a wohooooooooo!

i am in exeter! and i am feeling very strange being sat here in the library (students these days actually do go to lectures!), i feel as if i am a bit of an intruder, but its good to be down....you see i had 25 hours of flexi-time to use up, and even now, i will only be using about 12 of them....but its all good, it will mean i can take time off at christmas....i keep on bumping into people i know, and they are all like - what are you doing here? - which is quite funny - and many have remarked on my new blondness (do they really have mroe fun!)...but charlie is keeping me informed of all the goings on at owrk which is good - got to kepe up on that office gossip!

i hope that everyone else is ok - i am needing this break like anything - i even got to lie in till 9:30 this morning, thats three more hours than normal - and even then it was a bit of a struggle to get up - oh never mind...i cant complain....

meet my tearfund people in a fortnight so that should be interesting...i am very much looking forward to putting names to faces....but on a more serious note, in lesotho where 40% of the population are suffering from AIDS/HIV, i think that this just highlights the gravity of the situation that people there are faced with...and a reasib why i am going out there to help...so although its fun at the moment, there is a deeply important reason to this trip that people have to realise...

anyways, apart from that, will just do some research for my mphil now i have access to the library computers (thanks Lis!)

hope to see the exeter people that read this aound sometime...

zosh
xxx

sorry

it appears that i have not blogged for a long itme....there is reason for this (well kind of). last week i had to give up denying the existence of a hoorid cold, as i had got one full and proper...so bad that when i had picked up the phone i was told i sounded awful, and when i put the mediator through to my boss she apparently told my boss to send me home - she didnt though, and there was a slight phone ban for a while - so instead i got to design the inside of our divisions christmas cards, and stick them in the cards! so i was ill, and i hate being ill.

being ill meant that i could not visit my babcia for a week. i didnt want to pass any germs to my grandad, because that would have been truly awful...anyways, i saw them this weekend just gone. my grandad was a sleep all the time, and when he was awake he bears a kindof blank expression - confusion, and his eyes are all glazed..its sad. i go in all jolly, and give him a big hello and a big kiss - he has no idea who i am - he hasnt for about 5-6 years - thats something hard to come to terms with. one thing that is keeping me going, and one thing that so many people have said to me is that God obviously has a plan, and he is watching me, and telling me to keep on going with it all, but man is it hard sometimes.

have been emailing my lesotho people loads, and they all sound lovely - i get to meet them all in three weeks time at my induction weekend and that will be so exciting - when i have muy medical done, then my true fundraising will begin - so watch out, some full on begging will be done!

also been doing some research for my proposal for my Mphil - have finally had a response from a certain uni which i am very interested in...but am keeping a bit quiet as to what i am doing exactly, as it is a hard course to get on, and i dont want abig slp in the face

work has been busy but enjoyable, i do have a laugh there even though i work exetremely hard...the people (well most of them) are great, and i love the flexi-time aspect of it all...its this that is allowing me to go to Exeter for my long weekend, and hopefully this that will allow me to take the time off between christmas and new year - i have 22 hours 20 mins at the mo, some of that will be used by the end of the week, but then i have time to make it all up again!

thats enough from me for now - good luck Lis - if they cant see your desire and want to be a teacher at your interview tomorrow - then all the fool them!

zosh
ps - eight weeks and no anti-deppressant - result for me! thats the longest it has been in a long time - i have been tempted, but i have managed without - a wohoo!

hello

I have spent the last four days desperately trying to deny the existence of colds (colds are for week people i say), but having being told by countless family mediators and solicitors as to how awful i sounded on the phone (after my doing the usual, good morning/afternoon, children and family services, zosia spekaing, how may i help you?), and coughing through it, i really dont think i can deny it anymore. unfortunatly i feel i have caught a cold, and it does well and truly sux, as it makes a tiring week, even more tiring - i feel i have worke four days already, and i have only worked two - never mind - i think today will be the worst - so it can only get bet - thankfully we have a chemist next door to the commission - i was greatful anyways!

other than that nothing much has happend, have been hearing from my lesotho people which is always exciting, and have been wanting to sleep, but not been able to!....my flexi-time is now lookng very healthy indeed - and i am looking forward to my long weekend that i have booked off - i hope you guys that we can do some fun stuff - and i will need some cheap drinking!

see you all soon
hope you're all weel and good

love and coughs
zosh xx

hello blog

what a week - work has been manic, its had its ups and downs....charlie the poor girl has had a touhg week - but we get to have her in the office till christmas - a wohoo! pity she has been banned from talking to me in the office - thats ok - we have just abused the email sustem, and take very well timed loo breaks! (we've done nothing worng at all - dont get me wrong - its just theres been a bit of a personality clash and some people want to make it difficult for poor charlie)

grandad is out of hospital - thank you for your prayers - howeer he is still poorly - he sleeps for the vast majority of the day, and just is still very ill. if it were me, i would not have let him out of hospital, as things arent really very good, but the way the health system is, there are not enough beds - etc etc etc, and so off home he went - its strabge how sytrong he can battle, from 24 hours to live, to being let out of hospital - too much for my little head to take in.

i had my first panic attck in 2 1/2 months today - the events and stress of the last few weeks ahve finally caught up with my body, and my body just doesnt like it too much - unsurprisingly...so i took a beta blocker 0 and i have not had to take one of those in aaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssss, but still no a-d for 6 1/2 weeks, and that i think is bloody week, after the fortnight that i have just had!

and lastly i know my lesotho team - we got each others emails in the week, and we have started emailing each other getting to know each other - and everyone seems lovely, and so i think it will be a very exciting time.

and now i mean lastly am going wedding dress fitting with dav in london tomorrow - i can see a very long day ahead - eek!

zosh x

blunt

well, as many of you know over the last yera i ahve had a lot on my plate...illness, depression, thoughts of ending it all, being dumped, finals, leaving uni....ive had it hard - i know people have it harder, but its fair to say that i have had it hard.

over the last few dys, i feel like i have been to hell and back...at the weekend my grandad was dying...there seemed as if there was no hope...now all of a sudden he has made a recovery...i swear dementia has to be the biggest head messer i have ever come across. this has worn me out emotionally and physically, and i just dont know what to think any more. obviously its great that he is still alive, but really the quality of life is so poor its untrue....i just dnt know what to think...sometimes (now i dont want anyone to think that i am being horrid here, as it is so hard for me to say this), but sometimes i wish that it was over...then i know my grandad wont be in any pain and sufferring, and his life will be much better...but then when i think like this i hate myself,a s i know it will lead to the demise of my nan. you see how it plays with your head. its horrid, and nasty, and i hate myself for having such thoughts, like you would not believe....oh i feel messed up by it all. hence the roller coaster of emotions people experienced at the weekend with me, and i am so sorry for that.

other than that, work has been veru hectic this week - had an internal relaunch of our department - children and family division at the legal services commission (a not for profit government organisation - dont you know), and i always have a hell of a lot of work at the beginning of the month, as i have to process many mnay payments.

sorry for the eekness of my blog as of late - gives you an insight into the life of me - lucky you're just reading it then hey?

Blunt

I really want to be quite blunt about the way i feel about things, and so this might be a hard read for some people, but believe you me, you're not the people that have to live with my thoughts...you're very lucky.

obviously my grandad has been very ill recently - almost at death's door that it was frightening, and i hated it...but now, well tonight he will be having his last dose of anti-biotics as they say that he is recovering. now, i am so confused...this illness is one of the biggest head messers i have ever come across - more then the way that i have been treated by some people...its just the most confusing most dreadful thing ever. i just dont know where i stand, at some points i am told that he isnt going to survive the weekend and now there is talk of him returning home. Now dont get me worng, it is great that he has not died, but at the same time, he is not going to be the same as he was before...he is going to be weaker and less capable fodoing stuff, and his quality of life is alomost going to be in-existence. now is this fair? its so hard for him and the family. we are just so yp and down in our emotions - really i just dint know whether i should laugh/cry, be happy/sad...i just dnt know what to think or feel anymore its untrue. its such a horrid horrid illness. it snot fair? everyone has been so nice and helpful, and lovely, putting up with my mixed up head, my mixed up emotions, but then i feel guilty for putting this on everyone to take...i am so sorry guys.

i just have so many thoughts zooming around my head, it is sometimes so hard for me to think logically abut what is going on...nobody knows how or when this dreadful....bloody awful disease ends, and i just cant cope with this uncertainty. everytime a phone rings i get scared about what news i hear on the other side...on the train home, i wonder what news i am going to arrive home to...its a fucking awful way to be living a life, and i am fed up of it.....no-ones to blame...its just too hard to take, that sometimes i feel like i just cant continue when its like this all the time..

i know shit happens, and life goes on...but really soemtimes shit can happen too much in too short a space of time for it to be at all healthy.

sorry if that has confused/annoyed/upset/hurt anyone

thank you

i will blog about u-nite another time, but i just want to say prayers must be working as today my grandad came off his drip...he is still being pumped with anti-biotics and has a bit of a temperature but it is good he is not on his drip anymore....we will just have to keep on going...

was pushed off a train yesterday by an angry woman, landed on all fours on blackfriars platform - ow.

zosh
x

URGENT.

i dont know why, but when i got back late from work today i found out that my grandad was in hospital....so can he have your thoughts please...
as i said i dont have any more info...but it kindof sux enough that he's in there

hell at work....

man, its been a hard few days at work - too much of it - my boss set me work - thats supposed to be my priority - bless Fernando, but when five other divison members come up to me practically in tears with urgent deadlines - how am i supposed to refuse to help them? no i am the one with urgent deadlines - and who do i go to? never mind...

i read my emails - and this cheered me up no end:

Hi Zosia
Just to let you know that we prayed for you today in our team prayer time, as you prepare for your overnight prayer vigil at Exeter uni. As you didn't mention a date, it may well be that you have already been and gone, but God knows anyway, and we do trust you are blessed by the whole thing! Let us know how it went.
blessings
Jan

this is from the person who emailed me for Tearfund...so UNITE people, we have extra prayers for what we are doing - always good to know i think! that was a lovely surprise and has cheered me up no end. tomorrow i meet up with caz from uni for a drink in petts wood, and do the work that i promised fernando i would do...and then its just a day before exeter! awohoo! and i have already packed some photos that i have, of me looking silly at my graduation!

grandad is still very very ill - he will never get better - prayers to limit his pain and suffering are well and truly needed....

zosh xxx

13,830

That is the number of steps that i have talen today so far (not including obv as its not steps, the 25 mins i did on the cylse bike)...you see my pedometer from the bbc has finally arrived to help me in my big fat challenge.

am feeling miserable. i visited my nan today...i hadnt sen my grandad for an age - he has gone so downhill. he doesnt even speak, move, look - he just lies. my gran gave me the horrid task of searching the net for information on the prognosis of multi-infarct dementia. basically multi-infarct is a form of dementia that occurs when the brain does not receive enough oxygen while the individual suffers a series of small strokes. it has many symptoms including confusion, memory loss, lack of social skills, night time confusion etc. now, this means that the individual will decrease in a step-wise manner, and so people may not pick up on the problem until it is far too late. what makes multi-infarct dementia, well any demenatia hard is that no-body knows or understands how it is going to effect a certain individual, and what part of the brain is going to be effected (as different brain lobes have different functions, and studies are now beginning to show that phrenology may have been correct indeed as different areas of these lobes may have very specific functions). anyhows, i digress. i was asked to find out what the future may be for my grandad as it doesnt seem like we are to have a long future, and so i have been reading pages and pages about multi-infarct. and i am upset as basically, everything that they have warned us to expect, we are already exepriencing ... and more. and i have he job of telling my nan that the worst exepected has already happened, and so we are now entering/or some may say continuing with the great unknown. it is so so sad. there is absoultely sod all to be done, and we just sit and wait, and watch my poor grandad deteriorate further infront of us, and we are just helpless. it makes me feel physically sick.

sorry for the very blue nature of this entry, and the mini-psychology lecture that you have just received - thats the nature of my home life at the moment...sux really doesnt it?

+51

ths was a good sight this evening - +51...i have finally got myself into positive time from the time off ive had in exeter - it has taken its time and i have worked my guts out doing 42+ hours a week, but its finally in the positive, and i can start building it up so i can take a few days off again.

am quite subdued today. my nan has been very very tearful recently. she keeps on saying to my mum that i am going away for such a long time, and to such a far destination and how she is sad about it. yes that makes me feel guilty, but i know that i cannot put my life on hold. i will miss her truly - ANYONE who knows me just knows how much love i have for my nnan, and the isnspiration that she gives me. she has also been saying that she is selfish, keeping my grandad alive...she is scared. we all know if he goes ito hospital he wont come out, and that is frightening for all of us, but 100000 time more for my nan - theyve been married for 54 years, and the love she has for him is untrue, and so i can undertande why she is scared...it just upsets me when i hear she has been syaing these things. its heart wrenching.

another thing, this time of the year is pretty hard for me, as i am trying to forget some stuff that occurred around this time, but its just oh so very hard, and its getting me down. i have come on in leaps and bounds, but it is still hard for me to forget just how low i was. its hard - but a month off the anti-ds and i am still coping - just, but i am doing it, and not having nasty withdrawal symptoms either

lastly, am starting to prepare for my postgrad studies...its all very hard - but i am going to do a research degree as ths gives me more flexibility in what i can study and focus upon, i just need to find the funding and the institution that i want to study at.

see all you ex people next week

lots of good news

where do i begin? lots of good news -

1 - i am returning to exeter be it for a short period of time - i am going own for U-Nite (2)...and i dont have to take time off work! i go after work (well i leave an hour early, but i make that up in the week easy), and leave on sunday morning, but most importantly, i get there. unfortunately its not for longer but hey you cant win them all. and sorry that i miss seeing you ella...another time maybe?!

2 - i got my tearfund placement - this means that next year I got to Lesotho for four months from March - July. i leave home on the 5th of march, have three days orientation with my team, and then we fly out as a team and start our work!

3 - i put into my account three pay cheques today

4 - michael owen scored a goal for england

5 - did another 42 hour week at work, but had a bit of a laugh doing it.

so, there it is - but i really missed the important one - i have not taken an anti-depressant for three weeks now - thats THREE weeks, the longest i have managed without them!

but as always there is some sad news, my grandad has gone further down hill so prayers for him are much required. it really is not looking that good at all, and that is always a bad sign. i have not been allowed to see my nan for a few weeks now, due to infections and rashes that my grandad has had that could get passed on, and his immune system is down, so things get passed on and carried easily.

stay well everyone

busy busy busy

oh man...i have been so hectic this week it has been untrue. work has been manic, there have been a few cock ups in the office, and that just doesnt help anything, and has made things a hell of a lot worse. i can finally see my desk again, the work just mounts up its untrue. yesterday was a bad day - didnt leave till 6 in the evening, worked since 8:45 - was bad day, so charlotte and i went for a drink after work - as i had missed her b-day last week, and we hadnt had a chance to chat about things for a while - and we are girls, we had a lot to talk about - it was very pleasant. i am quite tired. i do enjoy my work loads, but its all been hectic...but what is good, is that i have already worked 33 hours this week, and still have a potential 8 1/2 tom, so that will mean a good few pounds earnt!

also had probelms with tearfund, in that they hadnt receieved one of my references - it has been lost in the ppst - but its ok - that is all sorted - Mme B wrote me a blinding reference - i didnt even know it was about me...so fingers crossed and prayers please!
sorry people in Exeter - cant come down for a long time - have to kake up A LOT of flexi time...but UNITE sounds absoultely fab. james i would have loved to see you and Ella, but if you read on there's another reason for me to be around here for bit...

one last plea - my grandad is very very poorly indeed. he should be in hospital, but the carers and district nurses know that if he goes in there he will not come out again, and so are doing everything in their power to keep him at home, but its not looking good at all. please can we pray to help him, but also maybe more importantly can we please pray for my babcia, who is so tearful all the time, and is really dreading the thought of losing my grandad. its very hard on all of us, but my babcia has had it the worst. its not looking good, but i cant do anything about it anymore. we have already been blessed with a year we thought that we would never have, and we pray for every other minute now.

wow....

what a hectic few weeks i have had. the week before last i did a really long working week, so i could build up as much flexitime as i could so i had some time off and money to play with when i was in Exeter - this meant getting in early, and on some occassions leving at 6:20 after having done a nine hour day....so by the time i got into Exeter on Friday night i was very very tired.

last saturday i tried my best to treat Lisa like a queen as it was her 21st birthday - we did many things, we drank, went to the beach, we drank, went to timepiece bar, we drank...and made it to the chaplaincy the next day - and i didnt have a hangover! being back at the chapliancy was just great - even though it wsant that busy as term had not really started, it was just lovely being back in such a friendly atmosphere...walking back to james' with rob - we encountered a very drunk girl - luckily she was going our way - i was quite worried about her - but she got back safely.

monday was a me afternoon really - i had spent the night half on the coach at James' house, and when mark had gone to work i used his bed...and didnt emereg till late. i went into town, onto campus, and then the chaplians recepetion which was well turned out i thought... back to James' i went, and James actually returned to exeter! i left very late and crept back into Lisas house.

Tuesday i went out with James, and did a but of history...in the afternoon we had the chaplaincy cream teas...in the evening we went to Cowley - oh how i loved cowley...mark was ill in the back garden - i am usually ill after looking after ill people, today i wasnt.

wednesday - my last day - i went to campus and met some people - including Rach! went to james' and the walked to Lisa's had a few drinks, and then got 14 pizzas and 8 paclets of gralic bread for the pizza and vid night at the chaplaincy. i then went ot help out at the cream teas, and after stayed to help get the chaplacniy ready - the new housemates there seem lovely. i cooked a stupid amount of pizza and garlic bread, but it all went down well. as the vid was being watched i cleaned up the kitchen and then went to pray in the chapel...as i had missed the whole first chink of the vid i was never going to get into it, but it didnt matter, i was quite content in my own thoughts. said tara to everyone, and then made my way to James' for a drink and a chat, then once again crept back into Lisas.

thursday, i made my way home, the coach to vcitoria was fine - i had a wee wait in victoria stations, and then finally got the train back home, and wlaked up the road to be let into my house by my bro....

friday i was back at work. i had been informed that the office was quiet without me - charlotte said that she was gutted that i had missed her birthday - i am sure we will make up for that another time, but there have been a few horrors! I am being moved ot the sensible end of the office, in our office reshuffle - charlotte and i will no longer be able to raid each others desk, and speak in our whispered tones...as she stated "bring on the email", but at least this will mean i have a phine on ym desk - hell yeah! but while i was away a stationary thief had been at large - my stapler had gone a walkies, and my scissors! i worked through the to do list left by my boss, and the piles of stuff on my desk, and they still werent there - luckily my foot rest still existed! anyways, it wsa nice being back at work, and everyone was saying how nice it wsa for me to be back in the office, which is always nice to here, but most importantly, i have now caught up with the offic egoss, and in the office move - i get placed next to somebody else with whom i may wnjoy being seated next to!

today i have been very sleepy - but hey its the weekened and i have loads of sleep to catch up on. i am going to the sung mass in the morning, which means that i will miss the visit to the cemetry, as it is the sixth anniversary of my babcias death on monday - prayers will be very welcome for the family, its a tough time. i cant go and visit my other babcia, as there is some horrid skin rash going around, and its being passed onto carers and other patienrs and what not, its what my grandad really needs isnt it? he has not been the same since his last chest infection, and he may have had another stroke last week as my nan says he has gone very downhill again, so prayers for him also please - he is never out of my thoughts.

one last call for prayers - i still have not heard from Tearfund, so please can we pray that i hear from them soon and that the news will be positive as i just want to go so much

thank you all

today...

today was my interview with Tearfund, the Christian organisation that i hope to go travelling to Lesotho with. There message is "Don't become so well asjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention to God. You'll be changed from the inside out" (The Message, Romans 12).

I got to the station, and saw another girl with the map, so we made our way to the church together, where i met an abbundance of people and we all talked and introduced ourselves. There were presentations about the charity, and then we basically had to wait to be interviewed. i was second to last, and so was getting quite nervous. My interview was quite hard. the thing was my interviewer was trying to make me think about what the worst case scenario for me to be in was...and that was the fact that I was a Catholic, and there may be a problem with the fact that i would not be partaking in the Whole service (in that i wouldnt have communion), and that some people may have a problem with that - and how that would make me feel. I said that truthfully I would be upset by that, because we all worship the same God, read the same Bible, and read that Jesus loves us all, not even looking at race/language/sex...and so if we are following his examples, which as Christians we should be doing, than this should not be an issue. All the other people that i spoke to really didnt have a problem with it at all. Can i please ask for prayers that I get my placement because after today and meeting so many lovely people, i really and truly would love to have this opportunity.

other than that, i am getting on with my job - am actually enjoying it loads, and have made some lovely friends....and cant wait to see everyone else back down in Exeter this time next week.

love zosh xx

well, its a normal day at work, when you leave the office building and you bump into Sit Trev (Mc Donald, that is), coming out of the local pharmacy - yes indeed that is what happened to me today...the itv studios are opposite! so that was exciting. my new best friend in the office is the fax machine - i had to send billins and millions of faxs today, and Charlotte kept on paying me stupid compliments - cos she was "in that mood", bless her cottons...and we had an office chat about nits...as you do

you see i leave work in a kindof good mood, and step indoors and everything comes rushing back...can we have prayers for my grandad please - he has got a really bad chest infection, breathing is even harder for him, and it is making it much harder for him to swallow, meaning that choking is of higher risk...so can we pray that he gets better as soon as possible to help all of us - including my babcia.

i hope everyone is well...i might have an interview with tearfund on saturday - can we also pray for me (big headed i know) to hope that my application goes forward well

zosh xxx

well...

so i havnt blogged for a long time...and there have been a few reasons why. i tried to stop my anti-depressants again cos i just wanted to see how long i could go on without them - -that was not the best of ideas really...i didnt really work. i tried to make out that i was ok and that nothing was bothering me that much, but really i was hurting so much inside and retreating, and just trying to block it all out, and not face any of the problems that i have - which is the wrong way to go about it all. doing that actually just highlighted all the things that i think are so wrong with me, and the way that my life is going at the mo that it made me feel worse...so back on them i am again...plus i was getting really bad symotms and work was really hard.

work is ok - i have been there for two weeks now, and have made friends with people on my floor. i went out with some of them on monday (two of my mates had been dumped), and we all drunk through our problems - not a particularly good idea i know - it wasnt a pleasant evening. but have made a lovely friend in charlotte, who sits next to me and makes me chuckle..she realised i havnt been that happy recently and sat me down, and did the whole talk that i have been through with many peopel....but it is hard for me. i have tried to do what some people have suggested in that i write a list of what i dont lime about myself, and then improve on them one by one, but the list was getting too long, and some things i doubt i will ever be able to change - so that failed.

but to end this entry on a light note - if you have read dear James' blog you will have read the good and very exciting news! Congratulations James and Ella, you are two lovely people and special friends, and i know that you will be very happy together. I am very chuffed for you both.

its quite sad - i openly admit it when telly makes you cry - but i have just watched Eastenders, and dots cancer thing has really hit home...the ending was lucky for dot, but for so many its not that lucky, and that just reminded me of my gran, who died six years ago, and its just so upsetting. you then think about all the other illnesses that just cannot be treated - my grandad who is bed bound suffering so badly with multi-infarct dementia...it hurts me so much to see him lying there, when i know he knows nothing of what is going on around him. and then i think of all those innocent children who lost their lives today over stupid bloody wars that dont have to happen...the world is full of nasty illnesses that disable and slowly kill people in terrrible terrible ways, and then you get mindless idiots (to put it politely) who go and kill people who have their whole lives ahead of them, and the only decision they made that day was to go to school - somewhere that should be safe for them to go. seriously whre is the world going? people threatening live executions, rape, war, violence...is there no end to this suffering?

you can tell that i am having one of those days...i have just got so much on my mind it is untrue. i am scared that now i have left uni, everyone that i have left behind there is going to forget about me, or lose contact with me, or not see me as a friend anymore. especially as all my close friends are still there being able to spend time with each other, in each others company, and i am so far away. i am scared that i am just not getting better at all. that i still really and truly depend upon my anti-depressants. i have really tried to stop taking them, but it didnt work, and the doctor suggested that i continue with my dose. i am scared that i am just not coping. and i am scared that i am still on my own.

i went for a drink after work with my work mate charlotte, and it was just such a good conversation. I have known this girl for a week, and yet we feel like we can tell each other everything. she cheers me up at work, i cheer her up. she has had a tough life too, and i pray for her, as she had a particularly hard day today, and i could not do anything to help.

and also i pray for some very special people. they should know who they are right now. one makes me laugh like nobody else, and i thank them for the help they gave me at uni, and that we remain good friends. the other i am proud of like you wouldnt believe, the strenghth and the inspiration, and total love i get was crazy, and you really and truly deserve all that you get in the future.

i just hope that every day that goes past we can be thankful that we are alive, and have people around us to look out for us.

working girl...

well yesterday and today were my first days at my job - i am working for the legal services commission in the family and children department...what the commission does is it pays for the fees of solicitors when the people in question cannot pay themselevs, and my department are to do with cases involving child abuse/domestic violence/and anything regarding distruption in fmaily life. I am an administrators assisstant - not a glamorous job, but all the earnings that I get will be going towards my travel, which i am getting closer and closer to organise...i havnt had to do anything much yet as i have been shadowing the person whose job i am taking over, so i am still a bit uncertain as to the role that i take..but we had a team lunch today, and i was talking to other people in the department and they all seem very friendly and have told me not to worry, and my boss Fernando is willing to help me...well everyone really...so we will wait and see how it goes. the worst thing about the job so far was on thursday morning when i got my monthly ticket to London, i had to pay £106.80 - before it had even turned 8 o'clock - good morning wolrd.

have been feeling very very down recently...i dont quite know what it is...i think that i am just missing being around my friends all the time and i am finding it very hard to adjust to being back home - its hard. the hairdresser i had the other day was in the same boat, so we had a moan about it together, but i dont know...i think that i just miss the laughs and stuff that i had at uni, and all the jokes and advemtures and just general niceness of it all. but then there are my usual worries as well, and they seem to be heightened at the moment and i just dont understand why...its all so strange...but i am not that happy, and so well there we go.

apart from that, will have the house completely to myself over the weekend as both bros are away...that will give me time and space to think (that might be the dangerous part for me), but i should have some relax to do...and then the rest of the week will be work, and getting to know what i do actually have to do good and proper. i think that i will enjoy working there as everyone seems so friednly, and once i start a proper routine i reckon it will be easier too. i just hope that theu like me in the office and i can do the jobs to the standard that they want the work to be done.

have a nice bank holiday weekend everyone - hope its all going well for everyone else...or as well as it can be anyways.

lots of love and hugs
zosh xxx

research..

now i thought i had it all planned out, and that i wanted to become an organisational psychologist...that is until i did some research into post-grad courses and there are just so many great things out there for me to do...wil just have to do some more thinking...

job starts on thursay -i have some smart clothes - on thurs and fri will see what other people in the office wear and then get some stuff at the weekend - the bugger is my monthly rail ticket costs £105 - now that is just silly.

less than 10 hours before parents leave for 2 1/2 weeks - bros and i just cant wait - will have some space at last.

a friend of mine snr me a text in that in his job he does sweet FA...well mate - lets see what you say when your MA begins!!! might just have to go and see your new house too...

not much else has happened today - oh i got the lion king vid for £5 in Oxfam - great! and they sell loads of fair trade stuff too - i got some muesli type bar things for work...

love zoshxx