so long dear blog and blog readers...
ok my blog may be a bit queit for the enxt four months, as as you have read i am off to Afrcia now....so i may not gte to update it for a while...but never mind! i will attempt to keep in touch i other ways! so long everyone...good luck to everyone in their final years, and good luck to everyone else in general...may you all have a good easter and term, and stuff and take care
lots of love to you all my dears...m,ay God bw with you all, and pray for me in Africa so that i can get through this wonderful experience!
zosh
xxxxx
I am PhD Student...I like gin. I am getting over a tough few years, and I talk about Taize a lot.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Saturday, February 26, 2005
this was meant to be written yesterday...
....but yesterday was very hectic, so its a day late...BUT its been five months and one day since i have taken any medictaion for my depression! and do you know what...in those last few months there have been many many many mnay many many many many many many many many many many things that could have got me back onto them, but i have decided against them, and to tackle the problem head on, and at the moment im dead chuffed.
well...one thing is still stopping me being extremely chuffed, and if that person is reading this, then i hope that they have taken note of my blog a few posts ago, cos i want it sorted before i go away to africa, and thats only one week now...
and we (well Cathy from my team!) is getting Lesotho shirst printed for us - how mega is that (i think that i am far more excited about that then i should in fact be!)
hmmm - i was just proud of myself for once, and its not that often when i am happy with me for something that I have done, but i am today, and i wanted to blog it, so others can share that with me...and for people who lived with me this time last year will know that I was truly in a bit of a state, well they can now see that i am taking it slowly, but have taken those promising first few steps.....
....but yesterday was very hectic, so its a day late...BUT its been five months and one day since i have taken any medictaion for my depression! and do you know what...in those last few months there have been many many many mnay many many many many many many many many many many things that could have got me back onto them, but i have decided against them, and to tackle the problem head on, and at the moment im dead chuffed.
well...one thing is still stopping me being extremely chuffed, and if that person is reading this, then i hope that they have taken note of my blog a few posts ago, cos i want it sorted before i go away to africa, and thats only one week now...
and we (well Cathy from my team!) is getting Lesotho shirst printed for us - how mega is that (i think that i am far more excited about that then i should in fact be!)
hmmm - i was just proud of myself for once, and its not that often when i am happy with me for something that I have done, but i am today, and i wanted to blog it, so others can share that with me...and for people who lived with me this time last year will know that I was truly in a bit of a state, well they can now see that i am taking it slowly, but have taken those promising first few steps.....
Thursday, February 24, 2005
mega exciting!
today, i went into my emails, just thinking i would have nothing - but i have received the most amazing email, giving details of the work that I will be doing in Africa - and its mega mazing....we have an orientation week, of which one evening in an introduction to regional music with DJ Waza! - i mean how fab!...we have an intorduction evening where we get a new name (as if i need another name - but we get a Sesotho name), we get a guided tour of Maseru (the capital of Lesotho where SU is based, and where we will be camped for a lot of our trip), we get a traditional Basotho meal, we get to learn some Sesotho (could be useful), to visit the churches we will be going to and training anf debriefing, and meeting the SU staff and a lot of training! All in one week!
in march have an introduction with the school we will be wrking at, day visits to places, we have easter, and a drama workshop.
April is a lot of school works , but we have free time too (and the girls last year said school work was in the mornign, and so you can do orphangae work in the afternoon).
In May there is school work, and cell group work, and then training days, and two days holiday (saturdays are always free for us to do what we want)
June just sounds fab - we have a village experience for a week, camp preparation, and we get to inspect the campsite, we then get our weeks holiday, we then have a conferenceand at the end of the month, we have the School camp.
Then July, we have the holiday bible club, farewell, and then we are back home....
so thats a brief thing of what we are doing, and how cool does it sound...am very excited, but very nervous too...it all looks good, but i am scared that i wont be as good as I could be...or as good as people think that I should be...i suppose i am just a bit anxious about it all, but it looks like we are well cared for, and the fact that they have it planned for us, just shows how much they care, and for what i should be truly thankful for i suppose....
anyways, just thought that I should share that all with you, cos i have been banging on about my Africa trip for some time, and i thought that I should tell you a bit about what i will be doig out there, and now i hav emy timetable, what better time is there for that!
love you all
zosh
x
today, i went into my emails, just thinking i would have nothing - but i have received the most amazing email, giving details of the work that I will be doing in Africa - and its mega mazing....we have an orientation week, of which one evening in an introduction to regional music with DJ Waza! - i mean how fab!...we have an intorduction evening where we get a new name (as if i need another name - but we get a Sesotho name), we get a guided tour of Maseru (the capital of Lesotho where SU is based, and where we will be camped for a lot of our trip), we get a traditional Basotho meal, we get to learn some Sesotho (could be useful), to visit the churches we will be going to and training anf debriefing, and meeting the SU staff and a lot of training! All in one week!
in march have an introduction with the school we will be wrking at, day visits to places, we have easter, and a drama workshop.
April is a lot of school works , but we have free time too (and the girls last year said school work was in the mornign, and so you can do orphangae work in the afternoon).
In May there is school work, and cell group work, and then training days, and two days holiday (saturdays are always free for us to do what we want)
June just sounds fab - we have a village experience for a week, camp preparation, and we get to inspect the campsite, we then get our weeks holiday, we then have a conferenceand at the end of the month, we have the School camp.
Then July, we have the holiday bible club, farewell, and then we are back home....
so thats a brief thing of what we are doing, and how cool does it sound...am very excited, but very nervous too...it all looks good, but i am scared that i wont be as good as I could be...or as good as people think that I should be...i suppose i am just a bit anxious about it all, but it looks like we are well cared for, and the fact that they have it planned for us, just shows how much they care, and for what i should be truly thankful for i suppose....
anyways, just thought that I should share that all with you, cos i have been banging on about my Africa trip for some time, and i thought that I should tell you a bit about what i will be doig out there, and now i hav emy timetable, what better time is there for that!
love you all
zosh
x
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Good news!
Well first things first...on sunday i went to dinner in london with Liz (Andrew's girlfriend), and Dav (Peter's fiance), cos we only get to see each other when my two brothers are also there, and so we decided that we should have a girlie evening...and Dav has been collecting these vouchers where we could get a meal out in London at a very reduced price. So on Sunday to Victoria i went to meet Dav and Liz, and we went to a lovely restaurant, which served traditional English food, and the drinks that you could get were mainly Traditional ciders - it was goooood. my meal without the vouchers should have been £14 without alcohol, my meal with alcohol was £7! bonus! a good evening was had by all, apart from the scary train ride home due to scary drunk men on a sunday night, but i just stare them out...have got used to drunk people on trains when i came home from work late, but this was a different route i was taking.....
anyways, my really good news is - and i kindof hinted it a few days ago, but i have now got the official confirmation letter is that i have been accepted to do my post-grad. I have kept this a bit quiet on my blog for fear i would not get it, and then have egg on my face...but Nottingham University have accepted me to do their MSc in Occupational Psychology! and they rejected me for my original degree, so to get in now is just fab - i didnt even have to have an interview or anything! so it is all very exciting, and a big wieght off my mind to find out before i go to Africa...
ah...Africa...i think that I have sent most of you my address now...if i havnt then tell me and I will send it to you, as i would truly love post when i am out there...and if anyone has any good photos of me and them, or of any Cathsoc events, or of any of my recent trips down could they email me them, so i can print them off and take them...
finally i found this the other day on a notebook, so i am using that notebook as my diary for Africa - "be the change you want to see in the world" (ghandi)...how lovely is that?
Well first things first...on sunday i went to dinner in london with Liz (Andrew's girlfriend), and Dav (Peter's fiance), cos we only get to see each other when my two brothers are also there, and so we decided that we should have a girlie evening...and Dav has been collecting these vouchers where we could get a meal out in London at a very reduced price. So on Sunday to Victoria i went to meet Dav and Liz, and we went to a lovely restaurant, which served traditional English food, and the drinks that you could get were mainly Traditional ciders - it was goooood. my meal without the vouchers should have been £14 without alcohol, my meal with alcohol was £7! bonus! a good evening was had by all, apart from the scary train ride home due to scary drunk men on a sunday night, but i just stare them out...have got used to drunk people on trains when i came home from work late, but this was a different route i was taking.....
anyways, my really good news is - and i kindof hinted it a few days ago, but i have now got the official confirmation letter is that i have been accepted to do my post-grad. I have kept this a bit quiet on my blog for fear i would not get it, and then have egg on my face...but Nottingham University have accepted me to do their MSc in Occupational Psychology! and they rejected me for my original degree, so to get in now is just fab - i didnt even have to have an interview or anything! so it is all very exciting, and a big wieght off my mind to find out before i go to Africa...
ah...Africa...i think that I have sent most of you my address now...if i havnt then tell me and I will send it to you, as i would truly love post when i am out there...and if anyone has any good photos of me and them, or of any Cathsoc events, or of any of my recent trips down could they email me them, so i can print them off and take them...
finally i found this the other day on a notebook, so i am using that notebook as my diary for Africa - "be the change you want to see in the world" (ghandi)...how lovely is that?
Monday, February 21, 2005
Its snowing!
its snowing and its very exciting as it seems to be settling too! i am very excited!
had some very funny text messages last night..."ps - i am very intoxicated" but i had to stop texting for fear i may have my phone stolen as was on a train home from London, with a scary man sittign near me....
but its snowing and is very exciting...
will tell more of why i went to london later on....
i have to watch the snow...
i love snow
its snowing and its very exciting as it seems to be settling too! i am very excited!
had some very funny text messages last night..."ps - i am very intoxicated" but i had to stop texting for fear i may have my phone stolen as was on a train home from London, with a scary man sittign near me....
but its snowing and is very exciting...
will tell more of why i went to london later on....
i have to watch the snow...
i love snow
Sunday, February 20, 2005
exciting...
i feel that i should say a few thank yous to everyone who kindly looked after me, and met up with me on my last hectic visit to Exeter. Tessa and Rachel, thanks for a lovely thursday morning...you both have lovely houses (very clean, I was very impressed), and i had a lovely time catching up with your news, and just having a chat in general - and Tessa - you are a great spotter to have around (i think you might know about who i am talking about here - what a lovely view that was!!!) To Amy and Ali, thanks for a lovely saturday lunch and chat - it was like the first and second year all over again - the trio re-united...it was just fab seeing you again, and for you both to be so happy, just makes me happy. And Amy it was wicked seeing you again my love, miss you tonnes, and it makes me so happy that you are still happy, and have the things that you want. To Kat and Claire...wow it was ages since i last saw you guys, but it was great to see you - just as chirpy and as funny and as lovely as i remember - good luck girlies...To Ed and hid housemate Hannah (who i had met before, and looked after in my Freshers Week - i made her a bed out of shower curtains!!!), thanks for a lovely saturday night, and Ed thanks for the meal, it was very yummy. To Lisa - i always have a bed to lay my weary head on! To the Chaplaincy for sponsoring me - wow thanks guys thats a lot of help, and thanks for putting up with my singing once again...will miss that place. To James, Ella, Mark, the Ben' s and Norris - well guys thanks as always for making me laugh and feel welcome, and providing a house so close to shops, and the chaplaincy, and a house that is generally great to bum in! you're all so lovely and just thanks guys....and to anyone who i forgot i am sorry...but i just love it down there, and i am always made to feel so welcome. I will miss you all, and will forward my address soon, so when i am feeling lonely under the African skies, I hope that I will have your letters to cheer me up, and remind me of home.
and ben - the les mis was a lovely surprise and cheered me up no end - continue going to seminars - its all good in the end.
well i have had some exciting news, but i am going to wait for the official confirmation before i blog what it is cos i dont want to tempt fate - but it is very exciting and I am very happy about it...and as soon as i get confirmation than i will tell you what it is...
the other day my bros took me out for a goodbye meal in London without the parents so that we could have a good sibling chat. it was a really good evening, and I will miss my brothers so much when i go. And tonight I am going to dinner with their girlfriends - so that should be quite interesting...
and i went to my nans yesterday and what she said was like music to my ears "Zosia, I think that you have lost weight - you are looking thinner!" - hurrah! thats what i like to hear - and my nan only speaks the truth...
and well, i have been feeling a bit down recently, there is so much going on at the mo, its untrue, but i am getting there, and trying the best that I can to be a friend to everyone who needs me at the mo, and if I fail at that then I am sorry, but I am trying my hardest. we all have our off days, and our on days, but i try my best to be there for anyone who needs me, and i really hope that I can give the word friend the justice that it deserves.
and lastly, can you all pray for my team...they are Cathy, Hannah, Jenny, Jo, Greg, Tim and Crispin, and we all need to look out for each other,... at the mo can we all pray for Jenny who has just lost her grandad, and that happening to her just makes the situation with my grandad so real to me, that he might not be here when i get back, and I am very very scared about that.
take care all of you
i feel that i should say a few thank yous to everyone who kindly looked after me, and met up with me on my last hectic visit to Exeter. Tessa and Rachel, thanks for a lovely thursday morning...you both have lovely houses (very clean, I was very impressed), and i had a lovely time catching up with your news, and just having a chat in general - and Tessa - you are a great spotter to have around (i think you might know about who i am talking about here - what a lovely view that was!!!) To Amy and Ali, thanks for a lovely saturday lunch and chat - it was like the first and second year all over again - the trio re-united...it was just fab seeing you again, and for you both to be so happy, just makes me happy. And Amy it was wicked seeing you again my love, miss you tonnes, and it makes me so happy that you are still happy, and have the things that you want. To Kat and Claire...wow it was ages since i last saw you guys, but it was great to see you - just as chirpy and as funny and as lovely as i remember - good luck girlies...To Ed and hid housemate Hannah (who i had met before, and looked after in my Freshers Week - i made her a bed out of shower curtains!!!), thanks for a lovely saturday night, and Ed thanks for the meal, it was very yummy. To Lisa - i always have a bed to lay my weary head on! To the Chaplaincy for sponsoring me - wow thanks guys thats a lot of help, and thanks for putting up with my singing once again...will miss that place. To James, Ella, Mark, the Ben' s and Norris - well guys thanks as always for making me laugh and feel welcome, and providing a house so close to shops, and the chaplaincy, and a house that is generally great to bum in! you're all so lovely and just thanks guys....and to anyone who i forgot i am sorry...but i just love it down there, and i am always made to feel so welcome. I will miss you all, and will forward my address soon, so when i am feeling lonely under the African skies, I hope that I will have your letters to cheer me up, and remind me of home.
and ben - the les mis was a lovely surprise and cheered me up no end - continue going to seminars - its all good in the end.
well i have had some exciting news, but i am going to wait for the official confirmation before i blog what it is cos i dont want to tempt fate - but it is very exciting and I am very happy about it...and as soon as i get confirmation than i will tell you what it is...
the other day my bros took me out for a goodbye meal in London without the parents so that we could have a good sibling chat. it was a really good evening, and I will miss my brothers so much when i go. And tonight I am going to dinner with their girlfriends - so that should be quite interesting...
and i went to my nans yesterday and what she said was like music to my ears "Zosia, I think that you have lost weight - you are looking thinner!" - hurrah! thats what i like to hear - and my nan only speaks the truth...
and well, i have been feeling a bit down recently, there is so much going on at the mo, its untrue, but i am getting there, and trying the best that I can to be a friend to everyone who needs me at the mo, and if I fail at that then I am sorry, but I am trying my hardest. we all have our off days, and our on days, but i try my best to be there for anyone who needs me, and i really hope that I can give the word friend the justice that it deserves.
and lastly, can you all pray for my team...they are Cathy, Hannah, Jenny, Jo, Greg, Tim and Crispin, and we all need to look out for each other,... at the mo can we all pray for Jenny who has just lost her grandad, and that happening to her just makes the situation with my grandad so real to me, that he might not be here when i get back, and I am very very scared about that.
take care all of you
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
HERE WE GO:
I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.
I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart
I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.
I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart
HERE WE GO:
I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.
I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart
I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.
I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart
HERE WE GO:
I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.
I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart
I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SOERRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.
I hope that you believe me now, i truly mean that sweetheart
Monday, February 14, 2005
will blog more about exeter soon, when i have stopped feeling tearful and ugh, and can think a bit more rationally...my exeter dream had to come to an end sometime...maybe this highlighted that fact.
will blog all about it soon, cos i did have some wonderful times over the last few days...but at the moment one not so nice event is blurring everything and i want and need time to think a bit more clearly
will blog all about it soon, cos i did have some wonderful times over the last few days...but at the moment one not so nice event is blurring everything and i want and need time to think a bit more clearly
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Exeter bound...
in a few hours timne i will be leaving for Exeter to see many wonderful people and say goodbye to them all...have some of thursday already booked with Rachel and Tessa, and hopefully i will see James and Ella too, and Mark, and everyone really - looking forward to it all!
Left work on friday...will write more about it all later, but it was very sad and teary, and they spoilt me rotten which was just loevly...
just been to an Ash wednesday mass, and it was the o0ne that the primary school go to ( we used to go to Mass every Wednesday morning at Primary School)...anyways, i went to speak to the head teacher, as she taught me in my last year of school! that wsa funny - she didnt recognise me at first, but then she did, she went "Zosia, of Andrew, Peter and Zosia"...yes I know sad isnt it...to be remembered by your siblings! but it was nice seeing her again...i miss primary school...
anyway, must search train times to Victoria so i can get mu coach...
and ps - pray for me, ahve juts found out that I am team-leader for Lesotho, and its a hell of a lot of responsibility!
in a few hours timne i will be leaving for Exeter to see many wonderful people and say goodbye to them all...have some of thursday already booked with Rachel and Tessa, and hopefully i will see James and Ella too, and Mark, and everyone really - looking forward to it all!
Left work on friday...will write more about it all later, but it was very sad and teary, and they spoilt me rotten which was just loevly...
just been to an Ash wednesday mass, and it was the o0ne that the primary school go to ( we used to go to Mass every Wednesday morning at Primary School)...anyways, i went to speak to the head teacher, as she taught me in my last year of school! that wsa funny - she didnt recognise me at first, but then she did, she went "Zosia, of Andrew, Peter and Zosia"...yes I know sad isnt it...to be remembered by your siblings! but it was nice seeing her again...i miss primary school...
anyway, must search train times to Victoria so i can get mu coach...
and ps - pray for me, ahve juts found out that I am team-leader for Lesotho, and its a hell of a lot of responsibility!
Saturday, January 29, 2005
I feel that I have neglected my blog recently, but nothing much interesting in my life has happened - i get up, work, go home, eat, and go to bed...really thats it! I have been doing all I can to raise some money for my trip (heard the final cost today - thats £2800 - eeek!), and i did a 33 hour fast (it was a 24 hour fast, but i did it midn0ght-midnight, so all the other hours made it 33), and have been sending out press releases and what not, to advertise my trip, and its all just ARGH...i cant believe that I am actually doing it, i have this surreal feeling and its crazy!
I have one week of work left, thank goodness, its been a bit hectuic, and i am very tired, as i am not sleeping very well. This last week I was training the person that they had brought in to replace me, but she was truly awful....was not getting it at all, and by Friday i lost all patience, especially when she said to me "its so simple, and i is just not getting it, innit?" - I mean I didnt let her get to the phone for fear she would speak to the solicitors like that down the phone....innit after everything...it was so annoiyng...but i am afraid she is not to be taken onto next week - they have to get somebody new in - irreplacable is what i am!
have been feeling up and down in general. like last night for instance, i was fine, i was wastchig telly with my brother and hid fiance, and the next minute i was just in tears, and i dont know why - i just had to leave and cried it all out of my system - i just dont understand why that happened at all...i thought that i was doing a hell of a lot better than that, and i was more controlled but evidently crying spurts are how its going at the moment - its so bizarre, to feel fie one minute, and be crying uncontrollably the next.
last weekend i was in the yorkshire dales as i was being fitted for my bridesmaid dress - its blue silk with blue chiffon on the bustiere, and going round the back, and should look very pretty when it is completed! i met the two other bridesmaid (Dav's sister and best-friend) and also met my bro's in-laws...it was agood weekend, btu very tiring, as we also booked the barn dance and disco, arranged the catering, the flowers, Dav's wedding dress, the hall, and met the vicars and priests...so it was all very busy but got a hell of a lot done.
but thats all for now...oh i have had lots of jabs....have had 2 Hep B jabs (one more to go), 2 rabies jabs (one more to go), typhoid, and Hep A, and my arm has been very painful, and i have had a few side-affects from having them all done so quickly, but hey better safe than sorry is how i see it - and luckily they only made me pay for rabies, and i got that for £100, so I have saved some money there.
will be done in Exeter soon to see Exeter peeps. and looking forward to it, but it will be very sad too, as I miss you guys loads - i feel very out of it all here, and I am sure that I will be very sad when i leave - i always am, as you are all so kind, and have helped me battle on more than youcan ever begin to imagine, and for that I am very greatful....
love you all my lovelies
I have one week of work left, thank goodness, its been a bit hectuic, and i am very tired, as i am not sleeping very well. This last week I was training the person that they had brought in to replace me, but she was truly awful....was not getting it at all, and by Friday i lost all patience, especially when she said to me "its so simple, and i is just not getting it, innit?" - I mean I didnt let her get to the phone for fear she would speak to the solicitors like that down the phone....innit after everything...it was so annoiyng...but i am afraid she is not to be taken onto next week - they have to get somebody new in - irreplacable is what i am!
have been feeling up and down in general. like last night for instance, i was fine, i was wastchig telly with my brother and hid fiance, and the next minute i was just in tears, and i dont know why - i just had to leave and cried it all out of my system - i just dont understand why that happened at all...i thought that i was doing a hell of a lot better than that, and i was more controlled but evidently crying spurts are how its going at the moment - its so bizarre, to feel fie one minute, and be crying uncontrollably the next.
last weekend i was in the yorkshire dales as i was being fitted for my bridesmaid dress - its blue silk with blue chiffon on the bustiere, and going round the back, and should look very pretty when it is completed! i met the two other bridesmaid (Dav's sister and best-friend) and also met my bro's in-laws...it was agood weekend, btu very tiring, as we also booked the barn dance and disco, arranged the catering, the flowers, Dav's wedding dress, the hall, and met the vicars and priests...so it was all very busy but got a hell of a lot done.
but thats all for now...oh i have had lots of jabs....have had 2 Hep B jabs (one more to go), 2 rabies jabs (one more to go), typhoid, and Hep A, and my arm has been very painful, and i have had a few side-affects from having them all done so quickly, but hey better safe than sorry is how i see it - and luckily they only made me pay for rabies, and i got that for £100, so I have saved some money there.
will be done in Exeter soon to see Exeter peeps. and looking forward to it, but it will be very sad too, as I miss you guys loads - i feel very out of it all here, and I am sure that I will be very sad when i leave - i always am, as you are all so kind, and have helped me battle on more than youcan ever begin to imagine, and for that I am very greatful....
love you all my lovelies
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Hello!
busy busy busy...habe been busy at work, busy at home just busy. have changed my post-grad ideas so am having to re-do application forms (am now wanting to do taught cause and not reseasrch degree), ahve been at work - very busy as the beginning of the month always is, let alone haing ten days off over christmas (well bank holidays did us good this year), and looking after nan and grandad, and generally living life, and then sorting out africa. we are having a team "debate" at the mo, which is taking our mind off the whole reason for going out which is a bit disappointing, but i hope things will sort themselves out soon (the debate is about what to do in our weeks holiday at the end of four months volunteeing)
just to say that I have just booked my coach to say bye to all you lovely ex people (£2 return - how crazy is that! - and its not megabus!)...and Ella, i will be able to see you - yay!
this time in two months I will be on a plane to Africa - crazy!
i hope everyone is doing well
xxx
busy busy busy...habe been busy at work, busy at home just busy. have changed my post-grad ideas so am having to re-do application forms (am now wanting to do taught cause and not reseasrch degree), ahve been at work - very busy as the beginning of the month always is, let alone haing ten days off over christmas (well bank holidays did us good this year), and looking after nan and grandad, and generally living life, and then sorting out africa. we are having a team "debate" at the mo, which is taking our mind off the whole reason for going out which is a bit disappointing, but i hope things will sort themselves out soon (the debate is about what to do in our weeks holiday at the end of four months volunteeing)
just to say that I have just booked my coach to say bye to all you lovely ex people (£2 return - how crazy is that! - and its not megabus!)...and Ella, i will be able to see you - yay!
this time in two months I will be on a plane to Africa - crazy!
i hope everyone is doing well
xxx
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Well, it has been a hard christmas so far as i predicted. On Christmas eve itself, I had to do half a days work, which i thoguht sucked as Polish people think that this day is the most important of the festival. In the evening, as is tradition we went to our ans for something called Wigilia, which is the evening, and we eat 12 different dishes (we fast for the rest of the day). now my grandad was no up for anything - he ahsnt been for ages, he looked quite bas actually, and we ended up hoisting him to bed, and then the carers came to change and clean him later. My nan was crying, then her brother who lives in Canada rang, and she was so upset. I was so tearful it was untrue - i went to hide, but my nan found me...we had a cry together - my mum then found me, and asked what was wrong...the thing is, i have found this week so hard, and its been one of the first weeks, where i have actually held my anti-d's in my hand with the intention of taking them again...i havnt yet - i have been string in that way, but weak in the way that I have been wanting to take the,...anyways, after we went to midnight mass, which is always a beautiful thing to do at christmas.
christmas day was a quiet affair in my house, as there were only four of us,m as one bro is spneding the christmas with his girlfriend and her family (the brother who is NOT getting married just yet ironically!) so i went to my nans to see how she was, and then went for a walk with my mum, and then we had christmas lucnh. after i was knackered, having done a 40 hour working week, getting up early and going to bed late, and so just kindof reaxed in the evening.
Today I have gotton up to go to church, and then went for a looooong walk....then my mum and i went to my nans, my grandad was asleep a lot of the time, the carers came to wake him up, and clean and change him, and hoist him into his chair, where we then fed him a cup of coffee (yes we feed him coffee with thickener, cos he cant swallow any other way cos he will choke - no swallowing reflex), and then we came home...am now just chilling am very tired, and just not feeling myself...or maybe this is myself and i am still ill - i just dont know anymore, but whatever it is, I am not happy, always feeling tearful, and just feel extremely alone.
Merry Christmas everyone, and may all your dreams come true in the new year
christmas day was a quiet affair in my house, as there were only four of us,m as one bro is spneding the christmas with his girlfriend and her family (the brother who is NOT getting married just yet ironically!) so i went to my nans to see how she was, and then went for a walk with my mum, and then we had christmas lucnh. after i was knackered, having done a 40 hour working week, getting up early and going to bed late, and so just kindof reaxed in the evening.
Today I have gotton up to go to church, and then went for a looooong walk....then my mum and i went to my nans, my grandad was asleep a lot of the time, the carers came to wake him up, and clean and change him, and hoist him into his chair, where we then fed him a cup of coffee (yes we feed him coffee with thickener, cos he cant swallow any other way cos he will choke - no swallowing reflex), and then we came home...am now just chilling am very tired, and just not feeling myself...or maybe this is myself and i am still ill - i just dont know anymore, but whatever it is, I am not happy, always feeling tearful, and just feel extremely alone.
Merry Christmas everyone, and may all your dreams come true in the new year
Monday, December 20, 2004
Today is the downest i have felt for a long time...its that time of the year really - when you see so many perfect things, and realise that things are not going well for you. I dont know, maybe its because I have got yet another cold, and am feeling really under the weather and I cant take time off work cos i need all the hours and money I can get, but there is a whole lot of other things on my mind, and its hard. Its been twelve weeks since i last took an anti-depressant and today I have come so close to taking one its untrue -thats how bad i am feeling.
I dunno - i guess its cos i am lonely. I am hearing that so many of my friends are in happy relationships, and dont get me wrong i am happy for them, but it really does just make me feel that there is something so incredibly wrong with me. Family isnt helping - making little comments at every opportunity thinking its funny, when really it is making me feel so upset. it just seems to me that as soon as something seems like it is going ok, something else happens and i am back at square one, taken a huge fall, and i am fed up of it. people always ask me what my greatest fear is, and really its growing old alone, and being unloved - thats a very scary thing.
my grandad is still so so ill. I saw him yesterday after not seeing him for two weeks, and everytime i see him he looks more vacant, more ghost like, its so horrid. my mum today said he was coughing, and just wouldnt stop, and that her and my nan were so scared that they just didnt know what to do. Now a cough may seem like nothing, but its bound to be a chest infection, or pneumonia or something and thats not great, and i just have this fear in the back of my mind, that something bad is going to happen someday soon, and its nit going away, and it upsetting me loads.
so put those two things together, and its one big mess. i hate colds, i feel really miserable, and just want to cry.
sorry guys - its not been the bets of days for me today...have no christmas spirit just yet - i think its going to be a hard christmas infact.
I dunno - i guess its cos i am lonely. I am hearing that so many of my friends are in happy relationships, and dont get me wrong i am happy for them, but it really does just make me feel that there is something so incredibly wrong with me. Family isnt helping - making little comments at every opportunity thinking its funny, when really it is making me feel so upset. it just seems to me that as soon as something seems like it is going ok, something else happens and i am back at square one, taken a huge fall, and i am fed up of it. people always ask me what my greatest fear is, and really its growing old alone, and being unloved - thats a very scary thing.
my grandad is still so so ill. I saw him yesterday after not seeing him for two weeks, and everytime i see him he looks more vacant, more ghost like, its so horrid. my mum today said he was coughing, and just wouldnt stop, and that her and my nan were so scared that they just didnt know what to do. Now a cough may seem like nothing, but its bound to be a chest infection, or pneumonia or something and thats not great, and i just have this fear in the back of my mind, that something bad is going to happen someday soon, and its nit going away, and it upsetting me loads.
so put those two things together, and its one big mess. i hate colds, i feel really miserable, and just want to cry.
sorry guys - its not been the bets of days for me today...have no christmas spirit just yet - i think its going to be a hard christmas infact.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
eek!
this week i did enough working hours to make up a whole working week(and more), in four days - granted i never left the office before 6:15 and was in before nine, but it is doable...why? i hear you all cry...well tomorrow i am taking a day off for my tearfund induction (will get to that in a mo), and the second reason is so that i can take the time off inbetween christmas and new year!
so tomorrow i have my tearfund induction - well its a whole weekend thing - i get to meet my team - yay! i hope that they like me....i will be upset if they dont...i hope we all get on well...i have to travel to the centre in the afternoon - in the morning i hope to get my haircut, and pack my clothes...so i am excited and scared - but they will like me wont they?
anyways apart from that, have just been working stupidly hard so that i can earn the money that will be taking me on thsi great adventure....it is getting so close now....
and ella - when you go down to exeter - i will be able to come then too - so iwill get to see you before i go...
and amy if you read this - i havnt heard from you in ages, i do hope that you are well and happy and that everything is fine and dandy with you...i miss you sweetheart, and keep in touch so that i know that you are ok.
and to everyone else, i hope taht end of term has not been too hectic, and that i will see you all when i descend upon exeter one more time!
love me
xxx
this week i did enough working hours to make up a whole working week(and more), in four days - granted i never left the office before 6:15 and was in before nine, but it is doable...why? i hear you all cry...well tomorrow i am taking a day off for my tearfund induction (will get to that in a mo), and the second reason is so that i can take the time off inbetween christmas and new year!
so tomorrow i have my tearfund induction - well its a whole weekend thing - i get to meet my team - yay! i hope that they like me....i will be upset if they dont...i hope we all get on well...i have to travel to the centre in the afternoon - in the morning i hope to get my haircut, and pack my clothes...so i am excited and scared - but they will like me wont they?
anyways apart from that, have just been working stupidly hard so that i can earn the money that will be taking me on thsi great adventure....it is getting so close now....
and ella - when you go down to exeter - i will be able to come then too - so iwill get to see you before i go...
and amy if you read this - i havnt heard from you in ages, i do hope that you are well and happy and that everything is fine and dandy with you...i miss you sweetheart, and keep in touch so that i know that you are ok.
and to everyone else, i hope taht end of term has not been too hectic, and that i will see you all when i descend upon exeter one more time!
love me
xxx
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
well tonight thank God its them instead of you...
yesterday the making of band aid 20 was on the telly - it was too late for me as i have to get up early in the morning, so i taped it and have just watched it, and i wsa in tears. It pains me so much that in this world where on one extreme we have people eating too much that they are obese and that they will die because they areso overwieght, yet at the same time people sre dying because they dot have enough to eat...seriously, this problem is insane, 20 years ago this wa shighlighted to us with live aid - i dont remember this at all - i was 1, but still 20 years later the problem still exists - and to out it bluntly - its fucking awful. I hope that people buy the band aid single - i am going to buy it - so i get that - its cheaper than a glass of wine in the bar near where i work, and yet it could save someone from dying - now that is something to make you think. next time you're in a pub and buying a drink, just think what that could bring to a starving child...
i am sorry to rant but the state of this world is truly awful. God gives us something fantastic - he gives us life, and a beautiful place to live in, yet we destroy it, and we destroy the lives of others. there are many places in the Bible where we are reminded to help the poor, and those less fortunate then ourselves, and this time of advent and preparation and thought and change, maybe now is the time to see what we can do....
i had to get that off my chest, so i know in 20 years time, when i have my family, they will say to me - so mummy did you do anything to help - i can safely say that i did. I am scared that when i go to Africa, and see some things first hand it is going to really hurt - so guys, prayers please. lets pray that governments realise just what they are doing to their countries, lets pray that there will be an end to famine, drought, war and destruction, and lets pray that we can all do the best that we can to help those who really and truly need it.
thanks
yesterday the making of band aid 20 was on the telly - it was too late for me as i have to get up early in the morning, so i taped it and have just watched it, and i wsa in tears. It pains me so much that in this world where on one extreme we have people eating too much that they are obese and that they will die because they areso overwieght, yet at the same time people sre dying because they dot have enough to eat...seriously, this problem is insane, 20 years ago this wa shighlighted to us with live aid - i dont remember this at all - i was 1, but still 20 years later the problem still exists - and to out it bluntly - its fucking awful. I hope that people buy the band aid single - i am going to buy it - so i get that - its cheaper than a glass of wine in the bar near where i work, and yet it could save someone from dying - now that is something to make you think. next time you're in a pub and buying a drink, just think what that could bring to a starving child...
i am sorry to rant but the state of this world is truly awful. God gives us something fantastic - he gives us life, and a beautiful place to live in, yet we destroy it, and we destroy the lives of others. there are many places in the Bible where we are reminded to help the poor, and those less fortunate then ourselves, and this time of advent and preparation and thought and change, maybe now is the time to see what we can do....
i had to get that off my chest, so i know in 20 years time, when i have my family, they will say to me - so mummy did you do anything to help - i can safely say that i did. I am scared that when i go to Africa, and see some things first hand it is going to really hurt - so guys, prayers please. lets pray that governments realise just what they are doing to their countries, lets pray that there will be an end to famine, drought, war and destruction, and lets pray that we can all do the best that we can to help those who really and truly need it.
thanks
Friday, November 26, 2004
a wohooooooooo!
i am in exeter! and i am feeling very strange being sat here in the library (students these days actually do go to lectures!), i feel as if i am a bit of an intruder, but its good to be down....you see i had 25 hours of flexi-time to use up, and even now, i will only be using about 12 of them....but its all good, it will mean i can take time off at christmas....i keep on bumping into people i know, and they are all like - what are you doing here? - which is quite funny - and many have remarked on my new blondness (do they really have mroe fun!)...but charlie is keeping me informed of all the goings on at owrk which is good - got to kepe up on that office gossip!
i hope that everyone else is ok - i am needing this break like anything - i even got to lie in till 9:30 this morning, thats three more hours than normal - and even then it was a bit of a struggle to get up - oh never mind...i cant complain....
meet my tearfund people in a fortnight so that should be interesting...i am very much looking forward to putting names to faces....but on a more serious note, in lesotho where 40% of the population are suffering from AIDS/HIV, i think that this just highlights the gravity of the situation that people there are faced with...and a reasib why i am going out there to help...so although its fun at the moment, there is a deeply important reason to this trip that people have to realise...
anyways, apart from that, will just do some research for my mphil now i have access to the library computers (thanks Lis!)
hope to see the exeter people that read this aound sometime...
zosh
xxx
i am in exeter! and i am feeling very strange being sat here in the library (students these days actually do go to lectures!), i feel as if i am a bit of an intruder, but its good to be down....you see i had 25 hours of flexi-time to use up, and even now, i will only be using about 12 of them....but its all good, it will mean i can take time off at christmas....i keep on bumping into people i know, and they are all like - what are you doing here? - which is quite funny - and many have remarked on my new blondness (do they really have mroe fun!)...but charlie is keeping me informed of all the goings on at owrk which is good - got to kepe up on that office gossip!
i hope that everyone else is ok - i am needing this break like anything - i even got to lie in till 9:30 this morning, thats three more hours than normal - and even then it was a bit of a struggle to get up - oh never mind...i cant complain....
meet my tearfund people in a fortnight so that should be interesting...i am very much looking forward to putting names to faces....but on a more serious note, in lesotho where 40% of the population are suffering from AIDS/HIV, i think that this just highlights the gravity of the situation that people there are faced with...and a reasib why i am going out there to help...so although its fun at the moment, there is a deeply important reason to this trip that people have to realise...
anyways, apart from that, will just do some research for my mphil now i have access to the library computers (thanks Lis!)
hope to see the exeter people that read this aound sometime...
zosh
xxx
Monday, November 22, 2004
sorry
it appears that i have not blogged for a long itme....there is reason for this (well kind of). last week i had to give up denying the existence of a hoorid cold, as i had got one full and proper...so bad that when i had picked up the phone i was told i sounded awful, and when i put the mediator through to my boss she apparently told my boss to send me home - she didnt though, and there was a slight phone ban for a while - so instead i got to design the inside of our divisions christmas cards, and stick them in the cards! so i was ill, and i hate being ill.
being ill meant that i could not visit my babcia for a week. i didnt want to pass any germs to my grandad, because that would have been truly awful...anyways, i saw them this weekend just gone. my grandad was a sleep all the time, and when he was awake he bears a kindof blank expression - confusion, and his eyes are all glazed..its sad. i go in all jolly, and give him a big hello and a big kiss - he has no idea who i am - he hasnt for about 5-6 years - thats something hard to come to terms with. one thing that is keeping me going, and one thing that so many people have said to me is that God obviously has a plan, and he is watching me, and telling me to keep on going with it all, but man is it hard sometimes.
have been emailing my lesotho people loads, and they all sound lovely - i get to meet them all in three weeks time at my induction weekend and that will be so exciting - when i have muy medical done, then my true fundraising will begin - so watch out, some full on begging will be done!
also been doing some research for my proposal for my Mphil - have finally had a response from a certain uni which i am very interested in...but am keeping a bit quiet as to what i am doing exactly, as it is a hard course to get on, and i dont want abig slp in the face
work has been busy but enjoyable, i do have a laugh there even though i work exetremely hard...the people (well most of them) are great, and i love the flexi-time aspect of it all...its this that is allowing me to go to Exeter for my long weekend, and hopefully this that will allow me to take the time off between christmas and new year - i have 22 hours 20 mins at the mo, some of that will be used by the end of the week, but then i have time to make it all up again!
thats enough from me for now - good luck Lis - if they cant see your desire and want to be a teacher at your interview tomorrow - then all the fool them!
zosh
ps - eight weeks and no anti-deppressant - result for me! thats the longest it has been in a long time - i have been tempted, but i have managed without - a wohoo!
it appears that i have not blogged for a long itme....there is reason for this (well kind of). last week i had to give up denying the existence of a hoorid cold, as i had got one full and proper...so bad that when i had picked up the phone i was told i sounded awful, and when i put the mediator through to my boss she apparently told my boss to send me home - she didnt though, and there was a slight phone ban for a while - so instead i got to design the inside of our divisions christmas cards, and stick them in the cards! so i was ill, and i hate being ill.
being ill meant that i could not visit my babcia for a week. i didnt want to pass any germs to my grandad, because that would have been truly awful...anyways, i saw them this weekend just gone. my grandad was a sleep all the time, and when he was awake he bears a kindof blank expression - confusion, and his eyes are all glazed..its sad. i go in all jolly, and give him a big hello and a big kiss - he has no idea who i am - he hasnt for about 5-6 years - thats something hard to come to terms with. one thing that is keeping me going, and one thing that so many people have said to me is that God obviously has a plan, and he is watching me, and telling me to keep on going with it all, but man is it hard sometimes.
have been emailing my lesotho people loads, and they all sound lovely - i get to meet them all in three weeks time at my induction weekend and that will be so exciting - when i have muy medical done, then my true fundraising will begin - so watch out, some full on begging will be done!
also been doing some research for my proposal for my Mphil - have finally had a response from a certain uni which i am very interested in...but am keeping a bit quiet as to what i am doing exactly, as it is a hard course to get on, and i dont want abig slp in the face
work has been busy but enjoyable, i do have a laugh there even though i work exetremely hard...the people (well most of them) are great, and i love the flexi-time aspect of it all...its this that is allowing me to go to Exeter for my long weekend, and hopefully this that will allow me to take the time off between christmas and new year - i have 22 hours 20 mins at the mo, some of that will be used by the end of the week, but then i have time to make it all up again!
thats enough from me for now - good luck Lis - if they cant see your desire and want to be a teacher at your interview tomorrow - then all the fool them!
zosh
ps - eight weeks and no anti-deppressant - result for me! thats the longest it has been in a long time - i have been tempted, but i have managed without - a wohoo!
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