Well, it has been a hard christmas so far as i predicted. On Christmas eve itself, I had to do half a days work, which i thoguht sucked as Polish people think that this day is the most important of the festival. In the evening, as is tradition we went to our ans for something called Wigilia, which is the evening, and we eat 12 different dishes (we fast for the rest of the day). now my grandad was no up for anything - he ahsnt been for ages, he looked quite bas actually, and we ended up hoisting him to bed, and then the carers came to change and clean him later. My nan was crying, then her brother who lives in Canada rang, and she was so upset. I was so tearful it was untrue - i went to hide, but my nan found me...we had a cry together - my mum then found me, and asked what was wrong...the thing is, i have found this week so hard, and its been one of the first weeks, where i have actually held my anti-d's in my hand with the intention of taking them again...i havnt yet - i have been string in that way, but weak in the way that I have been wanting to take the,...anyways, after we went to midnight mass, which is always a beautiful thing to do at christmas.

christmas day was a quiet affair in my house, as there were only four of us,m as one bro is spneding the christmas with his girlfriend and her family (the brother who is NOT getting married just yet ironically!) so i went to my nans to see how she was, and then went for a walk with my mum, and then we had christmas lucnh. after i was knackered, having done a 40 hour working week, getting up early and going to bed late, and so just kindof reaxed in the evening.

Today I have gotton up to go to church, and then went for a looooong walk....then my mum and i went to my nans, my grandad was asleep a lot of the time, the carers came to wake him up, and clean and change him, and hoist him into his chair, where we then fed him a cup of coffee (yes we feed him coffee with thickener, cos he cant swallow any other way cos he will choke - no swallowing reflex), and then we came home...am now just chilling am very tired, and just not feeling myself...or maybe this is myself and i am still ill - i just dont know anymore, but whatever it is, I am not happy, always feeling tearful, and just feel extremely alone.

Merry Christmas everyone, and may all your dreams come true in the new year

have just been called to diner as soon as i start to blog - bloody typical...will try again later

Today is the downest i have felt for a long time...its that time of the year really - when you see so many perfect things, and realise that things are not going well for you. I dont know, maybe its because I have got yet another cold, and am feeling really under the weather and I cant take time off work cos i need all the hours and money I can get, but there is a whole lot of other things on my mind, and its hard. Its been twelve weeks since i last took an anti-depressant and today I have come so close to taking one its untrue -thats how bad i am feeling.

I dunno - i guess its cos i am lonely. I am hearing that so many of my friends are in happy relationships, and dont get me wrong i am happy for them, but it really does just make me feel that there is something so incredibly wrong with me. Family isnt helping - making little comments at every opportunity thinking its funny, when really it is making me feel so upset. it just seems to me that as soon as something seems like it is going ok, something else happens and i am back at square one, taken a huge fall, and i am fed up of it. people always ask me what my greatest fear is, and really its growing old alone, and being unloved - thats a very scary thing.

my grandad is still so so ill. I saw him yesterday after not seeing him for two weeks, and everytime i see him he looks more vacant, more ghost like, its so horrid. my mum today said he was coughing, and just wouldnt stop, and that her and my nan were so scared that they just didnt know what to do. Now a cough may seem like nothing, but its bound to be a chest infection, or pneumonia or something and thats not great, and i just have this fear in the back of my mind, that something bad is going to happen someday soon, and its nit going away, and it upsetting me loads.

so put those two things together, and its one big mess. i hate colds, i feel really miserable, and just want to cry.

sorry guys - its not been the bets of days for me today...have no christmas spirit just yet - i think its going to be a hard christmas infact.

eek!
this week i did enough working hours to make up a whole working week(and more), in four days - granted i never left the office before 6:15 and was in before nine, but it is doable...why? i hear you all cry...well tomorrow i am taking a day off for my tearfund induction (will get to that in a mo), and the second reason is so that i can take the time off inbetween christmas and new year!

so tomorrow i have my tearfund induction - well its a whole weekend thing - i get to meet my team - yay! i hope that they like me....i will be upset if they dont...i hope we all get on well...i have to travel to the centre in the afternoon - in the morning i hope to get my haircut, and pack my clothes...so i am excited and scared - but they will like me wont they?

anyways apart from that, have just been working stupidly hard so that i can earn the money that will be taking me on thsi great adventure....it is getting so close now....

and ella - when you go down to exeter - i will be able to come then too - so iwill get to see you before i go...

and amy if you read this - i havnt heard from you in ages, i do hope that you are well and happy and that everything is fine and dandy with you...i miss you sweetheart, and keep in touch so that i know that you are ok.

and to everyone else, i hope taht end of term has not been too hectic, and that i will see you all when i descend upon exeter one more time!

love me
xxx

well tonight thank God its them instead of you...

yesterday the making of band aid 20 was on the telly - it was too late for me as i have to get up early in the morning, so i taped it and have just watched it, and i wsa in tears. It pains me so much that in this world where on one extreme we have people eating too much that they are obese and that they will die because they areso overwieght, yet at the same time people sre dying because they dot have enough to eat...seriously, this problem is insane, 20 years ago this wa shighlighted to us with live aid - i dont remember this at all - i was 1, but still 20 years later the problem still exists - and to out it bluntly - its fucking awful. I hope that people buy the band aid single - i am going to buy it - so i get that - its cheaper than a glass of wine in the bar near where i work, and yet it could save someone from dying - now that is something to make you think. next time you're in a pub and buying a drink, just think what that could bring to a starving child...

i am sorry to rant but the state of this world is truly awful. God gives us something fantastic - he gives us life, and a beautiful place to live in, yet we destroy it, and we destroy the lives of others. there are many places in the Bible where we are reminded to help the poor, and those less fortunate then ourselves, and this time of advent and preparation and thought and change, maybe now is the time to see what we can do....

i had to get that off my chest, so i know in 20 years time, when i have my family, they will say to me - so mummy did you do anything to help - i can safely say that i did. I am scared that when i go to Africa, and see some things first hand it is going to really hurt - so guys, prayers please. lets pray that governments realise just what they are doing to their countries, lets pray that there will be an end to famine, drought, war and destruction, and lets pray that we can all do the best that we can to help those who really and truly need it.

thanks

a wohooooooooo!

i am in exeter! and i am feeling very strange being sat here in the library (students these days actually do go to lectures!), i feel as if i am a bit of an intruder, but its good to be down....you see i had 25 hours of flexi-time to use up, and even now, i will only be using about 12 of them....but its all good, it will mean i can take time off at christmas....i keep on bumping into people i know, and they are all like - what are you doing here? - which is quite funny - and many have remarked on my new blondness (do they really have mroe fun!)...but charlie is keeping me informed of all the goings on at owrk which is good - got to kepe up on that office gossip!

i hope that everyone else is ok - i am needing this break like anything - i even got to lie in till 9:30 this morning, thats three more hours than normal - and even then it was a bit of a struggle to get up - oh never mind...i cant complain....

meet my tearfund people in a fortnight so that should be interesting...i am very much looking forward to putting names to faces....but on a more serious note, in lesotho where 40% of the population are suffering from AIDS/HIV, i think that this just highlights the gravity of the situation that people there are faced with...and a reasib why i am going out there to help...so although its fun at the moment, there is a deeply important reason to this trip that people have to realise...

anyways, apart from that, will just do some research for my mphil now i have access to the library computers (thanks Lis!)

hope to see the exeter people that read this aound sometime...

zosh
xxx

sorry

it appears that i have not blogged for a long itme....there is reason for this (well kind of). last week i had to give up denying the existence of a hoorid cold, as i had got one full and proper...so bad that when i had picked up the phone i was told i sounded awful, and when i put the mediator through to my boss she apparently told my boss to send me home - she didnt though, and there was a slight phone ban for a while - so instead i got to design the inside of our divisions christmas cards, and stick them in the cards! so i was ill, and i hate being ill.

being ill meant that i could not visit my babcia for a week. i didnt want to pass any germs to my grandad, because that would have been truly awful...anyways, i saw them this weekend just gone. my grandad was a sleep all the time, and when he was awake he bears a kindof blank expression - confusion, and his eyes are all glazed..its sad. i go in all jolly, and give him a big hello and a big kiss - he has no idea who i am - he hasnt for about 5-6 years - thats something hard to come to terms with. one thing that is keeping me going, and one thing that so many people have said to me is that God obviously has a plan, and he is watching me, and telling me to keep on going with it all, but man is it hard sometimes.

have been emailing my lesotho people loads, and they all sound lovely - i get to meet them all in three weeks time at my induction weekend and that will be so exciting - when i have muy medical done, then my true fundraising will begin - so watch out, some full on begging will be done!

also been doing some research for my proposal for my Mphil - have finally had a response from a certain uni which i am very interested in...but am keeping a bit quiet as to what i am doing exactly, as it is a hard course to get on, and i dont want abig slp in the face

work has been busy but enjoyable, i do have a laugh there even though i work exetremely hard...the people (well most of them) are great, and i love the flexi-time aspect of it all...its this that is allowing me to go to Exeter for my long weekend, and hopefully this that will allow me to take the time off between christmas and new year - i have 22 hours 20 mins at the mo, some of that will be used by the end of the week, but then i have time to make it all up again!

thats enough from me for now - good luck Lis - if they cant see your desire and want to be a teacher at your interview tomorrow - then all the fool them!

zosh
ps - eight weeks and no anti-deppressant - result for me! thats the longest it has been in a long time - i have been tempted, but i have managed without - a wohoo!

hello

I have spent the last four days desperately trying to deny the existence of colds (colds are for week people i say), but having being told by countless family mediators and solicitors as to how awful i sounded on the phone (after my doing the usual, good morning/afternoon, children and family services, zosia spekaing, how may i help you?), and coughing through it, i really dont think i can deny it anymore. unfortunatly i feel i have caught a cold, and it does well and truly sux, as it makes a tiring week, even more tiring - i feel i have worke four days already, and i have only worked two - never mind - i think today will be the worst - so it can only get bet - thankfully we have a chemist next door to the commission - i was greatful anyways!

other than that nothing much has happend, have been hearing from my lesotho people which is always exciting, and have been wanting to sleep, but not been able to!....my flexi-time is now lookng very healthy indeed - and i am looking forward to my long weekend that i have booked off - i hope you guys that we can do some fun stuff - and i will need some cheap drinking!

see you all soon
hope you're all weel and good

love and coughs
zosh xx

hello blog

what a week - work has been manic, its had its ups and downs....charlie the poor girl has had a touhg week - but we get to have her in the office till christmas - a wohoo! pity she has been banned from talking to me in the office - thats ok - we have just abused the email sustem, and take very well timed loo breaks! (we've done nothing worng at all - dont get me wrong - its just theres been a bit of a personality clash and some people want to make it difficult for poor charlie)

grandad is out of hospital - thank you for your prayers - howeer he is still poorly - he sleeps for the vast majority of the day, and just is still very ill. if it were me, i would not have let him out of hospital, as things arent really very good, but the way the health system is, there are not enough beds - etc etc etc, and so off home he went - its strabge how sytrong he can battle, from 24 hours to live, to being let out of hospital - too much for my little head to take in.

i had my first panic attck in 2 1/2 months today - the events and stress of the last few weeks ahve finally caught up with my body, and my body just doesnt like it too much - unsurprisingly...so i took a beta blocker 0 and i have not had to take one of those in aaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssss, but still no a-d for 6 1/2 weeks, and that i think is bloody week, after the fortnight that i have just had!

and lastly i know my lesotho team - we got each others emails in the week, and we have started emailing each other getting to know each other - and everyone seems lovely, and so i think it will be a very exciting time.

and now i mean lastly am going wedding dress fitting with dav in london tomorrow - i can see a very long day ahead - eek!

zosh x

blunt

well, as many of you know over the last yera i ahve had a lot on my plate...illness, depression, thoughts of ending it all, being dumped, finals, leaving uni....ive had it hard - i know people have it harder, but its fair to say that i have had it hard.

over the last few dys, i feel like i have been to hell and back...at the weekend my grandad was dying...there seemed as if there was no hope...now all of a sudden he has made a recovery...i swear dementia has to be the biggest head messer i have ever come across. this has worn me out emotionally and physically, and i just dont know what to think any more. obviously its great that he is still alive, but really the quality of life is so poor its untrue....i just dnt know what to think...sometimes (now i dont want anyone to think that i am being horrid here, as it is so hard for me to say this), but sometimes i wish that it was over...then i know my grandad wont be in any pain and sufferring, and his life will be much better...but then when i think like this i hate myself,a s i know it will lead to the demise of my nan. you see how it plays with your head. its horrid, and nasty, and i hate myself for having such thoughts, like you would not believe....oh i feel messed up by it all. hence the roller coaster of emotions people experienced at the weekend with me, and i am so sorry for that.

other than that, work has been veru hectic this week - had an internal relaunch of our department - children and family division at the legal services commission (a not for profit government organisation - dont you know), and i always have a hell of a lot of work at the beginning of the month, as i have to process many mnay payments.

sorry for the eekness of my blog as of late - gives you an insight into the life of me - lucky you're just reading it then hey?

Blunt

I really want to be quite blunt about the way i feel about things, and so this might be a hard read for some people, but believe you me, you're not the people that have to live with my thoughts...you're very lucky.

obviously my grandad has been very ill recently - almost at death's door that it was frightening, and i hated it...but now, well tonight he will be having his last dose of anti-biotics as they say that he is recovering. now, i am so confused...this illness is one of the biggest head messers i have ever come across - more then the way that i have been treated by some people...its just the most confusing most dreadful thing ever. i just dont know where i stand, at some points i am told that he isnt going to survive the weekend and now there is talk of him returning home. Now dont get me worng, it is great that he has not died, but at the same time, he is not going to be the same as he was before...he is going to be weaker and less capable fodoing stuff, and his quality of life is alomost going to be in-existence. now is this fair? its so hard for him and the family. we are just so yp and down in our emotions - really i just dint know whether i should laugh/cry, be happy/sad...i just dnt know what to think or feel anymore its untrue. its such a horrid horrid illness. it snot fair? everyone has been so nice and helpful, and lovely, putting up with my mixed up head, my mixed up emotions, but then i feel guilty for putting this on everyone to take...i am so sorry guys.

i just have so many thoughts zooming around my head, it is sometimes so hard for me to think logically abut what is going on...nobody knows how or when this dreadful....bloody awful disease ends, and i just cant cope with this uncertainty. everytime a phone rings i get scared about what news i hear on the other side...on the train home, i wonder what news i am going to arrive home to...its a fucking awful way to be living a life, and i am fed up of it.....no-ones to blame...its just too hard to take, that sometimes i feel like i just cant continue when its like this all the time..

i know shit happens, and life goes on...but really soemtimes shit can happen too much in too short a space of time for it to be at all healthy.

sorry if that has confused/annoyed/upset/hurt anyone

thank you

i will blog about u-nite another time, but i just want to say prayers must be working as today my grandad came off his drip...he is still being pumped with anti-biotics and has a bit of a temperature but it is good he is not on his drip anymore....we will just have to keep on going...

was pushed off a train yesterday by an angry woman, landed on all fours on blackfriars platform - ow.

zosh
x

URGENT.

i dont know why, but when i got back late from work today i found out that my grandad was in hospital....so can he have your thoughts please...
as i said i dont have any more info...but it kindof sux enough that he's in there

hell at work....

man, its been a hard few days at work - too much of it - my boss set me work - thats supposed to be my priority - bless Fernando, but when five other divison members come up to me practically in tears with urgent deadlines - how am i supposed to refuse to help them? no i am the one with urgent deadlines - and who do i go to? never mind...

i read my emails - and this cheered me up no end:

Hi Zosia
Just to let you know that we prayed for you today in our team prayer time, as you prepare for your overnight prayer vigil at Exeter uni. As you didn't mention a date, it may well be that you have already been and gone, but God knows anyway, and we do trust you are blessed by the whole thing! Let us know how it went.
blessings
Jan

this is from the person who emailed me for Tearfund...so UNITE people, we have extra prayers for what we are doing - always good to know i think! that was a lovely surprise and has cheered me up no end. tomorrow i meet up with caz from uni for a drink in petts wood, and do the work that i promised fernando i would do...and then its just a day before exeter! awohoo! and i have already packed some photos that i have, of me looking silly at my graduation!

grandad is still very very ill - he will never get better - prayers to limit his pain and suffering are well and truly needed....

zosh xxx

13,830

That is the number of steps that i have talen today so far (not including obv as its not steps, the 25 mins i did on the cylse bike)...you see my pedometer from the bbc has finally arrived to help me in my big fat challenge.

am feeling miserable. i visited my nan today...i hadnt sen my grandad for an age - he has gone so downhill. he doesnt even speak, move, look - he just lies. my gran gave me the horrid task of searching the net for information on the prognosis of multi-infarct dementia. basically multi-infarct is a form of dementia that occurs when the brain does not receive enough oxygen while the individual suffers a series of small strokes. it has many symptoms including confusion, memory loss, lack of social skills, night time confusion etc. now, this means that the individual will decrease in a step-wise manner, and so people may not pick up on the problem until it is far too late. what makes multi-infarct dementia, well any demenatia hard is that no-body knows or understands how it is going to effect a certain individual, and what part of the brain is going to be effected (as different brain lobes have different functions, and studies are now beginning to show that phrenology may have been correct indeed as different areas of these lobes may have very specific functions). anyhows, i digress. i was asked to find out what the future may be for my grandad as it doesnt seem like we are to have a long future, and so i have been reading pages and pages about multi-infarct. and i am upset as basically, everything that they have warned us to expect, we are already exepriencing ... and more. and i have he job of telling my nan that the worst exepected has already happened, and so we are now entering/or some may say continuing with the great unknown. it is so so sad. there is absoultely sod all to be done, and we just sit and wait, and watch my poor grandad deteriorate further infront of us, and we are just helpless. it makes me feel physically sick.

sorry for the very blue nature of this entry, and the mini-psychology lecture that you have just received - thats the nature of my home life at the moment...sux really doesnt it?

+51

ths was a good sight this evening - +51...i have finally got myself into positive time from the time off ive had in exeter - it has taken its time and i have worked my guts out doing 42+ hours a week, but its finally in the positive, and i can start building it up so i can take a few days off again.

am quite subdued today. my nan has been very very tearful recently. she keeps on saying to my mum that i am going away for such a long time, and to such a far destination and how she is sad about it. yes that makes me feel guilty, but i know that i cannot put my life on hold. i will miss her truly - ANYONE who knows me just knows how much love i have for my nnan, and the isnspiration that she gives me. she has also been saying that she is selfish, keeping my grandad alive...she is scared. we all know if he goes ito hospital he wont come out, and that is frightening for all of us, but 100000 time more for my nan - theyve been married for 54 years, and the love she has for him is untrue, and so i can undertande why she is scared...it just upsets me when i hear she has been syaing these things. its heart wrenching.

another thing, this time of the year is pretty hard for me, as i am trying to forget some stuff that occurred around this time, but its just oh so very hard, and its getting me down. i have come on in leaps and bounds, but it is still hard for me to forget just how low i was. its hard - but a month off the anti-ds and i am still coping - just, but i am doing it, and not having nasty withdrawal symptoms either

lastly, am starting to prepare for my postgrad studies...its all very hard - but i am going to do a research degree as ths gives me more flexibility in what i can study and focus upon, i just need to find the funding and the institution that i want to study at.

see all you ex people next week

lots of good news

where do i begin? lots of good news -

1 - i am returning to exeter be it for a short period of time - i am going own for U-Nite (2)...and i dont have to take time off work! i go after work (well i leave an hour early, but i make that up in the week easy), and leave on sunday morning, but most importantly, i get there. unfortunately its not for longer but hey you cant win them all. and sorry that i miss seeing you ella...another time maybe?!

2 - i got my tearfund placement - this means that next year I got to Lesotho for four months from March - July. i leave home on the 5th of march, have three days orientation with my team, and then we fly out as a team and start our work!

3 - i put into my account three pay cheques today

4 - michael owen scored a goal for england

5 - did another 42 hour week at work, but had a bit of a laugh doing it.

so, there it is - but i really missed the important one - i have not taken an anti-depressant for three weeks now - thats THREE weeks, the longest i have managed without them!

but as always there is some sad news, my grandad has gone further down hill so prayers for him are much required. it really is not looking that good at all, and that is always a bad sign. i have not been allowed to see my nan for a few weeks now, due to infections and rashes that my grandad has had that could get passed on, and his immune system is down, so things get passed on and carried easily.

stay well everyone

busy busy busy

oh man...i have been so hectic this week it has been untrue. work has been manic, there have been a few cock ups in the office, and that just doesnt help anything, and has made things a hell of a lot worse. i can finally see my desk again, the work just mounts up its untrue. yesterday was a bad day - didnt leave till 6 in the evening, worked since 8:45 - was bad day, so charlotte and i went for a drink after work - as i had missed her b-day last week, and we hadnt had a chance to chat about things for a while - and we are girls, we had a lot to talk about - it was very pleasant. i am quite tired. i do enjoy my work loads, but its all been hectic...but what is good, is that i have already worked 33 hours this week, and still have a potential 8 1/2 tom, so that will mean a good few pounds earnt!

also had probelms with tearfund, in that they hadnt receieved one of my references - it has been lost in the ppst - but its ok - that is all sorted - Mme B wrote me a blinding reference - i didnt even know it was about me...so fingers crossed and prayers please!
sorry people in Exeter - cant come down for a long time - have to kake up A LOT of flexi time...but UNITE sounds absoultely fab. james i would have loved to see you and Ella, but if you read on there's another reason for me to be around here for bit...

one last plea - my grandad is very very poorly indeed. he should be in hospital, but the carers and district nurses know that if he goes in there he will not come out again, and so are doing everything in their power to keep him at home, but its not looking good at all. please can we pray to help him, but also maybe more importantly can we please pray for my babcia, who is so tearful all the time, and is really dreading the thought of losing my grandad. its very hard on all of us, but my babcia has had it the worst. its not looking good, but i cant do anything about it anymore. we have already been blessed with a year we thought that we would never have, and we pray for every other minute now.

wow....

what a hectic few weeks i have had. the week before last i did a really long working week, so i could build up as much flexitime as i could so i had some time off and money to play with when i was in Exeter - this meant getting in early, and on some occassions leving at 6:20 after having done a nine hour day....so by the time i got into Exeter on Friday night i was very very tired.

last saturday i tried my best to treat Lisa like a queen as it was her 21st birthday - we did many things, we drank, went to the beach, we drank, went to timepiece bar, we drank...and made it to the chaplaincy the next day - and i didnt have a hangover! being back at the chapliancy was just great - even though it wsant that busy as term had not really started, it was just lovely being back in such a friendly atmosphere...walking back to james' with rob - we encountered a very drunk girl - luckily she was going our way - i was quite worried about her - but she got back safely.

monday was a me afternoon really - i had spent the night half on the coach at James' house, and when mark had gone to work i used his bed...and didnt emereg till late. i went into town, onto campus, and then the chaplians recepetion which was well turned out i thought... back to James' i went, and James actually returned to exeter! i left very late and crept back into Lisas house.

Tuesday i went out with James, and did a but of history...in the afternoon we had the chaplaincy cream teas...in the evening we went to Cowley - oh how i loved cowley...mark was ill in the back garden - i am usually ill after looking after ill people, today i wasnt.

wednesday - my last day - i went to campus and met some people - including Rach! went to james' and the walked to Lisa's had a few drinks, and then got 14 pizzas and 8 paclets of gralic bread for the pizza and vid night at the chaplaincy. i then went ot help out at the cream teas, and after stayed to help get the chaplacniy ready - the new housemates there seem lovely. i cooked a stupid amount of pizza and garlic bread, but it all went down well. as the vid was being watched i cleaned up the kitchen and then went to pray in the chapel...as i had missed the whole first chink of the vid i was never going to get into it, but it didnt matter, i was quite content in my own thoughts. said tara to everyone, and then made my way to James' for a drink and a chat, then once again crept back into Lisas.

thursday, i made my way home, the coach to vcitoria was fine - i had a wee wait in victoria stations, and then finally got the train back home, and wlaked up the road to be let into my house by my bro....

friday i was back at work. i had been informed that the office was quiet without me - charlotte said that she was gutted that i had missed her birthday - i am sure we will make up for that another time, but there have been a few horrors! I am being moved ot the sensible end of the office, in our office reshuffle - charlotte and i will no longer be able to raid each others desk, and speak in our whispered tones...as she stated "bring on the email", but at least this will mean i have a phine on ym desk - hell yeah! but while i was away a stationary thief had been at large - my stapler had gone a walkies, and my scissors! i worked through the to do list left by my boss, and the piles of stuff on my desk, and they still werent there - luckily my foot rest still existed! anyways, it wsa nice being back at work, and everyone was saying how nice it wsa for me to be back in the office, which is always nice to here, but most importantly, i have now caught up with the offic egoss, and in the office move - i get placed next to somebody else with whom i may wnjoy being seated next to!

today i have been very sleepy - but hey its the weekened and i have loads of sleep to catch up on. i am going to the sung mass in the morning, which means that i will miss the visit to the cemetry, as it is the sixth anniversary of my babcias death on monday - prayers will be very welcome for the family, its a tough time. i cant go and visit my other babcia, as there is some horrid skin rash going around, and its being passed onto carers and other patienrs and what not, its what my grandad really needs isnt it? he has not been the same since his last chest infection, and he may have had another stroke last week as my nan says he has gone very downhill again, so prayers for him also please - he is never out of my thoughts.

one last call for prayers - i still have not heard from Tearfund, so please can we pray that i hear from them soon and that the news will be positive as i just want to go so much

thank you all

today...

today was my interview with Tearfund, the Christian organisation that i hope to go travelling to Lesotho with. There message is "Don't become so well asjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention to God. You'll be changed from the inside out" (The Message, Romans 12).

I got to the station, and saw another girl with the map, so we made our way to the church together, where i met an abbundance of people and we all talked and introduced ourselves. There were presentations about the charity, and then we basically had to wait to be interviewed. i was second to last, and so was getting quite nervous. My interview was quite hard. the thing was my interviewer was trying to make me think about what the worst case scenario for me to be in was...and that was the fact that I was a Catholic, and there may be a problem with the fact that i would not be partaking in the Whole service (in that i wouldnt have communion), and that some people may have a problem with that - and how that would make me feel. I said that truthfully I would be upset by that, because we all worship the same God, read the same Bible, and read that Jesus loves us all, not even looking at race/language/sex...and so if we are following his examples, which as Christians we should be doing, than this should not be an issue. All the other people that i spoke to really didnt have a problem with it at all. Can i please ask for prayers that I get my placement because after today and meeting so many lovely people, i really and truly would love to have this opportunity.

other than that, i am getting on with my job - am actually enjoying it loads, and have made some lovely friends....and cant wait to see everyone else back down in Exeter this time next week.

love zosh xx

well, its a normal day at work, when you leave the office building and you bump into Sit Trev (Mc Donald, that is), coming out of the local pharmacy - yes indeed that is what happened to me today...the itv studios are opposite! so that was exciting. my new best friend in the office is the fax machine - i had to send billins and millions of faxs today, and Charlotte kept on paying me stupid compliments - cos she was "in that mood", bless her cottons...and we had an office chat about nits...as you do

you see i leave work in a kindof good mood, and step indoors and everything comes rushing back...can we have prayers for my grandad please - he has got a really bad chest infection, breathing is even harder for him, and it is making it much harder for him to swallow, meaning that choking is of higher risk...so can we pray that he gets better as soon as possible to help all of us - including my babcia.

i hope everyone is well...i might have an interview with tearfund on saturday - can we also pray for me (big headed i know) to hope that my application goes forward well

zosh xxx

well...

so i havnt blogged for a long time...and there have been a few reasons why. i tried to stop my anti-depressants again cos i just wanted to see how long i could go on without them - -that was not the best of ideas really...i didnt really work. i tried to make out that i was ok and that nothing was bothering me that much, but really i was hurting so much inside and retreating, and just trying to block it all out, and not face any of the problems that i have - which is the wrong way to go about it all. doing that actually just highlighted all the things that i think are so wrong with me, and the way that my life is going at the mo that it made me feel worse...so back on them i am again...plus i was getting really bad symotms and work was really hard.

work is ok - i have been there for two weeks now, and have made friends with people on my floor. i went out with some of them on monday (two of my mates had been dumped), and we all drunk through our problems - not a particularly good idea i know - it wasnt a pleasant evening. but have made a lovely friend in charlotte, who sits next to me and makes me chuckle..she realised i havnt been that happy recently and sat me down, and did the whole talk that i have been through with many peopel....but it is hard for me. i have tried to do what some people have suggested in that i write a list of what i dont lime about myself, and then improve on them one by one, but the list was getting too long, and some things i doubt i will ever be able to change - so that failed.

but to end this entry on a light note - if you have read dear James' blog you will have read the good and very exciting news! Congratulations James and Ella, you are two lovely people and special friends, and i know that you will be very happy together. I am very chuffed for you both.

its quite sad - i openly admit it when telly makes you cry - but i have just watched Eastenders, and dots cancer thing has really hit home...the ending was lucky for dot, but for so many its not that lucky, and that just reminded me of my gran, who died six years ago, and its just so upsetting. you then think about all the other illnesses that just cannot be treated - my grandad who is bed bound suffering so badly with multi-infarct dementia...it hurts me so much to see him lying there, when i know he knows nothing of what is going on around him. and then i think of all those innocent children who lost their lives today over stupid bloody wars that dont have to happen...the world is full of nasty illnesses that disable and slowly kill people in terrrible terrible ways, and then you get mindless idiots (to put it politely) who go and kill people who have their whole lives ahead of them, and the only decision they made that day was to go to school - somewhere that should be safe for them to go. seriously whre is the world going? people threatening live executions, rape, war, violence...is there no end to this suffering?

you can tell that i am having one of those days...i have just got so much on my mind it is untrue. i am scared that now i have left uni, everyone that i have left behind there is going to forget about me, or lose contact with me, or not see me as a friend anymore. especially as all my close friends are still there being able to spend time with each other, in each others company, and i am so far away. i am scared that i am just not getting better at all. that i still really and truly depend upon my anti-depressants. i have really tried to stop taking them, but it didnt work, and the doctor suggested that i continue with my dose. i am scared that i am just not coping. and i am scared that i am still on my own.

i went for a drink after work with my work mate charlotte, and it was just such a good conversation. I have known this girl for a week, and yet we feel like we can tell each other everything. she cheers me up at work, i cheer her up. she has had a tough life too, and i pray for her, as she had a particularly hard day today, and i could not do anything to help.

and also i pray for some very special people. they should know who they are right now. one makes me laugh like nobody else, and i thank them for the help they gave me at uni, and that we remain good friends. the other i am proud of like you wouldnt believe, the strenghth and the inspiration, and total love i get was crazy, and you really and truly deserve all that you get in the future.

i just hope that every day that goes past we can be thankful that we are alive, and have people around us to look out for us.

working girl...

well yesterday and today were my first days at my job - i am working for the legal services commission in the family and children department...what the commission does is it pays for the fees of solicitors when the people in question cannot pay themselevs, and my department are to do with cases involving child abuse/domestic violence/and anything regarding distruption in fmaily life. I am an administrators assisstant - not a glamorous job, but all the earnings that I get will be going towards my travel, which i am getting closer and closer to organise...i havnt had to do anything much yet as i have been shadowing the person whose job i am taking over, so i am still a bit uncertain as to the role that i take..but we had a team lunch today, and i was talking to other people in the department and they all seem very friendly and have told me not to worry, and my boss Fernando is willing to help me...well everyone really...so we will wait and see how it goes. the worst thing about the job so far was on thursday morning when i got my monthly ticket to London, i had to pay £106.80 - before it had even turned 8 o'clock - good morning wolrd.

have been feeling very very down recently...i dont quite know what it is...i think that i am just missing being around my friends all the time and i am finding it very hard to adjust to being back home - its hard. the hairdresser i had the other day was in the same boat, so we had a moan about it together, but i dont know...i think that i just miss the laughs and stuff that i had at uni, and all the jokes and advemtures and just general niceness of it all. but then there are my usual worries as well, and they seem to be heightened at the moment and i just dont understand why...its all so strange...but i am not that happy, and so well there we go.

apart from that, will have the house completely to myself over the weekend as both bros are away...that will give me time and space to think (that might be the dangerous part for me), but i should have some relax to do...and then the rest of the week will be work, and getting to know what i do actually have to do good and proper. i think that i will enjoy working there as everyone seems so friednly, and once i start a proper routine i reckon it will be easier too. i just hope that theu like me in the office and i can do the jobs to the standard that they want the work to be done.

have a nice bank holiday weekend everyone - hope its all going well for everyone else...or as well as it can be anyways.

lots of love and hugs
zosh xxx

research..

now i thought i had it all planned out, and that i wanted to become an organisational psychologist...that is until i did some research into post-grad courses and there are just so many great things out there for me to do...wil just have to do some more thinking...

job starts on thursay -i have some smart clothes - on thurs and fri will see what other people in the office wear and then get some stuff at the weekend - the bugger is my monthly rail ticket costs £105 - now that is just silly.

less than 10 hours before parents leave for 2 1/2 weeks - bros and i just cant wait - will have some space at last.

a friend of mine snr me a text in that in his job he does sweet FA...well mate - lets see what you say when your MA begins!!! might just have to go and see your new house too...

not much else has happened today - oh i got the lion king vid for £5 in Oxfam - great! and they sell loads of fair trade stuff too - i got some muesli type bar things for work...

love zoshxx

Moving in...

now, you may be wondering why i am moving in..well for the last week i have been sleeping in the upstairs spare room whilst ive redecorated my bedroom, and yesterday and today i have been moving in to my new room...its a chore and a half. ive given so much of my stuff to the charity shop...some if it i hadnt used in ages, but other bits were harder to let go of...never mind.

on friday i made my way up to London, and using the map from the job agency, i found my way in plenty of time to the Legal Services Commission, where my interview was going to take place. I had given myself mental answers to possible questions such as "describe a time where you have worked well in a team?", or "what do you consider to be important for a group to get a job done professionally?" and "what do you consider to be your major fault?", but the only questions i got were, have you had a long way to come, would you like a drink, when can you start from, and do you have any questions. yep that was it...call that an interview? i asked what type of things i would be doing, and computer packages that they use (looks like i am going to have to be taught some of them...) and who do i go to if i dont understand what i am doing. I also met the lady whom i will be taking over, and will be shadowing her for her last two days, and so hurrah - i start work on thursday! Travel funds can now commence! my job title is PA/clerical administrator, and I have a little Spannish boss, who was explaining to me on the way out that i was not to be worried, as he liked to work in a comfortable and relaxed atmosphere...fingers crossed it will all work out. And it looks like i will be able to come down for some of freshers week anyways...poss the 24-30th of september - but it will be late arrival on the 24th and early departure on the 30th if i go with a certain company, but you guys will have to put up with me for some of the time i'm afraid....will you be able to cope?

hope everyone else is ok with what they are doing...i have a temporary misplacement of address book so cant write to anyone - its probably got caught up in the bedroom move somewhere...pareants go on hols on tuesday - so will be a parent free zone for a while! yay! peace and independence!

keep well and in touch guys...miss you all tonnes

zosh xxx

ok - it did blog the first time - never mind - it just looks like i have been well busy when i havnt been!
double prayers for me then!

grr
dont know whats happening with blogger, but it doesnt want to publish what i have been typing recently...will give it one last try...

can people please pray for me on friday - as i have a job interview that i really need to get through so i can start earning some money - its in the Legal services commission, and my job is a four month placement in the family and child department..it pays well (£8/hour), so all the money will come in handy for when i go travelling...i may have found the charity that i want to work with too - they are called Tearfund, and they are a Christian charity. I am still waiting for some info on other charities, but this one sounds good.

other than that, have given my room three coats of paint - its no longer lilac - but hint of jasmine - a very pale cream...
last night i apparently slept through a huge thunderstorm - when i got up this mornign, i was asked so how sacred were you last night - (i have a phobia of thunderstorms you see), when i replied scared of what, a look of indredulity fell upon my mothers face....

also watched a programme where the outcome was the inevitabke - looks are worth more than personality (average joe was the show)...damn - there go my hopes then.

one last thing - lets pray that the people of Cornwall recover after all the terrible flooding that there has been recently.

love zosh xxx

well well well

over the last few day i have given my bedroom three coats of paint - thats what you get when trying to cover lilac with "hint of jasmine"...but its all good - now i just have to gloss, and then i can move back into my room.

a job agency have been very kind and are desperately trying to get me a job. they said that the family and child services department at the Legal services commission are very interested in my CV, and i have an interview with the agency tomorrow, and an interview in London with the company on friday - so all prayers that i get the job are needed please - if i do get it, its a four month placement, at eight pounds an hour, and that wll be a big chunk towards my travelling that i am now researching more thoroughly - and i may have found my organisation - its a Christian charity called Tearfund...im not sure thats who im going to go with - but they are a firm option.

over the last few weeks i had been watching a programme called Average Joe, where a very pretty woman, had to choose between, what were labelled 'average looking men', but half way through, three model type men were introduced. This was because the lady said that she always went for personality, and so it was a test as to whether she did or not....you getting me so far?
anyways, yesterday was the last programme in the series, and obviously she went for the attractive man with no personality at all...Now this really upset me - i felt so sorrt for the other guy - because really-the other guy was me. and its just oh so frustrating that these things always happens, and its the good guys that always get hurt...

anyways, rant over...better do some research as to what my job might involve for the interview on friday - please can you cross all the fingers and toes that you can for me....Thank you...

ps - Lisa if i can get that week off - i have found a company that i can get to Exeter to for £1.50 - how cool is that?!

zosh xxx

My Hulliday (see what i did there?)

yesterday i did a very detailed blog of my trip to hull - everyday a different colour, but it didnt blog - grr - so today i am not going to do that, and just do a quick run through if everything i did...

Wednesday - i had the journey up, James put me on a bus - i got off at the correct stop - we had famous Chicken George for tea (yummy chip spice), Ella came over, we watched jason and the argonauts - bedded.

Thursday - james put me at the bus stop - i got the bus to cottingham and met Ella - chatted loads as i wanted to get to know ella more (she is more lovely than i could imagine!), Ellas mum made us a lovely tea - tandemed home.

Friday - Ella came over and put me on a bus to town -got off at the right stop - we went to the deep = it was awesome...it was too hot to do anything else, so we picnicked in the park - took the 25 photos ordered of us - met James in town - went home +watched telly and chatted...

Saturday - did the fish trail, museums, ice-creamed, strawberry ate, spurn light ship all before 2 - then tandemed to Ellas to meet her Polish relatives...attenpted Polish...had a ymmy BBQ - poied, and then had a yummy curry - watched a film, tandemed home.

Sunday - tandemed to Ellas, went to church, sat and poied in the garden, chatted, had a yummy sunday tea (mmm thank you ellas mum), played on the computer, tandemed home to witness first class the devastation that James talks about in his house...chatted went to bed.

Monday - said mye to James - Ella waved me off. and now i am back home!

Thank you James and Ella i had a lovely time in Hull, and want to say that you are both great and very hospitable...you are both just lovely!

forced my cv into the hands of many agencies today - fingers crossed hey...but i have told them all i have already booked a holiday for september 24-30th, so i can come to Exeter then - so i hope to see some of you there - if not then i will be very upset...

love zosh xx

ps - i got a big parker coat yesterday - for an outrageous bargainous price of £6.30!

waiting...

am writing this whilst waiting for James to answer his phone/reply to my text as i wnt to confirm the booking of my coach tickets to hull...the thing is the coach on the thursday that i was originally going to take was fully booked (there seems to be an exodus to Hull), and the alternative coach took over 7 hours - eek! so u see , i want to know whether it is ok for me to take the wednesday coach and spned an extra day in hull...i dont want to impose myself for too long you see... what a quandry...

apart from that - i am now a bit blonder as i have coloured my hair - response so far has been positve - so yay!

have continued on my stone losing quest which is all good i suppose - today i havnt cycled but my knees are hurting...

yay - have just heard from james - i can go on wednesday - now my coach is only 5 and a bit hours long - wohoo!

we watched Polish telly on sunday - it was about the Warsaw uprising as it was the 60th anniversary - my mum was telling me all about it, and now i realise why Poland is such a patriotic country. when all around us failed to help us and watched over 100,000 Polish innocent people get slaughtered in just over a month, the country did its best to stop it, when others didnt. the sad thing about this is, that we never learn and such things are still happening today. why, world why? it was a very sad ceremony, very sad, but i am glad that i watched it.

hope everyone is fine - i joined more temp agencies today - fingers crossed!

zosh xxx

da da da

so the headaches mentioned in the last post continued - it was stupidly painful...so to the doctors i tried to go, but obviously i had to re-register..and i did not know that that only happened on a tuesday. so i rang to make an appointment only to be told this...but as i was also running out of my ad's they squeezed me in. so to the doctors to re-register i went, wheni bumped into my aunt - who is the receptionist at the doctors (not the one that answered the phone to me though)...apparently i had caused a bit of difficulty at the surgery - i didnt care. so i had everything checked - blood pressure, drug use, wieght...the normal. then i thought i could see the doctor - but no - that didnt happen till today. anyways, after re-regestering of to my nans i went, only for a few minutes later for the aunt to arrive...anyways we were talking about stuff, then all of a sudden she turned to me and said, so you know what Zosiu (thats like zosia, but its some funny polish thing when endings cahnge dependent on what is being said in the sentence)..you could do with losing a stone....oh she hads tact. i was put back by this...very put back. she then went to say - but that should be easy for you. WHAT??? i mean...WHAT??? as if i am not down on myself enough...i dont need family telling stuff like that to me.

anyways, so yesterday losing the stone programme started - i went for a looooong walk with my bro (who is very underweight...) in Petts Wood woods...and its lucky he knew where he was going cos i would have got vey lost Blair Witch stylee...i cycled for an hour on the cycle bike...went for another walk, and had some nice veg for my tea declining the offer of mac and cheese my mother had made...

today i had to take my mum to collect our other car from the garage after it broke, i have been exercising loads, reading, but all in all i feel down. i am feeling a bit lonely. one of my closest mates has moved away from the area, others are on holiday, so i just feel a bit lonesome, and obviously also a stone overweight apparently...

i dd however get my 6 films of photos that i sent off for development today...that was very exciting...i mean there were so mnay photos that i had forgotton about (lisa - valentines day party....you in the ambulance....our pimms at the ball....so many funny funny things). i also got the professional photos that Amy and i had done at the graduation ball - and i do have to say that they are very nice photos...

anyways, just feeling that little bit lonely and unloved at the mo...oh so whats bloody new.

zosh xxx

short post...
 
have been ill in the last few days - really bad headaches that i cant open my eyes and i am really feeling sick - mum thinks its migraines...doctors appointment being made.  today my head was so bad i just couldnt stop crying...grr.  poor me - computer screen is hard to look at so am stopping...
 
oh - but my mum says i look nice i my grad photos...
 
zoshx

la la la la la la
 
am going to try and be less stressed in this blog entry...lets see.  yesterday i went into the pit that is Orpington High Street, as i needed to visit the bank, and by some stuff for my nan.  I am also thinking about changing my hair colour as i feel like a change to show that i am moving on, so i was with my mum deciding what colour to go...we made no decision - but i will do it sometime.  i finished a book that i have been reading "Memoirs of a Geisha" - its fab and had some VERY thought provoking sections in it - i thouroughly enjoyed the book.  i then went to my nans and watched a Polish soap opera - its very addictive, and understandable (my nan has Polish satelite you see - Ive been on it dancing!!!).
 
I went to church with my parents last night as my dad was ministering.  We have a new priest from the summer break, and he is from Ghana - and he is just so great.  he was just so encouraging with his sermon, and was so enthusiastic and i really enjoyed the mass yesterday - i dont think my parents liked it that much, but i thought it was great.  I then spoke to the parents of two school friends, but not the two friends themseleves..i dont know whether they go to church anymore - its a sad thing to see.
 
Today i have had the house to myself as my mum and dad went to a Sikh wedding, Andrew was somewhere with Liz, and Peter had gone to Leeds to his best mates wedding.  So i cycled lots, pampered myself, began reading another book in the back-garden until the sun went it, and then continued in the conservatory, attempted (and completed) some of the Daily telegraph puzzles, and then i went to visit my nan as i was not sure if my mum would today or not.  She would not let me do any hoovering or cleaning or ironing for her, so i sat with my grandad for a bit, and then my nan and i watched the next installment of the afore mentioned soap opera.  On arriving home, peter was back from Leeds, and soon the rest of the family ventured in.
 
I now have a plan...to complete my CV, force it upon more temping agencies, chose and sign up to a chrity and then begin my travels...
 
James - i am looking at dates and times and stuff, will email you have found a suitable time, but i need to know when you're free and stuff ...email me if poss...cheers - and say hi to Ella for me - will hopefully see her soon, so she will no longer miss my absence!
 
heard from a very good frind of mine i have not heard from for a while - congrats you genius you - tell me when ur free, and we can have some pubbage in Bromers?!oh the joy if it all...
 
and to everyone else - enjoy if you can and hope to hear from you all soon...
 
Zosh
xxx
(am loving this multi-colour thing - its fab!)

oh dear oh dear oh dear...

why is it so dull where i live?  i mean this week was my recuperation week, but by wednesday i was so bored its untrue...there is just nothing to do.  i even went to the supermarket with my mum this morning to do something.  there are no jobs around at the mo (and i am not working in the slave shop that was the bakery that i worked in last time - i am worth more than just over three pounds an hour), and home is just so restricting...if i do go out i get "where you goimg?  what are you doing? who are you meeting? when you gong to be back? have you got everything you need?"..and i get another spannish inquisition when i have had a phone call...it just drives me insane.  i have been researching for charities to go abroad with and just today after many hours of net surfing (oh the joys of broadband) i found this great placement in zimbabwe looking after lion cubs and elephants in a conservation park with a team of other volunteers. I mean just how cool is that...but i get "but its a bit dangerous there"  my brother last year went back-packing around India and this year has just come back from back-packing around Egypt - like they are not dangerous places either...and in my case i will have supervision too....i mean just ARGH - its all far too stressful here.
 
i have had a lot of independence and i think have grown up more than my parents wanted me too, and they just cant accept the fact that I am not a little girl anymore.  I am the first to put my hand up to say that yes i do have some problems with my health (which are not so good at the mo), but i am tyring to get myself sorted, and i just wish that my family will let me be the person that i am...

so nothing much else to say - seriously my life has been very very very dull recently...

zosh

I wondered how long
 
i wondered just how long it would take for people to go to me "and what about you?" after Peter's engagement was announced...and really it didnt take long at all.  so to everyone else thinking of asking me that question - PLEASE, pretty please with a cherry on top dont ask me that question, because it doesnt make me a very happy bunny at all - in fact it has made me very sad over the last few days...people say it in jest, but really it does get me down...those who know me best will understand why this is the case, and it is not something that i am really in the mood to type about now....
 
anyhows - i gave another pint of my wonderful blood today, although they didnt want me to go, as my blood came out too quickly for their liking, and then it didnt want to stop coming out - as i said i am alsways eager to help causes...and my blood showed this very well!
 
am still trying to catch up the lost sleep from the weekend and calm down from all the excitement that has occurred.  in acyaul fact i am knackered, and coild well and truly do woth a holiday and good weather - but these are both very improbable at the moment - oh dear never mind...
 
other than that nothing much else is going on in the life of me...have written some letters to some charity organisations, lokking for temping work, and altogether trying to come off my A-D's, but this is very very hard, and i am failing at the moment, so that is not going to plan either - but i am trying, so please can you all bear with me.
 
zoshxxx

Part two...
 
so after birks...up the hill we went and i finally gave in my robes (i wanted to get the £31 hiring fee out of them).  i then made my way to St Germans (where my parents were staying) to prepare for the Graduation ball.  I had two hours to get ready...i needed to re-shower and re-straighten my hair - this took ages beacuse i wanted to get it just right - and it wasnt just right - but it was acceptable.  i then did my make-up - this took ages as i had lots to do, and i had to make an effort so that i looked the best that i could.  with ten minutes to go, my mum then had to lace me into my bustiere, and i swear those things give you the best posture ever.  I got my mum to do it really tight so that it would squash my belly right in - amazingly i had got from rags to riches in two hours - with the help of coke and red bull to keep me awake.
 
i then had some photos taken, and then met up with amy, and had some photos done with her...we then got to the great hall where we met up with the others that we knew were sitting at out table, and then got in the queue for the coaches to Powderham Castle - the setting of the Grad ball...
 
and oh what beautiful setting it was, and i had such a fab time at the abll it was unreal.  we got there, and as we were at the first sitting of the meal, we were ushered to our table - that being Blue 18.  the other four people at our table were already there - they were 4 lads who were very friendly and funny.  the starter was already set, but the main course cam on one huge platter.  everyone was too scared to serve, so one of the new guys Tim, and myself, were labelled mummy and daddy, as we served the others with the food - and it was very yummy food, but due to the constraints of my dress i could not eat that much.  then desert came, and we were both mummy and daddy once more...Amy and I felt very sorry for the bottle of red that was on our table, as all the white had gone, so we drank it of course...we were then asked to leave so the next sitting could start, and so we made our way to the complementary drinks tent...
 
Amy and I had some professional phots done - i cant wait, and then we did a lot of mingling with people.  i was told that i looked beautiful by some people - i looked good (well good for me) buit not beautiful - people just say these things to be kind...Amy then persuaded me to go on the fair rides - so off we went, and i denied enjoying them, but they were indeed very fun.  we kept on bumping into the people from our table and having a great laugh with them.  one of my best moments of the night came when i bumped into Chris (the text message dumper) - i was very civil, we asked each other how we got on (he was gutted when he found out i got a first), and he was pleasant when he said "It was really nice to have gone out with you - you taught me a lot", and i just replied "Pity I cant say the same about you", and then gracefully walked off!  i felt so proud...
 
the night just flew by...and before long the dance tent ended with the good old greenday song "it something unpredictable but in the end its right, i hope you had the time of your life" - and i can well and truly say that i did.  It was very emotional saying goodbye to people, laughing and crying, but it was fab, just a beautiful beautiful end to a fantastic three years of my life.
 
waiting for the coach back, i was having some sinkage trouble, and thankfully i was next to some very nice men who kept on lifting me out of the grass.  at this time - we had all had plenty to drnk (free wine ALL night) and things were getting very silly - i had grdauated with traffic hand-siganalling degree, and the man to my right just a plan traffic handling degree...oh dear.
 
i eventually fell into bed at five...
 
saturday - was just very tiring - two hours of sleep later, i had to get up, and take off make-up and pack up room.  my parents came to collect me and we did the undeground passages, and went to dawlish.
 
at home i saw ny bros that i have not seen for ages - peter came back froim egypt the other day...
 
and this is where my final little paragraph comes... i want to say a huge congratualtions to my brother Peter, and his now fiance Dav who got engaged whilst travelling in Egypt and plan to marry next year.  You two go together so well, and i am so happy for you guys its crazy.
 
what an emotional few days...uni is finally over, my new life begins, and for Peter and Dav, hopefully the beginning of a beautiful life together.
 
love zosh xxx

so so much
 
so much has happened in the last few days it seems a bit silly, but never mind, i will try and inform you all about it.  well thursday was the great drive back down to exeter...i got my keys for my room in birks and was so impressed with what i had - i had a kettle and a fridge in my room, towels and sheets, lots of hospitality stuff, it was just fab.  in the eveinig my parents and i collected lisa, and all tne stuff that i had stored in her room, and we went for an indian - which was lush, and also fulfilled lisa's wish to meet my mum.
 
friday - well this day felt like twenty days rolled into one.  i had had an awful night sleep as the other people staying in birks were just so noisy, so i was up before seven, showering and straightening my hair, although it wasnt doing what i wanted it to do.  i then got myself all suited and booted as this morning was my graduation.  i went ot breakfast and they were persuading me to eat a full english, but i was so nervous i could only manage a few spoons of cereal...anyway i then made my way up to Peter Chalk where i met my parents, and got myslewf gowned...the exeter hood is a bluey/grey hood - quite pretty i thought, and i had a hat, but it took me ages to actually get one that fitted me.  We then had some photos ataken, and then i made my way down to the lower exam hall, where i had my professional photos done - they give you an instant print of one, and my parents were pleased with mine - i thought it was ok - i hate photos though.  then i was talking to all my friends outside the hall, and then we had the graduation itself.
 
the talk given by the vice-chancellor was actually very funny, and i quite enjoyed it...but clapping thousands of SoBE people was just -oh - but then came psychology's moment of glory.  Don Mitchell (head of psych) said my name wrong - i always knew that would happen - but i can safely say i was the first of my year to graduate.  i didnt fall over, i remembered to do my little dip, and my hat didnt fall off - so all in all a good graduation.  after i met my parents, and we went down to Washington Singer where psychology were holding a wine reception, and we did the obligatory throwing of the hats...after that back up the hill we walked (havign had a photo outside of singer proudly displaying my lovely certificate) to the quad for the BBQ which was lovely, and we had some champagne.  it suddenly became very sunny and i was very very hot in all my robes, but i really wanted to get some pictures of me in my robes at reed, so off we went.  then i sat on the Exeter Uni sign infront of singer...and then we went to birks to collect all the stuff that i needed for the rest of the day....
 
and i shall tell you all about that in pert two....

well well well

the weather here at the moment is so uninspiring it's just horrid..its so bleak and grey and on/off heavy showers you cant do anything interesting like go for walks (its very cold too), so i feel like a prisoner in my own home...
having said that on saturday my mum and i made our way to London so that I could get a ball dress and a graduation outfit (i have a serious lack of smart clothing)...so off we went. On advice from my friend Susannah, we made our way to Finsbury Park, where we found this absoultely amazing dress shop, which had thousands of dress (and that is no joke), so many styles in a variety of colours, it really would have benn crminal if i came out of thee emtpy handed. i tried on a few dresses (i hate dress shopping, as i am of a weird shape), and from advice from my mum, and other people in the queue for the dressing room, i have got a pink number, which is a sequined and beaded bustiere, and a long skirt, and mathcing shawl, and apparently it looks really good on - although you know what i am like about these things. We did a little exploration of finsbury park and came to the conclusion that there must be very few Polish people left in Poland, as they were all there - i got a bag in the shop, and when she gave it to me, i replied in Polish - and she was so surprised, that a) my mum and i can speak polish and b) we could also speak in the correct tenses (well i was surprised at b as my polish is a bit hmmm)
back on the tube we went and made our way to oxfors street, where it was a nightmare to find a simple black skirt (it really was a nightmare), but eventually i managed to find one, and a reall smart blouse, or a really smart (and sexy at the same time), black and whit off the shoulder top to go with it...i havnt quite decided which top to got with yet, it is really dependednt on the weather...i hate shopping, and felt sorry for my poor mum, as i was getting very frustrated as in shops when you try on clothes, you are alwaysscrutinisng every last bit of your figure, and i know that sounds stupid, but you do, with mirrors everywhere you look its all a bit grrr

anyway, we had to leave London, as I was reading at the saturday service at out church this week. usually a prefer to go on sundays as this is when they do the sung mass, but as i was reading (well filling in for my big big bro) who is on holiday, i ahd to read.

sunday and today have been fairly low key days..i have done unpacking and ruthless chucking of things that as i said "if i havnt used in the last two years, then i obviuosly havnt missed" - its a good technique - i now have room for a lot of my new uni things...am also reading a very good book, and have got completely up to date with the affairs of the world...

have also applied to many job companies, and travel companies, but getting responses from places seems to be impossible, and that is all....

hope people are having more fun than i am...ahve no plans to go abroad yet - oh how i'd love to go abroad..
and one last little gem - you know the "i saw this and though of you" adverts...well my mum said that to me when she came back from the supermarket the other day - so i got all excited at the prospect of getting some nice make-up, or pamper kit, or even chocolates...but no...my mum saw always ultra on offer and thought of me...thanks mum.
zoshxxx

bored...

bored damnit. there is nothing to do in chislehurst - especially when the weather is poo. have read books, even unpacked some of my stuff, nan-visited....grrr. got some stuff from abroad charities i had applied to - for one i had to be over 21 (which i am), but have had to had two years fo post-grad experience...this is impossible for anyone like me just over 21 - why dont they say 23???really some people...so at the mo travelling plans are being put on hold, and i am trying to find some work experience/temping placements in HR so that i can get the next part of my career on track...
if only i wasnt so bored...

and my neck is really bad at the mo - it hurts so much - even when lying down - i think i have done something to the muscle there - but ouch..

on the plus side i am cycling 22k every day - thats just over 500 calories on the cycle bike - yay!
zosh

home sweet home?

well i have been at home a few days now, and still am not unpcked - well my clothes are, and other important bits and pieces, but some of my stuff is still in Exeter (thank-you lisa), and the rest well, i have to find room for it all - which is a task that i will thoroughly enjoy!

since i have been at home, i have seen my nan a few times and she looks better then wehn i left (she still has the shingles juts not as bad), but grandad has gone done hill, he is just so vacant now - its horrid. I have been trying to catch up with my sleep that i have lost out on this term, and this is a lot of sleep - i have done a hell of a lot of cycling on my cycling bike cos i want to look good for my gradutauion, and yesterday i went back to school - the good old Newstead Wood. I was asked to give a talk about psychology and about Exeter uni to the year 12's to help them with their UCAS applications. It was really good but strange going back. I saw 4 of my old form tutors and none of them could believe that I got a first..the history teacher who said that i would not get above a C at hostory A-Level nearly fainted when i told her my degree result, and the deputy head was just chuffed for me. It was so strange being back at school, and that just showed me how much i had actually grown up in the last few years.

I am now trying to get some of my travelling sorted, but it doesnt look that likely naymore, as it is very expensive, and the places that i have asked for information have not got back to me...so it looks like i will be going back to the original plans of finding an HR job, and then applying to an MSc - and i saw a really good course that funds people with firsts - amazing!

Today i went to the local town centre - Bromley ( a pit really), to try and find a ball dress for graduation ball, but there wasnt eally anything there, so my mum says she will got to London with me at the weekend - a bit of a chore, so i hope that i will find something.

Yesterday, as my mum is resigning from her job there was a huge BBQ for all the people in her department at our house - now as it was my mums party i wanted her to have a good time (what a nice daughter i am), so not only did i do the BBQ, but i also did the washing up - what a lovely girl i am - really i am. it was a nice evening - i have not seen my mum so relaxed for a long time, and that was so nice to see.

am missing all you lovely exeter people a bit, just the laughs and adventures that we went on. if anyone is in exeter between 15-17th of july - tell me and see if we can catch up for 5 mins when i am down for my graduation - and staying in the luxury that is birks!

so long for now - back to home life - grr - parents - they love me and all, but they are very controlling...grr

zoshxxx

BYE BYE EXETER

today is my last day of uni....hmmm...all very sad really - i am at james' house - using robs computer - thank you rob! - just to blog goodbye to everyone...

thank you for making my time at exeter great everyone - have had a wicked last week - with the summer ball, and my first and hopefully last time in an ambulance (thanks lisa), and stayed all the way to six!

wednesday was the dreaded results day - but hey - i got a first! cant quite believe it myself, but never mind - its all there in black and white - so yay i suppose!

better go back to packing - people should come around for drinks tonight if you can...

bye bye exeter - but i WILL be back!

love zoshxxx

REALISATIONS...

i know that this has been coming for a very long time, but i actually cant believe that this is my last week at university - it is very sad, but at the same time, i do have to move on and leave this student bubble and enter the big wide world and take all it has to throw at me. it is going to be one of the scarriest things i do raelly, as i dont know what the future holds (who really does i dont know), but over the last few years i have had to grow up so much and overcome some of the most difficult things ever that i feel that another battle should not damage me too much.

yesterday was my last sunday mass at the chaplaincy...Fr Paul did a sermon about journeys and moving on...and what he said was very true, university is just a chapter in what i hope to be a very long and happy life, and now that it is coming to and end i do have to move on, however sad that may be. I was able to choose the hymns that we sang, so i chose all my favourites. "Do not be afraid" - how apt - one thing i know is that when i do approach a situation that i dont know how to act in, God will be there for me..."you are mine oh my child i am your Father, and I love you with a perfect love" - just beautiful. It was tearful...but lovely. my time at the chaplaincy has been just lovely, and i want to thank everyone there for making it so welcoming and such an enjoyable place to go to.

After mass, i had got some gifts for the Cathsoc committee, so that they each had something to remember me by, they were only little things, but i had tried to get something that I thought represented that person. I got Mark my favourite book of all time (and before you say anything...i KNOW that i have not read every book in existence, but out of those that i have read, this is my favourite). i began reading it from the beginning again, as i usually read my most loved bit of the book, and it is just amazing. "it is sad to forget a friend. Not everyone has a friend". this is very true and i know that i will not forget any of my friends from the chaplaincy, and i hope and pray that you wont forget me either. in the book, the Little Prince meets a very wise fox, who needs to be tamed as when this happens "we shall need one another. To me, you will be unique. And i shall be unique to you" everyone needs friends - i know that over the last year - even over the last month my friends have got me through one of my biggest struggles, and you are all so special in your unique ways - thank you. but the wisest words of the fox were still to come when they were saying goodbye "now here is my secret. It is very simple. It is only with one's heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisble to the eye...For what you have tamed you are responsible for forever." so guys, i love you all so much, you are all so special and have shown me so much care, and i hope that we can stay in touch as the fox states is so important.

so now i am off to enjoy my last week with all you good people...neck pain permitting...

love you all
zoshxxx

yay!

lisa and i shopped on tuesday - amd it was great - we gpt out shalws and shoes, and added to that i got a skirt, some cds, some videos and we got t-shirts printed....we also got pig out food and went back to Lisa's where i chatted with her housemates, until i braved it home - but thanks to a nice bus driver who after i signalled to him to wait for me...he did - what nasty weather it was!

wednesday - it was very windy yesterday - very very windy, and i had to do a stuednt rep thing...initially it was only going to be a talk, but i ended up having to give a tour also...grr as it was wet, i showed tehm the places they specifically showed an interest in...and then we chatted in cornwall house about Exeter college. i started off with nine, and returned with 3! - the others just wanted to go home, and really i didnt blame them! I was supposed to be telling them about uni, but i was telling them to go to uni in a different town to the one that they had lived in - especially as you can see exeter college from exeter uni...anyhow...my talk was ok, and the lunch was good.

i then made my way home, dropped off some stuff and headed to James' and searched through his phots of the year and copied the ones that i wanted...all 190 of them...thanks to Rob, i got them burnt onto a cd which was loevly of him to let me do that.

cathsoc today was good. Mass was the vigil mass for John the Baptist, and then afterwards we all just chatted and were talking to the man that used to come here ages ago, and took the photos in the corridor...after James, Amy, Lisa and I with a bit of help from Adrian and Mark towards the end had ourselve s abit of vodka (that had been in the freezer...and had actually frozen - hmmm) but it melted quickly and was good. Vodka is best served from the freezer - it becomes more syropy and easier to swallow - and tastes better! anyways the evening just continued with laughter and teasing at it usually does. I put lisa to bed - she had fallen asleep on the couch - and then chatted to james and amy, before we all departed to the land of nod ourselves...

today i have been shopping again - but not for me this time - well a few things were for me, but other things were gifts for others...hmm intriguing. but all will become clear very soon...i love shopping for other people - it was a lot of fun - and i even popped into the shop that Fr Paul claimed was far too religious for me...and you know, some people even go as far as calling me a Catholic!

footie tonight - prayers for England please...

and hello to Rachel - if she is reading this in Malta - its very quiet in the chaplaincy without you..

and to my tearful, troublesome and tipsy other...chin up...it will be ok next year - love you!

zosh xxx