I feel really bad about what i wrote about my gran on my last post, but its true. yesterday it was the same, more tears...i know she is sad, and i know it must be terrible for her, but when i am going through such a low patch myself i cant handle it and it is driving me crazy. we are having her over for new years tonight, and i just really want to escape it, but i cant, and its making me mad. i love her to bits, but when i am so low, having someone else crying around you just doesnt make you feel any better - it just makes you become more introspective and find yourself hating yourself more...and that is why i just cannot cope, and why my christmas this year has been very subdued - good news is that i have lost a pound in weight though!.

so like every year, i do a look back and a look forward. this last year has been hard with masters, and dziadzio dying, peter moving to madrid and not seeing him for nearly nine months now and other events in my life, but it has also been great - my word I passed my msc, i have graduated, i have secured some amazing friendships with people, and have managed to smile a little...

but i do want 2007 to be better - i want my career now, not just to get me going, but it will also give me an income so i can finally leave home...i want to get rid of mt meds (going to be hard, but i want to do it), maybe find my man who will whisk me away - or at least i can share good times with, lose that last little bit of weight to get me back to my target weight, and make even more friends to share good times with....so not much then.

i just want to say thankyou to everyone for making this year what it was - to my fabulous nottingham (especially cloister friends) who made up such a big part of my life this year - you are all truly fabulous...to people in exeter who i know i have for my support, to my bros who care for me, and to anyone else that i have forgotton (including my fit boss).

i would like to wish everyone a happy new year, and may it be truly fabulous and full of joy and goodness for you!

take lots of care
xxxx

this is going to sound so not like me, but i am finding it so hard to be with my nan at the moment - it is so depressing. I know that it must be terrible for her especially at these special times, but i cant hear about how much he suffered anymore - i know that my grandad suffered tremendously, i know that and i feel for her terribly, but its so hard for me to try and get better myself when all i hear is that. i feel so bad for thinking like that - i feel really selfish for feeling like that, but its getting me more down then ever....i really need a break.

i have just had four brilliant songs play in a row - when you get those shivers down the back of your spine - you know its a good song - at the moment, listening to music is the only escape from a lot of things that i have. well i have been reading lots too - finihed sense and sensibility yesterday - good, but not as good as P&P obviously - that book will always excite me, and i always find birlliniant quotes in that book everytime i read it...i am reading a new book at the moment - i have only just started so i dont really want to pass judgement yet - but some segments have described me to a tea - in fact its quite scary...it has summed up my worst fear in the world which is ever so scary...

not much else - oh am planning my poster for the POP, am excited to have seen the brochure on the web with mu abstract in it! sad i know, but its there - my name and everything. might watch series three of peep show to cheer me up - hey jonathan, for christmas i got the mitchell and webb show before they did peep show! very excited to watch it!

Christmas has been pretty subdued this year...i always thought that it would be, babcia was a bit teary during both wigilia and at our house on christmas day...that was sad to see, and all she could say at the end of the day was that she was glad that christmas was over...so yeah, it wasnt the most jolly christmas in the Bajorek household. that has also shown in the amount that i have been eating - very little. on christmas day..yeah my veggie alternative was disappointing, but i could only manage one roast potato and a handful of veg, and hardly any christmas pudding...oh well. i suppose that when things arent so cheery then you dont eat so much.

i also really miss peter not being here, or even in the country as i get on really well with him, and i dont even have my brother to talk to.

New years will probably be much of the same as that is likely to be spent cheering up nan who would have celebrated her 56th wedding anniversary the day before...oh what a joyous way to bring in the new year...dont you all wish that you were with me! bet you do!

today i went to a different church then my usual parish in petts wood...i went to the polish service at the old peoples home in Chislehurst. This is because my babcia had asked for a mass to be dedicated to dziadzio who died in april, so my mum, aunt and myself went with her for support. I hate it when my mum cries - it always sets me off, a few blinks, and some hard swallows, and i kept the tears in. my nan was very composed, but there will be tears tonight at wigilia for sure, no doubt about that.

am sad that my brother peter is not going to be with us this christmas - he is having christmas in madrid with the in-laws...it will be strange with out him here..i miss him more then i let on. I am very close to him.

but, i am happy that mark and karen won strictly last night...i hope that a dvd of the series comes out.

and this time, i would like to wish everyone a merry christmas - this year it will be hard, noot just with dziadzio not being with us, and peter being in madrid, but because it has been quite a hard year for other reasons...and i sure miss so many people in mhy life right now...

take care all, and to any other polish people reading this - have a lovely Wigilia...stuff yourself with all the goodness that it brings.

have a merry and blessed christmas everyone
xxx

well, it has been a poorly, busy and stressful few days...but i have survived, and even did all my christmas shopping in four hours...now, i have gotton my parents something a bit drastic, shant reveal it for a while, will see if they like it first, and this afternoon, i have made some mince pies...

anyways, i think i will see if blogger will allow me to put any graduation photos up...and then some people may be able to see me with my dark hair! nope, i am not originally blonde - i promise you



this is me in my suit that we got for graduation - tis a nice suit...this is after the ceremony has been, as we were being rushed out of the building



this is in front of the trent building, and the lake, and at the major gates of the university - coolio



Well, if i was paying £50 for the hire of the gown, then i am going to make the most of it



and some of the girlies before the ceremony - they helped me throughout my year..it was sad that i graduated at different times to me and different days to my boys who really did help me, but i suppose its the memories that I have in my head that are the most important...

anyways, have to make my next batch of mince pies now

xxxx

i always thought that it was my adrenaline that was keeping me going for a while now, and it proved correct. as soon as my graduation was over yesterday, on the drive home my cold began to show itself in its true colours, and today i have done nothing but lie down, cough, and refil my hot water bottle as i have been so cold...but i have a lot to do before wednesday and so I am getting a bit concerned as to when i am going to get everything done, but when there is a will, there is a way, and there certainly is a will.

graduation was indeed very good. it was great seeing my friends again - not everyone was there, but a lot of the lovely girls were, all very congratulatory, all very lovely, and all very smart! graduation service itself was all very formal as they get, but what i did like about nottingham is that they take photos of you when shaking hands with the chancellor, so i smiled my way on stage, and we got that photo...

the buffet was good, and i was so so pleased like you would not believe that my babcia was able to come...that made my day like you would not believe.

but now i am poorly, and must shake it off before wednesday, and do some hard graft before then too

ok, its been a while since i have blogged, soryy, have had a few busy days

monday and tuesday - my last two days at SDG - thankfully! no more photocopying, on the last day the manager had only just caught a glimpse of my CV and said sorry to me that they had not used my skills at all! never mind.

then on tuesday night i met my brother and some friends and we went to see Mitchell and Webb live which was very good - i had much enjoyment!

yesterday - i got my newly coloured dark brown hair cut and styled all ready for graduation on friday - i will then be certified a little but clever! i then cokked an amazing vegetarian lasagna - it was so yummy i was very proud! and it was my mums birthday yesterday - so happy birthday mum - love you to bits, but you already know that!

today i have a wee bit of a busy morning...have an application to do, and packing to sort out!

got such a lovely message from Lineo from Lesotho - it nearlt made me blubber all over my breakfast - she is such an inspiration - i love her to bits.

yesterday i received some scary info about something that i have to do next week - my weekend will be packed now...but i am to forget about that until after graduation - i dont want anything to ruin that day

so long people, so long
xx

this weekend has been quite busy but good fun. i met jonathan after work on friday, and he came back to mine, we had tea, and chatted, and looked at train times for when we had to get into london and distances between places. on saturday jonathan went for his first house viewing, whilst my mum and i went to find a suit for me to graduate in on friday. I got a merit in my masters overall, a distinction in my actual research project, but a merit overall. that is more than i ever thought that i would get, so i cannot grumble at all. suit got, and an jacket that i had been wanting for a while, i dropped back home, made a sandwhich, and got into London to meet jonathan. we went to tuffnall park to see one possible flat, and then went to honor oak park (and not hollyoak park jonathan), and that is where the flat was that jonathan is now going to live in - and it is lovely. to celebrate, we made our way back to victoria, enjoyed a lush pint of strongbow - its funny how it does change slightly...and then enjoyed a lovely meal in ASK in Victoria, where i would flirt with the waitors and pizza makers...no joke! we then made our way back home so that jonathan could watch match of the day...and then i let my weary head rest.

this morning, jonathan stayed in whilst i went to church (couldnt get the atheist out of him), and then we chatted and watched telly till it was time for jonathan to get back home....it was a good weekend...very good!

i have coloured my hair...now a lot of people in my life who i consider to be very good friends, and a lot of my work colleagues, have never seen how dark my original hair colour is. Now my hair is now very dark...it was a bot of shock at first, but then i have been blonde for over two years, so i have to get used to dark hair again...!i think many people are going to get shocked with it....

anyways, two more days of work to get through, and on tuesday i get to see mitchell and webb live which should be wicked...i need a hair cut and then i graduate...and then who knows? i sure dont
x

it has just passed my bedtime, and i am not near bed...wont be getting up to run tomorrow morning! have just finished one of the longest application forms i have ever had to do...it will get there a week before end date..fingers crossed - it sounds like a good job.

good news - today i got a stool, other good news - jonathan is coming for the weekend! only three more days at work now - wohoo!

um, not much else to say really - going to do a quick tidy of ma chambre, although jon has alreadt witnessed the state of my room, so he is immune to it! must go to bed cos i am tired

xx

just a quick post as i am so tired its untrue - morning runs although helping me, also tire me out tragically...this morning i almost missed my station, and did one of those jump when you wake up moments - oh dear.

no stool was given to me today - manager wasnt very happy! never mind, only got 4 more days. Steve my old boss has said its fine for me to put his name on about four application forms that i have been doing - he is so cool, he was chuffed that i emailed to asj, and says he is going to hunt me out in the building - will be nice to have a catch up.

throat kills, and have had a wee little cough today, good litle msn chat with dear Katy, and now i am off to bed, as i am tired....

good night
xx

an exciting thing happened at work today - shock horror i know! i am getting a stool so i dont have to stand on my feet everyday for the 8 hours that i work! hurrah! a stool! i could have even had it today, but for health and safety reasons i could not carry it up the stairs, but health and safety dont care that i have very little standing room, and have been on my feet for a fortnight with no-where to sit - oh well!

anyways, jonathan - looking forward to you coming down this weekend...i will be outfit shopping for the day....wohoo! will leave the dying of hair till you have gone!

hmm, am really addicted to chocolate money at the moment - it is so good! love it - so if you want to be my friend...you know the way to go!

its strange how in my old department i was really wanting to be extended, but for this one i am counting down the days i have left - yep - only 5 now...next week mitchell and webb live, and graduation - fabo!

today i have felt a bit poorly...it feels like a thousand people have gone down my throat with forks...ouch. work was the same old same old..only 6 days left wohoo! a few more applications to fill - its tiring work.

well done jonathan - congratualations - you deserve it, a little help from inside too - but well done! will be good to have you in London and closer so that I can have somewhere to escape to when i am going crazy with parents and still jobless cos nobody wants me!

and finally, I have been having such vivid dreams recently - really vivid - some have been mirroring what has actually taken place in my day, but others have been metaphorical - a few have driven me to tears, so its all up and down....

anyways, jonathan is on the phone

xxx

as most people know, i visit my gran every sunday - she lives close by, and i always see her then to tell her what i have been up to in the week, and to see that she is ok. today was like no other. i went over to Jonathans jealousy to watch a Polish soap opera that we always watch together, and we then started to have a little talk about christmas, and where we going to have midnight mass, as we love midnight mass, its what makes my christmas eve after wigilia. anyways, it all got very tearful, and i held my nan as she was in tears talking about dziadzio and how much she missed him, and how its going to be so sad this christmas, and how she doesnt think that she is going to cope through it. it was so sad to hear and see, and its so true. i dont know how i am going to do it, as i am still very sad about it, and it is something that i havnt really got over too. my grandad being ill has been such a major part of my life, and the fact that he has no gone is very sad, and with everything else that has happened this year, i havnt thought or prayed about him as much as i should, and for that i feel bad. it has been a tough year for me in mnay ways, with my mind, my work, my job hunting, my relastionships with people, my future paths - everything is all so up in the air, and this has taken me away from the simple act of grieving for my grandad which i still have to properly do. so all in all i have had a bit of a tearful evening, as i hate seeing my nan cry, and it really hurts me to know that she is in so much pain and i cant do anything about it. i wish that i could take away some of it for her...although i have all my own troubles that are stopping from sleeping all night, i wish i could just take away a bit of it, and help her as she has helped all of our family throughout her life.

i am a bit blue and teary - sorry

well, last night, i made a huge sacrifice! i didnt watch strictly come dancing (and that usually does make my whole saturday night), and instead i went out to Leicester Square to meet up with Sir teacher Glasbey! it was a nice night - although I think the next time we meet up we have to choose somewhere slightly less busy as it was like a needle in a haystack....and i was so happy when he said to me "you look a lot slimmer than the last time a i saw you...not to say you were fat last time, but have you lost weight?", he has a lot of scottish tact! well in fact i have lost 2.5 kilos - so i know that my early morning running is working, and i am now going to continue with it!

we got out tickets for the Bond movie, and then went to have some drinks and a long chat about lots of stuff which was just really cool and chilled, and then we went to watch the film - definately a Bond movie for the women (daniel craig looks lush in some scenes), and there are plenty of comedy lines...dan managed to guess who the good and bad people were - i didnt understand how he did, but apparently it was easy! on the way out, i tolf him the story of when jon and tom managed to convince me that 007 was actually 006 - he laughed a lot. we both had to run quite fast, i he had to get the last tube home, and i had to get back via two tube lines to get the last train home - i only just made it...but a very pleasant night was had and hopefully we will be doing it again soon.

it was a much needed night out with pleasant company who always manages to give me a smile and a compliment.

just means i will have to watch the catch up show of strictly tonight! oh well, it was worth it.

not happy about the work i have to do this week, but i only have 7 days left as i am going to graduate soon, so that will be that, and the week leading up to christmas is going to be hectic and scary for other reasons

so i am constantly tired and not very happy, and i am not dealing with my downest mood in a long time very well at all, and i dont like it...i need to cheer up, but i just dont know how. new job have found that they may be being a little bit illegal, making me stand on my feet for over 8 hours a day with no room for a chair, and when i said i have splitting headaches due to the way i have to stand and bend they were even more shocked...so they are ordering me a stool - but the amount of beuracracy around this is untrue...i miss CDS a lot.

http://www.legalservices.gov.uk/docs/consultations/AR_bookmarked_use.pdf

if you visit this, pages 11-27 is what i was analysing, doing and proof-reading and helping to re-edit....all the figures are down to me - i can be proud of that.

and to top it all off, yesterday i had an incident invloving a kettle, boling water and my hand which ended very painfully, and needed to be put into cold water for a very long time, its now red and sore.

weekend is application and something else that is in the pipeline but not 100% organised yet

but all in all bad mood, down mood, and achey mood - great!

today, i was trying to plan ways in which i could damage the photocopier at work - not fatally, but just a little broken so that i didnt have to do any more - it didnt work...someone else broke it a little in my lunch break, but it was fixed by the time i came back (and i only take 30 mins). this job is soul destroying, it really is. i emailed steve today to ask him a few questions about something, and tell him what i am doing, as he asked to keep in touch - i did a jokey but serious email too! i may go and pop in on my old department soon - will see if i get a response. tomorrow, is going o be the same as today, preparation for peer review...which means photocopying files - its not good fun, and i am on my feet all day and it hurts, and i have to bend over for a lot of the day today too - so my back and neck begins to hurt! and today, being the clever girl i am i left my walllet at home - all money, train tickets and everything - but luckily i had my work pass in my coat pocket so that i could get in the building.

not much else to say - i am blue, and down, and not dealing with it too well, but we shall se what happens...maybe it will all change soon - i sure hope that it does.

woah - my last post was crazily happy - but i was on such a high from my last temp placement, and the night out that they gave me, i was allowed to. but i suppose because my last job was so good, that i forgot how crap some temp jobs could be, well i was hit with a big slap in the face this week with my next job! i am at the commission again, but in yet another department - and i have been married to a photocopier and then data entry! even though i work as slowly as i possibly can - and this is no joke - i am still told that i work too fast! oh well. have to email my old boss and ask him questions about something that i am doing now, and i am sure that he will be happy to help me....

this week has been up and down, and i may not have been taking my anger out appropriately. thursday was good - i go out for my lunch break with Jonathan! Yep it was sooo cool to see him (yep it was!), and have a chat and stuff. and it was cool having a chat after work too - you never know jonathan, you may end up being one of those city w*****s that you dis-liked so much! it was good having a cheeky pint too - was a nice catch up!

yesterday i went to church as our new parish priest was being inducted by the bishop into the parish (i say parish priest, but he is officially 'priest in charge'), and it was a really nice service and nice time afterwards, and i am very glad that i went. he is a good priest, and the bishop was also a dude!

today, havnt been doing that much, as the weekend is my time to chill a bit, as work is tiring, and i get up early on weekdays to run before work too! so its my lie in chance as well.

and lastly, and something that Katy found very hysterical on the phone the other day (i just think that it shows my incredibly sad nature), but i emailed Matt Cutler off strictly come dancing last week - and i was very happy when i got a reply! yep, i told you it was sad, but it sure made me smile.

take care one and all

ok, so this week has been one of the most up and down weeks that i have had for a long time, but yesterday i shed a few tears because i was happy - hurrah!

it was my last day on the CDS team at the commission which i was really sad about, but had finished all my work early and so helped steve write and edit another consultation paper. it was getting later in the afternoon, and i was just waiting for the leaving drinks that were happenning when steve called me into the meeting room. he sat me down, and then he said that i had been the most conscientious temp worker he had met and the director and assistant director of the team could not believe how hard that i had worked and that it had not gone un-noticed. This is what then shocked me - he said that if there was not a recruitment freeze in the department at the moment then they would have snapped me up, and kept me as they were that pleased with my work. he said that he was gutted because i was the cool one in the office that everyone liked and wanted to keep, and that he had always wanted that position, and that i had a lovely personality always willing to help and always smiling, and that i would fit into any office so easily! seriously, i didnt know what to say. he then said he knew that i wouldnt be temping for long, but if i was and they needed somebody then they would ring up my agency and ask for me personally, and that he was more than willing to write as many references for me that i needed. i just said "well, i wasnt expecting that, but thank you for just giving me the experience, and i was just doing my job", to which he shook his head and said that i had gone over and above the duty of my job which was why they kept on extending me! i was very embarressed, but very proud.

i was then leaving, when the assistant director said that he was sorry that there was no more work to give me so that i couldnt be extended, told me that i would be requested if they needed a temp, and that he wished me all the success in the future

then the team proceeded to get me very drunk, and we all laughed until we nearly wet ourselves...gave claire a real huge hug cos she is just ace, and am keeping in touch with them all...and then got in at just gone one, and made myself chips cos i hadnt eaten for 12 hours, and had a belly full of alcohol!

so i am job-less for now, but steve is going to ring my agency and put a good word in for me so that i can get better jobs. but i need a doctors appointment anyways, cos some things have happened this week, so i need to sort that out with the doctor - so that will be monday.

that is not the temp response that i was expecting or would ever have thought that i would get...i couldnt believe it, i really couldnt, but it has given me a boost to my confidence - to know that although i know very little about criminal law they would have still wanted me in that team! i think a go me is much deserved!

and well done jonathan - am glad you got my rambly message, and if pudsey is not impressed then i certainly am - and i have got some info to email you that may be handy...chat soon?

xxx

at the moment, i dont have a job on monday - and its not because i mucked up my interview - infact the feedback was that i interview well - no - its because i plainly said that i just didnt want to work in that place because the interviewer was so rude it made me livid, and cry...

first of all there was a blatent disregard for my cv - she had to ask whether i had a degree (my cv clearly shows i have two), when i talked about africa she looked shocked - of course africa is on my cv, and she seemed surprised that i was currently in a job when that is on my cv, and my agency had also sent it in a covering letter.

that wasnt what really annoyed and upset me - i just thought that was unprofessional, and didnt look good for the organisation.

what upset me was the discussion about my name...instead of asking in a post interview "thats an interesting name" type question...she just said - oh your name - its not english is it...she then continued to ask if i was born in the country, am i a british citizen, were my parents english, and how did my family come to england. i thought that this was disgraceful...not only doesnt it matter if i was actually born in poland (as i would still be able to get a temp job) but the complete discriminatory tone was just disgusting. i even put on my cv that my nationality is british as i know my name doesnt look English, and if she had bothered to look at my cv she would have seen that. i was disgusted. i answered in a polite as manner as possible, did my work sample and left.

my agency was really good and said that it wasnt worth the stress and i said i didnt want the job even if they said they would go up to £10/hour - i am not willing to work in a place that has such poor professionlism

i arrived at work a bit teary, and just went straight to my desk head down. steve came over a few minutes, to ask how it all went, and saw that i wasnt in a good mood/upset - he was also disgusted about the interviewer and told me that i was worth better than that, and that the organisation had lost out - andrew and rebecca said the same...claire came in after i had calmed down again, and she asked me how it had gone, and she was livid for me, but the rest of the afternoon we just made up jokes about it! and she was having a bit of a bad afternoon too, and so we made it chocolate afternoon, and she got me a chocolate bar - it was good - still have some of it, as i cant eat a whole bar in one go.

work-wise - i cleaned up all the spreadsheets, and now i am doing the problem file - i found a quote that was "spot on" and "excellent" for steve, just what he wanted - go me, and checked out other things....tomorrow i finish up and clean up things, and do some more proof reading and thats it, my working time there will be done.

we will see what happens next week tomorrow - keith my consultant said he was adament that he would get me somewhere decent, we shall see...

now that is what i call a bad interview

today, was a better day. i am at work till friday, and tomorrow, i have a mini interview for my possible new temp placement next week that will last for a while - well how long i want it for! i had a chat to me boss (he called me into the meeting room, i felt like a naughty school girl going to see the headmaster) and he explained to me what is going on, and what is needed, and how my work that i have been doing is going to help, and i had a chance to say a few things too - and apparently i did not let it show at work that i was in a foul mood. by the end of play today i had only 6 errors throughout the whole of the 6 spreadsheets, and the problem folder was halved! hurrah - am so close to giving them all their stats - go me!

new job - if i get it has increased pay and less money to be paid on travel, so lets just hope - fingers crossed.

i have enjoyed my placement in CDS, i have learnt a lot and met some lovely people. with myself and andrew leaving on friday, claire was sad this evening, she will miss having someone to natter with...

anyways, online job hunt now

however much i do love my work, and i have really enjoyed it, today i nearly exploded at steve - and its not really his fault, but i have been on a knife edge all day, well for the last few days...anyway back to the original story, my rest of the week was changed three times, from you are here till friday, you are not here till friday, and when i left, well its a bit uncertain (no shit sherlock), anyways that nearly made me scream...as well as doing all the spreadsheets which is just frustrating with people wanting stats that i cant give them, because they havnt been coded...grr - if people want to get stats, then they should CODE THE DATA! the thing is i am doing work cos other people havnt done it correctly, so that is not my problem

then my agency have been giving me shit all day which nearly made me cry at work

then i just have shit at home, and i feel shit, so have been on the brink of tears all day...it wasnt steves fault, but steves news of my uncertainty just put the nail in the coffin...i just smiled at him and said it was fine like i usually do, but inside i was bubbling.

and then i made a dramatic entrance home, when i opened the door, was checking the post and blood just started pouring out of my nose, i missed my clothes, but the carpet got a lot - and that was a sign of my stress.

so today zosia is not so much of a happy girl at the mo, and on the edge of tears, and they will probably come out tonight. will see what happens tomorrow, will chat to steve tomorrow i think, especially asking for a reference and stuff, but hey we shall see tomorrow - it is very stressful in the office right now anyway, so i cant really take it out on them - i am only a temp at the end of the day, and this is the way that temping works.

i have had a stressful day. i cleared one spreadsheet, but then i realised that there were lots of problems on another spreadsheet that we had - normally - i am the only one who worries about this, but when steve went eek - that is when i got really worried - will be working like pig on speed tomorrow.

my agency are also annyoing me - how the f*** am i supposed to my long term availability when i am going through applications and interviews at the moment...they should understand the uncertainty of this work - but its only because they have two possible jobs for me, both which need longer than just a few weeks. but i dont need that extra hassle when there is a lot of stress in the office about the report that i am helping to do on friday.

i also did a talk to the christian fellowship at kpmg today as they sponsored me to go to lesotho, so i did my talk on lesotho - that went well. i was thanking them for the money they gave me, but when i left they gave me a thank you gift for talking - you cant win, you go and thank somebody for money, then you get money for going to say thank you ( i am not complaining, it just makes little sense).

so am a bit stressed, but hopefully tomorrow, when i have sorted out the problems (and i will sort them out)it will be a bit better - i am going to show steve that i can do it, and that i am worth the money that they have been paying me.

grrr

what a day
today, i was so happy when church was full - i have not seen it so busy for a long time and it was lovely.

i have been very tired, and not very happy.

went to babcias and had a chat with her and told her about friday, she was happy, but we all have fingers crossed.

am looking forward to work tomorrow as at least there i get appreciated unlike at home where i get sworn at for washing a pan that i needed to cook tea in.

am giving a talk in my lunch hour tomorrow about lesotho, should be good, ahve written talk and done powerpoint.

have a headache, will straighten my hair and have an early night tonight

x

tonight i thought that i waa going to enjoy having the house to myself, but in fact that has been far beyond the truth. i have been reading a few things, some personal, some things that others have given me, said to me or written to me, and then obviously, the obligatory thinking that happens after that, and i have been in floods of tears, and even when i try and think of times when i have been happy, many times this week infact when people at work have just been so lovely to me, i just cant stop the tears. although i have had some great times at work this week, and obv i have blogged about the happy times that i have had there, that doesnt mean that i am happy in everything - far from it. claire and i have had some quite deep discussions, its been good talking to somebody new, and getting a new perspective in things, but she is quite perceptive anyway.

i am crying as i write this now - havnt had a night like this for a long time, its been building up, and now when i am all alone, i can let it all out.

am going to bed to ponder some more, and hopefully i will feel better tomorrow. church tomorrow will be a parade mass, to remember those who died for us in the world wars, and following conflicts - God bless there souls.

xxx

yesterday work was really nice to me. they calmed me down, gave me a do not disturb sign, gave me two and a half hours out to prepare, a good luck sign, and afterwards a slab of chocolate cake - and steve didnt retract any of his good lucks and made the room nice for me, including a phone - "get is quickly paul, it is very important zofia has one!". so they were ace. oh they also let me go early because it was friday, i had had a hard day, and i was a star!.

it was supposed to be my last day, but steve rang keith at my agency and extended me some more...it is originally for three days, but steve said that it would probably be a week because he wants me to keep on drafting the report and be there when it finally gets sent to print on friday - but that will then definately be the end of my time at the commission because the job will be done! But my agency may have another job lined up for me - cos they love me!

now, am doing my talk about africa that i am doing to some people in monday, have made up a photo album already, going to do a quick powerpoint of photos to use during my talk, and take in a few aretfacts etc...

so yeah, am in kidof a good mood. have done some usual whining to some people - you get me? but i am sure it will all be good.

better get on

today i think i will call Zosia Appreciation day

it started up when my agency rang to say that they had heard good things about my work, and that i was to be congratulated because of that, and that i was the only one of the temps to be extended.

then a little conversation will be played out and imagine steve with an irish accent - which he has btw!

me: steve?
steve: yes zofia
me: do you want to have the stats for the breakdown of the general questions, and the per centages for question 1?
steve: what...whats wrong with the spreadsheet?
me: nothing is wrong!
steve: well, is it going to put you out of a lot of work?
me: no not at all!
steve: what?!
me: i have them right here, the final numbers!
steve: what?!
me: yes we have a complete spreadsheet, no errors, no imcompletes
steve: you're great you are, what a star
claire (who i sit next to): she's good isnt she
steve: she is more then good, she is brilliant!
claire: good work ethic
steve: brilliant
claire: i quite like her
stever: i like her a lot. in fact we all do
claire: i would quite like to keep her!
steve: it would be good wouldnt it!

so that was nice...and when i was leaving, claire said to me, we do talk about the temps, and we do say that you were the best of them! would have finished two spreadsheets today, but was called to do an emergency task as as a result of a meeting, so i missed out on two hours..oh well! tomorrow ia bout my 5th/6th last day...i hope i get extended a bit more

so it was a good day

am a bit nervous about something that i have tomorrow, but work are being very nice about it.

not much else to say, i know i am being a bit secretive, will tell all when i can, and when i see how things go.

work is actually making me really happy - goss with claire, laugh with steve, seeing all my old friends from children and family - its good! who would have thought that i would have enjoyed this temping lark so much - i certainly didnt...not after my research - but the people sure do make the placement, and i have met some lovely people!

good news - have been extended to the end of the week! i thought i would as there are many incompletes left on the five spreadsheets, and i still may be helping them find stats if they take on any of my ideas...

they have booked me a meeting room on friday for something..oh very mysterious! and i have just sent off another job application, with quite a strong covering letter
busy busy bee right now.
i feel that i have been neglecting some people for a time - and i am sorry for that, but literally i get up at 6, come home at about 7, eat, do applications/presentations for monday and then go to bed so i am in bed at 10 - if i havnt collapsed before then...will try and get better soon

xxx

another good day at work - have missed my calling as a proof reader! have made many changes to the document that we are drafting, and found the stats for them, and suggesting more facts and stats that they should maybe act if they wanted to make the work more comprehensive, and if not then suggesting ways that the document could be re-worded...really beyond my job-description of data analyst, but hey i am really enjoying it, and this may create laughs in many people minds, but i was correcting Steve's grammar! how funny! apparently, i missed my calling as a proof reader.

tomorrow may possible be my last day, but i cant complain. secretly i hope that it wont be as i like it there, but hey if it is i cant complain, i have had fun, earnt some money and developed some brilliant experience in analysis.

have also had some other exciting news today, but shall keep that to myself for now


xxx

today has been a gooood day!

am not doing the 'usual' temp work at all! now i am having to help draft the response from the DCA about the consultation report that i have been working on! no joke. my boss - will be known as steve from now on, keeps on saying to me what else do you think we should add, make any changes you want, change sentences, find stats, re-work things - it has been great! who would have thought that a temp would do something like this!

i am the only temp who has been carried on this week, have been booked till wednesday, but we think that there will have to be more as there is so much to do, some things are a royal mess, and steve cant work things out, and nor can i! so all in all, by wednesday i would have been working there for four weeks - not bad for what was originally a three day placement

i had to move computers too, and the lasy i was sitting next to was happy that i was extended, but sad that i was no longer sitting next to her...have been moved near steve so that we can chat about the report and talk over the problems that i have found!

anyways, uni challenge is now on, and i reckon all my work talk has bored you all senseless but i am quite excited about it


xxxx

so i thought i would give the new priest a few masses before i blogged about him. as i have saud a few times, our parish was in need of a new priest, and the one that we have may have made some controversy as he was previously married and the converted. but he is really good. he really engages you with what he says.

todays readings were about love...a word which he correctly says is used far to often in our language, that in some ways it may have lost its meaning - its true. i think it has. i am one of those people, i really am...i love this, i love that, i love this person, i love that person. we should be like the ancient greeks who have four different types of love, and then maybe this word will not get thrown around so often, and regains its meaning.

yes, that is a little rant, as i think that it is true that the word gets used too much, and i completely agreed with the priest - who is damn good, and is alreadt bringing in little changes and trying to get to know us.

am starting to write my talk about lesotho that i am giving next week, i have updated my cv with my masters mark, and have asked for some application for some jobs. am disappointed that my temping placement fnishes tomorrow, but it has been good experience for qualitative data analysis, and hopefully i may have something a bit more permanent, so i dont have this i have no job insecurity.

lastly, i have been down the second half of this week, little things are bothering me and niggling me, and some big things are as well. have been talking to some about it, and thanks for the help that you have given me. it has been mucho appreciated.

today my boss sent me home from work an hour earlier then i would normally go (at five not six) because i was literally beginning to fall asleep at my desk. i have been trying to work out why there are so many errors and balnks on the spreadsheet, and changing one thing had huge impacts on other spreadsheets - grrr..my boss agreed with me that this was harder then he first thought.

basically what i am doing is some qualitative analysis on a report by Lord Carter wanting to change the way that legal aid is given in this country. lots of people respnded, and now the LSC are doing the analysis (well i am doing thr crime analysis), that is being fed back to the DCA, to be then re-drafted, and published on the 28th of Novemeber and argued in Parliament by Lord Falconer i think! so i am doing something very different from usual temp work, but it is very challenging, but i am learning a lot about legal aid etc so very interesting. on monday my boss said that he wanted me to read the draft response to see if there was anything that needed adding, or if it could be worded better. monday might be my last day... i hope to work there a little longer as although every friday i am so exhausted (getting uo at six to run in the morning might not be helping), i do enjoy it there, i have a laugh with people in the office, have seen all my old work mates, and have earnt some much needed money.

i had to put war paint on this morning - i hardly ever wear make up but the rings under my eyes were just awful - it was as if i had been punched in the eye!

anyways, time to relax tonight...am going to hunt around on the net for some dance classes too, as i would like to improve on my salsa that i learnt at variuos parties in notts!

have a nice evening everyone
xx

TIRED!

Today at work i made a not so happy spreadsheet look happy again, by finding out why there were many errors, and filling in all the incompletes! only another 5 to do! and these ones are harder - but i am officially a star, although my boss laughed at the heading of one of my sheets "errors, but not really errors"...he suggested something more sensible "these responses are to be labelled as crime", i guess that is why he is the boss and i am just the temp - but it gets us laughing!

not much else really - oh yeah there is, my agency realised they got my tax band wrong and so this weeks pay cheque also included my rebate, so that made me happy...

work has been extended till monday, but i hope it goes on for longer, i like working there, the people are ace!

xxx

as predicted my mood had come down with a big bang - it started yesterday evening, and i have been mardy today too - although the lady next to me at work today made me laugh till i nearly wet myself.
the other temps are a bit funny with me sometimes as i talk to other people in the office, and when the boss wants something done, he will ask me to do it - thats not my fault. i have been extended for an extra day there too.
but yeah, i was talking to someone, and i found out they had just got married, and they asked me how long i had been going out with my boyfriend (quite presumptuous)and i said i was as single as can be (well i might as well be honest) and she looked shocked basically! well what can i do? i dunno give up?

anyways, dead dogo i am sorry for stressing out on you, i promise that i shall stop doing it from now on...i really will - but you have this amazing calming influence! good jobo!

and i heard from my tutor, a lovely message in fact, about me and how she saw me develop throughout last year - so yay to me!

will try and be more happy again soon. got a hectic few days at work to get through first - but i wore my new jumper and trousers today, and for the first time this morning, i said - zosh you look good - i was a bit happy.

xxxx

i am now wifi! a wohoo!

after a joyous and sometimes champagne filled weekend, work today was good - really good! my boss was away all afternoon, so it was my job to bring him back to speed with things! for some reason i have been finding criminal responses not logged or put on the spreadsheet as crime, but printing them anyway - steve (my boss) stated that i had extra special super powers! but the problem file is getting bigger, with me out of the temps only realsing that such problems are occurring (its not hard, error comes up on the spreadsheet!). anyways to cut a long story short he is extremely happy with my work, trusts what i am doing completely and is going to give me all the problems to sort out, with my aforementioned extra special super powers!

am in quite an excitable mood even though i am very tired...but a wohoo - i want this good mood to continue - its been a long time coming, and i just hope it will continue, but usually when this happens it ends with a bang!

take care all of you
xxx

lets just say, that today i am very very happy, and it has been a brilliant way to start the weekend....

i am chuffed, and well now i know that i can take on battles and suceed! a wohoo! my bro in spain got a loud phone call (well he was out so Dav did), and andy (other bro) got a loud message to listen to when he got off the plane! and my nan, well hers was the loudest of all!

and today i got a new watch!

xxx

the end of my working week - i am very tired, but i am enjoying my work, its interesting and i really get on with my boss, and he is really appreciating the work that i do, as i find some mistakes which are quite important, and he makes me check the work of the other temps...basically he knows that i am quite good at qualitative analysis, and wants me to help him do that.

i found out why i had been taxed so much - i have been put on the emergency tax rate...i have to ring my agency to tell them to re-imburse me...i need the money!

um, not much else going on - am tired but ok. yeah - i am feeling ok today. i had a laugh at work and yeah...next week i am working to a tight deadline though, so may have to work a bit later.

and i went late night shopping last night, got some jeans, some work trousers, two work jumpers, two work tops, three casual tops and a two hairbands for £30! i met my mum and nan after work, and my nan knows where the clearance rail is in M&S, and even before i had got there, they had got me a top and a skirt, so it was fun!

will pay my work cheques in tomorrow...

and to all the nottingham boys - am missing you all!
xxx

work was goooood today

i get on really well with my new boss, and he trusts me with new stuff, and knows that i work well, so he gives me his stuff to do - i dont mind cos we have a laugh and a joke about it! was called one in a million today by him as well - as i found a way to speed up the other temps up as they are slow...a way that he hadnt thought off... and he wants me to help him with extra analysis as he saw my cv and that i have done analysis before...so all is well. am going to be helping out with the other temps, and probably more joking with the other members of staff. the other temps still dont talk - i talk lots! oh and he came over to ask me whether the heating was a good temperature for me, if it wasnt then he would turn it up! i like my new department, pity i only have a week to go

running was good this morning - got really sweaty!

tax man took so much of my money this week - am really not very happy.

oh well - dress down day tomorrow, but that makes choosing what to wear hard

note to self:

must charge mini-disc player at night so i have music for the train - i was lost without this morning.

worked like a bitch at work today, analysed 120 report responses, and helped out another temp - go me. after yesterdays fuss my supervisor asked me if i was warm enough in the office today! oh dear. but i was joking around with him - i wish the other temps would talk sometime too - it makes me look a bit too chatty, but i think that its nice to at least say hello to the people that you are working next to!

am still very tired...need a bit more energy.

i do have to say, that i think that i suit smart clothes...i always try my damndest to look good for work, and i scrub up pretty well. i love my new trousers and skirts that i got for work, and yeah, i love getting dressed up for work - and its fun!

um, not much else to say, lifes a bit dull and down, but trying to put a positive spin on things!

and well done jonathan on your job...good news! oh, and i saw a really nice light that we can have in our flat! and i went into curry's digital in my lunch half hour and looked at tellys! oh i am sad
xxx

knackered - very knackered.

am the only temp that talks i realised today - making jokes with the supervisor, inputting in group discussions, and i must be the only temp that staff use to train other temps - oh the state of the commission. but a fuss was made around me, as i was so cold that my finger nails actually went blue! that was fun! so i was moved to a place where i wasnt next to a double window with air conditioning on me, and they put the heating in the office on! they then went to sit where i was sitting - and described it as sitting outside - i concurred.

um, apart from that, just hellishly tired, and working hard, and trying this continual lets try and be positive stance that is proving difficult. but i am trying. work ends in about a week, but once again i have tarted up my cv in the hope of getting a job. am going to be giving a talk to people aboti africa soon, word on the grape vine is that they are recruiting, so am going to give them pre-viewing of my cv...

anyways, bed, or i will never get up for work tomorrow
xxx

am feeling so tired today still - even though i am exhausted sleeping is a problem...oh well. work this week is really daunting. i have just been speaking to my brother about it, and he has been really good. but i bet that it will be really stressful.

church today was really good. i had a good time to think on the walk down, and just some things that were said in the sermon struck a chord - my priest talked about prayer life, and letting faith grow, and one needs the other, and that is so true as i have been finding out recently. i did get soaked walking back home though...but i got some "shock absorbing" plasters that will hopefully sort my heals out as they are in such a state from wearing my new shoes (damn them).

um, so yeah. yesterdays post...may have been an out of the blue for some, for others may be not. am sorry. maybe it was too open and honest - but i have always let my blog be open and honest. for most people they can read it without seeing me, so they dont have to see my face when i say such things, and many peopl - i dont know, maybe they dont know me, or maybe they are having similar feelings, but are just as scared - well its just to know that other people feel the same way. but really, honesty has always been this blogs way, and honest it will continue to be.

and lastly...i am quite excited, as my bro and i are trying to book tickets to see the live mitchell and webb show at brixton academy in december. he is just going to gte back to me to see which day is best for him, but this is something that would be totally ace to see, so i hope he decides soon, so it can be finalised.

take care everyone, and i hope its not tipping it down with rain where you are...the weather isnt really inspiring at all.

a bit of a thoughtful post coming up - not a very happy one, so if you are in a happy mood and want to stay that way - i wouldnt read this just right now.

yesterday i was well and truly knackered after a somewhat stressful day at work, and even though i have been asked to work there two more weeks, i feel those weeks are going to be very stressful, as the work that i and two other temps will be doing is very hard, and based a lot on criminal law.

but anyway, last night i read an article in a newspaper magazine that really hit home. It was called "the scissor sisters", and no it wasnt about that band - it was about self-harm. it was talking about how more women are now doing this, and starting at alarming ages...basically, the age when i started doing this to myself, about a year ago now. although i havnt done it for about 3 months now, i would agree with the girl in the article who answered to the question "are you still a self harmer?" - "well, i do still find myself really wanting to do it"

in all honesty this is true. i can tell you straight away where the particular instrument i use to do it is, without a doubt, i know. why do i do it - as with many people i dont know. i know that when i do do it i am incredibly angry, whether its because if what somebody has said to me, or because i have done something that i didnt like, or because i have found another thing that i dont like about myself, but because i am so angry it doesnt hurt. that is the one thing that i have control over, how far, how deep and how many cuts i do. but it does hurt the next day, it does make me feel pathetic and you do then think to yourself why. i just agreed and really empathised with everything the girl in the article said, and i did really hit home, and has been on my mind all night, and all this morning.

you maybe wondering to yourself why i am suddenly talking about this. well over the past few weeks as i have said before i have been doing a lot of thinking, and thinking especially about my last year of my life, what i have done and how, or maybe more appropriately if i have progressed at all. this was one thing that i started doing at uni, and to me that doesnt show progression, it still shows a lot of hurt. but then i think about the wonderful people that always kept me going when i was having a rough day, and because of that i can smile.

i am now working so hard to remain positive about everything, but it really is sapping up a lot of my energy, and that is why i am feeling low today...it is very labourious trying to say to yourself everyday that things are really looking up, and you will get to where you want to be, and just trying to be happy, when deep inside you feel like you have been kicked in the belly. but i am going to continue to try and smile and be happy - well i have to i guess. it is hard, its very hard but i do have to do it. i am finding that my music really helps - i have to have music with me, i am finding that some songs are just speaking new things to me that i have never thought of before, and that is the wonder of music i suppose. i guess really, that i am at that point where i have so many directions to chose, that i am lost, and this sense of being lost just doesnt help.

i am thankful that i do have people that i can rely on to text when i am down - yeah granted jonathan - you have been getting them - moany i know, but cheers. and where was your tubo ticket in the end?

will go on a run later, that really helps, and may go to my local town just to have some time out

three things to say before i cook my tea

1: i have really sore feet

2: i hate the tax man

3: i can listen to rob thomas' sexy voice all day, and will never fail to stop being moved by some of the matchbox 20 songs - mad season is just an amazing album.

hello dear blog readers.

am very tired...today i didnt run in the morning, i ran when i got back from work as i was so tired yesterday i thought the extra half hour of sleep would be good...but really i felt like i should have had my run...i am going to do it again in the morning. my little trampoline is great for this as it is so dark at 6 in the morning, that it would be horrid to go outside....but it really made me feel a lot better in the morning, so although i am knackered, will be back doing it tomorrow.

well my agency thinks that i have work for another two weeks after this one at the LSC, my mate at the LSC is not too sure - we shall see what happens...its good to see all my old friends again...i have a laugh with caroline, and when in the family kitchen today - i saw my postcard that i sent them from Lesotho! um, another temp that started is a lad from my church which is cool, but all the other tenps are doing the envelope stuffing that i was doing, while i have been given more of an analysis of the data role which is much better...i reckon its because caroline knows that i am a reliable worker and she can trust me - hurrah!

not much else going on...i really think that omega 3 is having a good effect on me as i have been feeling good recently, a lot more energy, and more awake...and what is really good is that i have found on one of my mini-discs 2 albums i have not listened to for ages, and so they are making the travel too and from work really really good...yay!

not much else to say, although i am going to bed now as six o'clock wake up awaits me!

today, i got up at 6 oclock so that I could get my run in before work - and it is such a good way of waking yourself up in the morning - will be doing it again tomorrow. today at work i had an interview for the hr job i told you all about - only that i found out in the interview that it wasnt really hr, but pa, something i certainly DONT want to do, so i didnt really sell myself in the interview, in fact i threw them bringing in psychological terms, and i was very honest when they asked me what i thought of the job (basically i said not a lot, but in nicer terms). if i do get the job i will say no, and if my consultant at the agency rings me up to ask him how it went, i will say that its not for me. it wont give me any extra hr experience at all, so bullocks to that! what makes me think that i havnt got the job was when they said at the end, that i am obviously very pationate about occ pscyh (that is true), and i should really persue that! but funnily enough that is also what the head of birdseye said, and he also said that I was obviously a very competent and intelligent young lady, that I can stand my ground, and came across very well!

i had been feeling a lot better yesterday - it may be a combination of my running, earning a wee little bit, and i gave been taking omega three..and of course meeting some old friends of mine. but like i said the other day i have been thinking a lot about my life, and although i am so scared about so many things, i think that at the mo, i can be ok...

and finally - my nan who always speaks the truth went against my mum and said i was not fat! hurrah!

the last few days have been a change on my usual day of do nothing. on thursdauy i has just had a run, and was writing an application form, when i get a call from my agency: "Zofia, get into London now" so i threw on some work clothes, and got the details as to where i was working, when i was on the train into town...luckily, it was the LSC again, different department, same organisation, same pay! so that was thursday, and i worked there yesterday as well, and will be working there this week. but what is more exciting is that i had a phone call from the same agency, saying that a position had arisen in the HR department at the LSC too, and they had sent my CV to them, and so I may be working there for 2-3 months...and that department has more pay, but all that is not finalised yet!

on thursday night, i met the head of birdseye frozen meals ( a friend of my dads, who had looked over my Cv), and he gave me an interview practice session in a wine bar! it was bizarre, but he picked up on what a lot of people say about me - eye contact! the good thing about that is the net-working opportunity that it gave...as he was very impressed about my first, as he has very rarely seen firsts in psychology, and on leaving he told me to keep that in mind.

yesterday at work, i went up to see my old department and chat with them which was really good as i got to see my old work mates. my boss fernando wasnt it, so i will go up and see him on monday, as it will be soo cool to see him again as he was so much fun. the girl i work next to is really nice, and i have been chatting with her a bit too, as she works for the same agency as me.

yesterday evening was also really cool. i met up with a friend of mine in town who i havnt seen for ages and it was just such a pleasant evening. just lots of catching up and laughing which was just awesome. three hours just flew by as we both had stuff to say and yeah, it was just a really really good night out. best thing was - although admitting he was stingy - he offered to get the third round without wanting me to pay half - amazing! we came up with some new slogans for london, and i was trying to perfect my scottish accent, whilst trying to aid his London accent - but the scottishness kept on creeping in. the best thing about it was that conversation was just so comfortable, both talking about stuff that was on our minds, maybe bothering us and we both listen to what we have to say which is something that i really admire and like. its not often that i feel very comfortable in peoples environments so quickly...so yeah i had a really good night, and whatever people may say about him, i dont care...he is a friend of mine and for that i am grateful.

so all in all the last two days have been looking up. this morning i have been at my nans fillig up her skip with crap from her garden and loft - a much needed job! and i have just had a chat with jonathan which is always good, as he can always put a smile on my face and understands just where i am coming from - when other people may quite not! (even though he is conjuring up an evil plan to take my job away from me!)

i have had a lot of time to think this week about a lot of things, that are difficult to explain to myself as well as to others...just some realisations as to where my life is, where my life is going, and just a lot of issues about what, where, when and who might be with me. sometimes it has been quite hard and it is true what they say, the truth may hurt...but in other ways, some decisions have been very easy to make. although i am not in a relationship right now, i am becoming more ok with that, as i can meet up with mates (male and female) and just have a good time, just chat and be cool. although it would be nice to be in one, its ok that i am not (for now anyways). people can see me for me that i want to portray, and it means that i dont judge others (which sounds bad but i dont look at them thinking about potential), i can just be comfortable in myself. so there, i have been using my head more than people think that i do! go me!

today was re-registering at the doctors...it was something that needed to be done, but also this morning something that had to be done. my eye was watering like mad this morning...non-stop running...i couldnt see anything in it, nor could my mum, so down to the doctors we went. i had to see the nurse to re-register - she couldn't see anything either, but she did all the checks...and she found that my blood pressure was a bit low...so when i eventually got to see the doctor, i have an inflamed lining of my eye...cuased by an infection - hurrah! and all my other problems - ie trouble sleeping, continuous headaches, my low blood pressure, dizziness, and even to some extent my weight gain, is to do with the S word...brilliant! but she was a lovely doctor, and talked me through some stuff. (by the way thats stress, not any other s words that probably have entered peoples minds at the moment).

am now writing many cover letters and cold calling companies to get work/ experience/something. this will be a long process, but we shall see.

hope things are ok elsewhere...
xxx

yesterday, unfortunately, many tears came from my eyes. the stress and fed-upness just got to me, as well as my mum letting out an unfortunate sentence that hits a touchy spot with me.

I, as many young girls/women worry about my weight, and was getting slightly worried when clothes that used to fit me, appear to be not fitting me any more. so when out shopping with my mum, and having to go for a size bigger then i used to, she said that i was fat. that upset me so much. later on, she was trying to say that i had just got broader hips etc but that still didnt take away the fact that she saif it to me. but thank you for those who i have already gone upset to telling me that i look fine, that means a lot to me

that on top of going round agencies looking for jobs and they not even looking at my CV before telling me that they have nothing suitable for me, and me just getting so fed up, and feeling away from a lot of uni people just made me feel so upset, that i spent the evening in tears...zosh was an unhappy bunny (not a naughty bunny this time Han).

so my mum tried to calm me down, telling me that i had child-bearing hips, and a bigger frame, and that I had grown ( i have actually grown, i am an inch and a half taller from when i was last measured), and she said that all these things have an effect on how you look...still yesterday was just a bit of an i feel sorry for myself night.

today, i tried more agencies, today, one agency (the same i was with before) took my details, and then i got some smart clothes and a pair of shoes for when the jobs do start rusing in! I have also contacted somebody at the Division of Occupational Psychology asking them how you get experience in firms so that you can start the path to becoming chartered...maybe they will help. oh and i have asked for an application form for the department of work and pensions....but that has to be done straight away as it is in for friday.

so...i am going to try and pull info out of any other connections i can think of that maybe able to help, but yeah, i am not that happy at the moment, but we shall see.

on a different note altogether i am maybe meeting with scottish teacher dan on friday, that will be a bot strange as i havnt seen him for an age - and i got a pair of practically new red leather boots from a charity shop for £4.50 (well done British heart foundation)

i am in a not so nice way really looking forward for our new priest to come to our parish. it is so sad when you just look around a church and see people looking bored and uninterested in a service. our parish certainly needs a kick up the proverbial arse.

i would really like to see some more youth events happen...having gone to two Cathsocs and bein surrounded by young catholics, usually quite eager to partake in a service, but also prayer groups etc, to come home and to having nothing like that available does anger me greatly. and that is something i really miss about uni.

um apart from that, went to my nans today which was nice, and we watched our favourite soap together (its a Polish one!), and my bro went back to his flat - it was good to see him again.

going round temping agencies again now - this time to sign up and not trying to gain participants for study! but hearing some of what was said about them...i really dont want to go through all that again...bloody just a temp - i am worth so much more now. grrr.

now, i am quite an emotional young lady when it comes to films and sometimes telly, but it takes a lot to get me a bit teary for books (apart from Le Petit Prince, it gets me every time). So yesterday, when i was reading the book that Ben got me for Christmas (What Mr Darcy does next), which usually reads like jane austen porn, I was shocked when i had tears rolling down my cheeks due to what had just occurred in the book, and the amazingly brilliant way that Darcy dealt with it - well done Darcy. so that was my bloggable event.

not much else is going on. andrew has graced us with his presence tonight, it is nice seeing my brother...i may go to his flat this week sometime, as a bit of an escape from home, that is still to be decided upon.

other than that have a few niggles on my mind, nothing that a good chat with one of my girly friends wont sort out, and have decided, well always knew that i am on a bit of a weight loss exercise at the moment...my new piece of equipment is amazing (I have got myself a mini trampoline), and i use that everyday, as well as walking and i am being very careful with what i eat...and most importantly, i am not drinking as much either - well hardly anything in fact...so all those things put together will be a big help.

hmm, will be tea soon, so had better go.

take care one and all

xxxx

today has been a day away from the usual tedium of using the net to search for jobs - i was actually proactive and went to a careers fair in Earls Court with Jonathan - but to be honest we neednt have bothered - it was crap - although we did get free mints and a Guardian newspaper....

so after escaping the fair we went to sloane square to visit all the posh shops, and i got a prada bag (and if you dont believe me i will blog it tomorrow, or you can ask jonathan, who has seen it with his own eyes!), and then we went into Gucci - oh yeah we were call. Burberry was next (i was wearing their perfume today too), followed by a trip into Harrods, and even their good hall didnt have pistaccio ice-cream - what is wrong with this country.

By this time i had wet feet - i wasnt even wearing flip flops today, although my shoes may not have been the most appropriate, so the stop at Starbucks was most welcomed, and a lovely hot chocolate sustained my chocolate cravings...

next was the national portrait gallery and a look at nelsons rather large column, and then back to paddington so that i could wave jonathan off as he went back to frome! we were both disappointed by the fact that even thoguh we had ventured into all the posh shop area of London we still did not spot any famous people...gutting infact! i then met up with my dad after half an hour on the circle line to blackfriars, a quick drink, and then home...

riding the tubo was indeed fun, and seeing and chatting to jonathan was great as it always is. pity no-body wants to employ us, we are damn employable i tell you! i laughed a lot today, even though my feet were soaking, and when i got in, they looked like they do when you have been in the bath for too long! i wonder if jon got dead dog for dinner?

well will probably be making a trip frome ways soon, especially after jonathans mother has msnd me - that was funny!
good telly on tonight - extras followed by the mitchell and webb show - cant get much better - now jonathan - i hope you will be watching too!

xx

I hope that jonathan doesnt come dressed to London like this tomorrow, otherwise he will be searched by the anti-terrorist police again, and that just wont do when he is with me!

careers fair should be good...hope jonathan remembers his registration form - will see you in Paddington! now have to go and decide what train i am going to catch...will be one after nine thirty as then i will have a cheeper fare!

just been teaching my mum msn so that she can chat to my bro in madrid too - it was so funny to see her type and laugh when bantering with him! i think she really did enjoy it though

xxx

well orpington has been in the news recently, but for no good reason...it appears that one of the weekends four stabbings happened here - brilliant! lets just hope that the girl who is in a serious condition continues to improve.

am back on the old job hunt, and its not going very successfully. will start goung round the temping scene again, but will have to specify HR as this then at least will have some help for the future. but really i am a bit stumped with what i actually want to do. maybe the careers fair tomorrow will help me.

not much else to add, apart from a congratualations to James and Ella if i havnt already said that on my blog!

I would just like to take this chance to thank everyone in Gordon Road for their complete lovliness that they showed me these last few days. I always have so much fun when I go to Exeter, and all my worries that I have are always left behind as you are all so great and welcoming.

Thank you for...silly drinking on thursday, towning, cream teas, and arena on friday, magic and gospel and chatting on saturday, chaplaincy, shopping and belmont on sunday, walking to the bus station this morning! thank you so much for a fun weekend...love you all.

xxx

when talking to Jonathan on the phone yesterday, i realised a mistake! as Dave had already left cloister before the last day, he was not photographed, and therefor I could not put a photo of him from that day up....but Dave was also a member of the cloister gang...



This is Dave and I on my birthday in the Johnsons, or as Dave started calling it "the Johno's!" Dave was a constant reminder to us of Wallace due to his lovely smile as displayed. His tribute to the blue power ranger kept us constantly amused, but we all aspire to be like Dave, he was the official race doctor for the tour of britain dont you know! Dave was a great supplier of taste the difference apple and rhubarb crumbles and custard...and even though he is a doctor, he always astounded us when he got the medical questions of the pub quiz....wrong!

anyways, am off to exeter in a few hours...am just about to finish packing my shampoo etc and once i have straightened my hair my hair straighteners...i presume han has a hairdryer!

hope all is well

xx

the success of my job hunting so far is waking up and checking my emails to get messages similar to that as i got today:

"you do not have much experience I do not think you would be suitable for this role."

well hopefully, after next thursday when jonathan and i go to the guardian event we will have networked enough for people to see what fab hardworking people we truly are!

oh man...am just going to have to snap out of this down spell soonish. i just get so fed up at home, and not being able to find a job is getting to me, and i just feel in no mans land a bit. My brother rang me from spain and told me to get used to the feeling as that is what it is going to be like for a while (not in a horrid way, he was being sympathetic with it). will be temping again soon, so at least i can get a wee bit of money in. i just feel stuck, and there are also other things bothering me, but thats enough for now, must snap out of it completely. have to be in a good mood for exeter....am really looking forward to that no-end

the beauty of blogs, well any kind of journal is that you can look back at what you thought at these points last year. well, this time last year, i was so scared about starting nottingham, i was scared that i would not make any friends, and that i would not cope with the course. a year on, and i am done....and hopefully i have made some friends that will last for a very long time. it is strange how quickly this year has gone. this time last year i was in my room thinking, i dont like this, i havnt met any english people and i went to bed at a stupidly early time (i now know that the lads were in the pub, and jonathan knew that i was in the building as he had seen me come in, and he described me to everyone else as being 'quite fit'!). so thats it a year has gone.

went to babcias again today - we found some old videos of us when we weree children which was quite funny, they were taken 15 years ago, i was young and i had terrible teeth, and it was in a phase where my mum and my aunt attempted to dress my cousin and i in the same clothes but different colours...oh dear. on the way home i chatted to my mum, and even though this year has gone so fast, it hasnt even been six months since dziadzio died, and that does feel like ages ago. i suppose it is because he was so ill for so long. When getting myself a glass i found that my nan had been put on the same a-ds as i am on, but a lower dose. they have helped as she is not crying all the time, but my mum says my babcia doesnt want to stay on them. I can understand where she comes from, i didnt want to stay on them either, but they have helped me so much this last year..if i dont take my full dose in a day i can feel a difference, but now i hope that I can come off them slowly, I am sure that it will take some time, but i really do hope that this can happen.

anyways, enough of my ramblings now...

the readings at church challenged me a bit today. especially the part about prayer, and not getting what you want. so many times this year, i have heard myself and many many others say "God just isnt giving me what i am praying for, i obviosuly cant be praying hard enough". I am going to have to read the passage again, but it was quite challenging anyways.

i am going crazy at home...i dont know - i think that I have moved on more than my parents recognise, and i do just feel really claustrophobic, and i am not very happy. but finding a job that i like is going to take time, and that also really sucks and upsets me a lot.

anyways, it was my nans birthday yesterday so i spent the afternoon with her which was really good, and my cousins and uncle and aunt also made an appearance - its nice to see my nan smile - she has had a hard few months. i know where i may get my covering up and masking of emotions from now though.

not much else going on...exeter shortly should be good fun.
xxx

i am sick of being at home already, seriously it is doing my head in. i just cant be here for much longer - its not doing any good for my health. i saw what i thought would be a really good job, an occupational psychology assistant - so I emailed the guy, and told him what I have already got and done - it turns out that i am too qualified, as they would have wanted to teach me some of the stuff that I have already done, and then when looking at the professional developments they wanted me to do, i already had them...so most places i dont have enough experience, but this one, i have too bloody much.

as ben has already blurted out to everyone that i am going down to exeter - yes, lukcy exeter will see me once again next thursday, so it is a surprise no longer...never mind...will be good to see everyone again, and go to a chaplaincy mass...

and now for some photos...but i dont know how well this is going to work:



This is me mike and jonathan, on the last night in cloister. jonathan has been great to me all year, how many times i have whined to him about so much zosia shit is untrue, and he just sat through it...he may have got pissed off once or twice..."Zosia, you just have to say it...how hard can it be?", but jonathan - thank you. we have very memorable trips to Sainsburys, have a love for thorntons ice cream, have tried many bottled ciders, and listen to a lot of shit and cheesey radio! jonathan, you are a star.

Mike was the new cloister recruit for the last one and a half months, and provided a fair bit of laughs...especially in one memorable for me (not for him) walk back home from town....as mike is the new recruit we didnt get to know him that well, but we did manage to taste his apple pie and carrot cake offerings - it was a brief but pleasant opportunity, but still, contact via many means is amazing these days



this is adrian...adrian is a very special man...he is lovely! he cooks well, he is polite, charming, and he already knows that I think that he is good looking! sometimes it can be hard to understand what adrian says, as he just uses vowels, but we got used to that. but never get a backy on a bike with him...it can lengthen a short trip home by several hours and an ambulance ride, and x-rays! but adrian is a dude...



This is gareth...now gareth and i dont see eye to eye on some things - that is putting it politely, but gareth has taught me a lot, and has made me have to stand up for myself. he also covered me in leaves, and for a while i was his personal hair stylist...he did have some excellent hair straighteners however which came in handy on many occasions. essentially gareth provided us with an irish accent and somebody to laugh at - especially when he pissed all over his computer...



Andy is in this photo - he left in the morning of last friday, and so was not there in the evening - oh dear...andy provided us with lots of laughs, and his love for football was overwhelming. he introduced me to some new music this year, and let me listen to a lot of his matchbox 20! andy plays the guitar very well indeed, and when salsa-ing has a tendency to knock over bbq's...but overall a great suppiler of chocolate biscuits, chocolate and haribo - thank you andy.



this is enrique...or known to me as anrikay! he is the lemon meringue supremo - it was truly delightful...the only bad thing about it was that i faliled to get a slice last thursday...evil enrique! enrique has amazingly put up with such poor pronunciation of his name all year, and often very excitable me times. i have a lot ot thank for enrique as he was able to understand many of my relationship dilemas and fears, and was a good person to chat to.

they are just some of the wonderful people that made my year in Nottingham bearable and really helped me through it. i have such admiration and love for each and everyone of them, as each in their own way made me laugh, cry and so happy through the year...guys you are all amaizing, and i miss you dearly, and we will have to have many reunions even though we are all supposed to be getting jobs!

and lastly:


this is everyone at the cloister party last friday - it was a good way to end off a good year. although i did spend a lot of time with the afore mentioned guys, the people in this photo lived in cloister and shared the cloister experience if annoying fire alarms at stupid times in the morning, and captain jack sparrow, parties, bbqs, stresses of exams, broadgate and just general cloister niceness...they also made my year.

miss it all, and the sooner i get out of home and a job the better.

hopefully by the end of tonight i will have better internet, or at least internet capabilities on my laptop which means i will have msn restored hurrah! have been doing some job hunting - found something today which looks quite good, and is in kent, so have asked for more information on that - my mum got quite excited too. have been using my new piece of exercise equipment - its quite a good bit fun! so hopefully the pounds will be falling off so ben doesnt look in disgust at me when i finally arrive....

um, not much else going on, am a bit down, but i think that may be because i am back home, and i dont have the banter of flat 2 to keep me going, or anything like that. i am missing the notts people - they were truly fabo! will put some photos of the last night up when the net is on my laptop - some truly funny ones are there...and lots of peoples heads!

take care

xxx

am already getting bored at home - and job hunting is hard as the net is crap...am not happy. heard from my supervisor today which was strange, will tell more if anything develops. will be going to exeter soon to see ben, am slightly worried about it knowing that i have a few people that hate me without even meeting me down there, and so that will be an experience, but one which at the moment i am quite scared about. got a new piece of fitness equipment today, that will be fun, and have also renewed my passport - but that is a bloody expensive thing to do.

am a bit sad to be back at home - there are very few people around anymore - my cousin and I are thinking about doing a Salsa class so that we can have some kind of fun activity to do.

anyways, not much else going on...have now unpacked all my clothes, my cuttlery and crockery, but still my huge piles of work have to be put somewhere!
xx

so the cloister days are over....

friday night was great - cleaning kitchens, and then salsa-ing! loves it - fell into bed about four, up at 7 to clean my kitchen and flat and finish packing...amazingly everything managed to fit into the car so wohoo! am home again now...like the sofa - but kindof wnat to move onto somewhere else and be with young company...having meen with people my age for the last 51 weeks, am going to miss that hugely.

oh - am having to use the shit internet at home and the computer doesnt agree with msn...grr...we are going to hopefully upgrade so that i can get wifi net on my baby laptop soon - hurrah! and then i will have msn again...so nottingham people use my yahoo email to contact me (its on facebook), or the text or phone! andy - you missed a good night on friday - i will forward you the photos when i can....

nottingham was great...i loved all the people that i met with a passion and you are truly fab...unpacking is going to be a mare - everyone who saw how packed the car was - well that is now blocking the entrance to my house...missing you all greatly

xxx

i think that i should also thank my lovely housemates too. we had a house meal last night, and it was all laughter, and now we are all so sad. you were great girls,and made flat 6 a lovely place for me to live...

so thank you tracy, cathy, ritah, agatha, biibi and gharima you are brilliant flat mates and i also love you sll so much

xxx

right, i hate goodbyes, so this is what I am going to do:

to adrian, gareth, jonathan, andy, dave, enrique, tom (now back in New Zealand) and the latest recruit Mike - thank you all for looking after me this year in Cloister, it has been an amazing time, and you are all wonderful fabulous people who have made me laugh till i nearly wet myself on many occassions.

i love you all dearly, and thorugh many means of communication must remain in contact

xxxxxx

sometimes i feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall. at least in my room when i am packing all my stuff up i can sing out really loud as that makes me happy.

sometimes i feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall. at least in my room when i am packing all my stuff up i can sing out really loud as that makes me happy.

two days of crap sleep...makes me a tired girl. went to the grove last night, and saw Kev which was good. we got back and watch some spaced which is ace - reminded me of Monks Road watching it with Amy and having a giggle and a laugh.

only a few days left now, am quite sad about it - have a few things that i want to do, but whether i have the opportunity to do that or not i do not know...

well, am going to go to one of my favourite places on campus and read my book...and maybe do more writing

so last night was an interesting affair. it turned out to be a bit of a bar crawl in Nottingham, and annoyingly nothing was having an effect on me, when everyone else was getting wasted. so much so kris and rhioni (dont know how to spell his name) went mid evening,the rest of us carrying on a lot longer (maybe for some not wisely) and i had a lets say "interesting" walk home, with Mike being the pissed egit he is thinking he knows best attempting to guide me the sober one home - we walked up and down the same road three times!. he doesnt remember the walk home - i certainly do...and he doesnt remember me putting him to bed either - putting water by his bed, the bin with a plastic bag next to him, and closing his curtains, turning off the light- oh dear.

i felt fine this morning, as i didnt even feel drunk last night - bet you when i next drink it will hit me straight out.

and well done to gareth, adrian and enrique who handed in today...
xx

this morning i have been trying to be a bit more pro-active about sorting out post-uni plans. i have been on a few job web-sites and found one or two possibilities (but i am being very picky), and have also been on the BPS website looking up all the occupational psychologists that would be in driving distance for me, and am emailing them to see if I can get some work experience with any of them...we shall see if that gets anything.

now i am going to look for flights so that I can go and visit my brother and have a mini break abroad which will be coolio...

not much else, am waiting for andy et al to finish up - should be soon, and then will be going for a wee little drink to celebrate their end of degree - this week will see a lot of drinking i fear...and i am dreading saying goodbye to people. it will be well and truly very sad

ok, so my day has been really good, bar one event. on the way to katy's a man drove up and stopped by me, and beckoned me over... i went as i thought he might be needing directions...instead he opened his door, and said "i know that i dont know you or anything, but do you want to get into my car, and i will drive you into town and take you for a drink". i said no abruptly, gave him a disgusted look, and ran into Katy's house. why do men do this to us...it was horrible. urgh. i was dressed nice as i was going to the theatre -(just a smart pair of jeans, a top, and a black 3/4 length black top over that), but urgh it was horrid.

seeing katy again was cool, we had a good chat, and grease was just bloody brilliant. the dancing was soo good, and the singing was amazing - absolutely amazing it really was. i give it high recommendations to go and see.

got back from the theatre - Mike was making an apple pie...the filling was yummy! and he even got custard - brilliant. captain jack came into flat 2, he freaks me out, and i have developed this habit of just zoning out when he talks to me - its not that good, so i made my escape. am going to a watch dvd i think, as i am not tired enough to go to sleep, but i can watch it in bed which is ace.

even though Jonathan came knocking on my door this morning, and i had a heavy night drinking - i am in such a good mood today - i hope that it lasts!

so yesterday i had my first proper celebration of giving in the masters as mike had finished him, so a quick pint in the johnsons, turned into two pints and three gin and tonics...then when we got back in, some wine and a mug of mainly gin with a wee bit of tonic! Jonathan kindly provided potato wedges when we got back in as (well i) had the munchies! i found out that Jonathan and mike are both very ticklish - can provide hours of entertainment now!

anyway, this morning i had my photo taken with darth vada and a stormtrouper - it was brilliant - i gave darth vada a huge hug - brilliant!

am going to see Katy in a few hours, followed by Grease the musical - i am very much looking forward to this indeed - how brilliant will it be????!!!!!

well, it is sunny too, cant beat today at the moment - laughs all the way!

This here is Gareth. a few weeks ago i dedicated a whole post to him as he complained that he wasnt mentioned enough - last night he complained again - you can never make some people happy can you? Anyway, this is a picture of Gareth - this should make him happy, but knowing Gareth it will probably make him annoyed - why put such a silly picture of me up??

Anyway, there is another reason why I am mentioning Gareth this morning - it is Gareths 22nd birthday - I know he looks 12, but really he is now 22. so happy birthday Gareth.