Well, it has been a hard christmas so far as i predicted. On Christmas eve itself, I had to do half a days work, which i thoguht sucked as Polish people think that this day is the most important of the festival. In the evening, as is tradition we went to our ans for something called Wigilia, which is the evening, and we eat 12 different dishes (we fast for the rest of the day). now my grandad was no up for anything - he ahsnt been for ages, he looked quite bas actually, and we ended up hoisting him to bed, and then the carers came to change and clean him later. My nan was crying, then her brother who lives in Canada rang, and she was so upset. I was so tearful it was untrue - i went to hide, but my nan found me...we had a cry together - my mum then found me, and asked what was wrong...the thing is, i have found this week so hard, and its been one of the first weeks, where i have actually held my anti-d's in my hand with the intention of taking them again...i havnt yet - i have been string in that way, but weak in the way that I have been wanting to take the,...anyways, after we went to midnight mass, which is always a beautiful thing to do at christmas.

christmas day was a quiet affair in my house, as there were only four of us,m as one bro is spneding the christmas with his girlfriend and her family (the brother who is NOT getting married just yet ironically!) so i went to my nans to see how she was, and then went for a walk with my mum, and then we had christmas lucnh. after i was knackered, having done a 40 hour working week, getting up early and going to bed late, and so just kindof reaxed in the evening.

Today I have gotton up to go to church, and then went for a looooong walk....then my mum and i went to my nans, my grandad was asleep a lot of the time, the carers came to wake him up, and clean and change him, and hoist him into his chair, where we then fed him a cup of coffee (yes we feed him coffee with thickener, cos he cant swallow any other way cos he will choke - no swallowing reflex), and then we came home...am now just chilling am very tired, and just not feeling myself...or maybe this is myself and i am still ill - i just dont know anymore, but whatever it is, I am not happy, always feeling tearful, and just feel extremely alone.

Merry Christmas everyone, and may all your dreams come true in the new year

have just been called to diner as soon as i start to blog - bloody typical...will try again later

Today is the downest i have felt for a long time...its that time of the year really - when you see so many perfect things, and realise that things are not going well for you. I dont know, maybe its because I have got yet another cold, and am feeling really under the weather and I cant take time off work cos i need all the hours and money I can get, but there is a whole lot of other things on my mind, and its hard. Its been twelve weeks since i last took an anti-depressant and today I have come so close to taking one its untrue -thats how bad i am feeling.

I dunno - i guess its cos i am lonely. I am hearing that so many of my friends are in happy relationships, and dont get me wrong i am happy for them, but it really does just make me feel that there is something so incredibly wrong with me. Family isnt helping - making little comments at every opportunity thinking its funny, when really it is making me feel so upset. it just seems to me that as soon as something seems like it is going ok, something else happens and i am back at square one, taken a huge fall, and i am fed up of it. people always ask me what my greatest fear is, and really its growing old alone, and being unloved - thats a very scary thing.

my grandad is still so so ill. I saw him yesterday after not seeing him for two weeks, and everytime i see him he looks more vacant, more ghost like, its so horrid. my mum today said he was coughing, and just wouldnt stop, and that her and my nan were so scared that they just didnt know what to do. Now a cough may seem like nothing, but its bound to be a chest infection, or pneumonia or something and thats not great, and i just have this fear in the back of my mind, that something bad is going to happen someday soon, and its nit going away, and it upsetting me loads.

so put those two things together, and its one big mess. i hate colds, i feel really miserable, and just want to cry.

sorry guys - its not been the bets of days for me today...have no christmas spirit just yet - i think its going to be a hard christmas infact.

eek!
this week i did enough working hours to make up a whole working week(and more), in four days - granted i never left the office before 6:15 and was in before nine, but it is doable...why? i hear you all cry...well tomorrow i am taking a day off for my tearfund induction (will get to that in a mo), and the second reason is so that i can take the time off inbetween christmas and new year!

so tomorrow i have my tearfund induction - well its a whole weekend thing - i get to meet my team - yay! i hope that they like me....i will be upset if they dont...i hope we all get on well...i have to travel to the centre in the afternoon - in the morning i hope to get my haircut, and pack my clothes...so i am excited and scared - but they will like me wont they?

anyways apart from that, have just been working stupidly hard so that i can earn the money that will be taking me on thsi great adventure....it is getting so close now....

and ella - when you go down to exeter - i will be able to come then too - so iwill get to see you before i go...

and amy if you read this - i havnt heard from you in ages, i do hope that you are well and happy and that everything is fine and dandy with you...i miss you sweetheart, and keep in touch so that i know that you are ok.

and to everyone else, i hope taht end of term has not been too hectic, and that i will see you all when i descend upon exeter one more time!

love me
xxx

well tonight thank God its them instead of you...

yesterday the making of band aid 20 was on the telly - it was too late for me as i have to get up early in the morning, so i taped it and have just watched it, and i wsa in tears. It pains me so much that in this world where on one extreme we have people eating too much that they are obese and that they will die because they areso overwieght, yet at the same time people sre dying because they dot have enough to eat...seriously, this problem is insane, 20 years ago this wa shighlighted to us with live aid - i dont remember this at all - i was 1, but still 20 years later the problem still exists - and to out it bluntly - its fucking awful. I hope that people buy the band aid single - i am going to buy it - so i get that - its cheaper than a glass of wine in the bar near where i work, and yet it could save someone from dying - now that is something to make you think. next time you're in a pub and buying a drink, just think what that could bring to a starving child...

i am sorry to rant but the state of this world is truly awful. God gives us something fantastic - he gives us life, and a beautiful place to live in, yet we destroy it, and we destroy the lives of others. there are many places in the Bible where we are reminded to help the poor, and those less fortunate then ourselves, and this time of advent and preparation and thought and change, maybe now is the time to see what we can do....

i had to get that off my chest, so i know in 20 years time, when i have my family, they will say to me - so mummy did you do anything to help - i can safely say that i did. I am scared that when i go to Africa, and see some things first hand it is going to really hurt - so guys, prayers please. lets pray that governments realise just what they are doing to their countries, lets pray that there will be an end to famine, drought, war and destruction, and lets pray that we can all do the best that we can to help those who really and truly need it.

thanks