hello blog
well its monday morning, and i have a tutorial in an hour, which i dont think will be too bad which is ok. this weekend i wrote my first assessed essay, its not in till mid november, but i have a few more essays to write and so i wanted to gte it out of the way.

yesterday at mass, i nearly cried - i dont really know why, i just suddenly came over all emotional which was strange - it was such a nice service, we sang some reallu beautiful hymns, and that may have done it. but i really needed a good service, i really did, i have been feeling so spiritually low recently.

saturday night was the post-grad social, i went with some of the lads, and chatted to them...it was actually gareth who i spent most of the night chatting to, and he gave me an over-enthusiastic hug, which led to wine spillage, but it was nice. he gave me a lot of good words to think about, and when we got in he made me honey and lemon, in an attempt to stop my dirty cough that i have, it failed.

have heard from dan - we are going to do our best to stay mates, which is good, because we do have very similar social circles so we are bound to see each other when out, so we will see how things go. i am gutted at the end of the day, but as so many have said, it obviously wasnt meant to be, and i was asking God for his advice, and maybe God was telling that he is not the man for me.

anyways, going to straighten my hair and make my lunch for campus - researching another essay today - joy of joys!

the library is really becoming my home at the moment. If I am not in it, then I am looking to see what journals and books are available for me to get from it, or i am using the e-journal, e-book system that they have...such is my existence at the moment. and i know that as a masters student this is what i should be expecting, but it does get very tiresome also. today, i have been reading some quite good articles for my essay that i am going to write a draft of tomorrow - what a fun way to spend a saturday, and so next week, i can start researching for my next three essays i am to write! yep they do indeed work us hard here! but some of it i am really enjoying, and some is much harder than the rest.

am really lacking the spiritual feel at the moment, and although i know that God is there for me, i am finding ti very hard to find him, if that makes any sense at all.

dont think that I am going to go out tonight, or if i do it will be to the Johnsons, the local a stones throw away which is actually also a very nice pub that takes all of 30 seconds to get to. will maybe see if andy, gareth and adrian want to go, if not then i will watch father ted in my room!
right, a little more work is to be done, and then off home, its not dark yet, so its still safe for me to walk back, although i have walked home in the dark from campus a few times now, and its been pretty safe so far.

i just have to blog a bit before bed, as i have just chatted to my english flat mate - cathy. she asked me how dan was, and so i told her about what had happened -without crying - bring it on. and she was so nice about it, she said that he was really foolish, and really mean, and that even though she has only known me for a month that she could see that i was a really sweet girl, and that i deserve better, and i can get better and i know that, but i just want to say thank you for everyone who has given me support. i have been feeling ultimatley shitty as i have a nasty cold too, which doest help, but everyone has been so nice, and i dont know what i have done to have such nice people around me, i certainly dont deserve it all. it is going to take longer to trust people now, its so hard for me to trust people, but i hope that this doesnt make me put up too many more barriers.

now its time for bed cos i am knackered as i told the doctor yesterday...and i booked a counsellor appointment today.

oh and happy birthday to my cousin amanda

ok, so yesterday wasnt the best day either. I had my doctors appointment, and cried through it so mch, that she has suggested counselling, and now and because of other things that I have done recently, i think that I am in agreement, and will see if it helps more this time. I worked in the library and i was praying that Dan wasnt going to be there today, and luckily he wasnt, which was good. my lecture in the afternoon was very hard to understand, but it was ok i suppose, just have to do the reading for it.

even though the doctor told me that I should be trying to eat more, i wasnt very bothered about my tea, and so ended up having half a tim of veg soup, and a yoghurt. the lads wanted me to go to the pub, but i didnt want to go, but comprimised saying i would watch lost with them, and when i didnt go down they rang my phone until i went, and i am glad they did, cos they do cheer me up and look after me.

didnt cry yesterday evening which was good. there are just so many things going round in my head, that I am glad that I am able to write the poetry to get it down on paper. am feeling a little better today, people ae being very kind to me which is lovely, and had a good msn with amy last night which was fab.

well, one seminar down, one more to go, then my lectures over for this week, but i am going to try and write my philosophy essay this weekend - joy of joys

well...

yesterday was not the best day in the world ever, i can tell you that for sure. and i had left quite an upbeat post yesterday morning too, but then something completely unexpected happened. as you may have realised from my blog, a pgce student who is scottish and called dan has been cropping up quite a bit - well i have been seeing him for three weeks, and we were official for a bit, but yesterday for our "coffee" meeting, i was dumped - great! all the cliches came out - its not you, its me, you're a great girl, wrong time...i still want to be mates...what did i say - well i couldnt say anything - i was dumb founded...i didnt expect it at all. he said he didnt think that he led me on -well if calling me his girlfriend, telling me i am gorgeous, when we were out not being able to leave my side and when any other bloke came up to me, he would be there arm around my waist, or holding my hand, texting me a stupid amount every day isnt leading me on, then does anyone else want to give me a definition of leading me on? anyways, i just said to him that i was gutted, and said to him, that i must have done something, or there must be stuff wrong with me for a change to happen so quickly from monday to tuesday, but apparently not - apparently i couldnt have done anything differently. i didnt cry infront of him, but i was so glad when he finally said after about 40 minutes that he was going to leave - then the tears came. i texted jon straight away, who charged up to campus to collect me and walk me home and give me a hug, and the lads were all so supportive which was lovely.

it was phils birthday evening yesterday - as you can imagine wasnt much in the mood, but i had promised that i would go. Jon dragged me out too - luckily it was fancy dress, so red puffy eyes didnt look so bad...as i was a witch anyway, jon did face paints to cover up much of the puffiness, that was after i had mummified him with toilet roll. All the occ psych guys were so supportive which was lovely, i am lucky to have them...and last night i got a text from phil himself - read this morning cos i was fast asleep - but it said "u r a star, and we all luv ya for it. U have loads of mates and we are all here for u" i dont know what u have done to get such support.

so gutted and upset really, sums up how i feel. people know that i dont trust people easily and i am quite picky, and so it was really hard to actually feel that i could trust dan, but know it going to take me longer to trust people, yet more barriers, yet more masks. oh well

doctors this morning, a month on the anti-ds so have to have a check up - not the best morning to see how i am really

Quick blog

have to be leaving for campus in a mo...feeling rough - damn cold...have had it since saturday, so couldnt see dan at the weekend at all. saw him yesterday briefly whilst in the computer room - i was coughing like anything - he came over to give me a throat sweet bless him. meeting him for coffee after my lecture this afternoon, hopefully might be a bit more talkative then yesterday. and i hope his presentation goes well. our quiz winning streak came to an end on sunday - we came third (shock horror), but with three of us with colds we were not fielding our usually string team....and Kev the landlord had not got my cuddly toy, although he has found the exact one for me that i will be receiving soon

phils birthday party tonight, dont feel too well, but have promised him that i am going, and my witch costume has been sent up especially for it, so i have to go...i wonder what dan will say when he finds out am going out dressed as a witch! he wont be that happy i think bless him.

anyways, lectures are calling

hello blog readers

this week has been incredibly up and down. have been given really horrible essays for my philosophy essay, and i found it so hard to find any journals to help me, but persistance pays off, and i have found some now, and i have been reading them all day. the module conveynor is not wanting to see me, so I have got student support on my case now.

yesterday was the Nottingham beer fest, i was going with the lads...and when in there, had a text from dan saying he was there with his mates. well i didnt know if he was on a lads night out or not, so i texted saying i was there too, and if he didnt want to see me then it was fine, but it turned out that he was like 5 metres behind me, and so we just chatted loads...occ psych girls also came, and dans mates were there too, so there was a big crowd of us...we went to a bar after the beer fest finished, and then we went to a club, but dan and i went to the club later cos we wanted to chat in the bar...but its all good really.

so other than that, have been working hard really. this philosophy essay is a mare but Jon has been ace and helping me with it, and just giving me a lot of confidence which is cool - he is a top man and i never thought that i would make a good friend so quickly - but i have.

take care everyone. ben keep on going mate, it will work out, and thanks to ed, luke, hannah, saide and mark who i hear have been very good at looking after him - thats such a relief off my mind, i feel bad that i cant do anything more proactive to help

WELL WE WERE DUE ANOTHER QUIZ WIN!!!
yep thats right, on sunday we went to the Grove for the quiz. We went in and it was a bit crowded, but luckily our table was reserved, with a big sign saying for last weeks winners on it! our team was slightly different to normal, we were adrian and debbie down which meant we were lacking in some areas. the arrival of dan didnt fill us with much hope bless him, unless a question about scotland was to come up, or about teaching...but nevertheless, we still one - this time a clear victory, coming three points higher then the second placed team. once again i was lucky enough to choose the key with the small bag of beer in it, but this week we were supposed to win a cuddly toy too. but there was no cuddly toy (i was gutted), and so he gave another crate of beer. Now i dont drink beer, so i got a bottle of wine...and next week i will be getting a cuddly toy. On the way back to ours (dan came back too, I didnt want him missing out on victory beer), i may have offended dan, saying that this was the highlight of my week....thursday was good too, a very close second...he accepted that! we went to flat two, and chatted and stuff. Dan had to go, and after i stayed and chatted with the lads, who behaved admirably infront of dan, was very happy bout that, and then went to bed.

I always thought monday would be bad when i was awoken my a fire alarm at before seven in the morning. i managed to sleep for another hour before getting up to go to my tutorial. the tutorial was good, but i stayed behind after to talk to my tutor about stuff - you can guess what stuff that was, and really had to bite my lip to stop myself from looking like a complete prick. she was really nice and really supportive and has offered to set some meetings up with people in topics that i dont really understand. i then went to the library and spent till 6 trying to research an essay but it was so unsuccessful it was silly..and on the way home i couldnt stop crying. the guys wanted to see me, but i wouldnt let them as i had big puffy eyes. i made my tea and my bro rang which was nice, and then watched uni challenge with the lads who were quite concerned, and then we chatted a bit, and i w.ent to bed early, prayed and cried

today, has been up and down again. have had some lectures, and received my coursework essays for anothet module, but these seem slightly more understandable at least which is always a bit of a start. but am trying to prepare some stuff for my seminar which is a bit crazy...am finding this philosophy lark a bit too taxking for my brain. andy very kindly cooked me my tea, and am waiting for dan to reply to my text...he might be in bed cos it is a school night after all!, and he is scottish - unreliable...and he is older, his memory might not be so good!

two posts in one day...just what is going on...well mass today really made me think loads about a lot of things. we sang today "in the Lord, I'll be ever thankful", which goes on to say, Look to God, do not be afraid; and as i was singing this, i thought why am i not doing this? i am afraid of so many things at the moment, and I have been neglecting the person who can help me with my troubles, who will always be there for me, and who i should not be afraid to tell all my worries to, because He will love me and care for me, and will be there for me when i need Him. and i just had this huge feeling that I should be praying more, and believing more, and just being more thankful in the Lord. And if I needed anymore convincing of this fact, then we later sang one of my favourite hymns "Turn to me", and there again, turn to be and be saved, there is no other, none beside me, i call your name. God will be there for me throughout all my troubles and trials. Sometimes I just feel that I may have been forgotton or neglected by some people, and it upsets me, because i dont know if I can turn to these people as much as i used to be able to, and i felt so lonely, and once again forgot that it is the Lord who i should be turning to when i need help, and security, and today, this was made clear to me in Mass, and i have been feeling quite low about the way that i have neglected some things in my faith recently, and believed that this has been a big wake up call for me.

anyways, that is what i wanted to say...

once again, its been an up and down few days. on friday night i had my first panic attack for a few days after i read the coursework questions for one of my modules...i then obviously wasnt in the mood for going out, i disappointed the lads, but i am sure that if they knew the real reason they would be really supportive. but they kept me informed as to how the night progressed, so much so i turned off my phone for the first time in ages.

yesterday i used jon and lees washing machine cos our one leaks, and then i did work. i went to the supermarket with andy and jon and i spent a stupid amount, but some of the things will last me for ages. i then was reading more, and the lads raided my room which was cool. Gareth was fascinated with the weirdest things! i chatted with them last night after i had read a journal as one of my key readings, but went to bed, as on sundays i have to be in the great hall at 1o for choir practice before mass.

anyways, hopefully things will get better, quiz tonight and we are hopefully having an honarary member joining the team, and tomorrow i have a tutorial, so i will be able to chat some things out with her.

hello dear blog readers

well in the last two days my mood has really been swinging up and down, and once again the lads have been there to support me, and i am beginning to wonder if i would have been able to get through these last few weeks without them, as they always allow me to see sense, and put a smile in my face, and each in their own individual ways make me feel better. jon uses his dead pan humour, gareth with his irish ways, and he always says "stop putting yourself down women, your great" (in an irish accent), andy, well he just makes me giggle, dave is like a big big brother figure, and adrian always has funny mannerisms that i love. i have been able to talk over a few situations that have happened this week, and they have given me things from a male perspective....i do tell them that if they ever want to do male bonding then tell me to go, but they are always happy to have me around

had a seminar today, it was really good, it was all about putting the theory into practice, and what we would do in certain situations, i really got a lot out of it...

and tonight, well i am doing something that I have not done in a long time, and thanks to the lads again for giving me support, and helping me decide what to wear (well jon anyways). will see how it goes

Well, we were due ANOTHER QUIZ WIN!!!!

yes, thats right, on sunday the cloister house lot made our way back to the Grove pub ( a damn fine pub i do have to say), to get ready for the quiz...we got our free round that we won last week, and then did the quiz this week. This week, we had to do the tie-break again, but we actually got the tie break this week too. Now in Nottingham its not just about winning the money/alcohol and thats it...oh no. they do a take your pick style thing where you get offered £20, or to pick a key. The guys let me pick the key, and i went to the boxes, and this week we won...25 cans of beer (a small bag they said), a free round of drinks next week, and the clincher...we get to choose where we sit too! so sunday night we were very happy.

Monday, came down with bang. at student support i was brutally honest with how i was feeling, about my anxiety and my depression, as i was told to take all masks off, and i was just being blunt about things which was so hard...kindof relieving but hard...and although i didnt cry in there, as soon as i got out, and entered the real world then it just really hit me as to what i had down, and then some crying started. i made my way to the jubilee campus where the occ psych books and journals are, and tried to do some work, but it was so hard to concentrate. one of the journals was a nice easy read, the other was a 62 page killer, and after that, i had just had enough. I made my way home, had a cry, did some reading from the text book that i have purchased, and then cooked tea (i have been told to eat properly and try and sleep more)...after tea i was just still feeling miserable, and although somebody was trying to cheer me up, it wasnt working - sorry. Anyways, the lads from downstairs texted me, university challenge, tea and biscuits - flat 2...and i was there. and they were so sweet...they are like my protective big brothers, and really cheered me up, and it was seriously just what i needed. we then watched with disgust the programme about women body builders (they would not let me work anymore). i went up to get an orange to find that i had been locked out of my flat, and when i got in, that our washing machine had leaked, and there was an inch of water on the floor - cathy is phoning broadgate park today! back down i went for Jack dee, but we just chatted through it, whilst laughing a gareth and his strange irish ways!

today, i have had two lectures, both extremely interesting i am very pleased to say, and had some good chats with my girls, and found out what i always thought, that male PGCE students, just like the power surge of wearing a suit and being called sir infact to quote "yeah i do get a kinda peverse surge of power from that...maybe ill be one of those anal teachers who insist on it all the time", i do worry about the future education of our children.

anyways, am feeling a little better than i did yesterday. i have chatted some things through with a variety of people, and have been told by gareth that i can talk to him about anything, bless him...but more importantly, he has the Fr Ted DVD box set - bring it on!

well
I cant remember what i said in my last post..but hey that doesnt really matter, i have a tendency to repeat myself. today has been really unproductive work wise, the journals that i wanted to read are not available on line, so i am going to have to find them in the library tomorrow, so i have been reading an e-book about the philosophy of science, which is interesting but also very confusing, and i think needs to be read with somebody else so that we can bounce off ideas to each other. but it has been productive in that i went to mass this week (went an hour early, as i have offered up my services to the music group), and i had a good pray which was nice.

on friday, i gave the english blokes in my building a shock...they saw me dressed up, and not in my baggy trousers, vest top, and my hair messily tied back in a pony-tail, and they were so shocked it was funny. i think the term jon used was "wow, you scrub up bloody well", and on msn today he said "you did look very pretty on friday, and that was the truth" which was nice. he and ellie are now going out, i feel like cilla! anyway, the reason i was dressed up on friday was because we were celebrating rachel and ollies engagement in town. dave very kindly gave me a lift in cos he didnt want me travelling in alone, and i met the occ psych people in the bar. we met with ollie, and then some of his mates who are all doing PGCE's - they were all very friendly, and it is true what fi later texted me - there were some very good looking men out that night!

yesterday i worked quite hard reading books and journals and making notes, and then i went to the pub with Lee, to meet Andy and his mates to watch the football - it was a disappointing game, and lee and i summed it up as a waste of one and a half hours. we got back to find the second fire alarm in the last few days, and gareth, lee, dave, adrian and in were playing how many people can you fit under a small umbrella - the answer not that many if you still want to remain reasonably dry. although i wanted an early night yesterday, i didnt think that when i put on my cd, it would send me straight to sleep - at 8:30! i was rudely awoken by my phone at 10:30 when it received a message and vibrated so much it fell off my desk - thanks dan - nice one, and its funny how you can detect a scottish accent in the words used in a text message!

anyways, its back to the nose in book now, pub quiz later, we have to see if we can maintain our winning streak at the Grove...and tomorrow is my meeting with student support, so i hope that goes ok

take care people

its a sad state of affairs, when a girl has to borrow a tea-towel from a bloke, and as Ellie told me today, I let the side down - i hang my head in shame, and i apologise. It all started last night when i got in late from a lecture debrief with ellie and fiona, and wanted to cook my fish for tea. I had no oven gloves, and neither did andy or jon, so whilst andy cleverly suggested just burn yourself, jon suggested a tea-towel, another thing which i dont have, but he seems to have plenty of, and he gave me one of his, which was very kind of him indeed, and meant that i could have my fish for tea. But andy redeemed himself by cooking apple pie and having cream and everything for us which was very yummy. i finished my first essay last night which was quite satisfying, well i have to put on the references but it is basically done. today i went to campus for my seminar to find out that it had been cancelled - why they dont pass on this information is beyond me! have set up ellie and jon, and they are on their date tonight so this is all very exciting! Jon is a good bloke, very funny, very clever. ellie is a good girl - very funny, very clever, so it just seemed to go. am learning about motivation at the moment, its quite good...its all about how people in the work-place can motivate their employers...

anyways, am quite worried about young ben at the moment, so can the exeter people look after him, and give him the love that he needs...and to anyone else i hope that things are going ok. i have been feeling a bit better - had a horrid lecture yesterday - it was teh curse of my second year again - the philosophy of psychology again...but it was ok i suppose, 3-5 is just a dozey time to have a lecture...oh well.

am still hanging in there you know. i have people here to support me when i am down, and they make me laugh which is nice, and i still know that i have other people scattered around various parts of the country too.

and one last thing, i just want to say congratulations to my course friend rachel, who has just gotton herself engaged! there is still good in the world!

Hello blog

well, lectures have finally started, i had my first two yesterday. One was a bit hmm, it was interesting, but the lecturer was bit poor, and basically just read the handout, and not providing much else which i thought was a bit poor, so i think that this module will be quite hard. the other lecture was very meaty and was very interesting which was good, and what i needed, something to get my teeth into, but in this module there is a bit of confusion as to how it is going to be assessed, so its all a bit confusing..never mind. anyway, after the lectures i felt a bit bummed out if i was being completely honest so ellie, fiona and i all had a coffee and chat and we have agreed to set up small learning groups where we share the reading, and can bounce ideas off each other and stuff which should be good once we get them going.

anyways, i made my way home, and the lads came up to see me, and saw that i was a bit bummed. jon later came on msn, and we had a good old chat over the computer, he was also admitting that he felt really daunted which was actually quite relaxing as all the lads seem so cool about their work - but now at least i know that some of its a front. anyways, i also felt comfortable enough to tell him about my depression which was cool, and he was really supportive, saying in fact "you have a degree, have been accepted on a masters, and have me in a building - what more can you want?". i really cant complain about them, they have been really nice, they leave messages on my door inviting me to the stuff that they do, on monday i was honoured enough to go and watch university challenge with them!

i think that my anti-depressants are heightening some aspects of my personality, like my paranoia, and anxiety about certain things..have read the side-affects and this is expected, so..but have increased the dose to what i should be taking now....and have been to student support to make an appointment and thats next week, and so have done all i can at the mo...

anyways, back to nose in books for me...have already done two hours this morning! insanity indeed!

well we were due a quiz win....

This weekend I have actually really been working, and today i have read a stupid amount of journals but its all good, it getting me back into the swing of working, especially as my lectures start tomorrow (and not today as i has first thought, and only having walked to campus did i really this was the case). Anyways, on saturday i was reasearching for my practice essay, and in the evening i was invited to the pub with the lads.

sunday i went to the Mass here in Nottingham, they have it in the great hall and it is really well attended. I have said that i will sing in the music group, so we will see how that goes. I felt that the readings yesterday really struck a chord with me...i got a lot out of it. I met the Cathsoc after, and the post-grad committee member is actually one of my lecturers!

When i got back in i did reading fo journals and stuff in the afternoon, and in the evening i went to do a pub quiz with the guys which was cool. we came joint first, but if jon had written one of my answers then we would have actually won, and we came second in the best name competition, although everyone else said that we got the loudest cheer! anyway, we have won a free round of drinks one day this week which is good.

today, i have been working really hard all day actually..i have been making notes and reading chapters from books on the essay topic i have chosen. i have been getting side-effects from the anti-ds still, and tomorrow i start the full dose, so we will see how that goes. lectures start tomorrow too, its a heavy day actually. and one day this week will sit down for a few hours and write this essay that i am reading for, and have actually planned now too. and i also made my appointment with student support today, so we will see how they turn out, and my tutor sent me a really nice email so thats all good too.

am holding on in there you know, i know that i have to do this, and i know that i want to do this, so i just have to be strong dont i? my africa team have all been praying for me which is so nice, nut prayers from any blog readers will be cool too. and i have some really nice people supporting me here too, and have just had a right giggle with my flat mates which is so nice.

Back on....

well, yesterday was a day of completely mixed emotions for me...it really was. In the night i had to tell my neighbour and her "live-in" boyfriend (breaking many rules) to stop arguing as i was trying to sleep! I then had to get up five hours later so that I could officially register at the uni! I did, and now i am an official student at Nottingham. I then went to register with the health centre, and as the loevly nurse was talking to me, it juts all came out...all my blocked up emotions of the week, just bubbled over...she was so nice about it...she was a Christian and said to me "Well, at least you have somebody extra special you can turn to dont you?". she took me right over to the doctor, and the doctor saw me, and he has put me back on the anti-d's, I am to take a smaller dose for the first few days, to let my body get used to them, and then I have to double the dose. so there we go, i did it...and it feels like a big relief just to have told a professional and admit to having a problem.

anyways, my course mates were really sweet, and saw that i had had a little tear, so were just making me laugh, especially when martin had put that he drank 50 units of alcohol a week on his doctors form, so he was offered alcohol counselling! anyways, we had the last of our compulsary talks for the week. I went to the post-grad event for the day, but nothing much happened, but two people from Cloisters were there, and so we came back together, and arranged a time to meet in the evening, and then some of the guys came up for a chat.

in the evening, Liz, Lee, Andy, Ocean (cool name!), Jonathon, David,and a foreign student who is a split image for George Michael made our way into town for the evening postgrad event. i met a few people and chatted at the bar, and then we were joined by the last few cloister lads Adrian and Gareth (yep surrounded by lads looking after me!). I met my coursemates there too, who loved the fact that i was with bout 7 blokes! we all then went to a differnt club and had quite a good time! chatted to Lee and Andy when we got in, they are cool.

so am back on the anti-ds, am having some side-effects today, but i remember these from the last time i was on them, so i know that it will go away soon. am researching for my practice essay - its only 1000 words, on anything we wanted withing occupational psychology - have emailed a title to my tutor so I hope she will like it and tell me its ok.

thats it for now