well, the last few weeks can be described as busy, and ill. I have just finished a second round of anti-biotics and i am still feeling ill. apparently my ear and throat infection is not 'normal' and so i have had blood tests to see what is going on. work has been very good about it all - they have been giving me time off, allowing me to come in late when i need to, and just generally wanting me to get better and back to full productivity.

but i have also been really busy. the bromley deanery parish forum went really well - and a lot of positive ideas were encouraged. One World Service for Petts Wood churches together also went brilliantly - i could not have thought it would have been better - Praise the Lord...He did us proud. House of Faith were just amazing - so spiritual - they reduced me to tears. Fr B thanked me for all the hard work that I had put into it...the next thing we are planning is a taize night for youth sunday, and if no younger youth go, then it is also something for the older youth (ie me and my new gang)...this is going to hopefully be a petts wood churches together thing, and also local catholic churches - if they are not doing their own youth day service.

me wise - i am going through a low patch. i had a conversation with somebody on saturday night that brought up a lot of issues regarding relationships and trust, and the last person i spoke to so in depth with about such issues has kindof left me, or cut me out, i am having huge trust barriers and its making me extremely tearful, and leading to other actions and ramifications that are not all good. so some prayers would really be appreciated. i am going to do a self-purge (well try to) of all the crap that is in me, and all the things I would love to chnage about me, and so this may be hard.

and to end the post - someone in my family has just died - she had cancer (only diagnosed a week and a half ago, but it had already spread uncontrollably) so some prayers would be real good for that too.

ok, so things have not really gone to plan recently. Only one person came to youth group on sunday...we are having to have a major re-think about this. i was very upset...i always said that this was not going to be about numbers, but the opportunity for some faith development, but when you only get one person turn up, it does become very disheartening. We have a natural break at the moment due to one world stuff (that I have also found myself saying...."i will help you with the organisation Fr B"), and it gives us time to see how we take it forward...we may open it up to the rest of the deanery, and even eccumenically. daves church are providing me with a lot of spiritual support so i thank them greatly. dave has even offered up his services for help which is just such a blessing (and this was told to me when he was away on his break in Paris) - a friend indeed, and boy do i feel i need that right now. at the moment it is a case of Fr B saying jump, and i say How high! i have very little time for me, and i need to do some work on something as an exciting opportunity has come up for me, and i need to format stuff, and get an something into shape...very little to go on there, but it is something in its first stages. In fact I have just come back from Fr Bs with work to do for saturday Deaneries parish forum, which i somehow got myself organising, and firmly telling him he cannot ring me tomorrow as i am at breaking open the word, but i reckon the phone may go on friday!

am getting a bit upset with my church as i seem to be doing sooo much, and people are putting out rumours about the youth group which is why it is not well attended...they are using a Bible (at a church youth group - you wouldnt say...hell no, that cannot happen can it??!) but i have the support of Fr B, and he is telling me not to get disheartened. this weekend i am going back to daves church - which is also struggling, but for different reasons (a congregation of 25 cannot really keep a church going for long) as i really enjoyed it last time, and they have been very supportive of me, and so i am going to show my support to them.

but work is good - i have been given an extended contract for another year, been moved up a grade and given a change of name - assistant researcher and research administrator...oh exciting

um, am being given a lot of support by work colleagues, and new great friendships that have been developing recently, and these people are very special to me...and i thank them all so much, as i have really needed their supprt over the last few weeks....

right, bed time, and i have not done any of the reading that Fr B has asked me to do, as Claire has rung to talk about other church things...seriously, are we the only who cares in bromley? it sure feels like it!

well, my last post ended with me just about to do a 10k....that i did, even though so many people said i shouldnt...and why did they say that? the previous two days i had been sent home from work, and on the day i was told to only go in for the afternoon. i was very ill! i was coughing so much i could hardly breathe and it was pissing it down with rain...but i still did the run...it had got to the point where I had been sponsored too much not to do it...i did it in an hour, and i was in the last two...but the kudos i have for doing the run is amazing!
Work this week...well i didnt go in on monday or tuesday (was told not to, as on monday i was put on anti-biotics...ear and throat infection), i went in on wednesday and thursday (although there was talk of sending me home as i was coughing too much for works liking - even my old boss said so), and so on thursday evening, they told me not to come in on friday! i like my work!
It has meant that i was able to do a lot of youth group stuff, and bromley deanery stuff...and i went to dinner at daves the other day, and we had a big pray about many many issues, including both our parishes, his alpha group, my senior youth group (second meeting tomorrow), and mutual friends of ours going through some problems...it was mush needed and very good.
so i have my second youth group meeting tomorrow...it should be good...on thursday it is breaking open the word for people in my age group, and soon i really hope a 20-30 group will start - off my back, but i am keen... and soon the one world service is going to be had for Petts Wood together so that should be good too!
oh, so busy, but good too

well, its been a long time since i last wrote...
i have been to a wedding - it was real good
I had to take a day off work with mild food poisoning after a meal out after Breaking Open the Word
And Fabienne and Corinna from Taize came over, and so Dave and I were London tour guides for a few days, which was just an unbelievable amount of fun, but very tiring...saw so mnay things myself for the first time, and even had my first experience of the night bus..thanks to dave for waking me up at the right spot (well our stop, seeing as he lives five minutes down my road) it was great to see them both and spend so much time with them, and it makes Taize in Geneva this December so much more exciting, as we will be seeing them, and spending an extended time in Switzerland with Fabienne over new years.

i have also been ill...this week i have spent about 9 hours in the office - the rest of the time i booked a day off, and then the last two days i have been sent home from work...and i have been told not to come in until the afternoon tomorrow - i have a 10k run for charity tomorrow so that will be fun - hmm coughing and running - at least i have a good excuse for a crap time! i hate being ill, and am trying to deny the existence of this cold, but when not being able to stop coughing for 10 seconds, i kindof have to give in.

My church youth group started on sunday...we only had a few people come, but that was good enough for me...i have kindof borrowed the old faith, friendship and fun theme from Cathsoc to advertise it, as i am wanting it to be a chance for religious development for the youth, and for them to have the opportunity to question their faith. on tuesday 42 letters were sent out to personally invite the youth to the group - i hope that it works - prayers for this will be needed and much appreciated...it is going to happen every fortnight, and soon in church we have a one world vision night for the churches together in Petts Wood, and Bromley Deanery is having its Parish council forum shortly, which has taken up rather too much of my time in its planning!

so have been fairly busy...but the next most important thing is the 10k tomorrow...that will be a big achievement for me.

and also, am having a confusing time over something else, and i am really hoping that God is with me on this...well if i want to walk on water....eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk!

take care one and all
Zx

well, the last few days have been a bit of a discovery. I have been reading some Christian books to help me out of a little rutt that I am in...but it is much harder than i can imagine really...the books are very good though, and are really helping me with my prayer. this sunday i also went to Daves church (Poverest Baptist), and I really enjoyed it. It was good to have a change (i had gone to the saturday evening service at my church), but i realise that if there is a congregation of about 25, then when you do a harmony - no matter how quietly you sing it - it will be heard! but it was good, and i really enjoyed it, and they were all very welcoming! we then spent two hours putting up the alpha course sign..i hope it is still there

i also went to the pillinger wedding which was a lot of fun, i didnt really know anyone, so it was just a time to mingle and laugh...which is what i did. unfortunately sleep was disturbed by a snorer of ridiculous proportions! well he is paying for the room now!

um, so yeah, a few faith struggles still remain - apparently I just have to go in head first - all can say to that is eeeeeek right now!

i just want to say thank you for these two people for making the last month bearable for me...i feel like i have known you for much longer then i have had..here are some of our laughs!

this is on the ferry on the way back from taize - limited sleep for a week, and a 4am ferry, yet we still laughed till we wet ourselves and shared my throw for warmth...love you

and sleeping on daves shoulder for a lot of the journey home - twas quite comfy - even though they did mimick picking my nose!

oh, and i should also say thank you to the toilet cleaning crew - you were stars

hello
i am feeling a lot better now...i had a very emotional friday and saturday, but i am feeling better. saturday afternoon i had spent with babcia, we saw joseph and his technicolour dreamcoat, and we had fun beforehand, but she said some stuff that made me think, and when i got home, i thought, and thought, and yeah, it went downhill...damn thinking - its not good for me.
sunday, i went to church - much needed, had a chat with scripture after, popped to the shops, drove home, drove to my nans and drove home. my bro from madrid rang me for an age which was amazing - i love speaking to him, and so that was really good.
on monday, i picked up dave and susan and we voyaged to brommers, and we went wedding outfit shopping, as dave is off to a wedding, and so am i! i purchased a dress, and now i have two to choose from....we had a wonder and a chat, and i drove them back, arranging a time for the evening. i was in my element in the afternoon - making stuffed courgettes, cous cous salad, garlic bread and then angel delight cake for pud! dinner i should say went down a treat. dave and susan gave me empty plates in return...and we had good conversation and funness, and then drove them home, having a good God chat with Dave before letting him escape my car!
work today has been a bit of a chillsome day, but hey sometimes you get days like that!
three day week next week, and a haircut in my "lunch break"...very excited

so yeah, i still have many issues to overcome for me and God, but i now know i have some awesome support to help me
thanks guys
x

at the moment of writing this, i am in floods of tears. i have had such a hard week - work has been manic, and my emotions are going on over-drive, and at the moment i just feel so alone.
some people who are still close to me will probably know what is going on for me right now - others probably dont care. over the past year, i have had my ups and downs, but i have always tried to be the best friend i can to people - always, and just now, i feel used and it really hurts...it really does.
work provides a haven for me - somewhere i can just be professional for 9 hours, and then go home.
home becomes a stressful place
I am having God issues - i am trying to unmask, knock down barriers that i have had for almost ten years of my life, and this is so hard for me - actually now having to face what i have been putting off in my life - and it is scary and it hurts, and i am scared, and i dont know what to do.
i cant think anymore,
i guess in the future i just have to be more careful

i have had quite an emotional week this week - but hey ho - things go like that sometimes. It doesn't surprise me, as my promise to myself was to be more honest with myself and how i am feeling - so I am allowed to be down, and not cover it. It is helping...i need to get the nasty stuff out of my system. I need to get the people and the issues that are currently getting me down out of my way, so I can let the nice things in! new philosophy.

i had a lovely evening on thursday when i met a friend fo dinner - it was just what i needed - a good religion talk, and a good man problem talk. we are both having some troubles in some parts of our faith, and it is so helpful to have people to chat things through with...loved it.

have had a busy weekend, and it seems as if the dizzy/fainty spells are coming back again, as there have been a few times this weekend where I have had to stop what I have been doing to regain a bit of composure - was not liking that.
have also been doing some deanery duties today, so that should be coming along. this week is going to be a busy week, with the release of my report at work, and so we shall see how this one is taken - i cannot say too much -

have got new glasses (will be collecting them next week) - i have to wear them when using the computer...they have cost quite a bit but hopefully i will get my voucher from work to cover the vast majority of the bill - they already paid for the test - good old government! hopefully that should stop the headaches I have been getting...have to wear my old ones until nexy week though!
have a few people to be meeting with this week, keeping me very busy, some people i have not seen in a while, some i have seen recently - should be good stuff...

i am going to write a little bit more about taize - sorry if this bores people, but it has had a huge effect on me, and it is so important to me.
my taize day started at 7am...usually after a not a very much sleep as the tent was generally quite noisy. i made my way to the main site to wash, and then went to 7:30 am Catholic eucharist. that finished at 8, and then the main church was opened up for 8:15 morning prayer, that lasted until about 9. i then met up with the others, usually dave, matt and susan, and we queued up for breakfast...a bowl of hot chocolate, a bread roll and a stick of chocolate (sometimes 2 or 3 if you were lucky). after that it was chore time - cleaning the toilet block out by the church for me. then it was shower (after cleaning toilets it was needed). usually just chatted to randoms, dave, susan, and at 12:15 it was time for mid-day prayer. that went on to one, and then we queued for lunch. after lunch, we went to the lake/sat in the garden/did some quiet time...and at 3:15 we had a bible study/workshops/discussion groups - i went to the Luke workshops, and how it challenges us in our everyday lives. we then had taize tea at 5:15, and then had a break or optional workshops...i went to some on Christianity and Islam, Violence within us, we had a meeting with Brother Mark, and a meeting with the English groups with brother Paulo. tea was at 7pm, after which at 8:15 was evening prayer. after that we went to Oyak or did a prayer session, chatted, and did bible discussions. on thursday, Brother Aloisi did a reading of a letter to all the people in Taize. On friday there was a veneration of the cross - i wanted for ages to do this, and this was one of the most beautiful moments of my time out there. I felt such a release of emotion/pressures when i did this - it was a powerful moment of prayer and i feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to have done this. on saturday we had the candlelight service which was just beautiful, no words can describe this - it was just...(fill in appropriate word). usually, i would stay in the church for a while after evening prayer, i talked to some of the brothers of the community about some of my problems, some of the challenges that arose from the Bible discussions, and some of the emotions that were running through me. i would pray for a bit, and i spoke to the English Bishop about relationship problems, and things connected with that, and my greatest fears.

i met some amazing people - if i came out of the church crying, a random would come up and hug me. one day i went down to the lake, after having had a challenging bible group - i sat in one of the prayer shelters, and just cried...some people came up to me, hugged me, and said i could chat to them if i needed them....i became very close to two of the petts wood people, dave and susan - they began to read me very well. i was very open and honest with them, about my life, my faith and my worries. it was very rewarding and very open. i was able to cry when i wanted to, laugh when i wanted to, talk about my faith and not be shot down or questioned, sing songs, or worship songs, talk about loving God, and not get laughed at, but most of all I had the chance to develop my relationship with God which is something i most sincerely wanted to do.

Taize was such a small community, but the ability to find silence was amazing - i loved just being able to sit and have time to muself to read my Bible, and think a lot about what is going on in my life. and i did do a lot of thinking. i thought about the last few years - people who have made and broken me, friendships that i have developed, people i have met, what i have achieved, and what i want to do next - yes, some of these thoughts are still in my head, and some of the things that have happened in the last few weeks, have given me some answers. but now i have developed a relationship with God that is stronger then it has been for a while, I realise that some of these fears are passable, and even not really fears at all, and that to me was special.

i know that many people will not understand this, and i dont blame you, but this holiday was so special for me, for all the relationships that I made, the glimmer of hope that i received, and the little scratch that i began, that will soon get deeper so the real me can come out to more people, so they can get a greater understanding of me. i really have to thank everyone who went with me for the effect they had on me, and the friendship and the love and appreciation they showed me - what a blessed week it was.

i just have to say another thing about Taize - i have made some unbelievably close friends - and i have to say a huge thank you to both David and Susan who made my time out there so special, who looked after me, who cuddled me when i was crying, and who laughed with me when i laughed, and to david for giving me a shoulder and an arm to sleep on all the way back home. These two people have had a huge impact on my life in the last fortnight, and we contact each other everyday, and only go a few days without seeing each other. I pray that my relationship with these two can stay like this, as they have given me more support then they know.

Taize has a very special place in my heart, and I am very greatful for God, and the people there for that

i think i should do a quick update about Taize
it was in a word - brilliant. I had such an amazing time - and such a spiritual time. yes, it was very emotional, there is no getting away from that, and the fact you could just break down in tears at any time...but I think the point I have to make most whole heartedly is that my relationship with God did grew so much stronger. I really felt God work in me, and take away so many of my anxieties and worries. so much so, I am now on half of my dose of anti-depressants. it was like a huge weight had been removed from my shoulder, and i really have to praise God for that. I made some amazing friends....i really did. the group of us that went have all really bonded amazingly and i know that we will remain close for a long time. and we are going to go to Taize in Geneva for the New Years, and there will be many Taize times to have.

I really do thank God for everything...it was just such a blessed week.

Taize today!
am very excited, a wee bit nervous, but very excited...hope to meet some absolutely amazing people, and have some time for contemplation and just a wee bit of a relax

hopefully my contract will be extended after my appraisal yesterday...HR have to agree first...a strong business case has to be put in....but they are very happy with me, and told me not to look for a new job! i was pleased, and will be getting a wee bit of a payrise now! yay!

finished my court report, its off with vicky now to do her little section to it...she has received a 27 page monster from me! hehehehehe...was good having a wee little slam of the court system. we may have a very new interesting project in the pipeline now....just have to finalise the funding!

august in turning out to be a very busy month for me, work wise and social wise! should be fun!

better go to the shop and get coach food now....leaving in a matter of hours.

take care, and i will speak to you all on my return...will try not to leave it so long next time...have been very busy with work, youth club stuff and trying to sort out the bromley deanary!

have just finished packing - think i have taken way too much as per usual! but am ready for all weathers!
xxx

once again, it has been an absolute age since i have last blogged, but i have been very busy. work has been keeping me very much occupied. i am now writing up a comparison between the two magistrates courts i have been observing - its very hard. but qualitative analysis is taking ages. work has been very enjoyable, lots of laughs, and quite a few drinks after work recently...which i do love, but i do get annoyed when i am sometimes not allowed to buy a round! i am very glad that places are now smoke free - hurrah! i wont smell when i go out now! yay!

um, rain - obviously has made a huge impact on the country at the moment. luckily floods of the dramatic scenes that have been seen (see james' blog) have not happened in London - but we have had rain, and indeed we have also had bomb threats. on friday i didnt know that much about it on my way to work, but now i am getting quite scared about my commute into town - that is exactly what they want, and i hate that, but hey...i hope that it goes ok.

i have been doing some youth type stuff - yesterday i had a youth training and resources day - it was very good, very informative, and also introduced me to the people who rub breaking opeb the word which i am going to try and go to from now on, as it does sound fab! have meetings galore this week, another youth group one, and a taize meeting also! very very busy, but good!
met up with susannah recently - hadnt seen her for two years - crazy! but just great - was cool to see her, and nice catch up. so yeah...

um, rain broke off for long enough for me to do an hours run - am cream crackered now! but it was a good run - always what the doctors had ordered...and it is true - it makes me feel so much better, and the happy hormones do go like crazy. talking about that, my mood has been up and down. two things in particular are making me down, not wanting to divulge too much, a few people know what they are...one i think will get sorted, but the other, well i dont know at all.

anyways, enough for now
take care
xx

yet another week has passed before i have been able to blog...not much has changed. work has been very busy...saw an awful court last week, and could not believe that this was it - shocked me. have booked a meeting with vicky and steve tomorrow to talk about the court research we have done...vicky = very enthusiastic, steve = very enthusiastic...i wonder if i will be able to get a word in edge ways! oh man..never mind, we shall see. should be a good meeting though, and it will really help me with the project that I am currently doing so that is always good.

um, work has been fun...on monday it was catching fruit in the mouth thrown over from the other side of the office - oh yeah...blueberries were easier than orange segments, and i was trying to compose a proper email to steve at this point...obv it turned silly, but hey, work emails generally are.

i have been doing some SPSS training with Tania so that I can deal with the diversity requests that we are dealing with at the moment...i did one all on my own this afternoon - wohoo. yesterday i did one with supervision, i got a high five! made me smile.

my nan came over on sunday - said i was looking thin, which was good. my priest told me that taize had been booked - 11 of us going - yay, and i am now going to a youth training day which will be fun, so that i can help out in the parish. i did some running but it had to be on my trampoline as the weather was shit.

all in all things are very much samey. missing notts people, and some exeter people too, but hey, that is always the case. its been three weeks since something, and that has calmed me down which is nice, well not nice, but am getting there

it has been a bit of a strange week - i will try and explain. monday last week i left work late as we had some much needed work to finish, and as i was highly involved in it, i couldnt just go. on tuesday, i have to admit, even though i had so much work to do, and really had to concentrate when i was in court, i was thinking about what was happening after work - and that was i was meeting up with dan, who the week before had asked me out again. i was thinking about what to do an what to say for a long time. stayed at work later than usual as i was meeting dan quite near to work, and by the time i had met him, i had made up my decision. we had a drink, and skirted around the issue...but i said to him no. basically i saw it as a step back, and not a step forward, and with a crush on someone else i couldnt go out with him...and from what i have now been told about him, i am glad about the decision i made. i slept very well that night. on wednesday, i told work, and they were happy for me. to make up for tuesday i worked hard, but played hard too...and in the evening, Nigel, Ash and I went to the Duke for a quick drink, and four hours later we decided to go home...they made me laugh until i cried...the best type of laughing! thursday was court, but a normal day, until tania and i went to collect ants for our antfarm...friday, my brain was not working at all...tania, ash and i had a huge fucking laugh in the office, dares, stupid eyes, ant collecting, dancing, juggling - it was just really really silly! not much was done, but we had just had such a laugh! steve came up to see our antfarm - one of the only people we have told about it that actually likes the sound of it - and he was actually fascinated..he wouldnt put it down...it was so funny!

by the end of the day i was so tired...just laughing loads!

so my week was knackering, but by the end of the week i was a bit blue, which turned to very blue at the weekend. on sunday at our church was the first holy communion for 26 little 7-8 year olds, and i had a tear in my eye - it was beautiful..i remember my communion loads, and it was just so sweet - beautiful service....

today at work - i was grumpy - i told ash as soon as i got into the office - but he didnt mind - he is great like that...nigel noticed too - but they were happy when i showed them my popping candy and wham bars i had found them! at four this afternoon, Tania suggested the park, so we downed tools and went to the park...ash was very enthusiastic with my poi - resulting in them needing some love and care - we shall fix them tomorrow, nigel was perfecting his handstands, and then twisting me round on the swings...this is what 24-30 odd year old people do at work obviously! that made me feel better, and some other bits of information that I received today also made me feel a lot lot better about things! oh and a lopt of our ants have died, but we are going to start again

tomorrow, i have court, and then a busy day, and in the evening i am having a meal with some ex-monks and priests and the deanary forum....should be good, but it means that i have to leave work dead on 5! should be exciting!

well, that has been going on in the little world of me...we shall see what else will happen...my mind is relieved

ok
so this week of work had flown by, because i have had laughs - ash is back - hurrah! we have been sampling the delights of chocolate covered crisps (not so good), and just been having office fun, although i didnt do a dare they were desperately wanting me to do, even though the dare money was the highest it has ever been (£13.50), and i would have earnt a few points doing it also. my sweet-talking i did for steve was noted, and he said i should have a point, but my office said it could only come from them - robbed. we went out on wednesday night, just spur of the moment - as i found my trains home were cancelled, and so it was going to take me an age to get home, so i thought that i might make ot a bit longer...we had a lot of work drinking fun, with nigel trying to teach me magic tricks, and them finally realising that i do indeed have large hands for a girl. we also planned some summer lunch time fun, including frisbee on the street and park, juggling, football, and a sponsored run between the london buildings. on my eventual way home, i was thrown into a poetic whirlwind of confusion.

on friday at work, tania came in late in the afternoon, just as my brain was beginning to stop working completely, and i had a much needed girlie chat. she was telling me about the difference between american and british men, and sometimes that she found it really hard to relate to british men...she then asked me about my relationship status, which at the moment is very complicated, as well, lets just say that it is. anyway, i told her about a huge crush that i have at the moment, and admitted who it was. she found it very funny, as she thought that the person in question was gay! hehehehe! she understood my position very well, and understood that it sometimes could be a bonus, especially when it has been a slow day at work. so i have a lot of thinking to do over the next few days, but thanks to tania, my secret is out, and unlike other things in the office, this is going to stay between the two of us, otherwise my life would not be worth living (in the office anyway). but it was a big relief off my shoulders, and made me feel a lot lighter, which was very good. i did say a big thank you afterwards, and then helped her learn mack the knife for her drama class! and i may even have offered to help her find ants for her ant farm

we have had my ciocia from canada over for a few days this week which is nice, and she took the whole bajorek clan, and my babcia out for a meal which was lush. she is a lovely lady.

and on an end note, i have been covering a different court recently, and it has been much better, and justice is actually served! shock horror i know, but it was nice to see...and they even gave me a court list to have, so i knew what was going on. thanks camberwell!

well, as you read on saturday, i was feeling blue...well soon after that post, it got worse. i got so down, i basically made myself ill...not sick...well i was sick, but not like that. basically i had cried so much on saturday that i gave myself a huge migraine, my head felt like it was going to explode, and my eyes felt like they were being pushed out of my head. it was because of my migraine i was ill, it wasnt pretty...and well that was saturday evening - how i love bank-holiday weekends. yesterday, my mum for the first time in me having depression for about the past 7 years, said to me the word depression, and how worried she was about it all...that must have been a bit of a breakthrough for her i swear. and today, well i have no migraine, and i havent been crying...yet, but i am still not good.

i just feel let down by myself and other people. they probably dont even know who they are, but man...i have been so mucked around by so many people in my life, that i just cant stand it anymore. it hurts too much. people who know me, know that usually i put so much effort into everything, and that includes friendship, and on many times i just feel that i get slapped in the face. well i am not taking it anymore. if people want to treat my like shit, then they should not be surprised when it comes back at them. i cant be putting 100% into trying to maintain contact, and trying to be happy, and trying to do all i can to save things i once believed was worth saving anymore. i just dont physically have the mental strength to do it. its not fair, and its impossible.

i am not the strong, happy out-going person that everbody seems to think i am. gosh no. i am so weak, feeble, so unsure of myself, my looks, my personality, constantly critising every last little piece of me that you would not believe. i worry about me, i worry about those around me. i found my diary for nottingham last year...every paragraph was at the moment i am worried about people x, y and z. my friends meen everything to me, they kee me going more than people realise...so when something is up with them, i take it on personally aswell - i guess its lucky that i never did become a counsellor - i would not be able to get up for work in the morning would i?

anyways, that is it. i am a person who suffers from depression, and at the moment, things are not going exactly the way that i planned, but i know that i have to keep on going, and trying to resolve issues, and i am going to put 100% into making me better for a change.

at the moment i seem to have entered an incredibly down phase. i have spent most of today crying - even whilst shopping, and i just cant seem to pick myself up...there are a few things making me feel like this. work is the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment - as i always seem to be cheered up by the people around me, and i get appreciated for the work that i do, and the comments that i make. on thursday i had a hugely busy day at work - i had to run from court to work, and when i got in i bumped right into steve, and usually i would stop to chat, and i really wanted to, but i had 20 minutes to eat lunch and print out the documents that i needed for a meeting i was the minute maker at..me no time to talk - shows how busy i truly was. on firday i had to do steves dirty work, as he left the office early without contacting a member of my team...he rang in from the train..."zofia, ive been a fool", was very funny! have been really into my court work at the moment, and i am changing courts for the next month, so i will have to get to know the prosecutors all over again. i had to stand up in open court the other day and explain to the court what i was really doing there...eek! it was very nerve-racking! but i managed to blag my way into staying in court...thank goodness.

so, yeah, my work is really keeping me sane at the moment...the only thing that is actually doing that. home is making me go insane...am looking on flat share websites for places i can afford...but there are not that many. i want to stay aroundish this area as i am getting more involved in my church stuff, and i dont want to leave it in the lurch now i have got stuck in.

but, man, i really need a boost in the old happy hormone at the moment, as its not looking good at the moment. in fact, its the worse i have been in a bloody age, at a time when i thought that things were getting better for me as i had been feeling so much better. i have regressed about a year i reckon. have just done a 50 minute run as i think i have put on some weight, just as i had reached my target weight as well...so more exercising is going to have to happen to me to maintain that, and lose a little bit more as i still am not happy....but almost a stone lost now, so it is coming off slowly.

not much else to add. dixie chicks playing - good tune.

Wow - i never meant to leave it this long until i blogged...here we go!
the deanary meeting went really well from my perspective - i was the feedbacker from my group, so i managed to add a few of my things too! a few priests from around the area took my name so that i can get involved in things, and my priest asked my to do a write up for the parish news letter which i duly did, and even got a mention in church too! so that was all good!

work has been going..my work remit seems to have grown, but i dont mind...i have been having a laugh with people, and steve came up last week too, and we had a good chat, and he met my new boss! he was much liked by my office - not hard really as he is so easy to get on with! court is becoming very interesting...i have prosecutors throwing info at me, just wanting to get a lot of stuff off their chest, which is brilliant for my research. today 36 cases in less than three hours - how can that be providing justice? my question exactly? one more day at thames magistrates, then i start at camberwell - i feel like a dirty women cheating on my court...i have become quite attached to thames court 7!

my weekend was good, it was dans birthday so i met up with him, and his new teacher friends (i was the only one who didnt really know people), but it was really good. i was able to mingle and fit in well, his friends, and even him were lovely, and a good time was had by all! i had to leave earlier then the others to run for my last train home, so i missed dan getting thrown out - it doesnt surprise me as he had to drink everything we got him - it wasnt pretty!

and well...things are just going on, i am having a bit of fun, and a laugh, and just plodding on....now i have to go and get some stuff ready for work tomorrow!