Good girl...

today I have been a good girl. We had the student union talk today giving us all the info about the PGSA and the SU, and all the support services that we have available to us. I had also just received a text from my brother which said "its just a case of being confident and asking for help when you need it", and so the two things went together, and after the talk I went to the student support table, and the lady was so nice to me. I was a bit of a nervous wreck, and eyes were glazing slightly, and she said they would do all they could to help me...so tomorrow when i have my timetable on campus with me I will be booking my time to see them...I am finally getting my arse in gear about this. Couldnt let it go on for much longer, oh and i will be signing up for the doctors too, so we will see how they can help me and what they suggest too.

i then went to the poster sale, and saw something that made me very happy. As some of you may know, in Africa some of my prayer cards went missing, and i was gutted - especially cos i lost footprints - well they had it on a poster..and so now i have that on my wall, and it will remind me of what i already know, but sometimes in times of stress have a tendency to forget.

apart from that have not got lost once yet, and i even managed to find the Sainsburys - only 15 minutes walk away - bonus! am doing a lot of walking, it must be doing some good.

spoke to my other brother on the phone yesterday, and he basically told me that there was no option to go home, and that i have all their support which was good, and that he had all confidence in me, and he knows that i work hard, and will not waste this opportunity..i just wish i had his confidence...
anyways, have to look and think positive..in a years time i will be looking back at this and wondering what it was all about huh?

Nottingham Uni so far...

well as most of you may know, I have decided in some foolish manner that i was to come back to uni and do a masters, and i thought that I had the sufficient intelligence to do so. Well...on sunday i arrived to nottingham to start this year long course, and at the moment, I feel that on this sunday i should do a u-turn and go back home, saving a lot of money, and maybe my sanity. We have been having our induction briefings so far, and althought these are quite helpful in some respects, at the same time, they are making me feel very scared about it all, and i am having the will i cope alarm bells ringing frantically in my head. I am in a student flat which is quite nice...there is one other english girl with me, the rest are internationals. My course freinds are also surrounded by internationals, so it is nice to meet up with them, and hear other english accents. Not that i have anything against internationals at all, its just nice to speak to English people some time. Anyways, on monday ten of the english people from my block went to the pub which was really cool, and then last night our department did us a team bonding night/evening really so that we can do our full compulsory amount of mingling before you actuallu go insane...

am very scared at the moment. I have had my first panic attacks in ages, and it wasnt particularly pleasant. and i have had a few more since, and in the induction today i was nearly in tears because i just feel so stupid and pathetic about this all. I kindof just want the course to start so i can get my teeth into something, but at the same time i am thinking shall i just escape now because it will save a lot of money... oh i really have to go to the doctors, go to the chaplains,my tutot, and people, can you really pray for me...I feel that maybe i havnt been spending as much time as i could be with God, and so this really is my time...

Just to say that I am in Nottingham safe and sound, have manged to get the internet going all on my own, have not got lost yet (amazing I know!), and althought i have been naughty and gone out alone at night, i have not been approached by anyone but before anyone gets scared, i will nt be making a habit of it!

will tell you more about Nottingham another entry, cos this one I wanted to say Happy birthday my dear Benjamin Arnold! I hope that your liver survives this year...Thank you for being such an awesome friend, it really does mean a lot to me, and I hope that yo have had a good day! You are a star and make me laugh so much....and i really love that...i can be happy or miserbale around you and you dont care! cheers for being there my lovely! and welcome to the world of being over 21, and long may you enjoy it!

The mistake that i have made today is....



...that i am supposed to be in my flat at Nottingham, and infact I am still at home cos I got the date wrong...good start hey?! and to all those who said that I was clever enough to do a masters....

never mind, the good people at Nottingham will have my key ready for me to collect tomorrow, and then maybe some of my new flat mates will be there to wlecome me, so i wont feel like a big loser!


never mind zosh...you'll get somewhere eventually

Cake Making!

I baked a cake today - and it was a proper cake with flour, sugar eggs, and butter and everything - it even has plums in it! my mum is wanting to dig into it now, cos the whole house smells of the yummyness (and yes that is a word) And why? i hear you all say - Its my nans 76th birthday today, and she deserves a lot of things, and so i have got het some lovely flowers and made her a cake, and I am going to go round to her house later this evening, and give her a huge hug (I always do this anyway), and treat her like the quenn she is. Anyone who knows me , knows how proud I am of my nan, and she is the woman that I aspire to be, so I just want to say STOLAT Babcia, and love you more than you will ever know (and thats a hell of a lot of love). My babcia is the person that I do miss the most when I am away. she doesnt know this, but she sent me a letter whilst I was in Africa, and it took ages to come, but it arrived on my birthday - and i was so happy that it came on this day that I just cried my eyes out. That was the best present that anyone could have given to me - it was ace. and what Andrew as best man said in his speech about the Babcia test is so true - all you prospect boyfriends had better watch out!

Am glad to see that Ben has turned the corner and is on the cheery road again...and Ben i dont have that Mr Right just yet, hes a bit of a bugger really, and am at a loss as to what to do!

happy birthday babcia! kocham ciebie mocno.

Listening to a cd tonight whilst packing my clothes for uni, some of the lyrics really struck me, and so i am going to write some of them on my blog:

"I caught the briefest glimpse, I havent seen it since, When you smile at me Where'd you smile from. From insecurity"

"Have you ever let someone in to unmask you"

"And I'm hoping the God can make good things of our lives His love survives the greatest struggles"

"I wrestle with eternal questions"

"I push you away from me. protect myself"

Now its not often when music of the secular nature really speaks out to me, usually I just put a cd on, and sing to the tune, and ignore the words. but today, I have really been listening to lyrics of things, not just my cd, but songs on the radio too. Now 90% of the time, they really are drivel, but sometimes you can get gems.

Like I do push so many people away just to protect myself, and thats a huge weakness of mine, and sometimes i dont let people in to protect myself, because if I drop my guard, or if there is someone i like I dont tell them, because i know that its going to end in a huge fall, so i put up another barrier so that i can protect myself, and this is why it is hard for me to find a person i can trust, or even think to build a strong relationship with, and why when i do like people it usually ends in nothing for fear takes over.

I put on a happy face so many times...so much so, that my mum really says she doesnt know me a lot of the time, because I am so used to doing it, and that I will find it really hard to find true happiness because i have so much going on inside that I keep to myself that it is taking over me.

So when I heard the lyrics about the un-masking, and the protection of myself, and the smile of insecurity - i really understand...i really do.

And to end this, I really do hope that God can make a good thing of my life, and over the past few months I can see that His love can get me through some struggles, and so I am going to take this stength and continue....

The Exeter Review

Well this last weekend I went to Exeter, as I needed to escape the parents, and I wanted to see some people that I hadnt seen since February, and others who I wanted to see before I go to Nottingham. So on Friday afternoon, I got to Victoria Greenline Coach Station, and caught my coach to Exeter..to be texted on the way down to go to Arena...So when Ben collected me from the coach station...we dumped my stuff there, and headed over to Eds (didnt even change clothes, do my hair or put on make up). At Eds I met Hannah, who i have never met before, Dave, who i have never met before, Luke who I have met before, and of course Ed. We all went to Arena, and had a good night.

On Saturday I met Monica and Neil, and with Ben and Mark also we went to Paignton zoo, where every animal had to have a rhyming food source to keep it alive! The zoo was good, and thanks to the escaped Picary I had a gorgeous Hippo Honeycomb ice-cream. We got back, and I made tea for people, and then via Beer Box we went to Eds, where crazy games began, including how many people we could fit on an arm-chair, making a human pyramid, and getting a haribo from the forhead to the mouth by just using face muscles. It was a very fun evening, I laughed a lot.

On Sunday, I had a mini lie in, and then Ben and I made our way to Sacred Heart, on the way bumping into Tessa which was so nice. The service was Ok, but the hymns were dreadful. I really like to praise God through music, but couldnt because I, and many other people in the church did not know the hymns at all. This was disappointing. ben and i got food, and then made our way back to his, where we looked at James and Ellas wedding photos he got at the wedding! We then went to Belmont - I have never been to Belmont before, but I really enjoyed it. As I said on the post below, I had really good me and God time, and was really deep in prayer which was really satisfying, and it made a few things clearer for me. Ben and I then did a damn good quiz

On Monday, in the morning I cooked some of the food for the evening, including the biscuit base for the angel delight cake. Ben and I then looked through the lonely hearts, to find partners for each other, and then we made our way to town to meet the lovely always smiling Tessa, and to see my favourite book in film form - Pride and Prejudice - it was a good film. Having been informed by Mark that Monica cant have milk (she wouldnt be able to have had my angel delight cake), we got some chocolate and corn flakes to make crsipy cake. Was making both said cakes when Ed came over, and to Bens disgust, Ed got to lick out the bowls. people then came round, and we all (well I think we all) had a very good night. I beat Luke at chubby bunnies - i didnt think I would, he started so well, and I laughed a lot with Hannah - I cant even remember what was funny, but we laughed so much. She is a lovely girl.

Tuesday I came back home...and then visited my friend from school Helen, who noticed the eye contact thing straight away, and told me off...and she told me that I had to get all my depression, insecurities etc sorted. She is very strict, but says the truth.

And now, well now i am packing all my stuff up. I am feeling sick with nerves, and am feeling sorry for Ben, and I dont like hearing that he is down like this, and some of it is my fault. I have other things eating away at me, but my blog is not the place for them to come out. oh, and I had to fill in a Tearfund questionnaire/debrief/feedback form which was hard...like there was questions like "Did your team leader give you support?", and I really dread to think about the rest of my team wrote for this. But I sent this, and my report back this morning.

so Exeter people, thanks so much for a lovely time, and all your attempts at calming my nerves and my inadequacies. and to all those who are there, loom out for Ben for me.

am trying to be more cheery, so that people can leave a comment on the blog - it started off well, but has kindof gone downhill a bit really hasnt it?

Hey blog

Will blog more about exeter soon...but I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who was there and looking after me these last few days. It was so nice to see you all again and catch up. I really needed to get away for a bit, and to forget about the things that have been bothering me and eating away at me over the last few months., and it really did work. I didnt think that I could fit so much into a three days! But, what Exeter did make clear to me was that i am still so insecure about so many things...i really noticed that i could not look anyone in the eye when i spoke to them, and that must really piss everyone off...and i felt so bad, and no matter how much i tried i just couldnt bring myself to do it. It made it clear that I still worry about my wieght and size too much and it also made it clear that I am not better, and that I can cover up all my problems much quicker then actually dealing with them head on which is what i should do, but dont do. and so, times when i had the opportunity to reflect on things (and one of the most important and special times for this was in the service at Belmont, during the talk about habakuk), I was praying really hard, and got quite emotional in what I was thinking and writing, and had some really good time with God, and I just thought and knew really that the best thing is for me to go back on the anti-depressants, and start up some counselling again. So i have to thank my trip down to Exeter for making that clearer for me.

But, yesterday - and i really must thank Hannah for this - I laughed like I have not laughed for a long time, and it was really good. thanks so much sweetheart.

Hey blog

right now i am feeling a bit shitty. I am excited about going to Exeter tomorrow to see people that I havnt seen in alomost 7 months, that will be fun...

but over the last few days I have been getting increasingly more scared about going to Nottingham and my masters. i know i want to do it, there is no doubting that - what gets me is the little voice i have in my head continually telling me "you're not good enough". I think its because its been a year since i have taken on study...and i have been reading a text book that we were told that we could read if we wanted to but we didnt really have to, and if you couldnt be bothered to then it really didnt matter (but hey, you all knew that i would read it), and some of it was really hard to understand...and i know that i will be different when we have lectures and seminars and whatnot and are taught these things, but you all know what i am like..forever worrying and panicing....its not helathy is it?

i think that i am going to have to go to the docs and ask about the old medication again...i really think that although its been 7 days off a year now, (and my the time i go to the docs it will be over a year), the last few months may have been a lot easier for me if I was on them, and stopped this stupid notion that i can do without them when basically i cant. This was proven to me on one evening of my holiday, when i just really couldnt be bothered to do anything, and i just lay on my bed and cried, and just felt totally useless, and just thought about how much i hated myself and how i am and who i am, and went thorugh a mental list of what i would change about me, and basically, it just seemed to be easier to say that a new me should be formed who would be better.

i would really appreciate some prayers at this time. When watching the news they had a report on the famine in Nigre, and i just felt so stupid to be complaining about my insecurities and totally minute problems, when they are literally starving to death - i felt sick. so can we pray for them too - really really pray that somehow something will happen to make their situation so much better.

but to all the exeter guys, see you soon, and i will try my best to be happy and smiling to see you all!

Whilst in my local library yesterday, i was in the Health and Psychology section, and I saw a book called "If I am so wonderful...then why am I still single?"

a question i ask myself everyday!