although dell and andy kindly fixed my computer today, i have still found myself up on campus. jubillee today - was getting sick of the hallward,a nd fancied a walk as it was sunny. have been married to a photocopier for about an hour - it was being tempremental - it must be something to do with me and technology, we really dont seem to be gettin on well at the moment - never mind. so am on campus...am trying to find some books to help me with the old stats component...thats going to be my next few days of fun - will be lucky if i emerge alive i tell you...very lucky. has been a quiet day...have only seen andy (and one of my housemates), and so when a librarian came to talk to me when i was having photocopier struggles, i had a good natter with him which was good. although cloister is not empty, it is very quiet, more so than usual.

what ive been up to: wednesday night we went to see stand up comedy - and laughed...and last night Laura taught us an argentinian drinking game, which we seemed to make very complicated....and then played quite a heated game of articulate from which tom, adrian and i emerged victorius - the victory was indeed sweet.

still havnt been sleeping well - i am surprised i havnt just collapsed in one big heap yet...is a nights sleep really too much to ask? and went to go and see a module conveynor the other day, adn she was helpful, and finally it seems as if my undergraduate project on prosopagnosia, is making its way around the prosopagnosia accademics without my even knowing about it...is that allowed? i am not sure....

hello dear readers
have been doing revision notes and its dull. am currently using jons computer as mine is still dead, although by the end of this week it should be up and running by the end of the week!
today has been leadership and change which is quite a chunky topic, and have read the journals for.
um, not much else to say...am getting there slowly - my meeting with the module conveynor went well which was good, i understand a few more things now which is handy.
really not much exciting to report - such is the excitement of my life

my computer at home has died an untimely death, and i am actually proud that i have not cried about it yet...i am praying that nothing has been lost, and will be gutted if everything has been lost - but its a crap time for it to go, as i need it for journal searches and stuff - especially as jonathan has just introduced to me google scholar which is brilliant!
well yesterday i had a very pleasant day with james and ella being in nottingham - it was nice to see them again - its been ages since i last saw them - just after their wedding in fact and so that was great. and the view from the castle was brilliant, and i think they enjoyed the ye olde trip!

friday i had a very nice time at the cloister meal - lots of yummy food from different countries...and thanks to anrikay (enrique) to organising it all!

and many a nasty and somewhat upsetting comments are being left on my blog at the moment. personal attacks from people who have actually met me and seen, but from people who havnt its just plain unfair and not nice

today might be a hard day today. i am sticking it out for the time being, and today i see my supervisor for the first time, and i have to tell her about how i feel (my disability officer has tild me to do that), and then after that I have a meeting with the disability officer to talk things over, and that is going to be hard and there may be a few tears involved in both meetings. this afternoon i am meeting up with katie and going to chapel and then having a pray together so that we can help each other. this should be good. but yeah its going to be hard, and so lads in cloister if i am moody tonight then i apologise now, but i will try my best not to be.

and could people on bens blog stop saying that we are destined to be together. apparently when we spend time together (bearing in mind i have spent time with ben about 4 times in my life), we are obviously an item. that person obviously doesnt know me... i generally find it easy to get on with all lads so easily (it helps having two older brothers), and i have 5 lads here that i get on with well too. and so all this speculation is stupid...

anyways have to get ready to get to campus for 9!

church today was good, but in a bad way. I got to church, and for some reason i was crying a bit on the way, but i tried to put on a happy face, but it didnt matter today, as katie was also sad, and we were sad together. we had a natter about our God issues, and work issues, and just how everything was generally sucky at the minute which was good, and I am meeting up with her on wednesday to see how we are which is nice. so i am feeling a bit eeked at the moment, may go and see the old disability rep again, and tell him all my worries, and my thoughts about leaving. its just sometimes i dont think that all this stress is worth it, but then i dont know what i would do instead if you know what i mean. anyways, we will see how the beginning of the week goes, and then will think about it again. havnt told my parents about this yet, am a bit too scared to, seeing they are helping me a little with paying for this course....oh man, will just have to battle in, only 5 1/2 months to go anyway, and it will probably go so quickly...and i have met some truly fab people and i dont want to look like a failure and a loser in front of them.

anyways, back to the old work, and try and achieve a bit of understanding!

so ive been pretty low this week, i have seen the return of the panic attacks, have found out all my exam dates which are very stressful, i have been thinking very seriously about giving up my course....and then to really top it off, someone comments on my blog that i am ugly. well, how to kick somebody when they are down. thanks a lot.

today ellie and i went through our modules going over the reading that we had done, and what we still have to do, and this afternoon, i have been filling in the gaps of the reading...but i have just had a panic attack, about getting everything done - as in revision notes and actual learning - i know that i have done it before, and will be able to do it again, will get tired and stressed doing it, but will be able to do it, but just thinking about the tasks ahead of me just seems insane at the moment, but i suppose that i do have to just keep on battling on. i have chosen which topics i am revising and which ones i have slacked off, and kindof have done a timetable for when the notes for them are to be done...which kindof gives me something to aim for i reckon, and then it will be proposal writing and revision. and i think i have a rest after the old exams - oh no, i will have an essay, and then straight into the old project - hurah! bring on august 31st.

actually, thinking about giving up is seeming to be a lovely option right now...really good.

ok, so for the last few days, i have been experiencing a bit of doom. the re-appearance of the panic attacks fucked me off greatly, and so i wasnt very happy. yesterday i had probably the worst revision session you could probably imagine, when i even said to the course conveynor that i felt like i knew nothing and it was awful and it has made me feel really panicked - i think she may have heard the panic in my voice, and the fact like i felt like i was going to cry. after this i went to student services as i had rung to say that i kindof really needed to see my advisor, and i got to her office and just cried, saying that i wanted to give up, that i was so stressed and that i wasnt coping and the support from my tutor was non-existant. i showed her the letter from my counsellor, and she was shocked that my tutor hasnt even emailed to see if i am ok, and i told her i was worried about the project and stuff, and she was ace. she has spoken to my department, which is good, and i just hope they are going to be there a bit more for me now.

and today, doom continued..we got our exam dates - may is officially the month of doom...revision basically has to start now, and its going to have to be selective revision and question spotting - thats what its all about...and so i freaked out about that - in fact as jonathan kindly said, my pancreas exploded over his wall! the other dooming thing was that i was supposed to be going on a date with someone tonight, but i got a text from him this meaning saying that he has started seeing someone else...bloody brilliant. well, dont really know what to say...it doesnt make me feel great, but hey, life goes on

anyways, so am going to go into revision note mood soon - i want to have them done over easter, so i can then just concentrate on revision and the remaining lectures afterwards.

prayers would be much appreciated, so that i dont actually explode from stress...seriuosly this is so much work - i know its a masters, but never thought that it would be this hectic and hardcore if you understand...its mega tough....interesting but tough... so yeah prayers from all you lovely people would help me...its all about positive love!

am annoyed with myself....last night i had my first panic attack since before my exams...and its all because i keep thinking that i am not doing enough work, and that i am scared about the next lot of exams, and i keep looking at the past exam questions, thinking that they are hard. oh dear. and i am a bit upset because it wasnt nice, and i feel foolish. well i am seeing student support today after my revision lecture - hopefully they can sort me out, or at least help my department give me the bloody support i need.
man i feel miserable. i am trying my hardest to the work that i need to do, but feel like i am getting no-where and it sux almighty.

today, i am working in my room in the morning, and on campus in the afternoon - the two mian reasons for the change of loaction - i get bored in my room if I am in it all day, and begin to go mad, and the walk to campus gets me out of the building and exercising, and this can help me lose some weight! so works well in my opinion.

well, we won the quiz on sunday - getting something for team name "is that a pint in Kev's pocket or is he just pleased to see me?", and winning the actual quiz which is very satisfying! thats two weeks in a row, and i think 6 times in total which os good - and five bottles of wine were given to us.

yesterday had lectures - i like the lecturer he is good and is quite interactive, but he is very sparse on giving key names, and then gives us a list as long as our arms of things to read - as if we have time to read them all...so that kindof worried me about the exam - kindof - is really - it worries me loads...
counselling was hard again yesterday, but good in a way. i was having really big rants about things, and i was asked if i was really angry about what was going on, but i am not, i am just upset about it, but as i dont like showing that i am upset, it comes out in anger, which was very interesting...so when i get angry it is usually because i am upset ok...

but i am angry about something in the department at the moment, but dont/cant really say much more...but it does just take away the whole "fairness" of certain methods of doing things which is annoying.

anyways, as promised here are some photos from pancake day:



me cooking pancakes, with a gin and tonic polly strength



i was glad when emily came in the correct theme for the night, so i didnt look like a prick

wohooo....essay is coming along which is good, there will be some cutting and pasting occurring, but its getting there, and sadly i am getting more and more interested in the topic as i get into the essay, and discovering more problems that makes me go oohhh!

but am pissed off with my housemates. there were three bags of rubbish in the kitchen today, one was leaking something and they were all in front of my cupboard....am i a bloody dustbin lady? i just dont understand why they dont take the rubbish out as soon as they remove the bag? thats what i do? is it too hard to ask??? so then i mopped the floor as well, as i dont want to die due to the amount of crap there is everywhere....its not f-ing fair. well at least my housemates shut the door when they go to the loo - thank goodness for small mercy hey jonathan? anyways, i just mumbled under my breath and swore a few times to get it out of my system.

play tonight, should be good, have heard good things about it, and so i have elevated expectations!

and i hate not having post on saturday here, it just annoys me, checking the post gives me something to do when i get up, but i am always robbed of that at the weekend!

anyways...back to the essay methinks

i am very disappointed in myself this week. I have never used the fact that i have depression to excuse my work being bad until this week, when i was so ashemed with the whole apathy i have for my work and project in particular that i just really couldnt bring myself together to write something at least half decent for my project outlines...so i emailed the disability officer to warn him, and hopefully my tutor should have got her letter from the counsellor, and next week i am seeing student support.

am trying now though - am doing research for the essay that I am going to start writing tomorrow, have just found three more articles that i am going to read tonight, and that should be enough...i dunno though its one of those essays that can cover many things....

anyways, tonight i am going to be in my room, doing essay plan, and sticking post-its on journals! oh what fun i have planned for my friday night!

last night was wine tasting - this morning, well for some of it was hangover of doom - a stupid amount of wine was drunk, it really was silly, but good coversation was had, lots of laughing was had by all, but this morning was a different story!

have been working on my war trauma reading today, i think that i am going to write the essay this weekend, well i have to because it is in soon, and so needs to be done. am going to work in the library tomorrow. have been in my room all day today, so need to get out. on saturday i am going to adrian's play - looks good.

anyways, not much else to say

seriously dont know what is wrong with my mood at the moment, its crazy. i was feeling fine when i left the lecture room, but on the walk home i just found myself crying - why? i just dont know - its bizarre and i dont like it one bit. am still in a mardy mood, i hope that wine tasting with the girlies will help that...am less anxious about something now for the time being anyways, my housemate has just helped me by saying to me "nobody is too good for you, you are too good for them", and i have been told that i have to remember that...we shall see.

anyways, my food is ready so am going to eat

have been in a right mardy mood, it started yesterday, and i thought that it would go after a nights sleep, but it hasnt. I had some vivid dreams that didnt make me happy, and i am still in a very mardy mood. am just going to go to sainsburys to get some grapes for the wine tasting tonight (the other girls are bringing cheese methinks), and i also have to give in my project outlines today, but what i havw written is a pile of poo. but i went to see the disability officer the other day, and told him stuff that has been on my mind, and my counsellor has sent a letter to my tutor too. so they are not kindof expecting a lot of stuff too.

otherwise - we won the quiz again on sunday that was good - both team name and the intelligent part which was quite rewarding.

but i heard some news on monday which has kindof upset me a bit, and worried me too, and i dont know what is going to happen now, and that has been on my mind, along with many an other stuff that was brought up in counselling, and just stuff that is happening in my life at the moment...i am very anxious at the moment - which is probably what is contributing to the mardy mood.

anyways, sainsburys is calling - will i get there before nine - doubt it

oh and photos of pancake party are very drunken and embarressing - so when blogger fully sorts itself out i will put them on!

oh and cloister lads - 20ps anyone - i need to do a clothes wash

note to self: next time i organise a party, make sure i dont have a nine o'clock the next day....

good night had by all....but the number of cans and bottles there are to recycle is silly!

will post more later