today...

today was my interview with Tearfund, the Christian organisation that i hope to go travelling to Lesotho with. There message is "Don't become so well asjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention to God. You'll be changed from the inside out" (The Message, Romans 12).

I got to the station, and saw another girl with the map, so we made our way to the church together, where i met an abbundance of people and we all talked and introduced ourselves. There were presentations about the charity, and then we basically had to wait to be interviewed. i was second to last, and so was getting quite nervous. My interview was quite hard. the thing was my interviewer was trying to make me think about what the worst case scenario for me to be in was...and that was the fact that I was a Catholic, and there may be a problem with the fact that i would not be partaking in the Whole service (in that i wouldnt have communion), and that some people may have a problem with that - and how that would make me feel. I said that truthfully I would be upset by that, because we all worship the same God, read the same Bible, and read that Jesus loves us all, not even looking at race/language/sex...and so if we are following his examples, which as Christians we should be doing, than this should not be an issue. All the other people that i spoke to really didnt have a problem with it at all. Can i please ask for prayers that I get my placement because after today and meeting so many lovely people, i really and truly would love to have this opportunity.

other than that, i am getting on with my job - am actually enjoying it loads, and have made some lovely friends....and cant wait to see everyone else back down in Exeter this time next week.

love zosh xx

well, its a normal day at work, when you leave the office building and you bump into Sit Trev (Mc Donald, that is), coming out of the local pharmacy - yes indeed that is what happened to me today...the itv studios are opposite! so that was exciting. my new best friend in the office is the fax machine - i had to send billins and millions of faxs today, and Charlotte kept on paying me stupid compliments - cos she was "in that mood", bless her cottons...and we had an office chat about nits...as you do

you see i leave work in a kindof good mood, and step indoors and everything comes rushing back...can we have prayers for my grandad please - he has got a really bad chest infection, breathing is even harder for him, and it is making it much harder for him to swallow, meaning that choking is of higher risk...so can we pray that he gets better as soon as possible to help all of us - including my babcia.

i hope everyone is well...i might have an interview with tearfund on saturday - can we also pray for me (big headed i know) to hope that my application goes forward well

zosh xxx

well...

so i havnt blogged for a long time...and there have been a few reasons why. i tried to stop my anti-depressants again cos i just wanted to see how long i could go on without them - -that was not the best of ideas really...i didnt really work. i tried to make out that i was ok and that nothing was bothering me that much, but really i was hurting so much inside and retreating, and just trying to block it all out, and not face any of the problems that i have - which is the wrong way to go about it all. doing that actually just highlighted all the things that i think are so wrong with me, and the way that my life is going at the mo that it made me feel worse...so back on them i am again...plus i was getting really bad symotms and work was really hard.

work is ok - i have been there for two weeks now, and have made friends with people on my floor. i went out with some of them on monday (two of my mates had been dumped), and we all drunk through our problems - not a particularly good idea i know - it wasnt a pleasant evening. but have made a lovely friend in charlotte, who sits next to me and makes me chuckle..she realised i havnt been that happy recently and sat me down, and did the whole talk that i have been through with many peopel....but it is hard for me. i have tried to do what some people have suggested in that i write a list of what i dont lime about myself, and then improve on them one by one, but the list was getting too long, and some things i doubt i will ever be able to change - so that failed.

but to end this entry on a light note - if you have read dear James' blog you will have read the good and very exciting news! Congratulations James and Ella, you are two lovely people and special friends, and i know that you will be very happy together. I am very chuffed for you both.

its quite sad - i openly admit it when telly makes you cry - but i have just watched Eastenders, and dots cancer thing has really hit home...the ending was lucky for dot, but for so many its not that lucky, and that just reminded me of my gran, who died six years ago, and its just so upsetting. you then think about all the other illnesses that just cannot be treated - my grandad who is bed bound suffering so badly with multi-infarct dementia...it hurts me so much to see him lying there, when i know he knows nothing of what is going on around him. and then i think of all those innocent children who lost their lives today over stupid bloody wars that dont have to happen...the world is full of nasty illnesses that disable and slowly kill people in terrrible terrible ways, and then you get mindless idiots (to put it politely) who go and kill people who have their whole lives ahead of them, and the only decision they made that day was to go to school - somewhere that should be safe for them to go. seriously whre is the world going? people threatening live executions, rape, war, violence...is there no end to this suffering?

you can tell that i am having one of those days...i have just got so much on my mind it is untrue. i am scared that now i have left uni, everyone that i have left behind there is going to forget about me, or lose contact with me, or not see me as a friend anymore. especially as all my close friends are still there being able to spend time with each other, in each others company, and i am so far away. i am scared that i am just not getting better at all. that i still really and truly depend upon my anti-depressants. i have really tried to stop taking them, but it didnt work, and the doctor suggested that i continue with my dose. i am scared that i am just not coping. and i am scared that i am still on my own.

i went for a drink after work with my work mate charlotte, and it was just such a good conversation. I have known this girl for a week, and yet we feel like we can tell each other everything. she cheers me up at work, i cheer her up. she has had a tough life too, and i pray for her, as she had a particularly hard day today, and i could not do anything to help.

and also i pray for some very special people. they should know who they are right now. one makes me laugh like nobody else, and i thank them for the help they gave me at uni, and that we remain good friends. the other i am proud of like you wouldnt believe, the strenghth and the inspiration, and total love i get was crazy, and you really and truly deserve all that you get in the future.

i just hope that every day that goes past we can be thankful that we are alive, and have people around us to look out for us.