Ben's funeral was a beautiful, poignant and moving occassion.  We were reminded of Ben's character, his humour, and the change in him after his ordination.  Ben often talked about 'everything being gift' - the gift of life, the gift of ordination, the gift of friendship, the gifts that God gives us.  Ben's life was a gift, his priestly ministry was a gift, and the teachings that he wrote when suffering are a gift, and they can be used to help us in our teaching.  There were times of laughter during thr eulogy, and many many tears as well.  It was a funeral that Ben asked for, and one that we as his friends were sad to be having to attend after such a short life, but we were all proud to be seen as his friends, and celebrate his life.

Life has been a little strange...my body is re-adjusting to the medication, I have about 6 weeks left of the PhD (although I have not been paid for 5 months), and still no idea about what to do next...although I have some pilgrimgages booked...Rome and Rio await!

A tough october....maybe November will be easier on me.

In these last few days I have been blessed with people offering me hugs (both real and virtual) and support, and have provided a sympathetic ear.  Ben will be missed, by many, but the love that has been expressed is a blessing.
As preparations for his funeral are underway, we pray for him and his family, his friends and the diocese of East Anglia at this sad time

Sad news this morning - Ben died peacefully in the night.  I had a phonecall during the night to tell me.

May he now rest in peace and rise in glory

I have stepped back 18 months and am back on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.  It has been a tough month and that is the way the cookie crumbled.  Pray for me.

In other news, I went to visit Fr Ben at the hospice at the weekend with 2 other friends.  On walking out after saying goodbye, the three of us just stood in the entrance and cried.  He is still going, but incredibly weak and it is so so sad.  Pray for him.

My two week retreat to Taize for this year has been and gone - it flew by.  I know I say this every year, but this year, I really could have done with more time out there, as I am in a discernment process and was just getting myself to a good place when it became time to leave.

I need time to digest what happened out there, so a full update will be given soon.

On another note, Fr Ben took a decline in health just before I went out - but it seems that out prayers are working as he is as stable as he can be right now.  Frere Alois was informed of his situation, and sent him a personal note back with the EA pilgrims - we were all incredibly touched by his gesture of kindness.

Its been a busy week....getting the last bits of work done, entertaining a guest, going to morning Mass which I dont normally hve the opportunity to do (and as per usual, when I go, being asked to serve when there), cooking for my guest, baby sitting, doing some chapter amendments, going shopping, and trying to get my mind ready as soon I will be going on retreat, with so so so many situations and people to pray for.  So, this retreat should be a good time to really sort out my time with God and put that back on track a bit.  Here's hoping anyway.

News about Fr Ben has not been the most positive in the last few days, so if you could keep him in prayer that would be very kind of you.  May God give him strength, and keep his mood positive and his amazing humour strong.

Prayer...I have been praying a lot recently, for a range of things in a range of ways, some of it hasn't been easy, but at the end of the day it can only be a good thing.  I remember when I was a confirmation catechist earlier in the year a young person asked me why I prayed.  I came up with some waffly answer, but it did the trick - he seemed satisfied with my reasons and said that he was going to "try it out".

Anyway, I watched Shadowlands again this weekend.  A poignant time to watch a film like that, when one of your friends is dying of cancer...but there was this awesome quote about prayer:

"That is not why I pray.  I pray because I can't help myself.  I pray because I am helpless.  I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping.  It doesn't change God, it changes me"

Now that is the answer I should have given to my young people.

Shadowlands is a great film - very very moving.  It makes me want to read C.S Lewis stuff all over again.  Maybe, later in the year it may be a good time to read such things.

Please keep Fr Ben in your prayers - he needs them.

This weekend was a first for me...it was the first time that I have helped out at a Diocesan Youth Festival.  About 5 months ago, I received a phone call..."Zosia, we are going to hold a youth festival called IGNITE, and we really want a Taize night prayer for the first evening...will you do it?"  I said yes...of course.  Not just because it was Luke and Hamish asking me, but because I genuinely wanted to do it...and the East Anglia Diocese have been a huge help to me over the last few years.

As the weeks got closer, I found myself also leading a workshop called "God speaks to us", and then last Wednesday, I found myself answering another phone call with the question "can you do the Sunday morning talk?".."What on" I reply..."oh, you know, the call to holiness, saints of the 3rd millennium, community, The Eucharist...".."Ok" I say...

So on Friday afternoon I arrive in a very wet Norwich, we make our way to the boarding school in Swaffham where IGNITE was to be held, and began the setting up.  While I let the men sort out the sounding and the lighting in the Gym...Fr Luke and I set about transforming a french classroom into a chapel.  This was more successful then I though - bed linen is brilliant!  I took up various bits of material from my church, we had Bishop Michaels Taize cross, various icons that Fr Luke had painted and set about making an altar and prayer spaces.  At 11:30pm, we left the school and headed back to Norwich, via ASDA to pick up more bed linen to finish up the next day and food.  At 12pm/am, we put food in the oven and started to plan the openning liturgies, prayers and talks for the next 2 hours. After less than 4 hours sleep in the guest room at Cathedral House I was up again finishing up and making our way back to the school to finish setting up.

Saturday started off with a Mass for a small number of us, so that we could have the Blessed Sacrament present in the chapel, and we finished set up, just in time for the arrivals of everyone.  The opening liturgy included prayer and praise, a meditation about answering Gods call (using Mary and the Magnificat as an example....a 1:30am gin induced idea), and a Christian Mime artist...lunch, a key note talk from Fr Luke, free time (and the chance for the sacrament of Reconciliation) followed by workshops...after my workshop which was in the chapel, I set about changing the layout for evening Taize prayer...but that could only be finished off with the arrival of things later in the evening.  I then took the opportunity for confession myself, and made my way to the BBQ.

In the evening, two very powerful events happened.  Steve Murray, a Christian Mime artist performed for us - for about an hour, and did an amazing mime about the passion of Christ - I was literally moved to tears - it was amazing.  I had to miss the concert as I had to set up chapel for Taize prayer which was in complete candlelight - and this turned out to be far more emotional than I could have ever imagined.  Obviously, Bishop Michael was in our thoughts (the first anniversary of his death had just passed), but also Fr Ben is very much in our thoughts.  But the service was beautiful, just emotional, with many of us going outside to have a good cry - not a wee-, but a big snotty cry.  Even Hamish, who does not like Taize, came to find me to tell me he liked it...  A hunt for a memory stick, and much de-waxing of a chapel later, I made my way to the convent where the female 'special guests' were staying for the night, and I took a Katie in with me - I had a room with 4 beds in it - she was going to have a crash mat...it made sense! 

Little sleep later, and sunday morning came, with breakfast, morning prayer of the church, and then my talk.  After we had Mass preparation, Mass, lunch, and that was it,,,Ignite was done.  Obviously we had a huge clear up operation, and post the removal of the blessed sacrament from chapel, we began dismantling, with many hands on deck, music blasting from my speakers and dancing!

On Sunday evening, Fr Luke and I drove to visit Fr Ben in his hospice - I was not going to go all the way to Norwich and not visit him.  This was a wonderfully blessed time - Ben was in good spirits (he had been with his family earlier in the day) but was tired and weak.  We talked about his ordination, and how he has previously said "give me a system and I will smash it", and he was happy when I told him I may be venturing into youth ministry, and just general chit chat - until about 10-15 minutes later he became very week, so we received a blessing and allowed him to rest.  On the way back to Norwich in the car, I let the tears fall.  Questioning - why?  Why?

On Monday I went to Mass in the Cathedral, Hamish popped over to say goodbye and then I made my way back to the office!

I was very lucky to have been part of IGNITE...time spent among friends, meeting new people, being thrown in at the deep end and having time to pray, and think about the future was brilliant.

Please continue to pray for Fr Ben - he is being such a witness of grace and gift - but he does need prayers.

Thank you once again EA for taking me in, and letting me be in amongst you.  I am very grateful.

So, I would like to say a MASSIVE thanks to James who let me guest blog on his blog the other day about Fr Ben's ordination so we could get the prayers up.  I am hugely grateful, and I am sure that Fr Ben is also grateful for the prayers.

I have had a lot of emotions recently.  Last Friday it was extreme anger when I found out that I was the only PhD student not to receive further funding to finish their PhD post centre closure.  This was followed by many tears, and then reflection.  Reflection, came last - it should have been first.  I still do not know what is going on, but I have a great supervisor who is checking on my mental health all the time (he knows that the Ben news has knocked me slightly too), and is going to fight a battle foe funding for me.  So all is not lost.  I went on a church away day where I was asked to give a talk about community and the Eucharist, and that went down really positively, so that cheered me up!

And today, well, today I have had a relatively positive PhD supervision - these have been rare of late if I am being honest, so when I was receiving feedback for a results chapter that my boss had not seen at all, or really even discussed with me, and a) he liked my findings (I am bored of them, but he liked them) and b) issues that I have had with other chapters were not present here, I was somewhat happy!  Obviously, it needs tidying up and amending, but it was not all bad!  woop!

Half a day of work tomorrow before I head up to Norwich to help run some sessions at IGNITE youth festival for East Anglia Catholic Diocese!  I am leading a session called "God speaks to us" (prayers for that please), and co-ordinating the Taize prayer in the evening (this I have planned!).  So it should be a good weekend....and if he is well enough, I may also pop to see Fr Ben who has moved back to EA to get the care he needs.

Another Ben update...well technically that should read Fr Ben update...Ben took a turn for the worse, and so on Saturday he was ordained even though he is only in his 3rd year.  I rushed up to go and support him with a few other friends...what a beautiful, heart-wrenching, poignant service.  Ben was courageous and strong throughout, and at the end of the service there was a spontaneous round of applause that went of for ages, and Ben found the strength to stand up and turn round to face us all...with such joy on his face.  He gave us all a blessing as we left the chapel, and I spoke with him for a few minutes, trying my upmost not to cry.  Then when I could, when I was out of sight, I walked away in tears.

I am so happy that I went up to support him on his day.  His strength, courage, hope and trust in the Lord was an incredible witness, even through his horrific illness.  What grace that on Sunday, I heard he was able to celebrate his first Mass at seminary for a few other priests - amazing grace.

I kind of feel that Saturday was a bit of a dream.  Travelling the distance, seeing this act of love and service and humility, tears of joy, and tears of sadness.  And once again, I was made to feel so welcome amongst the EA clergy...

And to end on a lighter note, I got to sit on another papal chair (with the permission of the rector of the seminary), and after this ordination, I did not fall down any stairs and hit my head.

Please continue to pray for Fr Ben...he truly appreciates them and needs them

Quick update about my friend Ben...They have stopped his chemo because it was making him worse rather than better and are now just letting nature take its course.  Outlook is bleak.
Please pray for him...he needs them

I am wanting to have my second results chapter done by the end of the week, giving me enough time to be on course for a first draft of every chapter of the thesis before my break...at the moment, I have 11,000 words left for the discussion - this should be enough...but I am sure we can chop some of my results down a bit, or my literature, so I should be ok for the 100,000 word limit...it is strange - 100,000 words at my disposal, and there is still a chance of going over the word limit.

Was given some advice about prayer of discernment the other day - took it last night...have to say, it was quite powerful stuff.

2 weeks until Ignite - my first try at running some sessions at an organised youth weekend...quite excited.  And yes, I have also been asked to co-ordinate a Taize prayer at the event.  good stuff

Published!!!

Well, in Southwark Archdiocese anyway!  This months edition of our diocesan newspaper "The Pilgrim" contains my article....and not just that, but they have put it on a 2 page spread on the centre pages!!  It is all very exciting!  In fact, somebody pointed out to me that they also had my photo on the front page!!  I will give you all one guess as to what my article was about...!!  But they also put Bishop Paul's article about the service I invited him to in there, and a little section about the new Taize CTS booklet that Fr Bryan, my parish priest wrote.  So all in all, in every parish in Southwark Archdiocese this morning, the new edition of the Pilgrim will have been offered to parishioners, and my article will be there for all to read.

In other news, I was at St George's Cathedral yesterday for a training day for Diocesan catechists which was very interesting and ended with a Mass with Archbishop Peter thanking us all for our work, and commissioning us to go out to continue teaching the faith....so my friend and I, went out to the pub!

And this evening, I have just returned from 'face to face with Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor at the local Methodist church - the methodist minister questionning him for about an hour.  It was a big shame there was no time for questions from the audience, I had loads to ask....but never mind....

An update on my friend Ben, mentioned in the last post: he was not a suitable candidate for an experimental drug, that would not have cured him, but may have helped control pain/grant him a little more time. he is weak, but apparently in good spirits. He really wants to go to Taize one last time, and so we are working on ways to get him there. He really could do with more prayers, so please, pray for Ben. Also pray for those at seminary with him and those caring for him. It was good to have both Luke and Hamish independently visit London (but on the same day) last week and to have an evening of drinking with them. And last night, a good catch up meal with an old friend was just what the Dr ordered. In the last few weeks, I have been leaning on friends for support on a number of issues, and I thank them all. I hope that I can repay the favour...

I went to Norwich last week for the entire long weekend, and I timed going there just at the right time. And this is where readers of this blog come in. Could, if you are that way inclined (and even if you are not), pray for our friend Ben. He is a third year seminarian, a fellow Taize pilgrim and more importantly a good friend who, last Thursday, was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer, and was told that he doesn't have long. We are all pretty shocked by the news, and very upset by it. So please pray for him. Pray that he can be comforted, and can remain as strong as he can. Please also pray for those who care for those who care for him at this sad time.

I am very excited as I am going to have a mini-break this weekend and visit 2 good friends of mine. I will have time to pray, time to laugh, to drink and even go to Walsingham for my first time EVER as part of a diocesan pilgrimage (of a diocese that I do not belong to). So, this should be good. Will be staying in a building that is next to a Cathedral, so finding somewhere conducive to prayer will be easy! So yes, East Anglia, I am coming to visit you! Last week I went to an encouraging yet frustrating meeting, where half way through after being told that I can visit parish x,y and z in my free time to help with their youth activities, I had to snap and say this was not possible as I do not have much free time!! The Dean of Bromley then stepped in to support me - thankfully. Also, I found out that the Bishop really liked our Confirmation programme which was good as we had put a lot of work into that, and now plans have been sent to other parishes to see what we have done :-)) And that is about it. PhD continues...and some of this weekend away is to pray about what to do next...

It has been a very busy few weeks recently, and so now is my time to catch up a little bit - on many things, including sleep. So, on the Saturday after I was hacked, my eldest brother got himself a wife! The wedding was beautiful. It was held in the Lake District as that is where his (now) wife is from. We went up the day before to set up the reception venue etc. Now, I had three roles at the wedding - I was 'Best Girl' which meant just making sure everything was ok for the service, I was the caterer liaison for the reception to make sure food was served correctly, that wine was flowing throuhgout the meal and the bar was flowing throughout the evening (the best thing about this role was that I was able to have my gin and tonic hidden), and my main role at the wedding was singing when Andrew and Anne signed the register. Now, yes, I like to sing, but I have never, ever done anything like this!! I was singing Schubert's Ave Maria, and Songbird (made famoud by Ewa Cassidy). The irony of starting a second song which has the openning line "For you, there'll be no crying" to a congregation in tears. I just about managed not to cry when I was singing, but fully blubbed when I sat back down. So yes, I now have another sister in law! The priest was weird, confused by the new translation and a bit muddled. When I spoke to a friend a few days later I told him that I want a priest who knows what they are doing officiating my wedding!! He said that was manageable* * he is a priest!! Secondly, I took a group of young people on retreat. I have been wokring with these young people since December, and at times, they have been hard work, but really it has been my pleasure to be their catechist. I took them to the SCYS retreat centre where they had a weekend programme, that they threw themselves into with gusto. I was so proud of them...they were well behaved, really learnt and got to understand me a lot better. There were also a lot of tears. Some of the young people during the reflections got themselves a little upset, the silence spoke to them. They were very upset, so I took them to chapel, sat with them, gave them time to cry, gave them time to explain why they were upset and then prayed for them and with them. Special times. Thirdly, well yesterday, was the actual Confirmation service. It was truly beautiful to see 32 young people stand up to be confirmed, to kneel infront of Bishop Pat and receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. They were all smiling so proudly, looked so smart, read brilliantly, and were just really good. I was so proud of them. So proud that I spent most of the service crying like an emotional relative. Afterwards, the Bishop came and congratulated me on my work with the kids and a lovely service, and many parents came to thank me for working with them (and the other catechists), and really being able to engage with them at their levels. That was what was most important - the fact that parents realised what I had done. I had made prayer cards for all the young people as a gift, and I hope that we can now keep them engaged and excited about their faith. So yes, busy times. And amongst all this, I am still writing my PhD, keeping that going, and keeping that to time as much as I can. I am struggling a little bit as I am not sure about my funding post July, and I am quite frankly wanting to get the thing done so I can move onto the next pahse of my life...what that is going to be I am not yet sure...I am praying for guidance on this one... And that is pretty much it for the time being!! should keep you updated for a little while!

Busy, busy times...but I have a little time to blow my own trumpet...a little bit! I have been teaching confirmation to 30 young people since January, and at our sessions I am usually given the "Bible study slot"....I thought this was going to be hard engaging the kids in that...but...it has been ok actually. From spontaneous applaud from the young people, to questions being asked...Monday's study involved a quiz... But (as in other weeks) I am more worried as to what my priest will say about what I am saying, and not the young people....but then I get this feedback: "many thanks to you and the others for your work and commitment. Your talk on Monday was excellent! You must deliver some of these in other contexts....we can talk after the weekend" hoorah!

I have had a hacked kind of life in the last 24 hours. Some nasty people have deleted all my contacts and all my emails, everything gone. Now some stuff from my past it is probably good that it has gone, as there was a lot of sadness in some emails there. However, there was also a lot of nice things there, with some lovely messages of love and support which are gone. It just does go to show that not everything does last forever. This tops off a rather bad week. My birthday the other day was Ok - had a lovely Taize prayer, but also had an unfortunate evening, which ended up with me crying down the phone to someone who has become one of my closest friends... Having cried to many a customer service adviser this morning, I am really upping my emotional nightmare tally this week!

Sometimes you do things because you know that you get a lot of enjoyment from doing it...this is what happens when I do my monthly Taize services - if nobody turns up (this is not the case) it wouldn't matter, as I would have that time in prayer (and a whole church) to myself.

However, just the other day, somebody who regularly comes to the monthly services sent me this:

"Thank you so much for your Taize ministry – the Good Friday vigil was so lovely and so meaningful"

Boom!

I dont often get feedback - this made me smile.

Lets hope this Sunday's service can also be meaningful!!