packing....
you would have thought that i would be amazing at this seeing I had to do it so many times in Africa when we were doing trpis to other parts of the Lesotho, and since being back I have spent days at various other locations - but i always find it such a terrible task. I know that i can live in 4 pairs of trousers for four months, so it is for reasons beyond my knowledge that I feel that three pairs of trousers and two skirts, and my wedding outfit, and various other tops wont get me through my few days in Hull. really zosia its very silly. but i cant do without my hair-straightners and hair-dryer, and then there are also some silly pressies in there for some of you....
but hate packing lots, always feel like i have forgotton something...wedding presents are packed - thats important...and hat, well that just has to be carried, along woth sleeping bag and train food!

oh wordy word

just to say...

..that i am so glad that i got the herbal sleeping tablets because for the first time in an absolute age I managed a decent nights sleep...am still tired as i have loads of lost sleep to catch up on, but i slept last night, and the world is a jolly place again (well the last bit may not be completely true but hey)

I feel like....
....my feet never touch the ground for five minutes at the moment...i am always so busy its untrue, and i am so tired as I cant sleep ever, and oh its just a bit too much of an oh.
so this weekend was the hen weekend...i would recommend paint-balling for anyone who enjoys getting very big bruises and lumps on various parts of their body. It is so painful its untrue, I was lucky as i am a whimp, and when my team talked tactics (too many men full of testosterone - oh yeah both Dav and Peter had members of the opposite sex on their hen/stag dos), my tactic was literally hide behind a tree as going infront of people with these guns was painful - i would be very crap in an army situation for sure.
the assault course was more to my taste - it was very hard but very fun, it was all about working together as a team, and it was really good, although the crawling under tunnels have left me with bruised and battered knees...sob sob, i hope that they go down soon.
then off to a campsite to shower and cahnge, and then into Richmond for a night on the very very very small yorkshire dale town. We went to an Indian restaurant (mrs Hepworth kindly paid for my meal), where i found out that one of Davs work colleagues was an exeter graduate at the same time i was - we get everywhere - i met one in Lesotho too! After this and when all the adults including granny has left we went to a club called the Fleece, and danced the night away. Luckily it was only Dav who we eventuall made do the scavenger hunt, and i didnt really want to tell my brother how well she did! It was a good night, and Harriet was planner extraordinaire, even gave us oarty bags with rather rude things in!
then we taxis it back to the barn where we had more wine and food, and danced on the benches, as Ed would put it "bastrad dancing", and at 3:30 a walk on one of the hills in the dales was suggested and so the ones who had not gone to bed went, and got very stung by stinging nettles on the way. by 5 i was eventually in bed, and at 10:30 i was having a bridesmaid dress ftting, where i was told i looked too brown 9my tan has faded loads too), and Rebecca the dress maker managed to exclaim (even your feet are brown). back to Richmond we went for a greasy lunch, and then everyone went home, aart from me, I went back to the Hepworths I had another dress fitting yesterday and finally arrived home yesterday evening - Peter kindly waited for me after work, and collected me from Kings cross station!
Today I have been shopping for the weddings, for shoes and bags (i have horrid shoes for Peter and Davs wedding, so got very pretty ones for the reception), shoes for James and Ellas wedding, my pashmina/scarf thing, and wrapping paper for the pressies. I also got Peter and Dav their present - i got off the list...
but only one more day here then I am off to Hull...i am so tired. I am not sleeping at all and its getting me really down, and so i have got some sleeping herbal stuff, so that I can at least try and get a good nights sleep. am tryin to find out how we get to the accomodation we at from Hull station - this will be fun, my sense of direction s not to be desired.

i just dont know whether i am coing or going at the moment. I still havnt had a chnace to finish my Lesotho diary, and to think about what has happened to me over the last five months - and a lot has happened, and i really need to think about it all, and see what was nd wasnt my fault, and what i have to do, and how i have to keep some things, and chnage others....and i havnt even strated to think about ym masters degree that i will be starting soon either.

i wish that i could just sleep one night and then maybe things may start to get better for me, and then hopefully, i will be able to put things into perspective

I am quite scared...

...and i think justifiably...on saturday i have a hen night, for Dav (Peter - my brothers fiance), and i knew that we were going to be paint-balling,and doing an army assault course (this is an assault on my bank-balance!), but i didnt know about this until five minutes ago when I innocently checked my email:

SCAVENGER HUNT

Drink a shot with each colour of the rainbow

Blag a free drink from the barman

Kiss a man’s bald spot and leave lipstick marks

Obtain a pair of boxer shorts

Get a photo of you behind the bar

Find the guy with the weirdest thing in his pocket

Get a guy to serenade you

Get five men’s business cards

Get a photo of you with a redheaded guy

Request Agadoo from the DJ

Dance with a married man

Have a guy give you a picture of his girlfriend

Get a guy to give you a piggy back

I did a find the lost sheep on camp in Lesotho, but that was more like finding a fisherman, or a nun, or a baby, or a taxi man....this however is a bit more daunting, and I am quite scared! oh well...am going to buy some hen night stuff tomorrow then, Alex (Dav's sister) has got some stuff, and makes me feel quite bad that I havnt!

hmm....am finding England quite strange...like when i went to the pub the other night (complete light-weight now, one glass of wine and I am gone), i felt guilty about having a drink, and I know thats more me then it is England, but our culture is a lot more lets meet and have a drink, rather then lets just meet which is what it was in Lesotho. and i know that maybe i should not do the endless comparisons, but hey its all I can think about. I miss all the small little things, like just having people call me Ausi Nthabiseng, and giving Rarisen and Khotatso a cuddle, and seeing little baby Josefa, who if i could have taken, would be right here with me now. I just feel guilty about giving myself a pamper, i managed 4 and a bit months wothout it, so why do i change now. Obviously there are things that I do enjoy again, like having instant contact with people (have had some very good chats with people), and seeing my nan, and having the freedom to drive, but then I miss the tranquility I did have in the evenings (when i wasnt worrying myself stupidly about whether people will still like me at home, and whether people will accept me back), and just the huge amount of time that I spent with God out there, and having 4 other girls in the room to pray with when i needed it. That is a huge change, and I really miss that fellowship that we built with each other, that was amazing.

oh well...
what started off as an Im scared about the hen-night post, as I am cos I am nto used to doing things like this anymore, and I just cant take drink, has turned into something very deep - obviuosly, a lot needed to come out, and there is still a lot more in there.

finding a wedding outfit...

...is not as simple as you would think. There are lots of nice clothes on the market at the moment, dont get me wrong, but they are all very casual - tops you would wear with jeans to a pub kindof outfit, not going to a wedding kindof outfit, and when you want to look nice but smartish also, its very hard to find something suitable. Well I have fiunally gotton myself a dress from Monsoon - iys not a ball dress dont worry, its kindof a nice summer dress, with 60's stylee purple flowers on it - it looks much nicer then i have just described it...and i also got a hat to go with it - that was my mums doing - try it on she kept on saying, and i kept on resisiteing saying that I look awful in hats, but then i put it on, and it looked ok, and so she basically forced me into buying a hat! just have to get a shawl/pashmina type thing to match it now, for when it gets cool in the evening/or if its a cooler day, and to cover up my shoulders in the church (dress is a halter neck)...oh yeah and bags and shoes...

was also warned by my brothers fiance that when I have my dress fitted for their wedding, i MUST wear the underwear that I will be wearing on the day, so teh dress can be fitted around it...which meant more shopping!

but my outfit for James and Ella's wedding has my nans approval (she has good taste has my nan), and so I am happy!

hello blog!

I am back! yep over four months have passed, and i am back....

i should however start my post like this - Lumellah Ntate - o pela jhuane? Ke pela hankley, kealeboha, buena o pela juan? oh sharp!

you see, learnt a bit of sesotho whilst in the old Africa - well you would have hoped so after living there for four months

well most of the people who read this are on my email list and so you kind0f know a lot of what i have been up to in the last few months...its gone so quickly and i have been able to experience so much its stupid...it had its ups and downs, and unfortunately my depression came back with a big fat fist in the face. i was so low at one point, i really did just feel like giving up and coming back home...i was just being undermined and it attacked my confidence...i felt so useless, i felt worthless and just felt like everything was going wrong...i felt like that no matter how hard i tried nothing seemed to be going right, and i felt that i had let everyone down...it was horrid. but then as someone told me, God knows our limits, and he manged to change the situation for me, and the person that made me feel like this was sent home from the mission, and the whole team turned around completely...we fully relied on God and put our trust in Him, and the work that we achieved was just amazing, and the team just got on amazingly well, and when it came to leaving, we just didnt want to. an we all cried a ridiculous amount!

I will talk about some of the things that we did on various other blogs i just wanted to get my initial impressions of things since getting back down. Well, I am very worried that i wont fit into friendship groups that I left behind again...a lot can and probably has happened in four months of which I have not been a part, and I feel that people have grown closer together, and i am very out of this. I also hope that people will accept the changes that have happened in me...i have changed, i have had to, adapting is so important, and i think that I have changed in a good way, and i just hope that people accept that. I hope that people are not disappointed with the fact that my depression has come back...i really didnt want it to happen - its not as bad as it was before i went to Africa, or how it was when i was in Africa, but its still here, there is still so much i dislike about myself, and i find it so hard to find anything positive about myself its untrue, and i really do feel like a failure.... Africa is just an amazing country...it may not be econmically rich, but it is so rich in culture, and love that its just amzing - we westerners have so much to learn from these people. they give everything that they have to give, unlike us take take people, they are so welcoming, so loving and so friendly. they make time for people and things, its not all here and now. and these are things that are so important. I have seen some really horrible sights, and its really upset me on a few occassions, sometimes I really dont understand why these things can happen, i have heard some horrid stories about how some children have been treated, and i have smelt some revolting conditions which people have to live, but thats the thing, these people do live, and they make the best out of it. But what was really amzing is the richness in their faith...they have so much trust and faith in God over everything..some of it is very charismatic which scared me a bit as I have never reallyu experieneced things like that, but the faith that people had was truly inspiring.

as i have said, i have so much stuff buzzing about in my head, its very hard to work out what is important and what isnt...

i just want to thank God for an amzing four months that I am always going to have in my memories...i learnt so much, and i have so much to be thankful for, and i hope that i dont bore people with my endless stories and tales that i have. i really hope that people accept me back, and trust in me still...i really hope that people i thought of as my friends are still there for me, and will get me through the highs and lows i am already experiencing on my return. I also thank my 7 other team mates for making the mission the amazing time it was. really without the lows that we had, we woud not have expeienced the most amzing high that we did as a team, to show the true potential and love that we have for each other....i love you all!

oh oh oh de Lesotho....

rapella hankle

Nthabiseng (will make you happy...my Sesotho name)

so long dear blog and blog readers...

ok my blog may be a bit queit for the enxt four months, as as you have read i am off to Afrcia now....so i may not gte to update it for a while...but never mind! i will attempt to keep in touch i other ways! so long everyone...good luck to everyone in their final years, and good luck to everyone else in general...may you all have a good easter and term, and stuff and take care


lots of love to you all my dears...m,ay God bw with you all, and pray for me in Africa so that i can get through this wonderful experience!

zosh
xxxxx

this was meant to be written yesterday...

....but yesterday was very hectic, so its a day late...BUT its been five months and one day since i have taken any medictaion for my depression! and do you know what...in those last few months there have been many many many mnay many many many many many many many many many many things that could have got me back onto them, but i have decided against them, and to tackle the problem head on, and at the moment im dead chuffed.

well...one thing is still stopping me being extremely chuffed, and if that person is reading this, then i hope that they have taken note of my blog a few posts ago, cos i want it sorted before i go away to africa, and thats only one week now...

and we (well Cathy from my team!) is getting Lesotho shirst printed for us - how mega is that (i think that i am far more excited about that then i should in fact be!)

hmmm - i was just proud of myself for once, and its not that often when i am happy with me for something that I have done, but i am today, and i wanted to blog it, so others can share that with me...and for people who lived with me this time last year will know that I was truly in a bit of a state, well they can now see that i am taking it slowly, but have taken those promising first few steps.....

mega exciting!

today, i went into my emails, just thinking i would have nothing - but i have received the most amazing email, giving details of the work that I will be doing in Africa - and its mega mazing....we have an orientation week, of which one evening in an introduction to regional music with DJ Waza! - i mean how fab!...we have an intorduction evening where we get a new name (as if i need another name - but we get a Sesotho name), we get a guided tour of Maseru (the capital of Lesotho where SU is based, and where we will be camped for a lot of our trip), we get a traditional Basotho meal, we get to learn some Sesotho (could be useful), to visit the churches we will be going to and training anf debriefing, and meeting the SU staff and a lot of training! All in one week!

in march have an introduction with the school we will be wrking at, day visits to places, we have easter, and a drama workshop.

April is a lot of school works , but we have free time too (and the girls last year said school work was in the mornign, and so you can do orphangae work in the afternoon).

In May there is school work, and cell group work, and then training days, and two days holiday (saturdays are always free for us to do what we want)

June just sounds fab - we have a village experience for a week, camp preparation, and we get to inspect the campsite, we then get our weeks holiday, we then have a conferenceand at the end of the month, we have the School camp.

Then July, we have the holiday bible club, farewell, and then we are back home....

so thats a brief thing of what we are doing, and how cool does it sound...am very excited, but very nervous too...it all looks good, but i am scared that i wont be as good as I could be...or as good as people think that I should be...i suppose i am just a bit anxious about it all, but it looks like we are well cared for, and the fact that they have it planned for us, just shows how much they care, and for what i should be truly thankful for i suppose....

anyways, just thought that I should share that all with you, cos i have been banging on about my Africa trip for some time, and i thought that I should tell you a bit about what i will be doig out there, and now i hav emy timetable, what better time is there for that!

love you all
zosh
x

Good news!

Well first things first...on sunday i went to dinner in london with Liz (Andrew's girlfriend), and Dav (Peter's fiance), cos we only get to see each other when my two brothers are also there, and so we decided that we should have a girlie evening...and Dav has been collecting these vouchers where we could get a meal out in London at a very reduced price. So on Sunday to Victoria i went to meet Dav and Liz, and we went to a lovely restaurant, which served traditional English food, and the drinks that you could get were mainly Traditional ciders - it was goooood. my meal without the vouchers should have been £14 without alcohol, my meal with alcohol was £7! bonus! a good evening was had by all, apart from the scary train ride home due to scary drunk men on a sunday night, but i just stare them out...have got used to drunk people on trains when i came home from work late, but this was a different route i was taking.....


anyways, my really good news is - and i kindof hinted it a few days ago, but i have now got the official confirmation letter is that i have been accepted to do my post-grad. I have kept this a bit quiet on my blog for fear i would not get it, and then have egg on my face...but Nottingham University have accepted me to do their MSc in Occupational Psychology! and they rejected me for my original degree, so to get in now is just fab - i didnt even have to have an interview or anything! so it is all very exciting, and a big wieght off my mind to find out before i go to Africa...

ah...Africa...i think that I have sent most of you my address now...if i havnt then tell me and I will send it to you, as i would truly love post when i am out there...and if anyone has any good photos of me and them, or of any Cathsoc events, or of any of my recent trips down could they email me them, so i can print them off and take them...

finally i found this the other day on a notebook, so i am using that notebook as my diary for Africa - "be the change you want to see in the world" (ghandi)...how lovely is that?

Its snowing!

its snowing and its very exciting as it seems to be settling too! i am very excited!

had some very funny text messages last night..."ps - i am very intoxicated" but i had to stop texting for fear i may have my phone stolen as was on a train home from London, with a scary man sittign near me....

but its snowing and is very exciting...

will tell more of why i went to london later on....

i have to watch the snow...

i love snow

exciting...

i feel that i should say a few thank yous to everyone who kindly looked after me, and met up with me on my last hectic visit to Exeter. Tessa and Rachel, thanks for a lovely thursday morning...you both have lovely houses (very clean, I was very impressed), and i had a lovely time catching up with your news, and just having a chat in general - and Tessa - you are a great spotter to have around (i think you might know about who i am talking about here - what a lovely view that was!!!) To Amy and Ali, thanks for a lovely saturday lunch and chat - it was like the first and second year all over again - the trio re-united...it was just fab seeing you again, and for you both to be so happy, just makes me happy. And Amy it was wicked seeing you again my love, miss you tonnes, and it makes me so happy that you are still happy, and have the things that you want. To Kat and Claire...wow it was ages since i last saw you guys, but it was great to see you - just as chirpy and as funny and as lovely as i remember - good luck girlies...To Ed and hid housemate Hannah (who i had met before, and looked after in my Freshers Week - i made her a bed out of shower curtains!!!), thanks for a lovely saturday night, and Ed thanks for the meal, it was very yummy. To Lisa - i always have a bed to lay my weary head on! To the Chaplaincy for sponsoring me - wow thanks guys thats a lot of help, and thanks for putting up with my singing once again...will miss that place. To James, Ella, Mark, the Ben' s and Norris - well guys thanks as always for making me laugh and feel welcome, and providing a house so close to shops, and the chaplaincy, and a house that is generally great to bum in! you're all so lovely and just thanks guys....and to anyone who i forgot i am sorry...but i just love it down there, and i am always made to feel so welcome. I will miss you all, and will forward my address soon, so when i am feeling lonely under the African skies, I hope that I will have your letters to cheer me up, and remind me of home.

and ben - the les mis was a lovely surprise and cheered me up no end - continue going to seminars - its all good in the end.

well i have had some exciting news, but i am going to wait for the official confirmation before i blog what it is cos i dont want to tempt fate - but it is very exciting and I am very happy about it...and as soon as i get confirmation than i will tell you what it is...

the other day my bros took me out for a goodbye meal in London without the parents so that we could have a good sibling chat. it was a really good evening, and I will miss my brothers so much when i go. And tonight I am going to dinner with their girlfriends - so that should be quite interesting...

and i went to my nans yesterday and what she said was like music to my ears "Zosia, I think that you have lost weight - you are looking thinner!" - hurrah! thats what i like to hear - and my nan only speaks the truth...

and well, i have been feeling a bit down recently, there is so much going on at the mo, its untrue, but i am getting there, and trying the best that I can to be a friend to everyone who needs me at the mo, and if I fail at that then I am sorry, but I am trying my hardest. we all have our off days, and our on days, but i try my best to be there for anyone who needs me, and i really hope that I can give the word friend the justice that it deserves.

and lastly, can you all pray for my team...they are Cathy, Hannah, Jenny, Jo, Greg, Tim and Crispin, and we all need to look out for each other,... at the mo can we all pray for Jenny who has just lost her grandad, and that happening to her just makes the situation with my grandad so real to me, that he might not be here when i get back, and I am very very scared about that.

take care all of you

HERE WE GO:

I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.

I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart

HERE WE GO:

I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.

I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart

HERE WE GO:

I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.

I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart

will blog more about exeter soon, when i have stopped feeling tearful and ugh, and can think a bit more rationally...my exeter dream had to come to an end sometime...maybe this highlighted that fact.

will blog all about it soon, cos i did have some wonderful times over the last few days...but at the moment one not so nice event is blurring everything and i want and need time to think a bit more clearly

Exeter bound...

in a few hours timne i will be leaving for Exeter to see many wonderful people and say goodbye to them all...have some of thursday already booked with Rachel and Tessa, and hopefully i will see James and Ella too, and Mark, and everyone really - looking forward to it all!

Left work on friday...will write more about it all later, but it was very sad and teary, and they spoilt me rotten which was just loevly...

just been to an Ash wednesday mass, and it was the o0ne that the primary school go to ( we used to go to Mass every Wednesday morning at Primary School)...anyways, i went to speak to the head teacher, as she taught me in my last year of school! that wsa funny - she didnt recognise me at first, but then she did, she went "Zosia, of Andrew, Peter and Zosia"...yes I know sad isnt it...to be remembered by your siblings! but it was nice seeing her again...i miss primary school...

anyway, must search train times to Victoria so i can get mu coach...

and ps - pray for me, ahve juts found out that I am team-leader for Lesotho, and its a hell of a lot of responsibility!

I feel that I have neglected my blog recently, but nothing much interesting in my life has happened - i get up, work, go home, eat, and go to bed...really thats it! I have been doing all I can to raise some money for my trip (heard the final cost today - thats £2800 - eeek!), and i did a 33 hour fast (it was a 24 hour fast, but i did it midn0ght-midnight, so all the other hours made it 33), and have been sending out press releases and what not, to advertise my trip, and its all just ARGH...i cant believe that I am actually doing it, i have this surreal feeling and its crazy!

I have one week of work left, thank goodness, its been a bit hectuic, and i am very tired, as i am not sleeping very well. This last week I was training the person that they had brought in to replace me, but she was truly awful....was not getting it at all, and by Friday i lost all patience, especially when she said to me "its so simple, and i is just not getting it, innit?" - I mean I didnt let her get to the phone for fear she would speak to the solicitors like that down the phone....innit after everything...it was so annoiyng...but i am afraid she is not to be taken onto next week - they have to get somebody new in - irreplacable is what i am!

have been feeling up and down in general. like last night for instance, i was fine, i was wastchig telly with my brother and hid fiance, and the next minute i was just in tears, and i dont know why - i just had to leave and cried it all out of my system - i just dont understand why that happened at all...i thought that i was doing a hell of a lot better than that, and i was more controlled but evidently crying spurts are how its going at the moment - its so bizarre, to feel fie one minute, and be crying uncontrollably the next.

last weekend i was in the yorkshire dales as i was being fitted for my bridesmaid dress - its blue silk with blue chiffon on the bustiere, and going round the back, and should look very pretty when it is completed! i met the two other bridesmaid (Dav's sister and best-friend) and also met my bro's in-laws...it was agood weekend, btu very tiring, as we also booked the barn dance and disco, arranged the catering, the flowers, Dav's wedding dress, the hall, and met the vicars and priests...so it was all very busy but got a hell of a lot done.

but thats all for now...oh i have had lots of jabs....have had 2 Hep B jabs (one more to go), 2 rabies jabs (one more to go), typhoid, and Hep A, and my arm has been very painful, and i have had a few side-affects from having them all done so quickly, but hey better safe than sorry is how i see it - and luckily they only made me pay for rabies, and i got that for £100, so I have saved some money there.

will be done in Exeter soon to see Exeter peeps. and looking forward to it, but it will be very sad too, as I miss you guys loads - i feel very out of it all here, and I am sure that I will be very sad when i leave - i always am, as you are all so kind, and have helped me battle on more than youcan ever begin to imagine, and for that I am very greatful....

love you all my lovelies

Hello!
busy busy busy...habe been busy at work, busy at home just busy. have changed my post-grad ideas so am having to re-do application forms (am now wanting to do taught cause and not reseasrch degree), ahve been at work - very busy as the beginning of the month always is, let alone haing ten days off over christmas (well bank holidays did us good this year), and looking after nan and grandad, and generally living life, and then sorting out africa. we are having a team "debate" at the mo, which is taking our mind off the whole reason for going out which is a bit disappointing, but i hope things will sort themselves out soon (the debate is about what to do in our weeks holiday at the end of four months volunteeing)

just to say that I have just booked my coach to say bye to all you lovely ex people (£2 return - how crazy is that! - and its not megabus!)...and Ella, i will be able to see you - yay!

this time in two months I will be on a plane to Africa - crazy!

i hope everyone is doing well
xxx

Well, it has been a hard christmas so far as i predicted. On Christmas eve itself, I had to do half a days work, which i thoguht sucked as Polish people think that this day is the most important of the festival. In the evening, as is tradition we went to our ans for something called Wigilia, which is the evening, and we eat 12 different dishes (we fast for the rest of the day). now my grandad was no up for anything - he ahsnt been for ages, he looked quite bas actually, and we ended up hoisting him to bed, and then the carers came to change and clean him later. My nan was crying, then her brother who lives in Canada rang, and she was so upset. I was so tearful it was untrue - i went to hide, but my nan found me...we had a cry together - my mum then found me, and asked what was wrong...the thing is, i have found this week so hard, and its been one of the first weeks, where i have actually held my anti-d's in my hand with the intention of taking them again...i havnt yet - i have been string in that way, but weak in the way that I have been wanting to take the,...anyways, after we went to midnight mass, which is always a beautiful thing to do at christmas.

christmas day was a quiet affair in my house, as there were only four of us,m as one bro is spneding the christmas with his girlfriend and her family (the brother who is NOT getting married just yet ironically!) so i went to my nans to see how she was, and then went for a walk with my mum, and then we had christmas lucnh. after i was knackered, having done a 40 hour working week, getting up early and going to bed late, and so just kindof reaxed in the evening.

Today I have gotton up to go to church, and then went for a looooong walk....then my mum and i went to my nans, my grandad was asleep a lot of the time, the carers came to wake him up, and clean and change him, and hoist him into his chair, where we then fed him a cup of coffee (yes we feed him coffee with thickener, cos he cant swallow any other way cos he will choke - no swallowing reflex), and then we came home...am now just chilling am very tired, and just not feeling myself...or maybe this is myself and i am still ill - i just dont know anymore, but whatever it is, I am not happy, always feeling tearful, and just feel extremely alone.

Merry Christmas everyone, and may all your dreams come true in the new year