So I have not blogged for a while...in fact nearly 4 months. This is a long time. Lots has happened...a new year, a new Pope.
But there has been a reason I have not blogged for a while - I have been ill. Yes, I have a cold, but that did not stop me blogging. But clinical exhaustion did. The end of my PhD was adrenaline filled, and so was my trip to Rome (which was awesome...I loved Rome and had some special times out there), but when I got back...I stopped. I sat down...and metaphorically could not stand up again. My mood crashed, I was a crying wreck, I hurt and everything was an effort.
The doctor told me to do nothing for a month...not as easy as it sounds. I didnt do much mentally, but I started to produce stuff that we can sell for WYD fundraising. I was told not to do any job hunting for a month, and to just try and get better.
A few months on, and I am still tired. I get tired very easily and am not back to full strength. Mood wise I am totally up and down.
All this is not helped by the fact that in many parts of my life I am at the 'in-between stage'. In-between submission and viva, in-between jobs, my relationship status is improving but its tough, and so yeah, this in-between stage sucks.
Last week I was rejected for 3 jobs...that was tough...and so yeah
Prayers for health, successful fundraising ventures and a job will be helpful.
I am PhD Student...I like gin. I am getting over a tough few years, and I talk about Taize a lot.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 02, 2012
So, I said the other day that I was yet to do the review of my Taize trip this summer, and so here it goes...
Once again, I went for 2 weeks this year, for many reasons, I wanted to go for that length of time, I was going with some people from church in my first week, and meeting the East Anglia group for the second week - so the two weeks would have a completely different atmosphere.
On the evening of the first day, after having been very very hot, there was the most horrific thunderstorm,,,it prevented me from queing up for sunday dinner (not such a great loss), but I did get out of the tent to run to evening prayer. I have a phobia of thunderstorms....this was not good. But ear-plugs in and being very tired after a night on a coach, I fell asleep pretty easily.
In my first week, I went to be pretty early each night (well in comparison to the second week) to go to 7:30 Mass every morning - I love doing this in Taize. It is quite an intimate service...but there seemed to be a huge number of priests!!
The Bible studies for the week were based on community and how to keep the community together, based on the theme for the next 3 years in Taize - towards a new solidarity. These were taken from both the Old and the New Testament, and provided much food for thought. We had brother Matthew this week - who on seeing me arrive to the Bible study, made some sarcastic comment towards me...and when one evening I went to ask him a question about that days Bible study, all he did was role his eyes and say, what do you want...not the best of welcomes from the brother, but hey, I lived with it for the week. After the English regional meeting on the Thursday, brother Paolo asked to meet me the next day.
This meeting was a really good meeting. I met him after a Bible study on suffering (did not need this, when on going out one of the last things I had heard was that Ben had taken a turn for the worse, and the things we had in place so that I could be told about anything if he died when I was out there), and so I was pretty much gone and upset. We talked about a range of things, and he just supported me, told me that in the 6 years that I have been going to Taize he has seen a big growth in me, and that I had developed into a beautiful (if somewhat skinny) young lady! He said that in my second week, I didnot have to do a Bible study, or small groups, but could take time for me, and go for walks etc. I was very grateful for this chance to talk to him openly and honestly and for him to listen. I was also invited for lunch at the long-term permanent stay girls accomodation, as a friend of mine had been there since January and had gained permission to have me over for lunch. This is the closest that we can really get to 'lunch with the brothers' for the girls...I got to sit at a table, wat with a knife and fork, and ate a lot...and had salad!! salad!! so yes, that was a higlight of the week
on the last day of the week, a friend and I walked up to Bray as she had never been, and we prayed in the church. On the way back down, some men who live in the house nearby invited us in for beer - it was a really hot day, so we took them up on their offer, and had one, and then made our quick exit when new victims were welcomed in. The candle service was as beautiful as ever, and that saturday night was so noisey!
I was awake really early on the sunday morning, hearing suitcases coming and going, but did not want to get out of the tent. I heard Anne was up and we chatted for a bit, and then I awaited the arrival of EA. The trio who came by car arrived first and it was great to see them, and I gave them each a huge hug, and they were happy with the space that I had saved them throughout week one!! The coach then arrived and I welcomed the rest of EA in my pyjamas.
Some EA tents were up before Sunday Eurachist, some were not, but we had our area marked. After we set up camp for them properly, and it was so good to have friends around me, literally! I waved off my friends from week one, and then went to join EA ready for week two. I got some maps from Paolo about surrounding areas to Taize and how to get to them, and went back to camp and just chatted with the group.
Monday was a bit of a weird day. I woke up, went to Mass and was doing OK. Was very much cheered when Frere Emile came into tent P to give us our Bible study....This is the 4th year that I have had him doing Bible studies, and he does not ever fail to impress me. I had already seen him in week one to chat to him about some stuff, and he took it all on board and looked out for a few of us throughout the week. But then after lunch on Monday afternoon, I got very sick, and could not keep food down, and felt very faint and ill. It was a bit crap, but a friend found me somewhere cool to sit, sat with me until I felt better, and then made sure that I ate for tea.
The week progressed, with early mornings for Mass and very late nights through chatting and night prayer. Emotions were tough, and after one Bible study that was very close to the bone, I turned around to my friend and said 'Bite me'. On wednesday evening we had the usual EA Mass in the crypt, a very tearful affair when we remembered Bishop Michael and Fr Ben. Brother Paolo came to join us, and at the end exclaimed "well, I never thought that the Mass would be that emotional". To top this off, I had just had my meeting with my spiritual director before the Mass...a long and tough meeting, but a lot of fruit also came from it.
On Friday we made our pilgrimage to Bray after midday prayer. A group of us walked up there, and were joined by the two who had driven to the shop to get picnic provisions. We had a service in the church up there and then we had a beauiful picnic outside the church in the blazing sunshine. As a result of a few of us getting truly emotional up there, we made a dual trip back. This then made praying around the cross very difficult, but also very worthwhile!
This year we also found a way into the sunflower fields which were amazing. Ben used to love the fields - and they are pretty special. so we thought of him there, and had some deep discussions ourselves, digging into places that really hurt, to try and heal that. We are both still digging and trying to heal now.
Leaving Taize this year was a gut wrenching as usual. I was in the car being driven back, with one person who is contracted to go to Taize but does not really like it, and three of us very sad to leave, shedding a tear as we turned out from the community.
I say every year..why do I go somewhere that leaves me more emotionally drained then I was when I arrived there. But the answer is because of the support I get there, the love of God I feel there, and the great Biblical input that I get when out there. This year friendships were truly strengthened, and I gained a younger sister!
Obviously, when we were out there Fr Ben was in our prayers, talking about what Ben would have done, or said, and remembering his wit and humour. He was missed this year, and we miss him now. But Ben was with us in spirit, and we can now rest with the knowledge that he will always be with us, and hopefully guide us in prayer.
Once again, I went for 2 weeks this year, for many reasons, I wanted to go for that length of time, I was going with some people from church in my first week, and meeting the East Anglia group for the second week - so the two weeks would have a completely different atmosphere.
On the evening of the first day, after having been very very hot, there was the most horrific thunderstorm,,,it prevented me from queing up for sunday dinner (not such a great loss), but I did get out of the tent to run to evening prayer. I have a phobia of thunderstorms....this was not good. But ear-plugs in and being very tired after a night on a coach, I fell asleep pretty easily.
In my first week, I went to be pretty early each night (well in comparison to the second week) to go to 7:30 Mass every morning - I love doing this in Taize. It is quite an intimate service...but there seemed to be a huge number of priests!!
The Bible studies for the week were based on community and how to keep the community together, based on the theme for the next 3 years in Taize - towards a new solidarity. These were taken from both the Old and the New Testament, and provided much food for thought. We had brother Matthew this week - who on seeing me arrive to the Bible study, made some sarcastic comment towards me...and when one evening I went to ask him a question about that days Bible study, all he did was role his eyes and say, what do you want...not the best of welcomes from the brother, but hey, I lived with it for the week. After the English regional meeting on the Thursday, brother Paolo asked to meet me the next day.
This meeting was a really good meeting. I met him after a Bible study on suffering (did not need this, when on going out one of the last things I had heard was that Ben had taken a turn for the worse, and the things we had in place so that I could be told about anything if he died when I was out there), and so I was pretty much gone and upset. We talked about a range of things, and he just supported me, told me that in the 6 years that I have been going to Taize he has seen a big growth in me, and that I had developed into a beautiful (if somewhat skinny) young lady! He said that in my second week, I didnot have to do a Bible study, or small groups, but could take time for me, and go for walks etc. I was very grateful for this chance to talk to him openly and honestly and for him to listen. I was also invited for lunch at the long-term permanent stay girls accomodation, as a friend of mine had been there since January and had gained permission to have me over for lunch. This is the closest that we can really get to 'lunch with the brothers' for the girls...I got to sit at a table, wat with a knife and fork, and ate a lot...and had salad!! salad!! so yes, that was a higlight of the week
on the last day of the week, a friend and I walked up to Bray as she had never been, and we prayed in the church. On the way back down, some men who live in the house nearby invited us in for beer - it was a really hot day, so we took them up on their offer, and had one, and then made our quick exit when new victims were welcomed in. The candle service was as beautiful as ever, and that saturday night was so noisey!
I was awake really early on the sunday morning, hearing suitcases coming and going, but did not want to get out of the tent. I heard Anne was up and we chatted for a bit, and then I awaited the arrival of EA. The trio who came by car arrived first and it was great to see them, and I gave them each a huge hug, and they were happy with the space that I had saved them throughout week one!! The coach then arrived and I welcomed the rest of EA in my pyjamas.
Some EA tents were up before Sunday Eurachist, some were not, but we had our area marked. After we set up camp for them properly, and it was so good to have friends around me, literally! I waved off my friends from week one, and then went to join EA ready for week two. I got some maps from Paolo about surrounding areas to Taize and how to get to them, and went back to camp and just chatted with the group.
Monday was a bit of a weird day. I woke up, went to Mass and was doing OK. Was very much cheered when Frere Emile came into tent P to give us our Bible study....This is the 4th year that I have had him doing Bible studies, and he does not ever fail to impress me. I had already seen him in week one to chat to him about some stuff, and he took it all on board and looked out for a few of us throughout the week. But then after lunch on Monday afternoon, I got very sick, and could not keep food down, and felt very faint and ill. It was a bit crap, but a friend found me somewhere cool to sit, sat with me until I felt better, and then made sure that I ate for tea.
The week progressed, with early mornings for Mass and very late nights through chatting and night prayer. Emotions were tough, and after one Bible study that was very close to the bone, I turned around to my friend and said 'Bite me'. On wednesday evening we had the usual EA Mass in the crypt, a very tearful affair when we remembered Bishop Michael and Fr Ben. Brother Paolo came to join us, and at the end exclaimed "well, I never thought that the Mass would be that emotional". To top this off, I had just had my meeting with my spiritual director before the Mass...a long and tough meeting, but a lot of fruit also came from it.
On Friday we made our pilgrimage to Bray after midday prayer. A group of us walked up there, and were joined by the two who had driven to the shop to get picnic provisions. We had a service in the church up there and then we had a beauiful picnic outside the church in the blazing sunshine. As a result of a few of us getting truly emotional up there, we made a dual trip back. This then made praying around the cross very difficult, but also very worthwhile!
This year we also found a way into the sunflower fields which were amazing. Ben used to love the fields - and they are pretty special. so we thought of him there, and had some deep discussions ourselves, digging into places that really hurt, to try and heal that. We are both still digging and trying to heal now.
Leaving Taize this year was a gut wrenching as usual. I was in the car being driven back, with one person who is contracted to go to Taize but does not really like it, and three of us very sad to leave, shedding a tear as we turned out from the community.
I say every year..why do I go somewhere that leaves me more emotionally drained then I was when I arrived there. But the answer is because of the support I get there, the love of God I feel there, and the great Biblical input that I get when out there. This year friendships were truly strengthened, and I gained a younger sister!
Obviously, when we were out there Fr Ben was in our prayers, talking about what Ben would have done, or said, and remembering his wit and humour. He was missed this year, and we miss him now. But Ben was with us in spirit, and we can now rest with the knowledge that he will always be with us, and hopefully guide us in prayer.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
So, it has been an age since I last blogged....am sorry. I have been so very busy. Life has somewhat taken over.
Firstly, my body seems to be taking a very long time to adjust to the meds this time. I am continuously tired...no matter how much I sleep, I am tired. My head is usually hurting most days and all I want to do is sleep. But I am battling on with it.
Secondly, obviously my PhD is taking over. It is less than a month until I submit the project that I have been working on for the best part of 4 years. I am busily compiling the whole document. My boss has just received the my amended discussion chapter and conclusions...and I am nearly there. So tired, but nearly there.
Thirdly, I have realised I still have not done the Taize write up for this year - I will, probably at the weekend. But some of what happened at Taize has shaped these last few months.
All in all, life has dealt me some blows in the last few months, but it has also provided me times of great joy and laughter. It is all very confusing, but God must be working there, somewhere
Firstly, my body seems to be taking a very long time to adjust to the meds this time. I am continuously tired...no matter how much I sleep, I am tired. My head is usually hurting most days and all I want to do is sleep. But I am battling on with it.
Secondly, obviously my PhD is taking over. It is less than a month until I submit the project that I have been working on for the best part of 4 years. I am busily compiling the whole document. My boss has just received the my amended discussion chapter and conclusions...and I am nearly there. So tired, but nearly there.
Thirdly, I have realised I still have not done the Taize write up for this year - I will, probably at the weekend. But some of what happened at Taize has shaped these last few months.
All in all, life has dealt me some blows in the last few months, but it has also provided me times of great joy and laughter. It is all very confusing, but God must be working there, somewhere
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Ben's funeral was a beautiful, poignant and moving occassion. We were reminded of Ben's character, his humour, and the change in him after his ordination. Ben often talked about 'everything being gift' - the gift of life, the gift of ordination, the gift of friendship, the gifts that God gives us. Ben's life was a gift, his priestly ministry was a gift, and the teachings that he wrote when suffering are a gift, and they can be used to help us in our teaching. There were times of laughter during thr eulogy, and many many tears as well. It was a funeral that Ben asked for, and one that we as his friends were sad to be having to attend after such a short life, but we were all proud to be seen as his friends, and celebrate his life.
Life has been a little strange...my body is re-adjusting to the medication, I have about 6 weeks left of the PhD (although I have not been paid for 5 months), and still no idea about what to do next...although I have some pilgrimgages booked...Rome and Rio await!
A tough october....maybe November will be easier on me.
Life has been a little strange...my body is re-adjusting to the medication, I have about 6 weeks left of the PhD (although I have not been paid for 5 months), and still no idea about what to do next...although I have some pilgrimgages booked...Rome and Rio await!
A tough october....maybe November will be easier on me.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
In these last few days I have been blessed with people offering me hugs (both real and virtual) and support, and have provided a sympathetic ear. Ben will be missed, by many, but the love that has been expressed is a blessing.
As preparations for his funeral are underway, we pray for him and his family, his friends and the diocese of East Anglia at this sad time
As preparations for his funeral are underway, we pray for him and his family, his friends and the diocese of East Anglia at this sad time
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
I have stepped back 18 months and am back on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. It has been a tough month and that is the way the cookie crumbled. Pray for me.
In other news, I went to visit Fr Ben at the hospice at the weekend with 2 other friends. On walking out after saying goodbye, the three of us just stood in the entrance and cried. He is still going, but incredibly weak and it is so so sad. Pray for him.
In other news, I went to visit Fr Ben at the hospice at the weekend with 2 other friends. On walking out after saying goodbye, the three of us just stood in the entrance and cried. He is still going, but incredibly weak and it is so so sad. Pray for him.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
My two week retreat to Taize for this year has been and gone - it flew by. I know I say this every year, but this year, I really could have done with more time out there, as I am in a discernment process and was just getting myself to a good place when it became time to leave.
I need time to digest what happened out there, so a full update will be given soon.
On another note, Fr Ben took a decline in health just before I went out - but it seems that out prayers are working as he is as stable as he can be right now. Frere Alois was informed of his situation, and sent him a personal note back with the EA pilgrims - we were all incredibly touched by his gesture of kindness.
I need time to digest what happened out there, so a full update will be given soon.
On another note, Fr Ben took a decline in health just before I went out - but it seems that out prayers are working as he is as stable as he can be right now. Frere Alois was informed of his situation, and sent him a personal note back with the EA pilgrims - we were all incredibly touched by his gesture of kindness.
Friday, August 03, 2012
Its been a busy week....getting the last bits of work done, entertaining a guest, going to morning Mass which I dont normally hve the opportunity to do (and as per usual, when I go, being asked to serve when there), cooking for my guest, baby sitting, doing some chapter amendments, going shopping, and trying to get my mind ready as soon I will be going on retreat, with so so so many situations and people to pray for. So, this retreat should be a good time to really sort out my time with God and put that back on track a bit. Here's hoping anyway.
News about Fr Ben has not been the most positive in the last few days, so if you could keep him in prayer that would be very kind of you. May God give him strength, and keep his mood positive and his amazing humour strong.
News about Fr Ben has not been the most positive in the last few days, so if you could keep him in prayer that would be very kind of you. May God give him strength, and keep his mood positive and his amazing humour strong.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Prayer...I have been praying a lot recently, for a range of things in a range of ways, some of it hasn't been easy, but at the end of the day it can only be a good thing. I remember when I was a confirmation catechist earlier in the year a young person asked me why I prayed. I came up with some waffly answer, but it did the trick - he seemed satisfied with my reasons and said that he was going to "try it out".
Anyway, I watched Shadowlands again this weekend. A poignant time to watch a film like that, when one of your friends is dying of cancer...but there was this awesome quote about prayer:
"That is not why I pray. I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I am helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God, it changes me"
Now that is the answer I should have given to my young people.
Shadowlands is a great film - very very moving. It makes me want to read C.S Lewis stuff all over again. Maybe, later in the year it may be a good time to read such things.
Please keep Fr Ben in your prayers - he needs them.
Anyway, I watched Shadowlands again this weekend. A poignant time to watch a film like that, when one of your friends is dying of cancer...but there was this awesome quote about prayer:
"That is not why I pray. I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I am helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God, it changes me"
Now that is the answer I should have given to my young people.
Shadowlands is a great film - very very moving. It makes me want to read C.S Lewis stuff all over again. Maybe, later in the year it may be a good time to read such things.
Please keep Fr Ben in your prayers - he needs them.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
This weekend was a first for me...it was the first time that I have helped out at a Diocesan Youth Festival. About 5 months ago, I received a phone call..."Zosia, we are going to hold a youth festival called IGNITE, and we really want a Taize night prayer for the first evening...will you do it?" I said yes...of course. Not just because it was Luke and Hamish asking me, but because I genuinely wanted to do it...and the East Anglia Diocese have been a huge help to me over the last few years.
As the weeks got closer, I found myself also leading a workshop called "God speaks to us", and then last Wednesday, I found myself answering another phone call with the question "can you do the Sunday morning talk?".."What on" I reply..."oh, you know, the call to holiness, saints of the 3rd millennium, community, The Eucharist...".."Ok" I say...
So on Friday afternoon I arrive in a very wet Norwich, we make our way to the boarding school in Swaffham where IGNITE was to be held, and began the setting up. While I let the men sort out the sounding and the lighting in the Gym...Fr Luke and I set about transforming a french classroom into a chapel. This was more successful then I though - bed linen is brilliant! I took up various bits of material from my church, we had Bishop Michaels Taize cross, various icons that Fr Luke had painted and set about making an altar and prayer spaces. At 11:30pm, we left the school and headed back to Norwich, via ASDA to pick up more bed linen to finish up the next day and food. At 12pm/am, we put food in the oven and started to plan the openning liturgies, prayers and talks for the next 2 hours. After less than 4 hours sleep in the guest room at Cathedral House I was up again finishing up and making our way back to the school to finish setting up.
Saturday started off with a Mass for a small number of us, so that we could have the Blessed Sacrament present in the chapel, and we finished set up, just in time for the arrivals of everyone. The opening liturgy included prayer and praise, a meditation about answering Gods call (using Mary and the Magnificat as an example....a 1:30am gin induced idea), and a Christian Mime artist...lunch, a key note talk from Fr Luke, free time (and the chance for the sacrament of Reconciliation) followed by workshops...after my workshop which was in the chapel, I set about changing the layout for evening Taize prayer...but that could only be finished off with the arrival of things later in the evening. I then took the opportunity for confession myself, and made my way to the BBQ.
In the evening, two very powerful events happened. Steve Murray, a Christian Mime artist performed for us - for about an hour, and did an amazing mime about the passion of Christ - I was literally moved to tears - it was amazing. I had to miss the concert as I had to set up chapel for Taize prayer which was in complete candlelight - and this turned out to be far more emotional than I could have ever imagined. Obviously, Bishop Michael was in our thoughts (the first anniversary of his death had just passed), but also Fr Ben is very much in our thoughts. But the service was beautiful, just emotional, with many of us going outside to have a good cry - not a wee-, but a big snotty cry. Even Hamish, who does not like Taize, came to find me to tell me he liked it... A hunt for a memory stick, and much de-waxing of a chapel later, I made my way to the convent where the female 'special guests' were staying for the night, and I took a Katie in with me - I had a room with 4 beds in it - she was going to have a crash mat...it made sense!
Little sleep later, and sunday morning came, with breakfast, morning prayer of the church, and then my talk. After we had Mass preparation, Mass, lunch, and that was it,,,Ignite was done. Obviously we had a huge clear up operation, and post the removal of the blessed sacrament from chapel, we began dismantling, with many hands on deck, music blasting from my speakers and dancing!
On Sunday evening, Fr Luke and I drove to visit Fr Ben in his hospice - I was not going to go all the way to Norwich and not visit him. This was a wonderfully blessed time - Ben was in good spirits (he had been with his family earlier in the day) but was tired and weak. We talked about his ordination, and how he has previously said "give me a system and I will smash it", and he was happy when I told him I may be venturing into youth ministry, and just general chit chat - until about 10-15 minutes later he became very week, so we received a blessing and allowed him to rest. On the way back to Norwich in the car, I let the tears fall. Questioning - why? Why?
On Monday I went to Mass in the Cathedral, Hamish popped over to say goodbye and then I made my way back to the office!
I was very lucky to have been part of IGNITE...time spent among friends, meeting new people, being thrown in at the deep end and having time to pray, and think about the future was brilliant.
Please continue to pray for Fr Ben - he is being such a witness of grace and gift - but he does need prayers.
Thank you once again EA for taking me in, and letting me be in amongst you. I am very grateful.
As the weeks got closer, I found myself also leading a workshop called "God speaks to us", and then last Wednesday, I found myself answering another phone call with the question "can you do the Sunday morning talk?".."What on" I reply..."oh, you know, the call to holiness, saints of the 3rd millennium, community, The Eucharist...".."Ok" I say...
So on Friday afternoon I arrive in a very wet Norwich, we make our way to the boarding school in Swaffham where IGNITE was to be held, and began the setting up. While I let the men sort out the sounding and the lighting in the Gym...Fr Luke and I set about transforming a french classroom into a chapel. This was more successful then I though - bed linen is brilliant! I took up various bits of material from my church, we had Bishop Michaels Taize cross, various icons that Fr Luke had painted and set about making an altar and prayer spaces. At 11:30pm, we left the school and headed back to Norwich, via ASDA to pick up more bed linen to finish up the next day and food. At 12pm/am, we put food in the oven and started to plan the openning liturgies, prayers and talks for the next 2 hours. After less than 4 hours sleep in the guest room at Cathedral House I was up again finishing up and making our way back to the school to finish setting up.
Saturday started off with a Mass for a small number of us, so that we could have the Blessed Sacrament present in the chapel, and we finished set up, just in time for the arrivals of everyone. The opening liturgy included prayer and praise, a meditation about answering Gods call (using Mary and the Magnificat as an example....a 1:30am gin induced idea), and a Christian Mime artist...lunch, a key note talk from Fr Luke, free time (and the chance for the sacrament of Reconciliation) followed by workshops...after my workshop which was in the chapel, I set about changing the layout for evening Taize prayer...but that could only be finished off with the arrival of things later in the evening. I then took the opportunity for confession myself, and made my way to the BBQ.
In the evening, two very powerful events happened. Steve Murray, a Christian Mime artist performed for us - for about an hour, and did an amazing mime about the passion of Christ - I was literally moved to tears - it was amazing. I had to miss the concert as I had to set up chapel for Taize prayer which was in complete candlelight - and this turned out to be far more emotional than I could have ever imagined. Obviously, Bishop Michael was in our thoughts (the first anniversary of his death had just passed), but also Fr Ben is very much in our thoughts. But the service was beautiful, just emotional, with many of us going outside to have a good cry - not a wee-, but a big snotty cry. Even Hamish, who does not like Taize, came to find me to tell me he liked it... A hunt for a memory stick, and much de-waxing of a chapel later, I made my way to the convent where the female 'special guests' were staying for the night, and I took a Katie in with me - I had a room with 4 beds in it - she was going to have a crash mat...it made sense!
Little sleep later, and sunday morning came, with breakfast, morning prayer of the church, and then my talk. After we had Mass preparation, Mass, lunch, and that was it,,,Ignite was done. Obviously we had a huge clear up operation, and post the removal of the blessed sacrament from chapel, we began dismantling, with many hands on deck, music blasting from my speakers and dancing!
On Sunday evening, Fr Luke and I drove to visit Fr Ben in his hospice - I was not going to go all the way to Norwich and not visit him. This was a wonderfully blessed time - Ben was in good spirits (he had been with his family earlier in the day) but was tired and weak. We talked about his ordination, and how he has previously said "give me a system and I will smash it", and he was happy when I told him I may be venturing into youth ministry, and just general chit chat - until about 10-15 minutes later he became very week, so we received a blessing and allowed him to rest. On the way back to Norwich in the car, I let the tears fall. Questioning - why? Why?
On Monday I went to Mass in the Cathedral, Hamish popped over to say goodbye and then I made my way back to the office!
I was very lucky to have been part of IGNITE...time spent among friends, meeting new people, being thrown in at the deep end and having time to pray, and think about the future was brilliant.
Please continue to pray for Fr Ben - he is being such a witness of grace and gift - but he does need prayers.
Thank you once again EA for taking me in, and letting me be in amongst you. I am very grateful.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
So, I would like to say a MASSIVE thanks to James who let me guest blog on his blog the other day about Fr Ben's ordination so we could get the prayers up. I am hugely grateful, and I am sure that Fr Ben is also grateful for the prayers.
I have had a lot of emotions recently. Last Friday it was extreme anger when I found out that I was the only PhD student not to receive further funding to finish their PhD post centre closure. This was followed by many tears, and then reflection. Reflection, came last - it should have been first. I still do not know what is going on, but I have a great supervisor who is checking on my mental health all the time (he knows that the Ben news has knocked me slightly too), and is going to fight a battle foe funding for me. So all is not lost. I went on a church away day where I was asked to give a talk about community and the Eucharist, and that went down really positively, so that cheered me up!
And today, well, today I have had a relatively positive PhD supervision - these have been rare of late if I am being honest, so when I was receiving feedback for a results chapter that my boss had not seen at all, or really even discussed with me, and a) he liked my findings (I am bored of them, but he liked them) and b) issues that I have had with other chapters were not present here, I was somewhat happy! Obviously, it needs tidying up and amending, but it was not all bad! woop!
Half a day of work tomorrow before I head up to Norwich to help run some sessions at IGNITE youth festival for East Anglia Catholic Diocese! I am leading a session called "God speaks to us" (prayers for that please), and co-ordinating the Taize prayer in the evening (this I have planned!). So it should be a good weekend....and if he is well enough, I may also pop to see Fr Ben who has moved back to EA to get the care he needs.
I have had a lot of emotions recently. Last Friday it was extreme anger when I found out that I was the only PhD student not to receive further funding to finish their PhD post centre closure. This was followed by many tears, and then reflection. Reflection, came last - it should have been first. I still do not know what is going on, but I have a great supervisor who is checking on my mental health all the time (he knows that the Ben news has knocked me slightly too), and is going to fight a battle foe funding for me. So all is not lost. I went on a church away day where I was asked to give a talk about community and the Eucharist, and that went down really positively, so that cheered me up!
And today, well, today I have had a relatively positive PhD supervision - these have been rare of late if I am being honest, so when I was receiving feedback for a results chapter that my boss had not seen at all, or really even discussed with me, and a) he liked my findings (I am bored of them, but he liked them) and b) issues that I have had with other chapters were not present here, I was somewhat happy! Obviously, it needs tidying up and amending, but it was not all bad! woop!
Half a day of work tomorrow before I head up to Norwich to help run some sessions at IGNITE youth festival for East Anglia Catholic Diocese! I am leading a session called "God speaks to us" (prayers for that please), and co-ordinating the Taize prayer in the evening (this I have planned!). So it should be a good weekend....and if he is well enough, I may also pop to see Fr Ben who has moved back to EA to get the care he needs.
Monday, July 02, 2012
Another Ben update...well technically that should read Fr Ben update...Ben took a turn for the worse, and so on Saturday he was ordained even though he is only in his 3rd year. I rushed up to go and support him with a few other friends...what a beautiful, heart-wrenching, poignant service. Ben was courageous and strong throughout, and at the end of the service there was a spontaneous round of applause that went of for ages, and Ben found the strength to stand up and turn round to face us all...with such joy on his face. He gave us all a blessing as we left the chapel, and I spoke with him for a few minutes, trying my upmost not to cry. Then when I could, when I was out of sight, I walked away in tears.
I am so happy that I went up to support him on his day. His strength, courage, hope and trust in the Lord was an incredible witness, even through his horrific illness. What grace that on Sunday, I heard he was able to celebrate his first Mass at seminary for a few other priests - amazing grace.
I kind of feel that Saturday was a bit of a dream. Travelling the distance, seeing this act of love and service and humility, tears of joy, and tears of sadness. And once again, I was made to feel so welcome amongst the EA clergy...
And to end on a lighter note, I got to sit on another papal chair (with the permission of the rector of the seminary), and after this ordination, I did not fall down any stairs and hit my head.
Please continue to pray for Fr Ben...he truly appreciates them and needs them
I am so happy that I went up to support him on his day. His strength, courage, hope and trust in the Lord was an incredible witness, even through his horrific illness. What grace that on Sunday, I heard he was able to celebrate his first Mass at seminary for a few other priests - amazing grace.
I kind of feel that Saturday was a bit of a dream. Travelling the distance, seeing this act of love and service and humility, tears of joy, and tears of sadness. And once again, I was made to feel so welcome amongst the EA clergy...
And to end on a lighter note, I got to sit on another papal chair (with the permission of the rector of the seminary), and after this ordination, I did not fall down any stairs and hit my head.
Please continue to pray for Fr Ben...he truly appreciates them and needs them
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I am wanting to have my second results chapter done by the end of the week, giving me enough time to be on course for a first draft of every chapter of the thesis before my break...at the moment, I have 11,000 words left for the discussion - this should be enough...but I am sure we can chop some of my results down a bit, or my literature, so I should be ok for the 100,000 word limit...it is strange - 100,000 words at my disposal, and there is still a chance of going over the word limit.
Was given some advice about prayer of discernment the other day - took it last night...have to say, it was quite powerful stuff.
2 weeks until Ignite - my first try at running some sessions at an organised youth weekend...quite excited. And yes, I have also been asked to co-ordinate a Taize prayer at the event. good stuff
Was given some advice about prayer of discernment the other day - took it last night...have to say, it was quite powerful stuff.
2 weeks until Ignite - my first try at running some sessions at an organised youth weekend...quite excited. And yes, I have also been asked to co-ordinate a Taize prayer at the event. good stuff
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Published!!!
Well, in Southwark Archdiocese anyway! This months edition of our diocesan newspaper "The Pilgrim" contains my article....and not just that, but they have put it on a 2 page spread on the centre pages!! It is all very exciting! In fact, somebody pointed out to me that they also had my photo on the front page!! I will give you all one guess as to what my article was about...!! But they also put Bishop Paul's article about the service I invited him to in there, and a little section about the new Taize CTS booklet that Fr Bryan, my parish priest wrote. So all in all, in every parish in Southwark Archdiocese this morning, the new edition of the Pilgrim will have been offered to parishioners, and my article will be there for all to read.
In other news, I was at St George's Cathedral yesterday for a training day for Diocesan catechists which was very interesting and ended with a Mass with Archbishop Peter thanking us all for our work, and commissioning us to go out to continue teaching the faith....so my friend and I, went out to the pub!
And this evening, I have just returned from 'face to face with Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor at the local Methodist church - the methodist minister questionning him for about an hour. It was a big shame there was no time for questions from the audience, I had loads to ask....but never mind....
Well, in Southwark Archdiocese anyway! This months edition of our diocesan newspaper "The Pilgrim" contains my article....and not just that, but they have put it on a 2 page spread on the centre pages!! It is all very exciting! In fact, somebody pointed out to me that they also had my photo on the front page!! I will give you all one guess as to what my article was about...!! But they also put Bishop Paul's article about the service I invited him to in there, and a little section about the new Taize CTS booklet that Fr Bryan, my parish priest wrote. So all in all, in every parish in Southwark Archdiocese this morning, the new edition of the Pilgrim will have been offered to parishioners, and my article will be there for all to read.
In other news, I was at St George's Cathedral yesterday for a training day for Diocesan catechists which was very interesting and ended with a Mass with Archbishop Peter thanking us all for our work, and commissioning us to go out to continue teaching the faith....so my friend and I, went out to the pub!
And this evening, I have just returned from 'face to face with Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor at the local Methodist church - the methodist minister questionning him for about an hour. It was a big shame there was no time for questions from the audience, I had loads to ask....but never mind....
Thursday, June 21, 2012
An update on my friend Ben, mentioned in the last post: he was not a suitable candidate for an experimental drug, that would not have cured him, but may have helped control pain/grant him a little more time. he is weak, but apparently in good spirits. He really wants to go to Taize one last time, and so we are working on ways to get him there. He really could do with more prayers, so please, pray for Ben. Also pray for those at seminary with him and those caring for him. It was good to have both Luke and Hamish independently visit London (but on the same day) last week and to have an evening of drinking with them. And last night, a good catch up meal with an old friend was just what the Dr ordered. In the last few weeks, I have been leaning on friends for support on a number of issues, and I thank them all. I hope that I can repay the favour...
Saturday, June 09, 2012
I went to Norwich last week for the entire long weekend, and I timed going there just at the right time. And this is where readers of this blog come in. Could, if you are that way inclined (and even if you are not), pray for our friend Ben. He is a third year seminarian, a fellow Taize pilgrim and more importantly a good friend who, last Thursday, was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer, and was told that he doesn't have long. We are all pretty shocked by the news, and very upset by it. So please pray for him. Pray that he can be comforted, and can remain as strong as he can. Please also pray for those who care for those who care for him at this sad time.
Friday, June 01, 2012
I am very excited as I am going to have a mini-break this weekend and visit 2 good friends of mine. I will have time to pray, time to laugh, to drink and even go to Walsingham for my first time EVER as part of a diocesan pilgrimage (of a diocese that I do not belong to). So, this should be good. Will be staying in a building that is next to a Cathedral, so finding somewhere conducive to prayer will be easy! So yes, East Anglia, I am coming to visit you!
Last week I went to an encouraging yet frustrating meeting, where half way through after being told that I can visit parish x,y and z in my free time to help with their youth activities, I had to snap and say this was not possible as I do not have much free time!! The Dean of Bromley then stepped in to support me - thankfully. Also, I found out that the Bishop really liked our Confirmation programme which was good as we had put a lot of work into that, and now plans have been sent to other parishes to see what we have done :-))
And that is about it. PhD continues...and some of this weekend away is to pray about what to do next...
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