NEARLY HOME TIME

so its wednesday - i go home on staurday - i have nearly done it...
today i feel a lot better than yesterday - essay is done - all but 5 references of articles that are probably to be found on my bedroom floor - so that is a relief - its ok i think - am not sure, but i never am with these things.

might be seeing chris before i go home - it all depends on when he has training...
short blog today, as all i ahve done is worked-dull very dull i know
zoshx

HMMMMM

just seen jeremy - he has read a copy of my project already - speedy man that he is - he was going to post it to me, but i went up to see him - only really need to make a few chnages so it reads a bit better - and so that was quite relieving...
have just heard from Lisa in cyprus - she rang yesterday from the airport all excited, and she has just texted now, saying how sunny it is, and how she is meeting the turkish education minister tomorrow - she sounds happier than she has for a while - i just pray that it stays that well.

am still doing essay - was going to type more today, but i found this really good link to this one researchers web-site and so read lots of journals instead, and have some new info to add, which should make my essay a bit more up to date - all very exciting.

back home now i think
not much else to report...its all a bit hmmmmm

zosh xxx

busy and FUN

well the weekend has been busy buasy busy, but fun too. friday evenin was the prayer group, that was very relaxing and gave me plenty of time to think...after amy, rachel and i just watched some telly, and hade a relax.

saturday - i slept in - havnt done that for ages - it has been that my body wakes up at eight - and thats it -i get up, and it did wake up at eight - but i didnt get up, i fell back to sleep - oops. i made up for it though - and i worked really hard in planning my essay and reading articles and such like...

sunday - well today i did get up early, as paul had offered to take us to crediton for mass - and so we went to crediton for mass - and also a parish meeting. got back and worked on my essay for a full five hours - only got 1,600 words done - but that is kindof good especially as it is all so technical - i will be continuing with it today. after i had a shower - manuel has fixed it you see - and i had to give it a trial run, and we all got ready for the house meal. we had drinks and nibbles in Karens flat - mmm, and then we went to ASK and had a lovely meal, and a lovely night, and just a great time in general. also very luckily we made it back in time, for catch up ER - mmm Carter...
will just like to say a big thank you to both Paul and Karen for a lovely night out....

and paul - i went to the gym this morning - just like i said i would...after eating yummy food last night - i felt like a needed a work out today - and work out i did - only 576 this time....

will go home and continue with essay writing now, and hoefully will be seeing chris tonight maybe - but its his turn to choose what we do...

oh - and i have just sent a draft to jeremy
zosh xx

ITS TURNING INTO A GOOD DAY...

well first and foremost - have just finished a kindof draft of my project - i say kindof draft cos i still have things like references and little bits like page-numbers and appendices to sort out, but a bulk of my draft is complete - am now just waiting to see if J thinks its ok to send it to him via an attachment - its a hefty mumma you see...

secondly - the D-A-T-E last night - i was stupidly nervous once again, but it was a good night. Chumleys was the loaction (i really dont see the difference in the refurbishment), 8:30pm was the time, Chris was the man. it was all very good. very realxed and we just chatted about lots of things...he does act like a bit of a spanner sometimes (like once he wanted to save time, and so tried to iron a shirt - when it was on him...never mind). but he is a very nice lad, and i am going to see him again cos we do get on really well, which is great...in fact time just flew by. Chris is a wrestler (not WWF style) and infact he is training for the national team - i was v impressed by this...

anyways, so that wasall very nice. am nw doing some seminar work, as i need a break from project stuff, and there is not much i can really do until J reads a draft of my project. i have worked on it for a sillly amount of time so i hope its kindof ok...

prayer group tonight - should be good - night infront of the telly for me though afterwards - i need a break!

zosh xx

YAY FOR ME!
so having spent a stupid amount of time on my project recently - i eat drink and sleep it, i am soooo close to giving in a draft of it. Did some reading for my discussion today - and found some articles with patients who did similar things to mine - all i have left is a conclusion and abstract - and then draft is given in - so hopefully will see Jeremy about that tomorrow. yesterday i did get a bit sick of project - so i went to essay. thsi i researched about two months ago - so re-read some of the articles and then went about trying to plan the thing - i have an introduction all planned out - and a conclusion all planned out - and there are two ways i can write the middel - i havnt decided which is the best yet.

in the last few days - i also did a confession with Paul, which was very good to have done. it makes me think about everything that i do, and the best ways for me to change and become a better person in myself, and a better person in that I can get closer to God

Tonight i have my date hopefully - still have to arrange where i am going and when, but it should happen - chris asked me yesterday if i still wanted to go, and i said if he still did, then i still did...so it should be interesting. i hope that i enjoy myself - dont worry lisa - i will keep YOU updated - you know that i tell you everything anyways...am missing you sweetie - send me a postcard from cyprus! i want some interesting post!

hope everyone reading is having a good, and if not good then a bearable break (thats u lisa...) and yay we have a house meal on sunday - i am very excited!

zosh x

THIS WORK LARK...
wow am really getting into this work lark - its all very exciting. yesterdays research had paid off somewhat, and i have made a headway into my discussion, with the help of a few cheeky emails to jeremy, saying i know that he cant help me with my discussion, but an indication of whether my idea is good or crap would be nice -and an indication was given - it was an ok idea...

yesterday i worked for ages - just reading over past discussions and new journal articles. i couldnt be bothered to cook a proper tea - i had beans on toast, and then watched telly with amy..

am in a lot of pain today - even my prescribed pain killers are not helping me - damn it. never mind - am quite excited about thursday...was supposed to go out with Chris yesterday, but he texted saying that when he said monday he forgot he was still going to be at home (what a spanner?!), and that he was arriving back tuesday/wednesday - so he wanted to make a date for thursday - and that is fine with me - i hope to have my discussion done by then - it will give me a treat to inspire me to get it done!

xxx

BUSY BUT BORED
so i have had a busy busy weekend. friday night i went to the prayer group, and then after eating my tea i went out with James, Rob and Mark, and we went to the Cathedral so James could do a panorama and then we went to a Park that had really cool swings and a really cool helta skelta in it, and we had lots of fun - but James always went higher then me on the swings...we then went back to James' - poor Rob had a blister cos his socks had a hole in and his foot rubbed - never mind - that should teach you boys. they started to watch a film, but i was too tired so off to bed i went.

saturday i completed all the results sections of my projects, wwas blown into town, and blown all the way back again. after working so hard i just collapsed onto the sofa and watched the last ever sex and teh city whiah was good but sad.

Sunday - this started with a Mass, which was nice, after which i settled down to my work. i went for a walk mid-afternoon to get some fresh air, and then did more work in the evening. i rang my mum and my gran to wish them a happy Mother's Day, but my nan is very poorly and so couldnt really speak. Chris texted me - Yay - he wants to take me out again which is very exciting, as we got on well on the last date - hopefully we will meet up soon. spoke to the rest of my family in the evening. both brothers were acting very stupid on the phone - never mind

today have worked on my seminar stuff in the morning, and have just conducted many hours of research for the discussion of my project - hopefully i have found some articles that will be of use to me, i have ideas but just need literature backing
hmm---hope other people are enjoying their holidays i hope to have a break sometime soon
please pray for my nan so that she gets better...
zosh x

GETTING THERE

today and yesterday i have been having my thinking cap on big time...and it worked a bit, in that some answers came, and my supervisor liked them...have just been in with J, and he has been very re-assuring, asking me if i was getting better, and telling me that i did have all the information there...he is a good chap. i talked over all of my results with him, and gave him some questions and he gave me some back, and then i was sent off to do some analysis, did that and talked and now i think i'm ok, but have always got email if i get confused again. so am kindof re-assured a bit now, and am starved and so i am going home...

so am feelin a bit better about it all now...am working hard to get it all together

end of term i upon us, am staying behind so that i can do some work and get my project done, and get some revision and an essay done maybe. hope everyone else is ok, and have a lovely easter...

zosh xx

STILL NOT SO GOOD...BUT HOPEFULLY IMPROVING....

well i sent my supervisor an email telling him all that had happened - that was hard, and i got a response today - he is not around till tomorrow, but is re-assuring me as best he can, and am going to see him tomorrow. this is good, because now my head is a bit clearer it will give me a chance as to think about what i am going to say. ideally i want to explain things how i see them, and then see if i am seeing things right (if you understand that then its a miracle). i always knew that he would help...

well yesterday i got back home exhausted and the sorted out the bar, and cleaned it up a bit, and then i was having chat to Paul, he was wanting me to shout at him, but i couldnt. Amy wanted to know the difference between affect and effect, i always guess these things, and wait until my computer tells me i am doing it wrong. had no energy to cook - so cheese on toast was tea....

i then rang my gran...this was not a good call. She has got Shingles, and told me quite frankly that she is in a lot of pain. normally my nan is a woman to ignore telling me such things. We are both worried that she will pass it onto my grandad, who has no immune system to fight off something like that. i got off the phone, and the tears flowed once more - lucky both amy and paul were on hand. i wish social services could do more to look after my grandad other than hoisting him in and out of bed four times a day, but they cant. so a BIG well infact HUGE plea - can we please pray for my nan and my grandad please...

Mass was a nice affair - we sang two irish hymns, and song to the trinity (which as the CD states, is set to a traditional irish tune...). Lisa and I were both pretty shit feeling to put it bluntly so Cathsoc (my last as V-P) was sorting out next term - we have some quite exciting events planned. James said Rachel would make someone a good wife someday due to her constant supplies of hot chocolate. I was only told i would make somebody a good wife when i offered to play the part of a donkey in a Bible story annimation....i have the feeling i was being mocked AGAIN last night - i really dont understand it....in fact it really is not just a feeling, its full blown knowledge that i was being mocked...

however, now is the time to mock James - he kindly offered to wash up all the glasses (hes a good egg is that James), but then he proceeded to leave the tap running too long, and ended up flooding the bar somewhat...and when realising takes a photo of it. But being the good egg he is, he did mop it all up. after James Lisa and I chatted for a while about I cant really remember what....Lisa and I were trying to convince him that hugging is a good thing - I am always up for a hug with somebody - i love hugs. Lisa slept at mine again....

so today i am ploughing on with project, putting in tables and graphs, and i am going to try and make sense out of something damn it - but if i do get panicky i am going to stop...

so please pray for my grandparents...and i am praying for Lisa too...

zosh xxx

NOT GOOD AT ALL

well yesterday was not good at all in the evening. i got home and sat through all my notes, and realised i had undertsood the total of nothing, absolutely nothing. i went over my introduction, i re-read through some journals, i went over my results tables, but nothing was going in. so i thought maybe i will take a break, and i made some food, but didnt really want to eat it cos i felt ill with woryy. i then went back to my work, and still no luck - i was clueless, and thats when it happened, a really huge long panic attack, that really exhuasted and upset me beyond belief - so i just went to bed crying. this morning has not been much better - i went to teh gym, and smashed my calorie record - 601! but when i got home and tried to look over my work, i had another attack, and so i am tyring to must up enough courage to tell my supervisor that i just dont understand what is going on.

it s just a bad day in general, i HATE myself for letting my work get on top of me like this, and the fact that i worry stupidly about everything....its also a bad day because on this day a year ago somebody in my family died and i cant believe it had been a year already.

happy st patrics day to any Irish reading...

BUSY BUSY BEE

sorry about the lack of blogging lately, been stupidly busy, but its been getting productive busy so thats handy...saturday i worked a hell of a lot of the day, writing up results sections of my projects,a nd just working hard in general...all of a sudden i get a message about free theatre tickets (thank you mark), and amy and i run up to the theatre and we watch the play (the Gondoliers) in which was james' housemate dan - it was very enjoyable - actually laughed out loud on many places - i had a great time - on the way back we stopped into the Ram for a cheeky pint (to quench my thirst), and then i was mocked all the way home...
sunday we had Mass which was nice - good singing by all i thought today, after we did have religiousy discussion in the bar and we ate some yummy yummy food. i hade been up early working and so energy levels were somewhat low,but excused myself from conversation and continued with my work... did seminar work followed by a bit of project work. home rang in the evening and so spoke to a variety of family members.

yesterday was my last day of data collection, and so have now got all the data i need from my patient. i the wrote up and was tartig up parts of my project, and then i decided to go home, and started to sort all my data. this was taking ages as i ahd loads to sort, so had a break for my tea, and then continued after until stupidly late in the night.

all this work however, has been made somewhat excitable by some texting of people, and the possibility of going out to meet people for drinks sometime this week - that is what i am very excited about.
today have worked on my seminar reading all morning, and as soon as i got, had barely even sat down and my supervisor (jeremy - he is a great man) nabbed me, and up to his office i went, and he was getting very excited about my results bless him, and was talking about all this stuff which was very confusing - i had to make a get away to go to my seminar, but after back up i went - to be told - GOOD WORK their Zosh, WELL DONE!! so i have come out feeling quite good, but also quite confused with what i am going to say....but i warned him i will be back armed with questions and clouded with confusion...as is the case generally really.

so that has been my last few days - quite unexciting, but productive nonetheless.

WHAT A GOOD GIRL I HAVE BEEN

yesterday after doing all my stats i was feeling grotty (well i know why - when taking the anti-depressants it disrupts your sleep patterns), and just generally feeling a bit low, and although i was supposed to discuss everything with my supervisor, i just sent him an email, telling him that i felt like poo, and went home. at home i just did some work and had some lunch and just worked some more. In the evening I watched ER - mmm Carter is back! the exciting thing was i just sat and looked at my stats and thought - didnt try to do any clever writing, i just thought, and i came up with this weird and wonderful theory, but did not hvae anything to write it on. so i had to go through it all again - with the help of talking it thorugh to Amy, and then i worte it down - something, form somewhere made it all go click.

today, i had planned to see jeremy and talk things over about PT's (my patients) data. but then i remembered that i was going to be testing him again. To my suprise jeremy agreed that i should have gone home yesterday (he is looking out for me now), and we have agreed to chat on monday - and by then i will ahve all of PT's data, and all the flower data and we acn get my analyses complete. it is all coming into place.

the other day i sent him a draft of everyrthing i had done so far, and he said that all the work was there it just had to be restrutured so it flowed better. so today i have spent a good three hours restructutring and changing and modifying and hopefully improving my introduction, under jeremy's guidance that he gave me...and now it should be done. this weekend i am now going to complete my method sections, and draft nout my results to speak to jeremy about them on monday.

so i have been working hard. the other guy that i wanted to see was not here/ is too busy, so i will be seeing him on monday too. i just wanted to see if i am going in the right direction for my essay.
tonight we have the prayer group at the chaplaincy. hopefully more people will come this week, and that we can do some more interactive things. I gave Paul an idea for something that he wanted to do - it is actually a re-working of one of his ideas that i threw back at him, but never mind.

anyway, back to the work i go...i am on a role now i think.
and once again - thank you all for understanding and helping me through everything, i am so lucky to have such loyal and supportive friends...

SO STATISTICS....

well once you have collected data, i believe the next best thing to do is analyse it, and that is what i have been doing over the last few days, and what joy i have. it has taken me some while to gte my head back into the whole stats lark because i have not had to use them at all this year, and although the stats desk ws busy yesterday (and not even in existence today), i have battled on, and done the analyses that i think i should do. I hope my supervisor is in so that i can check things with him...but i have some quite interesting results....some of my project has done what i set out to do! YAY!

so am back on the anti-depressants now - hopefully they will help me. thank you to people being supportive. yesterday at cathsoc we had a night of reconcilliation, and a service based around "Turn to me", a phrase that holds a lot of importance. We turn to God for him to help us and save us because there is no other like Him. We were asked to write all the things that we need to turn to God for on a bit of paper - my piece wasnt big enough - ooops, we then put that through a shredder, and the Paul set fire to it - and the smoke alarm didnt go off!

after i was seeing if anyone of the Cathsoc bunch could be classed a flower recognition expert...some people were close enough to be called an expert (well done Tessa), but frankly others were appauling - and i dont think that there is need to name and shame, they know who they are!
am very very tired though. couldnt sleep last night, and woke up this morning feeling ill, but never mind, its near the end of term now...

ALLS NOT SO WELL IN THE LAND OF ZOSH...

well its all far to hectic...the weekend was taken up sorting and analysing data, and how some people just do not recognise faces at all, and mess up my project. my flower experiment is now here, but now need to find people for it again..grr

my eczema is not eczema...in fact they dont know what it is, so have been give yet another cream that i have to pay for, not knowing if it is going to help me or not. and after crying in the doctors surgery for a long time going over all my problems, i am back on my anti-depressants. i know i havnt been myself for a bit, but i was just trying to balme it on other things, like my project, or the fact that it was my grandads birthday, when he wasnt supposed to have another birthday (as he was only given 24 hours to live in the summer), and for the fact that I couldnt for the life of me get the first line of the psalm that i was singing on sunday (infact I am very surprised that James did not blog that...), but no, it really is because iam still not better and however hard i am praying to ask God to help me get better, it si still not working yet.

am off to see my supervisor is a minute, but have been crying whilst writing this, so am all blotchy faced, and he has seen me already this morning, so it is not going to be good. am supposed to be doing my seminar reading now, but am just too tired to even contemplate that. I know that i need to learn some relaxation techniques, and not just work, until you fall into bed exausted, but i just find it so hard to relax, and it is getting me down.

sorry for the pooey blog today
x

really really bad headache

so no more data collection - just lots of analysing - lots of numbers-bad computer screens, thumping head-ache so am going home.

not much else has happened, have just been working hard - luckily the data of one experiment was analysed all correctly, now just have to do the other one - thats my weekends work

prayer group tonight, methang musical on staurday (so not to clash with prayer group), and mass on sunday - what a holy weekend.

sorry not much else to say - it huts my eytes to look at the screen to type damn headaches.

no-more old men...and thank goodness only 7 deadly sins

So yesterady i finally finished getting my 15 male participants for my project! A big yay - i am proper chuffed about ti all, and i hope that my supervisor is impressed. It was all very tring, and i never want to see a blurred or scrambled face again really, but never mind - i will ahve to when writing up the damn thing and analyzing all my data!

in the evening, paul did my project and it drove him barmy, and then Karen and Paul tried to teach me a new hymn for sunday, but in the end sundays hymns were all changed due to the absence of some people. mass was raelyl good - we sang two beautiful hymns, Well I sang two hymns - You know me was me on m yown, scary but i can get into it, and according to James i only got one note wrong at the end - sorry James, but you have such high standards.

after mass we had tis guy called Peter Cox come and talk at us about the seven deadly sins, and this went on and on and on...luckily we had a bar break and a loo break so we could move and breathe, Lisa was thinking about an escape - but never did in the end. Found the best use for cushions, my ophone was so busy last night - so many texts were coming my way...james was unsure as to why the cushions were needed, he soon cottoned on however...at the end of the talk, everyone i can safely say was probably numbed...i was. i really did not find the talk inspiring, and i think tessa summed it up when she saud "isnt i lucky that there are only seven deadly sins".

after lisa and i went back to james' with james, and i was mocked for getting wuthering heights, and watership down confused (its all about the W), and then i got robocop and terminator confused (its all rubbish!). i do bring it on myself, but i cant help being a bit dappy. Lisa stayed at mine cos it was too late for her to go abck on her own....and when we awoke this morning, thinking it was safe to go to breakfast in my PJ's, we walk in and we find paul and the other priest in the kitchen. paul i didnt eally mind, but Peter was just eating and drinking tea till the cows came home. i have to put some of my satsumas into amy's side of the fridge - he thought it was fine to help himself to our food.... i wonder if anything else has gone missing.

have just had a meetimg with my supervisor, and i now have to find my way to tabulate all my data, am sure that it wil be fine, it will just be time consuming...
so am off back home to do it now.

just one more plea - can we all pray for my grandad - it is his birthday today. he is extremely poorly, and probably ownt even understand what a birthday is, but no-body ever thought he would live till this time, after the dreadful summer that we had, so can we all pray for him, on his special day, and hope that he is not in pain, and knows that I love him sooooo much. if you can all do that for me, I will much appreciate it.

xxx

more old men, church halls, and technical hitches (with young men in-between)

well my so called life has been taken up with visiting old men in their houses, showing them a stupid amount of faces, giving them a packet of worthers originals, and then onto the next...

apart from today, where the kind people of crediton agreed to do my study, so i went with paul, to church, and then after the men did my study, although my computer crashed on the man that had been waiting the longest, and all his data was lost...but Paul - a big thank you for the people of crediton goes out from me, for their help and their patience..they are all good eggs.

last night i met someone for a drink that i had met at the lemmy - it was a good night, we chatted all the time, although i was very scared and nervous so probably didnt put on much of a good show, but never mind -will see what happens

xxx

old men...and muddy fields..

lots has happened., but i dont have much time to write so i have to be quick...i have been studying old men for my project and it has been a nightmare...yesterday i ended up doing laps of exeter and walking for about 7 hours, carrying a computer that just got heavier by the minute....we decided to take a short-cut at one point across a seemigly harmless field, but it turned out to be very muddy and slippery, andf i ended up on my arse in the mud - a great look for my next participant. the old men were generally friendly - one very grumpy man - but we were only offered one cup of tea (i doint drink tea, but its the pricoiple of it...) got back home at 7 - very tired and could hardly move...
and have a similar day today.

weekend was busy - saturday we had the enneagram - i truned out to be a helper in the Heart sectre - it was scarily like me, especially in the how i need to pray section..it was almost exactly what i had written about the Dave Wells talk - go back and read it if you want to....i think that you should....

sunday i went to crediton with paul, and sopme very nice old men have offered to do my study for me...so very helpful...father friend did my study - he has a very nice house, and then i work all afternoon. didnt go to double locks (nor did the otehrs oin the end...), but lisa texted me some stuff that was quite scary...hey lisa - its ok...it will all be fine.

so i could elaborate more, but i dont really have time, as old men are calling me.
if you see me on my laps of exeter, be sure to say hello - it will make my day - no really it really will.