well, have just got back from the quiz...a team "won" with a suspicious 39/40 - we got 30, and we are damn clever - a bit of mobile phone action may have been happening. but the quiz was good and we always enjoy a night at the grove. am currently updating my blog in andys room. who i thought was commenting on my blog was not the person, and this is getting quite confusing and also frustrating for me, but hey, i suppose life goes on.

only a few days to eat chocolate before lent starts on wednesday, so i am going to get it all in, and then lose some weight during lent! not that that is the main aim, but it could be an added bonus.

and just to re-emphasise something, just because me faith is the lowest its been for a long time at the moment, it has not gone completely, i still believe, but i am finding it hard to be a good witness, and i am finding it hard to have a relationship with God, and to keep it consistant. its just because everytime i turn a corner, it feels like i am slapped on the face with a fish and get pushed back way more than i have worked up, and its hard to think why God will constantly do this to me.

anyways, and so to bed, want to do some work before i go to campus tomorrow

tara and good night
and just for Gareth - uhhh duh

just wanted to say a few things:

1: adrians home made pasta is lush - may have to start putting in my orders
2: i can be easily fooled by jonanthan and tom (too easily)
3: if gareth does not come to the quiz with us he is a loser - for sure
4: have got my outfit for the hawaaiin themed pancake party sorted


ummm..just had some news - my brother peter and his wife dav are going to be moving abroad because of her job - am gutted, as seeing him in England is hard enough, so seeing him abroad is going to be even harder, and i get on with him so well, so feel a bit bummed about that.

and once again found it really hard to get close to God in church today, an finding it hard to really maintain my faith at the moment, and many things are becoming a battle, and i dont like this feeling at all. i am feeling that there is something missing from me, and that if only i can get my faith back to its strength, then i will be able to feel a bit complete again.

and finally - ohh duh

here it goes...
well, have been feeling a wee bit delicate and stupid for having run out of a lecture crying, but hey. its just strange how things can build up and the little things trigger it all. but i am trying my best to look at the happy things that are going on and put things into perspective, i suppose my research that i am doing on war trauma is helping me on this.

yesterday i completed one of those huge samurai sudoku things, and i was very happy about that. was watching trashy tv in flat two, and watching how slowly the guys were getting increasingly pissed of with it! that made me chuckle.

am a little annoyed with my housemates...all this week they have been telling me to defrost the freezer (like its all my fault of course), so i say that I am going to do it today, and they tell me thats a silly idea - went to post a letter whilst muttering a few expletives under me breath (copying Adrians way of dealing with rage)..... so who knows when the freezer will be defrosted, but we cant have a chair keeping it shut for much longer....

well today has been interesting to say the least...

i only just arrived to the said stats lecture in time, and it was quite an interesting lecture as i have never really been taught quantitative data analysis before, and so learning about IPA and grounded theory was quite interesting....until he wanted us to do a data analyisis - the topic that he had chosen for our transcripts...looking at people with depression, who were finding it hard to find partners and feeling isolated and believing that they had no-one to talk to, and in some cases turning to self harm. now at first i just had the swelling up of tears, but i read one transcript that just summed up exactly how i was feeling, and burst into tears, and ran out of the lecture room...Ellie swiftly followed me, and then a few seconds later the lecturer was also there...oh zosia. he was very apologetic...Ellie was my spokeswomen saying that he had picked quite an insensitive topic for the lecture - poor Neil, he was very apologetic, and even said that i didnt have to go back into in the lecture, but after i had calmed down, i did go in for the last part. then i had a tutorial, and Kisane asked me if i was ok...the tears started again, so i turned to ellie and aksed her to explain (thank you ellie). Kisane was very nice, and spent a good 20 minutes with me today helping me decide what to do for me research project over the summer...my main topic is temp working, as i was a temp for ages last year, and either will be focussing in on what motivates an individual become a temporary worker, or whether they receive the adequate training for the job, and if not then why not, and what should be done to improve the situation.

anyways, so today i have been feeling a little bit delicate, and had another cry in my bedroom this evening. i do feel a bit stupid for crying in public ( i hate doing it), but sometimes when things get too much - and they have been getting really bad recently then it does just reach to boil over point, and thats it...there is only so much you can hold in, and today i think that i reached that point. i think some people on my course have noticed my right arm, even though for lectures i have been wearing longer sleeves...

but i have been getting so much support...in fact this afternoon, one of my Christian course mates sent me this: "i think you're great and so does God". that is the first time i have had like a christian messgae sent to me from somebody in nottingham, and at a time when i am feeling quite spiritually low, i really appreciated that loads.

anyways, a few more minutes working and then its attempt sleep time for the zosh, as she has a busy day tomorrow...

oh and dan asked me out with him on monday, but i was strong enough to say no - it was hard, but i did it. I dont want him to think that I am at his beck and call. there must be someone out there somewhere that will see me for who i am, and accept me faults and all....

on a lighter note, my pancake party is all set for next tuesday, and the date for next postgrad wine tasting has been set, and we have roped in more occ psych people, so it should be a blast

ok, so my blog the other day was a bit low but that is how i am feeling at the moment with my faith, but it is getting a bit better, and i am not feeling as low as i was, but still not as strong in my faith as i would like to be. well, i am going to have to do a lot of work because i am feeling a bit behind this week, and i dont like feeling like that, but have my nine oclock stats without maths in an hour, and then i have a tutorial. Oh yeah, last term results...two distinctions, and three merits, but one of the marks i am disappointed with, and so want to know what i have done wrong. but todays tutorial is about our research project which is good seeing as i dont know what to do yet.

anyways better get ready for campus

this weekend sure has had its ups and downs. last night was a great evening, i had a lot of fun, and probably made a tit out of myself in many ways, but leading up to last night, i had been in my room, working my arse off, not because i wanted to as i am behind, but it was because work all i could do to stop myself from thinking about other things that have really been upsetting me recently and just trying to keep my mind off things.

this morning was choir...the people in choir are lovely, and just let you be yourself, so if you feel shitty you say that. today, fr chris's sermon was very similar to the email that Fr Paul sent out on thursday. it was a good sermon, and gave me a bit of a much needed spiritual kick, but i just still cant help thinking that at the moment i feel very isolated in my faith. i miss the cathsoc community in exeter, and the very christian team that i had in africa, that i could talk about my faith freely with without being laughed at, or strongly debated against, and in some way i feel ridiculed for believing and having a faith. i am finding it really hard, and i know that it says in many places in the Bible that there will be people like this, and God is seeing what I am doing, and going through for just believing in Him, but at this moment it is making me feel very spiritually weak and isolated and alone, and when i used to go through a low point in my depression, God was one person i could always rely on, but at the moment He is feeling very distant and I am feeling freaked out. so today at church, it was quite appropriate that we sang "come back to me" as a hymn. even though we think that we are strong, we dont have the strength that we would have if we were with God, and so we have to go back to Him, and God who is there always waiting for us, will accept us back.

this afternoon this was playing on my mind, and i was tearful, and this made work hard. this and the added worry of getting exam results, and so this evening i have just spent a quiet night in, in my room watching a dvd, and now i am hoping to get a good nights sleep as i have six hours of lectures to endure tomorrow

must get to sleep. i am really missing my counselling, i thought that i would begin to explode a bit without it. I cant make it this week either which is going to be hard, but next week it should be back to normal.

ok, so some days this week just have not been the best for me mood wise, and i was up and down, and crying in my room whilst trying to work, and it was because i had run out of a-ds, and one day without them whilst waiting for my prescription was enough to make me feel awful. at least now i know that they actually make me feel a bit better as sometimes i do doubt this. and so this week has been quite hard, with it being my week of work also. yesterday i fell a bit as i was reading but it just wasnt going in, and so it was getting a bit hard. am going to do some more today, and this evening i have a bring and share meal at chateau raleigh park so that should be fun.

um, not much else to say, apart from robin hood and little john were walking through the forest......

reading bens blog last night i got jealous...oh how i loved the catenians quiz when i was in cathsoc, and we whopped their arses in my last year...so i was wishing i had a good healthy cathsoc around me every wednesday night again, and that i could sit in my lounge with a pint of cider that only cost me one pound, with james, lisa and mark (and sometimes others who stayed a lot later), and just be my own stupid self and nobody cared. and i just miss it and it made me sad...so then i looked at all my cathsoc photos, and found some of the catenians quiz, so i am going to blog them to remind me of the good old days....

some good team thinking and probably good team banter going on here

oh the days of the blue room

and cathsoc reign victorious, and with money out behind the bar i had a lot to drink that night!

anyways, enough of me thinking about the good old days, time for me to continue with my week of work! hardcore it is

although this is my hardcore week of work, i feel that at 10:40pm is a suitable time to finish work, and the thought of starting to read another journal does just fill me with a lot of dread! so stopping i am! have done alright though, have written my lecture notes up (all but stats, but am going to have a stats day and get it all done!), and have read three chapters for ergonomics from a book i had on request, and it was a really good book, it really explained stuff in easy to read language, and have just read a journal evaluating training - was good. did a lot of photocopying today too

and i didnt go food shopping straight after my lecture for various reasons, but i went this afternoon. when i left it was still light, but on the walk back it was getting dark. this usually wouldnt panic me, and didnt as much as i thought it would, but i did have a heightened sense of awareness of anyone that i thought may look a little dodgy around me...and this was raised when a police car went zooming past...but its ok really, you just have to be careful....

and my day today was brightened up by some post that came for me, and that i have been listening to this evening whilst doing my work. thank you my dear, that was such a nice thought of you, and i am enjoying it very much, and it will make my week of hardcore work more interesting having some new music to listen to whilst i have my head in books and papers. i love getting post - everyone does, but this post was cool!

oh and i had to buy yet anothe text book today, the library only has one of these books, which is insane especially as over 40 of us have been recommended to read it...anyways, thought i would bankrupt myself more

i think that i am going to rest my weary head, so some more hardcore work can be done tomorrow!
take care my lovelies
xxx

well, my hardcore week of work is continuing, and i have worked really hard today, and i am just taking a quick break now as my hand hurts for they have been writing loads recently. i was going to go shopping today, but by the time i had finished one piece of work that i was particularly wanting to do, it was dark...normally i would have gone out, but with the shooting of the police woman near here last night, and there being nobody to go with, i just ate something from the freezer, and i will go to the supermarket straight after my nine o'clock lecture tomorrow. but i have done my washing which is what i really wanted to do, as that was getting to be a dire situation too, but it means that i have to make up my bed before i can flop into it.

i hope that people who are in couples have had a good day - i do realise that it can be good for them...hopefully i will have my heart touched by my mr darcy soon..but for now i will just sit and work and be content in the fact that at least i am getting my work done in my hardcore week of work....oh yeah and on the way to campus there was the first signs that spring is on its way...i saw loads of crocuses (croci??) and it was so pretty.

am now just waiting for the tumble dryer to finish ( i am my worst own enemy here), and then i am going to make my bed, and then bed, and i do have the nine tomorrow!

not that i am bitter or anything- but i hate this day....really do. have got my usual pity valentines day card from my dad, brilliant.

my week if work is going ok, i have been working since 8:30 this morning...will be working tonight but also have to go shopping, my fridge shelf has on it half a cucumber a small block of cheese, an apple and a yoghurt..so food situation is a bit dire

anyways, am going to continue working and hating today!

for those who live or intend to visit nottigham, the grove in Lenton is one fine public house which never fails to disappoint. although we didnt win the quiz - one point off thanks to "dont worry, i know the answer" jonathan (gnu right back at you), we still did well when it came to prizes...two t-shirts, two grass skirts, two hawaiian garlands (ellie and i have our fancy dress outfits made up then), CD, and a bottle of wine!!!! brilliant! our quiz name today was quite good...having already used a question i am often asked (in jest i hope) by the lads "Do catholics believe in phone sex before marriage?", today we used Gareths oddity (he wasnt here), in "Do vegans spit or swallow?" now i know these names may sound horrid to the exeter lot, but swearing.
/ sex jokes and peadophilia always seem to win...so we are just jumping on the band wagon....

anyways, my week of work will continue tomorrow, with six hours of lectures, and a lot of work to be done in the evening.

so visit the Grove - big Kev is indeed a fine manager, and i dont know if i have said this, but i did finally get my cuddly toy last week, and i have named it.......................................................................










well it had to be Big Kev.


take care you crazy kids....bed time now!

works gone alright today, have read a few chapters, read a journal article, and am just reading abotu Factor analysis (when i say reading i mean reading and note-taking). have just printed off the notes for tomorrows lecture, its a long one, but looks quite interesting.

mass today was odd - i really needed a spiritual kick, but just didnt get one. every time i tried to focus for a prayer my mind just wandered, and it felt like i couldnt focus, even though i really wanted to...as i do have quite a few things and people that i need to pray for, and so i hope that i can have some time to pray and just get everything off my chest

now its time for dinner, fmaily have just rung, and then its quiz

oooohhh, and i heard from sbosh again today - it is exciting!

well, i was excited about going to bed last night, as to what my dreams will have for me, but they were dull dreams, dreaming about all the work that i have to do...as today i entered my hardcore week of work. it has to be done, so that i can get a lot of reading done..today it has gone quite well and so i am proud, but this week i can see myself doing some late stays on the library - my week of work proved successful last term, so we will see if it can be repeated. also it means that i get to work right through valentines day without having to really think about it...i have been trying to deny its existence but its a bot hard to. um....yeah so this week is going to be jolly i can tell...

have been doing some heavy thinking recently, and have come to some conclusions which is good, at last is all i can say. and i have no counselling for two weeks, so might explode...we shall see about this too. and in the last week i seem to have got a huge belly on me, and so that has to go too, its horrid, i dont know how it has happened, but i am shocked and appauled by it.

a bit of have i got news for you before i go to bed, as i have to go to choir tomorrow, am actually looking forward to church, i feel as if i need a bit of a spiritual kick.

according to my horoscope for today, i am going to have exciting and erotic dreams tonight, and that i am going to get some good financial news (the latter i particularly want, as i feel quite skint at this present moment of time).

am struggling through lecture notes at the moment, exeter people will know what i am like with my notes...oh how annoying i am with this!

anyways, not much else to say, am quite tired, a bit urgh today, but otherwise ok

well, postgrad wine tasting society was a great affair. it started off with being told how to taste wine properly, ie identifying colour, looking at the legs, the aroma and then the testing, and then we blind tested many a wine from south africa...and it was so much fun. ellie, emily and i went and met some very nice people, and obviously by the end of the night we were all bladdered. the thing was they were expecting 50 people, but only 30 came, so do the math, there was a lot of wine. oh yeah, next time we are going to take a cheese board (they provide crackers), but my green and browns chocolate went down well - it was quite sophisticated...up to a point. (lalalalalalala)

it took ellie and i a long time to walk home (We cant actually remember emily leaving), and this morning we had a presentation to do...it was....great.

have just come back from a meal with the girls, as we decided that we dont do this enough - the food was lovely...and we are going to make it a regular event, but not so expensive next time (even though we were doing buy one get one free meals, student deal - brilliant). and it was a very pleasant evening...justified by the fact that i wanted to get to a certain stage with my work by tonight and i reached that stage just before we had to leave...

zosia is going to have a rant - forgive me

i just get pissed of when people just complain about the lecturers all the time...i mean we are doing a masters course, the lectures are going to be hard, and its up to us to do the extra reading for the lecture so that we can confirm our understanding of things...if you dont do that, then there is no reason to complain. and if you go into a lecture that you think you wont understand, then with that attitude, you are not going to listen and thus completing the self fulfilling prophecy. this week i did find a lecture hard, but i have done some of the reading, and i can understand why the lecturer found it hard to lecture on the topic. and today, the lecturer that we had is not the best, and people have a hate for her, but i think that she really does try, and does her best, and todays lecture was really good, so i made an effort to go up to her afterwards and told her, and she was really pleased.

and now just another little rant about my housemates, i am now having to hide my condiments, as they are using them all the time which is so annoying. and yesterday for my tea i was having sugar snap peas, and i was having them with humous. one of them just said - give me...and i gave her one straight away...but next time (and she has done this in a few occassions) i am just going to say no, because i dont get a please or a thank you, and that really annoys me, and she uses my food from my shelf in the freezer - i saw it with my own eyes, and was so shocked....

anyways enough of a rant, have just got the latest tearcraft brochure and some of the stuff in there is beautiful...if i have a good weeks work, i might treat my self to two things that i really like, and at the end of the day, its a good cause. wine tasting tonight, have got green and blacks chocolate for ellie and i....mmmm

well, have finished my two chapters for ergonomics, and have understood it a bit which is good - just hope ellie understands the way that i have summarised it! just going to do my few slides for my presentation, and then bed as i have a nine o'clock tomorrow...but tomorrow evening i have postgrad wine tasting society which sounds really cool, but i have a cold, and so i just hope that i will be able to taste the wine!

ummm, have had a bit of a rant at housemates...yesterday they watched me clean the fridge without asking to help, even though they saw me remove mouldy items from their shelves....it was so horrid, and there was a bottle of mile in there with the best before 9th of january - it was foul. they havnt got toilet role, and i am fed up of providing it, and they dont take out the rubbish. they change the rubbosh bag, but leave it in the kitchen, and always infront of my cupboard, so whenever i want anything from my cupboard i have to move the rubbish to get to it, and that pisses me off like something chronic. so i ranted...but i have cracked and will be buying loo roll tomorrow for us all.

apart from that, my meeting with ausi boites (cathy) on sunday was cool..it was quite emotional and we had so many memories and little phrases and stuff, and we talked about the team, but it was so nice to see her again, and yeah, it was kindof emotional, but those guys and i went through so much those four months and so it will be emotional when you meet up with those special people and recall the times when we just had to put all our worries to God, and learn so much from each other. i spent some time in town alone after just to think, and not show that i had gotton emotional.

anyway, nine o clock tomorrow, so had better get on with my slides...they are going to be crap, but frankly i just dont give a damn at this time if night

i didnt want to get up at 7:30 this morning, but i had to because i had a nosebleed, and it didnt stop for 40 minutes - great, a good start to the day u thought. have just had a lecture which was very interesting, and i was able to apply it to my africa trip in the way that our team developed, and we have just had a little planning group for our presentation on thursday...and now i am going to make notes on ergonmics from Cox and Cox...not very exciting - sorry...

have had a bit of a busy unsuccessful day which in some ways has pissed my of chronically, so i am not in the best of moods, thats why i am in my room, and writing up my lecture notes, as i have lots to do, and one of my lectures was so poor today, i came out feeling incredibly thick and just argh....

and to top it all off some loser has just put their tumble drying on - its nearing 10:30, and this is just wrong - its lucky that i am still working and not trying to sleep, but i still feel like turning it off just because of the priciple of it. its so bloody annoying.

but counselling was quite good today, luckily i can carry on with the group even though i cannot make the next two weeks meetings, so that is good, but its going to get harder as we start doing cbt stuff which seems very daunting, although i know that it has a good record.

anyways, really want to finish this lecture, but i doubt i will

was just about to go to bed, and thought would check my emails, just in case, and i am soooo glad that i did, cos I had an email from Sbosh, which was juts totally great - he is a dude and a half, and we (lesotho guys) miss him so much - he was part of our team too, and we will never forget the man....so that has made me happy...its a bit of a lesotho weekend actually, as i am meeting ausi boithatelo tomorrow for lunch which will be great, havnt seen her since july!




oh oh oh de sbosh is in the middle - i on my last day as ausi nthabiseng am on the left, and ausi kananelo is on the right - this was on the morning we left....the glasses - we were crying, and its not good in Lesotho to show such emotions - its a sign of weakness.....

what a good way to end the day

Was reading the times 2 part of the newspaper over tea, and there it was, something that made me happy, a quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupery himself, from one of the best books i hav ever read - Le Petit Prince:

"Men have forgotten this truth" said the fox. "but you must not forget it. You have become responsible forever for what you have tamed".

Brilliant

have had a few nosebleeds today which is not so strange as i do get them sometimes, but usually when its summer, and my hayfever is bad, not when its really cold...so that has made today strange.

went to sainsburys on my way home from campus today, and i was only supposed to get a few things, but my basket was getting fuller and fuller of stuff that i didnt need but wanted - it was that type of shopping, but i got grapes and they are lovely.

dont know whats happening tonight if anything, may try and get another article read...

saturday is going to be stats day - fun!

it is very strange to think that this time last year it was my last day at working at the LSC before i took time out to get ready for Lesotho - the year has gone so quickly its insane...i cant believe that i have had that africa experience. i was on the bbc website yesterday looking at the famine crisis in africa, and they had a series of photos showing the problems in Lesotho, and i recognised some of the areas which was so bizarre, and when my team mates ring up and we speak out limited sesotho to each other its strange.

anyways, i seem to have developed a small smarties addiction which is not very good. work on participatory ergonomics is as about as thrilling as it sounds. am going to go to campus this arvo, and then will pop into sainsburys on the way home - i really want some grapes but dont have any...but this has been an expensive week as have paid my hall fees, and so dont want to think about the state of my bank account.

finished my peep show dvd last night - i recommend it to everyone - v funny

what a busy week of lectures, but it has ended now - this week we have started five different modules - thats a lot....and it has been hectic getting all the writing up of my notes, and the reading done, but i have been getting there...
i was supposed to be getting up quite early this morning, but when the news waking me up was saying that it was -2 outside, i thought that it would be safer (for my health), if i stayed in bed for that little bit longer.

am having a huge craving for chocolate and things that are generally really bad for you, which is annoying, but i am wearing a pair of jeans ive not worn for a while as i can fit into them at the mo, and i want to keep it that way.

am determined to finish this bit of work i am on at the moment, so had better get back to it....

and lastly, ausi thato, am soooo sorry that missed your call last night, my phone was on silent, and i had just fallen knackered into bed...but the version of reaohle boha was lovely, kealeboha and i will speak to you soon....you cant escape nthabi that easily!

according to my horoscope today, its a good day for learning and retaining information - so had better get working a bit harder so that I can learn some more things...

didnt sleep great last night, but better then the night before, so interesting isnt it!?

nowt much else has happened