesterday - well done me!
ben - i never got my drunk phone call - disappointed!
i took a leap into the great unknown yesterday - well done me!

am off home for a few days now - internet connection will be intermittent...but have 7 interviews confirmed, with maybe a few more!

have left room in my bag to buy clothes (or have clothes bought for me!), and for food!

take care me loves

and ben, rachel and tesa - saw the film of your graduation - seeing you guys do that made me all emotional - very proud of you all my loves, you all looked so happy and lovely...well done, congratulations, and big hugs and kisses from me! love you all, and may God make your next journey a happy and good one!

xxx

its been a strange few days in my world. from having no participants - i finally have some. yesterday i still hadnt heard back from the nottingham branch of the commission, and so i had almost given up on that...last night i dreamt that i was there, and today they called me back saying that they had four people who had agreed to do my interview - i couldnt believe it - its strange that isnt it!

am going home to escape for a bit, but also have some interviews lined up there too which should be be good, but transcription will be a bit of a mare, but they have to be done, and then its just reading them over and over again, as what qualitative research involves!

so yeah, will have some data, and then my project can get underway.

something else nearly happened, but it didnt - wow great insight by me!

well, as i enjoyed being out of nottingham on saturday, i am making my next escape this weekend, as i am going home for a few days - but there is another reason for going home - that is i have some interviews to do in London for my project which should help with the participant total - but i never ever realised just how long transcription takes - i did two interviews yesterday, and the longer one just took ages to do! man! may have some interviews on friday too (please Lord!), as have used another connection that i forgot about - really am praying loads about this.

um, have been feeling a bit of a captive to my desk with the amount of work that i have at the moment. i am currently trying to finish my consultancy reports that are taking longer then i could ever imagine...

not much else to report really, not much else fun has happened in the world of me right now - its all work orientated. hurrah!

yesterday i had a much needed day out of nottingham, and away from the lads at cloister - i had a day with a great bunch of girls for Rachel's hen day, and it was so appreciated. as i had gone to be with a headache from crying about various issues, it was so good just to get out and in some ways i wish i could have escaped for longer - that would have been great.

so yesterday we made our way down to sollihul to rachels house, where we had some lunch, then went to stratford upon avon which was beautiful, and we got a row boat, and 9 of us went rowing - it was great fun - we stopped for a while as we had champagne and strawberries to celebrate with rachel. we had fun rowing, we got really good! when we got back onto dry land - we had yet more champagne and some lovely ice cream!

we made our way back to Rachels, and got changed and we went out for a really lovely meal in the evening. it was so pleasant...i had such a good time. everyone was just so lovely and kind and it also means that we will know more people at the wedding.

it was quite a shame to come back - as i said i would have quite liked to have escaped from the stress of everything for a while - my project, my personal problems, some people here - just everything that is stressing me out at the moment...but unfortunately we had to come back. but i have had many chats with people now, and they have calmed me down which is what i was really needing, as i was on exploding level, and my health is being effected, and just i was and am still feeling shite.

and the last bit if good news, i have my first interview with somebody tomorrow, this could be a long slow process, but at least i will have one person, and there are more possibilities to ring tomorrow

hello dear blog and fellow blog readers...

sign of a stressful day - when you come over all faint, at the job centre and make a tit out of yourself, as you semi fall onto the chair behind you. well that is what happened today! yep - hurrah! took another morning of walking around beeston and nottingham looking at temping agencies, once again i got some direct no's, other i got maybes, one firm were helpful but am not keeping my hopes up....we shall see. next week i am camping out in one and grabbing people to interview there and then which should be fun...oh man, i can just see this going horribly wrong, and i am stressed, hence the fainting. got back in, and had a lie down and then some lunch, and this afternoon i have been working on my consultancy project which is hard, but a little and often is the approach i am taking with this little baby.

anyways, lets just pray that something good happens soon

oh dear.
well on monday i had a bit of a zosia tantrum, i was juts getting so upset with the lack of responses about temps, that i burst into tears in my room...it is just so frustrating that for this part of my project its all in other peoples hands, and i cannot do anything about it, no matter how hard i try.

yesterday i met up with course people to go over the consultancy skills module - this was helpful, as it resolved a few issues i have, and we are going to meet up in a week or so's time to see where we have all got with this. and then it was back to reading journals and still getting no where with the old temps.

have woken up with a sicky feeling this morning as i am that worried about it, the fact that i have worked so hard for the rest of my masters, and then my project is going arse over tit just really isnt fair.

right, excuse me one moment....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i think that may have released at least one per cent of the frustration i am feeling at the moment - have shed a few tears after a company were rude to me down the phone - that isnt necessary, at the end of the day, i am being very polite, and only need a bit of help....some people just have got to me today, and i just feel like giving up as i do not seem to be getting anywhere.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

i know i should be really into my project right now, but gaining access is becoming such a bitch - my supervisor is urging me to keep going, but its so gutting, when you are doing everything you can, but getting nothing. have done letters, emails, went to visit some in person, and now i am ringing up - oh the persistance. i really hope that i do get some interviews out of this...i really do.

um - its very hot in notts at the moment, and am not used to it at all. sleep has been bad for the last few nights, not just because of the heat but have things flying around in my head thats keeping me awake.

well, the football yesterday was somewhat disappointing, but we had a damn good evening at Cloister, and i had a good time. we had a bbq in the cloister garden which was cool - sarah, dan, johann, alistair came to join the motley crew, and gareths friends sarah and james were here for the evening too. it was a really pleasant evening, lots of laughs, jokes and banter, and just general all time good fun...i almost did something that i have been meaning to do for ages, but began to feel physically sick at the thought of actually doing it, so didnt - yup true zosh stylee!

i got a cushion and lay on the floor whilst andy played guitar and sang - unfortunately due to all the stupid light in nottingham, you cant see the stars which is very disappointing - was gutted.

the night ended pleasantly - i think i could have laid there all night. it was sure warm enough to, but i decided to go to bed instead - not that i could really sleep due to the stupid heat

damn me and stupid inabilities to speak what i feel - its tres crap