i am going to burst, i just cant hold some things in for much longer, it is becoming so hard for me. i have been coming quite emotional these last few days, yesterday i went to church at the cathedral - i got there early for some good God time, and i was just thinking about all the people that i said i would pray for, and i got a bit teary, and today when i was working, a song came on my computer, and once again i dissolved. this time of the year is always hard, as it the anniversary of my grandads death, that i am not really over, as in my head he is still in spain on his holiday, and i still cant get over the fact that i never got a proper goodbye. with the grandad that died this april, although i didnt get to say goodbye, there was a funeral, an ending, but for the other there wasnt, and thats been really hard for me.

there are just a few things really getting me not down, i would say just more frustrated with myself, and my stupid worries, and pathetic nature - damn it. i wish i wasnt like this, and can just bite the bullet, but i cant and it sucks

good news is that i dont have anaemia so all those who said i should go back to eating meat - hahahahaha! but the other news is that the reason i had to have more blood is that they are quite concerned about my constant lethargy - not like me, usually have a lot of energy, and that i had low white blood cell count, and so they want to check this out...interesting.

um, big brainstorms about project are still going, its actually being really helpful as i am picking out new info that i hadnt seen before which is fab. i hope that the footwork i did yesterday actually gets me somewhere, am getting a bit concerned that i havnt done any interviews yet. might do some consultancy skills stuff this weekend - seems like time to do that.

really need a wee, so thats it for now

xx

congratulations to ben - he maybe a cockey gimp sometimes, but he deserves a well done for his degree - he has put up with lots this year, and so this is well deserved...well done tessa and rachel too - you are all clever monkeys, and i am ever so proud of the three of you

the last few days have been up and down. have been workign hard doing brainstorms for my project and consultancy skills things, and today after going to the cathedral for mass (its a nice cathedral on the inside, but i was very disappointed with the lack of catholic youth in Nottingham - i gave the old ladies and men a shock turning up to go to church). after church, i did some work, but it may not seem like work. cos i went round and round nottingham trying to find the temping agencies and trying to get them to take part in my project, some were very helpful, some were awful, so we will see.

had no lunch though, and now its 7:42pm, so i am going to make my scrambles eggs with courgettes, mushrooms and garlic wrap...mmmm

xxx

well, last night, luckily i wasnt the only one who needed a drink, and so a few of us in flat 2 had a few drinks - i knew that the lads would do me proud. i even managed to get a nectarine (i am out of fruit which i hate as i tend to live on fruit, will go to sainsburys tomorrow)

i found it really hard to get asleep, have loads on my mind at the moment. ,y work is going so slow at the moment - its very frustrating. i spend the mornings trying to gain access to temping agencies, trying to find their email addresses so that i can contact them. then in the afternoon, i do literature reviews, or i try and so my consultancy reports. yesterday was consultancy reports, but i am not happy with what i have done so far - oh well, never mind

anyways, back to emailing temping agencies.

am so cold today. am sat in my room, with 3 layers on (the top one being my comfort jumper that my brother gave me that i wear when i am having a particularly shit day), and i am even using my blanket that i have on my bed. I think its because i may have a little cold (have been sniffling a lot), and just because in general i have had quite a shit day. i normally take one a-d in the morning, and one in the evening, but today i took them both in the morning, as i needed to, but have not really felt much affect which is disappointin

after a stomach churning morning, i finished reading some journal articles, emailed more temping agencies to try and get help with my project (although my supervisor is so relaxed about this, saw her after church yesterday). i went to campus to book a doctors appointment, but the computers were down so will go back again tomorrow. but the walk was much needed, gave me time to think about all kinds of issues, like whether i should apply to some of the jobs that I was sent this morning, and that was making me think about what i really did want to do in the future, what direction i should follow, and who was going to be in the future with me, and have tried to get down to writing the first part of my consultancy workshop assessment - the consultancy report, but i am finding this quite difficult - probably more difficult that it should be, but i dont want this to bring down my average, as i am quite happy with my merit, and want to remain on that level.

need some big cheering up - will see what the lads have to offer later, they usually come up trumps in these situations - maybe they will suggest pub, havnt been to the pub for a while, and that would be nice. but hey ho, back to the work - will i hit the 1000 word mark today? lets see.

its been quite emotional chez zosia recently. On friday, i was happy that i got my level a and b qualifications, but that was put aside, as i found out that Biibis dad had died back in Ghana. It was a hard evening, you can hug and try and control tears as much as you can, but whatever you say sounds so lame. It was so hard for all of us, we were all in a bit of shock, we just stayed strong for her. I got a bit teary with her, just all my emotions came out. Biibi is a Christian, so I prayed for her and her dad, i felt that was the only thing that would make sense in this situation. saturday was a day i had been looking forward to, as i was going to birmingham to see Sbosh from Lesotho. this was as good as i thought it would be, it was amazing to see him again, and we had a reflect about africa, had time to chat about our lives, and i cried on the coach home, as i really dont know when i will see him again, which is really hard.

yesterday, i was just mega tired. from having the accident last week, to working really hard all week to get my level b, to having a really emotional saturday and friday i was just worn out, and so whenever i tried to get down to some work, i just fell asleep, so it was not as productive as i thought it would be.

and this morning, well its not even worth trying to write down what i am thinking about, and what has just hit me. just as i thought that things were looking up for me, and that i was getting somewhere, i get slapped in the face, and this one really stings. i cant describe how i am feeling - to be honest i feel a bit sick, emotionally and physically

just to let you know, cos i know that you are all interested - i am now level A and B qualified, which means i can administer, score and feedback on personlity measures (the NEO P-IR), and psychometric tests - go me!

At the time of writing this I am both angry and bored for two seperate reasons

will deal with the bored first: i have spent all of today (bar from a trip to boots on campus to purchase a few necessities) writing up my reports and necessary documentation for my level B professional developments. it has just been so tedious. i am currently in the process of writing my third personality feedback report of the day, and if i have to write "as in accordance with the data protection act" again, i will scream. anyways, it all gets handed in tomorrow which is a big relief.

now the anger: this has to be dealt with a bit more sensitivity - well it doesnt really, but for my sake it does, because to be honest i dont think that i can deal with one more confrontation about my beliefs, the fact that I am a Christian and believe in God. The thing that gets me, is that my belief is personal, i dont go about advertising and shouting from the roof tops that I am a Catholic, no i keep it to myself, and try as hard as I can to live my life in accordance with my beliefs, but i certainly do not enforce these on other people. Yes I believe in God, and yes, sometimes i do slip up, i do make mistakes, and i do things that i am not proud of, but i do feel sorry for the mistakes i make, and its not as if i think i get off lightly when i have slipped up. all I have to say is - why should anyone else care about my beliefs? why do i have to constantly battle to defend them? i shouldnt - thats right, when i dont i get told that its because i am insecure, am doubting my own faith, that i dont believe as i cant defend it, but when i do try and defend it - in a contradictory manner, i get told off for being insecure enough to have to try and defend my faith and that its wrong anyway. whatever way - i seem to fail.

at first i put up with the constant banter about it, but now, not only has it crossed the extremely rude barrier, it has also upset me a lot - on more then one occassion i have been reduced to tears as a result of this confrontation, and this is not fair. I may not agree with everyones beliefs, but i dont say that someone else is wrong for what they believe in, and i certainly would never call someone insecure for believing in what they do - that is not fair, and I know that I have no right to say things like that - so why other people believe they have the right to do this baffles me. the fact is, i have put up with it long enough. i just dont see why somebody just cant agree to disagree, like i have done with their beliefs...oh yeah its because some people are just more arrogant then others, and are not content until everyone is living in line with their beliefs, and completely disregarding an individuals free will to believe in what they want to. the irony is, the same individual believes that everyone should be able to do what they want to do, without the constraints of the society/economy/organisation puts upon them....so according to that - i should be able to believe in what i want to?

anyways, that has put me in an awful mood, i just cant hack the barrage of insensitive questions, banter, confrontations, abuse that i get anymore. as if i need anymore stress. its rude, hurtful, arrogant and upsetting.

as promised, i am now going to tell you about my weekend, and why i am in a lot of pain - and ben its not funny - it really hurts, and you putting your hand in boiling water was your fault - you rang me remember, how dare you say i distracted you.

ok, friday has nothing to do with it, but i think i should just mention that it was on this day when i found out i had passed my exams - wohoo!

on saturday, my parents and my nan came up to visit, so i got up really early so that i could tidy my room - i really was needed! we went around the lake, to the downs, and the millenium garden, and then went to a really nice pub for lunch, where babcia rediscovered her liking for cider! they then took me to sainsburys where i took the opportunity to really stock up on the things that i needed.

they soon left, and then i heard about a critical thoery gathering that was occuring, so i went with the intention that they were not to talk about critical theory as i dont understand it at all, its all long words that i just dont get...so my plan actually worked, and i havnt laughed as much as i did for a really long time, and i really had a good night, even though i did fall asleep for about an hour at the end, as i was just so tired.

it was my tiredness (and resulting laziness) which means that i am hurting a lot. i really didnt want to walk home, so decided to get a backy on adrians bike - and that lasted for about 30 seconds, until i landed in the middle of the road. the last thing i remember is bashing my chin, then waking up in a wee bit of shock, and crying cos i was in pain - it was the really snotty type of crying too. an ambualnce came, and they were not going to take me to hospital until they noticed that my little finger on my right hand was hanging at a strange angle! so to a&e in the ambulance with adrian and andy i went - have to add here that andy was very excited about the whole ambulance ride, and that paramedics thought that backy was some type of drug and not a lift on a bike (just to say that i dont take drugs and dont smoke - hate them both).

in a&e i had an x-ray of my hand, and they did various checks to make sure i had no broken ribs or breatbone (as dramatic bruising had started to develop), and as i had dislocated said little finger i had gas and air while they popped it back into place! so now i just have nice bruising on my chin and mouth (lucky no teeth were knocked out), and even a great bruise in my mouth which really hurts when i eat. i have a nice bruise on my breastbone, and very saw ribs, a bruised hip, grazed shoulder, and various bruises on my legs. finally got home at 7:30 sunday morning - it would have been quicker to walk! but one thing i learnt from this, other than not to be lazy is that the inside of your mouth bruises - i so never knew that!

yesterday was so tired as the pain killers given made me very drowsy, and just general lack of sleep, but adrian made me a lush tea - mmm!
today i think the actual pain is coming through...my bones really hurt, it really hurts when i laugh, sneeze, have to breathe deeply, and it really hurts when i move my arm above a certain height which sux as it makes tying my hair back quite hard, and even showering is a right pain.

as i said almost didnt go to my assessments today, but did in the end, had warned my supervisor steve that i may not be able to go, but i did, and when he saw me he did have a laugh, until he saw the extent of my bruising and that o was actually in a lot of pain.

have done some of my homework for my assessment tonight - the main thing i need for tomorrow is done
and some other good news is that one of the temping agencies that i wrote to about gaining access to their clients, has very helpfully agreed to help me in my search which made me very happy indeed!

i just want to say thanks to adrian and andy for coming to the hospital with me, and keeping me sane there...adrian for the choc and the yummy food - it seriously was yum - the pasta was amazing (just to let everyone else know, adrian makes his own pasta), enrique for the yummy cheesecake- had another bit today, and God really for being there looking after me on my fall so i didnt bash my head, or do any seriuos damage to myself.

will blog more about the weekends events later, just to say that this morning i woke up in a lot of pain, and felt very sick and sore, and even contemplated missing my assessments today (and for someone who has never missed a lecture thats huge), but am going even though i nearly vomitted in the shower- side effects of pain killers...

am feeling very lethargic the whole time - i do nothing, and yet still feel the need to nap! oh well.
have now reached the 30 article mark for the project - yep i have read 30 articles regarding temporary workers and agencies! i feel quite proud which is good! have also been looking at some of the assessment for the consultancy workshop that I have to do, and have been brainstorming a few ideas for one of them, hopefully will be meetign with people from my team, to go over the ideas that we had developed so that we can write it up. this week is the level A assesement week, which is going to be hardcore, but worthwhile when i fingers crossed pass it!

good news - it made me cry, sbosh (my team mate from africa), is in england, and i spoke to him on thursday night which was just amazing, and i was so happy to speak to him, that i did cry, and it was just so surreal, but absolutely awesome..will be teary when i meet him aswell, but hey thats the way it goes!

bad news - the doctor wants some more blood from me - have asked dave why this could be, he seems to think that it may be because they want to do some more tests about my iron levels, as i may have anaemia - its not confirmed, but its most probably - and would provide an explanation for my lethargy...

other than that, not much is going on, just have to battle through these next few months, and hopefully gain a qualification at the end!

Oh my gosh, my mood has been so crazy recently its just silly, I may have to do what somebody texted me, I think that it will help big time. well, the second day of the workshop yesterday, I actually really enjoyed, I think that i may have got more out of it then I thought that I would, and found ot very interesting, and the ideas that we came up with as a group were really good. And I had a smile on my face all the way home, as the facilitator said to me at the end that she had been very impressed with my contribution and once again came up with very interesting and relevant points, so that made me happy.

have had other things on my mind, and so have been keeping myself to myself and not imposing my hormonal mine field onto other people in Cloister - i dont feel its fair, i just have to get over my stupid insecurities myself, and tell my stupid head not to think in certain ways as it really is pissing me off more than i can ever imagine. and its strange, as its not the same thing tha has been annoying me over the last few months, this is something new.

Have got a meeting with Katy and Jess today, as they are not going to be at church on sunday, and so Izzy and I are taking over their singing roles, but they are amazing (and i actually mean amazing - they are music graduates), and so feel a tad scared, as my singing is like karaoke in comparison to theirs! oh well never mind! we shall see what happens on sunday...

um, so new flower/tree must have unleashed all its pollen recently as i am sneezing like there is no tomorrow which is not very pleasant. anyways, back to work now.....

ok, well i have passed my ethics which is good - i can get going with my project which is good - time to send out letters to temping agencies.

thank you to Ben - that was such a lovely surprise, and sure made me smile when i was having a bad day - it was brilliant, and some of the words are beautiful.

today, we had a workshop today about consultancy skills, it was being run by my tutor, who knows me as being a retard and so was surprised when she saw it was me speaking out loud - so much so, during the lunch break she came up to me, and said well done for what i had said, so i was quite pleased with that.

but other things have been on my mind today, and since being home i have been very teary and crying and then the stupid fire alarm went off cos my retard housemates dont close the door when they are cooking so it stinks out everything. am just in a mood, i will snap out of it i know, but at the moment, something different to what i have normally been going on about has just got to me today, really badly.

just so you all know, and are not at all worried - blood pressure is fine, pupil reactions are fine, the rash on my arms is predicted heat rash, but four little bottles of blood were taken from my arm checking for things like iron and stuff (my mum told me off for turning veggie and not looking after myself properly!)

so we shall wait and see.

my tutor is all of a sudden randomly contacting me and making sure i am ok - will be seeing her this week anyways, as she is running the module workshop thinh! hurrah!

anyways, work time
xx

its been a busy week, and i havnt blogged any of it - sorry.

well i have completed 110/180 credits of my masters - a wohoo! i wrote an essay this week - it wasnt the best as after exams i was just beyond the point of caring. i also gave in my proposal..i saw my supervisor at church today, and she said that she really liked the sound of my project which is cool, and they are just checking the ethics tomorrow which will be cool. if anyone is interested - my project is "why do people undertake temporary work? an exploratory study into the nature of temporary agency work", so i will be having to do focus groups/semi-structured interviews, and my analysis will be all qualitative...which is why it may shock people that this week i also completed an spss workshop. i wasnt going to go, but then decided that it may be worth my while, and a good thing to have on my cv. i actually really enjoyed it - steve and iain ran it which was jolly good, and i had a laugh with them, especially on the last day as there were only a handful of people there - but it was good, and i actually remembered loads and i havnt used spss for over two years! once learnt never forgotton!

yesterday was quite exciting - for all the wrong reasons. i was working in the morning, and then worked while the football was on, and then after i went to sainsburys - all fine, nothing exciting i hear you cry!!! until that is when i got to the checkout, and fainted whilst packing my bags, i kindof collapsed onto my shopping...the next thing i knew was that i was being guided by a few members of staff to some chairs, and there was a lot of calling for first aiders! i felt very stupid, as when asking for my address i couldnt remember some of it, and i was shaking, and i was apologising a lot. still dont know what caused it, but dave and andy very kindly came to get me and take me home, and then i slept for a long time. i then made an appearance at lauras leaving do, and just laughed a lot about what happened - it is funny looking back at it! the funny thing was they said my ankles looked puffy and had water retention, so after finding out that I am not pregnant, stated that it may just be because of the hot weather, or that i just had fat ankles! i like to think its just because it was hot! and i seemed to have been quite happy that they gave me a free glass of water!

have been doing some reading for my literature review part of my project, as cant do much until i get the afore mentioned ethics clearance, and i have another module this week, and then my professional assessments! brilliant!

this week, God answered some of my questions, but He gave me the answer that I didnt want, and i did get quite angry and moody for a bit, but its all ok now, i have chatted it over with a few people, and its all good, just why i didnt get this answer a few months ago still confuses me, but hey.

and also, i was talking to the self-proclaimed only male catholic catch in exeter this week, who told me that he wouldnt blog some of my comments, but then went to tell people anyways...oh you, well just for pay back time, if there are other catholic men in exeter, you can abuse him back, as your faces are offensive apparently!

thats about it, am job hunting too, need to find something occ psych related...and just have to make sure i stay healthy - have a docs tomorrow anyway, so will see what happens