what a strange few days...
so wednesday was a bit down...till the evening - thank you cathsoc for holding me and rachel a partu with all the yummy food (mmm jelly babies) - twas lovely and i had a really nice time (pesky Lisa all the cider and black). i then suggested the park - it was a good suggestion, james, rob, lisa and i went to the park and played on the swings and the slide, and a wannabe see-saw but that was crap - i am all bruised now for some reason....hmmm

anyways - luckily for me lisa lives two minutes away from the park - so i stayed at lisa's abd james and rob had to walk all the way home!
got up at lisas and we had a chat and laugh and walked into town, and i continued home, where i got down to my work - and got more done than i thought i would on limited sleep.
i was attempting to cheer up amy in the evening cos she was all upset - i dont know how well i did, i like to think i did ok, but am not too sure.
today i have done work at home, and am now in the library to do some more work - revision notes.

Poland joins the european union tomorrow - yay!
hope everyone is well
zoshx

HMM A BIT HMMM

so what i thought was relief was really and truly stupid niggles...i have given the damn thing in there is nothing i can change even if i wanted to...also gave in an essay, that was also hmm, but in our seminar he kept on quoting papers that i had used in my essay - i dont know whether that is a good or bad sign.
yesterday and today, i dont know why, i just seem to be up and down in mood, one minute i will be fine, and then the next i am in tears and i dont know why so its all a bit odd, and i dont like it at all, and so i am trying my hardest tos top myself. hopefully i will be ok for tonight.
am just getting down to revision now, i have a poster to make for my project - but that should be quite fun i think...
not much else to say - i need cheering up, so cheer me up people...

zosh x

RELIEF

YAY FOR ME! gave in my project this morning, so its in, but now i am having all this niggling worries like have i done enough for it, is it of a good enough standard, and yeah it is all very scary but it is done and there is nothing that i can do about it now. this morning was also my very last chairing of an sslc meeting by me, and dave made sure that it was minuted that helen and i were thanked for our work - and i can tell you we have done loads, am just doing some reasearch in the library before i go home and read some journal articles.

lisa - amy was very impressed with the pressies - as was my mum - as was me - truly shocked i am still - my dear - thank you.

am off to work as a good responsible adult.
no doubt i will see all you lots who read this very soon
zosh x

IT JUST NEEDS TO BE BLOGGED...

well yesterday and today have been quite exciting...yesterday i did a lot of work, but i also went to take pretty photos of campus in the sun - and amy showed me this stream that i never knew existed, and it was just stunning.

today was the first mass of the term, and lisa chose some lovely hymns, and it was very nice...but this is just what had to be blogged - lisa - is a star, and just - well i love lisa, she got me 21 presents to celebrate my 21 years of life - i mean how great - i got a cushion,chocolate, jelly babies, a hangover cure, smellies, alcohol, photo album, bracelet, footprints, cuddly toys - just so many beautiful things - i just cant take it in...lisa thank you so much, that has just made my birthday so special, so so special ot is untrue...and a beautiful card - i have never had so many birthday cards (well its only 11, but that is loads for me!), but man alive - thank you lisa. as it was so sunny, lisa and i went to the imp gardens for a drink (non alcoholic), and then i showed lisa the pretty stream on campus - it is very pretty...and on the way back, i just thought i would come and blog, before doing some work...

oh and i have wanted to blog this for ages, i did 102 on juggling with three balls - my best ever ever ever!

good day to you all

zosh xxx

EXCITING DAY TWO!!

no seriously - i should be hungover - i mean yesterday was a BIG night! but i am not - i feel as spritely as ever! who said getting old was bad....
i have just got my project bound - WOHOO!!!! its so so pretty! its done wahey!
thank you to helen - card total is 10!! and all the messages have been great..and thank you to amy and paul for a lovely evening!
am so glad project is done - yay!
have lost another pound in weight - wohoo! sooo close to target now...
cant wait to see all you guys when you get back - have to celebrate my birthday with you..
and mark, james rob...house party this term? and paul says we can use the BBQ! mmm meat on BBQ!
might go sit in Reed, but Hayfever is bad today!
thank you for making me feel special on my birthday - love you all
zosh xxx

IT'S HERE - THE KEY TO THE DOOR!

wohoo! a day for me - my birthday! I am 21!!!! thats 21!!!! and i am very excitable today because it is sooooo sunny outside it is beautiful and i love the sun! so yay!

i just want to say a few thankyou's - thank you to Susannah for being the first to text and for the beautiful ear-rings and neck-lace, to my uncle and aunt for the bear and bracelet, to my gran for just being wonderful (that's grandad too), to all my friends for the champage, and to all the lovely people who have sent me a card - i had a lot of pleasure opening them, and they are being displayed in my room (and helen - evil postman...), to Paul for singing happy birthday (a duet with the cleaner!), and to James - wow you know a lot about april 22nd also a big thank you to my lovely family - its a pity you're not here to celebrate with me, and thank you to those who are....

i was walking through reed gardens and it just looks so beautiful with all the flowers opening, and the sun shinning, and i just thought how lovely...i really did, i could just sit there all day admiring its beauty

i think a few drinks tonight maybe...well it will be rude to me not to!

from the birthday girl herself
zoshxxx
(ps - happy birthday to us Liz!!! - hope ur having a good day too!)

might go an get chocolate to eat on my birthday...mmm...chocolate..

hmm
well today i went to my really truly boring meeting, and i was thanked for going, and i did even make contributions - which is always good...but it was surprising as to how many people didnt pay attention - others were reading journal articles etc whilst the meeting was goin on, and one lecturer was even falling asleep - v funny!

am not planning anything for my birthday tom - if anyone is around then pop by to say hi or whatever, but everyone is at home or busy with dissertations....so will have a nice night infront of the telly.

did two lectures worth of revision notes yesterday amd will do more this afternoon - its is very interesting, but also very tiring on the old brain.

cant beilieve im 21 tomorrow - i dont feel 21 - and damn it will be single on my birthday...

lisa has just got back into england! wohoo..

GRR
its nice knowing that my supervisor realises i am in a panic - so is sending me dont panic emails, but its not nice being in a panic - in fact i hate it. i just keep on finding little mistakes, and having annoying questions pop into my head late at night when i am trying to sleep, but hey ho life goes on...
this afternoon, i am going to read the papers for my nine o'clock meeting tomorrow - i know its sooo worng, and then do some revision notes on my disability seminar - ive read over some stuff, and it is all very interesting, so will just do it i think.
only two days to go till my birthday - it really does suck that my family wont be here to celebrate - i have been told that they will think of me on that day (well i hope they will), but it isnt the same - never mind - there will be other birthdays. 2 days to go - man...
well had better go and retrieve these papers i have to read
so long
zosh

GUESS WHO'S BACK?
yep that's right - got back to exeter yesterday, and it is nice to be back where it is quiet to work, and get stuff done. the journey was hard as it was raining very heavily, but we made it safe and sound. mum and dad took me shopping so i had some food - we had some lunch, then they left. i unpacked all afternoon and evening as i wanted to sort out my room. couldnt be bothered to cook tea, so just went to bed quite early.

today i have made the typo changes to my project and essay. will read them through again tomorrow, and make all the cover sheets etc (i forgot the handbook today - d'oh!), and then fingers crossed they will be done. now i have to catch up on some seminar reading, and do some more revision notes - but i am nearly there.

only 3 - yes thats three days till the big 21 - have pressies just screaming - open me - but i am not allowed to grr. saw my liz the other day at her party - she is great - but it must be remembered i am six hours older then she is!!! but it was lovely seeing her again i had a really nice saturday.

hope everyone else is ok and not too busy with the old W word!
take care
zosh xx

THANK YOU TO MY WONDERFUL FRIENDS

just a quick break from my packing - would like to say thank you to helie, bec , priya and clare for a lovely time yesterday, and your words/lectures of support and encouragement - your great people, and i am truly honoured to call you guys my friends (and i am sure i will enjoy the champagne....just wait till july and we will celebrate your birthdays in style!). whole i am thank youing - also a thank you to Susannah for a great thursday night and somewhere to sleep - and my directions back to the underground!

am so close to the end of my project now - have just been through it, and all i need to do is change typos,a nd add a reference - then its to be printed and bound, and done - i think if i continue reading it i will probably end up changing it for the worse.

have a few cards and pressies here and i am itching to open them - but i am not allowed to grrr - bring on thursday...i might have more by then (doubt it but i might..) its all very exciting.

back to exeter, will be there tomorrow afternoon - will be v tired as am on my fourth pre-birthday celebration night in a row - today its with my birthday sister, smelly sweaty Lig with rank hair (i love her dearly - thats my pet name for her!)...but am excited about coming back...have been filling in my graduation booklet form too - so much to do.....
anyways, better get back to packing - we want to leave at eight tomorrow morning - yeah whatever!
5 days to go....
zosh xxx

WHAT A GOOD FAKE BIRTHDAY I HAD...

well as i said yesterday i went to london to see a friend who goes to uni there - and it turns out that her friend had got us onto a guest list for a club - how exciting - we got there and met the owner (he used to go out with an atomic kitten susannah tells me) - he was very nice. i was chatting to him - cos he noticed an accent, so i bent the truth somewhat, saying that i was from exeter (so not really a lie - i do study there), and that i had come to london to celebrate my 21st (so i was in London, and i was celebrating my 21st with susannah - just a week early), anyway, i musy have been convincing, because drinks were on him from then on! yep the club owner got me birthday drinks, and even when i was leaving a big birthday hug, and a photo for my camera phone - who said that all these club owners are bad...i had a great night, but have had a bad hangover today, and the train home from Victoria was odd, i nearly fanited - but the person opposite me was very nice, and opened the windows and took care of me...

so it was good - i had fun - now am just off with school friends for another pre-birthday celebration - this should be good too - and parents are lending me money tonight - wohoo!

birthday in 6 days - exeter in two - all these countdowns can get quite confusing!
xxx

ONE WEEK TO GO!!
wohoo - just one week to my birthday - but the celebrations have already started...as i said i am not going to be with my family on my birthday so we went out for a family meal yesterday - which is a shock cos we never go out ot eat! a good time was had by all...tonight i am meeting with a friend at UCL and just general doing the bars in London, tomorrow its school friends, and saturday a party with my birthday sister (a friend who shares the EXACT birthdy with me - i am 6 hours older though!). so its all busy - i work in the day and go out by night - no wonder i am so tried - have written all the revision notes for one seminar now - am glad that is done...just two more seminars to go, and hopefully will have my project bound my next week - i am plaguing jeremy with panicky emails - never mind.

better go straighten my hair so i can catch my train i need to get.
zosh xx

I AM AN ANGEL!
two people have called me an angel today - so it really must be true! rachel (happy birthday by the way) called me an angel when she got my birthday card i lovingly sent her, and my nan called my an angel when i did some grandad-sitting today cos she had to go to the doctors...so it must be true...no its not i know, but its nice to be complimented espceially after what has happened in the last couple of weeks...
nan is very ill - she couldnt move this morning - mum and i were very worried about her so was the distriuct nurse - so we all wnet ot the doctors and demanded she had an appointment...grandad is trying to do the great escape and keeps on falling out of bed - we have prcatically had to barricade him in today - he was talking no sense - i just left him to it, and doid my revision notes - there is nothing that i can do to help him.
have done revision notes for one lecture today - not that gopod - but had to read four journals to make them - but that is good - have to email jeremy about some things for my project...
oh i am an angel - that has made me happy!!!
out for a family meal to celebrate my birthday tomorrow - am seeing a firnd on thursday as a celebration, and then school firmeds on friday as a celebration - its all quite fun - 9 days to go...
back in exeter soon....5 days for that
xxx

A TEARY EASTER...

today was a somewhat teary affair for me...normally we have a Polish family easter - doing the whole sharing of the blessed egg wishing good health and happiness. this year my nan was just too poorly so i didnt even get to see her, and she didnt want peopl ringing, so i couldnt even ring to tell her i loved her - that was sad. my cousins and uncle and aunt came over, and we had traditinal polish food, and stuff, then later my mum and aunt were talking about the last summer, and that was just very upsetting for me, and i found out that they didnt tell me a lot of what happened, and they still hide things from me when i am away at uni...i know that they are only stopping my worry, and practically there is nothing that i can do, but i could come home and say my goodbyes, and that i what i never did befor my last grandad died, and i will always kick myself about that. anyways, as you can imagine i was teary, and my mum bless her i think finally realised how much this does all affect me, and how my depression is not just about all the inadequacies i think about myself (and there are many).

but this time of the year is a special time. for so many reasons, and yesterday at the vigil service i felt something special, it was a strange feeling, but it was like everything was clicking into place, and it just felt so right to be there at that moment. it did make me realise that finding someone who does understand that my religion is important is something that i have to do.

i hope everyon else had a good easter....11 days till i am 21 - eek. my parents are taking me for a meal this week, as i will be in exeter alone for my actual birthday - probably revising! and one of my friends is demanding we meet up - as she says "we cant let your birthday pass unnoticed" - well if she says so...

am going to eat some chocolate now i can to cheer myself up and stop the tears - i didnt have any chocolate cravings during lent, but now i can eat it, its all that i am thinking about - this is stupid.

take care of yourselves
xxx

HAPPY EASTER!!!
i dont know if i will have time to blog tomorrow, but as today is Holy Saturday anyways, i want to wish everyone a happy easter...
yesterday being Good Friday, it was a quite day here, I went to church in the afternoon (busier then it has been for a loooong time), and then didnt really do much. My mum was cooking lots of Polish food, which made the fasting a lot harder - but i suppose these things are all about temptation, and thinking about what we want but cant have, and so forth...
today, i ahve just come back from another Polish tradition that we do - in that we bless the food that we eat on Easter Sunday - this is done in a Polish parish a fair drive from where we live - but we see the same Polish ladies each year - with the "is that Zosia - My you have grown into a pretty young lady" - every year - they are amazed that i dont look like a five year old anymore!! most fo them used to teach me Polish at Polish school. On the way out from having the food blessed, i bumped into my dancing teacher - luckily she didnt really recognise me - its lucky cos i never went to the 25th annivesary of our Polish dancing group - I have watched the video and thought that it was crap - not a patch on our last concert...anyway i digress
So we had our food blessed, thats all good. Tonight i am going to the vigil mass with the rest of my family - it will probably be a busy church again - but that is a good sign.

Just a quick good luck to Mark - being received into the church today - a day u will remember for a long time. take care, and i hope it all goes well.

happy easter to you all once again
12 days till i am 21....wohoo!
zosh xx

THE OFFICIAL COUNTDOWN BEGINS!

yes my dear friends - it is exactly 14 days, until I turn the grand old age of 21...!just 14 days left...yay! i do like birthdays, but this year it will be somewhat sad affair as i am away from my family, and will be on my ownsome back in exeter....grrr.

never mind - have been working hard, i made all the changes to my project today - re-wrote my abstrct, chnged the typos, and i also did my essay too - havnt i worked hard?! yesterday i drove round to see my nan, she was not good at all - a painful thing is shingkes- she could hardly move. i went to check on my grandad (bed -bound) who was trying his hardest to "get back home". Now i had to try and convince him in Polish, that he was at home - i told him he was lying in hid bed, and he had his chair, telly and radion in his room. I told him that he had been livng in his house for about 35 years now, and that he used to do the gardening. this worked for all of minutes. he then wanted "to be where his sister was" - i told him that he had not seen his sister for about a year, but there were other family members about, like ne his grandaughter - and his wife (who he usually confuses with his sister). my poor nan was hearing that i was struggling to keep him in his bed - and so she had to come in when it was so clear that she was in pain. this was so upsetting for me. i wish that i could take some of my nans pain from her, and that there was more that i could do, but there isnt. i didnt want to leave my nan on her own, so i waitde unitl my aunt came, then went home.

man, thats hard. once home i read over some seminar notes on which i am to make some notes on soon - but it is all very interesting, and it does help that i have already done the extra reading.

i drove my bro to town today -i likr driving - im in my car - i can sing as load as i want and no-onw will hear me. i have also been helping ym mum cook all the yummy Polish food that we have - today i made fudge for her mmmm...i then cycled on the cycle bike 9just two pounds to go until target weight).

hope everyone is having a good break - better go and cook the tea...
zosh xxx

TIRED...
ever since i have got home (well before really), i have been so tired - my mum calls it end of termitus - i call it worry. but i really need to sleep tonight - so sorry helen and any other Newsteadians - will have to do late night tea another night...
well what have i been up to? on sunday - i went to church for Palm sunday...now my priest is elderly, and actually uses an electronic wheelchair - so unlike paul, who i imagine would have soaled the palms, ours barely got a sprinkling. after church, went home, and sat and read the papers, and then had some lunch. I then read some articles i had found so that i could start some revision. my mum made a roast, and then i watched and film - but kindof dozed through its...so to bed i went.

monday - i went shopping for food - and yay i didnt have to pay for one thing! we then went to get stuff my nan needed. after i started making some of the chnages to my project in rough form, and reading through it checking for typos and wondering what alterations i could make...i then did...wait fot ot - revision notes. i cycled on the cylce bike (i aim to cycle every day), and in the evening i bantered with both of my bro's - its so good to have them back...

today - i went up to London to get my christmas present - that may sound odd i know...but i had credit in a shop in London - and it was nearly running out, so i got two very pricey pairs of earings...then my mum and i went all the way to west kensington to go to the Polish shop - yes there is a Polish shop, cos we wanted to get all the yummy speciality hams and stuff for easter. then i did more revision notes, and have read over my essay.

i do realise that what james wrote in my comments box is completely right, and i should not be so angry at chris cos he did make it easier for me in the long run, but at the end of the day, i am a girl and i do get upset, cos when things like that happen, i immediately think that there must be something wrong with me, and that i have to change in someway - so i get angry with me, and find it easier just to make him out to be the bad guy....he probably saw it as a lucky esacpe really....

tata for now
xxx

YAY IM HOME!
well yes i am home - thank goodness.
this is just a quick message to evryone who has been so kind to me after being dumped...
so far chris has been called a fucker, a wanker, a bastard, a dipshit, a swine (that was my nan - she has never used that word before i'll have you know), lame, cowardly and a fool face (that was Lisa - she cant swear at the mo, or else it would have been a lot worse). so thats great - and its all true - cant handle my religion -well screw you chris - i think you've missed out.
obviously i am upset. everyone who knows me knows how much i wanted a boyfrined,a nd all the barriers i have put up, and now, well i have one more for my collection - oh yay!
well, just another plea - please pray for my grand-parents - my nans shingles is still bad, she could hardly move when i went to see her this evening, and she had to call an ambulance last night when grandad fell out of his bed. so please can we pray for their health.

quite selfish too, but please can we pray for me, so that i can be happy, and that something right can happen to me for once.
love you all who have been there and insulted chris with me, he has missed out hasnt he? or am i just being foolish once again
well at least i can have a hug from my mum now
love zosh xxx

THIS SHOULD BE AN INTERESTING READ

well last night was aiming to be a cheer up amy night, cos her boyfriend (Joe) has gone away for three months...so being me, i got cheer up food - iced buns, party rings, dip, we had chips and ice cream, and i got us a nice chilled bottle of white wine...
all was going well - until i got DUMPED!!!!! so it ended up as a cheer up both of us night, and quite an alcoholic affair, as Paul (who came in, and saw us quite merry can vouch for - sorry Paul).

after saying yesterday that Chris was a decent bloke - i think i can take that all back....what decent bloke dumps a girl via text...NONE!!! and you should wait for the reason of the break up - one i have never had before...usually i get the not pretty enough, ive had the well i kindof like your mate, ive had the i'm not ready for a realtionship yet...but never have i had the i really like you...(read on the reason for the dump is just coming...)
but - to quote the afore mentioned text "i wouldnt be able to handle your religion"
Yes my dear friends that is the reason...what a shocker - never ever ever have i had that before.
obviously i go on dates with a neon sign above my head saying Catholic beware - we are dangerous people - so dangerous you wouldnt be able to handle us. i mean this is insane....yes i am catholic - but why should that matter to anyone else but me. i mean religion is important to me, but i have no worries if other people arent religious, i mean them not being religious, is as much of a decision as me being a catholc. also, this is what gets me, i am not a Catholic, that talks about Catholicism all the time, i like to keep my faith personal, and anyone who knows me, will know that.
and obviosiuly he does not know much about catholicism if he says something like that.
well chris my dear, i am glad that came out early, so that i am shot of you, the W****R. he is just lucky that Lisa isnt in the country cos she would have kicked his ass.

so people - zosh is single AGAIN!!! the story of my life. strangely enough i am not at all hungover today - i definately should be - but i am not - it must be because i am a catholic...
well isnt that a jolly piece of news - dumped - its such an ugly word - but never mind, as is sent back to him - its his loss - he has missed out, and if he really does think like that - well the earlier i got out the better.

thank goodness i go home tomorrow.

tara my lovely people
stay well, and do me a favour - never dump anyone by text - its rude.
zosh xx

life is all a bit hmm at the moment, so i am going to ask people to pray for me if you dont mind doing so. i am a bit confused about what to do, and i need prayers for clarity. things are ok, i am getting there, i just need some help and some guidance.

saw chris last night - we watched a dvd, he walked me home, it was all very nice, he is a nice lad, but there are some buts as there always is, but here is not the right place to say them. we will have to see how things go - he is a really decent bloke - dont get me wrong, he is very decent - i think its just me, but we will see. hmm a riddle.

my head is not thinking straight am off into town to get cheer up amy things...
zosh x