URGENT.

i dont know why, but when i got back late from work today i found out that my grandad was in hospital....so can he have your thoughts please...
as i said i dont have any more info...but it kindof sux enough that he's in there

hell at work....

man, its been a hard few days at work - too much of it - my boss set me work - thats supposed to be my priority - bless Fernando, but when five other divison members come up to me practically in tears with urgent deadlines - how am i supposed to refuse to help them? no i am the one with urgent deadlines - and who do i go to? never mind...

i read my emails - and this cheered me up no end:

Hi Zosia
Just to let you know that we prayed for you today in our team prayer time, as you prepare for your overnight prayer vigil at Exeter uni. As you didn't mention a date, it may well be that you have already been and gone, but God knows anyway, and we do trust you are blessed by the whole thing! Let us know how it went.
blessings
Jan

this is from the person who emailed me for Tearfund...so UNITE people, we have extra prayers for what we are doing - always good to know i think! that was a lovely surprise and has cheered me up no end. tomorrow i meet up with caz from uni for a drink in petts wood, and do the work that i promised fernando i would do...and then its just a day before exeter! awohoo! and i have already packed some photos that i have, of me looking silly at my graduation!

grandad is still very very ill - he will never get better - prayers to limit his pain and suffering are well and truly needed....

zosh xxx

13,830

That is the number of steps that i have talen today so far (not including obv as its not steps, the 25 mins i did on the cylse bike)...you see my pedometer from the bbc has finally arrived to help me in my big fat challenge.

am feeling miserable. i visited my nan today...i hadnt sen my grandad for an age - he has gone so downhill. he doesnt even speak, move, look - he just lies. my gran gave me the horrid task of searching the net for information on the prognosis of multi-infarct dementia. basically multi-infarct is a form of dementia that occurs when the brain does not receive enough oxygen while the individual suffers a series of small strokes. it has many symptoms including confusion, memory loss, lack of social skills, night time confusion etc. now, this means that the individual will decrease in a step-wise manner, and so people may not pick up on the problem until it is far too late. what makes multi-infarct dementia, well any demenatia hard is that no-body knows or understands how it is going to effect a certain individual, and what part of the brain is going to be effected (as different brain lobes have different functions, and studies are now beginning to show that phrenology may have been correct indeed as different areas of these lobes may have very specific functions). anyhows, i digress. i was asked to find out what the future may be for my grandad as it doesnt seem like we are to have a long future, and so i have been reading pages and pages about multi-infarct. and i am upset as basically, everything that they have warned us to expect, we are already exepriencing ... and more. and i have he job of telling my nan that the worst exepected has already happened, and so we are now entering/or some may say continuing with the great unknown. it is so so sad. there is absoultely sod all to be done, and we just sit and wait, and watch my poor grandad deteriorate further infront of us, and we are just helpless. it makes me feel physically sick.

sorry for the very blue nature of this entry, and the mini-psychology lecture that you have just received - thats the nature of my home life at the moment...sux really doesnt it?

+51

ths was a good sight this evening - +51...i have finally got myself into positive time from the time off ive had in exeter - it has taken its time and i have worked my guts out doing 42+ hours a week, but its finally in the positive, and i can start building it up so i can take a few days off again.

am quite subdued today. my nan has been very very tearful recently. she keeps on saying to my mum that i am going away for such a long time, and to such a far destination and how she is sad about it. yes that makes me feel guilty, but i know that i cannot put my life on hold. i will miss her truly - ANYONE who knows me just knows how much love i have for my nnan, and the isnspiration that she gives me. she has also been saying that she is selfish, keeping my grandad alive...she is scared. we all know if he goes ito hospital he wont come out, and that is frightening for all of us, but 100000 time more for my nan - theyve been married for 54 years, and the love she has for him is untrue, and so i can undertande why she is scared...it just upsets me when i hear she has been syaing these things. its heart wrenching.

another thing, this time of the year is pretty hard for me, as i am trying to forget some stuff that occurred around this time, but its just oh so very hard, and its getting me down. i have come on in leaps and bounds, but it is still hard for me to forget just how low i was. its hard - but a month off the anti-ds and i am still coping - just, but i am doing it, and not having nasty withdrawal symptoms either

lastly, am starting to prepare for my postgrad studies...its all very hard - but i am going to do a research degree as ths gives me more flexibility in what i can study and focus upon, i just need to find the funding and the institution that i want to study at.

see all you ex people next week

lots of good news

where do i begin? lots of good news -

1 - i am returning to exeter be it for a short period of time - i am going own for U-Nite (2)...and i dont have to take time off work! i go after work (well i leave an hour early, but i make that up in the week easy), and leave on sunday morning, but most importantly, i get there. unfortunately its not for longer but hey you cant win them all. and sorry that i miss seeing you ella...another time maybe?!

2 - i got my tearfund placement - this means that next year I got to Lesotho for four months from March - July. i leave home on the 5th of march, have three days orientation with my team, and then we fly out as a team and start our work!

3 - i put into my account three pay cheques today

4 - michael owen scored a goal for england

5 - did another 42 hour week at work, but had a bit of a laugh doing it.

so, there it is - but i really missed the important one - i have not taken an anti-depressant for three weeks now - thats THREE weeks, the longest i have managed without them!

but as always there is some sad news, my grandad has gone further down hill so prayers for him are much required. it really is not looking that good at all, and that is always a bad sign. i have not been allowed to see my nan for a few weeks now, due to infections and rashes that my grandad has had that could get passed on, and his immune system is down, so things get passed on and carried easily.

stay well everyone

busy busy busy

oh man...i have been so hectic this week it has been untrue. work has been manic, there have been a few cock ups in the office, and that just doesnt help anything, and has made things a hell of a lot worse. i can finally see my desk again, the work just mounts up its untrue. yesterday was a bad day - didnt leave till 6 in the evening, worked since 8:45 - was bad day, so charlotte and i went for a drink after work - as i had missed her b-day last week, and we hadnt had a chance to chat about things for a while - and we are girls, we had a lot to talk about - it was very pleasant. i am quite tired. i do enjoy my work loads, but its all been hectic...but what is good, is that i have already worked 33 hours this week, and still have a potential 8 1/2 tom, so that will mean a good few pounds earnt!

also had probelms with tearfund, in that they hadnt receieved one of my references - it has been lost in the ppst - but its ok - that is all sorted - Mme B wrote me a blinding reference - i didnt even know it was about me...so fingers crossed and prayers please!
sorry people in Exeter - cant come down for a long time - have to kake up A LOT of flexi time...but UNITE sounds absoultely fab. james i would have loved to see you and Ella, but if you read on there's another reason for me to be around here for bit...

one last plea - my grandad is very very poorly indeed. he should be in hospital, but the carers and district nurses know that if he goes in there he will not come out again, and so are doing everything in their power to keep him at home, but its not looking good at all. please can we pray to help him, but also maybe more importantly can we please pray for my babcia, who is so tearful all the time, and is really dreading the thought of losing my grandad. its very hard on all of us, but my babcia has had it the worst. its not looking good, but i cant do anything about it anymore. we have already been blessed with a year we thought that we would never have, and we pray for every other minute now.

wow....

what a hectic few weeks i have had. the week before last i did a really long working week, so i could build up as much flexitime as i could so i had some time off and money to play with when i was in Exeter - this meant getting in early, and on some occassions leving at 6:20 after having done a nine hour day....so by the time i got into Exeter on Friday night i was very very tired.

last saturday i tried my best to treat Lisa like a queen as it was her 21st birthday - we did many things, we drank, went to the beach, we drank, went to timepiece bar, we drank...and made it to the chaplaincy the next day - and i didnt have a hangover! being back at the chapliancy was just great - even though it wsant that busy as term had not really started, it was just lovely being back in such a friendly atmosphere...walking back to james' with rob - we encountered a very drunk girl - luckily she was going our way - i was quite worried about her - but she got back safely.

monday was a me afternoon really - i had spent the night half on the coach at James' house, and when mark had gone to work i used his bed...and didnt emereg till late. i went into town, onto campus, and then the chaplians recepetion which was well turned out i thought... back to James' i went, and James actually returned to exeter! i left very late and crept back into Lisas house.

Tuesday i went out with James, and did a but of history...in the afternoon we had the chaplaincy cream teas...in the evening we went to Cowley - oh how i loved cowley...mark was ill in the back garden - i am usually ill after looking after ill people, today i wasnt.

wednesday - my last day - i went to campus and met some people - including Rach! went to james' and the walked to Lisa's had a few drinks, and then got 14 pizzas and 8 paclets of gralic bread for the pizza and vid night at the chaplaincy. i then went ot help out at the cream teas, and after stayed to help get the chaplacniy ready - the new housemates there seem lovely. i cooked a stupid amount of pizza and garlic bread, but it all went down well. as the vid was being watched i cleaned up the kitchen and then went to pray in the chapel...as i had missed the whole first chink of the vid i was never going to get into it, but it didnt matter, i was quite content in my own thoughts. said tara to everyone, and then made my way to James' for a drink and a chat, then once again crept back into Lisas.

thursday, i made my way home, the coach to vcitoria was fine - i had a wee wait in victoria stations, and then finally got the train back home, and wlaked up the road to be let into my house by my bro....

friday i was back at work. i had been informed that the office was quiet without me - charlotte said that she was gutted that i had missed her birthday - i am sure we will make up for that another time, but there have been a few horrors! I am being moved ot the sensible end of the office, in our office reshuffle - charlotte and i will no longer be able to raid each others desk, and speak in our whispered tones...as she stated "bring on the email", but at least this will mean i have a phine on ym desk - hell yeah! but while i was away a stationary thief had been at large - my stapler had gone a walkies, and my scissors! i worked through the to do list left by my boss, and the piles of stuff on my desk, and they still werent there - luckily my foot rest still existed! anyways, it wsa nice being back at work, and everyone was saying how nice it wsa for me to be back in the office, which is always nice to here, but most importantly, i have now caught up with the offic egoss, and in the office move - i get placed next to somebody else with whom i may wnjoy being seated next to!

today i have been very sleepy - but hey its the weekened and i have loads of sleep to catch up on. i am going to the sung mass in the morning, which means that i will miss the visit to the cemetry, as it is the sixth anniversary of my babcias death on monday - prayers will be very welcome for the family, its a tough time. i cant go and visit my other babcia, as there is some horrid skin rash going around, and its being passed onto carers and other patienrs and what not, its what my grandad really needs isnt it? he has not been the same since his last chest infection, and he may have had another stroke last week as my nan says he has gone very downhill again, so prayers for him also please - he is never out of my thoughts.

one last call for prayers - i still have not heard from Tearfund, so please can we pray that i hear from them soon and that the news will be positive as i just want to go so much

thank you all